Author's Notes: This one's extra long! Because... well because it just worked out that way😂 I don't make the rules of writing! This chapter's a pretty good mix of recovery, if I say so myself😁
Chapter XV
The next day the medical droids declared her well enough to move out of the infirmary.
The day after that, Anakin and Obi-wan started her refresher training, going over the basics of meditation and sparring again, as well as fighting with the Force. It was fairly easy to pick it all up again, especially since her full memory had now returned - more or less. Everything about her life prior to Dooku… and everything after she was taken.
It started by manifesting itself in small ways. For one, she found herself constantly fiddling with the heat settings in her quarters, turning them up higher and higher. Too many shivering nights, within Dooku's compound and without, preyed on her mind for her to feel comfortable any other way.
She also startled far more easily. If someone approached her too quickly, if Anakin entered a room too loudly. If an object was fumbled and dropped. The first time she tried to eat in the mess, she'd barely sat down when a group of clones two tables over had erupted in boisterous laughter and she'd jumped so hard she spilled her blue milk all over the table. She took her meals in her quarters now, usually with R2 for company.
And she started meditating. A lot. She told herself, I'm just becoming reacquainted with the Force, relearning how to commune with it. But really, she enjoyed the escape. It was so easy to let herself be drawn in deep, far deeper, far more frequently than was strictly safe. When she did so, she fell so far into the Force that it felt like she ceased to exist. She had only the most tenuous hold on her body, her mind no longer her own as she drifted along it's currents. It took her wherever it wanted, which was exactly how she liked it. Barely able to feel the lingering aches and pains from her physical form, the shredded sanity of her mind no longer known as she dove deep into meditation.
The downside to this meditation practice - other than the risk that she would lose what nebulous hold she had on her mind completely, and her consciousness would simply… slip away - was that she ate very little. Spending so much time attempting not to feel her physical body - and be rid of the aches and pains - meant she also didn't know when to feed it. Instead of her body slowly rebuilding its muscle mass and strength, she instead became wiry. With her renewed lightsaber practice, she simply compounded on what muscles she'd gained from Dooku's training. He didn't think she noticed, but she saw the concerned looks Anakin started giving her as her old clothes hung looser and looser on her body.
And she still had the gag on her face. Anakin said it was because the infirmary here didn't have the tools necessary to take it off without risking severe damage to her face. That would have to wait till Coruscant. Because of it, though, she had to fight back severe nausea every time she happened to glance in a mirror. As well as any time a question or a sarcastic quip popped into her head. Which was beginning to happen a lot, now that she and Anakin were finally finding their footing together.
They would be sparring, or having a conversation. He'd say something sarcastic and then look at her like he was expecting a snippy retort. And more and more frequently, something would pop into her head, but immediately, she'd bite it back. Already feeling the gag snicking around her lips, already feeling the volts of energy course through her being. And she would see the disappointment - that he tried and failed to hide - on Anakin's face every time he watched her open her mouth and snap it shut just as quickly. She told herself, he just doesn't understand. Doesn't know how painful it is just to think these things, let alone say it out loud. But his reaction hurt, all the same.
And all the long trip, no matter where she was or what she was doing… her lightsaber never left her belt.
Then finally, the dreaded day came.
When the ship touched down on Coruscant, two Jedi and one Padawan were waiting to step off the ramp, Plo Koon having been deployed off the ship elsewhere three days ago. They had instructions to head straight to the Council.
Ahsoka was silent the whole way there, only starting to fidget and shift on the long ride up in the Temple elevator.
She felt Obi-wan lay a soothing hand on her back. "You're going to do fine, Ahsoka. The Council only wants to ask you a few questions to make sure they hear your side of things. Anakin and I will do most of the talking."
Not trusting herself to speak, she simply nodded.
Anakin grumbled beside her. "I still think they should've at least let us get her checked in the Halls of Healing first."
A pointed look from Obi-wan and he fell silent.
The elevator pinged and they stepped out directly in front of the Council Chamber doors. Doors that opened of their own accord, almost immediately. They stepped inside.
Ahsoka blanched at the sight of so many faces, all with their full attention turned on her. She became highly aware of her numerous scars, visible on her arms and back. Maybe I should've rethought this dress.
Not even aware of doing so, she shrank back, hiding slightly behind Anakin.
"Padawan Tano," called a dark-skinned human with no hair - who it took her a second to remember was Master Windu - spoke first. "We are overjoyed to see you safely returned to us."
A small green creature with very pointy ears - Master Yoda, she reminded herself - spoke next. "Happy to see you back, we are, Padawan."
The rest of the figures, flesh and hologram alike, echoed the sentiment.
A heartbeat passed, and she realized they wanted some kind of response. She glanced at her Master, who gave a nod of encouragement. His hand slipped out to grab hers and he pulled her out from behind him. He didn't let go of her hand though.
She bowed her head at the Council. "Thank you, Masters." As she raised her head again, she noticed quite a few pointed stares at where her and Anakin's hands were twined together. She couldn't find it in herself to care.
"Master Kenobi, in your report you stated -" Master Windu began speaking and Ahsoka tuned him out, choosing instead to focus on the busy Coruscant skyline and the pressure of Anakin's hand on hers. She registered several different voices speaking, including her Master's, but she did not want to hear the words. She had lived it. She didn't need anything else.
While the sound of the voices washed over her, her other senses became attuned to the environment around her. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up, and she stiffened. She was being watched. Intently. Slowly, she scanned the room, her eyes finally coming to rest on Master Yoda. She matched his unrelenting gaze, the voices fading even further from her mind as the Grand Master and her locked eyes. Her vision slowly tunnelled, and a soft pounding grew in her ears. Something was stirring inside her, reacting to Master Yoda's scrutiny, and she found herself becoming annoyed at him. His calm gaze bothered her, and she had no idea why. You're being irrational, one side of her brain tried to tell the other. But the other side seemed to think itself locked in combat with the Master. The something that stirred inside her was waking more and more, and she wished she could look away from Master Yoda and make it stop-
She blinked, breaking from the trance, as Anakin nudged her. "Snips," he whispered. Startled, she followed his gaze to Master Mundi, who was looking at her expectantly.
"Sorry Master, could you repeat that?" She asked, her voice rather breathless to her ears.
"I asked if you would be able to provide any additional details on your time with Count Dooku that were perhaps not included in the report that Master Kenobi provided."
Her tongue spit out an answer before her mind had even processed the question. "I would rather not."
She saw many Council members blink and stir, shifting slightly in their seats, clearly unused to such blunt refusals. That didn't mean she was about to change her answer.
A different member spoke up now. "What did the Count want to know about?"
Ahsoka didn't understand the question. "What?"
Master Luminara chimed in. "Did he ask about troop movements?"
Master Mundi. "Or base locations?"
"What? No," Ahsoka tried to answer, but there were too many people asking too many questions too quickly. She felt her grip on Anakin's hand grow tighter and tighter as the voices began to crowd her.
"What was it the Count wanted to know?"
"Surely he had questions for you about Republic movements?"
"You were with him for a long time, Padawan, you would not be blamed if you had given in -"
"What did he want?"
Ahsoka finally snapped. "Nothing!"
Her shout echoed around the now silent chamber, her laboured breathing the only sound to be heard. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Master Yoda smiling.
She lowered her voice. "There… was nothing." Her free hand crept up to the high collar of her dress, tugging at it in an approximation of her old habit. She didn't fail to notice the Masters' eyes flitting to her exposed scars. "He never asked me any questions." Her mind flashed back to the blinding lights, and she shivered. "Save one. And that had nothing to do with what any of you are talking about."
Her mind went inward, to the nights in Despair, and the weeks hanging in chains. She didn't even see the Council chambers anymore, and so missed its member's looks at each other as her gaze went vacant and her hand tugged at her collar. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "There was nothing… nothing to make it stop. He wouldn't stop."
Her reverie broke when Anakin let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her shoulders instead. She saw a muscle in his cheek twitch as he clenched his jaw, obviously attempting to contain some negative emotions. And from the way he was eyeing them, Ahsoka guessed his source of ire to be the Council themselves.
Obi-wan stepped up beside her, brushing her shoulder with his as he opened his mouth. Ahsoka could tell he wanted to speak before Anakin lost control.
"Masters, everything of note is in the report. It has been a long journey, and Padawan Tano has yet to be checked by Master Che. May we be excused to go and settle in?"
The Council nodded almost in unison, but it was Master Windu that spoke up. "I think that would be wise." He gestured toward the doors. "May the Force go with you."
Letting herself be swung around - her Master keeping a firm grip on her shoulders - Ahsoka registered several intakes of breath as the healing burn wounds on her back were suddenly visible.
But she didn't look back as the doors whooshed shut behind them.
