Greetings, my fellow FF aficionados!
I first wrote this story back in 2017 and got quite far with it (24 chapters), but then realized that there were some irreconcilable plot holes in the earlier chapters, that would prevent the remainder of the story from being consistent with what had already been written. So this story is being re-written. I promise that we will see this story through to its end, and that regular updates will be had.
Anyways, let's delve into the greatest mystery of the Harry Potter series. What if Harry had lingered in the pensieve for a minute longer? Did James end up taking off Snape's pants? Harry never found out. Let's satisfy his (and everyone else's) curiosity
Warning: Toilet humor and comical violence
"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"
The crowd roared with laughter as Snape twisted about in midair, kicking and thrashing, desperately trying to get free. Flying flecks of dandruff, grease, lice, and miscellaneous bits of unidentified debris formed a small cyclone around Snape's head, as his filthy hair flopped about.
"Come on James, give the greasy bastard what he deserves!" hollered Sean Finnegan, his fellow Gryffindor fifth-year.
"I'll bet five Galleons that Snivellus has a Dark Mark tattooed on his butt cheeks!" jeered sixth-year Cameron McLaggen.
"Is that a diaper rash on Snivelly's arse?" This inquiry elicited a chorus of giggles and whispers, and at least a dozen pointing fingers. With tears of rage welling in his eyes, Severus threw his hands back, trying to cover the patches of blotchy red skin that discolored his buttocks and upper thighs. Sores and lesions that had become infected due his chronic lack of hygiene and dilapidated upbringing. Scars inflicted over the past decade by brutal beatings at the hands of a drunken Tobias Snape.
"NO!" Severus screamed in a voice that was not his own. "BLOODY HELL, POTTER! YOU LET ME DOWN RIGHT NOW!" Loud, angry curses erupted from his throat and echoed violently across the grounds. Severus twisted about wildly, but was unable to break free.
James flicked his wand, and Snape's hands were immobilized as his sides. "Don't even try to hide it, Snivelly. You're getting your arse handed to you, and I mean that quite literally."
Peter was dancing with excitement at the prospect of what was to come. On the other side of the great oak tree, Remus was hunched over his Transfiguration textbook. His eyes were staring without seeing, reading without comprehending, as he desperately tried to ignore the drama unfolding around him.
"Last chance, Evans!" James called to Lily's retreating form. "You don't want to miss this!"
"Forget about her, Prongs," Sirius clapped James on the shoulder. "Just get on with the show."
The audience was getting restless at the delay. A thunderous chant of "Take them off! Take them off! Take them off! Take them off!" exploded from the crowd, reverberating off the castle walls, rippling across the lake, and echoing through the voluminous canopies of the forest. High overhead, a flock of birds squawked obliviously as they passed.
Remus set down his book and shifted uncomfortably. "Prongs," the soft-spoken teen dared confront his friend. "Don't you think this is going too far? He doesn't deserve this."
Sirius brushed him off. "Don't be soft, Moony. Who cares about greasy old Snivellus?"
James cleared his throat. "Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you have all been waiting for. Three, two, one, Diffindo!"
Snape's graying, moldy, threadbare underpants split in half. His buttocks and genitals were on display for the entire student body to see, leaving nothing to the imagination. The hapless boy flailed about helplessly, trying to pull his robes up. But it was no use. Every inch of his manhood, significantly smaller-than-average and hanging limply, was exposed to hundreds of eyes. Every inch of his pale and sunken buttocks, criss-crossed by dozens of belt-shaped scars inflicted by his father over the years, and horribly infected by the bacterial overgrowth of his filthy underwear, was on display for everyone to jeer at.
The tough, scrappy Slytherin would rather die than show weakness. But his pain was insurmountable. All the Occlumency in the world could not desensitize him to abuse and humiliation of such magnitude. With his final vestige of dignity surrendered, his lower lip quivered and a stream of tears slid down his gaunt, sallow face.
Severus Snape had been beaten and broken at last.
Sirius pointed. "Take a look at Snivelly's junk. Two inches!"
"That's two inches longer than what I'd have expected," retorted James.
"Hey Snivelly! What's up with your arse? Did Hagrid give it to his creatures as a chew toy?"
Laughter exploded from the crowd in a cacophonous boom, like an array of Fillibuster Fireworks. Students pointed at Snape's exposed buttocks and genitals, shrieking with mirth, snorting as they choked on slippery strands of tears and mucus. Peter Pettigrew was on all fours, kicking and pounding the grass with his pudgy fists, on the verge of wetting his pants. James beamed with delight, reveling in the attention he was receiving. Remus Lupin had his nose buried in a book once again.
"LEAVE HIM ALONE!"
Lily Evans was back, her eyes blazing with rage and indignation. "James Potter, you are disgusting!"
"Not as disgusting as this." James dangled Snape's underwear in her livid face. The crowd of students exploded in a fresh wave of laughter.
James tossed Snape's underwear to Sirius. "If I don't catch the Snitch against Hufflepuff in the first ten minutes of tomorrow's match, I'll eat Snivelly's knickers."
"It isn't funny!" Lily seethed. "You deserve to be expelled for this!"
Sirius tossed the lump of moldy gray cloth to Lily. "Evans, how is this not funny? Please, just stop being a buzzkill and enjoy the show."
"Buzzkill?" Lily demanded incredulously. "Do you know what I think is funny, James Potter? You're always going on about the importance of resisting You-Know-Who. You preach against the Dark Arts until you're blue in the face, like a self-righteous sanctimonious prick. But you're no better than these so-called Death Eaters. Just because the stuff you do isn't officially dark magic, doesn't mean it isn't every bit as vile and disgusting! I hope you lose every Quidditch match you ever play!"
"She got you, Prongs," Remus whispered out the corner of his mouth. "You can't argue against that."
But James would not be so easily deterred. "The day I lose a Quidditch match is the day Snivelly washes his hair. Hell will freeze over when someone catches the Snitch before I do."
Lily jabbed her finger into his chest. "I've got news for you, Potter. You are never playing Quidditch again. Ever!"
"What is that supposed to mean?" Sirius laughed.
A triumphant gleam flickered in Lily's emerald eyes, as she pointed across the grounds. "I told McGonagall everything, just now. She's coming to get you. Kiss goodbye to your place on the team, Potter."
"What?" James yelped, his face going white with shock. He shook his head frantically. "You ratted me out! Evans, how could you?"
Sirius gave his distressed friend a pat on the back. "Don't worry, Prongs. She's bluffing. McGonagall hates that greasy slimeball, too."
"Shut up, Padfoot." James snapped miserably.
Sirius shrugged. "Well, if you've been kicked off the team, you've got nothing to lose now." He jerked his head towards Snape, who was still struggling in vain to cover himself. "Let's have some more fun with Snivellus while we can."
"Right," James flicked his wand at an acorn that had fallen into the grass, transfiguring it into a wooden paddle. Regaining his swagger, he turned to face the crowd once more. "Who wants to see Snivelly get spanked?" A clamor of approval rang out.
James levitated the paddle into the air, controlling its movements with his wand. With lightning speed and agility borne of his skills as Seeker, he lashed it across Snape's already-scarred backside with a resounding crack. "Take that, Snivelly!"
Snape's jaw was clenched and his eyes screwed shut in a stony, recalcitrant façade. He was going to fight this with every ounce of strength, even if it killed him. But by ten strokes he was in tears. By fifteen he was bawling his eyes out, sobbing uncontrollably, unable to hold back screams of agony.
"Beat his arse, Prongs!" Sirius and Peter roared with laughter as Snape screamed and kicked wildly, causing his scarlet-colored derriere to bob up and down. The crowd laughed even harder. James continued swinging away inexorably. Angry red blisters erupted all over Snape's backside, bursting open to reveal the raw, tender flesh underneath.
Sirius chuckled, "You're about beat the shit out of Snivelly, and I mean that quite literally."
"POTTER! BLACK!"
"Oh shit, it's McGonagall." James hastily dropped the paddle and disappeared beneath his invisibility cloak. Snape was left dangling in the air upside-down, half naked, with blood and pus oozing from his lacerated backside like a quivering mass of cherry flavored Jell-O.
