The collection of pregnancy tests was mounting, Kim kept them in a shoebox all of them negative. She had just hit double digits.
Ten.
Ten times she had her heart broken.
She was growing increasingly agitated and depressed, she was getting snippy with Adam and Makayla was testing her patience daily.
They had been told that there were was no reason why they shouldn't conceive and that they just needed to keep at it. She had asked about seeing a fertility specialist but her obgyn had said it would be a bit premature to go that route. They needed to give it another six months or so before she'd refer them to a specialist.
She was obsessed and the cracks were starting to develop, it was just a matter of time before she lost it.
It didn't help that work was dead, they hadn't had a case in a week and had spent the first few days catching up on paperwork and the little things that were often swept to the side while working a case. It was rare that they went more than a day or two without being called upon, it was unheard of it for them to go a full week without a case.
Boredom was hitting them hard.
Kevin and Adam had taken to playing trash can basketball it grated on her nerves but she kept her mouth shut.
They'd already completed a round of recertifications and sat in on a sensitivity training at the ivory tower.
Makayla had ramped up her efforts on requesting a baby sister, she was smitten with Jayda's little sister and would tell them all the new things the baby was doing. Under normal circumstances they would have found it cute but it was only adding salt to the wound.
The poor kid had no idea she was walking through a minefield each time she brought the subject up, Adam had tried to shift gears one night only for Kim to lay into him later that night.
"Do you think I'm weak Adam?" She asked him, her face was red hot with anger, "So weak that I can't handle talking about a baby with our daughter?"
"No!" Adam snapped back, he could see the anger rolling off Kim in waves, "…she kept going on and on about it. I didn't want to hear it. I can see how much it hurts you to hear about it, Mack was unrelenting, I didn't want you.."
"You didn't want me to what?" She hissed at him, "didn't want me to what? Say it. Go on!"
Adam rolled his eyes, "To get mad at her, okay? Are you happy now? I said it. You get pissed when she rattles on and on about it and I didn't want her to know you were mad. I didn't want you to yell at her!" The second he said it he regretted it, he knew he had gone to far.
"Whatever." Kim scoffed, she got into bed and buried her nose in her journal, "are you coming to bed?" She asked him, "We need to have sex."
He threw his hands up in the air, his own frustrations mounting, he gave in and pushed back, "Nah, not tonight. I'm so done." He knew he should shut up but he couldn't stop himself, he needed to get it out, "you know what? Having sex? It's become a fucking chore, you just want a quick fuck. Shit, I bet you'd take any dick as long as it was hard." The flash of rage in her eyes let him know he had gone too far, way to far. There was a small part of him, a ridiculously small sliver of a part of him that didn't care.
"Get out!"
Adam stormed out of the bedroom and out of the house he was absolutely livid and needed air.
He eventually made his way to the back deck, he was furious with himself. He never should've spoken to Kim the way he did, he was out of line. He definitely shouldn't have stormed out either, he had gone for a walk around the neighborhood before returning and it had helped with his anger.
Now he was left feeling sick to his stomach and guilty, he was an ass and he needed to apologize but was struggling to do so.
When did it all become so complicated?
By the time he made it upstairs Kim was sleeping and he didn't dare wake her, he stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed, he kissed her forehead before laying down. As soon as his head hit the pillow, Kim instinctively curled into his side.
It was comforting to feel her body against his, he too drifted off to sleep.
Kim watched him as he slept, she had no idea what time he had come to bed but she was grateful that he had. Life was really hard right now and it was taking a toll on them both, she couldn't help but think that this was her punishment.
Was it irrational? Probably. It didn't change a damn thing. Part of her feared that they were struggling to get pregnant because of how she handled the first time she was pregnant. She had knowingly put herself in danger and because of it she miscarried, it was a baby that they didn't plan, hell they weren't even together. She had for the briefest of moments considered an abortion and then when she decided to keep the baby, she didn't allow Adam in right away.
Was she paying for it now?
Kim propped herself up on her elbow, her gaze fixed on her sleeping husband, he was a beautiful man with a beautiful heart. She loved the dad he was to their daughter, he doted on her and did all he could to keep make sure she felt loved and was safe. Mack adored him, her whole face would light up whenever she spoke of her daddy or when he came home from work. He was the perfect girl dad.
Makayla was their daughter, full stop. They loved her as if she was their own flesh and blood, it didn't matter that they didn't know her until she was six. She was their little girl in every way that mattered.
They didn't get to watch her grow from a baby, they didn't see her first steps or hear her first word. Hell they barely had any baby photos of her, they had a few snapshots of her as an infant and then two photos that had been taken at school and that was it.
Kim wanted to grow a baby, Adam's baby in her womb. She wanted to see Adam's face as he listened to their baby's heartbeat for the first time. The first time around, she was still icing Adam out and he didn't get to hear their baby's heartbeat and she would regret it for the rest of her life.
She leaned over and kissed him, she ran the back of her hand over his stubbled cheek, she found the sprinkling of gray in his beard incredibly attractive, Adam hated it but she loved it.
"I love you so much. I'm so sorry." She whispered, "I hate fighting with you."
"Me too." Adam muttered, he surprised her. She thought he was still sleeping. "I'm sorry. I was wrong for saying what I said and for leaving. I'm so sorry." He opened his arms for her and she fell into them, she started to cry.
"I don't understand why I can't get pregnant, Adam. What am I doing wrong?" She was inconsolable and it broke his heart.
"Hey…" he rubbed her back, "you're not doing anything wrong, it just hasn't happened. Yet. It hasn't happened yet." He whispered into her hair, "We won't stop until you're carrying our baby. I promise you that. We will have our baby."
"I love you so much, Adam. I want this for you, for us. When I lost our baby, my heart broke for you. You didn't even get to hear it's heartbeat, I kept you from that and I than I lost our baby. I'm sorry, this is my fault. If I hadn't lost…"
"Stop it!" Adam was stern, "Stop saying that. This isn't your fault. It's no one's fault." He held her tightly, "baby, I love you so much. You have got to know that, you're the best person I know. None of this is your fault, I hate that you think it is."
"We had sex one time Adam, and I was pregnant. We've been trying to get pregnant for almost a year and it's not happened. I don't understand why it's suddenly so hard for us."
"I don't know." Adam replied, "but I do know that we will never stop trying."
"You didn't want to the other night." Kim reminded him, "you never turn sex down. It hurt that you didn't want to. The things you said…"
Adam dropped his head against his pillow and groaned, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I was tired and over the day." He knew he needed to be honest with her, "I.." he found it hard to explain the way he was feeling, "…the way we do it now, how we need to make sure your body temp is just right and that we need to make sure the stars are aligned..it's not always fun."
Kim rested her head on his chest, "I know. It's all very matter of fact isn't it?"
"Maybe we could be a little less planned with it?" Adam asked, "maybe a bit more spontaneous? I know it's hard with Mack, but I miss just doing it cause I'm horny as fuck and not because your body temperature is ideal or your ovulating. I wanna just do it cause you're hot as hell."
"Yeah?" Kim whispered.
"Yeah."
Kim sat up a bit, "what about right now? Are you horny as fuck right now?" She kissed his neck, "because I am."
