=Hunter's POV=
(Wednesday, 7/4/2018-1:45 pm)
(Archian Island, Berk)
(Haddock Household)

No matter how I tried to justify my decisions as of late, there was simply no other reason than I'm depressed. And the worst part is; I can't talk to anyone about it because I'm sure they'll tell me there's no excuse to be upset over losing the biggest game of my life. Yeah, I know that the championship game was won, but I lost my chance to get a full scholarship to AIU and keep playing in the college league. Sure, I knew I could afford to go university without a free ride, but that wasn't the point. So the championship game, to me, was a loss, and I was miserable. I know I shouldn't let this one thing get me so down, but it's the one thing I've worked almost all my life for, and I messed it up. It was my failure, and one I am taking hard.

The problem is that it's affecting everything in my life now. I thought I'd feel better when I recovered from surgery; I'm no longer healing or limited. Keith cleared me on Friday, June 29th, that I was officially good to go and could resume all normal activities. My issue is that over the last six weeks since I realized my mistake in holding off for so long to see a doctor when the symptoms of the tumor I felt because I thought it was nothing has left me with no drive to do anything. There have been some happy moments, like prom, my night with Nicole, and graduating high school. But that's it; everything else has been kind of an act to keep my friends off my back.

Don't get me wrong; I still love my time with Nicole, we've used foreplay and made love since prom night. But even that desire has been fading to almost nothing. Where Nicole and I used to go on three or four dates a week since school ended, and we made love or used foreplay once or twice a week since the first time; we only do our outings once a week, and usually just to have lunch or dinner. We used to hang out all day, even spend nights at each other's homes, not anymore. We used to make out and get turned on, leading to a sleepover where we'd have sex or get off very quietly because we didn't want to hint anything was happening when we didn't warn my dad or her parents, but not anymore.

I just can't get in the mood, and I don't have the desire even to try. The same goes for drawing, inventing, eating, and working. Glenn put me back on the schedule to work at the shop after Keith cleared me with a doctor's note, but working is a chore. I only do it because I have to, and this goes for eating too. I manage breakfast and dinner because I know dad and Glenn will get on my case if they suddenly see I'm not eating my usual portion, or at all. I can sometimes skip lunch, but only if I'm not working, and that Glenn and my dad aren't home. I don't hang out with my friends anymore, the last time we were all together was the graduation party campout.

Every time the group asks me to hang, I decline and come up with an excuse. If they try to call me on my phone or Skype, I refuse to answer, but now have just set my Skype status to invisible, so they can't even see when I'm online. I ignore texts or leave them on read. I'm ashamed to confess that I also do it to Nicole sometimes too. Most of the time, I honestly just want to lay in bed, wanting to cry, crying, or sleeping. My dad and godfather have no idea what's going on with me, and I'm actually shocked about that. I was sure someone would have brought up that something isn't right with me. Or maybe the others just haven't noticed that anything is wrong. I admit that there is, but I'm also afraid to reveal it to anyone but myself.

I'm a mess. I'm the same way I was when Keith asked me in the hospital if I was okay, and I told him that my head was just a mess with everything that happened and still going on. I'm still dealing with it; only I don't think it's dealing anymore. It's just here, consistently, piling up and making me feel so low. It's happening, and I can't control it. I can't find any way to cope with it. And I just want it to stop. I know I should say something to someone, to anyone, but what would people think of me? Letting myself get so depressed over not getting a scholarship because of my decision not to take care of myself?

I shouldn't have pushed off my symptoms. I should have gone to the doctor. But I didn't, and now all I'm left with feeling is depressed and alone because nobody would understand and just think my reason to be upset is stupid. So, I'm keeping it to myself to avoid being judged by everyone. Today, Nicole and I have a date; we'd already gone to lunch on her treat because she insisted and were back at my house to relax a little and watch TV or a movie. We were relaxing on the couch now, and I was flipping through things we could view together. After this, Nicole was probably going to go home, and I would spend the rest of the day and night trying not to lose myself.

"So, anything you want to watch in particular? Or should I just pop on one of the usuals and see what happens?" I asked her calmly, keeping my smile soft and tone light. Nicole was looking down, seeming maybe nervous and deep in thought. "Babe?" I set my hand on hers as she snapped out of whatever daze she was in and looked my way. "Is something wrong?" Nicole sighed and turned a bit more to be facing me.

"Hunter," Nicole set her hand over mine now.

"Yes, what is it? Tell me what's wrong? You know you can tell me anything," I assured.

"Can I?" Nicole stared at me. I saw seriousness, but also worry and sadness. "Can I really tell you anything, Hunter?"

"Of course, you know that…And if you don't, how am I supposed to know how to fix whatever is wrong?" I replied.

Nicole took a deep breath. "Then…I think we need to talk, Hunter," Those were never good words, especially when there was this much tension. Still, I braced myself and reached for the remote to turn off the TV.

"Okay," I replied, giving her my full attention. "What do we need to talk about?"

"You," Nicole stated as I was slightly taken aback, but kept my composure and stayed quiet to let her finish. "Babe," she gave my hand a light squeeze. "I'm worried about you, and our friends are too,"

"Why are you guys worried about me? I'm perfectly fine," I smiled at her.

Nicole shook her head, and I became confused. "Hunter, you're not okay," She informed.

"What do you mean? I'm telling you that I'm alright, why do you believe otherwise when it's coming from me?" I questioned.

"Baby, you haven't been okay since the surgery," Nicole said softly as I stared at her, not understanding what she was talking about.

"Okay, I'm going to need you to explain why you think that, or the others, for that matter?" I responded, sitting up straighter and looking at my girlfriend a little skeptically. Why was she talking like this? I mean, yeah, I have some stuff going on, but it's not their problem. I'm trying to deal with a lot, and I just don't want to drag them into my issues.

"Hunter, you're getting distant from them, and me," Nicole sighed. I waited to see if she would start again. "Before your surgery, we were going on dates about three times a week, and now…I'm lucky if I see you for one. You and I would spend full days together, and even nights at one another's houses before graduation. I'm lucky if I see you for longer than a few hours when we do go out. We used to make out and get lost in everything, end up making love," I continued to look at her, and stayed quiet in case she went on. When she didn't talk, I sighed.

"I'm…Sorry, babe. I've just had a lot going on between finishing school and recovering from the surgery. I'm…Trying to get college things going, and still working now that Glenn has me working what would be my summer hours since there's no more school," I explained. "I've been…Tired and busy, just…Not really in the mood for all that," I added.

"And I understand that, baby. I do, but what about everything else?" Nicole inquired. "Our…Friends haven't seen you since the graduation party, rather the following morning after we all left or got picked up," I glanced down a bit. "Every time we try to get together and hang, you say no. And…I understand that sometimes it's because you're working, or…Maybe helping your dad, but every time, Hunter? It's been…Three weeks since graduation, and you're…Never available for anyone, but for me. And even that has become scarce." I closed my eyes; I felt like she was upset. And she probably had every right to be.

"Hunter, you're always busy…Or tired. You…Always seem zoned out, you don't answer a lot of calls or messages from anyone…We all feel like we're losing you, that you're getting distant. You…Look miserable all the time," Nicole continued as I felt her lift my hand and kiss the back of it, I looked in her eyes and saw how sad and concerned she was. "You're…Short-tempered, you altogether avoid topic you don't want to talk about. You always look deep in thought and…Every time I look in your eyes, I see pain or sadness," She paused. "Please, Hunter…Please tell me what's going on with you?" She pleaded softly.

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what I was supposed to tell her. The evident and rightful response is giving her the truth about being depressed, but could I do that. "I don't…Know what you want me to tell you, Nikki," I finally said.

"Anything. Everything, Hunter. Maybe you can fool others, but you can't with me. We all know something is up with you, and we…Just want to help," Nicole still held my hand. "I…Understand if you feel like it's something you have to deal with, but when whatever is going on is keeping you from doing the things you love to do…Then tell someone, please? You don't have to carry this alone." I saw the tears welling in her eyes but hadn't spilled over yet.

"Nicole…" I tried.

"Hunter, please? Talk to me…Tell me what's wrong…" Nicole pushed.

"There's nothing wrong," I stated.

"You're lying!" She insisted, hurt, and angry.

"I am not. Now…Can we please drop this? And go back to enjoying our date…?" I asked. I didn't want to fight with her.

"You promised me when we got together that we'd tell each other anything and everything. No secrets. And if there was a problem, we'd work it out together…" Nicole lowered her head a bit.

"And I'm keeping that promise to you. I can't tell you everything when there isn't anything to give. We're not having a problem between us, so what do we need to work out?" I said. "Why are you trying to make a problem by pushing something that isn't there?"

"I'm not…Trying to make a problem, Hunter…I just…Want to help you through whatever is going on," Nicole informed in a light tone. "Please? Please talk to me…"

"Nothing is going on!" I snapped at her as she backed up a little with wide eyes. "Alright? Nothing is going on. There is nothing to help me with. There is nothing to talk about!" I went on. "I don't have a problem, and if I did, I'd figure it out. This is why I've been keeping to myself because apparently I'm not allowed to say no to hanging out. I'm not permitted to just staying home to relax. No, something has to be wrong for me to want to do all that. Fine, believe what you want. It obviously doesn't matter what I say…"

"Hunter, I-," Nicole started.

I got up off the couch and folded my arms. "I work six days a week, anywhere from 8 am to 8 pm. Sometimes, that full twelve hours. I'm friggin sorry if the day you guys decide to hang out; I'm busy or sleeping because I'm exhausted. And if I'm not working, I'm doing shit for my dad. Maybe I'm busy trying to get my college things going because that starts in September, and I have to figure out my classes, where I'm going to stay, how much I have to pay, my work schedule around my school one," I remarked.

"I-I'm sorry…" Nicole lowered her head. "I didn't…Mean to upset you,"

"All I'm trying to do is keep everyone happy while still doing what I have to do. I'm sorry that I can't stop the clock and just give you guys all the time you want with me. High school is over, and we've all got out adult lives to live now. Mine is going to college to be an engineer like I've always planned to do. I apologize if the rest of you haven't figured out what you're going to do, or if you're just killing time to enjoy the summer…But that doesn't mean I can follow suit. I've got my plan set, and now I have to spend the next two months making sure everything goes according to that plan…" I informed firmly.

"Hunter, I-I didn't realize…" Nicole began.

"Yeah, yeah. I know," I huffed. "You're right; I got a lot going on, but I can deal with it because of the fact it regards my future…I've had it planned for a long time, so I don't need anyone to help me. Alright? I don't need any help, especially from all my friends who apparently feel that just because I'm busy, something has to be wrong!" I felt like I was glaring.

"Okay…Okay, I'm sorry, Hunter…Please? Let's just…forget about this. I'm sorry, I am…" Nicole went to step towards me, and I moved back.

"You know…I was asked to work today, and I said no to be able to relax. To spend the day with you because I've felt bad for working so much that I was taking days away from us. My whole plan today was for us just to watch some shows, maybe a movie or two, and ask if you wanted to spend the night…" I stated. "But as I'm starting to realize, not all my plans go the way I want or hope they do," I added. "Why don't you just…Go home, babe? I'll message you later…The rest of today is just going to be tense between us if we try to and push through after this…"

"You want…Me to leave?" Nicole asked, beside herself.

"I have a headache, and I don't want to fight with you. I'm probably going to clean up a little, take a shower, and maybe a nap…" I mentioned in a calmer tone. "I think we can both use the rest of today to…Calm down, before either of us says something we don't mean in the heat of an argument." I reminded. "We can talk it out another time, but right now…We're just going to fight. I've been here before with Ashley, and it's the situation that caused us to start screaming and yelling until she kicked me out of her house and told me it was over…I don't want to end up there with you…Please?"

Nicole seemed to sigh, but nod her head in understanding. I wasn't trying to fight with her, and if we kept at this, we would argue and probably end up breaking up. I didn't want that. I love Nicole, and I didn't want to lose her. I knew that meant I shouldn't be hiding my depression, but I just didn't want to talk about it yet. I wasn't ready to.

"Okay…" Nicole replied. "I'll…let you know when I get there," She added. I knew Nicole drove herself in her mom's car. Nicole came to my house, we left with my car, and now she could take her mom's to her home.

"Alright," I replied before lowering my arms and hugging her. "I wasn't…Trying to yell at you, babe…I just felt like you weren't listening to me when I said nothing is going on. I mean, there is stuff going on, just not anything I can't handle." I sighed. "I'm sorry…"

"Me too…I was just scared that something was happening, and I didn't want you to feel like you had to keep it to yourself. I wanted you to know I'm…Here for you and always will be. I'll always be willing to help, anyway I can…Even if you just need a hug. I don't want you to forget that…" Nicole said as I pulled back a little and looked at her. "I love you,"

I kissed her forehead. "I love you too," I hugged her tightly again. "And I won't forget…I promise. As long as you vow not to ride my ass when I tell you it's okay? I swear that if a day comes where I can't handle something and need someone to help me, I'll make it known."

"I believe you," Nicole held me tightly.

"Good," I gave her a light kiss on the lips. "Come on, let's get your stuff and get you home," I told my girlfriend. "I meant what I said about that nap. I'm probably overtired from work all week, so I'm gonna try to fix that before I snap at anyone else…" Nicole nodded as she grabbed her purse and light jacket. I walked her out to her mom's car and made sure she was in with her seat belt on. I kissed her again and backed up so she could back out and head off. Once Nicole was out of sight in the car, I went back inside.

I stuck to my plan of cleaning up, showering, and then getting into bed to nap. I made sure, first, to put the new sign on my door for my dad and godfather not to burst in or start pounding on the door if they couldn't find me, or I didn't answer because I was probably sleeping. I did get Nicole's message of being home safely. I told her I loved her and was going to knock out for a couple of hours. She replied that she loved me and to let her know when I was up. I set the phone down and relaxed. It took an hour or so with everything running through my head from earlier, but I managed to fall asleep finally and remain such peacefully.