The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Ghosts characters is out in the woods somewhere. Just more musings from my mind on what happened in the woods centuries ago with three certain ghosts.
Witness To A Duel
"I spy with my little eye…" Isaac looked around the forest where the three ghosts resided. "Something beginning with L."
"Leaves," Both Thorfinn and Sasappis sighed.
"Yes," Isaac sighed.
"I spy with my little eye," Sasappis looked around. "Something beginning with T."
"Trees," Thorfinn and Isaac said as one.
"Thor spies with his eye…" Thorfinn looked around. "Something beginning with Letter M!"
"Moss," Sasappis guessed.
"Mold?" Isaac guessed.
"No," Thorfinn shook his head.
"Mouse?" Sasappis asked.
"No, that mouse is dead," Thorfinn explained as he pointed. "Thor would have said D for dead mouse."
"Uh meadow?" Isaac asked.
"No," Thorfinn shook his head.
"Okay I'm stumped," Sasappis admitted. "What is it?"
"More trees!" Thorfinn said proudly. "Ha! Thor is good at this game!"
"Well, this is a fun way to pass the time," Isaac grumbled. "Hang on. I hear something over there."
They went to investigate in a nearby clearing and found five men in colonial garb standing there. They were investigating some hand-held pistols and putting ammunition in them.
"Is this another battle?" Thorfinn asked.
"What's going on?" Sasappis asked.
"I believe they are going to have a duel," Isaac realized. "Ooh! This must be serious!"
"You mean like a fight for honor?" Thorfinn asked.
"Yes, exactly," Isaac nodded. "I wonder what this duel is about? Maybe one of them slept with another one's wife? Oh! It could be about a political thing? Or something else scandalous!"
"Why don't they just talk out their differences with a mediator?" Sasappis asked. "That's what we did in my tribe."
"But then nobody gets killed," Thorfinn remarked. "Where's the fun in that?"
"This is how civilized men deal with conflict," Isaac explained.
"By trying to kill each other?" Sasappis looked at him. "Yeah, that's civilized!"
"Thomas! John!" One of the men called out. "Now before we go through with this, I feel it is my duty to try and find reason."
"Reason?" One of the men huffed. "There is no reason! My honor has been besmirched!"
"As has mine," Another man said.
"Technically no, Thomas," The first man spoke up. "You're the one John called out for insulting his honor."
"Dr. Woodstone, I feel that my honor has been besmirched for him saying that I besmirched his honor!" Thomas snapped.
"Now my honor has been doubly besmirched by this cretin saying that his honor was besmirched," John snapped.
"Fine!" Thomas snapped. "My honor has been triply…triple? I've been besmirched three times by you!"
"You should have thought of your honor when you seduced my Mary Beth!" John shouted.
"GASP!" Isaac gasped. "What? Neither of you are gaspers?"
"I did not seduce your Mary Beth," Thomas snapped. "She came to me willingly!"
"Oh, likely story!" John snapped. "So Mary Beth just happened to wander over into your barn!"
"You're the one who left the gate open!" Thomas told him.
"I saw what you did!" John snapped. "I saw you fondling her!"
"I was petting her!" Thomas snapped.
"Oh likely story!" John protested.
"She has such soft white wool I couldn't help myself!" Thomas shouted.
"Wool?" The three ghosts said as one.
"I know you can't help yourself when it comes to another man's sheep!" John snapped.
"A sheep?" Isaac shouted. "This duel is over a sheep?"
"Oh, this is very civilized," Sasappis quipped.
"You have no proof that I did anything inappropriate with a farm animal!" Thomas shouted.
"Then why were your pants around your ankles?" John shouted.
"And now it's gotten very disturbing," Sasappis winced.
"Okay this part is not civilized," Isaac winced. "I freely admit that."
"AGAIN, NO PROOF I HAD SEX WITH YOUR SHEEP!" Thomas shouted. "I did however have sex with your wife!"
"Well, who cares about that?" John snapped.
"SERIOUSLY?" Isaac shouted.
"A man's farm animal is his pride!" John told Thomas.
"And a man can't go around letting another man accuse him of having sex with animals!" Thomas bristled. "It hurts his reputation with the ladies!"
"Yeah, I bet all the other ewes get jealous!" John snapped.
"Again, I did not have sex with any animal!" Thomas protested. "I did however also have sex with John's daughter."
"Which one?" John asked. "The stupid one or the ugly one?"
"Both of them actually," Thomas coughed.
"Eh," John waved. "But putting your hands on my sheep is where I draw the line!"
"Nice to know he draws the line somewhere," Sasappis quipped.
"I have not wronged you and I will prove it in combat," Thomas spoke up. "Other than the fact that I slept with your wife, your daughters, your Aunt Prudence and your cousin."
"You forgot about my sister," John added.
"Ugh I wish I could," Thomas shuddered. "She's horrible."
"I know right?" John asked.
"Okay are you sure this is about the sheep?" Isaac called out. "Because it sounds to me there's a few other issues you might be having with Thomas here."
"You know his sister is my wife, right?" One of the other men spoke up.
"Shut up Henry!" Thomas snapped. "This isn't about you!"
"Why do you always do that?" John asked. "Always making up drama about yourself?"
"Yeah, keep your mouth shut Henry!" The remaining man shouted.
"Shut up George!" Henry shouted.
"You shut up!" George challenged.
"All of you shut up!" Dr. Woodstone snapped. "Look I have to amputate someone's leg in an hour. Can we get on with this?"
"Very well," John remarked as he held his pistol. "Henry you are my second."
"George you are my second," Thomas added as he held his.
"Then let me take a second to explain the rules," Dr. Woodstone began.
"We know the rules," Thomas remarked as he casually waved his pistol.
"Yes, any idiot knows the rules!" John said as he waved his pistol. "We count to twenty paces and…"
BANG! BANG!
Both men realized they carelessly shot each other in the chest. "Oops…" Thomas blinked before he fell to the ground.
"Oh no…" John realized before he did the same.
"This is why it's a good idea to go over the rules," Dr. Woodstone sighed.
"Stupidest duel, ever," Isaac groaned.
The spirits of the men exited their bodies and hovered in the air as the livings attended to them. "Well, this took a turn," John remarked.
"Probably should have listened to the rules first," Thomas remarked.
"That would have been a good idea," Isaac remarked.
Thomas then noticed the ghosts. "Who are you guys?"
"We're ghosts," Sasappis told them. "We've been haunting this land for hundreds of years."
"Except me," Isaac said. "I'm new. Just out of curiosity how is the war for independence going? I died about four years ago and I really would like to know what happened."
"Hey uh Thomas," John spoke up. "I think we took this a bit too far."
"You think?" Sasappis remarked.
"John, I swear I didn't have sex with your sheep," Thomas told him. "I just needed her wool for toilet paper because I…You know?"
"Oh," John remarked. "Oh, I've done that. That's no big deal. Why didn't you just say that?"
"You didn't give me a chance!" Thomas protested.
"Oh," John remarked. "Yeah, I do jump to conclusions."
"I feel really stupid now," Thomas remarked.
"You should," Sasappis told him.
"Sorry about killing you," Thomas said to John.
"Sorry about killing you," John said to Thomas.
And in a flash, they went up.
"Oh, come on!" Isaac shouted. "Why did they go up? They're degenerates!"
"Technically only Thomas was degenerate," Thorfinn remarked. "Just saying…"
"I think they were too stupid to be ghosts," Sasappis remarked. "Wait, something is happening."
Both George and Henry were shoving each other. "I knew it was you!" George shouted. "I knew it was you who slept with my wife!"
"So what if it was?" Henry snapped. "What are you going to do about it?"
"I demand satisfaction!" George snapped. "I challenge you to a duel!"
"Oh good!" Thorfinn grinned. "Double duel!"
"I just hope this show is better than the last one," Isaac groaned.
"I accept!" Henry shouted. "Dr. Woodstone…"
"Fine, I can wait a few more minutes," Dr. Woodstone sighed. "Gangrene doesn't move that fast."
Dr. Woodstone collected the two pistols from the corpses. "Now do me a favor and let me go over the rules this time!"
"Oh yes you should go over the rules!" George snapped. "Because clearly Henry can't follow them!"
"You're going to put all the blame on me and not your wife?" Henry asked.
"Oh, I do blame her," George snapped. "I'll deal with her after I deal with you! I demand satisfaction!"
"Funny that's what your wife said to me," Henry quipped.
"Ooooh!" The ghosts said in unison.
"That was good!" Isaac nodded. "Me-ow!"
"You bastard!" George snarled.
"To be fair you can have my wife," Henry said. "I hate her!"
"I did have your wife!" George snapped. "And she's horrible."
"Well, you see my point then," Henry shrugged.
"All right enough!" Dr. Woodstone snapped. "Now listen! I'm going over the rules! I count to three. You turn and walk twenty paces. After the count of twenty, you turn and fire. Got it? Twenty paces exactly! Do not turn and fire before the count of twenty! Do not wait until the count of nineteen to turn and fire."
"What about nineteen and a half?" George asked.
"NO!" Dr. Woodstone snapped. "I count to twenty. You walk twenty paces. Then you turn and fire! Got it?"
"I think so…" Henry blinked. "Hang on. Do we turn on exactly the count of twenty? Or do we wait a second and then turn?"
"Another question," George added. "Could you just say the word turn after the count of twenty?"
"That would make things easier," Henry nodded.
"God, I hate you both," Dr. Woodstone sighed. "Fine! I'll say turn and then you turn and fire."
"After you count to twenty?" Henry asked.
"YES!" Dr. Woodstone shouted. "All right! Gentlemen stand back-to-back!"
"Hang on," Henry spoke up. "I'm not sure both of our pistols are loaded."
"They're loaded," George told him. "Or at least I'm pretty sure mine is."
"Let me check," Henry looked down the barrel of his pistol.
"No, you fool don't…" Dr. Woodstone began.
BANG!
"You have got to be kidding me," Sasappis blinked as Henry dropped dead to the ground.
"They just don't have duels like they used to anymore," Isaac sighed.
Henry's spirit left his body. "Oh…That was not a smart thing to do."
"Excuse me," Isaac said. "Hello! We're ghosts! If you don't mind, could you please tell us what's going on with the war?"
Henry looked at the ghosts and suddenly his spirit flew off upwards. "Hey!" Isaac shouted. "I asked you a question!"
"What was the rush?" Thorfinn asked.
"Yeah, he had all of eternity and he couldn't stick around for three minutes?" Sasappis asked.
"I know right?" Isaac agreed. "It's just a simple question that could have taken a minute to answer."
"Very rude," Thorfinn snorted.
"He was, wasn't he?" Isaac remarked.
"He's dead," Dr. Woodstone sighed. "Do you have your satisfaction, George?"
"Honestly?" George shrugged as he handed Dr. Woodstone his pistol. "Ehhh…But I will have satisfaction once I take his wallet for my own."
"Yeah, about that," Dr. Woodstone took the pistol and fired it at George in the heart, killing him instantly.
"Oh my God!" Isaac gasped. He looked at the other two. "Seriously? You guys aren't going to gasp at that?"
"That did take a turn," Sasappis remarked.
George's spirit then left his body. "What in the world…"
"Okay quick intro," Isaac said quickly. "We're ghosts trapped in this forest. You could please quickly tell us..."
George's spirit went up. "Aboutthewar!" Isaac said as fast as possible. "Come on!"
"Again," Sasappis remarked. "What was the rush?"
"Oh, for the record," Dr. Woodstone said to the dead man. "I also slept with both your wives. And I must admit that George yours is the better one. Not much better but better."
That was when Dr. Woodstone started rifling through the dead men's pockets and taking their belongings for his own. "Oh yeah this is civilized!" Sasappis groaned.
"Anybody asks, they killed themselves," Dr. Woodstone remarked as he left. "Everyone knows these four are idiots. They'll believe it." He ran off and left the bodies behind.
Isaac looked at the dead bodies. "Now what?"
"Something tells me it's going to be a while before anyone finds them," Sasappis remarked.
"Can we all agree we tell nobody about this stupid duel?" Thorfinn asked.
"Agreed!" Isaac nodded.
"Yeah, this is just too disturbing even for me to repeat," Sasappis nodded. "Not that we can tell anyone anyway…"
"Well," Isaac sighed. "Back to the game, shall we? I spy with my little eye something beginning with I."
"Idiots," Sasappis and Thorfinn guessed.
"Correct," Isaac nodded.
"Thor spy with his eye something beginning with D," Thorfinn spoke up.
"Dead idiots," Sasappis and Isaac guessed.
"Uh huh," Thorfinn nodded.
