8.01 You Hold the Axis of the World

Reassurance of Spock's presence didn't last for long. He went into meditation and at first it was fine but then his breathing went thinner and thinner. Soon, Jim wasn't sure was he breathing at all. He was so sure of himself when he entered but now he felt an impulse to call in Bones to rush in with his scanners.

How will he know if Spock's heart stops?

Minutes dragged on and Jim realized that he either has to call Bones in or go in closer to check upon Spock's pulse.

It seemed as an overreaction to call Bones in this calm atmosphere. Spock said he was fine, that he can do it on his own. Spock usually had the right insight in his own body.

Still, to sit there not knowing was unacceptable. He shouldn't have come if he doesn't play his role. Slowly, not to disturb Spock's meditation, he went closer trying to determine does his ribcage move. If there was movement, it was so slight he failed to notice it.

Should he slap him now?

That seemed as an overreaction so he reached out and touched Spock's wrist. There was faint something but was it a heartbeat?

Having no better option, Jim leaned in closer and put his ear to the side of Spock's stomach, just where his ribcage ended.

There it was, a steady heartbeat and a slight movement of his breath.

Calmed by the rhythm of it, Jim stayed like that listening waiting for the sign of oncoming betrayal. The breath became deeper and Jim wanted to move out but Spock emerged from his meditation as fast as he went in.

"Jim," he said placing his palm on the back of his head.

"I was just listening are you breathing. To make sure your heart beats," he said not moving.

He was trespassing. When you're trespassing no sudden movements are allowed. You could be shoot on sight for any provocation.

"That was reasonable. I should have given you a scanner for you to monitor me. I was overly exhausted so I didn't remember to do that."

"Your breath was shallow," Jim justified himself still not moving, the hand was on his head.

"I was told that can be disquieting. When I rest, breathing is minimal."

"It's not disquieting when I can hear your heart beat. Your heartbeat is soothing."

"Jim," was all Spock said but the flavour of his name was deeper than it ever was.

Slowly, Jim moved away to straighten himself up but the hand on the back of his head didn't move away. They looked at each other while Spock held his head steady. Jim waited.

When everything happened, he was the only one who was fully aware. Spock was senseless being at that time. It was Spock who has to choose him too in his clear state of mind.

"My mind is clear," Spock answered his thoughts not looking him in the eye. "But you must be aware that my heart will always be more Vulcan. Vulcan biology won and most of me is Vulcan, or I wouldn't survive the merge of species. I have no emotions to offer. No such deep ones like the ones that run through you. It's a lonely existence to be a Human living beside a Vulcan. I saw it on my mother many times over. Even if we bonded, you are Human, you are free to live your life as this bond isn't there. It will only affect me and I'll carry its burden gratefully because your sacrifice gave me life. All my days since then are because of you. I owe you my life many times over. I would never imprison you to be by my side just because my biology demands it to be so."

"Imprison?" Jim moved slightly closer. "I would endure any prison that has you in it rather than all the plains of the galaxy. I know your emotions, I know what you offer. It's more than any other being can give me. I would live and die for you without a second thought. To live without you would be to suffer life rather than living it."

"To be my mate just because my biology chose you would be too much to ask of you. We Vulcans mate for life. There's no choice in the matter for us. You don't have to yield to the lack of reason behind Pohn Faar."

"That was the only reason. I pursued you, pressured you, and challenged you. I invited Pohn Faar in. It wasn't random. Our minds were one. I saw it in you. You wanted me, not someone random. You wanted me as much as I desire you."

"It is not logical for either of us to desire the other. There's no biological or sociological benefit out of our union. It's only overexposure. This journey lasts for too long. As soon as we dock, you'll find a suitable mate, probably a small light haired woman that smiles at you the right way."

Jim reached out and placed his palm to his chest where his heart would be if his human biology won. Spock didn't flinch away keeping their contact steady. It was like they were batteries connected from both ends. That made Jim relax enough to smile. He traced a path to the actual location of Spock's heart.

There he rested his palm feeling the steady heartbeat. As he did so, he could see tension lessening in Spock's posture. Some deep stiffness gave in.

"I have no idea what the future holds," Jim said quietly and Spock finally looked in his eyes. "I just know I want to hold you now. I want to hold you whenever I can. Until we both get our fill of the other, or until death comes and breaks us apart. To be without you is to be without air."

Spock's other hand found Jim's temple as he pulled Jim closer for their foreheads to rest together.

"My mind to your mind," Spock murmured. "Our minds are one."

A veil between their minds broke and Jim found himself surrounded by possessive care, by anxiety of losing, by sorrow of goodbye, by damaging pleasure of the presence that is always there but never in reach.

"To want is sometimes more pleasurable than to have," Spock told him. "You'll get tired of this, of intensity, of demands, of restrictions. You will ran away."

Jim could see himself driving his step-father's car crashing it on the cliff. He could see himself running and running and running. Abandoning, falling, failing and not caring.

He fought against the tide of his own mind and grabbed on Spock's shoulders like he's holding for his dear life.

"Not to you, never you," he pushed back offering all the images of them running together, of falling together, of raising together, of lifting each other up from traps, holes and escaping prisons. "For you, I would leave it all behind and follow you to the ends of the universe."

"That's what worries me," Spock lessened his pressure moving his forehead away. "You'll rather die than let me die. I can't suffer your death again."

The image of Jim dying behind the glass came between them. He could feel Spock's desperate frustration that he can't touch him, that he can't drag him out, can't save him, his raging blind aggression in his pursuit of Khan. Not a single rational thought came as he hunted Khan down. The first rational thought came when he heard Jim could live.

Jim's cheeks were wet from tears. He reached out and touched Spock's dry cheeks. Even under all that pain he couldn't cry. He could cry only heavily sedated or drugged.

"Let me touch you," Jim pleaded. "Even if we're crushed under thousands of stones, I want to die with you in my mind rather than alone. There is no one in this whole universe that can be you. There's no one else I want."

It felt like an uphill battle. Spock already made up his mind. There was no room for Jim beside him. Jim was a man who wanted to win at all costs be it through lying, cheating, charming or backstabbing. He would win always but this wasn't a battle he wanted to see Spock lose.

That's why he disengaged moving away.

"I should let you rest," he said looking away breaking the contact of their minds. "Now that I'm sure you're alright I should return to my post. Come out when you're ready."

He moved but Spock's hand was on his stopping him.

"It's not that I don't trust you," Spock said heavily. "It's that I think it's better for you to live a life with someone who will emotionally respond."

"Your responses were always more than enough for me," Jim smiled, lifted their hands and placed a kiss to the back of Spock's hand. "Patience is a gift I'll always give to you even if I don't have it for anyone else."

With that, he got up and exited his cabin. As he walked, Jim felt easy on his feet. It was like he won even if he lost and was heavily rejected. Sometimes, to win you have to pull your rook back to wait for a less guarded opportunity.

There was nothing calm in Spock the following days. He kept his outer appearance steady but it felt like all his inner emotions came to the surface to torture him. For him, to feel was to suffer. He never understood Humans and their affection for emotions. Why did they enjoy the chaos of them so much he could never fathom.

He talked to Jim and explained why they should keep their balance as it was before as nothing has changed. Nothing changed really but it felt different. It was like Jim could make an eye contact that lasted split of a second and transmit whatever feeling he had to Spock.

It was chaos of emotions that plagued Spock. A chaos where he did not know how many of those emotions were caused by him and how many just transmitted from Jim.

He had an urge to call his father and ask how he dealt with it. How he managed to distinguish his inner life from that of his wife. Still, he didn't call. If he did, father would sense more about him than he was willing to share.

This will pass and he will be in control once again.

If it persist for much longer, he will have to go to New Vulcan and ask for Kolinar to be performed. It wasn't the best option but it was comforting to have a way out if the need arises.

For now, they operated as they always did, on the surface. Below the surface the slightest contact with his Captain made Spock alert and ready to fight whoever needed to be fought.

Luckily, enough troubles always found them and the tension got discharged in runs, solving problems and escaping imprisonment.

Still, when he was alone descending in his meditation he felt like Jim is there with him pressing his head against Spock's heart. It was a warm feeling. The one that made him feel secure.

It wasn't even shocking to wake up from his deep rest to find Jim like that, monitoring his heart beats by pressing his ear to listen in. It felt normal like Jim can now make any contact with him he wanted and it would be accepted as his right to do so.

Spock put his hand on his hair feeling the warmth of his thoughts just below the surface. The veil between them bothered his rested mind. He was calm and in control. He felt like he could explain it to Jim now how he's free to go and resume with his life as he did before so he spoke up.

Seemingly resistant to reason, Jim persisted refusing to understand how freedom was always his choice in any situation. His words brought Spock pain so he reached out for his mind to remove the obstacle of words between them but even in there when their minds were one Jim kept his stance refusing fear and offering possibilities.

Jim was never able to accept Kobayashi Maru. Some situations couldn't be won.

To his surprise, Jim retreated without charging onward leaving Spock to his thoughts. His thoughts were calm again when Jim exited and he knew it was only right for them to keep the distance that worked for them so far. Nothing was more important to Jim than his service and his ship. He proved that over and over again as women were left behind to pine in his absence.

"Don't you find it strange," Jim spun old Spock's scroll in his hands as Spock thought of his next move on the chess board in Spock's cabin. "Planet killing machines, viruses that wipe out whole populations and giant bacteria that could eat the whole universe don't seem in the same category of danger as acid tears of a seductive alien and spores that drug men to be happily idle. It seems so random to put all that together, like there's no real scale of danger. The next thing could be of him to send us to pick up groceries."

"It's not random," Spock moved his queen. "Only the galaxy endangering threats are in there."

"You can't argue that acid tears of one woman can endanger the galaxy," Jim shook his head moving his rook without much thought.

Spock concentrated on the board trying to see his angle.

"Formula for acid tears, or danger of spores, weren't in the scroll," Spock said absentmindedly.

"They weren't?" Jim leaned forward observing the board. "How did you know then?"

"Those were precautions Spock gave me after the completion of our first mission. To put in Enterprise's data," Spock moved his rook.

"You mean to tell me that for old Spock," Jim smiled widely leaning over the board and Spock knew Jim won before he made his move, "thought of those things came first, before any other danger to the galaxy he thought of the danger to our virtue?"

Jim moved his hunter and gave Spock checkmate.

"Virtue? I see nothing virtuous in those situations," he observed the board frustrated, how did he always find unpredictable moves to win.

"It's a skill, to be lucky," Jim leaned back in his chair. "Think about it. The only real danger in those situations for us was to be drugged into submission and forced into an unwanted relationship."

"I see no such thing in the incident with spores. There was no one there who would harass you."

Jim's smile got even wider.

"So you worry for me first too. I'm touched. No, there was that girl whose eyes followed you around. The instruction was that you shouldn't go down there. It's endearing that you will get so old and still worry about subtle things."

"I would never…"

"Drugged you would," Jim interrupted him returning the scroll to him, as he did his fingers brushed slightly on Spock. "Anyway I'm always grateful to the older you. His ability to love comforts me to this day."

"Ability to love?" Spock was offended. "Surely not. He was old enough to go through Kolinar. I will surely go through it."

"Kolinar?" Jim asked putting the figurines away.

"An ancient ritual of purging all emotions so logic can function without any obstacles."

Jim's hand paused mid-air as he looked at Spock seeming alarmed.

"You wouldn't do that ever. He didn't, you wouldn't either."

"You must be mistaken. You barely knew older me. One meeting isn't a way to judge anyone's character let alone someone so complex and old like I will be in a few decades from now."

"It was one meeting but as soon as he saw me he said 'Jim' like you do now but didn't back then. He grabbed my head and mind-melded with me showing me his whole story. How else would I believe him so quickly? I know your future mind. It was as compassionate and gentle as you are, if not more. Age will mellow you down, not make you harsher."

Spock stared at him trying to encompass the magnitude of what he just said. Mind-meld. In their first meeting, and the like that could be shared only with your mate where he feels what you feel. Jim, even so young, was able to take in his memories and retain them.

"No," Spock resisted it. "You must be mistaken. You aren't able to understand a cold logical mind so you projected how you would feel if the whole world died on you, because of you."

"No, why would I? I didn't know either of you then. I hated you. After he showed me his mind, I could never hate you after that no matter what kind of a prick you appeared to be on the outside."

"He's a different version of me. He didn't lost so much. My path won't be the same as his was."

"Still, you did start to call me Jim the same way he did," Jim shrugged his shoulders looking smug. "And you rushed in the cabin to give me the antidote ignoring all etiquette. You could have waited a bit more. Now that I know it wasn't the scroll that made you rush like that, I know you heard about the tears and was running to get me out of her room."

"You always find a way to win," Spock resisted his logic but there was no point in lying, he did come in running when he heard about the effect of toxic tears. "If older I did show you events as you say, they are still in your mind. I can check upon them and decide were events as you describe them. I refuse to believe I will grow old to be a sentimental fool."

"Oh, please do," Jim removed the board between them and leaned forward.

There was no backing away now. Spock was grateful for the table that stood between them as he leaned forward to put his fingers in Jim's temple and cheek. There was nothing intimate in this act, he did it to check upon facts not to be one with Jim.

Their minds clicked with ease and Spock was let in to find the memory he was looking for. No one's mind was as open to Spock as Jim's was but that was only understandable now that they were bonded for life.

The memory wasn't hard to find. It was a big space which colours shone brightly. Spock stood there looking as Vulcan burns from another point. First as Jim, then as Spock, then as Spock retold Jim the chain of events and what he must do.

"Jim," Spock said and the sound of that name was preserved in Jim's mind like something baffling.

The sound of it was layered and each layer seemed to contain something gentle. Jim wasn't like that, people would tell his name in anger, never like that. Spock opened his mind to Jim showing pictures but pictures were less important. What was more important were the emotions that encompassed Jim as he listened.

It was a warm glow of protection and care. Those weren't Jim's projected emotions. They were Spock's own inner emotions hidden in his inner volcano but now spread around without any attempt to be controlled.

It was chaos but Spock didn't fight it. He was immensely sad but also painfully pleased to see Jim young, to touch his mind, to see his smile that was lost so long ago.

Spock broke the contact running away. How could he get so old and not be wise or logical at all? How can he grieve Jim's smile more than the whole Vulcan being destroyed? It was illogical and Spock won't let that happen to him.

"Hey," Jim grabbed Spock's hand between his warm palms. "It's ok. It's just a painful memory. You're here with me now."

"That's the problem, isn't it?" Spock almost felt calm under the logical conclusion. "As long as I indulge in your company, I won't be able to let go of emotions. The longer my exposure to you lasts the less likely is that I will be able to go through with Kolinar and earn respect of elder Vulcans. I will end up old, alone and not belonging anywhere chasing some Romulans to destroy Vulcan over and over again just to see you smile once more."

"That's not a conclusion I was hoping for," Jim frowned still holding his hand.

Spock should remove his hand, get up and go anywhere to be away from Jim but sadness that appeared in Jim's eyes stopped him. He couldn't bring himself to cause Jim pain.

"But if that is the logical outcome I trust your judgement. I shall plot the course for Vulcan. You go under your Kolinar and return to us even more logical and able to withstand my charms without swaying. I'll get used to it. If you don't reflect my emotions back to me, even I will understand that I've been rejected. I'm a big boy, I can stand rejection but I can't stand losing you or you suffering the explosion of Vulcan once more."

"You would do that for me?" Spock frowned confused. "You always want to win."

"Even I can understand defeat," Jim caressed his hand before retreating breaking the contact. "I observed you since it happened. You aren't happy. You feel cornered and trapped. I need you trusting me and I need you by my side whatever that entails. If it's for us to run around and get ourselves in dangers, it's probably better if only I worry for you. When you worry for me, you tend to confine me to my quarters. I need to stretch my legs and run around from time to time."

With that, he smiled the smile Spock never believed. The one he offered women when he would reject and abandon them. But there was pain hidden behind this smile. Spock had the urge to lean forward and pierce his mind to find what the truth behind it was, what was he trying to gain. He wouldn't just give up like that. It was out of character but it was dangerous to break lines like that. Spock was on the verge of leaping forward and grabbing him as it is. Privacy was the thing he owed Jim.

"Why would you do that? That would mean you lose."

"Don't you know I would die for you?" Jim got up and turned around to leave his cabin. "I would never keep you from doing something you feel you need to do."

Unable to restrain himself Spock got up and grabbed Jim from behind hugging him tightly. They stood like that cheek to cheek bodies pressed in together.

"That means I wouldn't feel these emotions anymore," Spock said quietly. "I would have nothing to offer to you."

"Spock," Jim placed his palm against Spock's hand. "You are always everything. Your mind is the part of you I admire the most. If it's something you have to do, we'll figure it out as we go. I won't have you limiting your choices because of me. Emotions are pleasant but they aren't what our bond is all about."

They stood like that in silence for a while and Jim didn't pressure Spock to let go but after a while he did lean against Spock's chest.

"I have dreams," Jim said quietly breaking the silence. "In them, we're always like this, closely pressed in together. If those dreams continue, I'm game for anything. Our bond won't be dissolved by the ritual, will it? It's something that should last a life-time."

"A life-time," Spock confirmed. "Whatever happens, however we change I will be yours, always."

Slowly, Jim turned in his arms. Spock didn't let go holding him in an embrace. As their chest aligned, Spock pressed him in firmer. Jim lifted his hand and placed his palm against Spock's face.

That was a moment in time that seemed to last forever and then Spock realized Jim had won once again provoking Spock to make a move that would defeat him.

"Whatever it takes to make you feel safer," Jim said gently caressing his cheek. "I won't be the one to be the source of misery for you. If that is what is needed for you to be at ease for being tied to me for a life-time, I'll suffer some coldness. Hopefully then, your company won't be in short supply. I know I'm not a perfect mate you would wish for but I am and always shall be your friend."

"Don't you understand?" Spock's frustration rose up and he grabbed Jim even tighter. "You are the most perfect mate I would ever dare to wish for. The one who is my friend, who appreciates me without rejecting parts of me. You are immeasurably valuable to me. But that doesn't obligate you to participate in this twisted Vulcan knot of being forever bound by another. You aren't a slave to your biology, you have the freedom to choose a more suitable partner than I am. I will understand and submit to the logic of it. Kolinar will only help us to function from a place I won't be subjected to the surges of madness, jealousy and possessiveness that would limit you."

"If I'm free to choose, why won't you let me choose you?"

That made Spock pause. Suddenly he felt like all those computers Jim broke just by talking to them. His logic was always impeccable. Spock stared at him for a while.

"What would that mean, if you choose me?" he finally asked knowing it will be his final blow, the point of no return but Jim's gravitational pull was so strong that it felt how Spock was falling down on him from orbit and that the option of pulling away was long gone.

"Everything that we decide it means," Jim smiled gently lifting his other hand to caress his chest. "Contact, no contact, physical more, or less, whatever our changes in mood tell us it's in order. Being in a relationship is a dance of sorts. Observing you stepping on Uhura's toes so often made me think you never learned how to dance. It's a subtle thing. Like now, I'm not charging at you am I? Because I feel the resistance, the stiffness of your posture. It would be rude to charge now when you are so exposed and vulnerable. In other moments, you might find me charging at you like a bull because the sturdiness of you gives me security that you can sustain the blow. You understand? I can sustain your strength, your logic and detachment because I know deep in my heart that beneath it all you do care for me deeply, probably as deeply as I feel for you."

"I do care, Captain," Spock said heavily.

"See, you struggle. Whenever you need respect you call me Captain. When you call me Jim, it's like I'm invited in."

"What we will do now? I'm unwilling to let go of you and you estimated correctly, I'm too stiff to give anything more than this contact. This too seems too much at moments."

"Now we dance," Jim smiled and typed his communicator to play them some music all the while navigating crushed in Spock's unyielding arms.

The music started and Jim put his arms around Spock's neck forcing him to sway from side to side.

"This is strange," Spock said after a while.

"It's called dancing. I can't believe Uhura never taught you. She's the one to dance and sing all night long."

"I found it irrational and unnecessary," Spock frowned feeling uneasy that Jim speaks of her so often. "She said I'm too stiff to be taught."

"No, you're just sturdy as you should be," Jim leaned his head against Spock's shoulder. "There are other forms too. I could teach you some. To dance properly you need to honour your posture. For you, only formal dances are allowed, the one where you lead sternly, unyielding, manly as you should be."

"And you, Captain, you would allow yourself to be led like that?" Spock felt his stiff arms lessening their grip as he breathed in a bit deeper.

"Allowed? I would love it. I command constantly. To feel safe and cared for wouldn't be so bad."

That made Spock give in to the rhythm adjusting their movement to go with the music better. Jim was slightly out of tune. As he took over their movement, he could feel Jim relaxing in his arms. It was suddenly natural to be like this, there was nothing strange about it. He was just providing his mate with comfort as they went through a ritual of confirming their bond as something mutual they both agreed upon. Jim wasn't trapped by Spock, it was just a protection Jim accepted as something desirable.

After a while, Spock relaxed enough to place a kiss to Jim's cheek. That was all intimacy they shared as they danced but somehow it was enough and it felt like the world came back to its axis.