Blonde v.s. Ginger: Gold digger edition

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...III...

ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!

SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!

The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.

...responses...

...III...

Dipper Pines sighed as he prepared to have yet another bland, boring school year with his bland, boring life at the bottom of the social hierarchy while his sister enjoyed life at the top...

He walks through the doors of Piedmont Middle school in a very somber yet resigned manner...

In the universe we all know and love...the entire school year between now and Dipper's life-changing summer...would be completely bland, boring and would be of absolutely no interest to anyone...

This is not that universe...

...

BEEP!

Dipper abruptly woke up with a start, clearly he'd been burning the midnight oil reading mysteries again...he needed to focus and figure out what he was going to do for the Science Fair! He'd be a monkeys uncle if that kid with the baking soda volcano won again! He then noticed that he'd drooled so much that a paper was stuck to his head. He peels it off in disgust...then he looks at it stunned. It was a blueprint of a WORKING perpetual motion machine! He didn't remember writing this...but it was DEFINITELY in his own hand writing and one time he was so sleep deprived he ended up stealing garden gnomes in his underwear, so why not? I mean, what other explanation could there be?

He never notices the smokey, inky shadow retreating out the window...

...

"Congratulations Dipper Pines! You win First place, this million dollar cash prize and a surprise inspection by West Coast Tech talent scouts! You pass the inspection you'll be bumped up multiple grades and leaving for your dream college!" Shouts the weirdly pale-faced man claiming to be the replacement Principal- the usual one apparently having a 'accident' that morning- as he showers an ecstatic Dipper with praise and rewards...

While Mable just watches in disbelief...and concern...

...

Mable sneaks into the auditorium at night. She makes sure her ski mask is on good and tight. She then raises the crowbar toward Dipper's project-

CRASH!

-and then a piano drops on her...

Hours later, Dipper would admit to a Mable in ER that although he SHOULD be furious at her for attempting to sabotage his project so he wouldn't leave her...considering she hadn't actually done it AND Karma had already punished her through shattering most of her bones...He was willing to forgive her...

Meanwhile, their parents are berating the school for having a piano poorly suspended in the auditorium in the first place! While the school keeps insisting that they had no idea how a piano got into the auditorium, let alone how it got suspended on a ceiling that lacks the apparatus that allows this! The ceiling was a freaking Skylight for crying out loud!

...

Dipper's mouth gaped in disbelief. he'd just come into the woods to re-check his leprechaun traps when he stumbled onto THIS!

"And do you BIGFOOT, take Nessie to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Asked Slenderman officiating the marriage between the Loch Ness monster and Sasquatch...

...

Needless to say, Dipper made front page news across the WORLD as he proved the existence of the hundreds of cryptids and mythological creatures that were attending the wedding! Not only that, but 'Wacky News' and 'Used to Be About History Channel' were in a bidding war for his film that was already in the TEN digit range...and still growing...

...

"Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer conjecture...Hodge conjecture...Navier–Stokes existence and smoothness...P versus NP...Riemann hypothesis...AND Yang–Mills existence and mass gap?! You solved ALL the Millennium Prize Problems?!" Exclaimed the Clay Mathematics Institute representative in disbelief...

Dipper chuckles nervously, "I don't know what to tell you...it all just sorta came to me..." No one notices the inky black mist leaving his ear...they were too busy handing the 6 million dollars over to Dipper...

...

Mable ran from the room in tears after Dipper berated her for breaking his telescope. And he didn't feel the least bit guilty about that.

For although he HAD forgiven his sister what she TRIED to do...he also was feeling less inclined to put up with her nonsense...

He quickly fixed it and began to use it to observe the heavens. He'd modified it recently and he wanted to it- SWEET PAUL BUNYAN!" Shrieked Dipper.

...

THE EARTH MAY NOT BE FLAT, BUT THE MOON MOST CERTAINLY IS!

This was the headlines that rang across the world as Dipper had proved that the moon was actually a 2-D UFO, he got billions of dollars for the pictures that backed it up...although he immediately lost half of that to a lawsuit from Buzz Aldrin...

...

Dipper knew there was little point checking his leprechaun traps. He knew he already had enough money and fame, he'd LIKE to say it was him 'being on a roll' or 'the spirit of adventure beckoned'...but if he was being honest? This was just to distract him from his current situation.

Now he was rich and famous, he'd gone from the bottom of the social hierarchy to the top. Girls wanted to be with him...guys wanted to BE him...but ONLY because of his money and fame!

Well forget that! Dipper had been forced to watch enough 'high-school drama's' by Mable to know how poorly letting popularity go to your head and trusting 'fair-wheather' friends can go!

The REALLY unfortunate thing was that usually he'd go to Mable with his problems...but after what she TRIED to do...Dipper HAD forgiven her...but...well, a RIFT had formed between them. Dipper just didn't trust her anymore...it was simple as that.

He still loved her but...well, when the paperwork was finally processed and he skipped grades to go to West Coast Tech College next year...Dipper just felt it would be best if they spent some time apart...

He was broken from his musings from the sound of a large clang. Dipper runs up to one of his traps excited and sure enough, there's a leprechaun inside.

"Ah, thy be a cruel lad! Let me free boy-o!" Exclaimed the leprechaun.

"Hold it! You know the drill! I'll let you go if you lead me to your gold!"

The little man sighed, "Aye, I give my word."

"Also, if you make things difficult for me. You have to let me reveal your existence to the world after we find the gold."

At this, the wee man smirked. "As you wish lad, I promise do that as well."

After freeing him, the Leprechaun- bond by his word -lead Dipper to the tree that his gold lay under.

"Dig beneath this tree and my gold is yours!"

"Well, I left my shovel at the house...I'll need to mark this tree somehow. Otherwise I'll never find it again." Dipper takes off his scarf and wraps it around the trees limb.

"Promise me you won't take down, remove or damage this scarf in any shape or form." Said Dipper.

"I promise!" Said the wee man happily.

Dipper nods and heads off...

The little man grins evilly as he begins to work his mischief. Although bound by his word, that didn't mean he couldn't be tricky! He quickly uses his magic to copy the scarf and use it to cover EVERY tree! there's no way the lad would ever find his gold now! Best of all, thanks to his poor phrasing of his bargain. the leprechaun wasn't bound to allow himself to be caught again until AFTER his gold was found, 'good luck with that!' thinks the tiny man with a chuckle.

It takes awhile for the boy to return, the wee man eagerly watches for the shrub...waiting for him to realize how he'd fooled him...the boy...whips out a flashlight?

"What the devil is he..." The small man in green watches in disbelief as Dipper uses the UV light to easily find HIS scarf, which was now revealed to have been marked with special ink!

Dipper then proceeds to dig up his gold!

"Stop! Stop! What is this!?"

Dipper smirked, "I've been planning this scenario for years in my head! I deliberately poorly worded my deals so you'd think I'd been tricked...but all along you were just falling into another one of my traps!"

Despite the situation, the Leprechaun chuckled. "You spent all your free time scheming to catch a creature only YOU believed existed...WOW, you must be a hit with lassies." He teased.

Dipper looked flustered, "Yeah...well I still get your gold AND a guest appearance from YOU!" He retorted.

The wee man sighed, "Fair enough lad...fair enough." He conceded.

...

There were a couple other things that happened...but I think you get the point. Let's move on with the story...

At that point dear Dipper was now a billionaire, and once his many patents started being mass-produced...he'd be a TRILLIONAIRE...and that wasn't even counting his fame and how he'd become a bit of a international trend-setter in regards to paranormal investigation...

Naturally you'd think this would improve his social life...and you'd be right...to an extent...

Many people at his school clamored to be his friend...girls practically threw themselves at him...

But Dipper was no fool...Mable had made him suffer through enough 'high-school' drama binge sessions...so he knew better then to suffer through the whole 'suddenly become popular and surround yourselves with fair-weather friends who'll flee at the first sign of trouble' cliche.

No, he refused to forget that these people were the one's who used to scorn, mock, ridicule and flat out ignore him...

Well That and these girls were the same girls who ALWAYS left his valentine mailbox empty and threw punch on him...like HELL was he forgetting that any time soon...

Mable tried to get him to socialize anyway...but Dipper just took this as another reason to distance himself from HER...which sadly, made him only more isolated and lonely...

His parents saw this and tried to figure out something they could do over the upcoming summer that could fix this...

They'd already been considering sending the twins to live with their uncle...and honestly they saw no reason to not still do that.

Looking further into it, they saw the town was rather isolated...SO isolated it wasn't on ANY maps! They didn't even have internet it seems!

In any case, after calling Stan and having him ask around...it seemed like NO ONE knew about Dipper's recent celebrity status...

This cinched it; they reasoned that time away from all the ludicrous amounts of fame he'd had foisted on him, fresh and in a new environment might be just what the twins needed to fix their relationship...among other things...

The twins were fairly neutral and went along with it...Dipper was just happy to not be suffocated by fans anymore...of course he would still be suffocated by Mable...so again, that sort of cancelled each other out...

Mable just REALLY wanted to fix things with Dipper. Evidently all the paperwork was set to go through come summer's end...so unless she got Dipper to change his mind about leaving for college...he'd be leaving HER...

...

But let us leave these two for a moment.

After all, there are other players in this story we have yet to address...

After all...last I checked...neither of the twins are either blonde nor redhead...wouldn't do to make a liar of the title, eh?

...

Wendy Corduroy whistled a tune as she walked back from yet another snooze-fest at school, looking forward to laying down in her beautiful bed-

BOOM!

Wendy just stood their in stunned horror...she looked at the crater that mere seconds ago had been her house, family and her old life...

Far above, Slenderman hefted another flaming meteor up and down in his hand. He turns to the reader. "Ain't I a stinker?"

...

Meanwhile, not too far away...

Preston Northwest was having a rather Ho-Hum day...he sat on a golden armchair, eating edible diamonds while his butler threw his 'old' money into the fire to keep him warm...

"Sir, you have guests waiting for you in your office." Said another butler who'd been surgically remade to look like Alfred Pennyworth on a day Preston had been feeling bored.

Preston snorts, "Unless their richer and more powerful then me, tell them to bugger off. I'm BUSY." Lied Preston as he he ate his roasted Dodo bird...

The butler suddenly looked uncomfortable. "Uh...well...then you have to see them then." Said the butler carefully, knowing how easily Preston was enraged-

"WHAT?!"

-and he didn't disappoint.

"You tell me what to do!? NO ONE TELLS A NORTHWEST WHAT TO DO! YOUR FIRED!"

Suddenly the tile beneath the poor man ejected, sending him flying through the skylight and off into the distance...

Preston again snorted, "The nerve of that man...'you need to see them then'...I literally just said unless their richer then me- BLEH! Whatever, tell whoever's in my office to get lost..."

Another butler nods...then leaves...

While Preston starts using a humanitarian award he recently won as target practice...the butler returns rather pale.

"Uh, SIR? Their VERY insistent you come NOW and their not taking no for an answer..."

"Well have security toss their asses to the curb then! Why are you bothering me!?" Demanded Preston annoyed.

"Sir...your security has already been beaten up by THEIR security team..." Said the man with a nervous gulp.

Preston chuckled, "And they say you have no sense of humor! My security is the best money can buy! Only the Ark society could afford to get better!" He boasted.

"Sir, that's what we've been trying to tell you! THE ARK SOCIETY IS HERE!"

Preston nearly chocked on his solid gold lozenge...

...many days later...

"ONE MILLION DOLLARS?!" Screamed Wendy in shock. Things haven't been great for her...first her family and house get crushed, next the insurance company refused to pay on a technicality(1), then her attempts to pick up the slack for her fathers logging business falls flat leading them to bankruptcy and lawsuits(2) and now she had to pay her father and brothers medical expenses!

'At least Mr. Pines was nice enough to let me bunk at the Shack until I find a new place to live...' Thinks Wendy to herself with a sigh...Then she cups her hands to her face and starts to cry...

She couldn't believe how things went bad for her so quickly...turns out she should've paid more attention when her dad tried to show her the business side of things...who knew?

'Oh, who you trying to fool Wendy? You KNEW it was important. You just didn't CARE. It was just some boring 'adult-thing' you thought you had the luxury to ignore because your a teen...until you COULDN'T.' She groaned to herself.

"Hey, are you okay?"

Wendy turned around to see a young kid looking up at her concerned. Thanks to the pictures Stan had shown around, she recognized him as the nephew that was supposed to come with his sister today. He looked like a nice kid...yet oddly familiar? In any case, the awkward way he blushed and tried NOT to stare at her dishelved cleveage area put the first snicker on her lips in days. Anyway, she smiled warmly at his sincere concern.

"Yeah...I'm...I'm Good- sniff -just...allergies, y'know? That's what we get for living next to a stinking forest, am I right?" Lied Wendy as she brushed away her tears...

Dipper wasn't convinced...but then again...what did he know about girls? So he decided to take her word on it...

"Um...okay...just...know if you need anything, I'll help you." He said honestly.

Wendy politely thanked him as he left...she then sighed as she wondered how the heck she was going to get up this dang shit creek without a paddle.

"Wendy!" Wendy jerked as she was violently grabbed and turned around to see the frantic face of her oldest friend Tambry.

"Whoa! Tambry!" Shouts Wendy as she tumbles out of the chair and unto the floor.

"Do you realize who that was?!"

"Somebody to call an ambulance for the concussion you just gave me?" Grumbled Wendy annoyed as she rubbed the back of her now aching head.

"No! That was Dipper Pines the wizz kid! The overnight trillionaire inventor AND celebrity! LOOK!" She shows the redhead her phone as she still lay on the floor.

Although it was true that this backwards town still didn't have true internet- for some reason the jerks who were SUPPOSED to install it kept baling and never calling back -they did have cellphones...they just couldn't call or reach anyone OUTSIDE the Gravity Falls area. They only got the wifi they did by paying Northwest a yearly fee to use that ONE function of his personal cell tower. It was assumed he also had internet, but he certainly wasn't sharing that with 'poor people' like them!

Anyway, the only other exception was Tambry thanks to a hook-up form her mom(3). They mostly only used it to get tickets online for their favorite move's before anyone else...but this was even better!

"No way..." Said Wendy in stunned belief as she watched a video Dipper negotiating a hostage crisis involving the flying Spaghetti monster ...

"Yes, WAY...we got ourselves a five star VIP on our hands!" Said Tambry amazed...the amazed look then turned thoughtful...then sinister...

"And if you we play our cards right...he could also be the answer to all your current problems." Said a now VERY delighted Tambry.

"Huh?" Asked Wendy confused, not getting it.

"I saw how that kid looked at you...you got the 'sugar' he craves...and the money to buy it'..." Tambry trails off wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

Wendy just looks at her stunned...the horrified.

"I...WHAT?!" Exclaimed a now bright-red Wendy mortified.

"What? It's not like you haven't done it before, let's be honest most of the guy's you've dated where just there for US to mooch off..."

"I...wha...Tambry, were not talking about free corndogs or backstage passes! This is MILLIONS of dollars Were talking about here! Not to mention he's a freaking KID!"

"Who could pay off your family's medical bills and put a roof over your head- she points up to the ozzing pus above them -preferably one NOT full of asbestos and rats?"

Wendy winched...she...she REALLY needed the money...but...was this really okay? Could she really do that?

"I...look, how do we even know this is real?" She deflects as she gestures to the articles on tambry's phone. "I mean...FLAT moon? Leprechaun interview? Mothman sex-change scandal? This reads like tabloid garbage!"

Before this conversation could continue, the doorbell rang.

Stan grumbled as he walked up to the front door, "Yeah, what do you want?" Asked Stan as he opened the door annoyed.

"Okay, look. I don't have all day and I can practically feel my stock worth fall just being NEAR your hovel. So let me be blunt: Your nephew marrying my daughter. How much money do I need to pay you to make that happen?" Asked Preston Northwest flatly.

"Wait, what!?" Screamed Dipper, Pacifica and Wendy at once...

"Dose THAT answer your question?" Said Tambry with a smirk as she started recording...

...III...

TO BE CONTINUED?

(1): Sadly, despite Manly Dan's foresight to buy Meteor Insurance...technically speaking a meteor becomes a METEORITE when it comes to earth...so it didn't count.

(2): poor Wendy, so used to the 'laidback' attitude of policeman like Durland and Blubs...she was completely unprepared for the COMPETENT policeman OUTSIDE Gravity Falls who didn't just brush off her vandalism, assault and grand theft cow as 'kids will be kids'...

(3): Ace Newsrporter Shandra Jimenez.

AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Go to my P,a,t,r,e,o,n account!

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