She hadn't wanted to compete in the 10k in Turnouts. It was actually the last thing she wanted to do. She hadn't run in any kind of competition since the Olympics, and she had always told herself she wouldn't do it again.
However, when Carina had come home so excited about this 10k in Turnouts and how she thought it would help the clinic and asked her wife is she would run in it, there was no way Maya could say no. All she wanted was to make Carina happy and she knew that this clinic meant so much to her. It meant a lot to Maya too because it was a way to honor Dean so she agreed to run in it.
She had never told Carina she didn't run competitively ever. Sure, she ran almost daily to help keep herself fit and to keep her seemingly constant anxiety to a manageable level, but once she had finished the Olympics, she had tried her hardest to put competitor Maya away, not liking who that person could be.
Competitor Maya was cold, calculating, only ever thinking of herself and showing absolutely no mercy to anyone who tried to stop her. She had felt herself turning into that person when she had started moving up the ranks in SFD and hadn't loved that feeling. However, once Carina came into her life, she helped Maya calm her overly competitive drive and taught her that even if she didn't win at everything, she was still an important person, a valuable member of society, and loved more than Maya ever felt she deserved by her wife.
The morning of the race, Carina had to be at the station early to help Ben and Jack set everything up, and Maya volunteered to go with her. She had just finished putting up tables with water and had ducked into the turnout room to check her gear when she heard people walk into the barn.
"I still don't think it's fair that she gets to compete," a voice that Maya knew belonged to someone at 23 said, "She won the freaking Olympics."
"Yeah, but she got demoted from her job here," another 23 firefighter said, "Maybe her running has gotten worse too. I bet one of us can take her."
Maya tried hard to ignore what she had just heard. She knew they were talking about her, obviously, and the sting of those words cut into her in a way she didn't understand. She continued checking her gear, telling herself over and over that this race was just for fun, that she didn't have to win, that the goal was to raise money to help her wife and friends start a clinic to honor Dean.
She wasn't sure how long she was in the turnout room, but at some point, other people from 19 arrived, drawing her out of her thoughts.
"Ready for this Bishop?" Travis asked, walking past her to get to his gear.
"Uh, yeah," Maya nodded, trying to focus on what was going on.
"Oh, come on," Theo said, his gear in 19's turnout room because he had been subbing there for Vic, "She's a freaking Olympian. I'm sure she runs 10k all the time. Isn't that the event you won the medal in?"
"Yep," Maya nodded, pulling on her own turnouts, "10,000 meters."
They all finished getting dressed before heading outside. Maya wanted to go find her wife, suddenly feeling very much in need of a hug, but when she glanced around, she saw Carina talking to Ben and the chief, deciding she did not want to seem like a needy wife in front of her new boss.
All she wanted was for her new boss to tell her what was happening with her career, but she refused to show her any hint of just how badly she wanted that, not wanting to appear desperate. It had been 14 months since she had been demoted and living in the constant state of limbo was really wearing her down. She was so excited to move forward with the plans she and Carina had to have a baby, but she felt more and more stuck and like she was failing their baby before they even existed.
The number one thing on her mind was to be safe for her wife and their future child, and she knew that being captain was a step in that direction. She knew her job scared the hell out of her wife, even if the Italian never said it.
Maya's thoughts got cut short by a whistle that signified the time to get ready for the race. She lightly jogged over to the starting line, seeing the two firefighters from 23 who she had overheard in the barn looking at her before whispering to each other.
She shook her head, tightening her helmet against her head so it wouldn't fall off while she ran. Soon enough, the race started, Maya trying really hard not to be too competitive with this. She kept herself in the front half of the pack, but not right at the front.
However, as she ran, she felt herself starting to get lost in her thoughts, first thinking about her wife and their future child, trying to figure out how she could get her old job back so she could be there for them. That was what was on her mind for a good part of the race before she noticed the 23 firefighters again, hearing what they said echoing in her brain as if someone put it on a loop on an amplifier.
She suddenly heard another voice telling her she was a loser, one she had heard all too often as a kid, Lane. She had been struggling with this since she had lost her job, but now, it was so much louder. She suddenly found herself picking up the pace, hearing Lane's voice in her head the entire time, telling her that he was proud of her, that this made her worthy of his time and attention. After all, she had never run in a race without him yelling at her so now that she was going it, it was as if he was right there with her again.
She ran faster and faster, overtaking one person after another until she felt the ribbon on her chest, smiling when she realized she had won. She enjoyed the feeling of winning, hearing other people gripe about how she was an Olympian and of course she won.
However, after about five minutes, as she started to cool down, she realized what she had done. She had taken the race too seriously, had allowed Lane's voice to infiltrate her thoughts yet again and take over her actions.
That was one thing that scared her more than anything about becoming a parent, that she would let his voice overtake her, that she would become him. She slipped away from everyone, going into the turnout room, putting her clothes away before heading up to the showers. The station was quiet, everyone still downstairs, helping with post-race events.
She got in the shower quickly, realizing as she was about halfway through washing her body that she should have stayed downstairs to show the chief how good she was with the public. This was just another thing she was failing at.
She showered quickly, opting not to wash her hair because she wasn't that sweaty. She decided that this was the last time she was going to let an opportunity to impress the chief slip past her, knowing she needed to be ready for everything and anything that could come up.
Once she was showered, she got dressed in her uniform, trying to decide what to do. She could hear people downstairs milling around, and she knew she should probably get back down there. She redid her hair before going back downstairs. She realized most people were leaving so she helped with clean up, not seeing her wife, wondering where she went.
She helped move tables back into the station, cleaning up some trash before taking some items back to the front desk. While she was there, she found there were several manuals being stored there, picking one up and starting to study it, knowing she needed to brush up on all these skills if she had any hope of ever being captain again. She must have gotten lost in it, going through, and quizzing herself on the material, because the next thing she knew, she felt a hand on her shoulder.
"Hi Bambina," Carina smiled, "Congratulations on winning. That was amazing."
"Thanks," Maya mumbled, a sick feeling filling her stomach as she thought about the race, "Did it go as well as you hoped?"
"Si," Carina nodded, "Maybe even better. Jack and I need to go through the donations, but we had a great turnout. Where did you go after the race?"
"Oh, um, I needed a shower," Maya said, biting her lip.
"Oh," Carina said, thinking that was a bit strange, but also knowing Maya had her rituals after she ran that she liked to follow, "Well, I need to go upstairs. Are you too busy to join me?"
"No," Maya said, grabbing her binder, "Why do you need to go upstairs?"
Carina started talking again, but Maya was still mentally quizzing herself on the material in the binder, trying to remember all of it, just in case. She heard Carina say, "sperm bank" and that just motivated her more to keep studying the book, wanting her job back so they could have some sense of safety and stability before they made a baby.
Carina started bugging her about what she was doing and about not listening, and honestly, Maya had never been happier when the alarm went off, feeling very much on edge and frustrated with herself and the world and not wanting to take it out on her amazing wife. She let Carina know she had heard her, confirming the sperm bank appointment with her.
She headed to the scene, glad Chief Ross didn't follow them today. The call was long and beyond frustrating. Beckett was a sad excuse for a captain, and if the call had not gone as well as it had, if Montgomery or Ruiz had gotten hurt while they were down in that basement, today could have ended so badly.
She headed upstairs, hoping to catch her wife before she left to go home for the night. However, as she walked up to the door to the beanery, she heard something that just about made her collapse on the spot.
"Her career is her baby," Carina said, Maya stopping where she was, "That is the thing she'll fight for, that she'll break her hands to protect over and over. That's the dream she's chasing. Not me, not having a family. I come second."
Maya felt like she had been hit by a literally bag of bricks, hot tears welling up in her eyes faster than she could stop them. She ran for her bunk, closing the door quickly behind her as she started sobbing.
She was failing at the one thing that mattered to her more than anything else. All she wanted was to be able to give her wife and baby stability and better odds of her coming home to them after every shift and somehow, she had failed at that. She had made her wife feel like she came second and that she didn't care about her.
She slid down on the wall, sitting down on the floor, head in her knees as she bit her lip, trying not to be too loud. The race this morning had brought back so many bad memories and the one thing that had kept her semi-sane all day was thoughts of her wife, that she loved her and that Maya didn't have to win in order to earn that love, but now, it felt like that love was in question, like maybe Carina didn't really love her as much as she thought.
It felt like the walls were closing in on her and she knew she was heading into a panic attack, but she couldn't stop it, respiratory rate increasing as she sat there. She suddenly heard the door to her bunk open, hearing a small gasp as whoever it was quickly closed the door and came over to her.
"Bambina, Shhhh," her wife said, "Hey, eyes on me, ok? I'm right here."
"No," Maya said, squirming out of her arms, not wanting to feel the comfort of her wife when she knew she was so close to losing her.
"Shhhh," Carina said, confused as to what was going on, pulling Maya's chin up so she was looking at her, "Hey, Bambina, I am right here. Eyes only on me. Just breathe, ok?"
Maya struggled to get her breathing under control, trying hard not to sob as Carina sat down next to her as the panic attack ebbed, wrapping her arm around her.
"Bambina, what happened?" Carina asked, noticing her wife was stiff and not leaning into her like she normally did.
"I'm sorry," Maya said, voice shaking, "I'm so sorry."
"Hey," Carina said, "No, we have gone over this. No apologizing for panic attacks."
"No," Maya said, shaking her head, "I'm sorry I haven't made you feel like you and our family are my priority. I'm sorry I'm failing you. I'm sorry…"
Carina realized her wife had overheard her conversation with Jack, not happy with the way Maya found out, but also knowing they needed to have a conversation about this. For now, though, Carina just hugged her wife, trying to help her calm down.
Once sobs turned into sniffles and then stopped all together, Carina got up, grabbing some tissues.
"Come sit on the bed," Carina said, reaching her hand down to her wife.
The blonde got up, sitting far enough away from Carina that they weren't touching.
"I'm sorry you overheard that conversation I had with Jack," Carina said, taking a breath.
"But is that how you feel?" Maya asked, unable to bring herself to look anywhere but straight ahead, "Like I am not prioritizing you and our future baby?"
"Sometimes, yes," Carina said, nodding, glancing at her wife, "It feels like all you can do is focus on getting your captaincy back and getting your promoting and power back and that you don't care about meeting with the sperm bank or anything like that. It feels like you told me you want a baby, but you aren't acting like you do."
Maya bit her lip, nodding slowly as she started straight ahead.
"You don't have anything to say about that?" Carina asked, feeling herself getting frustrated.
"Carina, I don't know what you want me to say," Maya said quietly.
"I want you to tell me what you are thinking," Carina said, "How you are feeling? Do you not want to have a baby?"
"I do," Maya said, finally looking at her wife, "I want a baby with you more than I maybe have ever wanted anything in my life and I don't even understand how that is possible because I didn't ever want a baby. But there is one thing I want more than a baby."
"Your captaincy?" Carina said snarkier than she wanted.
"Yes," Maya said, "But not because I want the role or the power or the prestige. I want to be able to come home to you and our baby, to watch them grow up and see who they will be and if I am captain, I am not running into burning buildings or other dangerous situations. I would be outside, commanding the whole thing, but that would make it much more likely that I can come home to both of you at the end of every shift. That is why I want to get my captaincy back, preferably before we have our baby because the last thing I want to do is leave you alone with a baby. Pru lost her dad to this job, and so did Andy, and Ruiz too. I don't want to do that to our baby and not running into burning building is helpful for that. I'm sorry I have made you feel like our family is second place."
"Oh Bambina," Carina said, tearing having been running down her cheeks since halfway through Maya's little speech, "I…I'm sorry. I didn't even think about that. I…I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for not talking to you about this when I started feeling that way."
"It's ok," Maya shrugged, "I know I need to be better about my communication too. I'm sorry I wasn't listening to you like I should have earlier. This morning was rough."
Carina gave her a look, but stayed quiet, giving her wife the space she needed to open up.
"That 10k was the first race of any kind I had done since the Olympics," Maya said, "And I kept telling myself it was just for fun, but somehow, his voice got into my head and…it was like I had to win. If I didn't, I was a loser. Like it would be one more thing I failed at, and I won and it was great, but then I felt icky about it, like I used to when I was younger and that made me feel like I had failed anyways. So I decided that getting my job back, that coming home to you every damn day is not going to be something I would fail at, that keeping our family safe was something I would not fail at but…"
"No," Carina said, shaking her head, "No but. You are not failing at our family or anything else for that matter. I'm sorry this morning was so hard. I didn't even think about it."
Maya just shrugged, rubbing her eyes which felt very swollen from her tears.
"I love you," Carina said, lifting Maya's chin so their eyes met, "Never forget that."
"I love you too," Maya said, "And I promise you that this, us, our family, are always and forever going to be my number one."
"I trust you," Carina nodded, leaning their foreheads together, "I promise I will be better about talking to you about how I am feeling."
Maya leaned in, giving Carina a gentle kiss, just enjoying the physical connection with her wife. They eventually pulled apart, just wrapping their arms around each other and sitting there for another minute.
"Ugg," Maya said as they pulled away, "I feel like my face is so swollen."
"It's not that bad," Carina said, looking at her, "A little cool water and you'll be good as new. Hey, wanna hear something funny?"
"Sure," Maya nodded.
"Jack offered to be our donor," Carina said, biting her lip as she watched Maya hear the information and then take a second to process it before her eyes widened.
"What?" Maya said, jumping up, "Gross. No. Never. I…Please tell me you said no?"
"Of course, I said no," Carina said, "That would be…blahh, no. never. For so many reasons never."
"I'm gonna kill him," Maya said, shivering in disgust, "That is so gross."
"He also informed me he wastes a ton of sperm," Carina said, watching with amusement as Maya's face started to turn red.
"Gibson," the blonde yelled, walking out of her bunk, puffy face forgotten as Carina chased after her wife, hoping to stop her from killing Jack, and if not, at least get some enjoyment out of watching it happen.
