A/N: Hello! Sorry for the silence. I got a little distracted by reading. This week I consumed The Chain of Gold and I'm currently reading The Chain of Iron and loving it! Anyone else a fan, too? So here's the next part to Jonathan's and Clary's story. A year has passed and well...let me know your thoughts and enjoy:)


PART 2

ONE year later...

I smell pines and chocolate, I open my eyes and see dark eyes looking back at me, dark like the night sky. Eyes that hold so much passion and want for me. "Morning little lily." He rolls into me and kisses me deeply, I moan into his mouth. Our bodies connect and every particle within me sighs with relief and utter content. I close my eyes to relish in this feeling of wholesomeness, of not feeling alone. I sigh and open my eyes smiling and suddenly wish I hadn't. The eyes staring back at me are angry and mocking. Pitch black and the opposite of loving. "You disgust me little sister," he whispers with contempt.

I wake up from yet another Jon themed nightmare. It's been like this on repeat since he left one year ago. I've not heard from him, not once. Alec told me that my brother has found a position at the Rio de Janeiro Institute and that he's ok and sends his love. But I know it's a lie. He hates me. I disgust him. He said as much in his horrific parting words to me. I should hate him for how he spoke to me. His last words were words of a stranger, of someone hateful...but as often as I try to hate Jon, I just can't. I'm broken without him and ever since he's left, I'm haunted by these dreams, too. Very erotic dreams of him and me together and often they end like this one just did. I guess his parting words held some truth in them. I am a despicable human being. Sometimes when I have sex with Jace and close my eyes, I feel Jon and smell him, too. But instead of shaking the vision away I cling to it, to the imaginary feeling of him. He was right. I am sick.

I don't know what's happening to me and there's no one I can talk to. I'm surrounded by people, but without my brother I'm lonely and broken. No one realises though. On the outside I am the miss happy sparkles, up for any fun. But inside I'm a broken, sick mess that pines after her brother who hates her. I don't know which is worse.

It hasn't been easy to put on a happy mask this past year. The first four weeks after Jon left, I was comatose in bed. I barely ate or drank and lost a stone in weight. I looked like a corpse. I felt like a corpse, too. Jace, Izzy and Alec as well as Simon were checking in on me daily, telling me stories, reading to me. Jace would play me his recorded piano music. I never spoke, but they relentlessly visited me whilst I spent that time looking out the window or pretending to be asleep. At one point they sent a silent brother in to check on me, but he couldn't quite determine the cause...'Depression' isn't really something that occurs in the Shadowhunter's community. It took me four weeks to find the will to go on. To find a sparkle of hope, that a part of Jon still loves me and that he will come back to me one day and that I needed to be alive when he did, alive and healthy. So I dragged myself out of bed and carried on pretending like nothing happened. I weirded everyone out by my instant and somewhat complete transformation. After spending four weeks in bed, they didn't expect me to reappear seeming fully healed. But I quickly won them over with my happy demeanour, so the questioning soon stopped.

I can hear Jace waking up next to me. We're officially boyfriend and girlfriend now and have been together just under a year. He's been awesome to me and I think I may even be falling in love with him. I really want to. "Hey sweetheart." He smiles at me, " I've got a surprise for you tonight, a date surprise of sorts, so what do you say to you and me and some romance, tonight?" He smiles at me adoringly.

"Really Jace?" I lean over and kiss him sweetly, adding, "That's a great idea. Let me show you how great I think it is." I climb over him and slowly drop kisses down his chest, down his abdomen and go lower still. He groans approvingly and I continue on my journey of perusing his body until I get to his cock and give that part very special attention. Soon enough he's moaning my name in pleasure.

An hour later I'm in Izzy's room. "So Jace is taking me out tonight for a romantic rendezvous. Fancy going shopping with me?"

"Oh yes please Clary. I need an outfit for our parents' leaving meal on Saturday."

"A leaving meal? Am I missing something?"

"You might have missed the announcement and with everything going on at the moment, you know with that Valentine sighting in Mexico, it must have completely slipped my mind. So yeh, our parents are temporarily being deployed to Idris to help with the Valentine crisis and this woman from Rio is coming to lead the institute whilst they're gone."

I've been going through Izzy's CD collection. Valentine is old news, there's always sightings of my illusive father dearest and I doubt they're true...But a woman from Rio. My heart flutters, that means she'll know Jon. She'll have news of him. I stare at Izzy and realise I haven't said anything. She smiles at me sadly. "You still won't tell me what happened between you two, will you?"

I shake my head. "Ok Clary. I get it. Alec and I used to have the worst fights when we were younger. Sibling rivalry and pride, I get it. But I can see how much this pains you. Even now, just hearing about Rio gets you in a hyperventilated state. We're friends, aren't we?"

"Yes Izzy, the bestest of friends, but please understand that I can't share this with you. Not now. Perhaps one day. Please besty?" I give her a toothy smile.

She stills for a second contemplating my answer and goes on as if nothing happened. I like that about her. Izzy never stalls and always takes things in strides. "So anyway. Her name is Amanda. Apparently she's the youngest woman ever to be given the responsibility of leading an institute, let alone one of this size. Mum says she's a stunner and has lots of guys running themselves rugged around her and she's an amazing fighter. So I can't wait to meet her and to train with her." She goes on, but I'm still stuck on that part of which boys have been after her and I can feel myself getting nauseous.

"She sounds great Izzy, I'm also looking forward to meeting her, when is she arriving again?"

Izzy never gets to answer me, as Max comes running into the room looking for a play partner. We quickly escape him and go for a girly shopping trip.

XXX

Jace stops me in front of the institute. We've just had the most amazing romantic night ever. He booked us into a very exclusive restaurant, the table was in a secluded corner where he could kiss me as often as he wanted to, without anyone rolling their eyes at us. The food and wine were exquisite. He even bought me some roses, which is so Un-Jace like.

I'm feeling high from this wondrous evening he planned for us and he must see it. He reaches out to hold my cheek and sighs, "Clary, you are so beautiful when you smile, you know that? Since the day I've met you, you've completely stolen my heart." I freeze and he leans towards me and kisses me fully on the mouth, he pulls me in, then tucks my hair behind my ear, "Clary Fairchild, you've stolen my heart and I don't want anyone else to have access to it, ever. I love you Clary," he whispers in my ear. I feel paralysed, my mouth tastes like ash and panic starts filling me. There's this voice in the back of my mind screaming at me that this isn't right. He hasn't said it since that night when Jonathan left. I ignore the acidy feeling. I give Jace my biggest, warmest, sunniest smile and respond, "I love you, too." What I don't tell him is that I am broken and may never be able to truly mean those three words, but I hope that I will. That one day I will be at least partly healed.

We're walking back into the institute, hand in hand, but my heart is still racing from our exchange. I need to get away, hide in my room, the acid is still churning through my veins. I feel like I'm about to implode. But I wait, pretending. Always pretending that I'm fine. There's a bit of a commotion in the middle of the main hall. People are crowded around this stunning tall woman with long golden locks that reach her lower back. She's wearing skinny jeans and a blue jumper that bring out her beautiful azure blue eyes. She's the sexiest, most stunning woman I've ever seen. With curves in all the right places. She glows like a trojan goddess, she's the complete opposite to my pallid stick figure. More so since I have lost so much weight and never fully regained it.

Suddenly I spot a guy next to her, holding her hand, leaning into her and kissing her. He seems familiar, this tall blond guy. Instantly, my stomach starts filling with butterflies. He turns as if he can hear the fluttering wings in my tummy. "Jon!" Jace exclaims next to me, as he makes his way towards him, "So good to see you man." Jon ignores Jace, he's staring at me. His eyes are chocolate brown, so he sees this woman with eyes that were only ever meant for me?! I can't look away, I'm frozen to the spot and my heart feels like it's about to rip apart, I can't breathe...breathe Clary. With much effort I get hold of myself, turn around and run away.

Hours later I sneak back into the institute. I met up with Simon and we went out and he got me totally, absolutely and undeniably drunk. All I said was 'Jon' and 'Institute' and that's all the explanation he needed to stop querying my alcohol consumption. I can barely walk straight. The world looks swirly. I reach my door, stumble through it and throw myself at my bed.

"Clary." Please no! No! No! I'm imagining him. He's not here. He can't be.

"Clary, I know that you can hear me."

I forgot how velvety his voice can sound. "Little Lily, please look at me." He pauses and I still haven't said a word. I can't look at him. I won't look at him. It's quiet. I can hear an ambulance in the distance. They're probably on their way to us, to resuscitate my heart.

"Clary, I know that you probably hate me. I did and said some truly awful things before I left...but please, please at least look at me and let me apologise to you." I still can't look at him. I'll break down if I do. I can feel him next to me, running his hands through my hair. How did he get near me, I didn't hear him come closer.

"Clary. I love you so much and this past year without you has been hell. I hate myself for saying those hurtful things to you. If you won't even look at me... I don't think you'll let me stay here, will you? That's ok. I understand. I just wanted to apologise. But if you won't let me do that, that's ok, too. I deserve it, I know. I'll leave in the morning. Just know that I'll carry my little lily with me in my heart, always."

His voice sounds raspy. I hear him getting up and walking towards the door. He will leave. He'll leave me again if I don't move. 'Clary move' my heart implores me and so I do. I rush up and run towards Jon. He hears me and turns around. I jump into him, onto him. My legs go around his waist, he holds me in a tight hug and pulls me into him whispering my name over and over again and I break down sobbing.

XXX

"Morning Clary." I open my eyes. I've been afraid to, in case I found him gone. But he's still here. Close to me. Of course his sonic super senses picked up on me being awake. He smiles at me. He looks so happy and healthy. His face is fuller, so he doesn't look as haunted anymore. He has a bit of a tan, which makes him look a lot more 'human' in a way. His eyes are a lovely chocolate colour right now, which means he's content and feels love or that's what I like to think whenever I see this colour.

After breaking down in Jon's arms last night, he carried me to my bed. I sat on his lap and cried for hours, whilst he was stroking my hair and holding me close, rubbing my back, whispering soothing words into my ear. I must have fallen asleep at one point, too exhausted from all the hysterical crying. Oh god, my face must look like a freak show.

I shriek and jump up and run to the bathroom. I lock myself in. I'm scared to look at myself...but I do and yep, it's a horror show. My eyes are red and swollen. All the eyeshadow and mascara have landed on my cheeks and nose instead of remaining in the proximity of my eyes and my lipstick has marked all the areas around my mouth...I want to cry again just seeing this version of me. I need to get a grip. I, Clary, never cry. I'm a freaking super Shadowhunter chic and I should only feel happiness about the fact that my brother has returned and not care about what he thinks I look like. I turn the shower on and start removing all the grime from last night's club off me. Thirty minutes later I feel like new. I re-enter my bedroom, wondering if Jon will still be there.

I can smell coffee and almonds. "Almond croissants," I sigh and hear a chuckle.

"Your favourite Clary, right? Unless things have changed?" He looks at me hesitantly and I shake my head and grin, holding out my hand for the goodies. We sit cross legged on my bed, facing each other. This feels a lot like us before New York. Before things got so bloody complicated.

We've not spoken yet. We're consuming our breakfasts in complete silence, looking at each other carefully. I don't know what to say to him.

Jon wipes his mouth and hands and throws the empty coffee cup and croissant wrapping in the bin. He watches me and sighs. "Clary, a lot has happened this past year. How about we don't force anything? Leave the past in the past for now and concentrate on today, tomorrow and so on? Get to know each other again, spend some quality time together?" He watches me pleadingly, as if he's worried I would press him to talk. To relive those awfully painful weeks before he left. No. I'm quite happy to look forward to the future, too. Living in denial is what I'm great at these days.

"I like the sound of that," I say and smile at him affectionately.

"Good!" He sounds relieved. "How about we go patrolling tonight? Together? Just you and me and kick some demon ass?"

"I'd like that," I say and add, "And afterwards we could go to the Hunter's Moon and see Simon's band?"

"Simon plays in a band? That's awesome. Yeh, let's do that Clary." We smile at each other. There's so much unsaid shit between us. But I don't want to touch that. I'm happy to pretend. For now I'm so happy to have my brother back.

XXX

Later that night Jon and I are returning from our hunt. I've had the most fun in the longest time. We came upon a Shack demon nest and between the two of us, we got them vanquished in no time. There's a lot of ease between us. We're joking and laughing like old times and he teases me relentlessly. We're back at the institute changing out of our muggy clothes before heading out to the Hunter's Moon. I'm all ready and knock onto Jon's door, and walk in. I can hear the shower going, so I sit down on his bed to wait. Something is digging into my side, I look under the covers and find a shoe box. I open it and find lots of pictures of Jon and me. Beautiful images of the two of us growing up. Underneath I find pictures of us in New York and my breath catches. Jon looks awful on those. Haunted and hungred with deep shadows under his eyes, my heart stutters. How did I not see him being this unhappy? I brush his face with my thumb and feel like crying. I should have tried harder to help him, whatever made him feel this way. I lift the last picture and see lots of envelopes. Envelopes that are sealed and stamped and addressed to me, but obviously never posted. 'What is this' I mutter to myself.

"What are you doing?!" I look up and see Jon angrily walking towards me. "This is my stuff Clary, have some respect for my privacy."

"Sorry," I mutter. "Sorry Jon, I really didn't mean to upset you."

That's when I look up and see him standing there in front of me with only a towel wrapped around his hips. His body is utter perfection. Tall and lean and just godly. I can't take my eyes off him. He's still not fully dry and water drops move down his chest. I follow one in particular and see it sliding across his perfect abs and lower, down his sexy V shape and lower still...my mouth feels dry.

"I'll wait outside," I rasp out and leave, without daring to look at him. 'God Clary, fucking get a grip' I'm running my hands over my face to get rid of the heat I'm feeling and the tension. Then I realise that I'm wearing make-up which I have effectively smeared all down my face. I'm a mess. What is wrong with me?! I head back to my room, intending to fix my face. I enter quickly and pull out an envelope from under my top and hide it away with my diary. Luckily I managed to pinch one of those letters without Jon noticing. I plan to read it later.

I meet Jon outside his room and apologise for making him wait. He smiles at me with ease and I feel relief that he's ok with me, after the little mishap in his room. We make our way to the bar and I tell him all about Simon, how close we've become. The artist's group we've joined and how awesome his band is and that he totally has the hots for Izzy, and that I think Izzy likes him, too.

"But they're not showing off their feelings yet because of the whole Downworlders versus Shadowhunters palava," I tell him and add, "I wouldn't care if I was them."

At that Jon looks at me perturbed, "Clary, you can't love a demon! Ever. I won't allow it. Nor would our parents approve!"

"Shut up Jon, I'm an adult. I can do what the hell I want. Now that you mention it, I do really fancy Raphael, Simon's maker." I wink at him before he continues chastising me and I can see that he got my joke. I'm so ecstatic to have him back. I pull his arm to make him stop and look up at him, smiling. "I'm so grateful that you came back to me. You don't know how I have missed you." I hug him and feel his arms move around me. He lifts me up slightly and I can feel his nose grazing my ear, Heat pools in my stomach. Get a grip, Clary.

"I've missed you more than you can ever imagine, Clary," he breathes into my ear and adds, "Now let's go and toast our reunion."

We enter Hunter's Moon and Jon puts his hand on my lower back to nudge me through the entrance. The touch sends an electric shock through my body and my skin goes tingly again. By the angel, what is going on with me. I look at him quickly to make sure he hasn't noticed anything. We walk towards the bar and I wave Maia over.

"Who's this Clary?!"

"This Maia, is my brother, Jonathan." I smile and the werewolf checks him out approvingly.

Jon leans into me and whispers into my ear, "Someone has been a busy body making friends." I look up and grin at him cheekily, but all I can think of is that hot breath on my ear and how it's spreading across my skin.

"Two Gin and Tonics and a Pilsner, please," Jon tells Maia.

"Jon, I'm not an alcoholic, whatever you may think after seeing me drunk last night," I chuckle and smack his arm.

"I know Clary, the second drink is for someone I want you to meet," he smiles at me delicately and adds, "Someone very special to me."

I'm starting to feel paralised. I want to protest that tonight was supposed to be about us and I'm also starting to feel terribly afraid about this 'special person' he wants me to meet. I follow after him and he leads me to one corner of the bar and there sits Amanda, reading a book. Beautiful, sexy Amanda. Jon loves reading. I bet it's one of the many things they share. I'm having an inner freak session, but if this last year has taught me anything, it's how to pretend to the outside world that everything is ok. I put the silliest grin on my face and no one is any wiser.

"Amanda, this is my sister Clary." Jon points at me and then adds, "And Clary, this is my fiancé Amanda." He leans towards her and kisses her on the lips before plopping into the seat next to her.

"Clary are you ok?" Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. 'HIS FIANCÉ?!' I give them both a big smile.

"That's wonderful Jon, I'm so happy for you! So lovely to meet you Amanda. Can you excuse me? I'll be right back. I just promised to wish Simon good luck for his show. I'm his lucky charm he tells me." I add another smile for good measure, turn around slowly and like in a trance walk towards the back stage, then I make a sudden right turn and run into the bathroom.

I'm locking myself in a stall. I'm hyperventilating. My blood runs cold through my veins. I'm feeling too many things at once, I'm drowning in this feeling and there's pressure building in my chest. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. There's no way out. I pull my sleeve up. I pull my blade out of the sheath and without thinking, I slice the blade across my arm. Instantly the pain grounds me. I repeat it three times and slide down to my butt. I breathe in and out slowly and keep repeating to myself 'Jon looks happy Clary. You've just missed him. That's all. Breathe Clary. This is good for him. He's found love. He loves someone enough to want to share his life with her. This is good. I'm happy for him' I keep repeating the same sentence, but in between I get flashes of Jon in front of me, staring at me with dark eyes and saying the words 'You're mine' to me.

When I finally calm myself enough to see people again, I cover my arm with an iratze. My wounds are healed by the time I head towards the exit and bump into Jon outside in the corridor.

"Clary are you ok? Sorry, I just thought I'd check on you. I asked Simon, but he said that you've not been to see him yet. Wait, are you hurt?" He grabs my arm and pulls up my sleeves.

"Why is there blood on your sleeve?" Jon and his bloody demon senses. I should have been more careful in hiding my tracks.

I pull my arm back, "Jon, we're Shadowhunters. We get hurt daily. I must have gotten wounded and not realised. I just applied an iratze, it's all good. It was only a small scratch. Alright?"

I see him studying me, he looks like he wants to say something more, but he stops himself. We start walking back to the table where Amanda sits. The beautiful, perfect Amanda. Jon slides in next to her and he looks at her with such love in his eyes, it feels like a sharp blade is running across my ribcage. I can't do this. I hate myself for it, but I'm not ready. This is too much too soon. They're looking at me now. I see Amanda studying me with a warm smiling face. I bet she doesn't have a bad bone in her body. "I'm really sorry guys, but I'm not feeling too well. Long night, little sleep. You know how it is. I'm going to head back to the institute if that's okay?"

"We can take you?" Jon says and starts to gather his stuff.

"No need. I'm perfectly well enough to get back by myself. You guys stay and have fun."

"You sure, Clary? We wouldn't mind."

"Please. Stay." I implore him, waving my goodbye, before making my way towards the exit.

I start heading back towards the institute, but everything within me still feels so incredibly raw. As if I'm about to snap. I can feel everything within me stretching and grazing my sides. I make a last minute decision and change my direction. I walk swiftly through the streets of New York. Twenty minutes later I get to a dingy alleyway in the industrial part of the city. It's the middle of the night, but I'm far from worried that something is lurking in the dark corners. I would almost welcome it. I spot the heavy iron door. There's a poster with fangs on it. Very subtle indeed. I pull it open and the sound of electro music hits my ears. My body is buzzing in response. I move down the stairs, red lights are illuminating the way, another subtle decorum addition. You have an image in your mind when you think of a vampire bar, the fangs bar meets every one of those expectations. Raphael likes to play into the vampire stereotype. I spot him by the bar and move towards him. Two pretty mundane girls hang on his arms on either side. Establishments such as these are hidden and kept secret from the Clave. Mundanes come here freely, seeking adrenaline kicks from the supernatural. Only, they don't know it. They come seeking some kind of high and that's how they get here. They get glamoured of course and won't remember the next day that they were giving up their blood freely to these demons. Noone ever dies, as Raphael takes such things very seriously, and the Clave is none the wiser.

Simon let the existence of the fangs bar slip one night when we got really drunk and then looked horrified, realising what he had done. I promised him to never mention it, but I was curious and decided to pay it a visit last year and here we are.

"My favourite Nephilim." Raphael gives me a smoldering look and waves the mundane girls away. They leave, giving me an evil eye. I grin at them knowingly. Raphael is a hottie for a vampire. He pushes a Manhattan Martini my way and I nod at him my thanks, then turn around to look at the dance floor. Vampires, demons, mundanes, all mixing as one, getting lost in the sound of the beat. There is something beautiful about this. Yes, there are vampires hidden away in all corners, drinking blood, but when you ignore that little fact, this place has a charm. There is something wonderful about all species mingling in absolute harmony.

"Dance with me." I look up at Raphael and accept his hand. He pulls me towards the dance floor and into his strong body. Heat emanates from him even though he should be cold as death. "You look beautiful tonight." I look up and see him giving me smoldering looks. I smile and he swirls me into a turn and so we dance. It's magnetic and I feel free. The knots of acid are starting to loosen within me. All I can feel are Raphael's strong arms around me, all I can hear are the erratic beats around us. I feel wild and could completely get lost in the feeling of this.

"Do you want to? Tonight?"

It's loud around us, but he's whispered the words into my ears. I want to very much. He sees me nod and pulls me off the dance floor, towards a door at the back of the bar. We walk through a red velvet covered hallway into a sitting room of sorts. Everything is elegantly decorated and reeks of wealth, but I like it. I like the opulence of it, as I know it'll never be a part of me. He pulls me towards the sofa and we sit down.

"I've missed you," He says.

"I'm sorry. Jace. Jace, if he knew...I feel guilty sometimes."

"Ah yes, perfect Jace." He studies me. "Has something happened?"

In the time we've known each other, Raphael has learned to read me. I guess it's the centuries worth of experience. These days I think that he's the only one who sees the black spots in my soul. "My brother," I sigh, "He's back. Happy and engaged."

"That upsets you?"

I look at him and the pain must be written across my face.

He takes my chin in his hand, "It's the pain within you, it won't let you feel happiness for him and that makes you feel guilty?"

"Something like that." I mutter and move my wrist towards him.

"We don't have to Clary. If you just want to talk? I am your friend afterall."

"Why are you so nice to me, Raphael?"

He studies me carefully, "Simon loves you like a sister and I guess I also see myself within you."

I take the words in. My insides are still burning. "I need my mind off everything. Please?" I nudge my wrist towards him. Raphael takes it, strokes the inside of my delicate skin, before moving his mouth against my veins.

"Nephilim," He inhales me and a moan escapes his lips before I feel his fangs piercing the skin of my wrists. The pain grounds me, cool lava shoots through me and takes me to another sphere. A world where there is no pain. A place of nothingness. Calmness assaults me and these are probably the only moments that I will feel completely at peace. Yes, Raphael and I have a special sort of understanding. An addiction of sorts, in which neither of us can say 'No' to the other and if anyone were to find out...

Xxx

Clary, my little lily,

It's been ninety days since I last held you, ninety days since I was whole. I'm a broken man without you. Your absence haunts me every second of every day. I wake up in the middle of the night smelling lilies around me, on me, you're everywhere. Then I realise it's a dream and scream in despair. I want to find you, to hold you, to apologise to you most of all.

I was so wrong about the words I spoke to you. Please believe me. I only said those things to make you let me go. You wouldn't have let me leave without making you hate me. And I couldn't stay. I couldn't stay and fill your life with my darkness, penetrate it with my sick mind. Please know that.

You are what my demon wants. You were right. He screams at me daily for leaving you behind. He haunts me at night with memories of you, with the taste of your blood, the feel of your body against mine, the taste of your skin. The sound of your voice.

Those dreams of you are so real, I long to have you here under me right now, to bury myself in you, to make you mine forever. The demon has claimed you for his and he won't let go until I reciprocate.

But I cannot have him have you. I can't have you. You know that, don't you? God if you only knew the things you make me feel. I love you too much to taint you with me. You, who are purer than the purest of angels, my sweet little sister. You are too good for anything I can give you. I will only end up taking and taking until there's nothing left of you. I would hate myself for it, even more than I already do.

So here I am, fixing myself for you. And one day I will return to be there for you, as your brother.

Yours forever Jon

I read and re-read the letter a hundred times and more. I hold it to my lips, to my heart. He wants me. He longs for me. Or at least he did. Does he still? 'I long to have you here under me right now, to bury myself in you, to make you mine forever', I repeat those words over and over and I can't get them out of my head. His need for me is so raw, it fills me with a gnawing all over.

He's engaged, I tell myself. He's fixed himself out of wanting me. So he doesn't want me anymore, right? But he did. It says here that he did. Simon was right, he did want me. When he looked haunted all those times? He wanted me then.

I replay the past, trying to pinpoint moments between us, when his behaviour seemed questionable. He's wanted me for a long time. But I didn't feel it then, right? And now he's managed to get over me and he's getting married. What am I saying? He's your brother, Clary. He's part demon. What's your excuse?

I see flashes of him, of Jon looking at me hungrily, his breath on my skin. Jon in a towel this morning. The realisation that I'm utterly and undeniably attracted to him hits me like a bolt of lightning. I replay our blood exchange. I wanted him at that moment. I ached to feel him inside of me in those few minutes. I shake my head out of this longing. It's not like we could ever be together. This is insane. What is wrong with us. Or at least what is wrong with me? Jon obviously found a fix named 'Amanda'.

Don't be harsh on him! He deserves happiness and wanting me has made him miserable. Like he said, 'It's unnatural.' I want him to be happy. I should help him achieve this. What about me though? What about my heart?

I was fine when I came back from Raphaels'. I felt clear headed. Strong enough to open the letter I stole. I wish I hadn't. This internal battle of the heart and soul continues until the early hours of the morning.

Xxx

I'm exhausted. I need coffee. I slept for about two hours. I head to the kitchen with coffee on my mind. Today is going to be a good day. I'm going to be alright. Jon will never know my inner turmoil. I want him to be happy and Amanda is that for him.

I stall, I can see a naked back. A back covered with old scars from when it used to get whipped by demon metal. I'm locked into space. I can't move, but I have to. Jon and Amanda are in a full on make out session on the kitchen island and I am witness to this. I am witness to Jon making out, to Jon half naked, to his hips pressing into her. 'This should be me' a voice whispers to me. I inhale to calm my wretched mind.

"Morning guys. Sorry to interrupt. But I'm dying for coffee. Coffee anyone?" I have plastered a convincing grin onto my face and my high pitched voice makes them jump apart instantly.

"Sorry Clary", they giggle in unison. Since when does Jon giggle? I portray complete ease, as I make my way towards the coffee maker. However, on the inside I'm a whirlwind of too many emotions to distinguish what I am feeling exactly.

I hear Jon behind me, "I'll have a coffee, please. Do you want any breakfast Clary?"

"No, I'm good thanks."

"I'll see you at the meeting guys," Amanda shouts as she's leaving. I'm glad she is. I'm not used to this. Jon with a girl. He's never had a girlfriend. He's had a lot of one night stands, but I was never privy to them. Not until that awful exposure to that horror show that last night before he left. He's always kept girls separate from our home life. However, this... This engagement crap. It reeks on so many levels.

"Are you feeling better, Clary?"

I shake myself out of my thoughts and glance at Jon, "Yeh, of course." I suddenly realise that his glorious upper half is naked. He's a beautiful work of art. All harsh lines and power. 'Fuck!' I need a subject change, "Fancy training after the meeting?"

Jon agrees and we sip coffee. It's silent. I don't know what to tell him. It never used to be like this.

"What do you think the meeting will be about?"

Jon seems to contemplate it for a moment, "It's about Valentine, there's been another sighting in South America."

"Oh really? Do you think he's there, because you know, you lived there?"

"No, I think it's just a coincidence."

"It's odd though, isn't it? How the last time he was seen was ten years ago and his first sighting after so many years of radio silence is right there, where you spent the last year. I guess you were the last person to see him alive, too. It's been quiet and now all these sightings. It's like he wants us to know that he's out there. I don't like this."

"I know Clary, but don't worry. I won't let him get near you. I'll get to him before he does."

"But what about you Jon? I don't even know him. But you, he's your dad isn't he? Although, how can any father do this to his child." I touch his long scar that's just off his shoulder and run my finger across it. Jon's breath hitches. I look up at him, "Are they still sore sometimes? Sorry, I didn't mean to."

I see Jon studying me carefully. "Clary," he sighs and pulls me into a hug. My face is pressed into his bare chest. My nose is against his naked flesh and he smells delicious. Woodsy and chocolaty and I never want to be away from this. From him.

"They are sore sometimes, especially when cold fingers touch them," he laughs and pulls me closer. "And you don't have to worry about me. Valentine won't get to us, I won't let him. Trust me, ok?" He kisses my cheek and lets me go.

"Come on, let's head to this meeting."

I'm too dazed to respond. I miss his bare closeness already.