Request : Dimitri is crowned king after the war and shortly after FOC leaves on a mission for him. Dimitri is reminiscent in their academy daus. Even tho gh the future is uncertain he is still glad they have found each other again. Deeply apologetic for his actions when the Blue Lions reunited but not looking for or feels he deserves forgiveness for his sins. Still hopes she will look past his shortcomings and return soon.
The rising sun pouring through the kings quarters saturated the tapestries, carpets, furniture, and furs with a light so golden it washed the room in a warmth that permeated even the thickest weave, but what it could not do was replace the ashes left where the owner's heart had once blazed in his beloved's presence until she went on a mission suited only to her. Knowing full well she couldn't stay and that he would be unable to leave with her, King Dimitri had remained and existed as a hollow husk from the moment she had gone out of sight. Now, as the fourth day dragged on and the sun highlighted the deep purple circles under his eyes that had not known sufficient sleep since the king rose from his bed and dressed in silence, refusing to let anyone that wasn't her touch him for fear he would forget how she felt.
For the last four days, his routine had been the same. Rise, dress, move to the writing table by the window, and sit in silence, looking both out onto the world and down to a blank page, ignoring the breakfast that had been silently brought and sat next to him for hours until something would cause his mind to stir and look at it before tasting it mechanically. When it was done, he would return his gaze to the window and parchment page before someone would seek him to attend to the daily business.
Today, the fourth day, the page did not remain blank.
Beloved Ana,
How have you fared? I can honestly say the days without you have fallen into a shade of grey that envelops even the food I eat. I find myself rising from asleep I don't believe occurred, and yet my eyes are found to have been closed, and the grains of sleep hidden deep within the ducts stating otherwise. There are even nights when I pull the bearskin blanket off the bed and bring it to the fire where I lay before it and let the heat from its blaze pass through me in an attempt to experience something besides emptiness.
The sharp tip of the ink pen scratched over the surface of the parchment in much the same way his agonies tore at the frayed and worn sanity he did his best to keep in check. Holding an image of her smiling face in his mind, the pen flew across the page the same way his sword sliced through the air, precise and fluid without a single wasted movement caught in the dance as words tumbled from his thoughts like tears of ink he could not shed.
Do you look back along the path you have come from and search for my shadow? I know I search for yours in the sun's rising and setting. Even knowing we are bound in love and matrimony to one another, I still fear the forgetfulness that is natural to distance as time takes its toll. Your scent still lingers on the sheets I refuse to let the servants change, but your picture sitting beside me is devoid of your radiance. Even setting it in the direct line of the sun as it rises, it still fails to capture the life that drew me to you. So beautiful.
It pains me to leave the walls of our bedroom. Some of it is jealousy and some childishness. Would you want me to be the first to see you upon your arrival? I would be lying if I said I did not have men posted at various places along your route to make me aware of your return. Do not think I will not ride out to meet once I get word you have returned because I will. I miss you that much.
Tapping the end of the quill against his lips, he smiled slightly out of the corner of his mouth before his pen descended and continued to scratch.
Needing some part of you with me, I made the fatal mistake of dabbling in your alchemy. Having watched you countless times hum and sway around your herb garden and workshop, I felt capable of reading and recreating your work from your notes, thinking it would bring me a sense of peace. My first attempt left me teary-eyed and covered in a rash that finally disappeared late last night. The following effort, possibly because the inflammation compromised me, made my hands swell and my sense of taste diminish though I'm convinced that isn't why things carry no taste or enjoyment when I eat them.
Speaking of leaving the bedroom, I have made sure to visit the orphanage still. It is as hard to abandon them as it is to abandon the intensity of my love and longing for you. Though two sides of the same coin, that orphanage is as much a part of me and the man I am today as you are. Both you and they drugged me out of my never-ending darkness and kept me afloat, even if only in spirit, so I never succumbed to the constant worries and fears that plagued me.
His eyes glazed over for a moment, and a small dot of ink bled into the spot meant for the period as his pen lingered too long upon the parchment. Pulling himself out of his malaise abruptly, Dimitri drew a small heart and colored it to hide the flaw before continuing.
I am a man neither eloquent of words nor thought, only true in conviction and raw emotion. I hope you know the true significance of your presence in my life and the depth of the impact you have made. If not for you, I would still be haunted by nightmares that left me chilled and shaking, heart pounding out of my chest and throat dry from screaming. I am still sorry for what you endured in helping me move past the darkness of my past, and I have never really given you a good sign of my appreciation for your patience and kindness. Sometimes, like now, especially when I am alone, or you are sleeping, I wonder if you have not just grown sick of it all but refuse to tell me for fear I might relapse. It is a thought that grips me and causes me to forget to breathe, but then I look upon your peaceful face and realize how silly I am.
We are both haunted by elements of our past and let go so perfectly together, melding our pain and successes into one continuous cycle of growth that you effortlessly lead us on like a sage. It is a marvel that I could be so lucky and be given you to love and cherish, which I do. My sins, though grown over with earth and new life, are still too great to forget or forgive entirely.
His eyes pinch, and his lips purse as his face takes on a pained expression, his hand squeezing subconsciously around the pen hard enough to make it break though it did not.
Was sending you out a sin, I repeated knowingly? Even though it is not the same as the rebellion I quelled in my youth, I sent you out much like I was sent out to deal with something that could kill you were you a lesser woman. Am I a lesser man for sending you in my stead? Should I not have gone and let you stay warm and safe in the home I have revitalized for you? What if you should die much like that man who clutched a locket filled with golden hair in his hand? Do you have something similar to remember me by? Do you ever wish to remember me? I worry that the self I almost lost might rear its head and swallow me whole now that you are away. Then I think back to all the places in my life you have filled, and that fear retreats. What about you banishes every trace of darkness even when you are not present? Do I do the same for you?
His hand then lifts from the page and moves to the inkwell before dipping its tip into the jet black liquid. Swirling it around momentarily, Dimitri's mind begins to wander. For several moments only his hand as it swirls the quill in ink breaks the room's stillness. When finally his musings finish, he raised the quill and tapped it against the inkwell's edge before continuing to scratch but with more fluid strokes that seem almost like his own as they caress the page.
How innocent we were when we first confessed. I, so new to love, and you so strong in your assurance that the simple touch of your hand in mine was enough to bring me to awe. Now my ravenous and selfish body screams for so much more. It is like my nerves are exposed, and even the slightest touch is searing. Without you here to calm them, even the soft breeze through the window becomes an agony to bear. Yet, even so, all I can think of now is the color of your raven hair as it slips through my fingers. At the same time, you curl against me in bed or press your bosom against me as your arms wrap around my neck, and I kiss you softly and sweetly, my tongue darting out to taste your honeyed sweetness like a hummingbird.
Shifting slightly as his body groans in protest while his desire claws at him to take hold, Dimitri does his best to ignore it as his penmanship becomes more jagged and the ink marks darker.
Though I knew it would not be easy to be without you physically, I had not anticipated my body's rage at being denied you. My lips are split, and my throat is dry from the moisture I can no longer coat them in as the kisses you give me remain a memory. No liquid can soothe me nor sustain me, so I suffer from dehydration of the soul and body. My arms bear the weight of my burdens, but they find no respite like they do wrapped around you, cradling you in the gentleness only you receive. I even miss teasing you about your height though you are not much shorter than me making my body feel small now as it crumples in on itself from the weight of regret and anxiousness, I think, with you being gone. Will you still see me as the man you love when you return, or will you have found a greater purpose leaving our matrimony a shell of stature and convenience?
It is so hard to navigate these fears and trepidations alone but I find some small comfort in knowing that you will return to the kingdom and me once your mission is complete. Though I know not how long that will be, I know that it will one day come to pass. It is hard to see how much of a child I still am. Being with you, I find myself unable to shed the demeanor of my younger self as he approached such complex things as emotions. Having experienced death before even experiencing the concept of life, I now relive those stolen moments lost in your eyes, entranced by your voice, and buried in your body until all I can breathe, all I can sense is your fertility and acceptance, which has become like a drug.
Ana, my beloved Ana, what you have done to me rips me of my pretenses, shreds me into pieces until your essence becomes the only thing holding me together, yet in doing so, I have become less worthy, not greater of the love you continuously bless upon me. To think there could have been a time when our paths never aligned and I died without knowing your salvation... A time where you walked past and let me whither into my darkness without shedding your effervescence onto me. The thought makes my heart stop.
I will never be worthy of you, yet I will give every last drop of myself to your service and shower you with every ounce of love and devotion until I am mute and blind, for you are my grail, Ana. Without you, I have no youth. Without you, I have no hope. Without you, there is only emptiness.
Closing his eyes, Dimitri breathed in deeply and slowly, doing his best not to seek remnants of her scent within the cracks of the room now void of her presence. Holding the breath in and feeling the pounding of his heart throwing itself against his chest in much the same way his emotions and sanity beat at the confines of his body, he let the breath out slowly only when dots began to appear behind the blackness of his lids.
You and I have always kept our carnality private and our affections public and discrete. Still, my soul and this papyrus do not carry the same restrictions, so I will bear myself in much the same way as I do night after night while your nails tear down my back and my teeth sink into your neck, making you mewl. I crave you. For the last four days, I have been a man slowly teasing madness as my body aches and yearns for the validation only you can give. Having you beneath me, next to me, claimed by my body and lips and words, I am whole and in possession of the greatest treasure a man can have. As you ride away from me, I imagine myself a dragon whose treasure has been stolen and its lair barren, raging against the cruel injustice it has rightfully claimed. Have you come to love me so deeply? Does your body only desire my touch? Would you shun me if, upon seeing you, I whisked you away to some dark stairwell and took you in its shadows, leaching you of the insanity that distance has infected us with?
It is, of course, easier to ask forgiveness than permission which is why I allow the words to be my confession and you my salvation. Please, Ana, come back to me quickly and safely, for I fear my body betraying me and losing your tangibility, leaving ghost touches and haunting whispers similar to those that plagued me prior. Come back and be my light so the rest of the world can remain in the shadow of our unbridled flame.
Forever yours
Your beloved
In adoration of you
Your Star Crossed Lover and Adoring Husband,
Dimitri
Setting the pen down he reached toward the talc which he tapped on the ink carefully forcing it to dry. Shifting the page back and forth he then curled it after several minutes and discarded the substance into the waste bin by his desk before folding it carefully and reaching for the wax. Was it too mundane to say such things and then seal the letter so formally? Should he not provide evidence of his true desire and wish to have her return and remain a part of his existence eternally?
Looking around the room his eyes fell in her vanity. Knowing exactly where she kept everything and making sure she always had replacements for anything she needed before asking he knew exactly where her favorite gloss was. Carefully lacing the folded letter in the envelope he left it to rest before rising and walking to her vanity drawers pulling the smallest open and retrieving the gloss from within. Being careful to open it and not to damage or spill it he placed his unfolded finger upon the open vial and collected some oil before bringing it to his lips and applying it.
Not having the same sense of masculinity and propriety some men had after living in poverty and being raised in self loathing he felt no hesitation applying the oil before closing and replacing the vial. Wiping his finger on a cloth to remove the residue he returned to the desk abs and lifted the envelope before bringing it to his lips and kissing the base of the flap in place of the wax. With his lips now imprinted he let the envelope rest on the desk before taking the wax and readying it to apply it under the lip of the letter sealing it in a way his kiss would not be marred.
Meticulous and thorough in his application the letter sealed without marring thanks to a metal letter opener and Dimitri's skills with the hot wax making sure none bled unnecessarily. With the letter sealed he finished dressing and gave one last glance outside the window before leaving the bedroom to mail it himself.
Ever the knight. Always the gentleman. Forever the lover. Never the abandoner. Her king now and forever. His queen even in death.
