Author's note: Looks like romance is not exactly my genre to write. So, I guess I'll stick with McDanno friendship.
Steve left the bathroom, went straight for his bed, took of his shoes, socks and pants, lay down and closed his eyes.
Danny who had started to make himself comfortable on the couch after he had seen what Steve was up to, said "Good night, Steve."
"Good night, Danny," Steve answered. Then his eyes shot open. "Danny?" he asked and squinted his eyes "What are you doing?"
"Trying to get some shut eye."
"On the couch?" Steve asked confused.
"Where else? On the floor?" Danny bit back.
"No. Bed."
"You just said the bed isn't big enough for two."
"'course it is," Steve answered slurring a bit.
"You sure?"
"'m sure."
Danny took his pillow and blanket, walked over to the bed and made himself comfortable.
"Good night, Steve," he repeated his earlier word.
"'night Danny. Th'nks for comin'."
All that Danny heard after that was slight snoring.
The soft and even sound made him fall asleep soon after.
He didn't know how long he had slept but he got woken up by Steve's mumbling "No. No, mom. No."
Danny got up, rounded the bed and switched the light beside his friend's bed on. He started to talk in a low voice, tried to wake Steve up.
But Steve didn't wake. His mumbling just got more and more incoherent until it died down completely and he was back to a deep sleep.
Danny left the small light on and went back to bed.
It wasn't long though until Steve's voice woke him up once more.
"Where is she?" Then again "mom, where is she?". Then Steve's body twitched and he jerked awake.
He sat up and looked around trying to orient himself.
When he recognized Danny standing in front of the bed the latter said "Steve, buddy. It's okay. It was a dream."
"No. It wasn't. It…it was real. My mom. She…she's dead. I got her killed."
"No babe, you didn't. It was Carmen Lucia. And your mom…she helped a lot."
"She stayed on target. If I hadn't tried to contact her, she would still be alive. I shouldn't have trusted the agency people. I should have trusted my mother."
"Don't do that Steve. You had no reason to trust her at all. She had done nothing but lying to you. And she never would have stopped working for the agency.
She probably had loved you and Mary but she never would have given up that job."
Steve nodded. "Yeah, probably," he said sadly.
"It was not your fault. Now, get back to sleep. It's what you really need."
"Do you wake me again when the next dream is coming?"
"If you want that, I will."
"Yes, I want it. Thanks Danny."
There were about five more dreams.
Every time it happened Danny woke up. Then he woke Steve up.
They talked for a while but went back to sleep afterwards.
It was an uneasy night for the both of them and at around 8 am Steve had enough of the nightmares. He got up. That woke Danny up too.
"I am sorry, Danny. Didn't want to wake you. Again. Go back to sleep. You need it."
"You need that too."
"Yeah. Can't do it though. Every time I close my eyes, I see my mother die…or my father…or Freddie."
"I am sorry, Steve. Is there anything I can do for you?"
"No. Thanks. You are here. That helps. Means a lot. Thanks again."
"Anytime. What are you up to?"
"Don't know. Just don't want to see anymore…scenes."
"What about breakfast?"
"Not hungry."
"When was the last time you ate?"
"I don't know…but I'm still not hungry. I am…I am just tired Danny. Tired and…lost."
"I know you are tired. But you are not lost and you are also not alone. I am here. The team will be there for you when we are back. You don't have to go through that on your own. You have a family who cares."
"I know…and I am thankful for you all. But…I still feel lost. I…I don't know what to do…how to...to tell Mary. How to go on in general right now." Steve shrugged and then he winced.
"Hey," Danny got up. "How about you take some of the pain medication you've got from the hospital. Then we order some breakfast. Maybe you get some appetite when you see food. If not, you can at least drink something.
Then I take a look at your wound…"
"It's fine Danny." Steve interrupted.
"No, it is not. You are hurting. I can see that. I know it is a through and through, nothing serious is damaged and you had worse. But it still is a gun shot wound. And you didn't get the sling for nothing. The fact that you are still wearing it, shows me that you are hurting. So?"
Steve nodded "okay".
Steve managed a few bites of a sandwich a glass of orange juice and a few sips of a coffee before he had to get up to go to the bathroom to vomit.
When he came back Danny asked "You okay? I mean, uh, do you think you need to vomit again or are you done?"
"Don't know," Steve answered and sat down on the bed. He wiped his hands across his face and said "I don't feel good. I think I lie down again."
"Okay," Danny said sympathetically. "Tell me if I can do something for you."
"I will." He lay down and closed his eyes.
But just like during the night the bad dreams returned shortly after he had fallen asleep.
After the short und fitful night Danny had dozed off on the couch. He jerked awake when he heard Steve sob "I love you mom."
Danny got up to help his friend. Halfway there he heard "no, no mom, mom!"
"Steve! Wake up!" Danny called out. "Come on, buddy."
Steve jerked awake, hissing in pain and stared at Danny for a few seconds. When his memory came back, he said "sorry Danny."
"No need to. Just talk to me."
"There is nothing to talk about. I mean there is but I've already told you everything.
I just need to cope with the consequences now."
"It's not your fault," Danny repeated his earlier phrase.
"You've already told me that. And you are probably right, but maybe you are not. I don't know Danny. I don't know anything at the moment. And I am too tired to think about it."
He stood up, hissed again and went to the bathroom.
When he hadn't come back 10 minutes later, Danny got concerned.
"Hey babe. You good in there?"
Steve opened the door. "Yeah, just trying to shave. I am good, Danny. Don't worry."
"Okay. Let me know if I can help you."
Twenty minutes later Steve came out. He looked a bit younger without the beard, but it made the bags under his eyes, the fatigue and his pale complexion stand out even more.
"Uh, Danny?" he asked a little awkwardly.
"Yes, Steve."
"Can…can you have a look at my wound?"
"Does it feel like something is wrong?"
"No. Maybe. It just hurt more than it should…or I had expected."
"That's because you regurgitated your painkillers. But let me take a look."
After Steve had removed his sling, Danny helped him to get out of his shirt to minimize the movement. He removed the patch and looked at both the entry and the exit wound.
"Looks good to me. It's still a little red and swollen but it is not infected."
"Thanks."
"No problem.
You think you can sit like this for a few minutes?"
"Yeah, sure. Why?"
"Because I'll go to the drugstore next door, get some supplies, so I can rebandage properly."
Danny returned 25 minutes later with a little paper bag.
He opened the door and found Steve standing in front of the minibar taking out a bottle. Danny was about to say that alcohol wouldn't change anything when he saw his friend was retrieving a bottle of water.
Obviously Steve hadn't heard Danny enter though, because he jerked when the latter said "sorry, took longer than I thought."
Steve had recovered pretty quick and said "no problem. I was just thirsty and needed something cold."
"Got some appetite too?"
"No."
"You need to eat Steve."
"I know. I just can't."
"Still feeling nauseous?"
"No. But thinking of food makes me."
"Okay. Let's take care of that wound first then about everything else."
Although Danny applied the antiseptic cream carefully, Steve hissed a few times.
Danny covered the wound again and helped his friend back into his shirt. The moment his good arm was in the sleeve a shiver went through his body.
"Hey, what was that?" Danny asked. "You cold?"
"No. Not really. But I don't feel exactly warm either."
"You are completely worn out, Steve. You need rest."
"I know that, Danny! I know I need to eat! I know I need to sleep! Okay?!" Steve yelled then continued in a normal volume "I…I…I am sorry Danny. I know you mean well and I know you are right," then almost in a whisper "there is nothing I want more but eating makes me throw up and sleeping brings nothing but nightmares."
Tears were building up in his exes but they didn't fall. "She wasn't a good mother, but she hadn't deserved this either."
"No, she didn't. But it still wasn't your fault."
"Then why can't I stop thinking 'what if I had ignored the agency? What if I hadn't interfered? Would she still be alive?'"
"Because you always question your own actions when something goes wrong. To do that is good but it is not always your fault.
And yes, she still might be alive, but the next mission would have most likely been her last – or the next. She never would have stopped. This is what I wanted to explain to you earlier. She had the chance to stop this kind of life. She had the chance to stop Wo Fat and everything that had happened to you, but she chose the other path."
Steve looked intensely at Danny for a few seconds before he nodded and said in a low and sad voice "I know. I just had never lost hope that she would return home for good and show Mary and me the love she had thought she had shown us with faking her own death - to let us live in peace.
All those years she knew it hadn't worked out, had just brought nothing but sorrow and death into our whole family.
I…I just thought she would learn from that."
"I am sorry buddy. You and Mary deserved much better."
The friends fell silent for a few minutes, both lost in their own thoughts but both thinking about the same: Doris McGarrett, her actions and the consequences it had for her family.
It was Danny who talked again first.
"Hey, the pharmacist gave me two more things. First, something against nausea. It helps in a few minutes – no side effects known.
If you have eaten you can take one of your painkillers. If that starts to work you can take a sleeping pill." When Steve wanted to interrupt, Danny raised a hand and said "no. There are no interactions between the medications. I showed him what the hospital provided you with. But you can sleep – deep and dreamless. He promised."
"Of course, he did. He wants to sell."
"Yes, that's his job. But he really took his time to find the right meds and explain things. You know I can assess people and I trust his words."
"And I trust you – and your judgement."
Everything worked out the way the pharmacist had said.
It was already early afternoon and Steve had slept for almost two hours when Lou Grover called.
"Danny. Hey. The team is here too. How is our man?"
"Not good," Danny answered. "He's hurt – physically and even more mentally. He is totally exhausted and most likely beyond his limit.
It looks like he has finally come to rest though.
We won't take a flight today. Maybe not even tomorrow. He needs some time.
When we come home, he will need some more of that. I know you are all worried but do him a favor and don't show up on his doorstep the day we arrive.
Give him space. Send a text or two – not more. Show him you are there for him but don't intrude and don't force anything. Don't tell him that he needs time. He knows. But he will still do things his way."
"Yeah, we know. Tell him we are here if he needs us."
"He knows that too. But I will tell him anyway. See you soon."
Steve slept for almost 22 hours but he was still tired – but also hungry.
He ate two big sandwiches and to Danny's dismay a half pineapple.
He also had two glasses of orange juice, a coffee and a bottle of water.
After that he slept another three hours on the couch.
Another look at the gun shot wound showed that it was healing well – still no infection and the redness as well as the swelling had gone down significantly.
The two friends went out for dinner.
Steve had no problems to pay for it all. Danny was asking himself if the problem with paying was reserved for drinks because it wasn't the first time Steve's wallet came out easily for food.
After both men had a long and peaceful night, they stayed another day in Washington before making reservations for a flight home.
Steve was still far from good but Danny hoped he was on the right path now and he had made sure that his best friend would come back safely.
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