Another Fear
XXX
So, here I am with another Death Note fic because I felt like it.
I pretty much wrote this because I like to project onto my favorite characters a lot, and I went through getting surgery for thyroid cancer about a year ago (I actually wrote this story about a month after the surgery, so it's been a while).
Also, this fic takes place somewhere around the Yotsuba Arc. Pretty much, they're at the task force headquarters (but Aizawa is still there). I am once again also ignoring the handcuffs thing because I think it's kinda dumb, so.
In case you ignored the tags-
WARNINGS: Detailed descriptions of medical procedures and needles
XXX
L was far from fearless, which may not seem to be the case at first glance, but it appeared rather obvious once one took a closer look.
To begin with, L was afraid (terrified) of being killed on the job. That was why he took such great care to keep his identity a secret- the harder it was to find him or anything about him, the harder it would be for someone to kill him. Beyond protecting himself physically, it was a step to help assuage some of the terror brought about by doing his job.
Despite his very real fear- bordering on paranoia at times, though he didn't think it quite counted as paranoia when the danger was fact rather than a delusion- he doubted most people would believe him if he revealed his fear. Watari, of course, knew and understood his fear, but the other members of the task force likely wouldn't quite get it beyond an understanding that most people feared dying, the way that they feared dying. Some people, of the few that met L (as L or otherwise), even believed that L didn't value his own life- which was far from true. L valued his life greatly, even if the reason he valued it was frequently more because of his value as a detective than as a person.
That particular view of him being ambivalent about his own life was a big part of the reason that L had told the other Kira Task Force members 'to value our lives'. The most important part was making sure they were careful, but he also didn't want to give them the idea that he was going to be careless with his own life. L was willing to die for the Kira case- in fact, he almost assumed it would happen- but that did not, in any way, mean that he wanted to die, nor that he would carelessly allow it to happen.
Quite the opposite, really.
Ironically, it was this first fear that caused the second.
Put simply, L had very few social skills. That had always been the case, but it had only grown more apparent as he got older- he'd always had such a hard time making friends or even getting along with other people his age (or people of any age). Despite his intelligence and deductive skills, he always found it difficult to understand what other people expected of him in terms of social interaction, even though everybody else seemed to understand well enough. It was like everyone else had been given a rule book at birth that L had never been given, or at least, he'd never been given the same one.
His issues in this area, however, were exponentially exacerbated by his fear of dying and subsequent hiding away. As a younger teenager, he'd sort of started to get the hang of talking to people by observing what other people did, memorizing it, and copying them. It wasn't a perfect system, but it worked well enough. Once he'd gotten a little older, though, and he'd started working as L, the fear of getting killed kicked in, and he quickly ceased talking to most people other than Watari. Most of his social interaction came through a screen, without his face even being seen by the people he was talking to.
And the longer he went without even being near people for the most part, the more scared he became of them- of talking to them, being near them, knowing them. It had taken everything he had to meet the other task force members face to face, and he felt like the only reason he managed to pull it off without visibly freaking out was his general tendency toward blankness- both in his expression and his voice. The others probably hadn't noticed how nervous he was, despite his fidgeting, because they were so absorbed in meeting the world's greatest detective and on the case.
The next fear was his newest, though he still wasn't sure how justified the fear was:
Shinigami.
Shinigami had been a surprisingly relevant part of the Kira case almost since the beginning, and even though it made him feel a bit crazy, L was starting to believe they might exist more and more since then. Certain events just… made a lot more sense if a magical God of Death was involved. Most importantly, it would certainly explain Kira's powers better than any more reasonable theory seemed to. It would also explain why both Misa and Light apparently lost all their memories of being the first and second Kira (which he knew he was right about-he just needed to prove it).
The thought of Shinigami both existing and apparently interfering with human lives on such a grand scale was, in itself, horrifying. When you added in the fact that L was afraid to die, and Kira (who had a Shinigami on his side) wanted to kill him, it made the thought all the more terrifying.
So- it was safe to say he was afraid of Shinigami and that they were, unfortunately, quite likely to be real.
He was really hoping his predictions were wrong on that one, though.
L's last major fear was probably the worst, in terms of his reaction to it, at least. He was afraid of his other fears, but most of them were usually pushed back into a nervous hum in the back of his mind most of the time. It was only when he had a few minutes of free time and allowed himself to brood on them that they started to overcome him and drag him into a spiral of anxiety. They were always present, but usually at somewhat manageable levels.
His last fear, though- it was the opposite. For the most part, this fear was rather avoidable by nature, so he didn't even have to partially think about it most of the time. L rarely had to face it, so it got pushed off his radar.
When he did have to face it, however- when he could avoid it no longer, when it was necessary- his reaction was far more severe.
This was unpleasant on two fronts: the first front being the fact that the experience itself felt absolutely terrible and could leave him shaken up for hours if not days, and the second being that his reaction, at his age, was rather embarrassing (which, incidentally, also fed into the fear of people because it was a scenario in which he knew that other people were looking at him and judging him).
One might say that this fear was a full-blown phobia.
One might say this because it had gotten to be enough of a problem that Watari had once hired a therapist for him, and the therapist told him it was a phobia.
One might also say that, since he'd gone to a therapist about it, he should no longer have the phobia, but that wasn't really how it worked (not for him, at least). The phobia was- surprising to any who witnessed him in a situation involving it- a lot better than it had been, and he had some tools now that allowed him to just barely get through the experience, but he was far from cured.
Unfortunately for L (as well as anyone else involved), he was about to be forced to face his phobia yet again.
"Ryuzaki," Watari questioned, his voice quiet. "Are you prepared for tomorrow?"
L frowned, as he was not in any way prepared- though he doubted he ever would be.
Adding to L's misfortune, Aizawa apparently had good hearing, because he heard Watari.
"Tomorrow? What's tomorrow?" Aizawa asked. "You aren't planning something big, are you?"
Of course, the man thought that this was related to the case. He hoped it stayed that way, even though he knew that was unlikely.
Watari raised an eyebrow.
"You didn't tell them?" Watari questioned, slightly surprised.
"Didn't tell us what?" Light piped up.
Frowning, Watari spoke again:
"Ryuzaki, though I would normally agree with keeping such things private, I do believe that you should at least notify the rest of the task force that you will be unavailable tomorrow, and possibly the entire week following."
"Wait, what?!" Aizawa exclaimed. "We're in the middle of a serious investigation, and he's just going to disappear for a week?!"
Watari put up a hand in a placating gesture.
"You misunderstand me," he replied. "Ryuzaki will most definitely be unavailable the entire day tomorrow, but he will be back here by nightfall. And though he should be unavailable for at least the next few days, he will likely try to return to working on the case as soon as he is physically able to."
This, of course, made the entire task force stare at them with crinkled brows.
And because nothing could go well for him, Matsuda had to have a sudden sliver of insight.
"Wait, is something wrong?" the man questioned. "You aren't sick, are you?"
"He's not sick, Matsuda," Aizawa told him. "You can't plan being sick."
"But Watari said he would try to return to work 'as soon as he is physically able to'. Doesn't that sound like he's sick?!" Matsuda argued.
"I'm not sick," L confirmed.
Because he wasn't. Not really.
"See?"
"Hm," Soichiro hummed. "Is there a problem, though, Ryuzaki? Do you have to work on another case?"
L sighed, putting an absent hand up to his throat.
"No, whenever I have another case, I just work on it when we have to wait to work on the Kira case for some reason or other," L answered, not wanting them to think he was brushing off the Kira case in favor of another, even though he didn't particularly want to give them any more clues.
It was then that L noticed Light staring at him, his eyes far too observant for L's liking.
"I would think it's either something he has to go far away for, like a funeral," he said. "Or maybe some kind of medical procedure."
And at Light's words, L suddenly grew stiff and cold.
"Oh, I'm right, aren't I?" Light asked, noticing the subtle change in L's body.
And damn it, Light did look concerned, but L didn't have the motivation to determine how much of it was real right now (he was pretty sure Light was not currently Kira, but even Light himself seemed to use a lot of manipulation- even if it was less deadly manipulation- and even if some of his concern was genuine sometimes, it was fake just as often, and he really didn't feel like parsing that out when his heart was beginning to speed up).
"Oh no," Matsuda exclaimed, his concern being more easy to determine as real. "I'm sorry, for whichever one it is."
"Don't apologize before you know what it even is, Matsuda," Aizawa chided, though not too harshly. "So, which is it, then? I mean, it's gotta be important if you're going to be MIA for a week, right?"
"Aizawa," Soichiro spoke, a slight warning in his tone.
At this, Watari sighed, glancing at L.
"Would you like to tell them, or should I?"
L grimaced, glaring pointedly at the floor.
"You tell them," he huffed. "But don't add anything unnecessary."
He gave a short nod.
"Ryuzaki will be getting surgery tomorrow, which is why he will be unavailable," the older man explained. "It will be in the morning, but he will be out of it for a while after, and then he will need to recover."
The room was silent for a long moment.
"Oh, so that's why you haven't been eating sweets for the past hour or so," Light realized. "You have to fast before your surgery, right?"
"Light," Soichiro warned again, apparently thinking that Light had been rude.
Light was, however, only half right. L did have to fast before the procedure, but he didn't have to start fasting yet, since it was only about six pm, and he didn't have to fast until midnight. The reality was that the anxiety about going to the hospital was making him too nauseous to eat.
"I really am sorry, then, Ryuzaki," Matsuda repeated himself. "Getting surgery sucks. It isn't too serious, is it?"
"No, I'm fine."
Watari frowned at him, but didn't say anything.
That didn't stop Aizawa from saying something, though.
"If you're fine, why do you need surgery?"
And Aizawa wasn't even being particularly accusatory or anything this time, but L was already wound up and he didn't want to discuss this anymore.
"None of your business. Let's just get back to working on the case before I'm gone and you have to rely on Light to figure things out," he hissed.
And L knew he was being too snappy with them, but he really didn't want to talk about it. He didn't even want to acknowledge it until the last possible second. He certainly didn't want to discuss it with them, especially with Light sitting right there (because, even though Light probably wasn't currently Kira, that didn't mean that he couldn't become Kira again and use the information against him).
"Hold on," Light denied. "If you're getting surgery, who's going to watch me? Watari?"
"I will be accompanying Ryuzaki to the hospital," Watari told him. "I believe the plan was to leave you with the other task force members and to keep the cameras on you at all times so Ryuzaki could watch the footage afterward."
"... I'm surprised Ryuzaki is okay with that, considering how insistent he was on keeping an eye on me. I'm surprised he didn't chain himself to me," Light mused.
"I'm not," L shot back. "In fact, I should just cancel the surgery. It's not that important, so I should probably prioritize watching our number one suspect."
L knew before he even said it that it wasn't going to work.
That didn't mean he wasn't going to try, though, even if his chances of success were less than 1%.
"It certainly is important, and you're not getting out of it," Watari denied firmly. "Everyone else here is a competent police officer, and they're more than capable of watching a singular young man for a few days."
L was too busy trying to push down the anxiety to pay attention to Aizawa's scoff at Matsuda being a 'competent police officer'. He didn't want to talk about this anymore.
"Actually, now that we're on the subject, is this why you've been leaving the headquarters more lately?" Light asked. "There was a whole day you were gone a few weeks ago, too."
"I just assumed he crashed after staying up too long…"
He didn't want to talk about this anymore.
"Is there anything we need to do to help? Besides watching Light?"
He didn't want to talk about this anymore.
"No, I will take care of it. But the sentiment is appreciated."
He couldn't talk about this anymore.
"WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP?!"
And suddenly everyone in the room froze, but L didn't even notice. Instead, he curled up into an even tighter ball in his chair, digging his nails into the fabric of his jeans as his heartbeat sped up. He had to actively remind himself that he wasn't having a heart attack, that this wasn't what a heart attack felt like, to keep it from getting even faster.
"I'm sorry," Watari apologized. "But this is… a sensitive topic for Ryuzaki. It's best we drop it for now, yes?"
And with Watari's suggestion, the other task force members dropped the conversation, even if a bit reluctantly, and went back to working on the case. L, however, despite wanting to go back to working on the case, couldn't. It took a long time for him to get his heartbeat and breathing under control, and even then, he couldn't push down the anxiety even to what he had managed before, which made it too difficult for him to think. Even once he was able to start scrolling on his computer, he found it hard to read, let alone absorb anything. Silently, he thought it was funny that something like this could so easily defeat the world's greatest detective (or, the world's 3 greatest detectives) when so many people had tried and failed before.
It wasn't nearly funny enough to snap him out of his anxiety.
Eventually, the other task force members started to filter out of the building to go home, leaving L with just Light, and soon enough, Watari, who came in to insist that the two of them go to bed early because L had to get up first thing in the morning.
XXX
L couldn't sleep.
Of course, he normally didn't (couldn't) sleep anyway, so that wasn't surprising, but he couldn't even relax now.
But even still, L had slipped under the blankets because Watari had insisted on it, so he couldn't even try to get anything done before he was knocked out of commission for the next few days.
Making the situation even worse, Light had noticed just how anxious L was and, rather than ignoring it like any decent person, had decided he wanted to talk about it.
"Hey, Ryuzaki, it's okay to be nervous, you know?" Light spoke up in the darkness, from the bed next to L's.
"I'm not nervous, Light. And you should go to sleep," L argued.
"If you say so. But you should get to sleep too."
"Ah, yes, because I always sleep when I'm told to."
"You don't need to get so snippy," Light huffed. "It's not my fault you need to get surgery."
L didn't respond to that. Light was right, of course, since it wasn't really anyone's fault (even if he quite liked to blame people for it, especially the doctors), but he also didn't feel particularly bad for the unearned accusation considering the fact that he was literally talking to Kira.
Light, thankfully, went quiet for a while, which left L alone with his thoughts but also made it so he didn't have to talk about it.
Un-thankfully, once L thought that Light had finally fallen asleep, the younger man decided to open his mouth again.
"What kind of surgery are you getting, anyway?" Light questioned. "Like, it isn't something really serious, is it?"
"... Why would I tell Kira something like that? Maybe you'll use it against me," L spat back. "I think your Kira Percentage is rising."
Though L very much did fear Light using the information against him later, he only really said it out loud to annoy Light, hopefully annoy him enough to make him leave L alone.
"For the last time, I'm not Kira!" Light yelled back, getting angry as L had intended.
"We both know that isn't the last time you're going to say that."
L heard Light's bed creak. He'd probably just turned away from him.
"You're impossible!"
"Good night, Kira."
This was apparently enough to finally get Light off his case, as the other man didn't say anything else and eventually started snoring.
XXX
Soichiro Yagami woke up at a god-forsaken hour to his phone ringing. Quickly, so the sound wouldn't wake his wife, Soichiro grabbed the phone, got out of bed, and left the room. He answered the phone, noticing it was an unknown number, once he was out in the hallway and started walking toward the living room.
"Hello? This is Yagami speaking."
"Hello, Mr. Yagami," said the voice on the other line.
The voice was a bit hoarse and quiet, but Soichiro recognized it.
"Watari?" Soichiro questioned, lowering his own voice just in case.
"Yes. I'm sorry to have called you so early in the morning, but…," the older man spoke through the phone. "Well, a problem has come up. To be clear, I mean a problem with Ryuzaki's procedure, not the case."
"Oh?"
"Yes," Watari confirmed. "I'm afraid I've come down with a nasty cold, and I called the hospital to see if I would still be able to accompany Ryuzaki, but they told me I would not be allowed to because I might be contagious."
"I'm… I'm sorry to hear that," Soichiro responded, not knowing what else to say. "Will the procedure have to be rescheduled, then?"
"It's really too short notice to reschedule it now, and even if we could, I'd… really rather Ryuzaki get the surgery done as soon as possible," Watari explained. "It's not as if he'll die without getting the surgery immediately, but I'd rather not take the chance on leaving it so it can become a life or death issue. And I fear that if I push it off, it'll give Ryuzaki time to find a way to weasel out of it somehow."
"..."
Silently, Soichiro did agree that the older man was right about that.
"So…," Watari continued. "I really am sorry for it being on such short notice, but could you please accompany Ryuzaki today? You would have to bring him and stay with him until he goes into surgery and then bring him back to headquarters once he is released."
Soichiro thought for a moment.
"I suppose I don't mind if there isn't another option, but can't Ryuzaki go by himself?"
"... I'm afraid not. The hospital requires that you have someone there to bring you home after anesthesia, and even if they didn't… Well, Ryuzaki really needs to have someone there with him."
Thinking about how L behaved in public and the fact that the man was high on many criminals' revenge lists, Soichiro figured that the older man had a point. He also considered the fact that they had already hit a lull in the case, and without L there, there was a good chance that they wouldn't be able to get out of that lull anyway, regardless of whether Soichiro was there or not.
"Alright, then, I can accompany him," Soichiro agreed. "I can be at the headquarters in about 45 minutes. His surgery isn't for a few hours still, right?"
"It isn't until a bit later in the morning, though he's supposed to get there early. You should have more than enough time, though, so please do not rush. I will… fill you in on some details once you arrive," continued Watari. "Again, I'm sorry for calling you so early to ask you a favor, but I wasn't sure what else to do."
"It's alright. I understand."
And with a cut-off cough, Watari hung up, and Soichiro began to get ready.
He was, quite frankly, a bit surprised. Of course, everyone got sick, and Watari was an old man, but he hadn't ever really thought about the man falling ill. He wondered what L did when that happened, seeing as the younger man was clearly quite reliant on Watari for even many basic things. Actually, now that Watari was sick, who was going to take care of L while he recovered from the surgery? Soichiro wasn't even sure what kind of surgery it was, but if necessary, he could help take care of the man, he supposed. He could at least make sure the detective didn't starve or get dehydrated. Maybe, if Watari didn't recover before long, he would have to recruit Matsuda to help. The man knew better than he did how to take care of someone while they were ill, and he seemed to like L quite a bit, for some reason that Soichiro had a hard time understanding since L usually wasn't very nice to him (though, sometimes, Soichiro could swear that L liked Matsuda more than he was willing to show).
Even more surprising than Watari getting sick, however, was the fact that Soichiro was apparently being trusted to watch over him. Sure, he was a police officer, but it hadn't escaped his notice that L could be (albeit justifiably) paranoid and Watari was rather protective- and, well, Soichiro was the father of L's number one Kira suspect. So even if he believed in his son's innocence, Soichiro was surprised that either L or Watari were fine with this situation.
There just must not have been a better option.
Regardless of how surprising the situation was, Soichiro drove the familiar route to the task force headquarters, and once he entered the elevator, he was immediately brought up to a floor he had never been on before. Standing there once the elevator doors opened was Watari, still in his pajamas covered in a dressing robe. This was also surprising, as he'd never seen Watari looking anything less than prim and proper, but seeing as the man was sick, he wasn't going to judge him for it.
"Thank you for coming on such short notice," Watari said in lieu of a greeting. "I felt a tad bit under the weather yesterday, but I thought it would pass. Unfortunately, it has only gotten worse."
Soichiro nodded.
"It can't be helped," he reassured the elderly man. "But what do I have to do, exactly?"
Watari hesitated for only a moment.
"Well, you'll have to get him to the hospital. And by that, I mean drive him and then actually get him to go inside. Then, you'll probably have to help him get signed in, but he might be able to do that on his own," explained the man. "Once he's called back, you need to go with him. The hospital said it allows one visitor to stay with the patient until soon before the surgery, but if they give you a hard time about it, please claim to be a relative. It makes things easier. After that, you have to wait until the surgery is over and they release him and bring him back here."
Watari sighed.
"I apologize. I know it's a lot to ask of you, and I would have avoided doing so if I could have."
Indeed, the longer Soichiro watched the older man, the worse off he appeared to be. He really had likely been sick yesterday as well and had just been hiding it well.
"It's alright," Soichiro reassured, not wanting the other man to feel too guilty on his behalf.
With that, Watari stepped over to a small table and picked up a bag.
"There shouldn't be much paperwork to fill out, as Ryuzaki and I have already completed most of it beforehand, but if anything comes up, there are a few relevant documents in here. I'm trusting you to hand these to Ryuzaki if needed and only look at them if you absolutely have to. I've also put some snacks and books I thought you might like in here for when you're waiting. Make sure Ryuzaki doesn't sneak any of the snacks, or he could throw up while he's under anesthesia. I also wrote down the hospital's name and address, as well as the directions to where to go. The reception desk should direct you to the right floor and room."
Soichiro nodded.
"Alright. Anything else?"
It was then that Watari's expression truly appeared to be worried.
"Yes, actually, and it's rather important. Please understand that this is something that you cannot tell anyone, even the others on the task force," Watari stressed. "Though, I do admit it's more for the sake of Ryuzaki's peace of mind than his safety in this instance."
"I won't tell anyone anything," Soichiro agreed. "I've kept the secrets of the investigation quiet well enough, right?"
Watari hummed with a nod.
"Yes, I know. But I do want to make it clear that this is important," Watari replied. "I'll be blunt: Ryuzaki has a severe needle phobia, as well as a fear of medical procedures, and frequently, of the doctors. The chances that he won't cooperate are far higher than the chances that he will. You need to understand that there's a chance they will need to hold him down or possibly sedate him in some way before the procedure is even going to begin. He may even try to run, and he will almost definitely scream. You need to be prepared for that, though I would leave containing and handling him to the medical staff. You may need to inform them of his phobia if they haven't passed on my message about it. I would also appreciate it if you could try to distract him a bit before the surgery, just to make things go a little more smoothly. Oh, and just so you are aware, Light is currently sleeping in their bedroom, and I have the cameras watching him. I will keep an eye on him until the other task force members arrive."
That… was not at all what Soichiro was expecting Watari to tell him. He expected, of course, that he would need to bring him and sit in the waiting room for a while, and he could tell that L was nervous about getting the procedure, but he hadn't thought it was anything more than the nervousness most people would feel in such a situation. He certainly hadn't expected Watari to give him a long explanation of just how badly this day was likely to go.
He, frankly, hadn't even considered something like this.
But, Soichiro was a father, and Sayu had been afraid of getting shots when she was younger, so he'd dealt with his fair share of fits about doctors. He understood, to some extent. And If L really was that afraid, he'd do his best to minimize the distress he would be experiencing.
"I will make sure to keep all of that in mind," Soichiro responded.
Watari gave him a small smile.
"Thank you," he said. "Now, the two of you should probably be going soon, so follow me… and try not to look too surprised."
Soichiro wasn't quite sure what to make of that statement, unless he was just reminding him about what might happen at the hospital, but then Watari led him down a hallway and into the room where L was.
The young man was standing up, rocking on the balls of his feet, with his head turning so he could look around the room with wide, scared eyes. More strangely, however, was the fact that L was tightly gripping a ratty stuffed cat, squeezing it so tightly that Soichiro was infinitely glad the cat wasn't real.
As they entered, however, L's eyes focused on them, and he visibly attempted to hide his anxious fidgeting, forcing his body to be still and unsuccessfully hiding the cat behind his back. He, however, didn't say anything.
"Mr. Yagami is here, L," Watari said, dropping the alias and using a much softer than usual voice. "You have to go now."
L shook his head rapidly, taking a step back.
"L, you have to," Watari insisted. "I know you're scared, but you have to do this. You can do this. You aren't going to let something like this defeat you, right?"
Hesitantly, L nodded, though he turned his face away and started rocking on his heels again.
"Good," Watari spoke with a nod.
And then the older man approached L and pulled him into a quick but firm hug before stepping away again, likely trying to offer comfort without causing too much of a risk that he would infect L with his illness as well.
"I'll see you when you're back, alright? It'll be over before you know it," Watari encouraged. "But now you have to go with Mr. Yagami. Be good, okay?"
L, however, didn't move, so Watari took him by the hand and started moving him toward Soichiro and the door. Once he was closer, L avoided Soichiro's gaze, and the older man could see red tinting L's cheeks (which was another shock because L always seemed to do what he wanted without caring what anyone else thought of it- embarrassment seemed like such a foreign emotion on his face).
"Hello, Ryuzaki," Soichiro greeted, trying to use a gentle tone while still keeping it within his normal speaking range.
L hesitated, but he eventually opened his mouth to reply, mumbling:
"'Lo, Yagami."
Soichiro ignored the slight rudeness considering the circumstances, and with a final goodbye from Watari, L finally began to follow Soichiro back down to the parking lot. Suddenly, Soichiro was even more grateful for the elevator than ever before, as he was sure that getting Ryuzaki to walk down that many flights of stairs while he was like this would not only take forever, but would likely also be quite dangerous, as the detective was uncharacteristically unobservant and was clearly not paying any attention to his surroundings- as shown by him walking straight into a wall on their way down the hall.
Luckily, L didn't protest too much about getting into the car. The man just squeezed the stuffed cat some more and started clicking his teeth together in a way that sounded kind of painful. Soichiro made the decision to not mention it, however, as he doubted that L would appreciate that at the moment (he also made the decision to ignore the fact that L was still sitting in his strange way in the car and just resolved himself to drive extra carefully).
It wasn't until they had been driving for a few minutes that Soichiro realized that he still didn't know what kind of surgery L was getting.
"... Hey, Ryuzaki."
L hummed, pausing his teeth clicking for a moment.
"What kind of surgery are you actually getting, exactly?"
For a while, it seemed like L wasn't going to answer him, but after a few seconds, Soichiro noticed that L was trying to stop himself from clicking his teeth and seemed to be trying to form the words to answer.
"... I have to. get h-half. of mmmmy thyroid removed," L said eventually, his voice pitched strangely. "The right half."
"Oh. Why?"
Soichiro could be wrong, but he didn't think that was a very common procedure for people L's age.
"... 'Cuz the doctors s-said. Said," L replied. "Said I had a nodule."
"A nodule?"
Soichiro didn't have to be a doctor to know that, if L was getting surgery because of a nodule, it likely wasn't a good nodule (or, a harmless one at least).
"... Y-Yeah," L confirmed. "The said… said… said… it's most likely cancerous. So. Can't leave it."
Soichiro felt his stomach plummet, and if the roads were more busy, he might have hit someone.
"You have cancer?!"
L flinched, and he snapped his teeth together again.
"Not… Not the bad kind."
"Ryuzaki, there isn't a good kind of cancer!" Soichiro exclaimed.
At this, L started rocking slightly, looking away before he answered.
"I know. I'm not dumb," L retorted. "But they. They don't think it'sssss spread. Or. Anything. And it's small. Small. And there's. Chance. I-It might be fine."
Soichiro was struck silent for a long few moments and took a few deep breaths. Now wasn't really the time for him to start freaking out.
"... I'm sorry to hear that, Ryuzaki," Soichiro told him. "I can certainly understand why you're scared."
L just shrugged sullenly.
"But, it's good you'll be getting it taken out, then," Soichiro continued, trying to find a positive. "Once it's gone, you won't have to worry about the possibility that it will spread."
"... I guess."
The two of them were silent for the rest of the ride, which gave Soichiro the time to think: first, about the fact that L, even if it wasn't as serious as could be, had a form of cancer, and secondly, about how strangely the man was behaving, even for someone in a situation like this.
Soichiro did know that there were types of cancer that weren't quite as serious as those requiring chemotherapy or other such treatments. Quite a lot of them could be easily solved with surgery, especially in the early stages. From what L said, it seemed like this was the kind he had, which was certainly less concerning than if he had a metastatic cancer, but it was still more than fair to be concerned about it. L was still young, and getting a diagnosis like that had likely been unexpected, so even though the man clearly knew that the treatment was most likely going to solve the problem without much issue, it must have been a shock. It also wouldn't be unreasonable to worry that the cancer might return at some point, especially since L was only getting half of his thyroid removed.
At the same time, though, Soichiro understood why L's doctor had likely suggested only removing half- the thyroid created very important hormones, and if he had the whole thing removed, he would be reliant on pills for the rest of his life (and that was assuming that L wouldn't end up needing the medication even now, considering the fact that half of his thyroid might not be enough to produce enough hormone, anyway). Soichiro himself had to take synthetic thyroid hormones, though his entire organ was still intact- it just didn't produce enough of the hormone on its own. Having had experience with it, he knew that taking the medication could be a pain (such as not being able to eat within a certain time frame after taking it), but he was sure L could adjust to that if he had to. He was also reasonably sure that, despite how distressing the situation was, L would probably be fine after he healed from the surgery.
Honestly, Soichiro could understand why Watari had insisted on L getting the surgery, even if the older man was right that L's life didn't seem to be in any immediate danger. Getting the procedure done as soon as possible would be the best for L's health, as well as both of their peace of mind, he assumed.
Actually, Soichiro was, now that he was aware of the nature of the procedure, rather surprised that L had briefly attempted to get out of getting the surgery yesterday, even if he had been utterly unsuccessful. He supposed it must have been because of L's apparent needle phobia.
The needle phobia, or least the way L was behaving because of it, was perhaps actually the most perplexing part of this situation. L was clearly afraid, but it seemed that he was actually more afraid of the needles he was sure to encounter in the hospital than the procedure or even the nodule itself- which seemed strange since L usually relied on factual information, and he had no doubt that L factually knew he needed to get the surgery. Was his phobia enough to overcome the man's logic? Apparently so.
Even still, L's reaction was a bit… odd, even when considering the phobia. Plenty of people were afraid of needles, but L's behavior seemed a bit extreme to him. If he didn't know better, he could have maybe even been convinced that this person wasn't L (though he didn't think there were too many people who looked the way L did, either). L didn't usually seem like the anxious type in the first place, but he definitely wasn't shy, and yet… in this moment, L could fairly be described as shy, with the way he was staying quiet and shuffling along uncertainly and only approaching Soichiro with hesitance.
It was a far cry from his typically outlandish but confident behavior. L had always behaved as though he didn't care what anyone thought and also as if he assumed everyone would listen to him. The man wasn't uncertain. Even if he wasn't 100% sure of something, he would merely state his calculated probability of his conclusion being correct and leave it at that. And even when L was quiet, it was because he was thinking rather than because he was scared.
But beyond that… the holding/crushing a stuffed animal, clicking his teeth like that, speaking in a choppy and repetitive manner, and (if Watari was right, which he probably was), screaming and trying to run away- all of that didn't seem like L's typical behavior, or really even the behavior of an adult (even if L behaved strangely, it was normally a different kind of strange).
Soichiro didn't want to judge L for it, seeing as the behavior was clearly a result of severe distress (severe enough that even the Kira case hadn't before elicited it), but he couldn't stop himself from thinking it was odd and wondering just why exactly L behaved this way in this specific circumstance.
But. He kept his wonderings to himself and just let the man sit silently (aside from clicking his teeth) as they continued to drive to the hospital.
XXX
The only thing keeping L from bolting was the fact that he felt so frozen that he was barely able to move.
Soichiro had pulled into the hospital's parking lot and stopped the car, and L immediately felt his heart rate pick up, increasing in speed even more than it had been before.
He didn't even notice that Soichiro had gotten out of the car until the man was opening the door on his side.
"Come on, Ryuzaki, you have to get out of the car."
"N-No I. Think. Stay here."
"No, you're coming in," Soichiro denied. "Come on."
L took a deep breath in, rubbing his cat's tail between his fingers, before slowly starting to inch his way out of the car. Once he was finally out of the vehicle, Soichiro locked the car and started slowly making his way toward the hospital's front doors, watching L to make sure he was following. L didn't want to follow him, but he knew he had to, as he also knew that the older man would just force him to go anyway if he tried to refuse.
The walk to the doors was silent, and with every step, L felt like they were going faster and faster, though he knew that they were really walking at about the same pace the entire time.
Far too quickly, they came up to the doors, which opened automatically in a way that someone else might describe as welcoming, or at least convenient, but which L frowned at because it cut another few seconds off the journey inside.
He tried to breathe deeply again, looking around as they walked into the building. There were a lot of people there, adding yet another layer to L's steadily increasing panic. The air was filled with a buzzing of background noise- people talking, a cart's wheels squeaking, shoes clacking over hard tile, and far off, the hum of the air conditioner. The lights were bright, bright enough that you wouldn't even know how early in the morning it was if you hadn't gone outside, and also bright enough to sting L's eyes.
L didn't even realize he'd stopped walking until Soichiro called out to him.
"Ryuzaki."
L blinked and played with his cat's tail and silently panicked, but he followed Soichiro to the reception desk. He heard Soichiro tell one of the receptionists his name (or, his alias) and that he was there to get surgery, and he heard the receptionist giving them directions to the right part of the hospital. He didn't pay enough attention to really remember those directions all that well, though, so he merely followed the older man down the hall and to an elevator.
The elevator doors opened up to another reception area, and this one was thankfully a lot quieter. There were only about 3 other people in the room right then, and the air was almost silent.
Then, they walked up to the desk.
"Hello," greeted the new receptionist. "Getting checked in?"
Soichiro nodded.
"Alright. Which of you is the patient?"
"He is."
And Soichiro pointed at him, which made L want to hide.
"Name?"
A deep breath.
"R-Ryuzaki Tah-Takahashi."
The receptionist typed something into the computer.
"Okay, it looks like you've filled out most of the paperwork already," she spoke before turning toward Soichiro. "Are you going to be the one taking him home after the procedure?"
"Yes."
"Can you please fill out your contact information? You'll receive a call saying you can see him after the anesthesia has worn off."
L heard the scratch of the pen as Soichiro filled out the form, and he took the opportunity to look around the room again.
There was an old man toward the middle of the room, sitting by the TV, which was playing one of those boring home improvement shows. There was also a woman on the other side of the room reading a book. Silently, he wondered if they were patients or just waiting for someone. He then chastised himself for being an idiot a moment later, since he knew this hospital's policy was that you had to have someone bring you home after surgery, this was the surgery ward, and they clearly weren't sitting together. So unless someone was in the bathroom, they were both likely waiting for someone. Curse his panic for messing with his deductive skills.
Luckily, there wasn't much they actually had to do at the desk, so they were directed to sit before too long. L, of course, sat down in his typical way and continued messing with his cat's tail. The woman seemed to be looking at him, and part of him wondered whether it was because of the way he sat or the stuffed animal. Maybe both.
Unfortunately, it also wasn't long before the doors opened and a nurse walked out, calling out his name (alias). Soichiro stood up readily, but L still hesitated.
"Come on," Soichiro directed him.
And even though everything within him was screaming at him to run, L went up to the nurse and followed her down the hallway to the ward where they would keep him until the surgery. Unlike the waiting room, it was loud here, even louder than the hospital's main lobby. There weren't technically as many people, but the space was smaller, so it seemed to be even more crowded, and so many people were talking that it was hard to make out any one conversation amongst the swarm unless one was part of it. There was also a cacophony of machines beeping and ringing, and there were more wheels squeaking and TVs playing shows the clacking of people typing on keyboards. All of it was overwhelming, and L had to remind himself to breathe.
He stared at the floor while the nurse led them down to a small, cubicle-like room. Most of the room was taken up by the bed, with an IV and some other machines scattered around it, all of which L didn't want to spend too much time looking at. There was a TV set drilled into the wall and a small table with wheels on one side. There was also a very large paper bag sitting on the bed. Instead of a door, there was an extra-large curtain to offer a semblance of privacy.
"Alright, give me your arm," the nurse requested, to L's immediate panic.
"What?!" he exclaimed fearfully, already backing away.
Apparently, the nurse noticed his distress because she quickly smiled at him and explained.
"Oh, don't worry!" she told him. "I just need to put your wristband on so we make sure we don't get you confused with someone else."
"... No needles?" L asked quietly.
"No, no needles yet."
And L hated the word yet, but it wasn't like he didn't know that needles would end up being involved in the process at some point. He also understood the reason for the wristband and knew they were a good idea- he'd just misunderstood the situation. As such, he held out his right arm, and the nurse quickly wrapped the band around it, clicking it together and snipping off the end.
"There we go. Now the end won't scratch you."
Silently, L appreciated that, since the last thing he needed right now was to deal with a scratchy wristband on top of everything else.
"So, now I need you to change into this hospital gown here, but you can keep your underwear on. I'll step out so you can change. Just open the curtain back up when you're done. Oh, and that paper bag is for your clothes."
With that, the nurse left, with Soichiro following, and pulled the curtain shut. L took in a few shaky breaths and set his cat down on the bed. He picked up the gown and looked at it for a moment. It was made from cloth this time, which was good. Last time, he'd been put in a weird plastic-paper gown, and it was rather uncomfortable. So, even though he hated not being able to wear his usual shirt and jeans, he could at least derive some comfort from the fact that this gown was soft. And so, L stripped off his clothes and deposited them in the bag, making sure to stick his shoes at the bottom. Then, he slipped the hospital gown around him, putting his arm in the sleeves. That's when he ran into an issue, as he was a bit confused on how to fasten it. It took him a few moments to locate the ties and a few minutes to get them tied right so that he was sufficiently covered. Silently, he rolled his eyes at himself, since one would think that the world's three greatest detectives would have no problem getting a hospital gown tied.
Now re-dressed, L cautiously pulled the curtain back open.
"Are you done, then?" Soichiro asked.
L nodded.
"Okay, great! You can go lay on the bed now so I can ask you a few questions."
"... Can I sit?"
"Oh, sure!"
And so, L sat in the way he preferred, and the nurse took out a chart.
"Alright. So, just to confirm: Your name is Ryuzaki Takahashi?"
"Yes," L technically lied.
"And your birthdate is January 8th, 1982?"
"Yes."
"Any medications?"
"No."
"Allergies?"
"No."
And so the questions went on for a while, and L replied with short answers until it was done.
"Well, that's all I have for you. Do you have any questions?"
L shook his head, but Soichiro spoke up.
"It's not a question, but you should probably know that Ryuzaki has a severe needle phobia," he told the nurse.
"Oh, alright," the nurse nodded. "I'll make a note of that in his chart. Another nurse will be by soon, but if you need anything, including if you need to go to the bathroom, please press the call button."
And then the nurse left, leaving L and Soichiro 'alone' in the room.
XXX
Soichiro observed L as he sat on the bed. So far, he was taking everything well enough. He was clearly scared and sometimes required prompting to do what he was told, but he hadn't started screaming or running yet. He looked like he wanted to when the nurse asked for his arm, though.
Right then, L was squeezing the life out of his stuffed cat again, and Soichiro more-or-less expected him to brood in silence most of this time. He was, however, proven wrong when L suddenly spoke up.
"Can. Can you- talk? Please," L requested, his voice tight.
Soichiro blinked in surprise.
"Sure. What do you want to talk about?"
"I dunno. Dunno."
From this, Soichiro assumed that L wanted him to do most of the talking for the sake of distraction.
"Well, Sachiko made some fish for dinner last night…"
And so Soichiro rambled on about unimportant things, and it seemed like L actually started to relax a bit. The tenseness started fading from his shoulders, and his breathing slowed down.
And then another nurse came over, and L was instantly back to his state of panic.
"Hi, Ryuzaki!" this other nurse greeted. "Remember me?"
And L nodded, making Soichiro wonder why he already knew the nurse.
"Oh, I see you have your cat again today! It's Cookie, right?"
"... Biscuit."
"Oh, right, Biscuit!" she replied, with far more enthusiasm than Soichiro felt he could have provided.
The nurse, who was apparently already familiar with L, kept talking for another minute, and L once again relaxed a little. It was then that Soichiro realized that this nurse was doing the same thing he had been doing a few minutes ago- she was trying to keep L calm by distracting him.
Unfortunately, she was still a nurse, and she was there for a reason.
"Okay now, Ryuzaki, I'm going to have to put the IV in."
In a second, it was as though someone had flipped a switch, and L was suddenly filled with fear and shaking his head.
"No!"
"I'm sorry, but we have to. Can you sit flat for me so I can put the IV in?"
For some reason, L's gaze quickly shot toward Soichiro before darting away again. Soichiro thought L would argue, as L always insisted on sitting his own way, but instead, he slowly shifted so he was sitting almost normally.
"Good. Now, I'm just going to take a look at your arm to see if I can find a vein. Can you give me your arm?"
L shook his head again, but after a moment, he reluctantly held his left arm out, squeezing 'Biscuit' in his right.
"Thank you."
But when the nurse began to prod at his forearm, L pulled it away.
"It's okay," she told him. "Look, no needles."
This was enough to convince L to give her his arm again, though he was tense as she searched for a vein.
Soichiro could definitely tell that this was going to be a long day.
Once the nurse found a vein, she went out past the curtained doorway and returned with a tray, upon which was the IV line, some disinfecting wipes, tape, and a couple of cotton balls.
Soichiro could tell the moment L noticed the tray because his entire body went completely rigid for a moment before he shot out of the bed. For a second, Soichiro thought he would have to grab L before he could run off, but instead, L backed himself into the corner of the room, which was barely any farther than he had been in the first place.
"No!" L shouted, his voice pitched high.
"We have to put the IV in so you can get your surgery, honey."
L shook his head and repeated his denial, beginning to breathe harder, and Soichiro could see the nurse frown.
"Okay, I'll be right back."
As the nurse left, she shot Soichiro a look that he took to mean something along the lines of 'make sure he doesn't run off while I'm gone.' Soichiro himself wasn't sure what the nurse was going to do. She might have decided it was easier to just sedate him, though doing that would itself be difficult, or she might be getting someone to hold him down. She might also be getting someone else who could handle him better, though it did seem like L responded well to the woman up until the point she pulled out a needle.
When the nurse returned, it was with another nurse, and Soichiro figured that the plan was probably closer to the 'holding L down' strategy.
"Ryuzaki, we need you to get back in the bed," asked the first nurse. "Can you do that for us?"
Again, L glanced toward Soichiro for a moment. Now that he'd done it twice, the older man wondered if L was silently asking for some sort of comfort or reassurance. What did Watari usually do at times like these?
"It's okay, Ryuzaki," Soichiro spoke up. "No needles yet."
Which. Was technically true, but would only remain true for what was hopefully only a little while. L rocked on his heels for a while, considering, before he slowly climbed back onto the bed.
"Alright, I just need to make sure I can find the same vein again."
As the nurse began to poke at his arm once more, L's breath hitched.
"It's okay. It's just my fingers."
Then, the second nurse went to the tray and picked up the disinfecting wipes. She opened one up and started to try to rub it on L's arm, but he immediately jerked away.
"What's that?!"
And Soichiro didn't know why L was asking what a disinfecting wipe was- surely he'd seen and probably used them before. He thought that L might just be trying to buy time, even if it would only get him a few extra seconds.
"It's just a wipe to clean your skin," explained the nurse.
But even still, L repeated his question again, though he didn't actually struggle this time.
"What's that?"
This only made Soichiro more confused since he knew L heard the explanation and likely hadn't even needed it in the first place. Maybe L was just repeating himself?
Next, the nurses took out a rubber strip- a tourniquet- and went to tie it around L's arm. In response, L whined.
"Don't like. Hurts.
"We know. But it's only for a little while. Can you squeeze your fist a few times after we tie it?"
L gritted his teeth as they finished tying the tourniquet but did do as he was instructed.
Then, Soichiro saw the nurses try to stealthily take the needle off the tray.
Unfortunately, L also saw them, and he tried to pull his arm away again.
"No!"
It was then that the second nurse grabbed L's arm firmly, keeping it from moving while not holding him hard enough to hurt, or really, enough to keep L from escaping if he really tried. L didn't appear to be truly struggling so much as protesting, and Soichiro guessed that, even under distress, L could figure out that it wasn't going to work.
L started breathing even more heavily for a few moments as he stared at the needle, but then he shut his eyes. After a few breaths, they started to slow and soon, L managed to look slightly calm. He'd managed to hold off his own panic, at least. Even still, he kept his eyes tightly shut, apparently trying to pretend like the needle wasn't there. While L was as calm as he was going to be, the nurses quickly inserted the IV and got it taped in place. L let out a squeak but then forced himself to take deep breaths again while the tape was applied.
Then, L re-opened his eyes and saw the IV inserted into his skin and was clearly afraid again.
"Here, would it help if we wrapped it up so you can't see it?" offered one of the nurses.
L quickly nodded his head, and the second nurse got out a roll of gauze and wrapped it around L's arm to cover the IV while the other nurse connected the port to a saline drip. Soichiro didn't quite understand why L got immediately (relatively) calmer just because he couldn't see it anymore, since the man clearly knew it was still there, but he also supposed it didn't matter too much. If it kept L from freaking out more, then fine.
"There we go! That wasn't so bad, was it?"
"No more needles?" L questioned timidly.
"No, no more needles. All done!"
This made L relax a lot more, and though he held his left arm stiff and apparently didn't seem very inclined to move from his abnormal (for him) sitting position, Soichiro figured that this counted as a success.
"So, you know that nurse?" Soichiro asked conversationally.
"From biopsy."
That made sense. In order for the doctors to have determined that L's nodule was cancerous, they would have had to do a biopsy.
With what seemed like the worst out of the way, Soichiro started the mindless chatter back up.
XXX
L mostly tried to keep his mind off of what was happening as he sat in the room with Soichiro, letting his thoughts float around in an aimless way that wasn't very much like him at all. He didn't think about any one thing too deeply or make any deductions, and he silently blamed the fact that he wasn't sitting in his optimal position, but in reality, he knew what he was doing. He was pretending that nothing was wrong, partially convincing himself that he wasn't in such a scary situation because he didn't know what else to do while he waited for the surgery. He couldn't think about any one thing too long because he would start coming up with associations, and associations always led him to either think about the surgery or, a few times, about Kira (and L really didn't feel like thinking about Kira/Light right then. He highly doubted that Light had suddenly figured out his name, but wouldn't it just be the icing on the cake if Light found out some way to use this situation to kill him?)
Well, at least it was sort-of working. Of course, L was never able to completely delude himself about what was going on- after all, he was literally sitting in a hospital bed wearing a hospital gown in a hospital. But he could just about let himself be distracted, whether it was by Soichiro's babbling or one of the more innocuous machines or looking at the texture of Biscuit's faux fur.
As he sat there, people came in and out a lot.
There were more nurses, and there were doctors. One of them introduced himself as being the anesthesiologist. So did another, but that one said he was on the 'anesthesia team', so L came to the conclusion that more than one person was involved with that. The surgeon he'd talked to before, the one who told him he needed to get the surgery in the first place, came by, making sure he understood what procedure he was getting. His assistant also came by at some point.
The stream of people went past like a blur, their faces and voices blurring and melting together until L didn't bother expending the mental energy to keep them separate. He let them become an entity of words and lab coats in his mind, only paying enough attention to them to answer the questions.
Internally, L was still scared. His heart was beating fast, and sometimes, he started clicking his jaw again, though he did try hard to stop that, as he didn't want any of the doctors to notice it. He felt shaky, and his mind, though it seemed to be moving as fast as a humming bird's wing, felt sluggish and stupid and decidedly not the way it usually felt. He wished he could blame some sort of drug for the way he was feeling, but they hadn't even given him drugs (he knew that the IV was currently just a saline drip, as he could taste it in the roof of his mouth). No, his brain was just plain malfunctioning because of his damned phobia. And because he had to sit like this for so long.
But, despite the phobia, once the IV was in and out of view, L was able to keep some level of calm.
Or, he was until yet another nurse strode in and announced that she had to get a blood sample for a glucose test.
And L's brain was far from peak performance right then, but even still, it only took him a moment to connect the dots between blood sample and needles.
The nurse, an older woman, approached him, followed by one of the nurses from earlier, and he cowered in the bed. When she asked for his finger, he shook his head and balled his hands into tight fists. The nurses continued to insist he provide his hand, and he continued to refuse.
"No! You said n-no more needles! You said!"
"Ryuzaki, they only need a drop of blood," he heard Soichiro tell him.
"NO!"
And it wasn't like L was all that scared of such a small wound. And he knew that needle used here would be even smaller than that of the IV. But the thought of it piercing his skin was almost as bad as the thought of it sliding into his veins, and it sent his heart thumping all over again.
At his continued refusal, the nurses apparently decided that they'd had enough with playing along with him, as the older nurse eventually just grabbed his hand, holding it tightly, and pried one of his fingers out of the first.
L screamed before the piercing device came anywhere near his finger, struggling to get away, but the nurse was deceptively strong, and he was too scared to come up with any kind of real escape plan. There was a nurse on either side of him, and Soichiro was probably standing nearby, so even if he managed to break free, he'd be caught in a moment. The more he struggled, the harder he was held, and the louder he screamed.
"NO! WAMMY!"
And then the older nurse pricked his finger and squeezed it, forcing blood to come up the surface. They ignored his continuing wails, and after a little while, they put a cotton ball against the end of his finger. Thinking it was over, L relaxed just the tiniest bit, but then they took the cotton ball off and started squeezing his finger again to get more blood.
After that, they returned the cotton ball and were apparently done with it, and they took their sample off to do whatever while L was left shaky and scared on the bed.
XXX
Soichiro wasn't quite sure what to do about what he just witnessed. He hadn't expected L to be calm about the glucose test at this point, but he really hadn't expected his reaction to be worse than when they put the IV in. He wondered if maybe it had something to do with the other nurses telling him that there weren't going to be any more needles (though Soichiro had a feeling that they hadn't meant 'no more needles the entire time you're here'), or maybe if it had something to do with the way these nurses handled him (they weren't mean, but they were a tad less friendly and clearly trying to just get the job done, and they were quick to just start holding L down, which seemed to make him even more scared).
On the one hand, Soichiro couldn't blame the nurses for the way they handled the situation. L wasn't cooperating, he needed to have it done, and they had other patients. It was easier to just make him cooperate than to spend who knew how long convincing him to cooperate.
On the other hand, however, after seeing how well the other nurses earlier had handled L's protesting, he couldn't help but think that their approach was a better solution to this. L was still afraid, still resistant, but he had still cooperated, to an extent. He hadn't struggled quite so violently, nor screamed quite as much, nor quite so loudly (Silently, Soichiro apologized to all the other patients on L's behalf).
It just seemed like it was better to handle L gently to get minimal resistance in return rather than have to deal with a lot of resistance and a meltdown (because, really, that's what he had just witnessed). The way L screamed sounded like he was being murdered, and Soichiro had the unfortunate experience to know exactly what that sounded like. God only knew what the other patients and nurses thought hearing it. It was even louder than that time L freaked out over the possibility of shinigami existing, and that had previously been the loudest he'd ever heard L get.
Soichiro had a feeling that this record wasn't going to be broken anytime soon.
Regardless of which approach had been better, however, L was sitting in the bed, very clearly upset. His eyes were watering, and his breaths were quick. He was rocking back and forth slightly, only a little, and tears gathered in the corner of his eyes but didn't fall. He was rubbing the end of the cat's tail again and looking down toward his lap.
Thinking back on what happened, he remembered L screaming out the word 'Wammy', and though it took him a minute, he came to the conclusion that the word could very well be a private nickname for Watari (they were similar, after all, and it had seemed like L was calling out for someone to help him). He didn't know what exactly Watari did with L in these situations, or even if he was right about the meaning behind L's terrified wailing, but he couldn't just leave the detective like that.
And so, Soichiro spoke up.
"Ryuzaki, are you okay?"
Surprisingly, L just shook his head.
"Okay. Do you want me to do anything?"
"Talk."
To be quite honest, Soichiro was running out of random things to talk about at this point. But. He figured that the bottom of his 'conversation topics' barrel was better than L just freaking out in the remaining time before his surgery.
And so he talked, until some of the nurses/doctors came back and announced that it was finally time for L's surgery to begin. L's fear shot up again, and he started shaking his head, but one of the gathered medical professionals had a tube of something and they put it into L's IV. Almost instantly, L calmed down and fell back onto the bed's pillow, his head lolling to one side. Then, L started giggling about something unknown, and the nurses started prepping him to be brought to the OR. They made sure to tuck his blanket in tightly, keeping L's cat underneath the covers (which… Soichiro mentally questioned, as he didn't think the stuffed animal was anywhere near sterile, but didn't point out). They detached the IV from its stand and hooked it up to the bed itself in a way that would keep it from getting pulled out during transport.
Then, it was time to start rolling L out of the room.
As they left, L turned a bit to look at him and spoke.
"Bye."
After that, Soichiro was led back to the waiting room, and he sat down heavily in the chair.
Now, he understood why Watari had been so apologetic about the situation, and though he still wasn't mad about it, he felt exhausted. He hadn't even really done much other than chatter to distract L, but still, being involved in this whole thing had turned out to be far more stressful than he had anticipated, even with Watari's warning. He wondered if things like this were always this bad with L, or if maybe this time was just particularly stressful, either because of the nature of the procedure or because Watari wasn't able to be here.
But, L was on his way to the OR now, and his surgery would begin soon.
For now, Soichiro just had to wait.
XXX
When he was told that it was time for his surgery, L felt yet another spike in his ever-spiking panic. Sure, he already had the IV in his arm for the anesthesia, but he was also afraid of the anesthesia itself. It would make him go to sleep, which was, admittedly, for the best, but it was still a scary thing.
He remembered being put to sleep for his biopsy. For the kind he was getting, they usually didn't even put someone to sleep. They would just numb the area and stab a special needle into the patients' throat a few times to get samples. The thing was, though, that L couldn't stay still while they were doing that, especially when they had to do it multiple times. And it was very important that he stay still, so that they didn't stab the wrong part. But he really couldn't, so even though it wasn't standard procedure, L's doctor had gotten permission to have him put under for the biopsy.
The thing was, L had started freaking out the moment the doctor had started talking about a biopsy, and he'd had trouble paying attention to what the doctor was telling him. And when the doctor asked if he had any questions, he said no because he had just wanted to leave.
So, L had been under the mistaken impression that they were just going to drug him enough to make sure he didn't move. He hadn't known they were going to fully knock him out. Which, on the one hand, at least he didn't have to be conscious and unable to do anything about the needle stabbing him on the neck. On the other hand, though, he had been completely unprepared when he came to the hospital that first time. It was immediately a lot more complicated and, somehow, even more stressful than he'd anticipated. And when they brought him into the room for the procedure and started taking out all sorts of things, he was even more scared. Once they gave him the anesthesia, he didn't have much longer to feel scared before he was just plain unconscious, but he could still remember a few of the brief moments before he was out. He could remember the blurring of his vision, the strange patterns that took over his eyes and the fog that clouded his mind, until everything faded to black
He wondered if that's what dying felt like.
Simply put, L wasn't exactly eager to experience that again, even though he knew he would have to.
This time, though, L couldn't get too deep into panicking because they almost immediately gave him some kind of drug that made his head feel loopy and tired. He didn't know if they always gave this to patients before taking them or if they just gave it to him to keep him from trying anything on the way to the OR, but a distant part of L actually appreciated it, as pretty much all of his anxiety got washed away and replaced by foggy sleepiness.
Then they were rolling down the hall, through doors and past other people being wheeled in the opposite direction, and L was being directed to scoot onto a table and Biscuit was still there and he had a hard time holding onto her, but someone tucked her under his blanket once he was settled and then another wave of fog came over him, and before long, he was out.
XXX
L's return to consciousness was slow and non-linear, like trying to swim out of molasses, only to keep getting sucked back in.
For a long while, everything was still dark to him, possibly because he didn't think he had opened his eyes, but he could hear. There were people talking about things that he didn't understand in his current state (though he would probably have been able to understand them any other time).
Then, he was shivering and it was so cold that he was shaking and trembling and he didn't understand why he was freezing.
"Cold. C-Cold."
And then a warm blanket was placed on top of him and he was warm, and being warm was much better than that strange, bone-chilling coldness.
"Where's W'mmy?" L asked, and he wasn't quite sure whether he'd spoken in English or Japanese.
"You'll be able to see him soon."
One of the other patients nearby was complaining. He couldn't tell what he was complaining about at first, but he was complaining so long that L eventually managed to figure out that he was itchy and wanted the nurses to scratch him. L wasn't awake long enough that time to find out if they ended up scratching him.
"C'n I go home? Wanna go home."
'Not yet. Soon."
"Where's W'mmy?"
He slowly gained more awareness, and for some reason, every time someone approached his bed, or maybe just every time he thought someone approached since he really couldn't quite tell, he greeted them.
"Hi," he said. "Hi… Hi."
He could remember opening his eyes briefly and seeing a wall with papers posted to it, but he couldn't read any of them.
Then, L was waking up, back in one of the cubicle-styles rooms, though he didn't think it was the same one as earlier. Soichiro was in a chair next to his bed, watching him with a neutral expression.
"Good morning, Ryuzaki. Or, evening."
L slowly blinked at him, trying to shake off the remaining fog, but it still proved difficult. His mind wasn't foggy enough, however, to completely hide the pain in his throat.
"Ow," he rasped quietly, moving a hand to reach up toward his throat, which Soichiro promptly took and brought back down to the bed.
"You'd better not touch that quite yet."
A nurse came in, and L felt far less afraid at seeing him than he would have earlier.
"It's good to see you're awake. There were no complications with the surgery, and everything looks fine," he said. "Can you tell me what your pain is right now on a scale of 1-10?"
L blinked at the nurse as his normally-brilliant mind struggled to answer a question using numbers in the single digits.
"Dunno. Like. 6?"
L felt that was fair. His throat hurt, but it didn't hurt too badly. Chances were that it didn't hurt much yet because there were still some drugs in his system.
"Alright. We're going to give you some pain medication, but we need you to eat a little first. Would you prefer pudding or applesauce?"
And usually, L would jump at the opportunity for a sweet snack, but the mention of food made him realize he was nauseous.
"Don't want it," he answered. "Nauseous."
"Well, you have to try to eat at least a little before we can give you the pain medication," the nurse told him. "How about I get you some chocolate pudding?"
Then, there was a pudding on a little pull-out table in front of him, and L was scraping up a tiny bit of pudding onto the spoon.
He hadn't eaten since yesterday, but he really had no appetite. The thought of eating anything right now just made him feel sick. But his neck was really starting to hurt, so he knew he would have to eat some.
After a few tiny blobs of pudding, really amounting to less than even one normal spoonful of pudding, had been consumed, L knew it had been a mistake. The nausea had been amplified ten-fold, and L had a very real feeling that he could throw up at any second.
He set down the pudding and pushed it away, and when the nurse again reminded him that he had to eat it, he told him that he was about to throw up.
"I'll get some anti-nausea meds, then."
The nurse went to get the meds and gave them to him, soon leaving again to wait for them to kick in. L, meanwhile, mostly tried to stay still. The longer he laid there, the more his neck was hurting. Even trying to change positions felt impossible now, though, as now that he had noticed the nausea, he couldn't stop thinking about it, and the more he thought about it, the more nauseous he got. Soichiro stayed mostly quiet during this, and at this point, L was glad for it, as he wasn't sure he could even really listen to him right then.
Thankfully, the medication eventually kicked in, and L no longer felt as much like he would throw up, which was a great relief because L no longer felt like curling up in a ball and dying as much.
When the nurse came back, he had some applesauce and some juice.
"Here, this might be easier for you to eat."
L did, in fact, manage to eat most of the applesauce and sip some of the juice. Then he was given the painkillers and eventually, a nurse was leading him on a walk through the halls to check if he was good to go home. And since he hadn't collapsed or anything, they deemed him to be okay enough.
He was brought back to the little room and was given his own clothing back. It took him a while, but he eventually got changed, even if he was clumsier than usual at doing so, and he almost fell over once or five times. Then, the hundredth nurse came by with his release paperwork. L was supposed to sign them, but he didn't want to sign something without reading what it was, just in case. His brain, however, still wasn't getting the memo, and he was having a hard time figuring out what was actually even written on the papers.
"This is just a list of your personal items so you know we didn't lose anything. And these are the papers you have to sign to be released," the nurse explained.
And the nurse could have been lying to him for all he knew, but he didn't care anymore at that point and just signed them.
"Alright. Your incision was closed with glue, so it doesn't need to be dressed, and you shouldn't apply any antibiotic ointment to it. You shouldn't shower for at least 24 hours after you get home, and when you do, make sure to face away from the spray. The glue should start to fall off on its own after 1-2 weeks, but don't pick at it. You also shouldn't lift more than 10 pounds or do any strenuous exercise for the next two weeks. Taking walks should be fine, though. You don't have any dietary restrictions, but you'll probably want to eat softer foods until your throat is a bit less sore. We're also going to be giving you a prescription for painkillers, which you can pick up at your regular pharmacy. Any questions?"
And really, half of what the nurse said had already fallen out of L's brain, but he just shook his head. He couldn't think of anything, and they would probably give him a printout of his instructions, anyway, so he probably didn't need to remember it (and sure enough, he was given such a printout before the nurse left).
"Please wait here until someone comes with a wheelchair. Even if you think you're fine to walk, we'd rather not risk you falling, so please just sit tight for now."
L desperately wanted to leave the hospital at that point. Sure, most of his anxiety was gone now that the procedure was over and he was still kind of drugged, but it was replaced by a heavy tiredness. He just wanted to go back to sleep for a long time, but he couldn't really do that until he got back to headquarters.
It ended up taking almost an hour for someone to show up to bring L down to the parking lot, and Soichiro was sent ahead to get the car.
Getting into the wheelchair was apparently harder than L thought, as he denied assistance and then promptly almost fell right on his face. The nurse, however, just brought the chair a little closer and guided him into it.
Then, the two of them were speeding down the halls, taking an elevator down to the first floor, down some more halls, and to the main lobby, eventually reaching their destination: the parking lot. They waited for Soichiro to pull up, and then the nurse helped L into the car, to make sure he didn't fall walking the two feet to the car.
After that, Soichiro began driving, and L quickly surrendered himself to sleep, leaning against the window awkwardly, even if doing so probably wasn't good for his neck.
XXX
L barely remembered getting out of the car and being led to the elevator. He eventually made his way to a bed, presumably with Soichiro's help, and collapsed onto it. He could feel himself breathing heavily with the exertion- which, L wasn't exactly the pinnacle of health on a good day, but he wasn't exactly used to getting winded from going up an elevator and walking down a hall.
"Do you need anything, Ryuzaki?"
He just groaned in response, curling into the covers.
"Alright. I'll leave you to sleep, then. Call if you need something."
A few seconds later, L was out like a light.
XXX
The next time L woke up, someone was sitting beside him on the bed. His head felt heavy though, and his eyelids heavier, so it took him a while to get his eyes open enough to figure out who it was.
"…Ma's'da…?" he rasped.
"Oh, Ryuzaki! You're awake!" Matsuda exclaimed, his voice too loud. "Um. So, Watari's still a bit under the weather, so I said I'd take care of you for now. Um. Okay?"
L blinked drowsily.
"Wha'ev'r…"
"Cool, cool…," said Matsuda. "So… You should probably eat something and take your medicine, or it's gonna start wearing off, and your neck's gonna really hurt."
L just groaned.
"Come on, just eat a little bit."
Matsuda helped L to sit up before handing him a small plastic bottle with a wide straw. He stared at it for a while, far too long, before figuring out it was a liquid yogurt drink.
"Just drink a little, okay?"
L slowly took a very tiny sip, what was probably only a few millimeters if he had measured it. He didn't swallow it so much as let it mix with the saliva in his mouth, after which he more-or-less just let it go down his throat. Matsuda watched him until he sipped a little bit more, still not much, before accepting the bottle when L handed it back to him. Matsuda quickly replaced it with a glass of water, also with a wide straw, and handed him a little white pill.
"I don' w'n it," L tried to deny.
"Well, you will once the medicine you already took wears off."
With a grumble, L popped the pill into his mouth and tried to sip some of the water. This is where he ran into trouble, since he couldn't just let the pill go down his throat. He had to actually swallow it. And when he tried, pain flared up in his throat as well as his neck, along with a strange and uncomfortable pulling sensation.
He gagged, coughing, as he started to half-choke on the mouthful of water. Some of the water spilled out of his mouth and onto the sheets, though the pill did somehow end up getting swallowed.
"Easy there, Ryuzaki…"
He saw Matsuda try to wipe up the spat-out water with a paper towel before he started burrowing back into the blankets.
XXX
L had been going in and out of consciousness. Matsuda wasn't quite sure exactly how much of L's sleepiness was from the medication and how much was from the exertion of the procedure itself, but he guessed it didn't matter too much so long as he was resting.
When L was actually awake, he complained a lot. He didn't really want to eat when Matsuda tried to get him to, either saying that his throat hurt too much or he was nauseous, but he did have to make L eat, at least a little. He also groaned about his throat hurting a lot- which did make sense, he had his throat cut open and had part of an organ removed. Part of the reason why he was in this much pain, though, was because he kept not wanting to take the medicine, so there were gaps between when the effects of one dose ended and the next dose began to take effect. Matsuda had been getting him ice packs to cut down on some of the pain, but L kept complaining that they were too cold, and he would start shivering enough that Matsuda gave up on that for the time being.
At least it wasn't too hard to convince L to drink. He drank slowly and seemed to be mostly letting it trickle down his throat, but he was drinking. He didn't know what he was supposed to do if L refused to drink and got dehydrated.
It was getting late, and L had taken his last dose of pills a while ago by now, but he had remained awake afterward. Matsuda had put on a movie for him to watch, though L seemed to only be paying the slightest bit of attention to it.
He'd noticed that L was breathing weirdly now, slow and deep, and he seemed to be shifting weirdly. At first, he thought it was because L couldn't sit the way he normally did and was uncomfortable, but then he noticed that L wasn't looking so great.
Suddenly, L shot up, cringing at his own movement, and curled around his stomach.
"Trash can," he rasped out.
Matsuda understood the situation quickly enough and quickly turned to grab the trash can from beside the bed, offering it to L. The other man grabbed it and began to lean over it, his breathing getting heavier.
XXX
L hated this. He felt exhausted and uncomfortable and pained, and to top it all off, the pain medication was making him nauseous. He'd tried not to focus on the feeling, since focusing on it made it worse, but eventually, it became clear to him that willpower wasn't going to be enough to stop it.
He'd demanded that Matsuda get him the trash can, and he felt a moment of gratitude at how quickly the man got it for him.
He gripped the sides of the can tightly, silently begging his body to make the nauseous feeling go away, but to no avail.
L started gagging, after a few dry heaves, he began to throw up. There wasn't much in his stomach other than water and stomach acid, and it burned his already-roughed-up throat (likely from the breathing tube) as it came up. The heaving motion also strained his neck, causing jolts of pain to shoot through him.
By the time time was done, his throat burned, his neck felt like someone ran it over, and he was shaky. Dimly, he realized that Matsuda was rubbing slow circles on his back.
"You done?" the man asked gently.
Slowly, L nodded, even though the motion sent another bolt of pain through his neck.
Matsuda carefully took the can and set it aside so he could dispose of the contents later and then turned back to look at L.
"I'm going to go get you some more water, okay?"
L didn't respond, just kept sitting there as Matsuda got up, taking the trash can with him. He returned a while later, can emptied and with a fresh glass of water in his hand. He gave the water to L, who washed his mouth out and took a few hesitant sips.
"… I'm not taking those pills again," L whispered roughly.
"Ryu-"
"No. I'm not taking them," L said, his voice getting marginally louder. "They make me sick and it hurts. I'll just take some Ibuprofen."
Matsuda stared at the detective for a while, mulling it over in his brain. He was sure L knew that the over-the-blunter medicine might not be as effective against the pain, but he did have a point about throwing up hurting him. Maybe the pain of it combined with the nausea did make it a better option to switch medicine.
Well, he could always switch back if he couldn't tolerate the pain.
"Okay. I'll go find some."
XXX
L recovered slowly. He was barely awake for most of the first day after the surgery, and on the second, he could barely get up to use the bathroom let alone do much else. Distantly, he remembered his doctor telling him he'd be able to go on a walk the day after his surgery if he wanted, and he silently called the doctor a liar. There was no way he could go on a walk right now.
As it was, L wanted to go back to work on the Kira case, but he couldn't. He was too tired to get up, and he wasn't able to sit up long enough to sit at his computer in the room with the rest of the task force. He couldn't even work on his laptop in his room because the fog had still not left his brain, for some reason he couldn't figure out on account of the fog. It took all he had to even focus on what was going on in the inane movies Matsuda put on for him.
The entire thing was incredibly frustrating, and L felt useless, but he didn't know what he could do about it.
"Ryuzaki, you need to heal and rest. You had surgery less than four days ago," Watari reminded him.
Watari was better now, at least. Matsuda was still helping to take care of him, but L would be lying to himself if he didn't recognize that Watari's presence was a bit of a comfort right now.
That wasn't going to stop him from complaining, though.
"This is terrible and I hate it," L whispered.
L had also found that he had to whisper for the time being. He'd spoken at a relatively normal volume once he was more awake, and that had apparently been a mistake, as he now couldn't bear to speak louder than this. Curse that blasted breathing tube.
"I'm sure it is," Watari sighed. "But at least you don't have cancer anymore."
L rolled his eyes.
"It wasn't even the serious kind."
"All cancer is serious, Ryuzaki," Watari argued. "Just because you didn't need chemotherapy doesn't mean you didn't need it removed."
L sighed.
"I know.."
"Good. Now, try to get some more rest."
"But I want to know what's going on with the case- Ow!"
"Maybe let this be a learning moment, Ryuzaki."
"… Fine…"
XXX
That night, as L laid in bed recovering, he wondered if this surgery had even really mattered. Sure, the cancer might have become more of a problem later, might have become metastatic later-
But with Kira on the loose, would he even live that long, anyway?
XXX
Okay, and there's the end of that.
This really was mostly me projecting onto L about my surgery and then changing some details to fit with L/Death Note better.
Not sure if you could tell, but I do ship LXMatsuda, even if I don't get into it too much since I don't write a lot of romance. *shrug*
If you got this far, thanks for reading!
