The Queen gives up the Crown

It has been a few days already, since Ryuji's hospitalization. Even now, none of the members of the thieves feel remotely motivated into meeting up together again, as it really felt empty without Ryuji being in their squad. Now, he is mostly preoccupied in fighting for his own life, in his comatose state.

But out of all thieves, Ann was struck the worst by this selfless sacrifice, as the friends concerningly enough, were not able to reach her yet, despite constant messaging.

But this wasn't the only problem the thieves are faced with... none of them felt the courage to speak up anymore, as they were busier distracting themselves somehow to cope with the temporary loss of their closest comrade...

...among them was Makoto. She was sitting in her room, at her desk, trying to distract herself, by studying for the upcoming college exams of the first semester and though they were still two months away, she wanted to use her time more appropriately...

...though, she really wished she could. As she was mostly busy sulking, as this reminded her way too much of her study sessions with Ryuji, who is now no longer with them for the time being.

And soon, she grew so tired of this, as it is a rare case of impossibility for her to chill down and focus on her studies, to the point where she frustratingly began growling and grabbed her books, just to throw them all onto her bed, covering her face with both hands, as she tries to find some inner peace, while saying out loud in a quite frustrated tone:

"For god's sake, Ryuji, why did you do this?! You had selflessly risked your own life before! What were you thinking, are you stupid?! I mean, tsk, of course you are, after all, why would you even need MY help then! And now because of you, I can't even focus on my studies anymore, since they give me some whiplash from the time when I was your tutor... screw off, will you! Get out of my-"

She then slaps herself, as she needs to focus, as it makes her sound like a mad person having a fit, while being short on medication.

"No, Makoto, focus! You are a professional. You shouldn't let this idiocy of epic proportions throw you off... ... ... ... ... ...but who am I kidding? Why does this bother me so much? He sacrificed himself a second time... but why does this sting even worse than before... is it a bad conscience?"

She leans back in her chair, looking so very confused at her own feelings right now... she could only grasp at straws and not figure out a clear reason as to why a former team member, that clearly had every intention of leaving, would still come back for them, despite his open distaste for them. She just couldn't form a concise argument on Ryuji's line of actions and words.

"Why would he come back for us? Why would he still back us up, despite him hating every one of us? We mistreated him once, but so what? We're friends, normally, it should be abundantly clear, when one is just being unnecessarily nasty to someone and one just performing harmless friendship banter, where some nastiness can be forgiven for the sake of fun. Like, Ryuji never even ONCE told me that this bothered him so much, it just seemed as if he didn't even care about that anymore. As if he waited for the deadline to be crossed, but apparently... that never happened. And yet... why didn't he tell me? We did share some private info while I was his tutor and never once did, he bring this up... what's the deal with this? Why does it matter, suddenly?"

However, in this very instance, when she asked that specific question... it felt like thunder striking her from above... her face goes blank, as it began dawning upon her like a tidal wave shaking her subconscious, as she remembered what her own police commissioner studies taught her at one point: A liar can be easily detected via three signs: Reflecting away from oneself, always blaming someone else or talking about a supposed witness.

In that case, not all of it applied, but whenever Makoto and Ryuji would have chitchat, he'd always look away from her, avoiding looking her in the eye, whenever things got too personal... every time she'd bring up questions about his future or how his mother was doing... he'd either never give a clear answer or just make up excuses that never sounded convincing.

"This might be a hint... I need to look it up..."

She turns on her computer to surf through the internet, looking up articles about all cases in which a classmate named "Ryuji Sakamoto" was involved. She found articles about a family member with the same second name as Ryuji, having been involved in a hit-and-run, while being under the influence of alcohol. The police report also read that this man has admitted to having abused both his wife and his son, while he was already on probation from a drunken bar fight, which he had been part of, many times already.

And on top of everything, Makoto also decided to use her school exclusive account on the Shujin school's website to look up a record on Ryuji's involvement with the Kamoshida incident, while she was announced the student council president and what she read literally turned her stomach... she felt her chest tightening and her gut boiling, as she felt the urge to vomit on the spot from the amount of pressure, while reading through the school record... all of it came together...

"Broken leg... physical trauma... psychological scars inflicted in private... near expulsion from the school... the sports club for track running fell apart..."

She felt her heart sinking...

This was the point when she finally understood the true reason for her discomfort. It wasn't just Ryuji almost knocking at death's door... all of this, that had happened in his life, could have easily been prevented by HER hand. And yet, she did the next best thing... which was nothing. At the time, her election to the student council president office was crystal clear, despite her lack of popularity among the student body, as she was mostly mocked for being too high strung and too goody-goody. But her popularity decreased even harder, when information about the Kamoshida incident began leaking out and soon reaching the local newspapers... basically, indirectly exposing of how little she truly cared about the students and favored a recommendation letter over everything else...

...but this very indifference is what caused her to be the very reason, as to how Ryuji's life went even deeper down into the abyss, similar to Ann, Shiho and Mishima. But strictly speaking, Ryuji's suffering was premature, it was present with him, ALL ALONG, ever since he could think.

So, the mental damage that this Kamoshida incident, combined with the domestic abuse he had suffered at home AND the "greeting" of him after Shido was finished, must have inflicted upon him... she didn't even dare imagining it...

She understood now... Ryuji has always had every reason to hate both her and the rest of the team, for having coldly ignored his own demons. Preoccupied with their jobs as Phantom Thieves, never once did it truly cross their minds, of slowing down for a moment to help someone in need, that was just right next to them on the bus. He was within reach... but they didn't do a damn thing to help, being clouded with the assumption of him being a tough guy, that never gets himself down over "pointless banter"...

...but that "pointless banter" was far too personal. And even with them having seen each other's pain... that was never the case with Ryuji. He never dared showing his wounds, as he always wanted to be seen as the tough guy, who cannot truly feel pain... which was a straight out lie.

And a haunting image just reentered Makoto's memory and it involved her having seen a depressed looking Ryuji, after having been elected as student council president, sitting on a bench at the school, obviously sending out silent cries of help or at least, someone to talk to...

...and she just ignored him, thinking it wasn't "a big deal". Now armed with the knowledge of what kind of person Kamoshida was, what he had done to the students and how Ryuji was a certified victim of domestic abuse at the hands of a drunken father...

...she felt like filth. All of this was her fault. No sense in denying it, too, considering Ann's previous words before her awakening.

FLASHBACK

Ann: "Ah yes, of course. A recommendation letter. Is this what you're after? You'd do anything to get one, even if it means walking over dead bodies for it."

FLASHBACK ENDS

"...Ryuji... you were crying for help... but I coldly pretended to not hear you..."

She began lowering her head on the desk, trying to let her brain process this shocking revelation of hers. All this time, she was led to believe, all of what had transpired until now, was due to plain misfortune and bad moods plaguing their team, but... this was not the case, not ever. The main core of the problem was not just that Ryuji had suffered so much bullshit over the years, always being excused with, "it's nothing personal, it's just for fun", which is truly way harder to forgive and swallow from the perspective of a person, who had suffered through the legit type of physical and emotional abuse before... no, the main problem was simply this: She was the ONE and ONLY person, who could have done something about this. She could have saved Ryuji's life that day. She could have been there for him, during a really dark place in his life, where he knew no other exits. It was all within her grasp and ability to step in and save him from even an even worse fate...

...but she ended up doing NONE of the sort. Because of her own delusions of escaping responsibility with a recommendation letter, which were all spoon-fed to her by all the teachers around her, who were purposely trying to cover it all up and she blindly bought into it. All because of her and her alone... is the blonde rebel the way he is today.

Which would also explain why she grew so smitten with him during their study sessions. She was just indirectly searching for an excuse to not feel that guilty. She may not have realized it up until that point, but deep down, something was telling her: Ryuji bears greater value, than she and anyone else close to him, was willing to openly confess. He could have truly become a star on the track... but because she didn't bother reporting it back then, thus causing her student to fall even harder from grace... Now his future is all written in the stars. Now it all comes back to haunt her conscience and she was feeling all of it raining down upon her like hot tar. She began sobbing, with her lower lip quivering, as she was struggling with the tears to keep them from leaking out...

"For Pete's sake... of course he'd stick around for me... he genuinely respected me... he called me "cool"... he called me "awesome"... but all I had done to him was being a complete failure as a human being... he was looking for a guiding torch... I was the torch... and yet, I put myself out willingly... because I wanted to evade responsibility... like the coward I really am... deep down, I knew it... and yet, he still accepted me... goddamnit...!"

She swallowed her own saliva, stood up, grabbed the keys and her jacket, just to leave the apartment in a haste without awakening Sae from her slumber, just to reach her motorcycle downstairs, fighting the tears, before speeding off into the night with the moon being her guiding torch to her desired destination... and because of it being in the middle of the night, the streets were not that crowded, meaning, she was free to speed along as much as she pleased...

...soon, she reached a cliff, in the outskirts of Tokyo, with a magnificent view out there to see the wide and steep waters of the ocean. She stopped her bike and parked it behind a rock, only to just jump off and run straight for the small platform from which she could gaze up to the moon...

...and the moment she did that, her tears really began leaking down her cheeks, sobbing with a broken heart, as she began shrieking in indescribable agony at the moon, which is accompanied by her agonizing sobs, before shrieking even more, wanting to find relief, away from this pain, this torturous heartache she was feeling, as though she was a wolf howling at the moon…

She felt trapped. With nowhere to go, nowhere to find comfort and safety... it felt as if though the ones above, have left her to freeze her to death... the emptiness in her heart, the gaping hope, only expanded, when she remembered Ryuji's words before he left...

FLASHBACK

Ryuji: "Hey, assholes! Do you think I founded this team for the fun of it? Just for self-satisfaction means. Very funny. Last time I checked, the confused amphibian creature right at your feet has always ordered us around, just so he is allowed to sully Ann's precious region below the belt... but of course, I am to blame for all the bad things that spiral down here! And to tell the truth, I don't even care, if you have your own reasons for being thieves, if you are freaking able to be frank about them! But you can't do that, can you?! Tell you what? Screw off! I'm out of here!"

FLASHBACK ENDS

"Now I see what he meant... we are supposed to be role models... that are supposed to put the well-being of others above ours... this very basic principle... got completely contradicted, the moment we all decided to repeatedly get on Ryuji's case 24/7... sure, he was not perfect and not the brightest... but what right do WE have any way to treat him like this...? And he ate it up, all of it... because we kept bringing up this half-assed lie about us being "friends"... what a joke, we are, especially me, for not noticing his sadness. We had to criticize him every now and then, but it really seemed like, we went way too far at one point and the boiling pot was with us just leaving him there, near the parliament, after Shido's defeat…"

She sobbed even harder than before and the tears would just not stop, ever... she felt like a true failure... she simply could not find any forgiveness in heart, whatsoever... because Ryuji is not with them anymore...

She grasped at her own elbows tightly, as her chest began having cramps again, as the tears kept flowing...

"Ryuji... come back... we're sorry... no... no...! I am sorry... for not noticing it sooner... if you have to hate someone... let it out all on me... I failed you, the very moment we truly allowed to get along... since I robbed you of your future..."

Suddenly, her Thief mask shows up on her face... and it begins letting out loud cracking sounds, before eventually shattering to pieces, signaling, that her rebellious will was completely blown to bits. Her inability to forgive herself and her desire to see Ryuji again, made her stand up off the ground, leaving everything behind and aimlessly walking towards a grassy field...

"Ryuji... sis... please, forgive me..."