Muffled Screams
I would wake up to them, though he always tried to hide it.
First, he would talk in his sleep, often in Russian, I could only pick up a word here and there. Always whispering, almost nonsensical. But slowly he would become louder, speaking so rapidly that I couldn't catch up.
Then he would start to toss and turn. Pulling at the sheets and waving his hands as if he was trying to fight something.
I knew not to get too close, sometimes he would react if he brushed against me. I would become the thing he needed to get away from. So, I shifted back, staying just close enough that I can wake him if needed or to stop him from falling off the bed.
I had moved the bedside table away from the bed last week after he came close to hitting it, claiming that I wanted to reorganise the furniture.
And then, the screams would start.
Each time, there was so much fear and anguish. It took everything in me to not wake him up, to pull him from the horrors that haunted him. Tears were rolling down my cheek as I felt my heart splinter from the sounds.
It never lasted long. So self-aware, he would wake himself with his screams. His hand would come up to cover his mouth or he would turn into the pillow, muffling the sound. Then he would lay there breathing harshly.
Sometimes he would sob, cutting the sound off before it could be loud enough to wake me.
That's what he was always so scared of when he would have these nightmares—he was worried he would wake me.
So, I lay there, still, but aware of what was happening. Listening just in case he needed me.
Slowly, he would calm himself and then reach for me.
This is why I would pretend to be asleep, because once he was ready he would come to me for comfort, letting himself curl around me. I took away any guilt he might feel from his nightmare waking me.
As he pressed his face against my chest, I would wrap my arms around him, mumbling that I loved him and kissing his forehead.
I would stay awake until his breath evened out again, only letting myself sleep when I knew he wasn't plagued in his dreams anymore.
