Spock was strange but Jim attributed that to their new dynamic as a couple and didn't paid much attention to it. There was a ship to govern and that was a never ending task.
In his task to maintain the ship, Spock was always there to lend a hand. He was there to offer a solution and to explain trappings of a problem. He was there as he always was but now there was something different in his posture.
It took a while for preoccupied Jim to pin point what was strange but when he did it didn't gave him any insight in the problem. It was like Spock was constantly on the verge of asking a question but never voicing it out. It wasn't like Spock to hesitate so much but since Jim had no way of knowing what the question was all about he had no idea how to encourage him to just ask.
"I would ask if the setting was right," Spock answered his unspoken question and they continued to negotiate a treaty with Klingons.
Spock was right as always, they couldn't discuss things properly when they were on the mission but it seemed they were constantly in this trouble or that one.
No matter how many distractions and side quests Jim managed to provide New Vulcan was closer and closer. Soon, a day will come when Spock will exit Enterprise to return different.
It was unnerving to look at that precipice. Still, Jim was a man who didn't shy away from danger. Challenges were his way of life. The fact that he was more eager to take on tasks that would postpone Kolinar was of a selfish nature. He wanted to prolong this state in between where it seemed that Spock will reach out at any moment and touch him in a way that isn't just helpful or life-saving.
All too soon, tasks ran out and New Vulcan became their next stop by decree. They had to go over and transport some diplomats to New Vulcan. That will give them enough time docked in over Vulcan for Spock to do his obligations there.
"Why don't we give the crew a shore leave," Spock said surprising Jim who was sadly looking at the last planet before they reach New Vulcan.
"A shore leave?" Jim was stupefied. "We're in the middle of the mission."
"Diplomats aren't in a hurry. The crew is tired. It will be good for morale and we'll give the diplomats some time to feel important enough to be waited on."
"That isn't such a bad idea," Jim smiled. "What will you do? Stay on board as usual?"
"No, I was thinking of visiting Lakes of Tomorrow. They say they have a true oracle window there, where you can peek into the future. Not like the one that can snatch you into it, just a mirror to watch in."
"That sounds… lovely," Jim said carefully not sure where he aims with this.
"More than lovely, it's quite a view from the plate. I'm sure you would appreciate both views."
"I'm invited? That's nice. We should tell Bones, he could use some foresight."
"I doubt the Doctor will want to tag along. It' quite a long climb and it's very steep."
"So, just you and I?" Jim checked and got an affirmative rise of an eyebrow as an invitation.
Jim didn't need more.
"Shore leave it is," he jumped with agility from his chair. "I'll pack my gear. Maybe there will be some chance for free style climbing. The gravity is low down there I could use a bit of exercise."
The climb was as steep as promised and Jim managed to scale some rocks cutting shortcuts between steps. Spock didn't seem to mind walking slowly up the stairs warning Jim to be careful from time to time. Jim noticed how he waits below him until Jim reaches the stairs again. It was nice of him to care but there was no real danger. Jim was a skilled climber. He wouldn't do this if he wasn't sure he can pull it off.
"You are right, Bones would absolutely hate this," Jim smiled as they reached the top. "The view is breath-taking but the fall is deep."
He looked down the steep cliff where no one moved. There was no one on the top either.
"I would expect for an important monument like this one to be swarming with tourists. When did people get so idle to fear a flight of stairs."
"It was fifty stores of stairs," Spock said flatly approaching the oracle. "I would guess that it isn't the season to climb it. For locals, it's too hot. For tourists, there's no gain since the oracle works only when their moons are in the sky."
Jim looked around seeing no moons on the sky, only the setting sun on the horizon.
"I guess you estimated it wrong since there is no moons in sight. I guess we came here in vain."
"You once said that you climb rocks because they are there," Spock said looking at the unmoving mirror oracle. "If that is so, your purpose of climbing was not in vain."
"True, but you wanted to see the oracle. I'm sad to see it dead in the water."
"It isn't dead, it just isn't operational but I haven't come here to see the oracle."
"Then why, for the view? View is lovely."
"No, I came here to ask a question in the right setting. This seemed like a suitable setting with sufficient privacy."
That made Jim laugh out loud looking around.
"We can be seen from all sides, little dots on top of a rock but you are right we probably won't be interrupted here by any crewmembers asking questions, seeking help. So, tell me, Spock, what did you want to ask that is so important that we had to be on top of a rock to ask it?"
"Why don't we look at the sunset? It will be over soon and they say it's a sight to remember," Spock turned to the horizon instead of asking so Jim complied.
"It is a beautiful sight. The purples and oranges swirl like a milk inside of coffee. I never seen anything quite as beautiful," Jim took in the view breathing in deeply.
It was like Spock to think of his wellbeing. Relaxing is the thing he always forgets, to just stand idly without any plan and take in his environment. As he stood, he felt Spock's arm sliding around his waist and pulling him near. It felt like something they should be able to do so Jim let himself being pulled near leaning against Spock's sturdy side.
They watched in silence as the sun slid down behind the horizon. As it disappeared, darkness descended upon them and only then Jim thought of their return.
"How will we find our way in the darkness?" Jim got alarmed. "I haven't packed a light, did you?"
"Jim," Spock said hoarsely and made Jim look at his dark eyes. "I have a light but there's no real rush of descending down, is there?"
"No, there's no rush. We made a schedule that gives us time till morning."
"I brought a lamp, we can make a safe descend if we stick to the stairs. I also brought camping equipment if we choose to stay. There's a small shelter back there for that purpose, if anyone miscalculates and gets caught by the night."
"You didn't miscalculate, did you? You never miscalculate," Jim turned towards him trying to make out his face in the darkness.
"I would say I calculated it precisely. There will be no one here till morning and we're not needed by anyone till then."
"So, you want us to spend a night together," Jim carefully placed his palm on Spock's chest. "Are you sure about that? Of course, you probably just thought we can have a sleep over here, it is a memorable place."
"I don't sleep all that much," Spock said not moving, not betraying his inner thoughts, everything was still and Jim had no access to Spock's mind, he didn't even notice when he withdrew from him. "If it's alright with you, we could do something else besides sleeping."
"Oh," Jim stepped a bit closer. "To scale the rock in the darkness seems like something dangerous Bones would scold us for. I guess there's no option but to camp out here. Where is the shelter?"
"Over here," Spock took him by the hand and led them towards the ledge.
There was a shelter in which one could be safe from the wind and the cold but there was nothing there but stone benches. In silence, Spock moved as Jim observed. Jim stood very still not wanting to ruin the moment waiting for a signal he needs to step in and help.
The signal didn't came. Spock moved without rush not looking at Jim. He moved stone benches putting them together before covering them with a soft blanket. There were no windows on the shelter and no power either. The light came from Spock's torch.
Jim noticed how Spock casually pressed the bench against the door cutting off the only entrance. He was amused of how methodical Spock was as in anything he would do.
The telling sign was when he took out four small candles and lit them. It was too adorable.
"I guess you did some researching when preparing?" Jim couldn't but speak up. When Spock was done the bare stone shelter looked cosy and comfortable. "I wondered why you took such a big backpack."
"It's a bare minimum," Spock looked around with a critical eye. "But I estimated it's better to have an amount of undisturbed time than a comfortable setting."
"I would say that the top of the highest rock in the universe is a bit overdo in privacy but we've been interrupted enough times in mid-sentence that I understand the necessity. You seem to have everything thought out. What is our next order of business?" Jim clasped his hands behind his back trying to supress his smile in a neutral positon, the one which wouldn't betray how smitten he was by Spock's gesture.
"Now I ask my question," Spock stepped a step closer finally looking Jim in the eye.
"All of this to ask a question," Jim lifted his eyebrows unable to supress his delighted smile. "It must be a hell of a question."
"It's a simple question," Spock lifted his hand standing a step away from him. "Will you touch my hand?"
"Touch your hand," Jim was confused but lifted his hand without hesitation mimicking the gesture of extending two fingers, he never saw Spock do such a sign. "I'm always ready for contact, you know that."
"This isn't just a contact," Spock said holding his hand an inch away from Jim's. "It's how Vulcans kiss. When our fingertips touch, our mind connect intimately sharing the sensation."
"A Vulcan kiss," Jim whispered and slowly pressed tips of his fingers to Spock's. "I must admit, the sensation is pleasant."
"It's a part of a bonding ritual," Spock slid his fingertips down Jim's fingers and he found himself relaxing as his breath became deeper. "Something one can share with their partner."
Spock's fingers returned to their initial position. Following instinct, Jim mimicked Spock's movements feeling warmth rising. It was intimacy that was building up between them.
"I wanted to ask you," Spock said quietly when their fingers rested pressed in together, it was a light touch but it was like they are connected completely. "Now that we are bonded, in a sense we are partners. Now, I am responsible for your wellbeing. Intimacy is a part of life that is required to be balanced in life. We should determine how much intimacy is required for us to function. You shared without limitations when I was in grave need. I would be ashamed if I shared less when you are in need."
"No, Spock," Jim broke the contact from the shock. "You misunderstood me. I won't pressure you in any way. It's not something I can demand for my own gain."
"No, Jim," Spock grabbed Jim's upper arm stopping his retreat drawing him nearer. "You don't understand. It's not something you demand of me. It's something I feel whenever you feel it. The need for you to be in balance is a need for me to function to the best of my abilities."
"That sounds anything but romantic," Jim frowned a bit offended. "What are you saying? That my mere thoughts are so distracting that you want to put them out?"
"Jim," Spock said heavily for a moment lost for words.
They stared at each other. Jim waited, he wasn't going to jump before the hurdle and say it instead of Spock. He'll find words or he won't. Jim will be able to deal with either way but he won't feel like Spock is compromising himself just to indulge Jim's needy nature.
Instead of talking, Spock squeezed his biceps a bit harder before letting go to find Jim's hand. This time, he grabbed it firmly. Jim held his hand steadily waiting as Spock stared at their joined hands.
"It's not just a kiss that Vulcan's do with hands. It's a hug, contact, trust, to give someone your open palm. Our hands are highly sensitive. That's why we don't shake hands. We don't let just anyone touch our hands. It's something reserved for family members and intimate partners. I got accustomed that humans would occasionally grab my hand suddenly. I learned not to flinch away and to block out the sensation. Yet, with you, it seems that my hands constantly got touched."
"I wouldn't if I knew…" Jim started but Spock cut him off looking in his eyes firmly.
"You wouldn't if I told you so I didn't. I never minded making contact with you in any capacity. It was so seamless and natural that at first I considered it a sign that my humanity is shaping me to be different."
Jim stood very still as Spock's thumb started to caress the back of his hand.
"I guess my stubbornness, my human stubbornness prevented me from admitting that I found comfort and reassurance in the contact, that I welcomed it."
"Now I have to admit that I initiated contact often because it was soothing. Your closeness always brought a sense of security to me," Jim lifted his other hand and caressed the back of Spock's hand. It felt like he's allowed to do that.
"It's not that I feel pressured to fulfil your needs," Spock said looking at their joined hands. "It's that I feel inclined to do so. It's only understandable that I feel deprived since Pohn Faar took my memories away. All that is left are your memories. I fear that after Kolinar I won't feel this curiosity, that the moment will be lost."
"Come on," Jim stepped a step closer placing his palm against Spock's cheek. "I doubt in Kolinar. No one can take your humanity away. Besides, even with diminished emotions, skin still feels the sensation. It's not like you're dead. As long as we are alive, we can sense each other."
"That is the main promise of Kolinar, that my humanity will be stripped from me, that I'll lose my flaws and become more efficient," Spock's hand slid over Jim's waist drawing him nearer.
"Flaws? Which flaws?" Jim smirked. "I see no flaws on you. All I see is perfection."
With that, Spock closed in for a kiss. After that, there was no need for words. This time around Spock didn't need to be navigated. Their minds became one and Spock could sense every small thought Jim had. It didn't take long for Jim to let go of control and just take in the pleasure, the desire and love, above all love. With Spock fully present, not submerged in his ancient drives, there was no doubt that the love Jim felt for Spock was mirrored back at him.
Soon, he had no idea whose love it was. It was all-encompassing. There was no way of arguing against it so Jim submitted completely.
Spock was dissatisfied. Despite his best effort he couldn't find a way to properly formulate his request before Jim. It seemed like something highly inappropriate to voice out.
In the lack of better option, he thought about how his relationship with Uhura started but that didn't help much. She did all the necessary moves and said what was needed to be said. It was obvious that Jim will do no such thing.
Jim has logically thought about it and decided it was best to let Spock continue on his path towards logic and detachment. It was logical for their best functioning as a team to preserve the formula that was proven with time as efficient.
Still, Spock knew that logic can't predict changes and factor in unexpected.
It was unexpected of them to bond and become mates but it happened through a series of circumstances Spock could never be able to predict.
If he was, he would probably implement measures to ensure it never happens but now he was in doubt would that be the best possible course of action.
His older self obviously didn't think so. Upon reviewing the data Spock had to agree with Jim's conclusion that his older self's actions were aimed at preserving the bond Spock had with Jim and preventing different female partners from interfering and postponing their connection.
The connection was important enough to his older self to interfere where he would be advised to stay away. When he met his older self, he couldn't even think of that as an option. That he would be enough emotionally compromised to base his decisions upon his own personal gain and comfort rather than the stakes of the universe.
Now, years in the connection with Jim, he could consider that option. More so, he could understand how crucial this connection might seem over time. Especially if it continues to evolve in a way it did so far.
Still, Spock was young enough, it was early enough for him to be less invested than his older self who had decades of Jim's absence to idolize certain aspects of his mate. He could still reconsider is it wise to continue down this path of deeper and deeper involvement that put a strain on Spock's inner emotional control.
Kolinar offered him an option of completely detaching himself and gaining a clear insight that would tell him how much can he invest in Jim before he too gets compromised enough to care more about Jim's safety than the safety of others.
It was an option but how is he to choose if he doesn't experience the opposite option? To decide with sufficient data he would have to experience the emotional process of bonding, the physical sensation that follows it to have a weight to put on the scale against the value of Kolinar.
Never before did he think like that. Like Kolinar is something he should wage to see is it worth his while. It was always an axiom, something to strive to, an ultimate goal he will reach one day. Now it was an option. He could climb that mountain but he has a choice to go down that other path of letting his emotions out of the volcano where he can actually feel them.
Sybok, his half-brother, was the one who went down that path of exploring emotions even if he was fully Vulcan. Spock sometimes felt guilty for that since he was the one who was so unable to control his emotions that Sybok's fascination with them grew until it became an obsession.
His fiery obsession that earned him an exile from Vulcan was a thing that made Spock finally get a grip of his raging emotions putting them all under the lid not to disturb others again.
Now, that he was an adult with sufficient experience, he might be able to sustain his emotions without going down Sybok's obsessive path of chasing ghost stories of eternal happiness.
He was sure he could but it was still a hard topic to discuss openly and even harder thing to ask so he observed Jim waiting for the right opportunity and enough of privacy. Neither came his way and New Vulcan came to their itinerary. Neither of them managed to get an excuse to avoid a direct order so they went to pick up their diplomats.
It felt like a defeat and Spock hated defeats. He hated the humiliation of them. That's why he opened the map of the world below them searching for an idea, something.
A gigantic rock came to view as one of their most praised attractions. The more Spock looked at it the more convenient it seemed. Doctor McCoy will be dissuaded by the height. No one else will be encouraged to go and the monument was most likely empty in this time of the year when everyone were focused on the upcoming harvest.
It was an opportunity Spock couldn't miss.
Jim was quick to accept Spock's suggestion and soon they were climbing the rock. Spock fell behind watching over Jim's reckless moves trying to be in the right position to catch him if he falters.
Everything went as it should and soon they were at the top. As the darkness became thick, Spock offered Jim a choice between going down, and staying as they are, or staying up, and seeing what this between them can look like.
Spock set up the room as his research instructed him but it was still hard to ask, even harder to explain. Jim withdrew offended by the suggestion he would impose himself in any way. That was only understandable so Spock made an effort to explain himself.
As they talked, their hands touched, their eyes met and Spock's mind and body came into alignment agreeing that this is the thing they want to experience. Jim's proximity seemed like a crucial factor in him experiencing emotions, at him accepting both his human frailty and Vulcan savagery.
Jim mentioned the lack of romance indicating that it is a thing he was expecting of Spock, to display and emotional investment. Emotional investment was followed by physical contact so Spock retreated to abandoning Vulcan way of touching to implement the one they were accustomed to.
Holding Jim's hand was always deeply comforting so Spock talked about that, of how he felt about his hands and soon things got back on course. Jim was closer and closer openly sharing his mind with Spock.
Spock's hands knew the way of dragging Jim nearer. He tried to explain what Kolinar will do to him but Jim dismissed as always confident that he would argue and win against any cold logic he would encounter.
For a moment, Spock indulged in that thought and he liked the prospects of it, that Jim could break even the discipline of Kolinar implanted in Spock's mind.
"Which flaws?" Jim said passionately. "All I see is perfection."
That tipped the scale and Spock stopped being the observer deciding logically and thoughtfully. His mind was now submerged in the emotion of the moment, the sensation of closeness, in unity that were their souls.
There was no need to tell Spock what he should do and when. It was all there plain as day. All Spock had to do was to follow the lines of desire and avoid cresses of pain. It was a dance as Jim would say in which Spock didn't think much. He reacted and acted.
A part of his mind knew it would be called submitting to the animalistic nature of intercourse but it was so much more. It was like they were invoking deeply seeded mechanisms of survival. The ones that would give them an equal amount of pleasure to counteract the pain that is served to them by life.
Spock was amazed by the amount of pain their lives must have accumulated since the pleasure they managed to produce in the interaction of their bodies and minds was vast.
It felt like a wave that should be quick to descend and break on the shore but it wasn't.
"I can take it," Jim would say whenever Spock would pause hesitating trying to control the onslaught of desire.
"That's fine," he would reassure Spock when he would try to lessen his grip on Jim's shoulders.
"More," was all he said when Spock considered about the longevity and should he stop?
In the end, the wave broke when Jim opened his eyes, looked at Spock and smiled. His smile made Spock pause. It was a smile for which Spock would agree to go back and do it all over again just to witness it once more.
"I would say, Mr Spock," Jim touched his face. "That this is that simple feeling they call love. I quite like it. Don't you?"
It was like a deep stream rose from the deep and burst out Spock's lid. It was a terrifying moment but also an uncontrollable moment of desire to pour it all on Jim, to share it all with him. The stream surged forward and soon an orgasm came making their bodies spasm.
It was painful but in the pain there was beauty.
"Whatever that was, Spock," Jim said when everything went still. "I want more of it. Can we do this more often, not just every seven years?"
Spock stared at him shocked by himself, by emotions, by the chaos that remained after the storm. It was like his lid was broken and there was no way of repairing it. How will he live without it? Will he now become a violent beast like his Vulcan ancestors were?
"I mean, no pressure," Jim pulled a blanket over Spock forcing him to lie down. "It's a worth the wait. Even every seven years would be worth it."
"Jim," Spock felt like crying.
"Yes, Spock?" Jim was alarmed by his voice ready to jump up and fight whoever he has to. "Tell me, what you need?"
"Can we just lie in silence because I do not know how to answer your question right now?"
"Of course, Spock," Jim lied down placing his head against Spock's chest rather than just lying next to him. "Whatever you need."
They lied in the warm silence and Jim hugged him tightly. Soon, the need for crying passed supressed by his proven methods. When the urge to cry passed, it seemed like he overreacted. He was still himself. He was able to think rationally and make decisions. He was ready to move and resume with their duties.
He tried but as he moved he discovered that while he sorted his inner emotions Jim had fallen asleep. His sleep was sound and Spock could move without disturbing him. He could sit up and make a proper meditation. Then he could pack his backpack, check upon communication from Enterprise and be ready to move as soon as the Captain wakes up.
Spock could move but he found himself unwilling to.
There was something tender within him as Jim slept. Tender enough for him to reach out and do something his mother did to him from time to time. He caressed Jim's hair discovering the sensation to be quite pleasurable.
There was no function in this position. There was no reason for him to stay like this for a longer period of time but maybe he provided Captain with much needed relaxation offering warmth and security.
That thought was enough for Spock to lie still and sort his inner sensations in order as he waited for Jim to wake up.
When Jim woke up, he sat up disoriented.
"Oh, we're naked," he said seeming happy. "Good, I wasn't dreaming it."
"No, but you slept for quite a long time. We must hurry and get back to the ship," Spock tried to move but Jim stopped him.
"No, we have to do one more thing before we go," Jim said with an urgency that alarmed Spock bringing him to full alertness.
"What is that, Captain?"
"We must kiss. It's imperative that we kiss some more."
"Imperative, Captain?" Spock was baffled. "Didn't we do that enough already?"
"It's customary to end things with a kiss, Spock," Jim explained seriously. "That way the both parties are reassured they weren't just used to satisfy one's curiosity."
"If you say so, Captain, then we'll comply with the custom," Spock nodded and Jim smiled.
The smile said that it might be a joke Captain just made but nevertheless Jim leaned in and kissed Spock firmly. Spock engaged in a kiss but it was a different kind of a kiss than before. There was no demand before Spock to do something else. The kiss was the thing that was required so it was the focal point between them.
It was a pleasant sensation.
Spock was offered and given kisses before but this one was a playful thing where it seemed Jim was playing a game of chess against him trying to win once more. Sensing the challenge, Spock responded accordingly.
"It is customary, Spock," Jim said as he broke the kiss before kissing him shortly once more. "But I fear we might abandon all our duties if we kiss some more. It's time to move out or we'll be trapped here forever."
"Not forever but agreed, we need to return to the ship."
They packed their gear and Spock rearranged everything to look as it did before they entered. As they exited the shelter, the bright daylight greeted them.
"Look, Spock it's the Moon. The oracle should work now."
They approached the oracle and it did work. There was a picture in it but it held no meaning. On it, there was a neckless on the ground. It was broken.
"I guess this will mean something to the next pilgrim. I think I'm too tired to walk down. This place is as good as any to be beam aboard," Jim opened his communicator and Spock realized they will be back on the ship in a few short moments.
It felt too sudden. There will be no walk in which he could re-establish all his thought patterns. That made Spock grab Jim's hand stopping him from calling Mr Scott.
"What, Spock, you want something more? The view is lovely we can stare at it some more."
A person came around the corner and they weren't alone anymore. They moved from the oracle to give the newcomers the privacy.
"There's nothing more I want but a question was asked and I didn't answer it."
"That's ok, some questions need time to get their answers."
Spock nodded agreeing.
"Still, it feels somehow incomplete. Like there's something more to the customs that we forgot. Something to make the return to the daily routine easier."
Jim thought about it.
"How about that we say our vows here?" he said eventually. "I mean, if I understand correctly, by Vulcan standards we are married in a sense now. I know that doesn't mean proximity or fidelity in Vulcan sense but I'm willing to offer both since in Human version of marriage both are required. That and I am inclined to give to you as it is. What do you say? Is it something you want?"
"Proximity and fidelity," Spock frowned. "My father gave none to his Vulcan mate, they gave each other freedom from their company. He gave both to my mother to which he wasn't bound by the fever of the blood but the connection of love. Since I'm connected to you by both bonds I think that proximity and fidelity are both preferable to maintain as much as it is logically possible."
"As much as it's possible, I like that, it's not unreasonable. Should we kiss now to seal the deal?" Jim smiled.
"There are people here, Captain, I would find it a bit uncomfortable but we can Vulcan kiss," he lifted his hand.
Jim accepted the gesture pressing his fingers against Spock's. Jim nodded and took out his communicator to give Mr Scott their coordinates. Their fingers touched as they waited. Only when the transmission started they broke the contact.
The return to the ship was instant and they started walking and commanding as soon as they exited to the corridor. Still, it felt complete, like they did everything right honouring different customs.
For the question about repeating the ritual of mating, Spock gave it some thought. In his emotional state, he was ready to offer Jim intimacy whenever he wanted it but he wasn't sure will he feel that way after the Kolinar. Will he feel the inclination towards physicality or will it lose its flavour? More importantly, will it feel so pleasurable in his detached state of mind?
Those thoughts preoccupied Spock as they travelled.
It seemed that Kolinar will change things but he was unable to predict how. That's why, he postponed his answer to Jim. It would be unfair to promise something that could be proven impossible later on.
In the meantime, they seemed to continue like they did before doing their chores not demanding or offering any additional intimacy. Except for the hands. Jim was now more aware and attentive when the contact was made. That alone proved to be a sort of intimacy that allowed their minds to communicate effortlessly. Communication made Spock relax and finally focus on the upcoming Kolinar and the entrapping of it.
