9.01 I Have the Duty to Provide

The power Jim had sometimes amazed him. He used it most of the time not even aware he navigates people around to do what he tells them to do.

The ability to command shaped his life so much that all of his intimate relationships suffered because of it. Women in his life would soon start to fight against him like he's their archenemy rather than doing anything he asks them to. It was because he commanded effortlessly not even noticing he's giving out orders.

He lived on his ship for years now. The day in and the day out from the moment when he wakes up till the moment he dozes off trying to read something to extend his day. Every waking hour of his day he was the Captain. The one who was asked what to do and when to do it, sometimes even in what sequence but that option he tried avoid whenever he could.

To command efficiently you had to trust your people to do their job well. You had to trust your judgement that you choose your officers well and that they won't crack under pressure.

That trust in his own abilities to choose people, to trust them, was now on the test.

He choose to pursue Spock and now he was suddenly on the other side of the wall obviously winning even if he didn't understand how or why.

Even if it seemed that Spock is rejecting him, his every word betrayed surrender. There was no mentioning of Spock choosing another, of Spock desiring someone else, of Spock denying Jim access. It was always about Jim choosing another, about Jim needing to be free.

That made Jim pause and think about it some more.

Spock wasn't a person who used words carelessly. Everything he said had weight to it, had meaning. He used words like bond, mate, biology, for life. It didn't sound like Pohn Faar was just about Vulcans being horny.

Jim already searched Pohn Faar and all things that were mentioned in their databases but there was no mention of it. Having no better option he took a fine ale from his cabinet and went to the sick bay while Bones was sleeping to catch his expert on Vulcan biology he acquired when Spock almost died from those damn poisonous arrows.

Pouring the good doctor in the night shift some drinks proved to be enough to make him talk. He explained the biology behind Vulcans dying if they get refused in the midst of their Pohn Faar.

"It's the adrenalin that kills them, you see," he was whispering like he's sharing great secrets that can't be told loudly. "The savagery eats them alive."

"Terrible, that probably never happens."

"More than you know but no one talks about it. They have a technical disease they submit as the cause of death of their adolescent boys to avoid talking about it with strangers."

"Adolescent boys? Not older?"

"No, they go through it as they mature, it's the worst the first time. Then they might die. It repeats itself every seven years but they can survive those. Easier if their mate is alive, if not, they suffer through it with great sense of pain no one else can relieve."

"So, they depend upon their mates to go through Pohn Faar. What if they abandon each other? They can go and find someone new to go through it with them?"

"You don't understand. Pohn Faar isn't just some random mating ritual. It binds their minds together for life. It's like a unique seal no one else can unlock. Pohn Faar is what we wish our marriage is, an unbreakable bond that doesn't end even if one of them dies. It's always favourable if it's a man that dies first. Women don't suffer the fire of the blood."

"Do Vulcans then create other bonds that aren't triggered by Pohn Faar?"

"Of course they do. Their concept of marriage triggered by Pohn Faar isn't like ours. It doesn't imply fidelity or close proximity. It just requires reunion every seven years like we can see with our First Officer. I was starting to wonder when his wife will appear. It's been years since the journey began."

"Seven year mark is nearing, they prolonged our mission since we do our jobs well," Jim said pensively. "But, surely, Pohn Faar can be repeated later in life. It can be transferred to another if needed. They can't go around mad and mindless every seven years for life."

"No, it's a thing that happens once in the life time. The first time it occurs it caused the mindlessness and can lead to death. Later it's like having a fever you can stand."

"So, it's not an emotional thing," Jim said feeling deflated somehow. "It's just their biology that forces them to breed despite being so smart and logical."

"Not an emotional thing in our sense but for them it's maybe even more. In the process, their minds become one. That's why they can stand to be distant from each other because they are always one in their mind. There's no rules about cheating and fidelity among them because they can't hide anything from their spouse, ever."

Jim just stared at him for a moment processing.

"It's a great responsibility then, to be a mate to a Vulcan. Can you imagine sharing your mind with someone who is vicious and undisciplined? You can't escape to the other side of the universe without their mind bugging you. The choice must be careful. It's reckless to bond them as children. I can imagine a life-time of misery, nothing more," he thought of T'Pring and her vicious emotionless face, he would never let someone like that have his Spock to torture him through eternity calling him a half-breed.

"I think we bring our own emotionality into it. Vulcans are logical beings. Even as children their minds are stable and they can predict what kind of a grownups they will form. After the testing they find a perfect match, a mind close enough to theirs so their union isn't a burden but an unnoticeable companionship. I find it quite intriguing. Do you think Mr Spock could be convinced to share his experiences of the matter?"

"No, surely not," Jim got up to leave. "I think it's even rude to ask. He's quite private about those things. You see that even I got curious and rather asked you than him."

"True, Vulcans are very private and protective over any part of their culture where their biology wins over reason."

As he left the sick bay, Jim thought about Spock's problem. It wasn't his logical Vulcan protectiveness that was the problem but his Human emotionality that made him indecisive.

If he was logical, as he was in other matters, he would draw his conclusions, make a decision and whatever it may be he would be clear about it.

Since it happened, Spock was anything but clear.

At moments, he was like things haven't changed, animated and flirtatious towards Jim. The rest of the time he was unmovable like when they first met, like a Vulcan who has no emotions and denies any trace humanity about himself.

When their eyes would meet, Jim would sometimes sense more than hear fragments of Spock's thoughts and they were always full of worry and anxiety that had no resolution. Jim too could feel that cloud rising around him. Did he ruin their well-tuned friendship with his move? He didn't understand at the time it was a marriage ritual of sorts.

It wasn't a small thing to get married in any culture. To get married in Vulcan way was irrevocable. For better or for worse, Jim's mind is the one Spock will listen as long as Jim lives.

That thought worried him beyond comprehension. The length of Spock's life was so much longer than Jim's. The solitude that will ensue seemed too cruel. In the moments when their minds were parted by the protective shield between them, Jim felt Spock's absence as a part of him died.

Will it be like that for Spock after he dies?

He chased those thoughts away. They were in danger constantly, the galaxy around them was hostile and unpredictable. They both might die at any moment crushed by rocks together. It wasn't decided what will happen. What is, is in this moment. This moment is the thing Jim should be focused on.

Spock was weary and careful before Jim acting as he was under siege disrupting their usual seamless communication and cooperation. That alone could be more dangerous for them and the whole ship than anything else.

They needed to get back to functioning and openly communicating as soon as possible.

That was the nature of Jim's commanding nature. He thought of his ship, his crew and their well-being before anything else. Spock and Jim were on the top of the command chain. Their smooth cooperation is the thing that kept them alive and their ship in one piece.

He needed Spock more as his First Officer than as his intimate partner.

Jim was used to be without an intimate partner. It was a thing he could handle. He wasn't used to be unable to read his First Officer's mind and intention. Only now when he was closed off, did Jim realize just how much he was leaning on their unspoken communication that was always ongoing.

Even before this official bond, their minds were closely entwined together. They were in sync moving as one. That kept them alive countless times.

He needed that back even if that means losing the intimate part that was always on the horizon but never nearing. It was a sacrifice Jim has to take for their ship to function on.

"A game of chess?" Jim said on the corridor and then just walked in Spock's cabin not waiting for the response.

They had to resolve their issue this way or another. He could feel another threat coming their way. They had to be ready for any calamity that might be hiding behind the corner.

Playing chess was always their way of talking openly. When Spock would focus on the game, he would talk more openly than when he was fully concentrated on the conversation.

Jim opened with what he thought was a neutral theme, the inconsistency between tasks Spock's scroll was giving them. It turned out the theme wasn't neutral at all.

Old Spock was so endearing in his direct ways. No hesitation, no rules, just 'I don't want you to go through this mess again'. No one could convince Jim that it wasn't out of protective jealousy, nothing more. He was grateful. To think of Spock drugged enough to let that girl go near him was to go mad and angry.

It didn't infuriate him to think of Uhura like that. It was understandable to desire Uhura. He too could see her charms. More than that, they were together before he thought of Spock as anything but annoying. As he observed them as a couple over the years, he couldn't hide his curiosity about them. He couldn't picture how that works between them. He couldn't picture Spock passionate.

That is until things changed between them. It was like Jim was suddenly able to penetrate to his mind, to see his thoughts, to feel when emotions would escape his control. He wasn't even sure when that happened. It was such a slow and steady process that it didn't seem to have a moment where it started.

Jim was annoyed by Spock until one day he looked at him and instead of an annoying bastard he saw an adorable cute guy he wants to look at for a moment longer. At first, that didn't seem like anything alarming, it was just a change of perspective. It was understandable, they worked together for so long, he started to like the guy.

As the feeling grew, it got discharged in surges of frustration and anger. Spock didn't seem to mind, he would argue providing the frame for exchange of emotions and words. It was a bit strange but it worked.

The problem started when the anger stopped to be replaced by something gentle and protective. Inside of that feeling, desire started to build up until Jim submitted and broke the barrier kissing Spock in the state of an extreme fatigue.

The kiss disrupted the balance they had causing them to almost drift apart completely. That was the moment they could have drifted apart.

That moment was gone. They were married now.

They were married now.

Jim should think of that some more but it was too big to think about it. Especially since Spock didn't seem eager to be married to him. He was anything but eager. He even refused to believe that the Old Spock felt love for him, even this younger version of him.

That couldn't be so. The mind-meld should be the thing to clear things up. Maybe an insight into the older Spock gives him clarity.

As their minds melted, they became one. It was like Spock's mind was his own. As Spock went in him searching for the memory Jim could go and open any memory of Spock he wanted.

It seemed like an intrusion but then again it felt like it's only natural. Their mind was one. It wasn't even intentional.

The question was on Jim's mind anyway.

Was this truly Spock's first Pohn Faar? They should have it early on in their lives.

The memory opened and there he was, young spiteful Spock. Jim smiled. Of course he was, how else would his Spock be but spiteful? Whatever he displays and whenever he argues logic there's always such spite and competitiveness behind everything he does. Jim loved that about him. They were similar like that.

Young spiteful Spock stared at his father as he tried to explain to him what is about to happen to his body.

"No," Spock said firmly.

"How do you mean no? That's illogical to deny the necessity of biology."

"My biology is half-human. We never take that into account. I know of biology. It is active within me but my blood doesn't burn. I think it never will."

"But that can't be right," his father sat in the chair and Spock was secretly satisfied to see him shocked. "Your biology is mostly Vulcan. Your blood is green. It should be thick enough to burn. If it doesn't…"

"Then I'm not Vulcan enough?" Spock's hands pressed into fists hidden under his long sleeves.

His whole life he was waiting to be rejected by his father, to be told loudly that he's not truly a Vulcan.

"Don't say that. You are a Vulcan. Even if it's delayed by your Human factor, it will activate when the time is right. Your bride will wait for you. Maybe it's best this way. You'll have a chance to be more controlled and logical when it activates. Until then, use your freedom wisely and learn a lot. That way, when you see your bride, she will see there's pride in being bound to you."

"Pride is an emotion, father," Spock wasn't pleased with his answer, the girl they presented to him was anything but someone he would ever want to touch again. The meeting of their minds was like an insult to his soul, to be forever in her company seemed like torture. He would rather be called a half-breed than to submit to that shameful slavery to the flesh.

"It's not an emotion, it's a state of mind. We can take pride in our ability to discern reality and not to slave to emotions."

"Except in Pohn Faar," Spock dared to say.

Father just looked at him and then sighed rubbing his forehead revealing inner turmoil.

"We too are beings trapped in a body. The body has its needs. It's not wise to ignore them completely. Pohn Faar is the price of our logic. It's not something to be ashamed of."

With that, he exited leaving Spock alone.

Spock was almost always alone not getting alone with his peers. As he watched in the closed door, he thought about his problem.

The fire was there. It started a few months ago but since he had no idea what it was he thought it was one of his human emotions, the ones he should hide at all costs so he did what he would do with any human emotion that would arise in him. He put it in his inner volcano he made for purging his emotions daily. It was below the lid safely suppressed.

Now that he knew it was a Vulcan emotion, he could lessen his control and let it out. He could let his blood burn and prove to his father that his blood is thick enough but he didn't want to.

The price of that would be that T'Pring would move in with them and that he would have to take her with him wherever he goes.

He disliked that idea very much because he had an escape plan in mind for years now. He studied human culture and customs. He found where he could be useful, where he could be moving without ever being obligated to stop.

He wanted to escape Vulcan and the constant doubtful examination of the authenticity of his Vulcan nature.

Out there, among Humans, his Vulcan heritage will be the thing that is seen, the thing that is respected. He won't be doubted when he says something logical, his smarts won't be cross-examined and dismissed.

With that, he concentrated on his inner volcano tightening the lid on it. He will never let it get lose. Pohn Faar is the one of Vulcan rituals he won't ever undergo. They all might fall down to savagery but he will never be submitted to become a mindless animal.

The connection broke and Jim emerged to see present Spock worried and doubtful. There were even more questions now. What made the lid buckle? Did the connection with T'Pring activate it? Did Jim just stumble where he wasn't wanted at all?

Spock talked and his conclusion wasn't what Jim wanted at all. To see Spock immovable and unresponsive was to suffer but if that was the price that was the price.

Jim needed them functioning. He has seen Spock fluctuating between cold unyielding logic and more humorous logical self. He could deal with any version of him and he didn't lie. Spock was loveable in any of his forms.

If it gets him to withstand Jim's proximity, it's a worth gamble.

More so, if it gets him to win against Vulcans he must do it at all costs. It's not something Jim would ever take away from him.

"Don't you know I would die for you?" Jim said firmly but his emotions were too strong to bear so he went to leave.

It was best to leave before he says something foolish and reveals just how deep and personal he dug into Spock's mind.

The hug came as a shock. Unexpected gift of contact paralyzed him for a while. He just stood there embraced feeling like he might cry. Why was it so hard to get something as simple as a hug? Why the price had to be solitude?

Still, Spock did offer companionship in any other form. Jim was grateful for that and it was true that he would accept any cost if it keeps them in each other's proximity.

Talking was the way they exchanged emotions so they talked and Jim leaned in on his firm chest feeling safe there. It was like he can rest for a moment, free from the constant pressure of deciding, of running before death, of seeing people run too slowly.

"Why can't I choose you?" Jim had to ask even if he knew all the reasons.

Choosing Spock was the thing he always did over and over again leaving everyone else behind but always making sure Spock stays with him. There was warmth between them, trust which wasn't caused just by fleeting emotions. Jim was sure of that. He was sure that their bond would survive even if all emotions in Spock die but he couldn't believe, not for real, that Spock could really kill his human half.

Still, Spock had to try. Jim knew better than anyone else how we desire things that are forbidden and how spite makes you want something even more. If Kolinar was on Spock's path, Jim will walk that path with him. When it ends, they will deal with it together dancing on like they usually did.

Dancing was the only way Jim could explain this relationship they had. He was constantly dancing around Spock trying to step on the right tiles avoiding anger, showing respect, asking questions and offering banter. It was only suitable to sway them and dance for real.

Whatever Spock said, his arms had a mind of their own and the grip he had on Jim didn't lessen whatever his lips said. Swaying made it less obvious that Spock was the one not letting go.

It was nice to dance with Spock. Maybe, if he's lucky, they will do it more in the future.

For now, Jim leaned his head against Spock's shoulder enjoying not being the Captain for once as Spock took the lead over their movements. Eventually, that earned Jim a kiss. A small kiss on the cheek but it was a voluntary contact Spock gave without any coercion of his biology. To Jim, that meant more than any amount of words.

Spock did want him near. He was pleased how things turned out and wasn't distressed that Jim was his mate for life. That was enough for now.

Eventually, Jim's communicator chimed. He was needed. Of course he was.

As he answered the call, the music stopped and Spock's arms released his grip. It was a loss but as Spock's arms retreated his hands slid over Jim's waist causing a pleasant sensation of warmth.

Jim looked at Spock with a mischievous smile and pranced off to solve a problem feeling light on his feet. Problems were a constant of his life. He solved them one by one knowing that the next one was around the corner.

He did plot their course to pass by New Vulcan at the soonest possible moment. That will create new problems he will have to solve but till then it seemed that the current problem of tension with Spock has resolved itself.

They were back to their synchronised-self talking even when they weren't speaking loudly. It was only natural to make contact, offer a hand, pull, push and lean against. All of that filled Jim's sense of belonging more than any rolling around in sheets with someone else would ever do.

Luckily, in Jim's dreams there was a lesser need to be restrained. In them, they rolled around crumpling sheets of all colours. Strangely, for him, that was enough to feel satisfied.

Spock was anything but satisfied. Things went back to normal. They acted like they did before. Contact was effortless. Communication was without misunderstandings. They operated as one they were, Jim and Spock.

It seemed like to the rest of the crew nothing changed. They accepted them talking as they are guessing the other ones' thoughts. It was normal for them to be in each other's company most of the time. It was accepted that they were in contact.

Nothing seemed strange yet Spock felt off. He felt off.

It was such a human thing to feel. So illogical that it drove him crazy. It was like his lid let out more and more chaotic emotions into his mind that struggled to stay detached and logical.

Spock found himself longing for the cold and detached moments when he could almost reach the Vulcan ideal of being completely logical and expunge all emotions that would distract you.

Kolinar couldn't come soon enough.

Jim did what he promised. He calculated New Vulcan to their trajectory but as the nature of their patrol was unpredictable crisis arose pressing themselves in between them and New Vulcan. Jim would always inform him how much of a delay it will be asking should he refuse the mission.

"Captain," Spock would say reasonably. "It's not like I'm in a life-threatening state. That has past. I can wait a bit longer."

Still, in his mind it felt that he can't wait at all and he was in Jim's worried eyes that he understood a part of Spock's inner conflict.

Trying to keep his conflict in check, Spock continued with his tasks with more concentration and care. Although it could be argued he was always dedicated to his tasks.

Only now, he was distracted by Jim's many deep emotions. As their minds aligned, it was easier and easier to sense Jim's mind even when they weren't in a direct contact.

Jim was a man of deep emotions and Spock found himself baffled by many of them.

He thought of his emotions as burdening and strong. Before, he thought of them as a burden that is hard to carry. Now, he thought how tame his emotions were.

Jim was constantly running between rage and impatience, between joy and sadness. It was an unending cycle of exchanging emotions that had no end.

The fact that Jim could think so clearly and logically was an amazing accomplishment of his will. The strange thing was that Spock wasn't disturbed by his cyclic emotions. It was only natural for a Human to be like that. There was no reason for him to suppress his emotions and fight them.

For Spock, it was another story. His Vulcan half made all his emotions run as deep as the savagery of their ancestors was. He needed to be careful for all their sakes. His strength needed to be governed as the danger it was.

On the other hand, unconscious thoughts were things Spock never encountered before.

He barely slept. He preferred deep restful meditation over sleeping whenever he could. Sadly, Jim slept regularly.

That wasn't a problem before but lately his dreams were… they influenced Spock even if he was awake. It was like Jim was there beside him but without any reasonable restraint. There was no way of telling him off and arguing. He was just there as an invisible hug around Spock.

It was most distracting but manageable.

Soon, things took an uncomfortable turn and Spock decided it was wise to schedule his resting hours to align with Jim's. He too needed rest and it was best to be in the privacy of his cabin if Jim's dreaming mind takes an unexpected turn.

It wasn't bothersome. Those were only dreams Spock now had access to because of their bond. Still, as time went on, those dreams influenced Spock in an unexpected way. He became curious. He was a scientist. It was only natural to satisfy his curiosity.

These emotions were something he most likely won't be subjected to after the Kolinar. Then, the opportunity to examine oneself would be lost.

Yes, it was only natural that he was curious about the nature of these sensations. When he sees what this is all about, he will be ready to purge all emotions and clear his mind from all these distractions.

Like just now, Jim entered the bridge all rested and happy. He smiled at Spock clasping his hands behind his back before going to his chair. His smile, his posture, the way his eyes lingered on Spock were silent challenges that told Spock he wasn't able to go over and claim Jim as his own.

Worse yet, Jim didn't even expect of Spock to charge, to initiate, to demand. He expected of Spock to go through Kolinar and retreat into inaccessible coldness that will forever stand between them as an un-crossable wall.

Spock got up from his chair and went over to stand beside Jim with his hands clasped behind his back stiff, upright and unyielding. They talked about their mission but in Spock's mind it was like small hooks inside of him unfastened digging themselves deep to Jim's flesh and drawing him near. Jim was his to have and dispose of. They were one. Jim had the need for intimacy. It was Spock's duty to provide him with that.

Still, even if it was his duty, it wasn't easy to find a way to implement his intentions towards Jim. It seemed like they were constantly interrupted in this way or another. It was baffling. Spock had to think about it some more, before he decides what was the right course of action in this situation. Human interactions were subtle and Spock often times provoked the opposite reaction of the one he intended to bring about.