A matter of trust…

McRoll Pairing

- season 3, episode 18

Chapter 1

Steve's POV

His heart sunk when he heard Catherine open up to him about his mother and the whole mangosta issue. He knew straight away that it wouldn't have been Catherine's choice to keep it from him, of course it would be his mother.. but he still felt that slight betrayal when standing in his mother's house and she finally revealed she had been keeping it from him..

He was more hurt then angry, and that was why he had asked her to leave.. Whilst he was more hurt than anything, he did have a tendency to say whatever was on his mind when he was hurt and he knew that he couldn't risk saying anything that would hurt Catherine. He also wasn't ready or willing to have a massive argument with her over it.

Despite it all, he knew Catherine had no ulterior motives in keeping it.. He knew deep down it was only because his mother would have made her promise not to tell him.. This was one reason he didn't want Catherine and Doris to be close, he didn't want to risk Doris using his girlfriend against him and ultimately putting them both in a position where they were on rocky ground.

Still despite knowing all this, it did hurt that the woman whom he wanted to one day have a future with had lied and hid something from him. He mused that perhaps it hurt him more then he wanted to admit because while a lot of men find a partner that reminds them of their mother, Steve never had that thought with Catherine before, the thought that she could ever betray him or hurt him that way..

She had always been the opposite of his mother and that is what made him drawn to her.. His mother had been a wonderful mother when he was younger and yet at the same time, looking back on his childhood years, he could sense something that he didn't realise at the time, that she was holding something back.. There was hints of it now that he thought about it, moments when either Steve or Mary must have been close to uncovering one of her many secrets hidden around the house, the moments when he came home from school to seeing her crying..

It all made sense to him now as an adult..

It was something that from the moment they met, he always just felt safe with her, knowing he could trust her with everything.. He never got that vibe about Catherine.. He never had that feeling she was hiding anything from him, he knew she couldn't tell him everything about her work life, which was understandable since he made a vow of silence under that same code, to never reveal anything, even to those closest as they could become a target as well.

It was why she knew everything about his life, his past, his parents.. things he hadn't even told Danny yet.. It felt like his mother was corrupting her, and that was again yet another reason why he didn't want his mother and Catherine to be close as well. Most son's would love knowing their mother and girlfriend were having lunch dates and getting to know each other but for Steve, it made him worry about Catherine.. He didn't want his mother to hurt her the way she hurt him.. or hurt both of them.

All while dealing with this, he had to still deal with the case and the knowledge that Catherine was also involved in the case.. It made it a little hard to focus for a while especially when they figured out that Coach Blair was the one that had killed Dana Moore, and that Catherine was in real danger of being hurt by him, and he couldn't reach her on the phone.

That little panic he had, when he tried to call her by phone and couldn't get in touch.. and then heard the gunshot ring out.. It made him realise that though she shouldn't have kept it from him, and that he was still hurt over it, it couldn't be the reason why their relationship failed.. It was one thing, he needed to focus on the fact that they had a good relationship and that one small fumble didn't necessarily mean the end of it.

He needed to place the blame where he should be and that was with his mother and not Catherine.. In the end, he knew that Cath was only doing what she felt was right in that moment when his mother had asked her not to share this with Steve..

One thing Catherine was and that was loyal, beyond a doubt and she kept her word.. He couldn't fault her for that.. It was one of the many reasons he loved her so much, her loyalty and keeping her word when she promised something..

They had avoided being around each other since they arrested Coach Blair, Catherine choosing to stay at her own place and focusing on her work while Steve did the same.. A thousand times he thought about picking up the phone and calling her, but every time, he knew in his heart he wasn't ready for the argument that he knew would follow.. He wanted to put some time and space between them, to allow them both to cool down and talk about things rationally and maturely.

His silence was more telling then any words he could ever say in anger towards her.. He knew words were dangerous things to say when angry which is why he had asked her to leave because he knew he would have started something that would have gone into dangerous territory. They both knew when he went silent, and gave her the silent treatment, that was when he was really upset and hurt, and it's how she knew to keep her distance for a while because his silence meant so much, and meant he had pent up anger that he didn't want to take out on her..

He loved her too much to hurt her even if he himself was hurt. He didn't buy into the whole you hurt me so I hurt you back revenge type situation. His Dad had raised him to respect women and so he despite being filled with anger himself, he would never disrespect Catherine. His mother on the other hand, she never did anything to respect him or the family, so he didn't mind as much if he argued and fought with her.

It was because of the respect he had for her as a woman that they had never had a massive argument or fight before. He knew that arguing to the point of being nasty and having digs at each other didn't solve anything, if anything, it only created more tension that they then needed to resolve and the more hurtful words that were said, the harder it was to forgive and forget those little words said in anger.

The way she kept trying to meet his eyes at the funeral, the way she was looking at him, he could sense from her that she needed to know everything was okay.. As upset as he had been, he couldn't be angry with her.. His heart was hers and there was no denying that now. He headed straight home once the funeral was over, he needed to speak to his mother and confront her with what he knew, what Catherine had told him about mangosta.

Neither of them had ever said the words.. He knew the feelings were there on both sides, but neither had ever said it.. When his mother said that Catherine loved him, it still managed to jolt this feeling deep inside him.. He knew that Danny, Chin and Kono all could sense where they were headed and could tell they loved each other even if they didn't say the words, but hearing his mother say it.. A woman who hasn't known Catherine as long as the others.. It made his heart skip a beat but at the same time, brought more anger towards his mother that she knowingly knew that Catherine loved him but still asked her to keep something from him..

He understood that she had to keep certain work things from him.. he was fine with that as he kept certain work things in relation to his past Navy intel things close to his chest as well, but things involving her self or anyone else, he didn't want there to be any secrets between them..

In the middle of arguing with his mother, he heard his phone vibrate from his pocket and he abruptly stopped the conversation and walked out on her, heading outside to pick up his phone, assuming it was Danny about another case.. Instead he found a text message from Cath asking him to meet him and giving a location of where she was.

Watching her from the truck for a moment, he sighed softly.. She had her arms wrapped around herself and was looking out towards the water, her hair blowing in the wind.. how was it that she could look stunning in anything she wore, his heart broke for her in that moment.. He could sense she felt lost and broken, and in that moment, he couldn't find it in his heart to even be upset at the fact she hid it from him.. yes, she should have told him, but he could also appreciate the position she had been put in when his mother asked her to not tell him.

Getting out of the tuck, he walked towards her, and stood close by, letting her speak first.. His eyes were slightly teary and he could see that hers was as well. She gazed up at him, her hands still wrapped around herself, whispering in a low voice, "I am so sorry.. I should've told you".

There was no words he could say.. He had been wanting to hold her since the moment he feared she had been injured in the gunfight at the derby, but he knew they both needed some time and space, and to get through the mountains of paperwork involved as well as being there at the funeral. Catherine had really gotten close to Crimson Bride and so the whole team had gone to pay their respects.

Without saying a thing, he leaned in to her, tilted his head, used his left hand to rest on her check, his thumb behind her ear and kissed her softly, and lovingly, showing her with his actions that her apology was accepted. It was a short and sweet kiss, both pulling away after a moment, and taking a moment to look into each other's eyes, and then he pulled her in for a hug, holding her tight in his arms, and burying his head in her shoulder, placing a soft kiss to her shoulder and then her neck.

They stayed that way for a while, felt like forever and then he found himself pulling away again, gazing into her eyes, clearing his throat, he found his voice finally, saying those words he always wanted to say but was too afraid too.. He knew that Catherine had been in some sticky situations before where she had been hurt and injured but never on his watch and though he knew she could handle herself, it still scared him for that split second before he heard her voice calling out to say where she was that it was her who had been shot..

His hand back on her cheek, his eyes gazing into hers and he smiled softly, knowing he couldn't hold it back any longer.. He could see the relief on her face, but also the sadness still as well.. "I love you Catherine", finally came those four words he had longed to say for a long time to her, but never did.. His heart swelled with love at the freedom it gave him hearing himself say those words, and seeing the genuine smile on her face, and the way her eyes lit up at that statement.. Both of them knew how the other felt, but it was always nice to hear those words..

He closed his eyes for a moment when he felt her hand back on his cheek, his own hand moving to cover hers and rub his fingers gently against her hand, enjoying the lightness of her touch, opening his eyes slowly, just to see her say the words back to him.. the words he knew she felt for him, but had never realised how much he had wanted to hear her say it till just now, "I love you Steve".

Taking a breath, she could see him visibly sigh in relief.. While they both knew how the other felt, it was still nerve wracking putting those words out there in hopes they will be well received. He spoke up again, softer, "Why don't we go get some takeaway dinner and head back to your place". The fight he had with his mother, and then walking out on her without a word, he didn't really want to go home right now.. Though most nights, Catherine stayed with him in his home, he had clothes, a toothbrush and a spare gun and badge at her house for nights when he unexpectedly found himself staying.

The look she gave him was one of confusion, they rarely did stay at her rental, knowing Steve felt comfortable in his own home, he shook his head and smiled softly… "I just don't want to run into Doris right now.. I just want us to have a night alone, uninterrupted.. As soon as I'm in the car, my phone goes off, and I'm all yours and yours alone tonight".

Things had been tense the last week or so and if anything she was grateful to know he wasn't pushing her away or running away from this.. It showed her that his heart was really in it, "I love the sound of that Sailor… Since I did you a favour and went undercover, I believe it's my choice", she smirked as she took his hand and began to walk before feeling her weight off the ground and lifted into his arms, her arms wrapping around him as he carried her back to her car and let her down..

"Yes Ma'am", was all he said back, opening the car door for Catherine, and waiting till she was in the car, and then closing it, her window winding down.. "How bout rainbow?", she asked softly, Steve taking her hand in his and squeezing softly.. "Why don't you head back home, I'll go through the drive through, pick up dinner and then meet you there?"

Nodding her head, she leaned out the window and kissed his lips softly before watching him pull away to get in the truck, starting her car, and before pulling away, she noticed him take his phone and switch it off, smiling as she put the car into gear and started to drive away, feeling happier and more relaxed then she had in weeks..