Tali awoke with a start, drawing in a few heavy breaths and looking around to get her bearings.
Still in her chair, still in the crew lounge, still aboard her team's ship.
She slumped back down in her chair, exhausted in spite of the sleep she had tried to steal before her mission. Exhausted as she always was when she had that damn dream.
It had been two weeks since she had last had it, and while she was grateful it came less frequently than it used to, now it hurt more each time. Since more time passed between instances, she would gradually forget it in the days that followed it. And then it would come again, cruelly surprising her and reopening the wound all over again.
At least when it had come every night, she could see it coming. That hadn't really made it hurt less, but the pain was at least expected; it was just another part of her nights.
It had hung over her like a specter in the two years since John had died.
It was only made worse by it being a corruption of what had once been a lovely dream.
When she was young, she had been shown a short survey film of an oasis on Rannoch, one of the few scraps of video left that had been shot on the homeworld. It had absolutely captivated her, along with all of those that had been shown it. To actually see the homeworld all quarians held up as an ideal in their mind, and for it to actually be such a beautiful, idyllic place, at least in spots, did much to stoke the imagination, as well as the fiery passion all her people had for one day reclaiming it.
Though she had not consciously thought of it much, for years afterward she would sometimes return to that lovely oasis, relaxing on the shore, swimming in the cool water, or exploring the glade of trees which surrounded the pool at its center.
They were always so peaceful, so awe-inspiring, and she had always awoken from them feeling refreshed and satisfied.
But after John had died, her mind had decided to corrupt the idyllic dreamworld with her grief and her longing, and now those dreams were exhausting and frustrating. She had come to hate that stupid oasis.
That stupid lying oasis.
It had only ever been a dream. She would never actually go there and see it, just as she would never see him again.
They were made worse still by the fact that they were semi-lucid.
When she was there in that oasis, half of her remained awake, a spectator forced to watch herself go through the same motions again, thrashing against the shackles of sleep to free her from her nightmare, and failing every time.
Though she could lay out every aspect of the dream if someone asked her, each time it happened it was like the first time all over again.
So she felt both the helplessness to prevent that dream and the fresh pain of it simultaneously in an agonizing blend.
She raised her omni-tool to check the time remaining for them to reach the human colony which was their destination: Freedom's Progress.
Before she could get there, though, a quiet voice across the room made her jump in her seat.
"One hour to arrival." The voice said roughly.
"Vaelar! You scared me." She squeaked, turning to look at him.
The marine squad leader sat in a shadowy corner of the crew lounge, running a cloth along the length of his rifle, a bottle of oil on a nearby table, a weapons bench containing a number of tools like a blow torch and a series of small wrenches. From how the weapon already looked as clean as could be, she assumed he was doing it now just to kill time.
"Sorry. Didn't mean to." He said apologetically.
"It's fine." She said tersely, before deciding she actually wanted to talk more, if only to get her to forget about that dream.
"That rifle looks brand new by now. Don't think you need to clean it anymore." She observed.
He looked up at her, hand still cleaning the weapon.
"No marine ever died because his weapon was too clean, Specialist Zorah." He said, as though quoting someone.
"It's Tali. Could've sworn I told you that earlier." she teased.
Behind his pale blue visor, the marine seemed to smirk.
"Maybe you did, Specialist Zorah. But I won't chance it. Your father has a fearsome reputation. I won't risk being reprimanded for not showing proper respect to his appointed mission leader and daughter both." He said back, the slightest hint of humor coloring his normally flat voice.
From the short time she had known him, she could tell he was not used to joking around much. His men were similarly businesslike.
"And what if I ordered you to drop the title?" she joked back.
"I'd be compelled to obey, Tali." He said stoically.
"That's better, Lieutenant Vaelar." She said with a bit of mock gloating.
"And besides, just because my father has a fearsome reputation doesn't mean I do."
"You're right about that."
Something in his tone made her tilt her head his way.
"What do you mean by that?" she asked pointedly.
"Tali, with all due respect, you seem to be a little oblivious where you are concerned. What I mean by that is that you've got the reputation of being some kind of hero. Fighting with that big-shot Alliance commander against the geth and a rogue Spectre to save the galaxy. Showing all the assholes out there who call us suit rats and thieves what a quarian with a will and a shotgun is capable of. Add to that the projects you've overseen back on the Fleet and a few successful combat missions under your own command and you think people see you as just, what, some engineer?" he observed, waving his hand her way a few times to punctuate his point.
"I am just some engineer." She deflected.
"You're wrong, Tali, but if you want to invoke your authority to override me…" he said, slipping more easily than she would have expected into banter.
"I just might do that." She quipped.
Silence fell, and she was about to get up and go gather her own gear for a last minute check, before he surprised her by speaking again.
"You want to tell me what that nightmare was about?" he asked lightly.
She froze, then shot a look over at him before speaking without thinking, voice steely.
"Don't ask me about that. I hold the command here. You can't make me talk about it."
"Wasn't trying to. Just asking." He said gruffly, but did not make any placating gesture like most people would.
"You…you're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken that tone with you." She apologized. He appeared indifferent to both her little outburst and her apology.
She decided to inquire further.
"How did you know?"
"I know what nightmares look like." He said meaningfully, before actually explaining himself. "Noticed you turned off your voice modulator, to hide you talking in your sleep or your heavy breathing is my guess. But that couldn't hide the tossing and turning, the frantic shaking of head and arm, or the way you jerked your way out of sleep and weren't quite sure of where you were for a moment." He listed off her symptoms methodically.
"Got a keen eye, don't you?" she asked.
"Have to. Part of my job. And yours." He replied, before returning to the matter at hand.
"Like I said, I was just asking. Don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
She thought for a second. She had just met this man a few days ago. But she had come to like him in that short time, and under his gruff exterior, she could tell he was intelligent and clearly well versed in dealing with nightmares. And they did still have a little time to kill.
She decided to talk with him about it, at least a little.
"It's this recurring dream I've been having for a long time." She began.
"Worst kind." He said understandingly.
"Yes, the worst. It's been two years now since I started having it, but it hasn't gotten any easier to deal with. Always feels just as awful as the first time." She confessed.
"Yeah. I get that." He growled.
The grizzled marine leader seemed not to be one for platitudes, but it seemed this time in particular that he really did understand, and wasn't just saying words to get her to feel better. She wondered briefly what his experience with a recurring nightmare was before he spoke.
"So what's this dream about?" he asked, without pressuring.
She tensed just a little. In spite of the fact she liked the lieutenant, she just didn't feel comfortable describing the details themselves.
"I'd…rather not tell you, if that's alright. It's just…" she trailed off.
"It's alright, Tali. We barely know each other." He reassured her.
"I just thought maybe you'd tell me what you know about handling this generally."
"Well, I can tell you a little about my own experience with nightmares. But the thing about them is that you can't find a solution for all of them, only one of them. It's specific." He explained, before his eyes flicked away as he considered something, and then returned to her.
"I'm going to tell you about my recurring dream. Might help." He said simply, without any apparent emotion.
She tensed again, not wanting him to feel like he had some obligation to do this for her.
"You don't have to. It's like you said, we barely know each other." She assured him.
"It's fine, Tali. You're a good sort, I can tell. And it's not like it's a secret, either. All my men know." He revealed.
"They do?" she asked, surprised. He did not seem the type for emotional discussion with just anyone.
"Yeah. And I know all theirs, too. Most of my men have been at my side for over a decade now. We're friends, brothers. No secrets between us. Probably part of the reason we're the best squad in the fleet. Good camaraderie." He answered precisely, before his eyes looked back down at his rifle, hand still idly wiping at a smudge.
"It's been eleven years for me. Unlike you, mine's gotten easier, and yours can, too. But I'll get to that."
He took an uncharacteristically strained breath. It was slight, but she could tell that whatever he was about to tell her still hurt, even if that pain had dulled with time.
"Gonna need to give some background. I had just been promoted to squad leader at the time. Was younger, then, but still had a good deal of experience. There was this woman. Lahsa. Got assigned to my squad right around the time I got promoted."
He looked back up at her.
"You're smart, I'm sure you know where I'm going. We grew close. Real close. She was this sassy, brash sniper, no respect for authority. Pissed me off at first, always mouthing off whenever she thought I did something wrong. But at some point along the line she stopped pissing me off and I started valuing her counsel, started treating her like more of a second in command for the squad, and before we knew it we were together. Not sure when any of it happened. But it did." He explained, still gruff but showing a bit of pain at reopening an old wound.
"Wasn't long after we both admitted what we felt when we get sent to this human colony planet. Gang of batarian slavers had set up camp at a town there after driving out the local population, and had captured two kids on pilgrimage as labor to touch up their shuttles while they lived off their spoils for a while. Mighta killed them after, or taken them along to sell later. Either way. We were sent to pull them out."
He paused for a moment.
"Sent Lahsa up to a hill overlooking the town as overwatch, while the rest of us went in. About halfway to the kids, she reported hearing something near her position, and then I heard a scuffle before her comms cut out. Had a choice, then. Keep going with the mission, or go back to check in on her. Nobody seemed to have seen us. Probably coulda finished it. But I couldn't. Like I said, I was younger, then. Went back."
He paused again, this time for much longer.
"Too late. Seemed like they'd tried to take her, too. Didn't make it easy for them. Three dead, two shot and one with her knife in his eye."
He sucked in another breath.
"Had her tied up like an animal, just laid out on the ground. Must have changed their mind about taking her. Not worth the trouble, I guess."
His shoulders shook just a little, almost too little to be noticed, but Tali did.
"Her visor. Smashed to pieces, probably by a hammer or something. Then…then they took that hammer and caved her face in with it."
He sat in silence for a full minute, breathing a little shallow, eyes distant, before speaking again, flatter now that he had collected himself.
"We had taken the leap the night before, shown each other our faces. And then the day after, I get to see it like that. Bones crushed, coated in blood, smashed in like a ripe melon." He said finally.
"Wasn't long after that an Alliance force showed up. Too large for them to fight, so the batarians fled. Left the kids behind, so we were able to go in and grab them before the humans could. Mission accomplished." There was such bitterness in his voice as he spoke the last.
Tali had listened to his tale in stunned silence. She had guessed from his experience and reputation that he had some tales to tell, but never anything like this. For how awful it was, he hid it well in his usual demeanor. Even eleven years seemed a short time for such pain to go away.
Her empathetic side compelled her to get up and walk over to him, placing a hand upon his shoulder and giving a little squeeze.
"I'm so sorry, Vaelar." She told the older man, knowing he must have heard these same words from a dozen others, but not caring. There wasn't anything else to say, but she also couldn't say nothing at all.
"Yeah. Been a long time now." He shot it down, before gathering himself a little and looking at her.
"You shouldn't blame yourself. You did all you could." She offered.
"I don't. And I did. Not that that made it any easier." He countered, before he composed his features and looked at her.
"Didn't tell you this for no reason. Told you to help you with your nightmares. Guessing you can imagine what mine was about. I relived the whole thing again. There were small alterations sometimes, just to keep it fresh. Sometimes the kids would end up dying, and I would lose the mission, too. Sometimes the rest of my team would die, and I'd be left alone. Really alone. Once…I talked to her, even with her face all mangled…" he trailed off, unwilling to describe any further.
"Anyway. Got to the point I couldn't take the dreams after a year. Needed some closure." He said meaningfully.
"What did you do?" she asked him, hand still on his shoulder.
"Only one thing to do. Requested some extended leave and a shuttle. Had a few favors to cash in, so they were granted. Tracked down that batarian gang. It didn't take very long. Bunch of amateurs. Snuck onto their ship when I was sure they didn't have any 'cargo,' then planted a charge on the drive core. Had my closure with the push of a button."
She only stared at him. It seemed the right thing to do, but to kill so many…
"I still have that dream. A lot. But it's better now, easier to deal with. My point is that you need to do something to get closure on whatever your nightmare is about. And that's something for you to determine, since you won't-"
She cut him off before he could finish.
"I will." She said emphatically.
"Told you already, you don't have to." He said back.
"I want to. After what you just shared with me…It wouldn't be fair. And I think it might help me to talk about it with you." She explained, moving to drag a chair over to sit across from him.
He gave her a good look before speaking.
"Okay, Tali." He said quietly.
She paused a little, considering if this was really the right thing to do, before going on. She needed to let this out to someone.
"It's…a little like yours, but not quite so…grisly. And…I suppose I have some background of my own to go over."
She drew in a breath.
"Three years ago, when I was on pilgrimage, I managed to get hold of a partial geth memory core. You obviously know the importance of that, since no one had ever recovered one before. I found out it had incriminating evidence against Saren, that rogue Spectre you mentioned. Somehow he learned I had it when I was on the Citadel, and sent some of his men to kill me."
She cast her eyes back up at him from where they had been looking at the floor.
"I got shot. With polonium rounds. The pain was…worse than I can describe, worse than anything I'd ever felt before."
She paused before continuing.
"I was hurt, and scared, h-had no idea what to do. So I got desperate, turned to the Shadow Broker for help, since I didn't feel I had any other option. I didn't know anyone there, of course, and C-Sec was…less than helpful. He directed me to an agent of his. Fist. I was going to hand over the memory core in exchange for protection. But he double crossed me for Saren. He sent a couple enforcers of his to collect the data from me, but I could tell they were only going to kill me once they had what they wanted. I only had a concussive grenade on me, so…" She wavered a little as she ended, before gathering herself.
"I thought I was going to die, then. I was so afraid, and angry, too. I didn't want to die in some dark alley, alone and far from everything I'd ever known, only to be forgotten about by everyone on the Citadel. Just some dead suit rat. C-Sec would probably say I stole something and got a little harsh justice for it in their report." She mused bitterly.
She considered again whether or not she really wanted to do this, before deciding she had gone too far already to turn back.
"And then he showed up. That 'big-shot Alliance commander' you heard about. Commander Shepard. Came storming into that dingy alley with a few of his team. He made quick work of the enforcers, like he wasn't even trying. Made fighting look as easy as breathing. Once they were all dead, he offered me a hand up from the ground after one of those thugs pushed me. And then he spoke to me, telling me his name and assuring me that the danger was past. His voice was so calm, like what had been the most terrifying moment of my life was just another part of his day."
She realized that her tone was a little more openly wistful than she intended, but she decided that didn't matter. She'd be saying far too much by the end to care about revealing how she felt about him early.
She continued.
"He had come to get my memory core to expose Saren, and offered to take me to the human embassy for protection. I went with him, even though we had just met. I trusted him. He had saved my life, after all. But…beyond that, there was just something about him. He put me at ease, made me feel like everything would be okay even though I had been so scared, thinking I was about to die just a moment before."
She noticed Vaelar shift how he was looking at her, his perceptive eyes appraising her in a new way as he seemed to begin to understand where her story was going.
"So I went to the embassy, presented the evidence, and it became clear that it would absolutely incriminate Saren. Shepard resolved to go after him, and I decided then that I wanted to go with him. It seemed like too big of a conflict for me to just walk away from. Saren posed a threat to the entire galaxy, and he was involved with the geth as well. I had to fight. And…I have to admit that some stupid girlish desire for adventure on my pilgrimage might have played some role. Just like in the stories everyone told back on the Rayya." She explained a little sheepishly before going on.
"My pilgrimage had been the complete opposite of those stories to start, but I saw a chance to make a real difference, in my pilgrimage and in the galaxy, so I asked to join his team. And he let me. Just a young girl with no real combat experience, just the little bit of weapons training I had and a good grasp of how machines worked. I resolved to make good on his kindness. And I did, I think. I fought my hardest and tried my best on every step of the journey."
"And what a journey it was. It's just like you said, about how people see me. I don't like to talk about it now, but in everything I did, I got to feel like a hero. Got to know everything that went into that, made some good friends who were even bigger heroes than I thought I was. But I also learned that a hero's adventure was not all as I imagined it."
She paused again.
"I almost cried when I had to kill my first person. A human. He was older, with red hair and a scar over his left eye. I had only ever shot geth before, so…it was very hard to do that. He was an awful man, some pirate who'd probably killed dozens of innocents without any of the reservations I had about killing him, but still…I only barely managed to keep myself together. Had to do it with my boot-knife, too, so it was not…clean. A-and some of the other things we saw…piles of bodies, whole towns wiped out…"
She trailed off, though not entirely because of what she had been talking about, but of what she had to talk about next.
Vaelar spoke up, proving his perceptiveness yet again.
"But that's not what your nightmares are about." He said matter-of-factly.
She took a little breath in preparation and gave a slight shake of her head.
"No, that's not what my nightmares are about. They're about She-…about John. That was his first name, what I called him after…well, I think you've already guessed." She offered.
"Yeah. Think I have. Tell me about him." He prompted calmly.
"W-well, you've probably heard a lot of things. About how he was a perfect soldier, a peerless leader, a paragon of virtue. How he fought fearlessly and effectively, never caring for the risks of a mission as long as it needed to be done. How he never wavered in his dedication to the galaxy. A symbol of strength, of determination, and of hope."
Her voice took on a wistful, distant tone as she spoke again.
"But he was also kind, to everyone he met. Smart, even if he didn't think so. Curious about things he didn't understand, like…well, everything about me, at the start." She giggled a little as she recalled better times, before blushing a little as she spoke the next.
"He was…handsome…chiseled and rugged, with these sharp blue eyes that, if you weren't careful, you could just fall in and lose yourself in them, and when he smiled, they would light up so bright I could only sit and stare, like the silly starstruck girl I was. He made me feel a little grateful for my mask sometimes, if only because it hid my blushing." She let out with a little smile in spite of her embarrassment.
"He was funny, too, in this dumb, honest way. Used to tell the stupidest jokes that made everybody else groan, but I could never do anything but laugh at them. I think it was more about the fact that he was telling them than about the jokes themselves, but still..." She gushed, before her tone grew a little more solemn.
"But he was also sensitive…a-and flawed. He felt the pressure of his mission and of what everyone expected of him very acutely. It weighed on him. And he never wanted anyone to help him with it. He was…not very kind to himself, either, never thought he was doing enough, even when everyone around him was heaping on praise. He…guarded himself very diligently, very jealously, never let anyone in to see what lay beneath the mask of the flawless hero he thought everyone needed to see him as." She said a little sadly.
"I got in, obviously, but…it took a while. And just like with you and Lahsa, I don't quite know how it all happened either. One day I was this fresh-faced young girl who was just tagging along, then he trusted me more in combat as a teammate, which led to him trusting me as a friend, and then…"
"Our stories are similar in another way, too. I also showed him my face, and…a little more than that, as well. That…that was when he said he loved me, and I said it back. H-he said it was the happiest he had ever been. It definitely was for me."
As she spoke, she did not allow herself to get too immersed in the soft bliss of the memory, knowing what came next.
"And then he died. Two days later." She breathed, quietly.
Silence hung between them before the lieutenant broke it.
"I'm sorry."
She could not respond.
"He sounds like a fine man. Wish I could've known him."
That was the first platitude he had spoken so far, but she could not blame him for wanting to say something. She had felt the same earlier.
"I'm sure you've heard the story of how it happened. Attack on his ship by an unknown enemy. Lots got out, but about 20 crewmates died with him, tossed into space. But…that's not what my nightmares are about either."
She drew in a little breath.
"It's the same every time. And it's not me reliving his death. It's me feeling…feeling stuck between how to deal with it." She said softly.
"I begin in this oasis. Some lovely place on Rannoch that I saw in a film once." She explained.
"Think I know the one you're talking about. Beautiful."
"Yes. Beautiful. I'm there, hearing the rustling of leaves and the soft gurgling of water, feeling the wind on my skin. I'm naked, for some reason, but not afraid of it. I hear a waterfall in the distance and I walk to it. Step out into this clearing where it is pouring into a pool, and everything there is even more beautiful than the rest that I had seen." She said dreamily, before her tone grew more pointed.
"And then I see him. Standing beneath the waterfall, his features obscured. I don't know that it's him somehow, but something pulls me toward him, and I walk out onto the surface of the pool, closer and closer. Until he steps out and I get to see that it's him, look him over to make sure…" she trailed off.
"And it is him. But he isn't acting like himself, not really. He talks to me like he already knows everything that's going to happen, even if I still don't. Like… an actor playing a part. We talk a little. I…I get angry with him for leaving me. As if it was his choice. I realize how stupid it is to feel that way…and I apologize, a-and then I just want to hold him, one last time."
Her voice was shaky now.
"B-but I can't. He won't come to me, and I can't go to him. I ask him why, and he tells me that I'm the one keeping us apart, as some way of letting him go. I fight it…say I don't want to, say he deserves better than to be let go, but by then I realize that I've said those words dozens of times, that I've had this same dream before."
Her lip quivered beneath her mask and her voice was husky and weak, but she did not allow herself to cry.
"Then he walks away from me. I-I beg him to stay, but he won't even look back at me. And then he's gone. And…it feels like I've lost him all over again."
"The dreams…it's like half of me knows they're dreams, and half of me doesn't. So part of me is screaming at myself to wake up a-and stop it, and the other half is there in that oasis, ignorant, so that it's fresh, no matter how many times I have it."
She finished, somewhat exhausted at having let out so much.
A long moment passed where neither spoke, and Vaelar had his eyes set on the ground.
Eventually, he rose them to her mask, but she did not meet them, her own eyes boring into the floor.
"I'm sure you've said this to yourself before. A lot. But you don't seem to know what you want to do about it, how you want to deal with his death." He said in a low voice.
She only gave a little nod.
"Hell of a choice to make. I let Lahsa go, mostly. That dream is about all I have left of her. I guess I don't think very much about that choice. Not sure if it was the right one. But it hurts less, and at the time…hurting less was all I wanted." He finished.
"But right or wrong, it's a choice you need to make. Let him go and end your pain, or keep him with you, and suffer for it. Standing in the middle is no way to live. You get the worst of both." He said calmly.
She met his eyes, then.
"I know that. And you're right, I have told myself all this before. But I just don't know. I feel like if I let him go, I'd be betraying him. He was a good man, and I loved him. I…I can't just let him go, can I?"
Her eyes fell away as she was once again wracked with indecision.
"But it hurts. A lot. Even two years after his death, I still feel it. It's gotten a little better, of course. But just when I think I've forgotten him for a moment, something like this dream will come along and I'll be right back there in that escape pod…banging on the glass while I watch the ship fall apart…b-but he would want me to let him go, right? He wouldn't want me to be in pain for his sake…I just don't know." She cried, letting her emotion overtake her.
Her shoulders shook a little as she let the words pour out, but she did not weep.
He looked at her, eyes piercing even through his visor, and he straightened his shoulders, drawing himself up.
"I'll say it again. You need to choose."
"How?" she choked out.
"Did he ever get you a gift, something you kept?" he said, as though he already knew the answer.
"Y-yes." She said, reaching down to one of her suit pockets and pulling it out to rest in her palm.
It was a thick ring, carved from black volcanic glass, shiny and smooth. Obsidian, he had called it. Its centerpiece was a brilliant purple amethyst that always mesmerized her if she looked at it too long. It was encircled by a ring of smaller gemstones, lighter and less brilliant than the main one, though they only served to make the centerpiece appear more beautiful by comparison.
And inscribed around the interior of the ring in three lines was a phrase in elegant silver lettering, the print fine and precise so as to fit. Khelish, she knew.
No matter what should come your way,
No matter if the sky's turned gray,
If your fire's down to embers,
There's something you must remember
Forget not that these words are true,
Forget not how much I love you.
She did not look down at the writing, but she knew what it said all the same.
She did not speak, either. It had been a while since she had even looked at the ring at all, and now she did not trust her voice. Seeing it again made her throat tighten.
"Can I see it?" Vaelar asked softly.
She didn't reply, only handed it over to him.
He ran it over in his fingers, examining it.
"Pretty. And it's in your colors." He mused.
"Y-yes, it is. John had it made for me after the fight with Saren. He…gave it to me that night, those two days before he died. As for what's written…he said he was too much of a coward to say it out loud, so he had to get a ring to say it for him." She said, a little smile coming to her face at the memory.
The lieutenant ran it over in his fingers a few times more, before he raised his eyes to hers.
"So this means a lot to you, does it?" he asked flatly.
"Well…yes." She said back.
"Good." He said, hand reaching over in a flash to grab something from the top of the weapons bench.
It was only when a brilliant blue flame came pouring from it that she realized it was a blowtorch, now held treacherously close to the ring.
Her hand shot out reflexively.
"No! What are you doing?!" she yelled.
Vaelar turned away from her a bit, shielding the ring from her before turning back, realizing she wouldn't actually try to grab it.
"Make your choice, Tali." He demanded coldly.
"This isn't how I imagined this going!" she shot back.
"Maybe not. But it's how it's going to be. Either you make it or I make it for you." He growled.
"Please, don't…" she begged.
"You don't want me to make the choice for you, trust me. You'll never live it down." He pressed.
She paused for a bit, her thoughts frantic, going back through every point she had thought of over the past two years, those for and against both her choices.
"I'm gonna give you three seconds." He declared.
"No, wait! Just give me more-" she began.
"Three."
"Vaelar, please…"
"Two."
"You can't…
"One."
She reached out to snatch the ring from his hand, cradling it in both of hers and bringing them up so that she could bury her face in them and rest the ring against her visor, a few deep sobs beginning to wrack her shoulders as she looked at the writing on it through the glass, reading it over and over until she could not make it out anymore through the blur of her tears.
It hurt, and she was almost afraid of what her choice meant, but beneath that, she felt relieved. Relieved at how she had finally come to a decision as to how she would respond to his death. She had stood in limbo for two years, and would do so no longer. There was a joy in that, in spite of how she had just condemned herself to yet more pain.
But it felt right. She would go on, and live her life well, but she would also not forget what they had meant to each other. It would not have been right, and she was satisfied with her choice, deep down.
She had been alone in her own mind for a long while, but then she thought about the marine sitting across from her.
Though her first reaction was anger and agitation at what he had done, she corrected that impulse almost immediately.
"Thank you." She said in a low voice, without looking up at him.
"Yeah. Didn't want to do that, you know. Thought I had to." He said, now a little apologetic.
"I know, Vaelar. You were right to do it." She said back earnestly.
After another long silence, she pulled her head out of her hands, giving a sniffle or two before pushing herself to her feet, the lieutenant following suit.
"I wish you luck with all of this, Tali. I hope it gets easier." He said genuinely.
"It will. I know it will." She said back hopefully.
He glanced down at his omni-tool, then.
"Ten minutes to touchdown. Should go check our gear again." He said, back to business, before stepping briskly toward the far door of the room and exiting.
Tali stood alone for a long moment, looking down at the ring and twirling it around with her fingers, before she finally stopped, moving to slide it reverently over one of them, then holding out her hand to admire it. It had been two years since she had last put it on, but she had made her choice.
With a sad smile on her lips and a new resolve in her heart, she moved to join the lieutenant in his final preparations.
