She's pretty. Shinji thought again, seeing Asuka from behind in her sleeveless shirt and blue skirt. It wasn't the first time he caught himself admiring her when she wasn't looking. She was on the phone, responding to her mother.
Her hand folded on the small of her back flexed. It was arrayed, like a claw, grabbing at him. What if she held my hand during her call?
This time he followed that thought and looked down at his hand, imagining then what it would be like to be against her, holding hands…
Asuka got off her international call just then.
"W-wow, a long call!" Shinji said as his wrist dropped.
Asuka turned to him. "It's only routine, nothing special."
"A call from family though, I'm envious. M-my mom isn't around to talk to anymore."
Asuka looked at him this time with clear eyes, then turned completely to face him as she said, "Well…this is… only for show. she isn't my real mother."
"O-oh…" Shinji answered.
Asuka glanced at the phone. "It's not that I hate her, I just feel a little uncomfortable with her."
Suddenly realizing how open she just was, her defenses came back up. "Why the hell am I telling you any of this?"
"S-sorry I… I was just curious about your family. S-seems like both of us are-"
Asuka blew him off. "God, it really is rock bottom when I have sympathy from you!" She turned away.
"S-sorry…" was all Shinji could say as she crossed her arms in anger. It was a meek, inadequate thing, his apology.
Help her.
Shinji blinked, wondering where that thought came from. The last time he thought anything like this was when she stormed off, after being replaced by Rei during their synch training. Even then it wasn't as out of the blue as-
"What are you staring at?!" Asuka barked at him. Her hands were on her hips now, anger directed at him.
He blinked, surprised.
Help her.
"S…" his lips started to say but he knew she hated it when he said that. Instead, he swallowed. "I-i was just… thinking."
"And you happened to be 'thinking' in my direction?" She replied, leaning up in anger.
She's wounded and she needs your help.
Shinji blinked again, confused where these sentiments were coming from. But each thought was making him see Asuka a little differently- changing his understanding of her abrasiveness. For the first time that he's known her, he considered whether her hostility was because she was hurt. Like a wounded wild animal lashing out. Hurt how?
It was making him both uncomfortable and sympathetic. He didn't know how to handle emotional distress- especially his own. But with each of these sweeps suddenly he was seeing her in a new light. And he felt compelled to help her.
"Y-yeah…" Shinji replied, "and uh…"
"And?" The redhead demanded, her patience wearing thin.
The small of her back. Her fingers. Being close to her.
"Y-you just look nice….today…" he admitted aloud.
The silence in the room was practically tangible. Shinji had been staring at her legs but when he glanced up, her face was red with an expression Shinji couldn't read clearly. Anger? Embarrassment?
"As if you're fit to judge!" Asuka barked, then she stormed down the hall to her room.
"Asuka!" Shinji called, but all he could see was her retreating back before she slammed the door. It opened again for her to throw the phone on the ground, then shut again.
Misato grunted from behind her Beer. "Sheesh, take a compliment will you?"
Shinji's feet patted down the hall to where the phone lay on the ground. He reached down to pick it up, then stared at Asuka's door.
These doors have no locks. She's on the other side in earshot. You can say something.
He stepped up to the door and hesitated. What did this new impulse in him want him to say?
Speak your mind.
"I wish more of our conversations could be like that." He said, "I'm not your enemy, Asuka. I just wish I knew the right way to say things so you wouldn't be so angry with me."
Nothing. No voice, no response from Asuka. Sighing he headed back down the hall to return the phone, disappointed he probably wouldn't get to see her in that outfit again anytime soon.
Not unless you were closer to her.
He was blushing as he returned the phone. Though Misato dropped some sarcastic quip, Shinji only barely acknowledged it before he walked to his room to do his Homework.
The bath. Peaceful time for contemplation.
Her back. Her hips. Her curtain of red hair. The skirt. Fingers.
Help her.
Shinji spoke to the ceiling. "Asuka's one of the strongest people I know. Why would I think she needs help?"
A wounded dog, barking and wailing as it is chained to a ditch, abandoned. Your teacher, coaxing the animal with a snack enticement. Patiently waiting. A gentle hand stretched out.
"It didn't bite."
Smooth hand against the red fur. Touching. The dog calms as Sensei pets.
Touching.
Shinji's hand came out of the water. He stared at it. "I don't think she wanted me to touch her. Though…" his hand rotated, "it would be nice to… touch her again."
The Walls of Jericho.
What did that mean anyway?
The bra she leaned into your face has a zipper on the front. For you to grab and open.
Shinji went red and let his face sink into the water while other parts of him reacted. "Why didn't I notice that until now?"
Because you're terrified to try.
Shinji sat in the water.
If there is no movement, nothing changes. And you remain on opposite shores. Alone.
Shinji stared at the ripples in the water, wondering what caused them. "I don't want to be hurt."
What do you have to lose if you try?
Shinji blew bubbles from his mouth into the bath water. "She'd never speak to me again."
That is certain if you remain on this path. If this is inevitable, you lose nothing by trying. But there is much to gain.
Shinji stared at the door.
This is your last chance.
He got out of the bath. Shinji stared at the still water. The murkiness and scattered chipping on the bottom reminded him of the tepid plug water, weeks ago, when he was trapped in the white void.
Clean it for her.
He pulled the plug. For the next few minutes he watched the water drain. "It won't be warm for her."
But it won't be filled with the oily discards of your skin.
Shinji left the bathroom. Misato called from her room as he passed, "Were you talking to yourself in there?"
"Yeah, I had to think." Shinji replied. Leaving it at that his feet padded for his room.
His fist stopped in the air halfway to where he usually knocked on her door. This was to signal the bath was free. He wondered if he should say anything more, but instead he said as he knocked on her door, "Bath is free."
She used to answer, but not this time. He turned to move away but decided to stop. He faced the door.
"Goodnight, Asuka."
Nothing. No voice, no response from Asuka.
He decided to leave it at that and retire for the night.
Shinji lay awake in his darkened bedroom, listening to his thoughts. The intrusive impulses of earlier, during Asuka's call, were silent.
He was thinking of her.
The very suggestion that her anger was a product of some kind of pain, rather than simple malice, had set his mind on fire as he lay there. It stood to reason there could be a place where she was free of that pain, and perhaps, nicer. He wondered what that looked like. He wanted to see her happy.
He already had a crush on her for her looks, and admired her strength and drive as a pilot. These feelings were now mixing with his own sense of helping the weak and downtrodden. He could help Asuka, if he could figure out how. And maybe she would like him better. Maybe like him enough to…
He rolled sideways on the bed as he considered her contradictions. She had threatened him on the last night of their sync training, yet she insisted on training with him. She went on a date with an older boy- being more of an adult- but didn't think anything of ditching it to come home to be with him. She had offered to kiss him, but only out of boredom, and was irritated when his breath tickled her. Signals both ways. It had been easier to stand his ground so as to not be a burden to her, too.
His fingers closed against the sheets into a fist. Well, even if it only meant an exit from this terminal amount of tension, Shinji wanted to help her. Of his own feelings he would continue to hope that, perhaps, someday she might notice his attempts to please her, small as they were until now.
He drifted off to sleep. He thought of when she dropped into the bed beside him that one time, and how he wished she did it on purpose.
As Shinji tossed in his bed in the dark, a sphere the size of a basketball floated over his head. The black and white striped Shadow hung quietly, then shivered.
I don't have much time left, Shinji. I'm going to help you as much as I can until the very end. Adam said this is what I should do.
Shinji's room was still and empty. The quiet air over the bed was void and cold. Shinji crunched inward a little in his sleep as he imagined embracing her.
Splint
Norsehound
Piloting is the core of her identity.
Shinji's eyes opened. He unfurled himself from the bed in the dark to process that thought. "I knew that."
You surpassed her. She's a proud woman.
Shinji stared, groggily putting this together. His eyes widened a little. Have I been hurting her?
Help her!
Lately Shinji had been making breakfast then setting them out for Asuka and himself. Misato, these days, opted to start the day with microwave curry packets Shinji would find later on the counter. Dinner last night was the chance for things to improve; they hadn't. By all rights He should have kept doing what he was doing.
This time he made their breakfasts and landed at the kitchen table to eat and wait. He would not be going to school today, instead he would be following his gut to help her.
Asuka emerged in her school uniform and was taken aback to see Shinji not in his. Confused, she stepped into the room. "Not in uniform? What's wrong Third, playing hookie?"
"Yeah." Shinji said dismissively, anger just behind his tone as he ate. Since he had decided to skip school today, he had worked himself up about how useless school was. It had been that way ever since he came to Tokyo-3. Even That notorious physics problem had been an exception rather than the norm. And with Toji gone and Kensuke pissed at him, there was no reason at all for him to be there.
Still confused, Asuka approached the kitchen table. "Think you're too good for school now too, huh, Shinji-sama?"
The school lectures are repetitive and nonsensical.
"I mean, what's the point?" Shinji asked as he looked at her, "all our teacher talks about is stuff from his personal life. I don't learn anything there, do you? So I'm not going to waste my time." He grabbed more of his breakfast, "I don't see why you do, either."
Asuka stopped to stare at him and at the the very valid point he just made. "Well. Then what are you going to do? How are you going to explain this to Misato?"
Borrow her strength. Attack a mutual enemy.
"Misato doesn't care." Shinji replied. "When's the last time she got on our case about grades or attendance?"
Asuka's look was one of angry confusion now. Her disgust of Shinji was still there, but she was finding his defiant attitude a little more in line with her own thinking this morning.
"What happened?" She asked.
"What do you mean?"
Asuka leaned forward, "Yesterday you were your meek stupid idiot self, now you have a backbone. What changed?"
"I don't know." Shinji replied as he stared at the table, "Maybe I'm just tired of it all, you know? Tired of seeing things come apart around us and being powerless to stop it."
Shinji didn't look up, but if he had he would have seen the bolt of astonishment across Asuka's face. He spoke her feelings back at her.
Shinji uttered, "Anyway, there's your breakfast. Eat up before it gets cold."
Asuka, still looking at him, took her seat and ate almost cautiously. She glanced at Shinji occasionally as if he might sprout a third eye.
They ate in silence across from one another. Shinji finished his meal first and stood up from the table to take his dishes to the sink. Asuka watched his back for a moment in consideration.
Once he was done washing up he wordlessly left the kitchen for the living room and turned on the TV. He idly flipped channels, until Asuka entered the room as well and landed her bag noisily on the table. Shinji glanced at her as she settled in the other fold chair and said, "I'm not going to school either."
The teacher's hand touches the dog's fur gently, the wounded stray wails, barking, but doesn't snap.
The two watch a game show. At its end, Asuka grunted, "These Japanese game shows are bizarre."
"They are." He agreed, "I don't get them either." Glancing at her, he asked, "What's the TV in Germany like?"
Asuka thought about it before saying, "The same. Stupid game shows, stupid news. Stupid soaps."
"Nothing you like?"
"No. It's just a waste of time."
"Yeah." Shinji replied, though he raised the remote to go looking for another channel.
Asuka thought for a moment then stood suddenly. "I'm going to change. I'm getting out of this ridiculous uniform."
Her shoes clapped down the hall to her bedroom. Shinji sighed and leaned back in the chair. He glanced at his hand, wondering what had sustained his temper.
You decided to drop the meek pretense and offer an honest take. She appreciates authenticity.
Shinji wondered how long he could keep this up. His anger was making things easier. "A common enemy…." He mused on an earlier thought, closing his fist.
"What did you say?" Asuka demanded as she came back into the room. Shinji did a double take- although she was in a light pink tank top with thin straps, she was also wearing the blue skirt from yesterday.
"U-uh…"
Be complete.
"I-i said… a common enemy." Shinji completed. "I was thinking aloud."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Her hands were on her hips.
Shinji, put into this position, didn't know what to say at first.
Define sympathies. What unites you?
"I was thinking of… our parents." Shinji replied.
You performed for your father too.
He went on, "What you said about your mom reminded me about mine. That… that day, when I met with my father over my mother's grave. That… that was for show, too. I don't really have any connection with him now, not anymore."
Asuka glanced away for a quick thought, before she turned back to him and decided to try again. "I know you don't talk to your dad, but you never said why."
"I didn't?"
"No."
Shinji looked into space. "He abandoned me with my sensei when I was four. After my mom died." His head declined a little, "I still don't know why. I've always hated him for it."
Asuka was staring at him. He looked back. "What?"
Asuka said nothing. She moved off to the kitchen then and came back with two glasses of water. She placed one by his side of the table and the other next to her as she sat down.
His eyes went to the glass, then her.
She's signaling. This is a reconciliation gesture.
Shinji was thirsty.
"...You don't need a mom and dad." Asuka said, "it's possible. I don't need mine." She lowered her head. "I live for myself, and myself only."
Shinji blinked at her determination behind her words. He considered them, and lowered his own head in sadness. "I just wish it didn't have to be this way."
Asuka said nothing. The two sat and watched the next Tv program, but it failed to catch their attention.
Take the initiative.
Shinji blinked, looking away from the TV screen and glancing at Asuka. She noticed. "What?"
An timid conversation starter question floated to mind, but he found riding a rail of brutal honesty felt better. Shinji shook his head. "This is boring."
Asuka stared at the screen. "Yeah."
Shinji wanted to talk.
Say so.
"Do you… want to talk?" Shinji asked her.
"Talk."
"Yeah." Shinji said, "I want to talk with you."
Asuka leaned back in her chair, "What, Are you waiting for my permission or something?"
"I don't want to talk if it's not something you want to do."
"Whatever. Fine." Asuka dismissed with a wave, "what do you want to talk about?"
Shinji tried to think of something.
Mama…
"No, not that." He muttered.
"What?" Asuka asked.
Shinji shook his head. "Sorry, just thinking." He grabbed the glass of water again and sipped. Then, "You said you don't need your mom and dad. What does that mean? Do… Do you hate your dad, too?"
Asuka drew the glass up to her face. "What's it to you?"
"I was just curious, sorry." Shinji said, "it sounded like I wasn't the only one who hated his father."
Asuka stared into space for a moment to consider answering. Finally, she said with a tinge of flippancy, "No. I don't hate him."
Shinji nodded once without looking at her. "I grew up with my Sensei, but we were never close. What's it like to have parents?"
"I dunno, like normal, I guess. Papa went to work and Mama was around to take care of the house, though she worked evenings after I got home from school."
Shinji stared, caught up on Asuka's use of 'normal'. "I didn't have anything like that. It was just… just my Sensei. In hindsight he trusted me with a lot… but… I had to learn early on to do a lot of things for myself."
"Oh? Is that why you can cook?"
"That's part of it." Shinji replied, "There was nobody else living in the house, so I ended up doing a lot of housework. Actually…" Shinji said, "Before Misato insisted that I live with her, I expected I was going to live on the base by myself. I was prepared to."
Asuka sipped her glass. "I didn't know Misato made you move in. I guess I should have assumed, given the rest of your personality."
Shinji shrugged. "I think in the end it was probably better this way. This way I have someone to talk to." Shinji looked into his glass, "Someone to say, welcome home. At the end of the day."
Asuka grunted behind her glass. "You roomed in with Misato just to have someone to welcome you home? That's a pathetic reason, I just figured you roomed in with Misato because you think she's hot."
Shinji's eyebrows canted up. "Even if she is, I don't like being a bother to other people. I'm not worth it."
Asuka grunted and slammed her cup on the table. "There you go again with your self depreciative crap. It's so tiresome."
Shinji had an apology on his lips but-
What would she have you do? What does the you in Asuka' s heart look like?
Swallowing, he asked instead, "When I offend you, S-should I not apologize?"
Asuka pointed at him. "If your apologies don't mean a damn, then I don't want them." She slapped her hand on the table, "You apologize so much the gesture doesn't have meaning anymore. At least TELL me what you apologize for when you do, it shows me you're paying attention."
"Sorry…" Shinji said in reflex. Under Asuka's glowering he swallowed again and amended, "f-for not being thorough when I apologize…" he sighed as Asuka's words sunk in. "You're right, I do say it out of habit a lot. I'm… I'm always apologizing. I… I always have."
"And you use it to dodge responsibility." Asuka said, "Seriously, if you truly have regrets, own up to what you've done and resolve to make it better. That way it shows to the offended party that your actions are sincere!"
Shinji closed his eyes. "I hate hurting people, just as I hate being hurt. But I can't help it sometimes. Saying I'm sorry is the least I could do."
"But you CAN choose how you make it up to people when you do mess up, and if they matter to you, you try that much harder." She grabbed her glass again. "If they're worth your time, they'll appreciate the gesture a hell of a lot more than just saying 'sorry' like a pathetic idiot."
"I see." Shinji responded. He smiled a little in spite of himself. "Thank you, Asuka. I'll try to be more mindful in the future."
She stared at him for a moment, thinking. "Hmf." She grunted, "You're welcome."
Shinji smiled a little, grateful to have another nicer exchange with Asuka for once.
The girl sipped her glass, finishing it off. She put it on the table and decided to try once more. "I lied earlier. I hate my father."
Shinji looked over at her with an uncharacteristically serious look. "What did he do?"
"I don't want to talk about that." She said, "I just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone. I can't stand my father either. My stepmother is a go between because, otherwise, I wouldn't have any family connection."
"I… I see. This is what you meant by being a formality."
"Yes." She said. Wincing as she stared into space, she clenched her fist as she went deeper. "The only one I know who ever loved me was mama. And she's gone now."
Mama… Shinji thought. The same one she called for in her sleep.
Don't push. Let her guide you if she's ready.
Shinji stared at the floor, uncertain what to say at first.
She's the same as you.
"I lost my mom when I was four." Shinji said, putting, it out there. He looked at her. "And I hate my father."
Asuka stared at him. Then she caught his meaning and started getting angry, "wh-what, you think you can sympathize with me? You have no idea what I'm going through!"
Shinji blinked. This had been going so well… "B-but-!"
Asuka stood up. "We are not the same! Don't compare me to you… you… you amatuer! Idiot! Stupid… stupid…!"
Talk to her!
"Then Tell Me!" Shinji blasted back, turning to face her. "Talk to me! I am not your enemy! I want to get to know you but I don't know anything unless you talk to me!"
"Bullshit!" She cried back, "You had your chances to listen and you blew them! You're so stupid and dense and oblivious-! Y-you'll never know a hint even if it barged in and demanded your attention! I don't want your help! I don't want anyone's help! Stay away from me!"
The dog yelps as sensei's hands stroke the coarse fur.
Shinji blinked and next he knew she was gone. He heard the door close. "She…she ran away…"
Like you do.
Shinji stood took some steps towards the hall, trying to think of what to do. What to say. Her statement about barging in. Was that a hint? But... "She told me to stay away. So… I should."
The Walls of Jericho.
Shinji balled his fists and decided to finally look up what that term meant. His class laptop was still in the living room, so he opened it up and read the description online.
'Walls of Jericho usually refers to the destruction of the walls of Jericho in the biblical story of the Battle of Jericho. On the seventh day the Israelites destroyed the wall by sounding a trumpet and letting out a great shout.'
He stopped to recall that conversation long ago, staring across the room at Misato's door where it happened. She must have wanted him to come in, then.
She needed your help.
Shinji wasn't sure about the assumption he was forming now. The more he thought of it, the more it felt out of his comfort zone. He walked down the hall and stopped in front of her door. The Wall of Jericho.
Wants and Needs are different things.
He raised his fist to knock on her door.
It wavered, then lowered. He grunted and walked away. "This is stupid." He murmured, "She doesn't want anything to do with me." As he walked away he muttered to himself about Jericho, "I'm just overthinking it. A wall is a stupid wall."
You're running away.
Housework was something he could catch up on. To burn away his frustration at this senseless impulse, he threw himself into cleaning the kitchen.
He scrubbed for an hour and a half-
You're running away-
-Grinding harder with the elbow grease as if to mash this foolish impulse out of his head. Help Asuka? From what? Why was it his place to-
Hey Shinji, want to kiss?
Shinji's drive popped and his anger started to deflate. He had been physically close to her then- she touched him! Intimately! Or it would have been intimate, if she wasn't just… "I wish she wasn't just bored, then. I wish that had meant something." He said sadly.
He turned to grab the bucket and empty the-
Something was wrong in his vision and he looked up.
Asuka was standing halfway between the hall and the bathroom. She was still dressed in her clothes from earlier. They stared at one another, Shinji's eyes widening with surprise. She heard me!
After that second of shock Asuka fled into the bathroom and rushed the curtain closed. Shinji heard the door to the toilet slam soon after that.
Shinji remained paused in the room, trying to process what had just happened. Asuka's expression held surprise… Why would it be surprise?
Her assumptions about the kiss were challenged.
He considered that thought and looked at the door to the bathroom. What if his assumptions about the kiss were wrong, too? What if it wasn't just boredom? Then, what did she want out of kissing me? I wish things could be more clear. Unless…
His head dipped. Does she like me, too? But then, why is she so mean the rest of the time?
The dog brays, frightened and hurt. His sensei's hands kept touching the dog, gentle and firm. The dog calms down, whimpers.
He turned back to chores, but with less blind effort and with more contemplation. He still didn't know what, in this metaphor, was hurting her.
What has she won recently?
Shinji stopped to think about that. Synch ratios? No. Combat sorties? No. School popularity? Yes? No, she still complained about the advances of boys that didn't interest her.
She is constantly losing.
He stopped his sweeping then to look at the bathroom door where Asuka was still hiding. Things were starting to make sense now.
She's hostile because she's losing. And the time she kissed you…
Shinji lifted his head a degree. He got it now. That kiss must have meant more, and she lost that, too. That's another reason why she was angry. But… if it meant more, what did she want out of it? Just flirting?
He glanced up from sweeping the entry hall when Asuka emerged from the bathroom. She had scanned the kitchen, then the living room, as she slowly headed back to her room. She stopped just before turning down the hall, and turned around. Their eyes locked.
He straightened as he held the broom. Both of them held their gaze.
Feed her lunch!
"Lunch will be soon," he said, breaking the silence, "It's just us. would… Would you like me to make something specific?"
She stared at him without speaking for a moment, then turned her head to look down the hall. "I'll think about it." She answered and disappeared from sight.
Shinji gripped the broom.
That isn't a no.
Shinji looked at the broom. "Then what is it, then?" He uttered to the impulse in his mind.
The wounds are deep. And there's a ways to go.
His sensei's hand remains, in spite of the dogs barking.
Until it calms down.
"Ramen." She declared, just standing in the kitchen now. "I want homemade Ramen!"
Shinji had been starting to think about lunch and had been debating how to approach Asuka to follow up on his offer. It was a relief that she came to him.
"Ok, sure!" He replied pleasantly. "Coming up!"
He had been afraid that she would have requested something extraordinary, and didn't want to have to go back on his offer for lack of ingredients. He landed the pot on the stove, retrieved a cutting mat, and started to grab the vegetables. He had set aside some of these for dinner, but right now he couldn't say no to Asuka. Because she's hurting.
Before he started chopping, he cast a glance over his shoulder. Asuka was still standing there, staring at him with her fists balled at her sides. She hadn't moved. Her expression was still hostile, making his innards start to seize in fear. She was still mad?
Take things slow. You aren't the only one confused about how they feel.
Hesitating a little, Shinji asked, "i-is there something else you would like me to make?"
She seemed to snap out of it, coming back to herself. "No." She said. She shook her head and spun before striding into the living room. As Shinji turned back to chopping the vegetables, he heard the TV come back on.
Shinji spent the time preparing lunch wondering how to approach her again. He reviewed what he knew; She was hurt because she kept losing. She had expected more out of the kiss and lost that. If he was direct with her, as he was when he tried to illustrate how they were the same, she rebuffed his advances.
A puzzle. Was it all even worth it?
He cast his gaze into the living room where he could see the back of her head. Pity hit him, knowing now how she was losing things. But he also remembered how he saw her in the days before the kiss- admiring her passion and drive and drawing strength from her energy.
But bitterness had replaced gusto. Shrilling had replaced bravado. He could see that now, as he thought about it. I have to help her! I want to see her be those things again!
The ramen bowls were done. Chicken with soft boiled eggs. Shinji even grabbed the fork with a pair of chopsticks. He brought the bowl to her at the table.
"Thanks." She said without looking at him.
Shinji stepped away to the kitchen at first, partly recoiling from any anticipated blowback. When nothing came he stopped at the threshold back into the living room. "Asuka."
The tone made her turn her head halfway to him. "What is it?"
"I… I'm here, if you want to talk again."
She turned back to the TV, not saying anything, and Shinji waited a moment. When she said nothing he went back into the kitchen, missing her angry huff at him and at herself.
But her eyes widened and her head turned a degree when she heard him come back with his own ramen, and land at the table opposite of her to watch TV.
She looked back and forth between the TV and Shinji before barking at him, "What are you doing there!?"
Shinji looked at her, startled. "I'm… having lunch." He shifted a little. "I can leave, if you want."
"Yes! No! I don't know!" She grunted.
Shinji considered his position. I don't want to bother her… but I want to help her.
Tell her you want to stay, because it's the truth. Be honest.
"I want to stay." Shinji told her.
"Then stay." She replied with her eyes fixed on the screen.
Shinji said nothing more and started eating. Asuka, hearing the clatter of Shinji's chopsticks, remembered her bowl and reached for it. She noticed the fork, and her eyes darted to Shinji. He was busy slurping noodles. She took the fork and attacked her raman with gusto, she was hungry.
It tasted fantastic.
Neither of them spoke while they watched the movie. When it ended though, Shinji asked her, "Can I take your bowl?"
She passed it over wordlessly. Collecting it, Shinji ventured, "it's been nice to have the place to ourselves, hasn't it?"
That turned Asuka's head, but she turned it away again. "Really? You didn't seem as thrilled about it the last time."
Shinji set the bowls in the sink.
The last time was the night of the kiss.
"T-thats because… um…" Shinji said, hand on the back if his head as he walked back to the living room. "I… I didn't know what… we could do."
Shinji blushed as he realized he over extended. He swallowed nervously as he looked at her.
Asuka stood and approached him. She crossed her arms. "Do you know what you're saying?"
Shinji swallowed as he faced her from beside the table. "I… I think I do." His hands clenched as he committed.
Asuka stared at him. Then, "No, you don't."
"What?"
Her hands went to her hips. "You don't have the savvy to figure your way out of a paper bag, Third. Stop saying nonsense words you don't mean."
"Asuka." He stepped forward.
She stepped back, shrugging sarcastically. "After all, if you can't figure out a parade of hints then-"
"I looked up what the Walls of Jericho meant." Shinji said to her, heart thudding in his ears.
"Oh? You looked it up, huh?" Her shrug dropped as she flipped her arms back to rest hands on hips. "Did you study up on the right words to say to a girl while you're at it? Couldn't figure it out on your own?"
The dog barks.
"Asuka."
"What, Third?"
"Please stop. I know you're hurting." Shinji said, staring level at her surprised face as she slowly gasped. "I figured it out, finally. I want to help you."
"Bullshit!" She barked at him, fists thrown out her sides now, "You know nothing!"
"Piloting means everything to you!"
"No shit! I have a nose on my face, too!"
"Asuka, I keep telling you, i'm not your enemy!"
"Liar! You couldn't wait to rub it in my face when you passed up my sync scores! Don't be a fucking hypocrite!"
Shinji blinked, stepping back. "I… I did do that, but I didn't know it would hurt you! And I don't want to hurt you again!"
"You sure do a good job of it whenever you open your mouth!"
"Asuka what do you want from me? How can I do better?!"
"I want you to figure it out without me spelling it out to you!"
"I can't do that unless you give me something to work with! Asuka, I can't read minds!"
"Idiot! I've been giving you hints this whole time! It's not my fault you're too dense to see them!"
"And I was just supposed to just know what the Walls of Jericho were? If you're going to give me hints, you have to meet me halfway so I know what you're saying!"
"I can't get any easier than when I tried to kiss you, moron! You're so dense you let the flimsiest excuse stop you from seeing what's in front of your face!"
Asuka stopped as she realized what she had just said, her face turning beat red. Shinji's had as well.
She turned and bolted from the room. "Asuka!" Shinji called to her.
She didn't turn. This time he pursued. "Asuka!"
The door thunked closed once more. Shinji stepped up to it, face to face with the door plate promising death to anyone who crossed that door without permission.
Shinji huffed and puffed as he tried to think of what to shout at her through the barrier. At least he could continue his pursuit with words.
Don't rip back in anger what you have gained. She needs to process now what just happened.
Shinji's fists waved a little at his side with pent up frustration, but not trusting himself to speak he turned and stomped back down the hallway. Again he questioned if it was worth this.
Her smile.
He sighed out his pent up frustration and turned to look back down the hall. He returned to her door.
"Asuka." He said to the plate. "I… I know you're losing things. Your sync scores, grades… a lot. It didn't occur to me until I thought about it and put the pieces together.
"I wanted to tell you though that you didn't… you didn't lose me. I'm always here for you, Asuka, no…no matter what happens. I'm… I'm sorry I didn't see that you wanted something from me sooner." He trailed off.
Shinji had heard footsteps which stopped as he reached the end of what he said. He could imagine her on the other end of this door, standing and staring into the back of it. At him.
Ask her to open the door to talk to you.
"Go away." She said from beyond the door.
Shinji hesitated. He balled his fists again. "Why are you pushing me away? I thought this is what you wanted, when you told me about the walls of Jericho."
She didn't answer.
Shinji stared into the sign. Finally, he said, "Asuka, I will not open this door without your permission."
He thought over his words, staring into her eyes through the door between them. "Asuka, I want you to know… I'd trade almost anything to see you go back to the incredible person you were when we met. I… I like that person. Even if I was intimidated all the time, I took comfort in your strength. I wouldn't be as good of a pilot now, if it wasn't for you showing me what that looked like. But… now…"
Shinji lowered his head. He didn't know if she was listening. Or if she cared. "Now I see you hurt and lashing out, and all I want to do is try to help you. But… things keep clashing. I can't seem to reach you. I… I worry that it's too late."
The silence finally overcame him and his eyes lowered to the ground. He sighed and returned to the kitchen to finish chores.
The voice inside of him was quiet.
She's gone.
Shinji stopped playing the cello. To pass the time, and with some hope that Asuka could come out to see him, Shinji took up his instrument and started playing it. He lost track of time.
To test his hunch he went to the door. Sure enough, her shoes were gone. She had walked right by him without saying anything or getting his attention.
It… it was too late. In spite of trying to reach her… turn things around… see her. She still left.
He took steps back into the empty apartment from the front door. Pen Pen was the only one left now, and he wasn't much for conversation.
What was Shinji to do now?
He stopped in the dining area next to the kitchen table, next to where she had been sitting the night of the Kiss. So many memories about her flowed through his head as he tried to think,of what to do now.
He thought of her lithe figure when he watched her on the call. He thought of her presence when she dropped, unbidden, next to him on the cot. He thought of her kiss, the one he now wished he could have savored closer.
…he thought of her hand, slipping away from him.
He wondered, can I follow her? Should I follow her? Where did she go? Or… or would I just be a nag?
Shinji started to pack away the cello. Once it was in his room he returned to the living room and ruminated on all that had happened today.
He wanted it to matter. But it seems like nothing had changed for her. He... He had failed.
Dinner.
Yes, he could still make dinner. One more try, maybe. One more try.
Shinji Ikari was no gourmet cook. While he lived under Misato's roof he had increased his skill out of necessity of survival, but he wouldn't consider himself restaurant quality. He was only a boy.
This time, now, he was determined to increase his ability by an entire degree.
For her.
With hours to kill he left the apartment and went to Misato's favorite store for imports on a hope. She used this place to buy exotic booze, but Shinji was in luck when they had the ingredients he sought. Knocking out item after item- with only one compromise- he returned to Misato 's apartment with his grocery haul.
He didn't care how much he put on Misato's credit card.
Next, consulting the laptop, he started the kitchen symphony of orchestrating a full German dinner. The target was Jaeger Schnitzel.
He worked at it for two hours. A taste test at the end was satisfying, at least to his tastebuds. Now all he had to do was wait for Asuka to return.
Anxiety chewed at his nerves as he sat in that chair in the living room. This was his one shot to make a diff-
The door.
Shinji was up like a shot and moving to the table. Mitts in hand he started serving up. He had rehearsed in his head what he wanted to say to her, hoping he could somehow get out some of his profound feelings. Even his shadow was rooting for him.
"Oh my God, Shinji!" The wrong voice said, "what is this?"
Shinji felt two sensations at once. The first was the solid-stiff shock of embarrassment freezing him in place as Misato descended over the food. The next was creeping sadness over witnessing Misato steal this gift.
Misato continued, "...For Asuka isn't it? You sly devil, I knew you had it in you! I hope it works! Now, tell me what it's made of!"
Shinji was breathless, but he willed himself to speak and answer Misato's questions. In the middle of that, and amid her praises for upgrading his cooking, he looked up.
Of course Asuka was standing there in the entry hall. Shinji could read across the room that something on her venture had hurt her. Her face had the frozen look of anguished disappointment. And now, this stolen meal was just icing on that cake.
Misato, oblivious, turned to Asuka. "Asuka! Did you see the food Shinji made? Here, sit down and have a bite, let's all-!"
"I'm not hungry!" The redhead blasted and stormed through the room, freezing the others in place out of shock. She vanished after turning again to hide in her room.
Misato's good humor drained out of her like it was poured off the balcony. She sighed and stood from the plate she used to eat her serving. "Well, you tried. I'm sorry Shinji."
Shinji said and did nothing as Misato had taken her liberty with the meal, then left him alone in the dining room. Slowly he moved to put away dinner, but stopped at a thought.
Much later he set down the plate with a serving of dinner in front of Asuka's door. Straightening, he said to the sign, "This meal was meant just for you."
He waited a moment, but with nothing more from her he closed his eyes, breathed in, then started down the hall. He was headed to the bathroom to begin his bedtime ritual with a bath.
When he returned to enter his room for the night, the plate was gone. He paused then by the door, and reached up to give his customary knock. "Bathroom's free, Asuka."
Nothing. No voice, no response from Asuka.
He faced the door one more time. Fists clenched, he took a breath. "I'm still here. Are you okay?"
He heard footsteps in the room but they stopped. He wondered if she was staring through the door again.
Ask her if you could come in.
The thought was tantalizing. More than anything right now, he wanted to look at her and know if she was okay. His hand reached up for the door but he stopped, recalling it. He had said this door wouldn't open unless she wanted it to, and she said nothing.
He closed his eyes. "Goodnight Asuka."
Shinji turned, entered his room, and closed the door.
Shinji was only passing aware, in the middle of the night, that someone was standing over his bed. He stirred a little and his eyes peeked open. He saw her legs going up into her blue shorts.
A huff of disgust. "Idiot."
Step. Step.
"As-ka…" Shinji tried to utter after her. He saw the heels of the girl come to a stop.
He knew nothing else from that night.
There's danger.
Shinji woke with a start, his heart racing. Panting, he pulled the covers away and rubbed his face, trying to wake up and piece together the events of the night.
Had she…
Danger.
He followed his urges. He dressed quickly and emerged from his room to see what was wrong.
Dim light played through the hall from the living room. He could hear rain smattering against the deck in the early morning.
Step. Step. Turn.
Asuka was in her school uniform at the other end of the kitchen, just in the entry to go to the front door. An umbrella was in hand. She leaned up, staring at him.
Their eyes locked for a moment.
Shinji raised his hand, "Wait-"
She was gone, her sudden absence freezing Shinji in place. He heard the door cycle. His hand lowered.
She's in danger.
Shinji balled his fists.
Help her!
It didn't occur to him that he had skipped breakfast. Urgency sat in his gut, and he didn't know why.
She's going to try proving something with her Evangelion. She doesn't know any other way to exist now.
Not even with you. And that frightens her.
It didn't occur to him to question how he knew all this, either. He just had to see Asuka. To know that she was okay.
Muscle memory propelled him into the lockers. That was the only reason he was in base these days, so naturally he would be here. Gearing up in his Eva when he heard the battle alarm. Except…
He had to step through the NERV inspection tape on the way to his Evangelion. He couldn't board without permission from authorized persons. He wouldn't be launching immediately- with the reasoning somewhere between threatening the commander with the Eva, and the battle which followed.
He had tried to open a private channel to Evangelion unit 02 but Asuka wasn't authorizing his communication attempts. His fist bopped the control stick in frustration. "There has to be something I can do."
He waited, then switched to the general comms.
Asuka's voice was shouting, "Me? Backup? Support unit 00? No way- Evangelion unit 02 launching!"
Shinji gasped. He had been just starting to relax after figuring unit 00 would be on point. Of course though, his Asuka wouldn't have it any other way.
She's in danger.
Shinji grit his teeth. He had no proof of this beyond the sensation in his gut, but it was a certain one. He couldn't let her go out there alone.
She's in danger!
Asuka was already exposed and on the surface. She raged again at the Angel, "Get your butt down here dammit-"
"Asuka!" Shinji barked, but his comms were still interdicted under NERV order.
"-this is so annoying!"
The hairs on the back of Shinji's neck stood on end. Her wailing came soon after that. He tried to keep his cool, but his pulse was thundering in his ears. He kept initiating a launch sequence, but halting just short of firing as he knew it would be blocked, and notify the bridge.
Asuka was wailing, "Stay…stay out of my head! It hurts!"
Her screams was tearing him apart.
"Asuka, pull back!" Misato ordered over channels.
The girl replied, "No! I'd rather die than retreat now!"
Shinji's fingers were flying on the keys of his Eva controls, trying to find something. Anything. His comms kept being blocked. To general channel he finally shouted, "Misato! Launch me, I have to save Asuka!"
Nothing.
"Misato!"
The captain spat back, impatient, "You're on lockdown Shinji, don't move."
"I can't stand by and do nothing! I have to help her!"
His father spoke. "Third children, stand down."
Shinji blinked. Then, "you're going to let Asuka suffer? Or Die? Father, I have to help!"
"We cannot risk contamination with Unit 01. Unit 00 is performing the operation. Cease this childish whining at once." Was all Gendo said. The comms terminated.
He tried to fire the launch sequence anyway. Once. Twice. Then Shinji's rage flew into the handles, ramming them forward repeatedly. "Move! Move damn you! You moved before when I needed you, why aren't you moving now!"
He released the handles and started to cry in the cockpit as he curled up, rendered useless. "Everyone… Why is everyone stopping me? I need…to save… Asuka…"
Behind him, hovering within the cockpit, a black and white striped sphere the size of a baseball hung in the air. It shivered.
I can help.
The eyes of Unit 01 flashed blue.
"Blood pattern blue!" Shigeru suddenly announced, astonishing some on the bridge, "detected…. Sublayer 421! The cages!"
"What?" Misato demanded, then blinked as she realized with horror where that was. "The cages- Eva unit 01!"
Maya announced from her station, "An AT Field is forming! It… it's targeting unit 02!"
Ritsuko demanded, "How is this possible through the subterranean layers? Another attack? No… a connection?"
Maya whirled, "Is Shinji trying to connect with Asuka?"
Misato asked, "Is that possible?"
Ritsuko replied, "Unknown. We've never witnessed AT fields used in this way. It's possible Shinji is somehow mirroring the angel's attack on Asuka."
Misato whirled, "Shinji! Shinji, answer!"
"Comms are locked out!" Makoto announced, "Unit 01 is refusing transmissions!"
High up on the terrace behind them, Fuyutsuki leaned closer to Gendo. "Ikari…"
Gendo said nothing but his eyes were focused. This was unexpected.
Shinji's eyes were closed, but his imagination was active. What he perceived now with his mind's eye was a vision so vivid he would recall later that it almost seemed real.
Shinji felt the barrier in his thoughts. A white wall on a white void with a gentle give as he pressed against it.
He could feel her thrashing behind the barrier. He tried to find a way in, feeling around the invisible wall with his mind.
Pressing his ear against the barrier, he could hear her voice, shrill and desperate. "Mommy! Please! Don't stop being my mommy!"
Mother.
Next to him on the floor in the dark. Mom…ah…
Click.
Shinji felt it through his fingers. Memory! A connection! He grunted, pushing further.
She said, "I don't need a mommy or a daddy! I can live by myself!"
Shinji recalled, "You don't need a mom and dad." Asuka said, "it's possible. I don't need mine." She lowered her head. "I live for myself, and myself only."
Click.
She shrieked again, now with the voice of a little girl. "Sure, I'll die with you mommy. Just please don't stop being my mommy!"
Shinji desperately struggled to recall something to match. Something whirled over his shoulder then and collided with the barrier.
"I want to show Shinji mankind's bright future."
Click-click.
Shinji gasped with teeth as suddenly he was tugged into the barrier. Fingers-hands were deep now. He was committed- he could feel Asuka squirm in the cockpit beyond his hands.
"Im Asuka Langley Soryu. Nice to meet you.
"Are you an idiot or something?
"Chaaaaance!
"So look at me!"
"No! That's not who I am!"
Shinji gasped the barrier and pulled with his might. He wasn't budging in spite of how much he tugged. "Asuka!" He shouted, "help me!"
When nothing came, he winced, and pushed again.
"I lost my mom when I was four." Shinji said, putting, it out there. He looked at her. "And I hate my father."
Click.
The barrier clicked back.
"I wish she wasn't just bored, then. I wish that had meant something." He said sadly.
Another pair of hands- hers- touched palms from the other side of the barrier. Her fingers interlocked with his, and with a gasp of her breath she pulled him in.
The gaping maw that opened before him smelled of her sweat and hair. Shinji couldn't resist as he was pulled, screaming, into her red-hued domain.
"Help me, Mr Kaji!"
"Sorry, you're still just a kid, Asuka."
Asuka released the man's arm as the scent of Misato- her rival to everything- reached her nose.
Kaji stood against the exit of the house. But standing beside Kaji now was… him.
Her eyes widened in shock. Then, "What the hell are you doing here?!"
The wall of Jericho closed / The kiss.
"You just stand there! You won't help me!"
The volcano / Fleeing from the failed kiss.
"You won't even hold me!"
Blue hands landed on her shoulders, startling her. Those hands then turned into arms, snaking around her shoulders in a firm grip. "I'm not going to let go."
It was his voice speaking into her ear.
She tried bucking him off. "Idiot! I dont… I don't…!"
His smell was climbing up her nostrils- sweat and hair together. His presence was thick and heavy against her- just like in the kiss.
"Bah-kah Shiiiiin-"
A complement about her looks. / The bathtub drained and cleaned.
"Innnnnnjjjj-"
Ditching school / Talking by the TV / "-i wish that had meant something-"
"Jjjiiiiiiii-"
Lunch / Exposure / Cello music / Dinner, at her door
"-iiiiii!" she crooned. Her eyes watered as the universe answered her accusation, somehow, by delivering this boy to her. The boy she wanted, even more than she would have suspected.
Shinji spoke against her. "I got you. I'm not leaving you."
Around them a sphere-shaped shadow, striped black and white, had formed to separate them from the rest.
Wings noticed.
I MUST KNOW.
I can't let you proceed further. I owe him this.
IRRELEVANT. SHE WILL TELL ME.
I'm sorry, sibling.
...
…THEN DIE.
Graphs, charts, and tables in NERV HQ no longer made sense. Readings from Unit 02 were enmeshed with unit 01, and the nature of the beam attacking Unit 02 was starting to fluctuate.
Ritsuko was at a loss to explain any of it.
Gendo didn't show panic in his voice, but his actions were tense. "Rei. Deploy the spear. Hurry!"
In spite of his efforts, Unit 01 was in jeopardy.
In that embrace, their forms were starting to merge. The walls outside rumbled from the Angel's assault.
"Idiot! You think you can save me? You don't know anything about me!"
"I want to learn, Asuka. But you won't tell me anything! I tried to get closer but you keep shying away!"
"That's because you only feel sorry for leaving me out to dry!"
"That's not true! Asuka, I've come so far to be here with you!"
"You'd do anything to avoid confronting your feelings! You go to these lengths just to put your own ego at ease!"
"You… you do it too Asuka! You're just like me! You keep running from me when I try to get close! Asuka, stop pushing me away! I want to help you!"
Something stirred in her. In both of them. Shinji felt the floor to his perception start to tumble.
"So…You say you want to help me." Her irises started to turn red. "That's… not enough. It's not enough for you to just help me. I need… more. I need all of you."
Shinji gasped a little as she shifted within him. Something unfurled in her. Something large, terrifying, and hungry. Her barriers were coming down as this thing uncoiled from her mind like a dragon stirring to devour a foolish knight. The hunter was now the hunted.
The red-eyed dragon declared; "I want nothing to do with you, unless I have you all to myself! You are mine!"
Before Shinji's mind an entire reel of her desires flowed over him. Of physical intimacy, touching, ownership. It backed up against his face and submerged him in a sea of thick, sinuous needs and thirsts. He was suffocating in the dream under her desire, touched everywhere, privacy annihilated. Hands- hers- were all over him, touching everything.
Shinji tried to breath against this onslaught of invasive memories and suggestions. She was smothering him into oblivion. His chest pressed against the onslaught as he tried to breathe, his eyes starting into her wants as it flashed by like a movie reel sped up.
He breathed once, twice, then said, "If… If I give you all of me, then I'll take all of you!"
The mass of red desire recoiled a little at his own declaration. Suddenly Asuka was caught off-guard with her assumptions checked by the real Shinji. It let him sit up. With a deep breath Shinji shoved his anxiety aside and pressed his own barriers down to expose his heart to her.
It wasn't a torrent, but the blue of his own desire was a lot faster and a lot more targeted than hers. Instead of the flowing, smothering river of desire, his was a very specific path. First it grabbed her neck, then her arms, then danced up her body to grab her face and press it against his own. His grip was tighter than hers, with a greater intensity and fragility. His limbs shivered with great fear at what she would say next. She was wide-eyed still, surprised into tomorrow that her assumptions of him were as wrong as the night was from the day.
Both of them could see the pattern in their wishes though. It was the same. Up against one another, they stared into one another's being. "We're-" He breathed.
"The same." She answered.
The surreal flowing of their desires started to mix into purple now, forming a parody of the instrumentality so desired by SEELE. Here, in the crumbling shadow of an Angel, two hearts were joined.
Shinji I can't hold it much longer!
The world started to crack along the walls. A shaft of light stabbed inside.
The fifteenth angel would be beautiful, if it wasn't for what it represented and what it was capable of. The narrow blessing of it's AT field had reached far down to one specific place, asking pertinent questions of the chosen.
That open hand full of fingers had turned into a fist, battering its way in. And now a finger could-
A savage shout traveled back up the long arm of Arael's inquiry back into the Angel, stunning the being momentarily. Confused, it tried to calm its feathers before reaching out again.
Moments later though, the Concluding Word arrived in the form of a red spear. Arael stopped the intruder with the wall of its soul, but that wasn't enough. It insisted.
The fifteenth angel vanished in a cloud of astonishment, its questions unanswered this time.
Evangelion unit 02 was to be isolated since it suffered direct contact. Its pilot was sitting alone on the rooftop.
Behind her, and beyond a line of bio-contamination tape, stood Shinji Ikari. Extracted from his Eva He had passed a cursory medical examination. Shinji claimed he remembered nothing of the event, blacking out after telemetry was lost. There was no sign of Angel contamination within unit 01 either, and no evidence to account for the unusual AT field operations that connected to Unit 02.
Behind Shinji, drifting mere centimeters off the ground, was a pea-sized black and white sphere. It floated to the ground, shivering.
Thank you for this life, Shinji.
Then with a small pop of blood, it was gone. All that remained of the Angel Leliel was a spot on the ground.
Shinji, clenching his fists, stepped over the flimsy red tape. His feet crunched to a stop beside the second child, then he bent his knees and came down to sit beside her. "Asuka," he breathed, "Are you okay?"
She didn't answer at first. Then, without words, she reached out a hand and grabbed his knee with a finger and thumb. She pulled him closer. Shinji unfurled, scooted over, and draped himself around her shoulder and head. She leaned into him and let out a long, staggered sigh.
Finally, she answered, "Stay here. With me."
He let a breath out into her hair. "Of course."
Her grip tightened back
Fin.
A/N: with thanks to Romulo Nidoking/Asushipper for beta reading this. Also thanks to the Asushipper community for support for these kinds of fics.
I tried hard to answer the situation where, if Shinji had one last chance to turn the tide and help Asuka at the last minute, he could. I feel like I didn't go far enough, but I think this fic is good enough for what I set out to do. I pushed a mini instrumentality connection because, as I understand it, simple comm. messages from Shinji to Asuka here are overdone.
Since I didn't spell it out, the implication here is that Leliel came away from his encounter with Shinji having a more human perspective. Out of gratitude, Leliel returned from somewhere to haunt Shinji's shadow and aid him. Any italic text on its own line paragraph comes from Leliel, text in-line with the main paragraphs is Shinji's internal dialogue. Shinji, however, doesn't know the difference.
A/N-Ext: Based on some feedback and a request from within the Asushin community, I extended this with one additional scene (Shinji's rumination just before falling asleep) and updating the mini instrumentality between the two of them. I'm a little tempted to explore some alternative endings, but we'll see.
