Undercurrents
Xander's notebook
I am uncomfortable with being praised for what is a decidedly selfish endeavor. Miss Lamb is important to Charlotte and everything I do for her is because of Charlotte. Of course I am in accord with abolitionist sentiments and participate gladly in everything that brings help and healing to that situation. However, my actions would not normally be public in any way…. I detest being talked about in tea rooms, even if it is a compliment.
I suppose this shows what I would do for love, for her love. I will not retreat as I did with Lucy. I have learned that lesson. I will find a way through - a bridge between myself and Miss Heywood.
I am at fault, I know, for her hasty engagement. That makes me even more frustrated with the situation. I have to admit that, had she not gotten engaged, I might not have recognized the depth of my feelings for her and my desire to pursue a life together. Ironically, I would love to court her properly (having realized my feelings) and now I cannot…. Because she is engaged.
It is a terrible farce, this tale.
I dreamt of marriage last night. I thought it was real at first, I looked across the bed in the moonlight and saw her form draped in the sheets. I followed the curve of her hip with my hand, down under the blanket over her leg. She sighed in her sleep and I moved closer to her, spooning her from behind. She wiggled up against me, the smell of roses rising from her damp curls. She had taken a bath before we retired. I pulled the blankets up over us both and wrapped my arm around her waist. Never before have I known such peace and happiness as I did in that dream.
If I can make that dream come true, I think that Charlotte and I could have it all. We could have everything that I have ever dreamed of. I must find out if our dreams are the same, hers and mine.
