WHO IS DUMB NOW?
You know, you wouldn't believe how much stuff you can learn if people think you are dumber than them.
Take me, for instance. So, I have these two roommates, Jack and Janet. They are also my best friends.
Jack's one good-looking fella. Big smile, cute eyes, great hair... But what you really need to watch is his hands. They are always straying someplace they have no business to be.
And then there's Janet... How do I best describe her? Oh, I know. Once, Daddy took me on a trip to New York. Boy, did I ever have a great time! All those fun places we went – Oh right, what's that to do with Janet. Here's what. We went to the Metropolitan Museum and saw all those old pictures by Italian guys with big names. I could never remember those. But there's one picture there of a girl named Madonna. And so this Madonna, if only she had shorter hair, would be a dead ringer for Janet. Or if Janet had longer hair, I could've sworn that Italian guy had just snapped a pic of her and had it enlarged and hung up in the museum.
So now you have an idea what Janet looks like, right? And there's one other thing that makes them alike. They both look so innocent you'd think they were born this morning. I don't know who they think they are fooling.
My mother calls it the "butter won't melt in her mouth" look. Although I could never understand this. First off, why would Janet want to get a mouthful of butter? Wouldn't it feel gross if it did melt in her mouth? And if it doesn't melt, what's she gonna do with it, spit it out? She's too much of a lady to do that. Oh well, that'll be her problem. But what does butter in mouth have to do with innocence?
Which reminds me. My mother also uses another old expression – the "come hither" look. I know what that means but I'm not gonna tell you. I'm too much of a lady for that.
So, what Janet has is a "come hither but go away again because butter won't melt in my mouth" look. Messes up all the guys big time. And she thinks she's so smart but if you ask me, she's pretty messed up herself where guys are concerned, and how is that smart? That's asking for trouble, which is pretty stupid.
Oh, and speaking of which. You wouldn't believe the excitement we had here the other day! Although I could do without that sort of excitement, thank you very much.
Now, here's what happened. Janet invited over some guy she'd been at school with or something. Had a huge crush on him, too. The guy comes over... and I swear, I am the only one who can see right through him. Jack's gushing, Mrs. Roper's simpering, and Janet... don't get me started on her. And I can see the guy's bad news as plain as the nose on your face, and I cannot stand him! I know his kind. I've always steered clear of those, unlike my "smart" friend.
So, Jack pulls me out the door to go down to the Regal Beagle and give our lovey-dovey couple some privacy. And I know we shouldn't leave her alone with him! But I also know that if I don't go, Janet will kick me down the stairs with her own two hands.
So, Jack and I are having a drink at the Regal Beagle, and I keep trying to tell him Janet may be in trouble. But you see, Jack's cute but he's kinda slow on the uptake, if you know what I mean. Takes him forever to figure things out. And they think I am the dumb one! It takes me all evening to get through to him! Because he'd rather mess around with me than pay attention to what I am saying.
Finally, like ten hours later, he gets the message. We rush back to the apartment, I'm praying we are not too late... and there's Janet, looking like a sparrow caught in a hurricane. And there's the creep, laid out cold on the floor.
I can see Janet would rather sink through the earth than talk about what's happened. Because you know, if you are used to always being the smartest, it must be real hard to admit you've been pretty stupid. So she mumbles something about him stumbling over a chair... but she's not fooling me none. Because I know what she's capable of. See, she's so small and delicate every jerk thinks he can do whatever he wants with her. Well, they have another think coming. I've seen her literally mop the floor with Jack a couple of times. Yes, I do mean literally! The floor was much cleaner in that spot where Jack had landed than before. And Jack's pants, much dirtier...
And now get this. The idiot wakes up, and first thing he does is again try to put his dirty paws on her! Some people just won't learn from experience. Another genius. Only this time he has to go through me to get to her.
You see, she is three years younger than me but sometimes it feels like she thinks she's my mommy. Like she needs to always be looking out for me and protecting me from everything. Because I am obviously too dumb to survive without her help. Huh? I'm not saying it's not nice of her! I'm not saying I don't appreciate it! I'm just saying I already have one mommy back in Fresno. I don't need another one here in L.A.
And anyway, suddenly the shoe's on the other foot. Because, as the dumbass again tries to jump her... Boy, I sure told him, didn't I?
So, I hold her to me, look him straight in his ugly face and yell: "Hey, don't you hear well? MY FRIEND IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU!" And that does it! You should've seen him fold like a cheap suit! He couldn't get his ass out the door and down the stairs fast enough... Well, okay, Jack might've helped him on his way just a tiny bit.
You'd think that should've shown them who's smart and who's dumb. But then they are too dumb even to figure that out!
Actually, that's fine by me. This way, I get to know things I would never know otherwise. Because after all, who am I? Just dumb little Chrissy, so no need to be careful around me. Because I won't have a clue as to what's going on, anyway.
You know how I was telling you about this Madonna girl who looks just like Janet, with the same butter-in-mouth look? I almost said to her: "Hey, lady, if you are so innocent, how did you get that little cutie in your arms?"
Because you know what I am saying? Everybody knows you can either be innocent or have a baby. Not both. Pick one.
Of course I know! How dumb do you think I am? Not dumb enough to listen to my mother, that's for sure. Oh boy, you'd never believe the load she tried to give me when I asked her! It's a good thing I read a book, so I know anyway.
By the way, I've been wondering about something. Should I tell my mother the truth? It's kinda embarrassing for an adult lady not to know such a simple thing. What do you think?
No, that's not what I was saying at all! I don't mean to say Janet has a baby. Because if she had one, I'm sure Jack and I would've noticed. And so would Mr. Roper. And then where would we be? Out on the street, that's where.
So no, I don't think she's hiding a baby someplace. We don't have that much storage space in our apartment. We barely have room for our bikes, forget about a baby. But I do know she is hiding... well, something. A secret. And of course she thinks I don't know. Because how would I know? I am the dumb one.
So, once early morning, I'm in bed, and I hear Jack come out of his room and trudge to the kitchen to start breakfast. He does that every morning.
Only then Janet suddenly digs herself out from under all those pillows she piles on her head and says, sweet as they come: "Chrissy, honey, it's still very early. Go back to sleep, sweetie. I'll go help Jack with breakfast, and then I'll wake you up when it's ready."
No problem! Not that Jack had ever needed help with cooking. And certainly not Janet's. She's about as much good in the kitchen as I am. Which is to say, no good at all.
But whatever, it's his problem. What do I know, anyway? I close my eyes and drift back to sleep.
Next thing I know, I am awake, and it's, like, thirty minutes later than I should've gotten up! What's going on? If the two of them are still not ready with breakfast –
I walk over to the kitchen door – and it's open just wide enough for me to peep in. And what do you think I see?
I could tell you what those two were doing. But I won't. Because I am too much of a lady. But I can tell you the one thing they weren't doing, and that's making breakfast.
So I think, it's getting late, and unless we have breakfast right away we'll all be late for work, lose our jobs and end up out on the street. I throw the door open and yell: "OK, guys, knock it off!"
Those two stare at me... like they've never seen me before. Like they don't even know who I am! After all this time we've been living together! How dumb is that?
So, I ask you, who is dumb now?
October 2, 2021
