Jealousy hit Jim like a strong slap across his face.
"I would never…" he tried to find words to defend himself but Spock was already through the door and the moment was over.
It was too good to last for long anyway. Jim tried to end it with a joke to ease up their transition to professional distance but his joke was poorly timed. Jokes sometimes got him great rewards like a rise of an eyebrow but now there was something raw in Spock Jim couldn't understand.
Did he remember?
Was that shame? There was something off about Spock after Jim woke up. Before he fell asleep Spock was as worried and attentive as he could be.
Even if he brought him food and suffered through the meal, Spock wasn't present at all looking at anything but Jim. Without seeing his eyes, Jim was lost on what Spock feels. Feelings were controlled and hidden but they could always be sensed through specks of light in his dark eyes.
Still, that onslaught of jealousy was so sudden and strong that it shocked Jim. Never before did he experience something similar. He was sure it was Spock's emotion as he got up and scolded Jim silently for invoking memories of some old lovers, of putting Spock in the category 'alien', of just speaking at all.
Jim cursed himself but there was no helping it. It was done.
He was rested and fed. There was no excuse to delay his return to his ship. There were decisions he must make. They diverted from their course too much.
When he returned to the ship, he discovered that they were half-way towards their original position and he relaxed. Things sometimes went his way.
He glanced at Spock's unmovable back. Spock was examining his scanner. Jim considered of getting up and going closer to him but it was like his thought was cut in the bud. He was not to engage or come any closer. It was forbidden.
"Alright, then," he murmured to himself knowing Spock's ears can hear anything. "I'll find myself some other task…" he trailed off as the new yeomen walked past him.
"Captain," Spock's voice diverted his attention. "Our route is as expected but I noticed a strange formation that we can study more closely if we divert our course by .3 degrees. It will cost us four hours at most from our journey."
"Four hours?" Jim smiled gently endeared by Spock's eager focus, he was a man that couldn't be swayed so easily from his tasks. "It seems like a small price for an interesting formation. Maybe we gather some data to give credence for our wild expenditure of crystals."
"Salvation of our galaxy is sufficient credence for any price," Spock said flatly but Jim could see a dose of amusement in his eyes so he dared to contradict the unspoken instruction and get up to step to the rail between them.
"Formation of what nature, Mr Spock? Mist, nebula, planets," Jim said slowly.
"Rocks."
"Rocks, Mr Spock?" Jim was baffled thinking he was being pranked but Spock's eyes were steady not revealing any sign of humour in them.
"Yes, Captain. After recent events, I don't think we should rush to meet any kind mysterious mists unless they attack us first."
"True, Mr Spock, I quite agree with you. Carry on as you intended. You have the bridge. I'll be in the sick bay if you need me."
"Bones," he entered the sickbay in a good mood, the moment of jealousy has past and things seemed to be back to their normal self, not much has changed in Jim's world. "Are you up for exploring some rocks Spock found for us?"
"Don't sell me your antics," Bones grumbled. "There's surely some vicious creature I'll have to patch up lurking somewhere below the rocks. I'll deal with these logs and you call me if something of utmost urgency appears."
"Come on, Bones," Jim sat beside his counter. "Won't you scan, or poke me? Where are your bedside manners? I was barely standing when I left you last."
"Your Spock kept me updated. He informed me of how much you ate, how long you slept and even sent a scan to confirm you're well now. If you ask me, that's equal of us Humans fretting in panic. What happened over there to get him so fussy?"
"Oh," Jim trailed a path on the counter with his fingers trying to find what to say. "It's just probable because they were Vulcans. You know how he prides of them being superiorly strong. It wasn't such a scuffle to deserve any attention at all."
"When you say there's nothing to tell I bet there's a blonde in a miniskirt smiling your way but don't share. I don't want to know. Rocks, you say. What kind of a scanner do I need? It's always some different type of calamity with those new planets."
Jim smiled as Bones equipped himself. Things were as they should be.
Until they weren't.
Control. That was what Spock was all about. That's the way he survived among suspicious Vulcans who always wanted to expose him as Human. That's the way he survived among suspicious Humans who, surprisingly, also wanted to expose him as Human.
The latter seemed to be less hostile so he even found some amusement in denying his inner humanity before them, denying them the pleasure of measuring the whole universe to fit their measure of what is right and what is wrong.
Despite himself, Spock too found himself measuring the universe by Human standards more and more as time he spent among them past him by. It seemed that in all their illogical flaws Humans were more readily able to accept him in their ranks even if he hid his inner Human flaw well before them.
Visiting Intrepid reminded him of how hostile logical Vulcan minds could be towards any anomaly they would detect in their perfect strive for freedom of logical plain. Spock too was tempted by the concept of Kolinar where all his emotions would be purged. It was something he planned to do when he's older. When his sentiment towards his mother lessens, when he doesn't feel obligated to reciprocate her feelings of affection at least when they were alone to diminish her sense of alienation on the planet where she was the only being unable to communicate telepathically.
Since his mother was gone there was no real reason for him to postpone Kolinar for so long but in her absence his own humanity was the last thing that connected him to her memory. She wasn't a Vulcan. Her mind couldn't be preserved in the ritual of ascension where all that you learned becomes a part of the Vulcan heritage ready to be used by others.
Humans were fragile like that. When they would die, they would perish for good like they never were. When Vulcan exploded, millions Vulcans died without the ritual and their memories weren't mourned as they should. It was an immeasurable loss.
Still, their minds survived through those who outlived Vulcan. Whenever they would mind-meld with someone a part of their essence would be preserved in another person. That way even if they died, echoes of them remained in surviving Vulcans.
There were no echoes of Spock's mother except as a fading memory in his mind and one of his father. Their memories of her naturally didn't coincide. They couldn't share a memory of her since she wasn't the same for the two of them. There weren't any sense of certainty, of consistency, of her own voice that would tell them how she viewed herself from inside. There were just specks of images which they remembered in their own manners.
Mother in his father's mind was always much more logical and composed than that one in Spock's mind. Spock didn't like to share his version of her with his father. It was like a hidden part of her would be exposed, a part where she ignored all Vulcan ways and gave comfort, joy, or love to young Spock whenever she would see something fragile and Human in him.
At the time, he found her displays of affection unnecessary, illogical and silly. He would say to himself that he just plays along for her to feel less alone.
In her absence, Spock looked at those moments differently. It was as they grew in his mind and he could feel affection for his mother he couldn't detect before. Those were the memories he was grateful for having. He was now satisfied that he played along, that he didn't disappoint her with indifferent logic he should display always.
If he goes through Kolinar, he won't be able to look at those memories and feel affection and warmth his mother gave to him.
Spock looked up to see Jim entering the bridge looking brisk and happy.
If he goes through Kolinar, he won't be able to feel this distinctive pleasure whenever he sees Jim approaching, Jim walking, talking and smiling.
That seemed like an immeasurable loss. Kolinar didn't seem like a priority, something he should rush to undergo. Until it comes to pass, there was no harm in enjoying the hidden emotion whenever Jim looks at him like he did just now lifting an eyebrow like he can see in Spock's mind. Surely, he can't. Or can he?
As they approached the source of his interest, Spock felt growing anxiety he tried to ignore. The fear arose in him that he will somehow endanger Jim with his curiosity. That he'll die, be lost or abducted. All sorts of scenarios went through Spock's head and he blamed his recent Pohn Faar for them.
He was still too affected, too attached for his new mate. The immeasurably small possibility of him dying now seemed unbearable. It was like the world would crumble if they would part.
It was irrational and illogical and Spock was determinant not to give it any credence but when the rocky planet appeared and it had an atmosphere where there should only be rocks he decided that it was maybe wise for them to be reasonable for once and not risk both of their lives on an uninspected planet that shouldn't be like it was.
"I suggest that I take the landing party while you oversee the necessary repairs, Captain," Spock said in the elevator where no one could hear his worries.
"Me, overseeing the repairs? Wouldn't it be more logical for you to do that while I explore?" Jim smirked like he can sense Spock's restless mind. "Or are there some more strange instructions this time around?"
"No, there are no instructions," Spock frowned as they exited to the corridor. "I just…" he hesitated but there was no reason to lie to Jim, it was illogical to pretend when he knew already too much of him anyway. "I feel I should go."
"You feel, Spock?" Jim stopped so Spock had to stop too and look at him.
"It's illogical for us both to risk it with the unknown. I would feel much safer if you are up here to extract us if anything strange happens."
"You would feel safer," Jim stepped half of a step closer and Spock felt a short urge to grab him but that was wrong, his Pohn Faar ended, he should be calm and collected now. "Who am I to deny you that kind of security? I know you give me the sense of security often enough."
As he spoke, Jim smiled and Spock had to gather all his self-control not to respond with something illogical and unnecessary.
"We humans love illogical things, don't we?" Jim said playfully and turned towards the transporter room.
"My suggestion was more than logical," Spock said deciding to ignore the fact that Jim included him in his definition of humanity. "It's not often that I demand an adjustment like this one."
"I heard you, Mr Spock," Jim said gently not turning around. "I can escort you to the transporter room. I will give me emotional security to see you go safely."
That made Spock pause and skip a step. Jim stopped too turning around to look at him. That confirmed to Spock what he suspected. Their connection did go both ways. Jim was open-minded enough to sense Spock's inner turmoil and occasional thoughts even when they weren't touching.
Jim nodded at him and Spock realized how well synchronized their minds became that he didn't even perceive their telepathic bond as something strange. Spock nodded back and they went to the transporter room moving as one. It was strange to be separated from him, to step into the transporter alone and look at him on the other side staying behind.
He felt the urge to say something more, something reassuring.
"I won't be long," he said to him and earned a smile just before he disappeared from Spock's sight.
When he appeared in a new atmosphere that had a sterile metal scent that didn't reek of life, he felt almost normal, like he was still alone in the world without anyone to call his own. Then he moved and Jim's voice appeared to check up on him.
He smiled slightly amused at the pleasure his voice never failed to deliver when the ground shook. After the earthquake everything seemed alright, except that Jim wasn't there anymore. Not in his communicator, not in his head, nowhere.
"They died," Spock said feeling a depth of despair for a second before he shut his inner emotional volcano out. "We need to find the source of the disturbance. Maybe that will give us a chance to survive because these life forms offer no nutrition."
As they moved, Spock observed the void in the back of his mind. The void where Jim cut and fought conquering parts of Spock's attention until he won it all. It was now a cold and barren place. Spock wondered how he never noticed this slow invasion. More than that, he wondered what he will do with his life without Jim in the universe.
That question proved to be too difficult to answer so he put it aside to think about it later. Hopefully never. If things go like this, they won't survive at all. A woman targeted them killing his crewmembers by a mere touch.
Spock has to snap out of his indifference because he found himself unable to care for his own survival. If anything, he has to care for the survival of others. Jim would want that.
The rocks they found were anything but ordinary and without threat. Jim was alarmed as soon as they lost contact with the landing party.
"Call them back, Scotty," he said feeling dread, something was wrong.
"Aye, Captain. It's just a glitch. Just a second has passed," then the planet below them shook, the ship shook and they were lightyears away from the planet.
Jim felt utterly alone. It was like the universe is empty and meaningless. Why did he fight for so long? Why was he so bent on survival? What was the point of his existence?
"They died," he said to Scotty. "That kind of a force had to crush them."
"We don't know that, Captain," Scotty said opening panels. "If there's a malfunction I'll find it. I can feel when machines are misbehaving. There's something off with the ship, I would swear on it, even if all readings are looking well."
"If you feel it's off, I believe your gut feeling more than any readings. Order the total inspection. While you look, give us all the power we can have. If anyone survived, we need to come back to them before they die of dehydration. We didn't detect anything drinkable down there."
"Aye, Captain," we'll do our best.
"I know you will," Jim went to the bridge sounding the red alert.
He wasn't even surprised when a mysterious woman appeared. Spock's strange behaviours seemed to be focused on women. Only this one, wasn't interested in any kind of seduction. It behaved more like a program than a woman focused on individual crewmembers.
It didn't take long for Jim to realize she shouldn't be allowed to touch the one whose name is on her lips. After that, she was quite harmless and Scotty was able to give them some more speed but nothing seemed fast enough.
Cursed him, why did they have to part? It's always better when they were together. They fought the odds better in each other's company. At least, Bones was with him. If they survived…
Jim's mind couldn't finish the sentence. A strange lethargy crept into him. It was like Spock was already taken from him. Of course he was, they managed to touch. Whoever touched Jim decided pretty quickly that there's nothing more to him, that he is someone to try and then abandon like an unworthy man he was. Someone who had nothing to offer but constant running and trouble. Fear and danger were his daily routine.
Unable to sit still, he spun his chair trying to think of something more to do but as usual he depended upon his men to do their job right.
Scotty crawled into a shaft as the time ran out nearing them to the explosion but Jim persisted believing in Scotty. If anyone could hit the right cord, Scotty could.
After he did, Jim doubted his instincts. Did he wish for Scotty to fail only to avoid coming back to the cold rock to find Spock dead?
Without Jim in his mind to balance him out, Spock felt like he's floating without a moral anchor. He felt like he can do anything. That anything that crosses his mind is acceptable to do, to try, to see.
"Snap out of it," Bones snapped his fingers before Spock's eyes. "Why are you fidgeting with that thing in your hand? It has no purpose, you never fidget. Jim is fine, I'm sure he is. He will come back in time."
Spock nodded putting the puzzle back to his pocket. There was no need to tell the Doctor how this was the world without Jim. Their minds were connected in such a way that they would feel each other even if they were parsecs away from one another.
"The projection of the woman has to come from here somewhere," Spock continued to scan the rocks. "The surge was strongest here. Devices able to produce so much power have to have a chamber containing them and a huge power source."
Focus on his task helped him. Thinking of what Jim would do was hard. Jim's way of thinking was so far away from Spock's that he had to listen in on his thoughts to understand him. Without his mind thinking beside him, Spock found it harder to predict what he would do. Not that he would be able to predict him in any other time.
"Stop fidgeting," McCoy shouted at him. "Time is running out. We are getting thirstier by the minute. It's not like you to get distracted so easily."
"But it is, Doctor," Spock refocused his attention to the rock before him searching for the entrance. "We, Vulcans, are a logical race focused on thinking. To get lost in one's mind is easier than to be present and observe reality as it happens. Reality often proves to be too dull to observe closely. Thoughts flow much swifter. Only Jim…" he trailed off as his hand stopped on the wedge.
"I'm sure he's well," Doctor's hand found Spock's shoulder and squeezed it.
"Well is a term that is hard to strictly define, someone might argue that some people are well even when they are incapable of speaking," Spock said pressing the wedge making the rock retreat and a passage appeared.
"I shouldn't have doubted you, Spock. You always deliver."
"Not always, Doctor," Spock said pensively as he scanned the insides of the corridor. "The nudge is appreciated. Urgency which you provide sometimes saves us seconds which mean survival but sadly I see no moist here even if we found the devices. Devices need no hydration to function on."
The message appeared and they watched another civilization that went to ruin only to be outlived by their technology. That thought was discouraging. He reached out and put in a sequence to terminate the protection protocol.
"Even if this technology is admirable," he murmured to the Doctor. "There's no need that some other beings die because of its cruel efficiency. They are defending a dead land no one will ever claim."
He felt the utter sadness of his words. He too is a dead land now that won't be claimed by anyone. The sequence started and screens went dark.
"We could at least have some light as we die," Doctor murmured but then something changed in the air.
As the protective barrier went down, a trace of happiness found Spock's soul. He looked inwards and saw the void populated once more. Jim was there rushing, repairing machinery, making Enterprise run faster. He was still far but coming closer. Spock breathed in deeply feeling a sense of relaxation going through his muscles.
"I think our Captain wouldn't be pleased with us if he found us dead, don't you think Doctor?" he looked around thinking of a solution.
Where there was breathable air, condensation had to happen. They just needed a bit of water not to be completely exhausted when they arrive.
"That's the spirit, Spock, Jim would move mountains to get to you."
"And to you Doctor too," Spock reconnected few energy fields to get a cold surface and a hot one. "For any of our crew," he looked at Sulu and geologist, he felt good about keeping all of them alive. "Shall we start with some condensation? Surely we can produce a cup of water before they get here."
"I would rather wait drinking booze," Doctor smirked. "But water will do fine too. There's nothing worse than when Jim finds us helpless, smugness of him is unbearable for weeks. He's as happy as a pig in a pigs tag."
"Although I approve of Captain being satisfied, I must concur that I would rather if we greet him standing."
They heated and cooled the air producing just enough water not to drop from exhaustion. It felt like their mission was accomplished when Jim rushed in to find them conscious.
"I wonder why I ever doubted you two and your ability to survive," he smiled putting his hands on both of their shoulders but Spock noted how his shoulder received full contact while Doctor got a communicator on his.
It was a small difference but the implication of it wasn't lost on Spock. He was claimed by Jim as much as Jim was claimed by him but what did that mean in human terms? If he would judge by Captain's previous conquests, it wouldn't mean much.
On that thought, Jim's hand squeezed him gently returning him to the present moment. If Jim knew to do something with ease, it was to keep Spock's attention firmly pressed to the present moment where Jim moved, laughed and commanded his men with an ease and grace.
Jim rushed forward with a sense of rising panic until he wasn't. He still rushed onward with the maximum speed but his panic was gone. It was like a switch was flicked and the light came back on. Spock was there on the verge of his mind. Not touching but he was definitely there waiting for him to return.
He was finally able to relax back in his chair revealing his inner anxiety only by tapping his fingers on his armrest.
The closer they got, his restless fingers went tapping quicker. He wasn't comforted by the presence of Spock because there was no way of determining was he well, was he targeted, was he on the verge of dying? What if he comes there too late?
Jim beamed down as soon as it was in range. He rushed in just to find Bones and Spock leaning over a science experiment. They found a way to produce water out of thin air. He was so proud of them that he wanted to crush them both in a firm embrace.
Instead of showing his inner anxiety like that, he restricted himself to grabbing their shoulders to steady himself. To lose the both of them would mean to lose meaning. He probably took the both of them on missions so often because it was easier to think of dying by their side than to die alone, or even worse of them dying where he can't save them.
They went back to the ship and this time Jim played the doctor forcing all of them to the sick bay to the examination asking of Chapel to hold McCoy to the bed. Which she did gladly.
"This is revenge," Bones grumbled but submitted to the infusions and injections adjusting dosages himself.
"I am a Vulcan," Spock calmly withstood the scanner. "I can feel the misbalance and will adjust it shortly. I just need to go and meditate in my room for a while."
"You can do that here," Bones insisted.
"It's a private thing, not something one does before others."
"We are not others," Bones tried to sit up but Chapel pushed him back to bed. "I know enough of Vulcan biology by now that I know someone has to slap you hard if you go under too much."
"Don't worry, Bones, I'll go with him and make sure he's well."
"Go, and punch him real hard if his green heart stops beating."
"That won't happen," Jim dispersed that image. "His vitals aren't as shaky as yours. You barely drank."
"I drank enough," Bones grumbled as he let Chapel push him to the bed.
Spock and Jim walked in silence towards his cabin. It was strange to walk beside his Captain. It was like he died once again even if this time only their connection was severed for a long while. Even a minute without his presence now seemed like an eternity.
It was an exaggeration, Spock knew that logically, but it was what it was. As time goes by, he will probably get adjusted to this bond but for now it felt like he has to have Jim in his line of sight all the time.
That's why he didn't object when Captain went to his cabin. Maybe in there he thinks of a way to stay detached, to stay reasonable in the face of this irrational feeling that was possessing his mind.
Upon entering his cabin, Spock had planned what to say to make Jim leave as soon as possible but then he entered his cabin and paused.
"Someone broke in my cabin," he said alarmed. "Someone went through my stuff."
"That someone was me," Jim said looking bashful. "While we worked the engines I got anxious and went to search for your scrolls just in case a message appeared but there was nothing, the inscription was unchanged. I tried to return everything as it was but I obviously failed."
"You did return everything as it was," Spock adjusted the book by his bedside. "Almost everything."
"Because a book was tilted you assumed everything was upturned."
"If someone came in and touched the book, it's plausible that they were looking for something more meaningful."
"I could have come in just to see the book, to feel your presence, it didn't have to be for any other reason."
Spock looked up and their eyes met. As soon as their eyes met, there was no reason to pretend anymore. The tension of anxiety was gone but another kind of tension rose up in the air. They were alone in his cabin.
"I dehydrated. I need to rest," Spock said supressing images of the two of them back where they belong, in the darkness of unused corridors.
Those weren't Spock's memories anyway. He forgot his own. Those were Jim's memories he had no right accessing.
"Of course, I'll just sit here and make myself quiet as a mouse," Jim sat in the chair by the table. "You just do your thing. I'll go when I see you're well enough to rest. Give me the reassurance of looking at you alive for a short while. It is such a relief to feel you there."
Spock nodded looking away and sat in the positon for meditation. It wasn't strange to do that in front of Jim. He wasn't the other. He was Spock's mate.
As he descended into meditation, he thought how he felt safer with Jim there looking at him. Jim will wake him up if he goes in too deep.
