I was never so happy to get into bed and have medication. I was terrified and trying not to show it, and when we got back, Kai did another exam. The only thing that soothed me was that he thought the bleeding was slowing down.
Ranger also looked relieved, and he left my side to find my computer and send that email to the police officer. As soon as he left, Kai looked at me. "How do you feel?" he said.
"Better now that the medication is starting to take effect."
"Good. How do you feel emotionally?"
"Scared. Worried about Ranger and the kids. Eli and the little ones were terrified, and I was in too much pain to soothe them. I feel like a failure for that."
"Steph, when do you come first?"
"That's what Ranger says."
"He's got a good point."
"It's just that they are my kids."
"I'd noticed that."
I smiled. "Smartass."
He snorted. "Steph, they will cope. They will need a few more cuddles over the next few days, but you can do that. You are exceptional at providing the support that your children need. They will need to come in and check on you, but you'll be good with that as well. Just don't bury your upset feelings for the sake of your kids' comfort. You are a good person, and your feelings are valid."
"Okay."
"What do you need right now?"
"Ranger. I need him to hold me. He always makes me feel less scared. I mean, no offence, you're good but Ranger is my everything."
Kai smiled. "No offense taken." He turned and looked at Tracy, and I started. I hadn't even realized that she was there. "What do you want to do when Ranger comes in?" he said quietly as she slipped out of the room.
"I want to cuddle him and, when I am feeling safe, I want to go to sleep."
"Feeling safe?"
"Ranger has my back."
"I've got your back too."
"I know, but you have Julie's back primarily, and that's the way it's supposed to be. Ranger has my back primarily, and that's the way that is supposed to be as well."
Ranger came into the room and smiled worriedly.
"She's going to be okay", said Kai. "However, Steph said that she feels unsettled and she needs you to watch her back while she takes care of herself."
"Let me brush my teeth and go to the washroom, and I will be all yours for the rest of the night", said Ranger.
I smiled. "This has possibilities."
Ranger snorted as Kai said, in a panic, "not tonight."
I laughed.
"And I don't want to hear about you partner showering for the next month."
I laughed again as Ranger groaned. "I really don't feel comfortable with you knowing so much about our sex life", he said.
Kai grinned. "I'm a doctor, and it's natural."
Ranger sighed.
"Hey, I have a joke for you", I said. I looked at Ranger and saw him relaxing. Kai looked at Ranger as well and I could tell that he noticed the difference. "A few months after his parents divorced, little Johnny passed by his mother's room and heard her moaning. He looked in, and she was rubbing herself and saying, 'I need a man! I need a man!' This happened for several months until one day, she was moaning again, but when he peeked in, his mother was lying in the bed with a man on top. Excitedly, little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down and lay on his bed, started to rub himself and moaned, 'I need a bike! I need a bike!'"
Ranger and Kai laughed, and Ranger nipped into the bathroom. "You do that a lot, don't you?" said Kai quietly.
"Do what?"
"Tell jokes to get Ranger to relax."
"I don't know how else to do it. It just seems that, if I am joking around, Ranger knows that I am going to be alright. If I'm not making jokes, he gets scared."
"When do you count? When do you get to say that you're scared?"
"When it's just Ranger and me. Ranger knows that me telling jokes is to help make him feel better, but it is also to help make me feel better. It gives me a feeling of control and like I'm not helpless, like I can still help Ranger even if I am down and out."
"I get it."
"When it's just Ranger and me, I'll break down and cry and I'll tell him that I am scared. But by telling him the joke, it gives him confidence that I'll recover."
Kai smiled slightly. "You are an incredible woman, Steph. Where you find your strength, I don't know."
"That's easy", I said. "I get my strength from Ranger."
He smiled again. "How are you feeling?" he said.
"Dizzy."
Kai smiled. "Then it sounds like the medication is working. Go to sleep, and hopefully you'll feel better in the morning."
He left the room as Ranger climbed into bed. He rolled over onto his side to face me, and I snugged my face into his chest. Ranger brought his hand up and massaged the base of my neck. "How are you doing, babe?"
"I'm scared, and I keep reminding myself that Kai said there was less blood tonight than there was at Lindsay's." Ranger kissed me on the top of my head. "You scared?" I said.
"Very much", said Ranger. "I might actually call Gabriel and see if I can have a phone session. I limped through your hospitalization two months ago, and this scare is bringing it all up again."
"I think a phone session with Gabriel is a great idea. Kai is good to talk to as well, Julie is a great listener, Tracy is trained and fantastic, and Joe is pretty good as well. And that's not including Tank and Hal and Miguel and Dirk and Nick if we want to call back to the States. We have support. And besides, there is always my sister."
"I don't want to show that I'm weak to those people, even if most of them are good friends."
"Does being scared about your wife's condition after she is attacked show that you are weak?" I said thoughtfully. "Personally, I think that is normal and that you should give yourself a break. Ranger, when do you get to stop being the Commander and get to become Ranger the person?"
"I do with you. I do with our friends, and I do with my family."
"Not often enough."
"It's hard. I hide all my fears behind the Commander role. I get scared, and I handle it by command and control. I push all my fears down and take over, and it makes me feel less helpless."
"I understand."
"Babe, you're my life."
"And you are mine." I sighed. "Ranger, do you want to cry with me? I somehow think that it would be good for both of us."
He sighed and pulled me closer, but when I started to cry, I could feel his tears wet the top of my head, and I suspected the cry was as good for him as it was for me.
I cried myself to sleep, and I suspect that Ranger did as well. A few hours later, the little ones started coming into our bed. Ranger moved me to the bathroom-side of the bed from the middle where we'd both been sleeping, and he let the little ones sleep on the door-side of the bed. He lay between the little ones and me to protect my abdomen from further trauma. When the little ones woke up, I was still asleep. I could hear them rustling around fearfully, and I smiled as I woke up. "Who are the bed monsters that dare to wake me?" I said.
There was a pause, and then the children started to giggle. I opened my eyes and growled at them. "This is unfair. I can't chase you. Kai told me that I have to stay in bed for a few days. However, you need to be aware that I am going to get you back, and I am going to chase you all around this castle."
Grace and Alix grinned. Tia continued to look concerned. "Mommy", she said, "are you going to die?"
I snorted. "Absolutely not or, at least, hopefully not for another fifty years. Guys, you know that I had that operation a few weeks ago." The girls nodded solemnly. "Yesterday, when Heather kicked me, she happened to kick me in the place that I had the operation, and since it hadn't quite healed yet she reinjured it. It's not as bad as it was the first time, but I was still in a lot of pain. I am feeling much better now, but Kai wants me to stay in bed for a couple of days to make sure that I don't hurt myself again. He also told me that he wants me to sleep more, so that it heals faster and we don't have to worry about this happening again. But what that means is that I will be spending a lot more time in bed. Do you think you can help me by visiting me and talking with me so that I don't become bored? Maybe you could tell me stories and sing songs and play games with me. What do you think?"
The three little ones smiled. "We'll be the bestest visitors in the world", said Grace.
I grinned. "Thank you. I knew that I could count on you."
"How about you hit the washroom", said Ranger, "then all go into your rooms and brush your teeth, and while Mommy sleeps a bit more we can make something special for Mommy for breakfast."
The three girls grinned. "Yeah!" they said. They dispersed to get ready for the day, and Ranger looked at me. "I think I heard Kai up. I'll send him in." He paused. "Are you really feeling better?"
"Probably a two extra-strength acetaminophen pain rather than needing to take the option with codeine. So yes, I am feeling better. Just not great. However, I can fake it for the kids, and I couldn't do that last night."
Ranger kissed me lightly. "Then get some sleep so that it's easier to fake it, and I'll scare up Kai."
