"Jake!"
Renesmee's voice fills me with comfort, excitement, contentment… and a few other emotions that I'm less inclined to label. She calls me from the shoreline, surf dancing across her feet in the moonlight, and the pull to her can be felt in both my soul and my body. The magic in my blood placed my imprint upon her just ten minutes after her birth, but for a long time now I've been able to feel something slowly changing. It's harder than ever to define, this thing that lies between us, and it's like some sort of burning anticipation has been building up for weeks now, growing in intensity no matter how I try to shake it.
Earlier today, we celebrated her fifteenth birthday, but my Ness has had the body and the mind of an adult since around the time she turned seven, and the difference has never phased me. That is, until recently. I've been present almost every day for the entirety of her life, and through the alchemy of the imprint, I'm always whatever she needs me to be. As a child, I was like her brother, helping the family to care for her, protect her, and provide for her. As she got older, I turned into a best friend, always there to listen without judgement, sooth her loneliness when being different felt like too much, and be her partner in crime at the appropriate moments. But now… I can't help wishing that there could be more. And if I want that, does that mean she wants it too?
I pull myself out of my musings and run towards her down the beach, unable to stop myself from gazing a little too thoroughly at her glowing form perched by the water's edge. Her long, slender legs, her womanly shape, that pale, perfect skin and mass of swirling copper hair. She's a vision, almost too beautiful to be believed, and like a siren, she leads me inextricably towards the sea.
"Hey," she smiles as I reach her and slow to a leisurely pace. "Come for a swim with me. The water feels amazing."
Before I can even answer, she's unbuttoning her cut-off shorts and dropping them to the sand to reveal her bikini bottoms beneath. A little aqua number, not too revealing and with a sporty cut, this two-piece bathing suit is definitely one of my favorites. It hugs her just right while still covering everything appropriately, and the hue is a thing of beauty set against her porcelain skin.
"Come on," she beckons, taking me by the wrist and leading me towards the water.
Then her hands slide up under the hem of my tshirt and I'm just about ready to lose my mind. God, her fingers on my chest feel so fabulously sinful as she yanks the garment up and off over my head, tossing it onto a dry patch of beach. I know that she only did it for practical reasons, to keep my shirt dry, and because she was getting impatient waiting for me, but the thoughts that passed through my head in those few stolen seconds would've gotten me killed if her family were here.
I'm already wearing board shorts, so I follow her into the waves, coming back to myself enough to keep up with her when she dives. I watch her move beneath the water, in the calm of the crystal depths, my shapeshifter eyes able to take in the view like no normal human's ever could. The tiny pools of moonlight that permeate the surf are sparkling off her body as she gracefully glides just a hair above the bottom, weaving her delicate fingers through the grasses that grow there. Then she floats up like an angel and pierces the surface, where I'm already waiting, speechless in my awe of her magnificence.
It takes me a moment to realize that she's gazing at me almost as intently as I am at her. Her body drifts closer, and I can hear that my own heart isn't the only one beating faster. Does she know how much I want her? Is it possible she wants me too?
Her hand rises out of the water to caress my neck, and I can't hold it back any longer; the desire is too much. My lips brush over hers gently, giving her the chance to get away, but instead, she pulls me closer and wraps her arms around me in the dark.
Our lips part, and I kiss her deep, our first real kiss. And I can feel the heat inside me growing as we bob across the surface. My fingers tangle in her hair as I taste her, alive with the sensation that every nerve has been set ablaze, and when my mouth moves to her neck I hear her sigh out my name.
Holy shit.
The sound of her voice, high on my attention, brings me crashing back to earth and I pull myself away from her. She looks hurt and confused, but the things that I was thinking when I had my hands on her, I don't know what would've happened.
"We can't do this," I say gently, expecting her to agree with me.
But she's looking at me as though I've somehow grown a second head.
"Why not?" she bites her lip in an attempt to hide her apprehension.
Does she not want to know the answer? Or does she already know what it will be?
"Because," I practically spit the word. "Because….. um….."
I search my mind and my heart, but I can't think of a reason, so why did I stop? Why didn't I kiss her until my lungs gave out? Why didn't I tell her that I've wanted this for longer than I can remember, and that she tasted like heaven, and felt like a dream? Apparently, my silence has become its own answer.
"That's what I thought," she whispers harshly, disappearing beneath the tide and swimming hard for shore.
I want to call after her, tell her to wait, but the others might hear it, and if they find out what just happened, this birthday bonfire on the beach is about to become a nightmare.
By the time I make it back to land, she's already thrown on her shorts and her surf tank and is standing by the buffet tables chatting with Claire. They giggle and gossip as though nothing were amiss, and for a minute I begin to wonder if our encounter even actually happened. Was it all in my head? Is that even possible? Did I want her so much that I imagined that earth shattering kiss?
Then my eyes land on her fingers, twisting back and forth as they play absentmindedly with a clear plastic fork held in their grasp, and I remember how they felt sliding down my neck before she pulled me in. It definitely happened.
For the next three hours, Renesmee ghosts me like a champion. She walks right past me when I try to catch her attention, pauses when I say her name and then goes right back to her conversations, and gets back up and moves when I attempt to sit down next to her, twice. The rest of the pack (and especially their wives) are all starting to shoot me looks of either disapproval, or pity. At one point, Emily even catches my eye with an 'I'm sorry' glance and mouths the word 'ouch.'
Having this moonlight picnic and bonfire with the wolves was Ness's idea, and since we're only in LaPush a few times a year now, I jumped at the chance and rushed to put everything together. But now that we're here and I had to go fuck things up, it feels like the only way she'll get the birthday she deserves is if I leave and give her space. She obviously doesn't want to see me right now.
"Happy birthday, Ness," I brush off my shorts as I stand and wave goodbye.
"Mostly," she bites back in annoyance, not returning the gesture.
I hear a couple of the younger wolves making noises and miming arrow shots as I turn to walk away and I'm pretty sure one of them says something like, 'put some lotion on that burn.'
The run to the cabin that I keep here isn't far and only takes a couple minutes, but the whole time I find myself humming her favorite song in my head.
Renesmee
"So what's your problem, Ness?" Seth finally asks me in his direct but gentle way. "Why are you so angry at Jake all of a sudden?"
"You wouldn't understand," I reply, hoping that he'll leave it alone, but realizing that's just a pipe dream.
"What I understand is that the guy worked his ass off yesterday, calling everybody with invites, arranging to have a cake made, buying all this food, and chopping tons of wood so that you could have the birthday party you wanted. And then we get here and you spend the whole time acting like you hate his guts. So come on," he slides in closer to me with that brotherly expression, "out with it. What the hell did he do to tick you off so bad?"
"It's actually more about what he didn't do," I sigh as I feel the heat rise in my cheeks. "Sometimes I just wish that the imprint worked for us the way it does for all of you, that's all."
"What are you talking about?" he seems genuinely confused. "It sounds the same to me. What exactly do you think is different?"
"Well, you know," I avoid eye contact in an attempt to quell some of my embarrassment. "It just seems like all of the other wolves are pretty in sync. You know what your imprint wants, and then you give it to them. But Jake…"
"Ohhh," understanding dawns across his jovial features. "Is this about Jake wanting to be more than friends?"
"Seth!" Leah scolds him immediately, swatting at his arm and shooting him a look that could kill.
"What?" he giggles, feigning innocence. "It's not like everybody here doesn't already know. We hear it in his head no matter how well he thinks he's hiding it. 'Renesmee is a fucking goddess,'" he throws his hands up in mocking and tries to mimic Jacob's voice. "'Oh my god she's so breathtaking. Even just a kiss might be enough to kill me.'"
"He really thinks that stuff about me?" I question is disbelief.
When he pulled away from me in the water and told me that 'we can't do this,' I thought it was because he doesn't want me that way, because just like the rest of my family, he still thinks of me as a child. But if he really fantasizes about kissing me and finds me beautiful like Seth said, there has to be a different explanation. That means I've ruined this day for no reason!
"Constantly," Quil's little cousin Brody chimes in, earning him a flick in the ear from Claire. "Ow! Hey!"
I see her mouth the words 'shut up' as I scramble to my feet and brush the sand from the back of my shorts.
"Thanks, guys," I wave my goodbyes as I gather up my things and shove them in my drawstring backpack. "The party has been great, but I have to go."
Without waiting for all of their responses, I turn and jog towards the treeline. I have to figure out why Jake broke up that kiss, and I don't want to wait until tomorrow.
Jacob
I've been going over it in my head for a solid forty-five minutes now, wondering what I should've said or could've done to fix things with Renesmee, instead of walking away in defeat like I have. I finally work up the nerve to kiss the girl that I've been in love with for what feels like forever, and when she tries to kiss me back, I wuss out. I feel more like a wimp than a wolf right now.
I turn on the television, crack open a Molson and take a sip, and just when I'm close to getting her face out of my head, she comes running through my door like a bat out of hell.
"Ness?" I put my beer down and drag myself up off the couch. "What are you doing here?"
"I need to ask you a question," she bites her lower lip nervously and something stirs in the pit of my stomach, "and this time, I'm not leaving until you answer me."
"Ness…" I swallow hard because I know what's coming.
"Why didn't you want to kiss me?"
After a long, loaded pause, I do the only thing that I can think of.
"I don't know."
"Bullshit," she answers immediately, taking a few steps towards me. "That's not how it works, Jake."
"What do you mean?"
After all this time hiding our feelings and dancing around them, burying them so deep that not even Edward could see, her directness at the moment is honestly a little bit intimidating, and I find myself stamping down the urge to back away from her.
"The wolf knows what the imprint wants and feels compelled to give it to them," she concludes, closing more of the distance between us, "and I want you, so…"
The expression on her face speaks of innocence and vulnerability, sweet but with a looming sadness, brave yet so unsure.
"Why don't you want me?" her last words are a whisper, and her eyes glaze over with unshed tears.
"I do," I bridge the remaining space, raising a hand to her cheek and stroking gently. "I want you more than I've ever wanted anything," I finally dig the truth out and set it free. "I'm just terrified that I'm going to fuck this up, and I can't risk losing you, Renesmee. I love you too goddamn much."
Her tears overflow across a glowing smile of joy as she tells me that she loves me too and throws her arms around my neck to pull me down and kiss me senseless. Then her hands are underneath my shirt and mine are sliding down her shorts, and before I have a chance to breathe we're lying together, naked as the day we were born. In a bundle of hot mouths, searching fingers, entwined limbs, and fevered sighs, I map my love over her skin with a series of licks, pecks, and caresses until desire starts to drive me towards the point of no return.
"We can stop," I bring my face back to hers, gently nuzzling her nose. "We can stop right now, and this'll be enough for me."
"But it won't be enough for me," her whisper in my right ear is so stunningly seductive that it sends a frozen shiver running down my spine. "I want all of you, Jake," she pulls back to gaze into my dark eyes as she says it, "please."
Holy fuck, she just said 'please.'
I can't deny her what we've obviously both been wanting but been hopelessly afraid to ask for until now. I'm just not sure that I can handle the idea of causing her pain, and being with me for the first time is definitely going to hurt. This is not bravado talking, I'm almost seven and a half feet tall, and every part of my anatomy is of a much larger than average size.
"I'll be as careful as I can," I say sweetly, cradling her face into a slow, tender kiss.
Then my hand slides down her hip and I start to rub against all of the places that I know will make her body respond, working her up until she tumbles over the edge with a series of whimpers, clutching the sheets as though they might save her life.
"Hold onto me," I whisper, reclaiming her lips and plunging one finger inside her to break the barrier of her innocence.
I hear a sharp intake of breath, and remorse is instantly flooding my senses. I want to cry with panic for the pain I've incited, regret for the end of her brief and fading childhood, and joy for the future that we're cementing on this night. The confusing part is over; we've chosen each other. From here forever's waiting, and we'll face it together.
As she heals, I use a second finger to gently acclimate her to the feeling of being stretched, lapping softly with my tongue as she begins to squirm and sigh until she falls apart a second time like putty in my arms.
Her gaze is loving and serene when she meets my eyes again and pulls me down to her mouth. Then she wraps herself around me and lifts her lips up to my ear.
"I need you inside me."
I'm practically trembling with her words. In a haze of desire I find her hand and intertwine our fingers, giving one last tender squeeze before I carefully join our flesh. I take my time, watching her face for signs of discomfort as I progress, and though the sensation is new and foreign, it doesn't seem that she's in much pain.
Once I'm seated firmly within her, there's a breathless pause, and I gradually begin to rock my hips. Then when I hear the sounds of satisfaction pouring from her, I finally sway my pelvis back and push into a shallow thrust, and it's like the world just twisted off its axis upside down. The sultry moan when she bites her lip, the feeling of her fingers digging into me in desperation, the tingling, aching pleasure that comes jolting through my core to set my nerve endings on fire.
I pull away and plunge into her again and again, and it feels like knitting souls inside a fever dream. The tears are streaking both our cheeks as a rising crescendo of magic, feral bliss engulfs us, and I realize that this is where that feeling of anticipation I've been having all these weeks was leading to. It was spiraling towards a moment of connection and release, when a single act would tie me to Renesmee for all of time.
The pressure builds, and we begin to quake and heave against each other, gasping and whimpering and clinging to one another while our lips brush through the fog of lust and worship that surrounds us. Then she cries out my name like a desperate prayer as she hits the peak, biting down on my shoulder and lapping a sip of blood from my dampened skin. And the sensation of it finally drives me over the brink with a guttural, animalistic groan into a blindingly intense and euphoric release.
In the wake of it, I kiss her deep, enfolding her in my arms to cradle her sated form like the delicate, precious thing that she is. In the morning I'll have a lot of explaining to do, but right now, for the first time in a very long time, everything feels like it's exactly as it should be.
