Skit: Superhuman Interview [Vol. 1 Finale]

(Spoilers for Al's powerset)


In order to gain more allies for Emilia during the Royal Selection, Subaru suggested that the two of them do interviews in order to potentially make a combat force in case of times of need. Who knows when the Witch Cult would decide to strike again.

The lord of the Mathers territory had sent out summons to any noteworthy people in the area. Personally, he didn't expect many to involve themselves in the matter if they knew it was a half-elf they were supporting, but the plan still wasn't half bad.

Sitting behind a desk in Roswaal's office, were the ones behind the plan themselves: Roswaal and Subaru.

After some careful evaluation by Rem and Ram to make sure they weren't dangerous or harboring ill-will, the remaining applicants were gradually allowed to enter and give their statements.

Soon, their first applicant entered.

[Roswaal]: "Saaalllutations."

[Subaru]: "Heya. How're you doing?"

Subaru gave a little wave. He wanted to be as welcoming as possible. Even though he never technically had a job in his old world, the idea of an interview still made him stress internally. He couldn't completely see the applicant's face though.

Roswaal rustled through some papers, searching for the applicant in particular. Why did he look familiar though?

[Roswaal]: "So.. um. You applied for a bodyguard position, riiiiight? Why Otto-kun?"

The applicant was none other than Otto Suwen, the Internal Affairs Minister for the Emilia camp.

Subaru was confused. Why would he of all people want to be a bodyguard, or even a fighter? Aren't they supposed to have talent?

[Subaru]: "Otto! I barely recognized ya. You really are unremarkable, y'know. Why'd you choose this job, of all jobs?"

[Otto]: "Quiet, Natsuki-san. This is supposed to be an impartial interview."

[Roswaal]: "Well, Otto-kuuuuuun. What can you do? Describe your ability."

Once the question left Roswaal's lips, it felt like the room dropped a few degrees. Otto leaned forward in his chair.

[Otto]: "I can make cats fight each other, with my divine protection."

[Subaru]: "I-I don't really think that that's gonna help, like, with what we do specifically–"

[Otto]: "To death even. If I willed it."

Was Otto okay? Maybe he was spending too much time cooped up in his room. A wave of guilt made Subaru's stomach knot a little.

[Subaru]: "But still, still even with that extra piece of knowledge–"

[Otto]: "It could be the perfect distraction. Think about it, Natsuki-san. Someone is in battle. I distract them. They're off their game."

[Roswaal]: "Well–"

[Otto]: "Let me show you how effective it is."

[Subaru]: "No dude, please don't–"

Before he could finish, Otto snapped his fingers.

Suddenly, a bunch of cats burst into the room. A tabby cat, a persian cat, and other breeds Subaru couldn't recognize chose this place to be their brawling grounds. Loud hissing and meows started to fill the room.

[Subaru]: "Whoa! How did they get in here so fast?"

[Roswaal]: "And so many."

[Otto]: "I know. Fast, right?" The merchant had a devilish grin on his face.

[Subaru]: "Yo, whose cats are those. I'm worried!"

Immediately after he said that. Two figures fell through the ceiling.

One hissed at the other, not caring about their surroundings or where they ended up.

[Felix]: "Damn you! Why did you have to ruin my day with Crusch like that nya~"

The "nya~" in that sentence sounded more angry than cute.

[Garfiel]: "T's your own damn fault f'r gettin' in my way."

[Felix]: "You selfish prick!"

And with that, the Shield of the Sanctuary and the healer/knight began their fight within the Mathers estate. Claws were swinging, tails were swiping, and fur was getting everywhere.

[Subaru]: "Garfiel! And Ferris! Why are they here? How'd they get here? Did you do this Otto?"

The merchant, whose voice barely carried over all the other clamor in the room, spoke out.

[Otto]: "The question is, 'who's gonna win?' Who will win the fight!?"

[Subaru]: "Hey! Make them stop! They're gonna get blood on the–"


Subaru was covered in cat scratches. His butler uniform was looking worse for wear. Felix might've bitten him. He'd definitely make sure to talk to Otto after this was done.

The next applicant had arrived.

[Roswaal]: "Why hello there, dear Meili. What brings yoo~ou here?"

[Meili]: "I'm applying, creepy-clown-san. Since I'm not an assassin anymore, I need a new line of work."

[Roswaal]: "I seeeee~"

[Subaru]: "Not sure how I feel about child labor, but I'll humor it. You can just go ahead and describe your power for us."

[Meili]: "I can summon spiders, that–"

[Subaru]: "Get the hell out! GET OUUT! GET OUUU~UT!"

Nope. Not again. No more summoning. Not after Otto.

[Meili]: "Alright, alright. Sheesh, onii-san is a huge jerk."

[Subaru]: "GEET OUUUUUU~UTTT"


Quickly putting the past behind them, the duo moved on to the next candidate.

[Subaru]: "It says here that your power is invisibility?"

[Liliana]: "Yup, that's me."

Subaru glanced at Roswaal with glee. Had they finally found someone worth their time. With an invisible operative on the team, who knows what they could achieve.

[Subaru]: "That's-That's actually incredible. We could definitely use that for something!"

[Roswaal]: "Yee~s. Intel gathering would be quite easy."

[Liliana]: "Well, um. The thing is… I have to do a backflip to activate it."

Alrighty. That was weird but there shouldn't be a problem.

[Subaru] "...then, just do a backflip–"

[Liliana]: "I can't do a backflip."

Goddammit.

[Subaru]: "Then you can't go invisible. I don't understand-"

[Liliana]: "No. I can still go invisible, I can still do it, like activate it, but I-I can't like… let me just show you."

Liliana gets up from her chair. She loosens up her limbs in preparation.

[Liliana]: "Hah!"

And flips!

Before their very eyes, the girl that was just in front of them is now naked to the human eye (and other races of course). Who else but Liliana the Great could perform such an amazing act! How incredible.

A crash is heard.

[Liliana]: "Ack!"

[Subaru]: "Dayum! Where you at? Are you alright?"

Moans of pain can be heard from… well, somewhere close. 'Hopefully it's not too bad,' Subaru thinks.

As he examines the ground, he sees blood. And a lot of it.

[Subaru]: "Oh no, she's bleedin'. Somebody call 119! Hey, where are you bleeding from? Oh crap, she's not responding. She got a concussion. Roswaal!"


A figure wearing a white-ish cloak with purple accents enters the interview room. They were pretty short, but hey, don't judge a book by its cover.

The raven-haired boy is tired but still willing to give this a-go. He's persevered through worse after all.

[Subaru]: "Okay, can you describe your ability?"

[?]: "I summon centipedes–"

Subaru and Roswaal, in perfect unison, point back towards the door where they came from. Never have they been on the same wavelength like this.

The interviewee looks back, befuddled.

[?]: "What?" Another glance back. "What?"

[Subaru]: "The door. Go on."

[Roswaal]: "Back from where you came."

[?]: "But w-why–"

[Subaru]: "Go on."

[Roswaal]: "Out."

And so they left, defeated and discouraged.

When the applicant left the room, she took off her hood.

[Meili]: "Darn it! Did they figure me out?"

The two had, in fact, not figured her out. Since she was wearing Emilia's identity hampering cloak, they didn't see through her trick. Normally, Roswaal would've seen through his own enchantment, but it's been a long day.

Her reasoning for them kicking her out was incorrect. She thought that they just didn't like spiders, so she decided to try something different.

What she did not know, however, is that they didn't want animals of any kind.

Not again.


A tall man wearing a strange outfit is the next to enter.

[Aldebaran]: "Hey, I'm here for the interview."

Despite wearing a helmet, he projects his voice fairly well.

[Subaru]: "Al? What are you doing here? Are you even allowed to work for us?"

[Al]: "It's more of an alliance than a boss-servant relationship, pal."

[Subaru]: I guess that makes sense. Wait, what's your power, exactly? You have one?"

[Al]: "I can put people in a time loop."

[Subaru]: "Really?!"

'So you got one too, huh?' he muses.

[Roswaal]: "Now isn't that something."

Roswaal was out of it before, but after hearing of someone else with an ability so similar to Subaru, it was intriguing to say the least. He closed one eye, leaving the yellow one open to analyze the man in front of him.

While Subaru was lost in his thoughts, Roswaal took the lead.

[Roswaal]: "An invaluaaaaable asset like that could be used in a pursuit and capture scenaaaaaario, wouldn't you agree, Subaru-kuuuu–"

[Al]: "It does it kinda randomly, honestly. A real pain in the ass, really."

[Subaru]: "There it is."

Al continues to mutter incoherently.

[Al]: "Yeah, I've done it accurately a couple of times, but most of the time it just be doing it."

[Roswaal]: "And what woooould that mean?"

Maybe he wasn't a lost cause. If he could just find the root of the issue this could work out.

[Al]: "Like, well, let me just show you."

[Subaru]: "What? NO!? Don't–"

[Al]: "TIME LOOP"

Time is reset. Back to the beginning of the interview as Al's territory shifts the world. Al disappears.

[Subaru]: "Oh.. oh my gosh." Every word radiates disappointment in his fellow Japanese brethren.

A tall man wearing a strange outfit is the next to enter.

[Aldebaran]: "Hey, I'm here for the interview."

Despite wearing a helmet, he projects his voice fairly well. He takes a seat.

[Al]: "Aren't you gonna ask what my power is or.."

[Roswaal]: "What's your power?"

[Al]: "I can put people in a–"

[Subaru]: "-time loop. Look, Al. You did this, and you put yourself in a time loop."

Al facepalms, or at least the best he could do with a helmet on.

[Al]: "Dammit. This always happens."

[Subaru]: "Well, turn it off."

[Al]: "I can't turn it off~"

And like sand to the winds of the Auguria dunes, he's gone.

[Subaru]: "Where did- oh my gosh." He facepalms. That's all he can really do at this point.

A tall man wearing a strange outfit is the next to enter.

[Aldebaran]: "Hey, I'm here for the interview."

Despite wearing a helmet, he projects his voice fairly well.

[Subaru]: "You use 'time loop.' Turn it off."

[Al]: "What~"

He's whisked away again…

Roswaal couldn't take this anymore.

A tall man wearing a strange outfit is the next to enter.

[Aldebaran]: "Hey, I'm here for the interview–"

[Subaru]: "Stop! You use 'time loop.' Does your time loop erase your memory?"

[Al]: "No."

[Subaru]: "Then why don't you remember walking in here?!"

He slams his fist on the table. This was starting to look like a worse version of Return by Death. There weren't many times he felt truly lucky to have his ability, but this was one of them.

[Al]: "Y'know what, I do have trash short-term memory."

A tall man wearing a strange outfit is the next to enter.

[Subaru]: "Ugh. Bro! Oh."

It was not Aldebaran, thank goodness.

[Subaru]: "Uhh, so what's your power?"

{[Reinhardt]}: "Well, it's kind of complicated, but basically I can manipulate light waves however I want–"

A tall man wearing a strange outfit is the next to enter.

[Aldebaran]: "Hey, I'm here for the interview."

Despite wearing a helmet, he projects his voice fairly well.

[Subaru]: Bruh, how is he still in a time loop? Oh my, ugh. GET OUUUTT. GET OOOU~UUTT!"

Fin


A/N: Japanese 911/999 is 119. The more you know, huh.

I know you've all been awaiting this S-tier skit, so here ya go. This turned out much better than I was expecting.