Author's Note: Hello all. Here's another chapter of everyone's favourite Persona 3 fic, released in the same year as the last one! What madness is this?! First some replies, then onto the good stuff.
Winter Arctica: It is amazing how that works, isn't it? Glad you're enjoying the story, and yes, darker waters indeed since we're down to the last few months and into the most intense part of the game. Glad you're liking the content; I aim to raise the bar every time.
flyboy179: Ahhh, I see. Well I'm aiming at more frequent releases since the story does deserve to be told, so hopefully the comparison to Berserk will also become one of quality. Thanks for the review!
Umbradominus19: Tips and hints on what's coming up? I'd love to, but there's so much that's going to be changing so quickly that hints would either be insufficient, or they would just give it away. What I will say is that some of the things you brought up are developed in this chapter, and a lot of stuff will be happening in very short order so for most of the stuff you're curious about, you won't have to wait very long to see what happens. The scenes of trauma for Mitsuru and Ken were fun to write given how I had to get into the mind of a mature leader and a broken child, respectively. Oddly, Chidori's psychopathy came very easily to me, which probably says something unfortunate about how my mind works, but the deeper scenes have always appealed to me as well, so if I wrote them effectively then I'll definitely take it. Glad you liked the last chapter, and I hope you enjoy this one.
Mr. Haziq: True enough, but sometimes the fantasy comes with a pretty bad nightmare.
Myalko: Thanks for the praise! I don't know if I can claim that much credit, but I'll take it if you feel that way about the fics. Official canon? That would be pretty intense, but either way it feels like I'm doing the story justice. Glad you like it so far, and enjoy the chapter!
Genesic Savior: Glad to see you again; feel free to talk as much as you like. Good to hear you're enjoying the work. Shinjiro dying was a low point for me in the game, but then it gets glossed over so quickly that I barely had the chance to process the aftermath. With the mess of everything going on, there was a lot that could have happened that just didn't. And for the Personas, it did seem strange that no one considered the origins of the new kid's supernatural ally and then wondered why he ended up being a bad apple. Same as Minato producing a death god and everyone being all cool with it. The happy couple, yeah, that was fun to write. I'm with you in that explosions and action are nice and all, but good characters and great dialogue will get me every time. If I've succeeded in that regard, then I'll take it as a win. Thanks for the review, and enjoy!
Off we go! Many thanks to Firion for his help on this one - it would only have been half as good without him.
Chapter 14 – Touché
Ken blinked. Had he heard right? "What do you mean, become a normal person again?"
"It's just as I said. Takeharu-san has proposed that you be given the option to–" Abe-san glanced at Maeda-san's bookshelf for the right words, "–disconnect, let's say, from all of this. SEES, the Shadows, everything that you know isn't normal. He's asked me to give you the choice of whether you want us to try to seal away your Persona potential so you can go back to a normal life."
"Taking away my potential? You can do that?"
"We're not technically taking it away," Abe-san clarified. "We can minimize the effect the Dark Hour has on you and try to stifle any sense of having a Persona that you experience. It's a theoretical procedure – we haven't tested it on anyone yet – but it's an alternative to you trying to manifest a Persona and making your condition worse."
That would mean giving up Neme– his Persona. That would mean leaving everyone in SEES. Ken's mouth went dry at the thought. "L-like I said, I'm feeling it better now–"
Abe-san's glare cut Ken's words short. "I heard you the first time. I don't believe you. The numbers show that you aren't up to par, and we have to consider courses of action as a result of that. Mitsuru-san needs a strong team that can keep fighting, and to put it bluntly you aren't making the cut. If you can't be part of SEES, then we need to think of your future. If you want to become normal again, then we'll need to secure a way to do that." Abe-san tapped on the desk, seemingly out of habit. "Keep in mind that this is just an option. The choice is yours and we will respect it either way."
"Could you tell us the details of this procedure, Abe-san?" Maeda-san brought up. "You mentioned that it is experimental. What would be involved?"
"Nothing invasive or painful, if that's what you're wondering," Abe-san assured them. "We've analyzed those drugs that Strega uses, and there are components we can use to diminish the effects of a Persona without hurting the User. We'd work on the dosage until we got it right and our hope is that, if Amada takes them, he'll suppress his potential to the level of a normal person. He wouldn't have a Persona, he wouldn't stand out to the Shadows, and he wouldn't experience the Dark Hour anymore. If that is the avenue we take, we theorize that he'll be through the process in nine to twelve months, and he might not need to take anything after that point."
"Are you suggesting that the drugs would kill off his Persona?"
"Not really. We've compared his readings to the others and the process isn't really killing anything. If successful, the procedure would stop him from hearing a Persona or feeling the impulse to use it. Without a stressor and a motive to use it, we hope he'll live as normal a life as we can expect of him. We've considered the possibility that normal events would stress him out enough to prompt something like a Persona, especially since we have no idea where his life will go from here and we can't account for every bad thing he encounters. We're looking at training to keep that under control."
"Are there any other side effects? Mood swings, mental changes, adverse reactions to the drugs?"
Abe-san shrugged. "We don't know. All of the science behind the idea is pretty solid, and we've triple-checked those drugs so that we're not playing with a loaded gun, but we've never had someone to test them on. They wouldn't work on anyone in SEES – that includes Yoshino – and this is still very new. We would keep Amada under close observation to make sure that he's in good health, of course, and we wouldn't close his case until we were absolutely certain that he's in the clear."
Ken raised a hesitant hand. He could follow most of the stuff they were talking about, and the ideas were pretty intense. "Why wouldn't it work on the others?"
"They're too strong," Abe-san explained. "This treatment could work on you because you're not crossing threshold anymore. Your Persona isn't strong enough to resist, so it's easier to diminish. No one else in SEES has that problem, so they would probably have a bad reaction to the drugs, or no reaction at all."
"Are the drugs the only stipulation you are proposing?" Maeda-san inquired, sounding like he knew the answer already.
Abe-san exhaled, glancing at their patient. "No. If Amada goes through with this, he'll leave Port Island for good. Another branch of the Group will take him into their care and he'll start his life over. That means no contact with anyone from SEES, not now and not in the foreseeable future."
Ken paled. Not seeing the others? Going to a strange new place? His palms started to sweat. "Why couldn't I see them?"
"Because their Personas are active, and they are still fighting. Being around them could keep the Potential alive in you, and we want to stop that." Abe-san's toned went from clinical to firm. "Keep in mind that it's the Potential that makes you aware of the Dark Hour. If you stay as you are, the Shadows will see you and probably attack you. You can't defend yourself right now, and you'd be even less able to do so if you're suppressing your Persona. For this to work, and for the sake of your safety and that of those around you, you have to be completely normal. That means taking you away from anything that could spark a return of your Persona."
He'd be cut off from SEES. He'd never see the others again, never play with Koro or talk to Akihiko-senpai or taste Fuuka-san's cooking again. "But I'm leaving everyone behind if I do that."
"Correct."
"They're still fighting the Shadows," Ken protested.
Abe-san shrugged. "And they likely will until they reach the end of the fight, whenever that is."
"The full moon's in a week. I wouldn't be able to help them if I ran away." They might need him, might need healing if Yukari-san was hurt, might need–
The administrator's eyes snapped like a bear trap. "You're a wreck, mentally speaking, and you can't summon your Persona right now. You're not even close. You're not improving, so you can't help them anyway – definitely not in time for the full moon. That point is irrelevant, and if it's what you're holding onto, then stop it."
"That's harsh, Abe-san," Maeda-san rebuked.
"I agree, but that's how it is." He stared at their young charge. "You don't need to make a choice right now, Amada, but you do need to be honest with yourself and think about what you want. You're not in fighting form, and until you are you're not going back to the dorm. No one will judge you if you want to leave, but this decision affects where your life goes from here. You need to be aware of that and take it seriously, and that means dealing with unpleasant truths."
"They're my friends," the boy murmured. "They've given me a lot. I don't want to abandon them."
"That's easy to say, but those are just words unless you show results."
Ken grit his teeth, feeling angry, truly angry, at how the man shot each idea down. The anger felt surprisingly good – it wasn't guilt or fear and it didn't weigh him down. "How can I make them not words? How can I get my Persona back?"
Abe-san's expression didn't change from Ken's tone. "By fixing whatever's bothering you. That means your problems with Shinjiro-san and your mother, and anything else you have going on. They're throwing you into a tailspin right now and until you get your head in order, I doubt you'll get anywhere no matter how much you say you want to."
"How do I fix that stuff?"
"We're limited in that regard," the man admitted. "We can't read your mind and we can't solve these problems for you. You have the resources of the Group at your disposal, but until you find a way to deal with the underlying problems, we can only help so much. If Nemesis is fighting back against you, then you either need to deal with it or move forward. Make your peace with Shinjiro and your mother, if those were your strongest motivators, and find a new reason to fight."
The anger flickered out, trampled by the demon horseman. He was holding onto control by his fingertips, familiar despair pulling him down. "I want to help the others," Ken tried. "Isn't that a good enough reason?"
"Obviously not, since you're not getting any better." Abe-san's eyes narrowed. "There isn't a quick fix to this, Amada – we're talking about the very nature of your psyche, given a supernatural amount of power. That's not a burden you shoulder without consequences, so if you think you can lie your way into having a Persona, you're very wrong. The problems are coming from inside you, and until those problems are resolved, you're going to stay right where you are no matter how much you run."
Fixing the problem. Making things right again. How was he supposed to do that? Everything had gone wrong since Mom died. Shinjiro-senpai was dead, so how could anyone make it up to him? "I can't go back in time and change things. This is what it is, right?"
"Partially. We're dealing with the mind and that means a lot of this comes down to perspective. Maybe the changes you need are drastic, but maybe they're as simple as adjusting how you remember a few things so the rest clicks into place. You won't know until you try, but if you want to get better then the rest has to come from you." Abe-san paused. "Keep in mind that nothing about this is going to be simple. Your numbers are abysmal, and they wouldn't be if you just needed a few tweaks and a pep talk. Your problems are serious, so unless you take a proper run at getting better, you won't get anywhere. We know how hard it is for people to change, and we especially know how heavy the burden is that you and the rest of SEES bear. That's why Takeharu-san is making the offer to give you an out while you're young enough to make the most of the opportunity. He doesn't want to see you break something you can't repair. None of us do."
"Perhaps we should end this discussion for now," Maeda-san suggested. "This has been a lot for Amada to take in, I think."
"That's fine. I will say one last thing: If you are going to rejoin SEES, or if you are going to leave, be honest with yourself and be certain that you'll go all the way. Halfway measures aren't going to solve anything at this point, and Mitsuru-san and the others don't deserve to be hurt or killed because you think you can help them. What they're doing is too important for your ego to get in the way, and I don't want them to die because of an error in judgment." He glanced over at the protesting therapist. "I know that's harsh, Maeda-san. But he needs to know what's at stake, and coddling him won't help anyone. If he's serious about getting better, then I'll help him the best I can. But if he's going to lie and make excuses, then he'll be handled as such."
Maeda-san's objections dried up, and his mouth was set stern but understanding. "Then what needed to be said has been said. I think he understands."
"Please make sure that he does. Now I want to talk about something else, Amada."
Ken jerked up, not sure where this turn was going to take him. "Y-yes?"
Abe-san tapped a silver lighter steadily, apparently thinking hard again. "It's about your preliminary tests. You should have taken a series of them before you joined SEES, when your potential was gauged. Do you remember them?"
"Um, yes, I think so."
"We're having some trouble finding those results, so please tell me everything you went through. With whom, where you did it, every detail, no matter how small you think it might be."
The question threw Ken for a spin. He hadn't expected someone from the Group to ask him about this stuff. Shouldn't they know their own procedures if they ran the tests? "I'm not sure if I'll be able to remember everything, sir. This is kind of out of the blue."
"That's fine. Let's start today with what you remember clearly, then I'd like you to think about it for the next week and write down anything that comes to mind. Even if it's questions you have or things you weren't sure about, get them to me or Maeda. It's important, so we'll listen to whatever you have to say."
Take notes. Make notes. Remember something not Mom. "Okay."
"Good. Let's begin."
Ken took a minute to collect his thoughts, trying to think back to when Ikutsuki-san first came to talk to him and the tests that were conducted. He gave what details he could, talked about the places he went to and the assistants Ikutsuki-san had, how the tests themselves were different from what Abe-san had been doing.
The two men listened silently. Maeda-san scratched notes on his paper pad while Abe-san stared at the floor, still tapping his lighter in an unbroken rhythm. Ken was certain he messed up some details and confused them, going back and forth and correcting himself two or three times, but they only asked for clarification once. The silence of the room became heavy, but Ken pushed through and brought up everything that came to mind. It felt good to be doing something more than tests for a change.
"It sounds like Ikutsuki was overseeing most of your tests," Abe-san noted when Ken was finished.
"That's right. He knew about the Shadows and Personas and he introduced me to the others. That was when he told me about SEES and what they do, that sort of thing."
"I mean the preliminaries. He found you and brought you up almost from scratch. That's outside his normal duties. You said he didn't do this alone, right?"
"There were two other people, but I didn't get their names. They just ran the tests and didn't say very much. Ikutsuki-san didn't talk to them very much either. I assume they were important, but I don't know for sure."
"That's unusual," Maeda-san noted.
"Maybe," Abe-san grit out. "Maybe not."
Ken looked at the two adults, not sure where the conversation had gone or what he should say.
Abe-san stood to his full height. "Thanks for the information. That gives me something to work with. If you remember anything else, write it down and send it to me. It's important, so try to go over every detail if you can."
"I will. Does this mean Ikutsuki-san is in trouble?"
"That's SEES business. If you plan on leaving, then you don't need to know. If you're going to rejoin them, then get to work on your problems and I'll tell you when you're clear." With that he left Maeda's office, the door closing hard behind him.
"That concludes our time together for today, Amada," the therapist said. "I recommend that you record what you can remember of the details Abe-san is looking for. If you need anything further, you can always come back. Do you have any questions?"
"Did he mean what he said? About Ikutsuki-san being a SEES problem?"
"Does that bother you?" The older man's eyes were comforting but calculating at the same time.
Ken let out a shaky breath. "It's just... never sunk in, I guess. I'd hoped I was still one of them, like this was all just a break or something."
"Abe-san's following something he didn't expect to come up, and it has put him in a bad mood. Don't let that part bother you. However, I can't tell you anything more on the matter. If you fix the problems with your Persona, you might be able to rejoin them, and then we'll tell you. Until then, it's private."
"I understand, I think."
"Good. Get some rest and please send us anything else you remember." Maeda-san closed his book and nodded. "Remember that our doors are always open. Until then."
"Ken's not getting any better," Minato observed, closing the email he'd been reading. "Weeks of help and still no progress. I didn't expect him to be this bad off."
"Are you concerned?" Mitsuru-senpai asked from her desk. She looked better. More vibrant, not as stressed, and she was smiling more now than she had before. It was way too early to say she had recovered from Shinjiro-senpai's death, but Minato believed she was coping well. She'd gone out with the girls yesterday, coming back loaded down with bags and tears in her eyes from some joke Yukari had told. Her smile was so beautiful that Minato didn't mind helping take the bags upstairs. Today she'd scheduled a meeting for them to catch up on business and cover any last-minute matters before the full moon came, five days away. Hopefully they could finish up soon and get outside for a while - the weather was beautiful.
"Considering what his numbers look like now? Yeah, I am. I'm wondering if he ever should have been allowed to fight if he was always like this, and what's worse, I wonder if the fights he did go through are making things worse for him now."
She nodded, a contemplative look on her face. The time since Shinjiro-senpai's death seemed to have mellowed her mood toward their young charge. "I agree. He's in the best hands the Group has to offer, but I wonder if that's enough. If we exacerbated the situation, then I wonder if even our best help is enough to bring him back."
Minato sighed. With everything Senpai had gone through since the last full moon, he hadn't taken the time to visit Ken at the Kirijo compound. What could he say? What words were there that would make things better? For days after the funeral, Minato heard Sakaki's mocking laughter in his ears whenever Ken's name was mentioned. It wasn't the kid's fault that the madman knew more about the situation than Minato himself did, but by the time everything in the dorm had gotten to some stage of normal, it was too close to the next full moon to risk rocking the boat. Starting today, everyone was going into combat mode and extraneous activities were being cut to the bone. Minato wondered if visiting Ken now would be enough to throw him off his game. He didn't want to think so, but he also knew better than to overestimate his own abilities. Last time he did that he'd shredded his own insides and gotten stuck eating hospital food for weeks. "I want to help him. Maybe he could use a visit from one of us."
"The others have visited him numerous times," she pointed out. "His numbers haven't gotten better."
"Then maybe he needs to get out of the house for a while. Give him a day pass and a chaperone, someone he can have fun with and get his mind off things."
"Can we afford that? We're getting close to the next Shadow."
There were plenty of objections she could have raised that would have stopped the idea in its tracks. She'd made none of them. Minato guessed that she was sympathetic to Ken's situation but was either still processing her own feelings on the matter, or she was focused on the upcoming fight. "I've thought of that, and there's one member of our group who would have the best chances of helping Ken while suffering the lowest risk of a drop in morale if he's not at 100%. Win-win situation."
The half-smile she gave him told him she'd guessed who he had in mind. "I approve. I'll ask Abe-san to arrange for Amada to have a day off. That might be what he needs, and even if his tests don't get better, I don't expect him to stay cooped up like that forever. He's at an age where he should be outdoors and having fun, no matter what choice he makes."
"Thanks, Senpai."
"We might have to do something about Ikutsuki," Mitsuru-senpai told him, leaning back in her chair. "As soon as next week."
Minato raised an eyebrow, not expecting her to change gears that fast. "In what regard? And why are we changing subjects?"
"We aren't. Ikutsuki could be involved with Amada's situation."
Minato hadn't seen this coming. The dorm director was in the background enough that it was easy to forget that he was there. If not for the terrible puns, Minato could have done it long ago. "Go on."
Mitsuru-senpai counted her questions on her fingers. "Why was Amada green-lit for SEES when he had a bad connection with Shinjiro and Akihiko? Why was he allowed to fight when he lacked the coping mechanisms for intense stress? He wasn't suited for field combat when he joined us, but why didn't anyone test him more before sending him over? Why don't more of the Kirijo personnel know about him like they did Takeba and Akihiko?"
Minato nodded. It was hard to look at the situation as it stood and not think that there had been a serious screw up somewhere along the line. "I'd assumed it was because we needed the people. More Persona Users on the team is a net benefit for us, even if one of them is a bit behind in skill. That just would have meant training him up to par, like the rest of us had to go through. It's not like Junpei was a great fighter at first, after all."
"That would be valid only if Iori also needed to learn to handle being around Shadows or if he needed training in adequate coping mechanisms," she countered. "He didn't, Takeba didn't, and neither did you. Fighting Shadows is what SEES does, and that carries the expectation of mental rigour. If someone was a good fighter but lacked mental fortitude, then we wouldn't accept them. So why were we given a candidate who couldn't handle even that much? Did we need numbers that badly?"
Minato thought his response over. "Ken's only falling apart because Shinjiro-senpai died. If that hadn't happened, then Ken might not be like this." He frowned, following his own logic. "But if Ken planned on killing himself anyway, then there's no way he'd have come out of the situation better off. He couldn't have been healthy if he was suicidal, and that takes us right back to the beginning."
"Correct."
The harder Minato thought about the situation, the more he dug down to the bone and marrow, the less things lined up. "That's a pretty serious oversight. How does Ikutsuki fall into this?"
She pointed at her laptop. "I've gotten reports from someone who knows Kirijo procedures about Personas inside and out. There are holes in the preliminary records. According to Amada, Father, and Abe-san, Ikutsuki was involved in the selection process and the initial testing to a disproportionate degree. They're both out of place, enough that they've warranted an internal investigation."
Minato paused. This was the first time the Group had really gotten involved in SEES's operations and backgrounds, and it was clear the gloves weren't staying on. "That sounds serious. It's hard to imagine that he'd do something to intentionally sabotage Ken, but if anyone could do it on the sly, it would be the paper pusher. That doesn't explain why he'd do it, though."
"We don't know," she admitted with a shrug. "I've thought of what his motives might be, and I can't come up with anything. Greed, spite, incompetence, outside factors, nothing sticks. Ikutsuki's greatest interests are SEES and his books, and his role has always been administrative in nature. Nothing we know about him explains why he might have orchestrated things like this."
"If he even did. We don't have a smoking gun, do we?"
"If you mean clear evidence of his actions, then no, we don't. But there are enough unanswered questions that I feel we need to do something, especially considering how much Amada has regressed. That's no mere accidental oversight, and I'm not going to forgive someone who might have knowingly traumatized a child. I'm especially not going to take chances with everyone else here."
Minato smiled. When Senpai wanted to get things done, she got them done yesterday. "What do you have in mind?"
"Removal from the dorm and its activities," she announced, eyes hard. "Beyond that is Father's purview, but perhaps Ikutsuki would be removed from the Group entirely."
He raised an eyebrow. She wasn't screwing around. "That's serious."
"I take the safety of our team seriously. I'd considered removing him earlier, but there was a concern regarding how Takeba and some of the others would interpret such an action. Now I don't think we can afford to be worried about that. Furthermore, if Pharos is correct and the next Shadow is the last one, then Ikutsuki's role will be at an end here. His information has been suspect for a while, and now I don't think we can even consider him to be reliable. We can't afford careless mistakes or unknown motives if things are going to get more challenging, so the fewer side concerns we have, the better off we are overall."
Minato mulled the points over, giving both sides equal consideration. "I see your point, I'm just not sure if it's the right decision. On one hand, Ikutsuki could have screwed up Ken's reports and sent him into a bad situation intentionally. That would make him directly responsible. On the other hand, there might be a valid reason for how Ken turned out, and we might need Ikutsuki's help in the future."
"The risk that Ikutsuki poses to us outweighs any potential benefits," she concluded. "There are other people who can do the paperwork, and I can't think of anything he offers that we can't get elsewhere."
"You think it's become that bad?"
Her nod was firm. "I admit I'm going off of the worst-case scenario. Presumptuous, maybe, but it's on my mind. If Ikutsuki approved of Amada's SEES candidacy knowing that he couldn't handle the strain of fighting Shadows, then he's responsible for the wreck Amada has become. Misleading us about the situation, throwing a child to the wolves, possibly setting Shinjiro up to be killed, that is all unforgivable. That might be the least-charitable interpretation of his actions, but if those were his intentions, then he can't be allowed to stay. And if it was an oversight, then it's on the scale that I won't allow. I expect more of my people, and if he can't handle the demands of the position, then I don't need him here."
Minato was silent. Senpai was scary when she was angry, and she was clearly angry right now. "So far as his motives are concerned, they seem like a stretch. But you're right that someone should have caught Ken's problems before they blew up in our faces, and Strega's still a huge unknown in spite of how long we've been looking for them. There are too many conveniences, too many unanswered questions. If you think that Ikutsuki has to go, I'll support you."
"You don't have any reservations?" Her tone suggested she expected to get some more pushback.
"There's a lot I don't know, so I can't say whether he planned this or not." Never attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity, after all. "But we might never get answers to those questions, and we can't put the team at risk just because not all of the pieces fit. We're facing the clock, so if something needs to be done, then I trust your judgment."
"Thank you." She looked at him speculatively before rising from her chair. "There's something I want to show you. As repayment for your help before."
She blindsided him, changing the subject again. He got up and followed her, now curious. "Repayment?"
"I feel like I owe you," she explained, a blush dusting her cheeks. "For being there for me."
He realized what she meant - her using him as a cry tissue and a body pillow. He shook his head, against any idea that she had to pay him back for that. "You don't owe me anything, Senpai. I helped you because I wanted to, because we're together, so there's no debt against you."
"Even within the parameters of our relationship, I shouldn't take things for granted," she insisted. "That's the fastest way to make mistakes and invite trouble, so I have a fitting compensation in mind."
"That's really not necessary, you–"
"Arisato." Her tone brooked no argument.
"Yes?"
"This is happening. Accept my thanks and stop arguing with me."
He wanted to fight her on it, wanted to insist that he needed no repayment for helping his girl. Especially since she was cute when her ire was up. But she was cuter when she got her way and this let him see more sides to her that he hadn't yet, so he smirked and conceded. "Okay, Senpai."
"Good." She looked satisfied as she took up her Evoker and held it out to him, light catching on the slide. "You once asked what my inscription said. Do you remember?"
That really came from left field, and Minato was surprised that she remembered. But he hadn't forgotten. "Yes. You said it was personal, that Ikutsuki hadn't been the one to make the engravings."
"That's right." She stepped forward, letting him take it.
He turned it over, back and forth. It felt familiar enough that his Personas rustled, priming to manifest even outside of the Dark Hour, but the grip and weight were foreign enough that they seemed to know he wasn't going to bring them out. The weapon was smaller than his, more streamlined and delicate despite how sturdy he knew it had to be. The grip and trigger showed signs of long use, speaking to how much she maintained her Evoker rather than having it replaced. And the inscription was of finer detail than any he'd seen so far. She'd mentioned before, back on the train platform after they'd killed their first big Shadow, that the letters were Greek. He hadn't known what they'd said back then, and that hadn't changed. "I can't read it. What does it say?"
"Are you familiar with many gospels from the Bible?"
"Not really." He didn't find theology very interesting. Even after having so many mythical guests emerge in his soul, he couldn't find the drive to read holy books. "My parents were always busy so we didn't go to church that often."
She nodded. "That's common. My mother was Christian, and she read the stories to me when I was young." Mitsuru-senpai looked fondly at a small stand on her desk, at something Minato hadn't seen before: A gold crucifix.
Minato knew how dear Mitsuru-senpai's memories of her mother were. He felt honoured to hear them, however much or little Senpai decided to say when the subject came up.
"There's a passage that I always think of whenever Father and I talk about her," she continued. "It suits her and everything I remember about her."
Minato could put the pieces together easily enough now. "That passage is what you had inscribed on here, I take it."
Senpai nodded.
"What does it say?"
"Kahee ho foce en ho skotia faheenoh, kahee ho skotia owtos oo katalambano," she replied without hesitation.
"I don't speak whatever that was," he admitted.
"It's from the gospel of John," she supplied, running a finger down one side of the slide, "chapter one, verse five: And the light shineth in the darkness," she turned the Evoker, finger down the other side, "and the darkness comprehended it not. Mother was like that; always bright, always alive. Even when things were difficult or when our rivals would try and slander her, she never let it bother her or get in her way. She pushed through everything life threw at her no matter how bad it got, and I couldn't have asked for a better commemoration to her."
A light shining in the darkness. Like how she looked on that train platform, bright against the backdrop of the Dark Hour. Like how she always looked, even if she didn't know it. The phrase was perfect for her. Minato had never met her mother, but given how Senpai handled every challenge without flinching, how she supported everyone and gave them direction, even Yukari who'd had an axe to grind with her since the beginning and Ken who'd tried to kill Shinjiro-senpai, he was certain that the phrase applied to her as well. He told her so, adding, "You couldn't have made a better choice."
She blushed, trying to look stern past the smile. "I'm being serious."
"So am I. For everything you do for us, everything you've gone through to get us this far, we owe you a lot. It can't be easy, so thanks for being our light, Senpai."
"Flattery," she murmured.
"Honesty," he assured her.
She sighed, sounding long-suffering even as her eyes sparkled. "What am I going to do with you?"
"Spend the rest of the day with me, out on the town," he offered. "That's the most practical thing to do, isn't it?"
"We've been doing that a lot lately," she noted, not sounding disappointed. "I think I've spent more money on outings in the last month than I ever have before."
"It's worth it. And the full moon's not far off, so I want to stock up."
Her eyes turned cautionary. "You're tempting fate, you know. If you treat the next fight like it's the last, you'll invite it to be so."
He tried not to think about it. He could feel the rising tension, like they were heading for the edge of a waterfall. Months of fighting had given him a sense for things around him, like being in the current of a river he couldn't get out of. Pharos's warning that things were going to get harder didn't help things. "I know, but I want to spend time with you. Being irresponsible and having fun is best done with good company, so let's go." He expected a disapproving look at the suggestion of truancy, or at least for her to look indignant that she'd be thought to play hooky.
She did neither, instead granting him a smile of agreement. "All right. We're done for the day, so I suppose some leisure time is in order."
Minato hadn't expected her to give in so easily, but he already knew where he wanted to take her. All those operations had taught him the benefits of planning contingencies. "Exactly. I've got a new place I want to take you."
"I don't know where you manage to find all these places," she noted with a touch of surprise, "and I've lived here for years."
"It's a gift."
"Then I'll let you exercise it." She grabbed her coat and indicated toward the door, her smile brightening her eyes. "I'm counting on you for an entertaining afternoon."
That almost sounded like a challenge. Minato laughed, ready to rise to it and not think of the coming battles. "Not a problem, Senpai."
When Ken was younger, Dad had talked about the seven sins from the Bible. Greed, gluttony, wrath, Ken had figured out how they fit into normal life fairly easily. But sloth had been one he'd never quite understood. Laziness wasn't good for someone, sure, but why did it qualify as a sin? Dad had tried explaining it – talking about apathy and a loss of ability to act or how people stopped fighting for their beliefs and just accepted a status quo they didn't believe in – but it hadn't connected with a child's mind.
Ken could now look back on those lessons and appreciate them a lot more. He wanted to be out of the Kirijo compound, back with SEES where he could help the others, or at least hang out with them: Junpei-san and his all-night action movies, Akihiko-senpai and his protein-heavy meals, even Yukari-san and how she used up all the hot water in the shower and then fought with Arisato-senpai about it. He'd thought the group was strange when he first moved to the dorm, but now he could appreciate how normal they were. They went out at night and fought the Shadows, faced demons from the worst corners of the human mind, but then woke up the next morning and bickered at the breakfast table about grades and girls.
Ken missed them. Those days had been the most ordinary he'd had in years. Even though keeping everything about Mom to himself had been hard, he missed how easily SEES took him in, how nice it was to be around people who understood what having a Persona meant. He wanted to go back, or just talk to them. But he couldn't. When he asked his keepers if he could contact the group, the response was, "It's too close to the night of the full moon. We need to make sure they aren't distracted. If you have questions or comments you want passed to them, consult Abe-san or Maeda-san."
That stung, and the reality began to sink in: He really wasn't part of the group anymore. They were prepping for a fight with another Shadow and he was sitting here waiting for the time to pass, waiting to hear that they'd gotten through it okay. Or waiting to hear that one of them had been hurt. Waiting either way, safe and secure, nowhere near the fight.
He wanted to help them. He wanted to be not useless anymore. He wanted to stop thinking that they'd be hurt without him, to stop being afraid for them when he couldn't do anything to help. They'd be fine, he told himself. They had gotten this far without him, so they could manage this time, right? Of course they could. They had Arisato-senpai and Akihiko-senpai, so they'd be fine.
Just like– No. Not like last time. Last time they lost someone.
Was it better that they got through the battle without him? That would prove they didn't need him. Was there a point to him going back in that case? Fighting was hard for him, so wouldn't he just get in the way? If he was, they'd keep him in the back, or have him around for support and nothing else. They'd pity him rather than need him.
He wanted them to need him. He wanted to be wanted. Maybe if the Shadow ended up stronger than they expected, they'd have a reason to take him back. If the fight was close, or if someone got hurt–
Ken bit into his finger, trying to stop that line of thinking. He wasn't about to wish ill on his teammates just because things were hard for him. They needed all the encouragement they could get. They were fighting for everyone. They were heroes.
"Could you send a message to SEES?" he asked a Kirijo employee. Lessons had been suspended for the day and he was supposed to see Abe-san soon.
The man in the black suit nodded stiffly. "We can, but we'll ask that they not reply until after the operation."
"That's fine. I just want to pass something along."
"Very well. What is it?"
Ken stopped. What could he say? He wanted to talk to Akihiko-senpai. Ken wanted to give the boxer every apology he'd written down, every condolence for Shinjiro-senpai dying. He wanted to ask how Fuuka-san and Yukari-san were doing. He wanted to cheer on Arisato-san, tell him that someone knew he was giving his all to protect the city. There was so much he wanted to say now, and he'd lost the chance to talk to them until after the fight. After that point it might not matter.
He'd try to put his words together for after they won. He had to believe that they would, and they'd accept his sentiments. If they didn't... no, don't think like that; don't you dare jinx them.
"Tell them to fight well and be careful," he told the man. "Tell them I'm cheering for them."
The employee nodded. "I'll make sure it gets there today."
"Thanks. Um, have you heard back from those calls I made before?"
The man shook his head grimly.
Ken flinched. Those calls had been to his relatives, the aunts and uncles on both sides of his family who'd been terrified of his stories about a demon horseman in the wake of his mother's death. They'd cut all ties with him, retreated from him like speaking to him would bring the demon back. He'd reached out, trying to make some sort of contact so he could settle their minds, show them that things weren't all bad. It seemed no one had returned his calls. He should have expected as much, but having it confirmed hurt a lot. "No one?"
"I'm sorry."
"That's okay, it's not your fault." Ken had nothing more to say so he made his way to the operator's office.
"Come in," Abe-san replied when Ken knocked.
Ken entered, only slightly less amazed now by the number of folders and books on every chair, desk and table in the room. The floor was clean but the leaning towers of literature would make a horrible mess if they fell. "You wanted to see me?"
"Yes." There was a happy panting from behind Abe-san's desk. Ken thought it sounded like a dog. Had he brought a pet to work? "Mitsuru-san has arranged for you to have today off. She wants you to go wherever you want, do what you like, and we're to supply you with a suitable allowance if you want to buy anything. We'll arrange to have any purchases picked up if you don't want to carry them back here."
Ken felt like his jaw was about to hit the floor. "I can leave for a while?"
"That's right. Anywhere you want to go, just tell us and we'll get you there. She was concerned that you were feeling closed in, staying here all the time, so she set you up with a day pass."
That brought a lump to his throat. His senpai hadn't visited him yet, and part of him felt they must hate him for what happened. It would have been hard to blame them if they did. But Mitsuru-senpai hadn't forgotten about him. "That's... thank you."
"She's the one who arranged it, but I'll pass on your gratitude. Arisato brought up the matter of giving you a chaperone for the day, someone from SEES who might cheer you up." He lifted his hand onto his desk and a bundle of white bolted across the floor, panting happily.
"Koro!" Ken dropped to catch his canine friend, getting licks in response before the dog rolled onto his back for a belly rub. Arisato-senpai hadn't forgotten about him either, and the lump doubled in size.
"They're both pulling for you," Abe-san commented. "They regret that they haven't been able to visit, but they plan on coming by when the Shadow is dealt with. From what they said, Akihiko-san's planning on coming too. Arisato asked me to pass on a message. He said you should hurry up and deal with whatever problems you're having, then get back in the saddle and come back to the dorm."
Ken nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Not just Arisato, but everyone was waiting for him to get better. They'd win the next fight because they didn't know how to lose, and they'd go back to normal for a while. He wanted to be there with them, and the world felt a bit less crazy now.
"Here's a phone for the day," Abe-san told him, setting a cell on his desk. "You won't run out of minutes, and the numbers for a driver and a Kirijo contact are in there. Call them if you want to go anywhere, if you need help, if anything comes up at all. Do you know where you want to go?"
"I might," Ken replied once he could talk without his voice cracking. "I have some ideas. Maybe I'll go to the park first and let Koro run for a while."
"Not a bad choice. Whatever you decide, be back here for dinner. If you aren't back by then, the phone has a GPS in it and we'll come find you."
"I understand."
Abe-san smiled, and the expression softened the hard lines of his face. "Then get out of here. Enjoy the day and make the most of it."
Ken nodded, pocketed the phone and bowed his thanks to the man before exiting the office with Koro in tow. A change of clothes and a few minutes later he was in the compound's parking lot, getting into a staffed car and heading for Paulownia Mall.
Ken thanked the driver when they arrived and waved him off, thinking of where he wanted to go. Koro was getting all sorts of attention from passing girls, and it gave Ken time to think his decision over. When asked where he wanted to go, one place came to mind. It wasn't somewhere he expected to want to go back to, but it dug in like a sliver under a fingernail.
All the advice Maeda-san and Abe-san had given rose to the surface. "Find something to fight for. Make peace with your past." The best place to start would be at the beginning.
The decision hadn't been one lightly arrived at. Given the chance to spend the day on his own, there were a hundred places he'd rather go. But Ken knew if he wanted to get back to SEES, he needed to make some sort of headway, and spending money at the arcade or waiting for things to get better wasn't getting him anywhere. Arisato-senpai and Akihiko-senpai always led from the front; could Ken really do any less?
He was going back to where everything started. He was going to visit Dad.
The trip took twenty minutes from the mall, and it would have taken less time if Ken's feet hadn't started trembling once he'd decided on his destination. He walked down familiar sidewalks, saw familiar houses, smelled familiar scents. The closer he got to Dad's house, the more both his breathing began to trip up. Twice he stopped at crosswalks, fear holding him still. Each time, and with every step, he wondered if this was a good idea. Each time, he pushed forward. Arisato-senpai wouldn't let fear stop him. Akihiko-senpai didn't feel fear. Junpei-san laughed when he fought. Ken knew if he cowered here then he really didn't deserve to be in SEES. He'd fought Shadows and harnessed a Persona, what was one normal man?
The fear hounded him in spite of his resolve, and he was sweating when he reached the simple house that bore Dad's nameplate. Normal people were all around him, people who had no idea about the Dark Hour. He was here, alone except for Koro, and no one else could face this but him.
Ken shook his head. Fear was understandable, Mitsuru-senpai had said, but letting it stop you wasn't acceptable. A Persona-User wouldn't be stopped by this. A SEES member, doubly so. I'm not a kid anymore. Make the move or go back and become normal. He cleared his trembling throat and rang the doorbell. He heard movement from inside, but no one came to the door. He tried again, pressing for longer.
"Who is it?" Dad asked finally.
Ken couldn't speak. What should he say? What could he say? No one else in his family would talk to him, would this be any different? Koro made the decision for him, barking twice. Movement from inside, and the door opened.
Dad didn't look good. His skin hung on him like loose clothes while sunken eyes looked surprised one instant, then sharp as needles and lemon juice the next. "What do you want?"
"Can I come in? I want to talk to you." Who was speaking? Why was the voice so steady? Ken's fear had tripled, why wasn't it showing?
"I want nothing to do with you," Dad spat. "I told you, stay away from me lest the Devil find me again!"
Ken expected that. He braced himself, pushing forward. "Can I come in so we can talk about this? I want to discuss Mom's death."
Dad's eyes went wild. "Don't speak of her! She had nothing to do with your sins! You are responsible for the Devil killing her!"
"She didn't die because of me," Ken explained. Why couldn't Dad see? Why couldn't he listen? What had changed? "Someone else did it. A normal person, not the Devil."
"Lies!"
"It's the truth. I met him, and–"
Dad flinched. "You consorted with a Spawn of the Devil?! You've come for me again!?"
Ken would never be able to explain why what happened next happened at all. It was like time stopped, like he'd stepped back from his fear and growing confusion. Koro was tensing up while Ken himself was standing straighter, taller. Dad wasn't Dad anymore. Not the man who'd taught him scripture, taught him to read and write, pushed him to do well in school and danced with mom in the living room when they thought their son was asleep. Not the man who'd stuck up for him when he got in trouble at school, encouraged him to take on friends and grow. The man before him wasn't that person, but instead was a person living in the blackest grief, hollowed out by terror of a phantom that would never ride again. This man was rage, blind and dogmatic, unable to hear what was being said. He wasn't listening. He couldn't listen, or he'd be open to tragedy again.
"No. Mom's death had nothing to do with you – it was an accident."
Had this been what Shinjiro-senpai felt like? Speaking to someone who wasn't listening, who'd made his own judgments and refused to see reason? Had this been what Ken had devolved into on that night of the full moon?
"You know NOTHING about what happened to her! Get out!"
How could it have come to that? How could wanting to avenge Mom have led him to the point of wanting to kill himself afterward? To the point of running from reality so hard that not even words and reason could catch up?
How could Shinjiro-senpai have died protecting such a person? How did he fight so hard, suffer such wounds, and still have the strength to push forward when he knew he'd only get hatred and bile in return? "Stay alive, kid."
"I said get out!" Dad screamed.
Everything caught up. Time imploded on Ken, disorienting him. He tried to catch himself, tried to hold onto that instant of insight while recalling the conversation. Had he said anything? What words were used? "Dad–"
A hard hand hit his cheek, sending him to the side. The world tilted as he fell, as he reached out on trained reflex. He caught himself on the shoe cabinet, instinctively finding his balance.
Growling, Koro lunged, snarling and snapping at Dad and biting into a foot when it came around for a kick.
"Koro!" Ken shouted through the heaviness in his cheek. "Koro, stop!"
Koro growled, not letting up. Dad shouted, trying to back away. Ken focused and sprang forward, catching the canine and pulling back, holding against his writhing fury and squirming legs. Koro was pinned against Ken's chest and kept growling and barking, the air trembling around him even without his Evoker collar.
"That's enough," Ken murmured. "Stop it, please."
Grudgingly, Koro silenced and the air stilled.
Dad tripped backward, scrambling for the phone. To call the police, Ken knew. Probably animal control, too, about a vicious, rabid dog. A grown man full of fear, blindly clinging to a wrong interpretation because it was easier than facing reality. Ken knew what would happen next. He knew that an understanding was impossible.
"Goodbye Dad," he whispered before letting Koro onto the ground, turning and running from the house. He ran down the sidewalk, across the street, the world passing in a blur. He didn't stop until he crashed into a man in a suit. Ken ended up on the ground, legs trembling and lungs quivering.
"You all right, kid?" the man asked, surprisingly not angry.
"I'm..." Okay? No. Not okay at all. "Sorry, I wasn't watching where I was going."
The man looked down the street suspiciously. "Are you in trouble? Is someone chasing you?"
"N-no sir. I was running with my dog and got carried away. I'm really sorry about that."
Koro had caught up easily and barked, putting on the act of having just raced down the street with his owner.
The man seemed skeptical, but he didn't push it. "If you're sure. Be careful not to hurt yourself, okay?"
"Yes sir. Thank you." Ken kept his face down until the man left, petting the dog and trying to straighten his thoughts. Then he looked around, trying to get his bearings, and realized where he was. A new idea came to mind, something he hadn't entertained or even considered until now – he was only a few blocks from Mom's grave.
It was another moment of choice, and that strange time thing happened again. He could call the Kirijo Group and go back. After the fight with Dad, he was going to have a hard enough time explaining the bruise on his cheek, never mind if the authorities followed up on him and Koro. It had been a terrible day so far and all he wanted to do was go to his room and forget he'd ever thought of going home. He could visit Mom when he wasn't so stressed, when he had a grasp on everything. It would be safer that way, and he could even bring flowers.
"Mitsuru-san and the others don't deserve to be hurt or killed because you think you can help them."
No. He knew himself, and he wouldn't go later. There were too many reasons not to, too many ways he'd convince himself to avoid the graveyard. There'd be meetings to go to or classes to attend. If SEES took him back, he'd be busy moving back into the dorm and practicing so he wasn't a dead weight. No, if he was going to do it, he needed to do it while he was numb to the pain. If he was serious about getting his Persona back, then he needed to act like it. If he gave up this chance, he'd regret it and the nightmares would only get worse.
Ken swallowed and clenched his hands. He looked toward the cemetery, then at the Mall. Then to the cemetery. Mall. Cemetery. Mall.
No one would make this choice for him. Koro sat at attention, waiting for his decision.
Fear wasn't an option. SEES didn't need cowards. He wanted to help the others, and he knew that if he was serious about that, about not being a burden, then he needed to face this. If that meant fracturing a part of himself, it had to be worth it. He took a shaking step toward Mom, then another, and he jogged the rest of the way so he couldn't let himself stop.
The graveyard was quiet. No one was here on a weekday morning. Ken went up the stairs and down the paths, feeling out of place, out of place and in his street clothes. Koro followed behind, quiet and respectful. Maybe it was crazy to think of a dog as respectful of the dead, but Koro had lived at a shrine. Maybe he was more used to this than anyone thought.
Mom's grave stood there, off in a quiet corner. Serene, warm and welcoming like she had been in life.
"H-hi," Ken began, no idea what he should say. "Sorry I haven't been by to see you, it's been really crazy since–" Since you died. Since everything went to hell. The words lodged solid in his throat. "Well, just since." Silence. More silence. "I tried talking to Dad." After he disowned me. Then he hit me. Ken couldn't say those words – Mom didn't need to hear it.
He tried digging at what was in his heart, and found the words raw. "I found him. The guy who killed you. He wasn't a bad person, he said it was an accident–"
Stay alive, kid.
"I wanted to kill him, but I couldn't. I thought I could use this power to avenge you, but–" But I couldn't. I couldn't, and I wanted to die. To end it. I found friends, life started getting good, and I almost threw it all away because– "I miss you," he whimpered, knees giving out. "It all happened so fast, and Dad's a mess... I'm sorr..."
He couldn't finish. The tears overwhelmed him. He crumpled and sobbed, sorrow overtaking him as memories flooded over. Mom's smile. Mom's cooking. Mom's kisses brushing his cheeks–
Ken opened his eyes. Koro was right there, licking his tears as though saying it was okay to grieve. Ken hugged the dog and wept into his fur, squeezing his friend tight and suffering in the graveyard as everything seemed hopeless. Ken cried until his stomach cramped, until he got dizzy, and it still wasn't enough.
The grief and pain poured out, past the point of thoughts or words, and it felt like all the time in the world wouldn't be enough to make things right. Through it all, the white dog comforted him.
"Yes sir, I'll take care of it," Abe told Takeharu-san, hanging the phone up with a sigh. Amada had been given a day pass, and less than two hours later the police received a report about a rabid white dog and a child vandal attacking Amada's father. It wasn't a surprise that the boy would try to visit his relatives, but Abe had assumed that he'd wait before making a move like that. A careless mistake, it seemed. Now feathers had to be smoothed out and calls had to be made. Abe hadn't told Mitsuru-san about it yet – he wanted to hear what happened from Amada's mouth, and he wasn't going to take a civilian's account over his ward's.
He'd been working for an hour, picking Ikutsuki's lack of records apart, when his phone rang. "Yes?"
"Amada's returned, sir."
Abe straightened in his chair. "Send him to me immediately, please."
"I will. He looks like he's been in a fight, though."
He paused. Amada wasn't known for starting fights or being violent. What had happened? "Is it serious?"
"He's saying it isn't."
That suggested he was hiding something. Protecting the other party? "I see. Is Koromaru with him?"
"He is."
"Send them both in."
The door opened a few minute later, admitting the pair in question. Abe immediately noticed the ugly bruise on Amada's face, then noticed the redness to his cheeks and the bloodshot eyes. Only one bruise was present, however, and he wasn't moving like he'd taken hits to the body. That sounded like an emotional dispute instead of a fight. Koromaru padded in quietly, sitting at attention like he was waiting for them to start speaking.
Amada said nothing as he approached, and something in his stride gave Abe pause. Since coming to the compound, the boy walked like he was looking for predators, skittish as a hare under a hawk's eyes. There was still uncertainty in him, but there was something else now. Something that hadn't been there this morning.
"I'd like to talk to you," Amada began, his voice ragged.
"I have some time. What do you need?"
"I wasn't telling the truth earlier," Amada began after a few shaky breaths. "Not really lies, but it wasn't everything. I've had nightmares since Mom died, and my Persona didn't help things. If anything it made them worse. I wondered why the others could fight the Shadows so well when I was scared out of my mind right from the start. I could fight, but it was never easy. Then Shinjiro-senpai–" Another rattling breath. "He died, and things got way worse. I thought that was what I wanted, but he wasn't who I expected him to be. He'd lost a lot after Mom died. Mitsuru-senpai and Akihiko-senpai, you could tell they cared about him, and he left them behind like he was doing penance. And then he died protecting me after I tried to kill him." A brittle laugh this time. "He protected me, told me to stay alive, and now I can't summon a Persona. I'm useless to SEES. That's a pretty bad joke, huh?"
"Was that why you visited your father?"
He looked toward the wall, eyes not quite focused. "I don't know. I'm still putting it all together. There's a lot I'm trying to figure out, and my head's a mess. I'm not sleeping at night, sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming when I'm awake, sometimes I lose track of what I was doing. It's like I'm going crazy."
Abe got the feeling Amada wasn't looking for a consolation, so he set out to listen for now. "That's common for someone in your situation."
Another long silence. Then Amada looked Abe in the eye. "Do you think I can get better? You and Maeda-san say it's possible, but do you really think I can do it?"
It was clear he wasn't looking for platitudes or half-truths this time, so Abe wouldn't give him such. "You had the force of will to manifest a Persona once. Whether that was because you wanted to help the others or because you hated Aragaki that much, you've hit that point before. If you find the will to do it, I think you can get there again."
Amada nodded, his eyes bleeding raw emotions like ripped stitches. There was something else there though. Something beginning to take shape that hadn't been there in any of the meetings up to now. "I'm a mess," he said bluntly. "I wonder if I should even be part of SEES again. Being around Akihiko-senpai and Arisato-senpai, it's like I'm running in a division way higher than I should ever be part of, so I really don't know if I can get there again." He let out a rattling breath. "But I want to go back to the dorm. I want to help them. I want to fight beside them again, and I know I can't run away from what happened anymore. Between you and Maeda-san, can you help me? Please tell me what I should do to get my Persona back."
As he'd been speaking, that intangible something became quite clear. It brought a smile to Abe's lips when he realized what it was: Grit. Determination. It was nascent, pieces of fractured iron instead of the steel he saw in the others, but it was more than had been there so far. It was a hopeful, truthful, honest-to-god start. Would he get there, with eyes like that? "There are countless things that can go wrong or not work, and we're far more likely to have false starts and make mistakes before we get to the right answer, if there even is one. The most we can do is try, and that means things will be harder than what you've gone through so far. Are you ready to handle what that entails?"
"Yes, I am." It was clear he meant it.
"Then I'll talk to Maeda and we'll get you started today."
Amada nodded, the strong look persisting even as he smiled. "Thank you. This means a lot to me."
It was foolish to get one's hopes up. Years of tests and experiments had taught Abe as much, especially when it came to people. People got bored, quit halfway through, or cracked when things got hard. They were flawed and they could fall to unimaginable lows because they were too weak to handle what life threw at them. And more than anything, people simply failed to get what they were aiming at, But seeing that look, Abe felt like he had when his son had told him, "Dad, I'm going to be first on the swim team this year." Never a doubt in his mind, never flinching from the hard work it took to get there, and putting so much of himself into the sport that it was to no one's surprise when he won the gold.
Foolish and sentimental, maybe. Completely unscientific and driven by fluctuating emotions. But that was why these kids could do what the adults couldn't. Abe grinned and in spite of everything going wrong at the moment, with Ikutsuki and SEES and the next Shadow about to drop, he felt a rush of hope. Maybe there was a chance this would work out. "Any time, Amada. Let's make this work."
"Thank you for finding the time to meet with me," Aigis told him. "I suspect you are busy this close to the full moon."
Ikutsuki-san chuckled. He looked quite tired. "I hope that the late nights will come to an end soon. I'm not as young as I used to be. But it's all right – I'm sorry I couldn't get back to you sooner."
SEES would fight the next Shadow the day after tomorrow, and the dorm was tingling with an anxious energy that even Aigis could pick up on. Some of her comrades had become insular and distant, focusing on their own problems and minimizing their interactions with the others. For example, Junpei-san had started practicing on his own and Fuuka-san was working on her electronic projects in her room. Mitsuru-san and Akihiko-san spoke about combat plans and tried to predict where the Shadow would appear next, but their discussions seemed more habitual than heartfelt. Aigis would have spent her day going through combat scenarios, running software upgrades, cleaning her weapons and recharging in her room if Ikutsuki-san hadn't told her he could deliver on the promised footage of the Shadow that had attacked in April.
"It is all right," she replied, following him to the command room.
The director logged into the computers and brought up the video records, adjusting the volume before he brought up April's logs. "Arisato's Persona and the Shadow were quite loud," he explained. "The fight was a terror even without all the noise."
"It bothered you?"
"Of course. I've become used to the Shadows and how you all fight them, but having one attack the dorm and try to break in shaved a decade off my life. This was also the first of the large ones that we ever encountered."
He was only human. It made sense that he'd be afraid of the Shadows and what they could do. He'd probably seen a great deal during years of experiencing the Dark Hour, but these battles were unlike anything experienced in recent memory.
"Here it is," he noted, showing her how to operate the video controls before stepping back. "Watch as much as you like. If you have any questions, I'll be in my office. More work, you understand."
"Of course. Thank you again."
Ikutsuki-san left quietly. Aigis readjusted the volume to a level where she could pick everything up, tuning her visual and auditory receivers to pick up every detail for recording and analysis, and pressed Play. A flicker of hope ran through her circuits. Hope that she would see a fight without any deeper ramifications. Hope that her fears were wrong.
The video footage began, showing Minato-san and Yukari-san fleeing to the dorm roof at Mitsuru-san's instructions. They looked younger, she noted. Softer, untested, not the skilled Shadow executioners she worked with now. They'd grown considerably since this recording.
The footage cut to the roof where Yukari-san attempted to summon her Persona, but hesitation stopped her. Hesitation due to fear, Aigis's sensors suggested. An odd occurrence given how capable Yukari-san was now – she must have been truly new at this point. The Shadow attacked and sent her to the ground. Fear apparently turned to panic. She froze.
Minato-san picked up the Evoker, and in spite of the Shadow's furious advance he seemed calm. Her sensors didn't suggest any physiological stress in spite of how novel the experience must have been for him. Aigis paused the recording, now curious. Minato-san rarely showed emotional reactions when they fought the Shadows, and her assessments had suggested that his combat abilities were proof of his coping mechanisms and a strong connection with his Persona. This would mean he didn't experience fear and feel pain the way a normal person, or even a normal Persona User, would. But he was exhibiting the same traits before his powers manifested, before he'd gone through the Kirijo Group's training regimen and before Akihiko-san had taken them under his tutelage. Why was a normal person, Potential notwithstanding, so able to cope with what he was seeing? Was this a sign of Death, or was he in shock?
Aigis pressed Play again, tuning all of her senses onto the footage. Minato-san summoned his first Persona, and it was... normal. A being carrying a lyre, likely from Greek mythology. Her assessments suggested that its power was above average, perhaps enough to fight off the Shadow until the others arrived.
Aigis sighed, a foreign trembling running through her circuits that she identified as relief. It was as normal as a Persona could be, and it was one she hadn't seen him use. The matter had been novel, but not exceptional. She'd been worried over noth–
Minato-san clutched his head in pain. The Persona cried out, writhing in mid-air. Bodies doubled over, the Persona contorted, then a fist punched out from inside of it. A mailed fist, opening like the claws of a bird of prey. An arm emerged, then a head and a body. A sword flashed, cutting the host apart as the new figure revealed itself.
This Persona drew back and screamed so loud that it filled the room. Aigis stepped back on reflex. Her eyes were wide as her visual cortices warred with her disbelief and fear, the image stuck on her visual readout even as the footage continued. There was no doubt of what she was seeing.
It wasn't fully formed, its shape incomplete like a high-resolution image flecked with blocky static. But the helmet, the stance, the burning eyes. The voice that tore through the Dark Hour like a war cry. The Persona rushed into the Shadows with unbridled savagery. No grace or finesse, no restraint or style. This was the avatar of Death, an entity that hated life and sought to end it as fiercely and violently as it could:
Thanatos.
The Persona moved faster, swung harder, cut deeper. It ripped the masked Shadow apart one arm at a time before separating its head from its body with a sickening tear. It roared its victory into the night, black blood spattering its armour. It turned toward where Minato-san stood.
Aigis froze. Would the Persona attack its User next? Death was indiscriminate, and it wouldn't have thought twice about killing its host. The camera feed cut to Minato-san.
He was smiling. Grinning. He and the Persona looked the exact same in that moment, eyes alight with horrifying power. She could almost see the currents of the Dark Hour shifting around him, twisting in synchrony with his power. Then Thanatos flickered and the original Greek Persona hovered in its place. Minato-san fell to the ground, seemingly unconscious, and the Persona was gone. The footage ended there.
Aigis fell back into a nearby chair, not hearing the damaged squeal her weight caused. More possibilities than she could immediately count raced through her cogitators. She stared at the ceiling, letting her runtimes process everything.
First, Ikutsuki-san had said that Minato-san hadn't used Thanatos since this one time. That suggested that he'd brought it out as a stress response, something that his companions and his growing skills had mitigated since April. Was he even aware that he'd brought Thanatos out in the first place? What had the reactions of SEES been? Did they know the significance of the Persona, or had they assumed it was a unique circumstance?
She shook her head, knowing the answer. There was no way they could guess at Thanatos's significance – she hadn't told anyone, and only someone who'd been on the bridge ten years ago would know what to look for. In all likelihood, SEES assumed it was a spontaneous mutation or a random event caused by unique circumstances and hadn't investigated since there was no reason to.
Ikutsuki-san said that Minato-san couldn't remember the event. Did he remember anything? Feelings, sensation, urges that he couldn't explain? What about Yukari-san? What had she felt when Thanatos emerged? And had Mitsuru-san and Akihiko-san arrived to see it? The sensible next step would be to ask them and investigate further, but there was no way to do so without arousing suspicion, and everyone was focused on the next Shadow. Upsetting the team dynamic now would risk breaking their concentration, and that could cause needless injuries.
She couldn't conduct an investigation without incriminating herself. Worse, even if she confessed her actions and suspicions to Minato-san and Mitsuru-san, she'd not only disrupt the team's focus, but she'd also be guilty of keeping important secrets to herself. That had been expressly forbidden after Ken-san's departure to the Kirijo Group's training facility. If they prevented her from fighting in the next battle, their chances of success would drop, so the ideal solution would be to wait until after the fight to tell them.
Flickers in her integrated code fired off, coalescing into a familiar audio message that accompanied a heavy sensation of guilt. "Why, Sister?"
But that led her to the biggest problem of all: Could she trust Minato-san? What was Death's state now? Thanatos had emerged, however briefly, nearly seven months ago. Had it been in dormancy up to then? Had it remained there since? What effect had Minato-san's battles had on it?
Aigis leaned forward, horror spreading like a virus. Worse yet, what effect did killing the other Shadows have on Death? Had Minato-san been unwittingly feeding the thing inside him all this time, creating a threat he had no idea was there?
"Why, Sister?"
What could SEES do about this problem? Their task was to destroy the Shadows and stop the spread of Apathy Syndrome, but had they been contributing to the problem all along? It had been Kirijo Takeharu who had told them about the threat the Shadows posed, but was that the correct information? In the event that Minato-san became a threat, could they fight him? Could even they defeat him, in terms of skill or in drive, when he was one of their comrades?
What was Minato-san going through now? Was he feeling Death's influence? Would his will be strong enough to stop Thanatos? He'd been rendered unconscious the first time, was he strong enough to fight it off now? What did successfully suppressing Death look like? Could the Kirijo Group help restrain him? Unlikely. They hadn't been able to stop the Shadows through conventional methods up to now. What would be left of Minato-san if Death took him over? Would it even do so, or would it lie dormant in him forever? If it did, would Aigis be Minato-san's attendant for the rest of his life? Would that mean that Metis had been terminated for nothing?
"Why, Sister?"
Could she take the risk? Was one life worth the uncertainty of her situation, of waiting to see if Death arose when she wasn't around to watch over him? What if it broke out even if she had Minato-san under supervision? Could she risk him becoming so strong that she wouldn't be able to defeat him? Would Death command even greater power through Minato-san's abilities to change Personas?
"Why, Sister?"
Was staying with SEES worth doing nothing? Was she prepared to face censure if it meant saving them? Even if speaking was an option, what if they banished her and stopped her from observing him further? If she had to carry out her duties, could she let friendship keep her from operating at optimum efficiency?
"Why, Sister?"
She knew the answer already: She couldn't. If she had to act, then she would act. If she had to fight Death, she would do so with extreme prejudice. And if that earned her the ire of her comrades, if they never forgave her, then she would bear that as a consequence of doing what she had to. Her concern was that they lived to hate her, not whether they might hate her in the first place. Palladion stirred as she rose from the chair. She reversed the footage, staring at Thanatos, embedding its movements into her memory banks for combat analysis. The cameras hadn't been equipped to analyze a Persona so she had no way of knowing what its reflexes were like or how strong it was. But every little bit helped, and she had her memories to serve as reference.
Had she been wrong to seal Death ten years ago? Had a decade of peace been worth the pain now? Had she accomplished anything of worth if her efforts came to failure now?
"Why, Sister?"
Her eyes hardened. No. She hadn't been wrong back then, and she wasn't wrong now. She hadn't failed back then. She wouldn't fail now. She'd see what the next battle brought and react accordingly, no matter what that meant. She would need to put together plans and contingencies, and that meant getting information. The longer she left it, the less time she would have to prepare. She shut off the recording and left the room to speak to the one person she could without arousing suspicion.
Ikutsuki closed down his laptop and leaned back in his chair, a faint smile on his lips. The game was almost up. He'd heard Mitsuru talking about removing him from his position, suspicions rising about Ken's missing reports, and the need for a dorm director diminishing now that SEES had come this far against the Shadows. His role here was coming to an end in stellar fashion, and it seemed his activities had caught some attention.
The Group had assigned someone to investigate the discrepancies in his work, and the thought brought a chuckle to his throat. Abe Saburo, a holdover from Kouetsu-sama's days. Out of anyone at the Group to pick up on the missing pieces, Abe both would and wouldn't have been on Ikutsuki's list. On one hand, the man was fiercely loyal and frighteningly competent, wasting his insight and skills helping keep the Group afloat, and his knack for putting pieces together and finding the information he sought out was beyond impressive; he was the Group's personal bloodhound. On the other hand, Ikutsuki couldn't help remembering Abe as he used to be: A skittish, nervous wreck of a man walking the tightrope between nicotine-fuelled neuroticism and a complete mental breakdown. He'd been a grey shade of who he was now, and it was remarkable that he'd been able to turn his life around and command enough respect to spearhead the investigation.
If it had been anyone else, the search for the missing data and Ken's reports would take around three to four weeks. With Abe at the helm, the longest it would take would be seven or eight days.
Ikutsuki smirked. Even if he hadn't used Shirato's countermeasures and secured all the important data against any sort of intrusion, one week was still four days more than he needed. Everything was coming to a close, and SEES's fights had gone in directions that far exceeded his expectations. The best plans, after all, were the ones that ran themselves rather than requiring constant supervision and a steadying hand, and Ken's little drama with Shinjiro had been delicious to watch. A suggestion here, a blind eye there, and the players all acted out their roles perfectly. The funeral had been exquisite, and hearing the group pass judgment on the boy, facing the fragility of their understanding of his circumstances, was better than anything Ikutsuki could have orchestrated. Mitsuru not knowing the truth, Akihiko not saying anything, Sakaki pulling it all together, how could it be anything but the perfect production?
That was to say nothing of Minato's rivalry with Aigis. Ikutsuki had no idea where that had come from, but the way the group split on its loyalties, if only for a while, was a source of endless entertainment. And now, even after mending their differences, Aigis was inquiring about Minato's past and the fight back in April. Mitsuru hadn't asked about it, no one else had mentioned any interest in the matter, so the machine was poking around on her own. Her curiosity was unexpected and entirely exploitable.
He looked out the window, anticipating the waxing moon only a few hours away. Soon, very soon, SEES would see the truth of their efforts and all that Kouetsu-sama aspired for would come to pass. Vindicating the man's vision of the future would be the height of perfection, the truth in the face of those fed lies this entire time. Ikutsuki wondered if there were some way to express the full gravity of the situation to SEES before they died. There had to be some way to show them that their efforts had gone against their aims all this time, that they had merely accelerated the situation and brought the end about faster.
That their service to her was greater than if they had fought with that aim in mind all along.
Someone knocked on his door. Ikutsuki cleared his throat and put his facade back on. Only a few more days and he wouldn't need it, but until then, he couldn't tip his hand. "Yes?"
"It's Aigis. I would like to speak to you about something."
