Stepbrothers

Chapter Six

For several nights, Loki had nightmares.

In his bad dreams, he saw a terrified blond boy behind a tiny bathroom window, slamming his bloody hands on the hard glass and screaming for help. His copper-red hand-prints covered the surface with blood, until he disappeared under the traces.

Sometimes, the blond boy turned into present Thor and sometimes, his hair turned black and he became a younger Loki.

Sometimes, Loki was awakened by his own screams. Those times, not only was he totally confused, but he had his bed surrounded by a startled Fran, an annoyed Larry and a pale-faced, real-life Thor standing quietly at the door.

"This can't go on, son !" Larry used to say in those moments. "It's been weeks since you're turning this house upside down at night ! What on earth is wrong with you ?!"

Loki would have loved to tell everyone everything he knew but most of the times, he kept quiet, shaking his head, unable to speak while a pair of worried steel-blue eyes were looking at him.

It was harder than ever to escape this silent blue glare.

Sometimes Loki found himself smarter than everyone. Not right now. Right now, he wished he had a second butt or another pair of legs so he can smack himself one for being a huge ass. He was in it like without-paddle-deep and it was his one and only fault.

He wanted to play a game that had tremendous consequence and like a know-it-all little kid he had fallen into the trap. He had learned things that shouldn't be learned and cannot be un-learned.

Thor's and his mother's past.

Thor. The boy with bloody hands beating at the tiny window.

Now, it was impossible to separate beautiful, strong and present Thor with that nightmarish vision. It was almost eerie. Thor ? Football quarterback Thor ? A former victim of parental abuse and neglect ? Right here and now he looked more like he would punch his abuser to the ground and send him to the hospital for the duration as a favor. It was equally impossible to picture the more than capable and ambitious Fran as a battered or, even worse, locked up woman...

On the other hand, that was maybe easy to imagine because both of them were strong enough to survive it, move on with their lives without a backward glance and even succeed beyond any statistics known about victims of abuse. Only them could go on, apparently unscathed... Apparently.

Because now, Thor's possessive attitude might have a reason Loki didn't want to reflect upon. And more so, Fran and her will to provide for the motherless Loki and act the perfect wife for the widower Larry might also have a sinister side.

On one hand, it might be another proof they wanted to put the past behind and be happy.

On the other, they might be both so traumatized they were both doing too much, too soon, too fast. Really ? Getting married after a month or two of relationship ? Falling in love with your future stepbrother ? Being jealous and making a scene for talking to some girl ?

And the other big problem was, what to do with this little piece of information ? This tiny little detail that might blow everything up and destroy their lives forever ?

Before Loki felt alone because he was dallying in self-pity and emotional auto-drama. Now, it was because he had set his foot where he shouldn't have and couldn't tell a soul about it.

Except...

No he didn't want to go that path.

Shut his trap and live on. That was the only option for now. He had to take responsibility and shut up. For now.

And not to interfere and not be a smart-ass. Until further notice.

The wedding was coming and fast. Invitations were sent, costumes were made, caterer ready, so were flowers, gazebos, napkins and so on... Once upon a time, Loki would have wanted to throw up at what he deemed an insult to his mother. Now he just wanted it over with as fast as possible. Whether it was a good thing or not, only time would tell. That was not the biggest issue right now. Fran didn't seem a threat to Larry, on the contrary.

The biggest issue was tall, blond, finely muscled and damn annoying.

Thor was holding back. Loki gave him that. But since the nightmare crisis that lasted a few weeks, Thor was clearly trying to act like a nanny. Checking him at night, watching his diet (to Thor's defense, that was an issue: Loki was eating less and less due to his inner tension) and even demanding that Loki drinks a beverage of milk and honey supposedly to help him sleep. That would have been hilarious if Loki had not been so nervous. To avoid any discussion, Loki complied to everything, even ridiculous little things like going to school and back together. Something they never did (or more likely something that Loki deliberately avoided).

But instead of soothing Thor, it was just getting him more worried. Mostly because Loki was also preventing any kind of serious discussion between them, making only boring small talk about the wedding and school and college, that kind of stuff.

" Sure you're okay ? No nightmares ?

Yes, Thor. not any since last Sunday.

I'm worried about you... We've been under a lot lately..."

Nah, really ? Ya sure ? Loki was so exhausted about all this worrying. He understood Thor up till a certain point... But he wasn't helping. He was just meddling because Loki was acting weird and Loki was acting weird because of the vision of a young boy with bloody hands that used to be Thor and that totally obsessed him and that was the reason he COULDN'T EFFIN TALK !

"Loki ?! What did you say ?! Why can't you talk ? Talk about what ?!"

Loki could have jumped out of his skin. He had just spoken his thoughts aloud !

Nothing, I was just thinking... Let's go home."

He was about to go on the way when he felt a hand grabbing his arm and Thor pulling him on the side of the street, on an isolated alley where no one could see them. He put Loki on the wall but not really rough like, firm enough to make a point without hurting Loki.

Loki, I need to know. First, you say you want some distance between us. I understand and I respect that. As you seemed more cool about the wedding I thought things were getting better, but now ? You isolate yourself more and more. You barely speak to anyone about anything, not even your own father ! You scream in the middle of the night, you look at me and my mom and even your father as if we are ghosts or something and you don't even eat properly ! Loki, I want to know the truth : are you using ?!"

For several long seconds, Loki wondered if he had heard correctly. Then, he burst out laughing so hard he had to hold on Thor's arms not to fall on the ground.

It's not funny, Loki ! You're acting like a lunatic ! Are you using, yes or no ?!

Loki stopped laughing. Indeed, it was not funny. He was sick and tired of being judged, watched over, spied on, lectured and patronized like a five years old. Especially by this guy who felt so superior and know-it-all, this guy who fell out of nowhere to turn his life upside down, this guy who had a shady history... Who might...

Indeed Thor, it's not funny." Loki pulled Thor roughly. "It's not funny that my mother is being conveniently forgotten because that perfect mother of yours came into the picture. It's not funny that I am quietly pushed aside to allow your football glory to shine just because I am NOT my father's son of his dreams. It is not funny to watch all of this knowing that the stepbrother that is being forced on me is actually in love with me or at least pretends to be for whatever reason !

I am not pretending... " Thor was red with shock and his mouth was opened in a comical O. "Look, I know right now things are hectic but I swear to you we're not...

Stop swearing ! Stop making excuses ! Stop being so much aware of what I am feeling or thinking or experimenting because I don't know who you are, I don't know who your mother is and you both have trampled on my life ! How can I not be paranoid, Thor ? How am I not going crazy seeing two perfect strangers forcing their way into MY family ? How am I not feeling totally insecure ?!

Thor opened again his perfect O to close it and did it several times. A various set of emotions crossed his face like clouds, not setting on any. Then, an immense sadness seemed to overwhelm him and his shoulders simply sunk as he sighed.

Loki, be fair. You never tried to know me or my mum. You never did the slightest effort to talk to us or even listen to us. You shut us down the minute my mom set foot in your house..." He sighed. "Do you think we're that selfish and intrusive ? We tried discretion, we were respectful not to push you too much or even not to listen to your father too much. To be honest, HE is the pushy one...

Loki gave Thor an angry glare. He didn't like people commenting Larry's defects, even if they were real.

He IS, Loki. He's the one who invited my mom to live in the house. He's the one trying desperately to escape Francesca's shadow !

It was like a slap on Loki's face.

Hearing his mother's name for the first time in almost two years and said aloud by someone who never even knew her in her lifetime felt like thunderstruck.

HOW DARE YOU !" Loki screamed "I FORBID you to say her name ! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU !"

He launched for Thor's throat, all claws out. But of course, Thor being Thor, Loki was subdued and controlled down on the wall in seconds. Loki was gnarling like a rabid, powerless dog. The one thing that prevented him from making a second attack was Thor's mixed expression of anger, resignation and despair.

Whatever tiny shred of hope Thor had for Loki's love, he knew that what he was going to say would destroy it and for good.

I AM going to talk about her and say her name ! She is EVERYWHERE, Loki ! If there is ever a definition of a modern haunted house, YOURS is ! We felt it the first evening we came in, my mom and I. The very first moment we set foot in this house, we had a whiff of a strange female perfume and later, we realized it was HERS ! That Italian stuff she used to spread on the curtains, on the sheets, in the bath, on the walls, and maybe on the goddamn floor ! It permeates the whole house ! Don't you smell it too ? Aren't you sick of it ?!

"Passione", his mom's fragrance. An instant memory smell of lilies, roses and sandalwood went up his nose. He was four years old again and he was leaning on his mom's chest, overwhelmed by this scent on her dress. Of course he smelled it, he lived with it, in it. That was HER perfume ! That was HER !

- First night my mom came into the bedroom, her dressing was full and intact. As if she had just stepped out of the room and would surprise her with your dad ! Creepy as hell. And it totally reeked ! You and your father are scared to death to even speak her name like a normal mourning family should. Both of you are so traumatized that sometimes it looks like you refuse the truth, as if you two believe that Francesca..." Loki growled and Thor held him tighter "... is going to come back any minute !

Loki had a last surge of useless rage. It was literally boiling him, hearing Thor's harsh and relentless words.

There is no photo of her, like you pretend she has not existed at all but it's even worse ! Your father avoids the subject and yet he tries his best to forget her and make my mom replace her. That's not my mom's doing, that's HIS sick will to make everything disappear ! And you, let's not talk about your obsession ! As huge and dark over us all as that damn piano !

Thor could not help the flow of words. The dam he was holding for months had finally broken spilling its mud everywhere. He could see the maelstrom of violent feelings spiraling on Loki's face so fast he couldn't recognize them all. Horror, guilt, anger, rage, disgust... Much too fast.

There was no way in hell his relationship with Loki would survive this. And yet he was carrying on. Until Loki simply ceased to feel.

His body went limp under Thor's arms. There was nothing else to say.

Or was it ?

Loki pushed back Thor's hands, rather violently. Thor stepped back, his hands in mid-air, as in a gesture of surrender. Loki was totally cold, expressionless. Thor found it worse than anything else, worse than death. To love that cold handsome face and to be scorned like this was simply unbearable.

He had tried everything with Loki and nothing could break the fortress he had build around himself. He knew he wasn't the most tactful person but he was a firm believer of truth being said, like it or not. He thought that was the last approach to make with Loki and he had acted against his own advice. Consequences would be disastrous...

- What about you, Thor ?

His eyes were ice cold, his voice was even worse. Thor felt frozen to the core. The tone of voice didn't bode well.

Tell me, Thor. I have so many secrets but how about YOURS ?

Thor felt like a stone had settled deep down in his stomach. In a frightening everlasting second, Thor knew Loki knew. Nothing would be the same after that. He had learned at a very young age that there was things you couldn't escape, things you would run from your whole life. Things, bloody, hurtful things that stood forever between you and the one you loved.

What do you know ?" Thor breathed.

Thor simply let himself glide against the wall and sat on the dirty floor. By a strange and comical symmetry, Loki did exactly the same on the opposite side of the alley. All the anger was curiously gone, none of the violent feelings they were enduring not one second before remained. They looked tired, worn out, almost closer.

Pretty much the essential." Loki answered. " But not the particulars. Why did you two keep that man's name ?

Thor shot a sad glance at Loki. He was almost relieved. At the end of everything, at least someone knew. He and his mom were not all alone imprisoned in their secret, locked in a past they tried so hard to escape but stood other them, ready to bite their asses any minute. He could finally say what was devouring him inside. He could cease to pretend.

Because it is MY name." Thor answered. " And it happens to be my mom's maiden name. So, we have every reason to keep it, even if it's also that bastard's name. I have a right to it.

Loki raised his eyebrows. Fran's MAIDEN name ?!

It was a family secret but my mom and Olaf were third degree cousins. They almost grow up together. At least they saw each other at every holiday. They were so used to each other that my mom thought he was the love of his life, soul mates and all that shit... Christ...

Loki shivered. Thor looked a lot more older know and his voice was darker as he went on his story.

Their parents encouraged it. They were deeply religious and believed that family came first and since they were not direct cousins, so they thought it was perfect. Apparently, my grandma ran to church to light all the candles the day Olaf proposed to my mum. He was already 26 and she was barely 18... Just a kid. She didn't have any chance.

Loki shivered. He noticed that Thor kept calling his sire "Olaf."

- First, it was cool. He was adorable, according to mom, and she thought herself the happiest of all women. And then he... changed. Not overnight but gradually. He was peculiar. Calling her at all times to be sure she was home. Preventing her from going to college, saying she didn't need it since he was taking care of everything. He checked her friends, the neighbors, even visiting relatives... He had several security cameras installed outside though they were not in a dangerous neighborhood. After he was arrested, we learned that he also installed quite a lot inside and recorded everything ! Even in the bathroom. He was sick from the beginning... But you wouldn't know if you had met him ! So prim and proper, so nice and kind... The ideal man.

Thor put his hands over his eyes. The tale seemed to exhaust him. His complexion was becoming gray.

It started after I was born. Mom wanted a baby badly because she was feeling lonely and confused. At 19, she was not experienced enough to really see what was going on. He was not against it. I think that he believed my mom would remain at home for good to raise me. But as I was growing up, I had to go to school. That was were I started to realize that there was a whole world out there and it was not centered on Olaf's needs, wants, fears and demands...

Thor looked at Loki directly. His eyes seemed old. Clearly Thor had seen too much, at too young an age.

You can't imagine how it was. My mom was so under his spell she had become his zombie. And I was born into it. How could I know it was unnatural ? Everything was about him and his temper. We were walking on hot lava, trying not to wake the dragon... Any mistake was paid dearly.

Thor barked a horrible laugh.

You know what he used to say after giving us both a whacking for having spilled the milk or not washed the right shirt or whatever ? That he loved us and that was each and every father and husband did ! And, man, did he know how to be a good father, a good husband ! He knew exactly where to hit and how much so there was no trace of it. He was so obsessed with appearances that he used other methods... And then he build his ... cell... in the basement...

Loki was afraid now. Thor's voice was becoming empty, neutral. His eyes were lost in space, in some strange place very far from the alley and Loki.

It was made so that the person inside could not see or hear anything. He used to lock us up, one after the other. Never together. You have no idea how scary it is when you are on your own, not knowing if there is anyone outside to save you... And of course, the other, the one outside had to deal with Olaf and be nice or the one locked up would never come out and die there... that kind of things... It was brilliant. He controlled us without raising even a hand. We were totally his and it went on for years.

Thor closed his eyes, let his head go backward, sighed and then opened his eyes to finally look at a mute Loki.

That day, he had been careless. I don't know, maybe he had become too confident. I managed to get out because the bullet-proof door wasn't locked properly. How stupid is that ?! So I hid in the bathroom. A miracle. I knew it was pointless but I was going insane. I don't know how but there were people looking for us outside, one of our neighbors and two of my teachers.

I know." Loki said. "I read the papers...

Thor threw Loki a disapproving look. "Tell me all about it..." it said but he went on.

Then you know everything. He went insane. He tried to rip off a policeman's ear with his bare teeth, yelling that they were all government agents acting as cops to kill him and that we were all setting him up to send him to the asylum. Which he went to, ultimately..." Thor made a pause. " I can still hear him sometimes, you know ?" Thor closed his eyes and put his hands to his ears as if to block some horribly loud and painful noise. " The last thing I remember from him was at the end of the trial, when he was dragged out by the cops. He was screaming that he did everything for our own good, that he loved us." He dropped his hands to the ground, defeated. "And you know what is the worst ? I know that was the truth. That in his sick, perverted way he DID love us."

Thor closed his eyes. He was empty, totally empty. Relieved, yes, but horribly empty of the fear and angst that was helping him hold himself together and now he was falling apart slowly, deprived of the mental fortress he had been living into and protecting himself with almost since birth.

His eyes still closed, he heard a shuffle on the ground and he felt Loki's lips on his own.