3.01 We are Free in Our Dreams

Instead of jumping on Vulcan's currier ship and deserting after he received Spock's belongings, Spock answered Captain's call and soon was falling with the debris unsure of his own survival. As he faced the possibility of death, he calmed his emotions ready for the darkness of the beyond but Doctor as always intervened prolonging his suffering.

The pain in his chest was strong. It was hard to walk. It was hard to put the pain under control and set aside all other raging emotions but Doctor was there bickering against him and forcing him to carry on, to hide the weakness and deny himself the peace of meditation that led to death.

Task was before them but without Jim it seemed hopeless. Jim was the one who would always think of something illogical that would somehow work. Spock's logic and calculation of their odds showed no way out, everything was stacked up against them.

Of Jim, he didn't want to think of at all. The probability that he chose to go down with the ship and die in its ruins was so high he didn't want to calculate it. Still, his mind gave him the numbers he didn't care for.

No matter how he tried to make Doctor to go on without Spock and increase his chances of survival he was as stubborn as ever pulling and pushing Spock forward towards death that was inevitably waiting for them.

Soon, his predicament came true as they were surrounded by armed guards. They were done, captured, torture seemed to be in the air. Spock could sense the pain and the lack of regard for it in the minds of their captors. He calculated what his odds were if he fires and forces them to kill him on spot when his body started to buzz.

In the next moment, he was in the strange transporter room. He ran forward to find his new captors when Jim crushed into him causing him additional pain but the pain wasn't the thing that terrified Spock the most.

Jim was alive.

That was the factor that brought him endless worry. In this world without escape and enemies skilled in torture, keeping Jim safe will be a complicated challenge. Jim didn't have Spock's ability to withstand pain.

In addition to his new calculation of Jim's safety, Jim's hands were on Spock's arms. Protected by the uniform Spock wasn't affected much but it did contribute to his sense of disorientation. Images of death and destruction were in Jim's mind as he searched for a way out. In Jim's mind, there always had to be a way out, an escape, a cheat, anything to win and avoid dying.

Spock has so many times avoided dying by now that he became somewhat numb to the danger but Jim's presence always amplified danger in Spock's mind making him focus.

Before he got his bearings, Spock found himself lying down as Jim spoke to him. He rested his head on the firm bench for a moment letting himself be ushered like he's the weak one here but soon Jim was back on his feet trying to solve their problems pacing back and forth expressing his inner anxiety.

Slowly, Spock sat up and matched his pace to synchronise their minds. Together, they worked the best. If this crisis is to be solved, they will solve it together. Later, Spock will withdraw in a moment of peace and slip away. Now, he had a task of survival before them and their safety came before any personal hesitation.

As they worked and talked, there was a doubt deep down in his mind.

Who will be there to keep Jim safe after Spock is gone from his side? Jim wasn't the man who could stand still and find shelter ignoring all the perils that lurked in their universe.

Without Spock by his side to even out the rashest parts of his personality, who will be there to even him out?

Jim fought his foe on the top of the ventilation shaft not caring for his safety at all. For whom he would be careful for? Millions of lives depended upon him, maybe even more, his safety wasn't a priority. Winning was.

Even when it seemed that he lost, Jim kept on fighting on forcing his foe to slip, to die, to give up. Finally, they slipped. Jim struggled to hold on to something but it was too late. There was nothing to grab on to. As he fell, he was almost at peace with dying.

The only grievance he had was the lack of Spock's voice in his last moment. He always imagined he will die hearing his voice calmly leading him onward. It seemed like he didn't hear his voice since forever.

As he twisted and turned, he could hear Bones shouting at him but Spock wasn't there in his last moments.

He turned again and suddenly he wasn't alone anymore.

"Spock," he shouted in shock as Spock's hand grabbed his.

Spock's face appeared before him as he painfully hit the plane. He didn't mind the pain looking in Spock's determinant eyes that told him how he has no right to die, how Spock won't let him slip into death.

He pulled himself up to help Spock drag them in the safety of the cockpit.

He was dragged through the hole in the small darkened space.

"Damn it, Jim," Bones snapped at him from the driver's seat. "Don't you have an ounce of caution in your bones? I'm a doctor, not a bloody race driver."

"It seems to me you're doing just fine," Jim smiled with relief when he felt Spock losing strength by his side.

"What the…" he trailed off because of the onslaught of images that came to him as he grabbed Spock's hand. "Quickly, Bones, take us to hospital, Spock has an internal bleeding again."

"Are you a doctor now too?" Bones grumbled but he rushed them towards the hospital asking for immediate assistance.

Jim moved to envelop Spock and lean him against his chest. He grabbed his both hands hoping that the contact will help to keep him conscious. As he did so, it was like a whole circuit was connected. It was like he could walk in Spock's dazed mind and see whatever he wanted to see.

That seemed like a rude intrusion so he just lingered on the edge unwilling to let go of Spock's hands. He tried to be as non-intrusive as he could but he still could sense Spock's mind and in the forefront, there was a closed box. Spock hasn't opened the box because the old Spock had died and he was hesitant to find out what was the old Spock's most prized possession.

"I'm so sorry," Jim whispered to his ear hugging him tighter. "I didn't know."

Tears appeared in his eyes and he felt sorrow after the old Spock who probed his mind as soon as they met. It was an intrusion, unlike anything Jim experienced before yet it was familiar as a handshake or a hug. After it, Jim would always obey the old Spock and do whatever he told him to do.

In a way, because of the old Spock, Jim trusted the young version of him more. It was as he expected of his Spock to be as trusting towards him as the old one was. The old one gave Jim the sense like he could accomplish anything he sets his mind to. In his mind, it was like Jim was a focal point of the universe, someone who couldn't do any wrong.

That was a burden to carry but it was also a drive to reach out for.

The young Spock always seemed too resentful and distrustful towards Jim. His lack of trust in Jim was like an injury like he lost something that made him a bigger man than he was now.

"Brace for impact," Bones warned and Jim embraced Spock to protect him from the fall.

When the tumbling stopped, the door opened and Spock was taken from his arms. When he was gone, he sat there feeling hollow somehow. His chest was cold and he felt all alone again.

"Come on, move, Jim," Bones punched his arm. "Or do you need my medical attention?"

"No, I'm fine," Jim moved ready for the next task of life and death. "Where do we have to go next?"

"To stand by Spock's side. We won't let him alone with strangers. You know how he hates when he's helpless and he hates strangers even more. When you were bedridden he stood by your side day and night."

"Of course, we'll be there," Jim hurried forward.

When he was by Spock's bed, he found he has nothing to do. His restless energy made him pace but when doctors came to tell him Spock will be fine after he rests some he felt his adrenalin finally dropping down.

"Then don't wake him," Jim yawned. "As soon as he opens his eyes, he will jump to his feet."

"Ain't that the truth?" Bones agreed and signed for Spock to stay medicated for the night.

With that, Bones exited and Jim was left alone with Spock in the room. He should go too. He should go and find the room he was assigned to. He should get some sleep.

Instead of exiting through the door, he sat in the chair beside Spock's bed to wait for Uhura to come in and take over, take care of Spock. Minutes dragged on and she didn't come through the door. Whenever she would enter, Jim would be quick to exit but she was late.

Jim was tired. His eyes were heavy now that everything was peaceful. He will lean his head against the bed just for the moment while he waits for Uhura to stand between him and Spock. Before she reminds him he has no place watching Spock sleep.

That was a pity because Spock's perfect features only got accented while he rested.

Spock fought to come back to consciousness.

His dreams were tiring and he wanted to escape them. In them, he was constantly trying to catch Jim's hand but wasn't able to. Their fingers would touch but he would slip through Spock's fingers and continue his descent falling through the shaft freezing in the coldness of the vacuum.

Before he would freeze, Spock would reset the dream and try again.

His mind couldn't recreate the situation where he did catch Spock because the chance that he will be able to catch him was so minuscule that his mind couldn't believe he did catch him.

The moment when he caught Jim's hand seemed like a dream more than this nightmare he could rewind and repeat over and over again.

There was no logic in staying in this dream repeating something that brought him distress but he was unable to wake up. It was like something was keeping him here.

Drug.

Did they medicate him again? The doctor constantly tried to impose his idea of health on Spock insisting upon resting even when Spock's capacities aren't spent to the maximum.

Vulcans had a way of countering drugs. Spock will fight the medication, wake up and resume his tasks as efficiently as he can.

Jim flew by him and, instinctively, Spock tried to catch him again.

As he watched him fall again, Spock thought how there was no sense in continuing this torture. Without Jim, there was no real reason for Spock to sustain all this pain. That's why the next time when Jim came to sight Spock jumped and caught his hand in mid-air.

They spun together towards imminent death. Spock was calm with the prospects of dying now that he accomplished his task of grabbing Jim's hand but then Jim smiled at him as they spun. Jim smiled and Spock started resent death. Surely, there was a way to win, to stop their descent and survive.

Suddenly, Spock could feel the medication in his bloodstream going thin from the fire in his blood. He burnt the medicine and opened his eyes determinant to get up but as he opened his eyes Jim's sleeping face came to his view.

That made him pause. Was he still dreaming?

No, he was fully awake, his injury was hurting him again. He could remember it tearing when he managed to catch Jim by his hand and prevent him from dying. Spock beat the odds and caught Jim mid-air.

Bones was driving and Spock was navigating him using both their scanning equipment and his mind. In the last moments, when Jim started falling, he used his mind more than the scanner.

Their minds were latently linked for some time now. Spock respected Jim's privacy but in the face of danger he reached out to Jim's mind to follow his every move. That demanded attention that didn't allow any distractions.

Doctor shouted but Spock didn't respond only relying on instructions of where to go.

"Don't be mad," Doctor shouted as Spock opened the hatch. "You'll fall out and die too."

"Just turn right by the angle of twenty-five degrees," Spock said and threw himself out on the hull more sensing Jim's fall than seeing it.

He dived down letting his hand feel Jim's. The contact came as a shock to his nervous system but he put all his focus on gripping his hand tightly pulling him in. As he pulled, he could feel his wound opening but there was still time.

Still, he had to hurry not caring for the finesse of entry.

They fell to the floor and Spock could feel his blood soaking his uniform. As he fell to the abys of darkness, he could still feel Jim's hand in his. Soon, his both palms were safely pressed against Jim's. Spock was tightly encased in warmth. He felt safe there. He felt like he can finally truly rest.

For a short while, he did rest making his wound heal but then the warmth was gone and the nightmare of forever losing Jim started.

Now he lay in a hospital bed while Jim slept with his head pressed on the bed by Spock's side. Spock lied still not willing to move and wake up Jim. If he wakes, what will they say to each other? It wasn't clear to Spock what words should be said in a situation like this one.

When he didn't know what words he should say, he would freeze. When he would freeze, Jim would lose his patience and just go away leaving Spock alone to try to figure out what were the words Jim was expecting to hear from Spock.

Spock was unable to find those words or to understand what Jim expected of Spock to be.

That's why he let Jim rest not moving, just looking at his sleeping face absorbing the fact that the both of them lived again, that they survived and that Jim will wake up to keep on pacing and solving problems the universe constantly threw at them.

At him, at Jim, Spock will go, he will leave, he will remove himself from Jim's vicinity to become a Vulcan his father wanted him to be.

In his sleep, Jim's hand searched blindly fighting some inner nightmare.

Before Spock could do anything about it, Jim's fingers found Spock's. As soon as there was the contact of skin, Jim's nightmare stopped and his hand rested.

Spock could remove his hand easily. He could. Yet, he stayed still maintaining the contact.

He wasn't the one who initiated the contact. Besides, he justified himself, if he removes his hand maybe Jim's nightmare starts again.

It wasn't like it was an intimate deliberate touch of the tips of their fingers. A touch that would connect their minds serving as a display of affection. It was just a random contact of skin. It wasn't shameful.

Still, Spock's hand buzzed as something was exchanged, as they were already connected in their minds. Spock could almost see a picture in Jim's mind but it was too blurry, the contact was too slight. Spock wasn't intruding.

The contact lasted and Spock's curiosity grew. What was that image?

When Jim wakes up, Spock will say the wrong thing again and they will part like that like they are strangers and Spock will never come near enough again to hear even the echo of Jim's thoughts.

What was the harm of taking one small peek as he sleeps?

It will bother him less than curiosity. It was only logical to see. Jim was the one initiating contact. He was always the one initiating contact. Wasn't it only right if Spock did it once?

Slowly and gently, Spock placed his fingertips to Jim's temple.

An image appeared.

Jim was standing in this station dressed in a uniform of a vice-admiral but the uniform was too big for him and at the same time it pressed in on his throat choking him.

"I am where I want to be," Jim told to his reflection in the glass that looked at the unmoving pool of stars. "I am where I should be. Besides, I can't be there in her shadow."

To his left, a door opened and through them, Spock could see the bridge of the Enterprise. On it, Spock sat in the Captain's chair having the captain's uniform on. Uhura sat in his lap and laughed out loud.

Spock felt shame and deep discomfort by that image so he went through the door and pulled Uhura from his lap. That wasn't the way to act on the bridge. It was against all regulations. He took her by her hand and pushed her into the elevator.

"Go to the engineering, there's something to do there," he told her as the door closed between them.

Satisfied with his solution he turned to see Jim barging through the door of the ship tearing the uniform of the vice-admiral exposing his bare chest underneath.

"I will serve you, I will command you, I'll wear any uniform you want me to," Jim kneeled before Spock in his captain chair. "Just say you want me too. Just show you feel it too. I'm not crazy, am I? We dance this dance together. You pull when I push, you push when I pull."

Spock in the chair looked upon Jim with his cold eyes, opened his mouth but said nothing. Spock hated that dream version of him because it was true. If Jim did that for real, Spock wouldn't know what to say or how to act. Still, in his dream world, there were no rules and regulations, there were no restrictions that would bind them.

That's why he stepped forward between them and pulled Jim up by his hand.

"You are the Captain. You should maintain your dignity on all occasions. Before the crewmen, you must be the example to follow. Private quarters are for any displays of affection."

"Affection, Spock?" Jim whispered and Spock realized they are now in Jim's cabin, alone in a darkened room with no one watching them.

"A trap, you always entrap me," Spock murmured. "But my logic is infallible. When alone, we should be able to speak more freely. To express more freely."

"What would you like to express, Spock," Jim stepped a step closer bringing their chests to close proximity.

"I am and always will be your friend," Spock felt stiff and clumsy like that wasn't nearly enough, Jim wanted something else, something more and Spock couldn't give that to him, he was too hot, his blood was almost burning, he couldn't afford himself to get any closer to the flame.

Like always, he said the wrong thing. Jim's face fell in itself, his shoulders slumped down and he turned away to leave Spock alone to think of what else should have been said.

"No," Spock grabbed his arms and pulled Jim's back against his chest causing himself pain. "Don't leave me, don't go, give me a moment to think of something else. Something that won't cause us pain."

Jim stood still breathing.

"I think you just did," Jim whispered putting his warm palm against the back of Spock's hand.

The contact shocked Spock enough to break the connection. He opened his eyes to face Jim still sleeping but now he was smiling in his sleep. Their hands that were barely touching were now interlocked as Jim's hand was holding Spock's.

Spock tried to free his hand slowly not to awake Jim but before he could the door swished announcing visitors. Having no better idea, Spock closed his eyes pretending that he was still sleeping.

It wasn't in Vulcan's nature to lie but sometimes it was only logical to pretend some things are what they aren't to avoid being ridiculed and mocked by relentless crowds.

Doctor and Uhura entered just to stop faced with the two of them sleeping. It was only logical for them to leave when they see them sleeping but humans were so rarely logical that Spock felt silly for even expecting them to act as rational beings.

Instead of leaving, they came into the room and continued their conversation like their low voices wouldn't wake up any person with light sleep.

Jim had a very light sleep. He will wake up any moment now. He will wake up and jump up to pace, talk and order.

That didn't happen and Spock realized that Jim was pretending to sleep as much as Spock did. Soon, that was confirmed when Jim's hand slowly withdrew breaking their contact.

Spock was grateful for that because seemingly neither Doctor nor Uhura noticed the contact.

Sometimes it seemed to Spock that everyone observed them constantly searching for signs of betrayal, trying to see through them, to find Spock's hidden emotions and laugh at him.

"I must have dozed off," Jim obviously decided they won't leave unless one of them moves. "How long have I slept?"

"Four hours, I didn't dare to disturb you. You didn't sleep for days," Bones stepped in. "You should go and rest some more."

"No," Jim got up and started walking. "That's too much. I have things to do. Accompany me. Uhura, stay as you are."

With that, Jim was out of the door leaving Spock alone with Uhura.

"I know you're not sleeping," Uhura said with impatience in her voice. "I know what your sleep sounds like."

"It could have been the drug that kept me still," Spock opened his eyes finding it illogical to keep on pretending.

"The point is that you're too loud, when you sleep your breath is barely audible. It used to freak me out. That's why I preferred to sleep in my cabin. It should have been a first sign that we're not meant for each other."

Spock looked at her lost for words. He had nothing to reply to that. She took the neckless of his mother and placed it to his palm.

"I know you said that it's rude to return a gift but I don't feel comfortable being tagged by you. I might go and do things I don't want you to witness."

"I didn't realize it was a tag," he said quietly. "Yet, it proved to be useful. It's not a bad thing to be found by others. Your mark saved the whole crew."

"I am grateful for that," she moved away to look through the window. "You always pull us through. Sometimes I think how many times your cold logic saved us all. Then I feel more at ease with your coldness."

"I didn't realize I was cold towards you. I tried to do what you expect of me."

"You weren't until you were. Lately, there's nothing I can do to reach you. You decided to return to Vulcan. I won't follow you there. There's no place for me among your people."

"That is true," he sat up putting his mother's neckless in his pocket. "I too will postpone my return to them. There's still time. It's not urgent for me to join their ranks. In their new home, they might find my blood too thin to count as Vulcan at all."

"They would never do that," she grabbed his upper arm. "You're as Vulcan as they get. They are lucky to have you."

"I appreciate the sentiment but it's not logical. To preserve one's culture and genetic heritage one must obtain certain characteristics. I have proven many times to my people how I differ to a greater degree than they are willing to accept. When there were a lot of us, my aberration was acceptable. Now that there are only a few of us, I shall wait for a bit longer until our numbers grow before offering my services to the good of our species."

"You mean to marry a Vulcan," she stepped away from him looking offended.

"I mean whatever they need of me to do. From educating the young to producing them if needed. That is the task my older self relieved me from but with him gone I'm the only one left to obey my duties."

"Your loss is paining me too," she approached him again struggling with her conflicting emotions Spock never understood. "You don't have to go in his footsteps. You can create your own path."

"I am doing so," Spock put on his uniform. "Our paths differ from the moment Vulcan exploded. We were not the same man. Yet, we sometimes craved the same things. The input that is needed for civilization to survive is in numbers."

"I always was too selfish for you," Uhura straightened his uniform. "How much time do we have with you. When are you leaving?"

"Vulcan lifespan is quite long. I have a few decades to spare."

Her hand froze for a moment before she struck his chest.

"You could have said so to start with," she shouted at him. "That's enough time for me to start to hate you ten times over."

With that, she swished her hair and marched out of the room. Spock stayed for a moment puzzled by her reaction. When he told her that he would be leaving instantly, she stopped talking to him. Now that he said he would stay, she stopped talking with him again. It wasn't that he didn't want to please her but he had no idea what she wanted from him.

It took time for Spock to convince the young doctor on duty how he's fit for duty again and to reach his room at the Enterprise. In it, he finally submitted and opened the box Spock sent him. The first thing that was on the top was a picture of his Enterprise crew old and happy. Even in death, Spock commanded him to stay by Jim's side.

It was strange to look at Jim old. He looked happy old. He looked confident and secure in himself. His Jim was far from that state of confidence. They will have to work on that.

That made Spock pause.

He was aware that he decided to stay even before he woke up from Jim's dream. As soon as he grabbed Jim stopping him from leaving, he made a decision to stay and work through whatever was going on between them.

Even if it was a dream, there was no backing out of the logic of it. There were unresolved emotions between them, a responsibility Spock couldn't escape from because what Jim said was true. When Jim would retreat from him, Spock would follow to find out what is wrong. When Jim would go after him, Spock would close up denying he felt any emotion.

Even worse, Spock did lie to Jim denying emotions that were so easily provoked in Spock by Jim's mere presence. That made Jim doubt himself, it made him desperate. To leave him in such a state was an act of disloyalty.

Jim proved his loyalty to Spock many times over and in Spock's logical mind he didn't give back as much. It troubled Spock to think of himself as a traitor. Sometimes outworlders would refer to Vulcans as traitors because they were loyal to their logic above anything else. It was the thing that made them switch sides when it was logical to do so.

Human side of Spock resented that accusation very much. Vulcans were loyal to their own kind and their own survival. They didn't owe loyalty to ones who weren't their kin.

Still, Spock lived outside of Vulcan most of his adult life. Since he lived among Humans denying he was anything like them, Jim was the first true friend he ever gained among them. Through him, he began to see others as friends too and they trusted him more than they did before Jim charged into his life.

More than that, the level of friendship Spock felt towards Jim brought shame to Spock. It was a deep sense of shame because he started to feel like he owes Jim more loyalty than he did to his own kin. That was a shameful thought for Vulcan to have. A Vulcan should always put his kin first.

Even now, he decided to stay when all logic said he should leave. Jim could at this moment accept the vice-admiral position that can't be denied to him. If he does that, Spock will be free of his commitment towards Jim, he will be able to go and aid Vulcans in rebuilding their culture.

That thought didn't bring him pleasure. On contrary, it made his room seem grey. The possibility that they will never talk again brought a certain kind of a pain to Spock's chest but it was surely just his injury.

His com chimed and he turned towards it hoping a new assignment came in.

On it, there was a message about Jim's birthday. The crew was gathering to celebrate it. Such an illogical thing to do. A waste of time. Jim will come in and surely tell them to go back to their stations but Humans were illogical. They will stay and talk. They will consider their conversation about nothing as a great accomplishment.

It was such a waste of time.

Spock got up to put on his uniform. On such an occasion, Spock will with ease determine what Jim's decision was. If he decides to leave Enterprise, it will be a release of Spock's debt of loyalty. He will be free to go to New Vulcan and aid his people. His sense of duty won't be split anymore between two masters.

At the party, Spock stood beside Uhura. It was only logical to stand there. The two of them were most associated of all of the crew and others seemed like less safe options with their festive mood. Uhura was as grim as Spock felt inside. She tried to get him to leave but he had his task in mind.

His task came through the door. Jim seemed to be in a good mood but did that mean that he leaves or that he stays. Spock moved to be closer to him, to estimate him easier. As they were still tuned in, Jim moved too to give them some space. As soon as they were alone side by side, Spock knew Jim's decision. It was to stay. Spock's mission beside him was ongoing.

Luckily, he was a strong Vulcan who knew how to steer through his inner emotions. The lid on the volcano was tightly shut. He was safe even before Jim's probing eyes. Before those eyes could do any damage they were surrounded by their crew.

Spock felt comfort in the fact that old Spock sent him the picture of the whole crew. It wasn't just about Jim. It was about all of them. They provided Spock with the sense of acceptance he didn't have in any of his previous positions. Jim was only the anchor that kept them all together. That was his role and he played it well.

Spock should be grateful for it. He felt grateful somewhere deep inside, he was sure of it, but then Jim brushed against his shoulder and Spock felt less reassured in his ability to keep Jim at the proper distance.

That was the moment to return to the ship and start preparations for their imminent departure.