Author's Notes: Hello again everyone! Here's another chapter of CoE, and just under the wire before April no less. I'll get some thanks to my reviewers done, and then we're right into the good stuff. As before, thanks to Firion for his feedback and commentary. I can safely say this fic would be different, and worse, without it. Enjoy! And don't forget to leave a review, of course.
umhir: I know, right? Next thing anyone knows, I'll have a third chapter out in the same year. Maybe even in March. Crazy.
B1ackAshes: Hello again! I'm glad you liked the previous chapter and that this one ups the ante even more (which it will. I'm almost certain). Ken's development was always something I wanted to do more with. I feel like the games shortchanged him with what could be some great themes and ideas. I hadn't expected that route to take me where it has, but it's been a great ride getting here. One facet of that was Abe and Maeda, who were there as support characters and quickly took on a life of their own. If I got their conflicts across well, then I've done my job. As to surpassing the game, I will absolutely take that as praise and strive to always reach that bar, if not raise it. Thanks again, and enjoy the chapter!
Sacred Dust: Thanks for the reviews. I've enjoyed writing Elizabeth in every scene she's in, and bring Mitsuru to life has been one aspect I've worked hardest at. Can't have a good story without a great leading lady, right? As to your other points, I agree that my earlier writing did tend toward the long and wordy, and I've done what I can to trim things up. Thanks again, and enjoy!
EmD23: There is indeed not much left in terms of the game to go through, but still lots to cover for the cast and the story, and that ending, and... well, I'll say that I still have a few ideas up my sleeve, yes? Thanks for the review.
Ramix: Thanks for the review. I'm a firm believer that everyone, major role in the story/in life or minor, has a cross to bear. Everyone suffers and goes through their own brand of hell, and even if the game is focused on the guys fighting Shadows and summoning Personas, there're a lot of normal people who're supporting them that have to have overcome their own trials. And that was exactly what Ken needed to understand, as a lesson that often goes unaddressed or unconsidered. Glad you liked it, and enjoy this one.
Guest (Mar 29): Much obliged! But as I'm so fond of saying, I won't stop until this is THE best P3 fic anyone's ever read.
Chapter 18 - Nachreisen
Ken stood in the doorway of the Iwatodai dorm, and his first thought was how different it felt. Everything looked like it had last time – the TV, the sofas and the table were where they'd been when he'd left; the fridge and cooking area hadn't moved; the décor was the same – but it was like the spirit of the place had changed. It felt empty, even though there were plenty of shoes near the door. From what he'd heard of Mitsuru-senpai and Minato-senpai, Ken knew he wasn't imagining the feeling, and he took a bracing breath. He'd known this wouldn't be easy.
Some of SEES was there, smiling as he walked forward. "Welcome back," Yukari-san greeted warmly, followed by Fuuka-san. "How are you doing?"
"Pretty good," he replied. "It's... things are still a mess, with my Persona and everything, but I'm doing my best."
"That's all any of us can ask for." She gave him a piercing look. "Are you sure you want to come back? I'm not sure what you've been told, but things are a mess right now. It's not going to be like before, and none of us would blame you if you wanted to sit things out until you're comfortable."
Ken was well aware of that. When he'd told Abe-san of his decision, the operator had made it very clear that there wouldn't be any coddling. "If you want to take things easy, stay here," he'd said. "If you go back, you're walking into the fire, and you'll have to look out for yourself. If you get burned, it's on you."
Ken had taken an extra day to think his decision over, but that hadn't changed his mind. The fear was still there. Fear that he wouldn't measure up, that he'd get someone hurt, that his honest-to-God best would fall short and he'd make things worse for everyone. Even now, his heart was fluttering and his fingers wanted to shake so badly he was sure the others could see it.
But he wouldn't stop now that he'd come this far. He remembered Maeda-san's advice, and let the fear sit in his stomach. He let himself feel it, but didn't let it make the decisions for him. "Things won't get better if I keep running away," he told them. "I know about what happened, about Minato-senpai and Aigis. The Kirijo staff told me about Kirijo-san dying. I can't sit around and pretend it's not my problem. I want to be here and help however I can."
Fuuka-san nodded. "Then we'll find a way for you to help. Do you need any help with your things? Your room hasn't been touched since you left."
Ken smiled. That was probably an offhand comment, but it had been enough to quell his fluttering stomach. He still had a place here. SEES had been pulling for him, waiting for him to come back. After everything, they hadn't doubted him. That meant more than he could put into words.
Even if he couldn't say it, he could show it.
"Thank you for the offer, but I can handle it. I want to stretch my legs out anyway. Do you know if Akihiko-senpai is around? There's something I want to ask him."
"You're in luck. He's upstairs." Nails scratched on the nearby floor, and Fuuka-san chuckled. "And someone else has been waiting for you."
Ken looked over, not sure what she meant, but a second later a familiar ball of white fur darted toward them from the kitchen – from Koromaru's food bowl. "Hey Koro," Ken greeted, kneeling to take the dog's impact in his chest. The canine nudged him with his nose and licked him enthusiastically, but also walked around him like he wanted to check him over.
They all chuckled, and Ken's fears dissipated entirely. Even Koro had been waiting for him to come back.
Ken grabbed his things and went to his room. Everything had indeed been left how he'd had it, and it only took a few minutes to refill his dresser with clothes and familiarize himself with the room. Then he went to find Akihiko-senpai.
"Why Shinji fought?" the teen repeated, clearly not expecting the question.
"That's right."
"Why do you ask?"
Ken hesitated. There was no way to convey the experience he'd had when visiting his father. He wasn't sure he could even make sense of it himself, or that he could say how much his perspective had changed as a result. So he went with an easier approach. "Shinjiro-senpai protected me from Sakaki," Ken began. "He tried to talk me down when I threatened him, when I accused him of killing my mom, and even at the end he put me before his own safety. Why did he do that? And how did he get such a strong Persona in the first place?"
Akihiko-senpai looked a bit pale. "He was stubborn. Driven. He was always like that, right from the beginning."
"But why about me? Do you think it was guilt? Was he trying to make up for what happened before? There were other ways he could have made amends."
"Maybe. It's hard to say right now."
Ken understood. With Mitsuru-senpai so busy with the Kirijo Group, Akihiko-senpai must have taken on the work of dorm management, on top of whatever else he could handle. He was a hell of a worker, but even he must be tired. "Sorry, I didn't mean to offload a bunch of questions on you as soon as I got here."
"It's okay. If it helps, then I don't mind."
"Right, but I'm sure you're busy. Could we talk when you've got some time?"
"Definitely."
Ken nodded and left the room. That could have gone better, but there was only so much he could do on his first day back. If he couldn't get answers yet, then he'd keep working at becoming stronger. Whatever he could do here, he didn't want to break his new routine and falter when he got back into the field.
To get the most of his exercise time, he took Koro out and began at a jog, then elevated into a run around the block, going further out at each street. Koro kept up easily, barking what felt like encouragement, and Ken grinned through the exertion. When he finally stopped to rest, dripping sweat and panting, Koro nudged him and indicated that he should follow at a brisk pace that kept Ken's heart rate up. Four blocks later brought them to a familiar shrine. It had been Koro's old home, and where the caretaker had been killed by a Shadow. The grounds were still clean, but didn't have the same gleam of attention given to them: the steps weren't as well swept, the torii not as attended to, and even the great tree wasn't as vibrant.
And it wasn't just the shrine grounds. People were coming and going, more than there had been the times when Ken had come here to be alone, but the air of distress was heavy enough to feel. A young couple with a baby between them talked quietly about how much they should donate, hoping that the gods would intervene and "help him." A haggard salaryman clenched his hands together in prayer, a wedding ring in his fingers and tears on his face. Two children stood by their mother, who looked exhausted with dark rings under red-rimmed eyes, and no one needed an explanation when the children asked her when Daddy would wake up. And a young woman, whom Ken recognized as one of Yukari-san's friends, was flipping through a prayer book with shaking hands.
Ken remembered her talks with Yukari-san, about how a boy she liked but was too shy to talk to had asked her out, and how happy she'd been to accept.
That had only been a few months ago.
Every person bore a tragedy, and put together there was more pain than the grounds could contain. Ken's fists clenched as he watched them, angry that so many people were hurting. These people didn't know about Shadows and the Dark Hour, or about why their loved ones were Lost. All they had were questions without answers, and the best they could do was endure until the Lost found their way back. When would that be? Would it ever happen?
Ken hated that he couldn't help them. Never mind that SEES was doing its best and things had gotten worse, but Ken was furious at himself for not being strong enough, right now, to help. That he hadn't even thought of helping when he could.
Koromaru nipped his calf, giving a reproachful look. Before Ken could apologize for letting his thoughts turn dark, Koromaru trotted into the shrine grounds. He went to the children by their mother and licked their hands and faces, prancing around as they laughed and giggled. He wriggled happily as they pet his ears and stroked his fur, and the mother's face eased into a tired, but happy, smile. Then Koromaru walked to the salaryman and looked up until the man broke down and hugged the dog, crying into his fur. Koro waited patiently until the man finished, and when he stood up he nodded to himself as though he'd gotten an answer he'd been looking for.
Koromaru went to each person, even those who'd newly arrived. Sometimes he played and darted about, other times he let people hug him, and other times still he just wagged his tail and listened. No one was immune to his efforts, and soon the air of the shrine changed as people marvelled at the dog, murmurs spreading amidst laughter and chatter.
Ken watched from the shrine entrance, knowing he was seeing something important. The problems these people had weren't solved by playing with Koromaru, no matter how much he might want. They would return to their lives and their loved ones would still be Lost, their burdens awaiting them, and they would be without answers until something changed.
But just because Koro couldn't fix the root cause, that didn't mean he couldn't help ease the weight. He gave these people an outlet to their frustrations and pain. He endured beside them and gave them a change in perspective. And each one left a bit stronger, perhaps a bit happier. Each person would persist a little longer – maybe long enough to see their loved ones to recover.
That had been Koro's point, Ken knew. At the worst moments in life, when everything you loved dropped out from under you and left you raw, you had to keep going, even just a bit longer. Hope persisted when everything around these people was telling them to quit, and Koromaru was reminding them to keep hanging onto that hope.
A breeze whispered across Ken's soul, a flicker of light on the periphery. He dug deeper on that point and wondered if this had been the dog's focus from the very beginning.
Koromaru had been discovered when a Shadow attacked this shrine and killed the caretaker. Koromaru's will had been so strong he'd manifested a Persona, Cerberus, to fight back. But Ken had learned Greek mythology from Mom and in school, and Cerberus was a servant of the gods, not a rabid demon – it defended the gates to the underworld, but it wasn't cruel or predatory. Furthermore, Hades wasn't the same as the Christian Hell. The ancient Greeks saw the underworld as a place of peace and rest, where the dead found solace from their lives of toil, and it was only specific figures who angered the gods who suffered in the afterlife.
Was that why Koro fought? Not out of vengeance for his deceased master or out of survival instinct against a Shadow, but because he was defending this place? He knew people came here for guidance, for advice that might show them what they needed to do to move forward. If the Shadow had survived, would it have preyed upon those who came here? How bad would things be now if those who were seeking guidance from the gods were instead opening themselves up to a Shadow?
Koromaru had stopped that. And more than just stop it, he'd come back to ensure that people were doing okay even at their worst. Same as how Maeda-san and the Kirijo Group extended their hands to the Lost and their families, to try and stem the pain until the reprieve came.
As the dog played with another young couple, the pieces clicked into place. In times of pain and uncertainty, people needed something to believe in. The shrine was a place they could do that. Not only could they convene with whichever gods they prayed to, but they could leave happier than when they came. Charity and kindnesses freely given would give people the strength to keep going. Those kindnesses would spread beyond those who Koromaru saw right now, and in that way the darkness around them was a little bit lighter.
Mom was the same way, always kind and caring to everyone around her. More than just listening to people's problems, she would keep in touch with them and try to help them until things got better. Ken hadn't thought anything of it at the time, but she'd made so many friends that she was always going to someone's house to help out, or receiving cards and well wishes as thanks, or being invited to birthdays and weddings. She'd talked about the importance of charity and temperance in equal measure, but that had never stopped her from wanting to help whoever she could.
Ken smiled at the memory, seeing her again for an instant, feeling her hands on his face and hearing her happy laughter.
At this place of the gods, while Koro frolicked and defied the darkness around them, Ken let go of his anger. His mind calmed, he remembered Mom, and he felt more himself, than he had... in way too long.
Along the surface of his soul, something rippled again.
Amada closed the door behind him, and Akihiko let out a breath. His hands were trembling, and he swore at his own weakness, now of all times. Amada's questions weren't unexpected, and from what Akihiko had heard of the kid's progress from Abe-san, the line of inquiry made sense. But Akihiko hadn't expected the questions to hit him like this. Thoughts of the orphanage crept into his mind, and he ruthlessly pushed them down.
He couldn't afford to get lost down memory lane; he had a job to do.
It was hard to keep his head straight though. Nothing was going right. Tossing Ikutsuki's office had yielded nothing, and Yamagishi reinforced how unlikely it was that they were getting into Ikutsuki's computer. The techs at the Kirijo compound were still reeling from Kirijo-san's death, their hands full with the house of cards tumbling around them alongside Aigis's complicated reconstruction. Takeba had talked to him about Arisato two days ago, saying, "He's not looking good. Junpei kicked the bee hive a little and got something out of him, but it seems like he's trying to shut us out."
Akihiko had wanted to throttle Arisato when he heard that, but with the dorm's smaller problems piling up around them, Akihiko had gotten sandbagged. He'd worked through the night to get everything up to par, and now Amada's simple questions had put him on his back foot.
He'd shadowboxed, gone for runs, kept to his routine that was supposed to clear his mind, but instead he felt like he was running full-tilt and not getting anywhere.
"Screw this," he muttered, getting up and leaving his room. Even if exercise hadn't helped him get some answers yet, he wasn't going to give up. He pulled his gloves on and headed for the stairs, but stopped when he heard some familiar footsteps coming up toward him. He waited, biting back his temper as best he could when Arisato saw him and flinched.
"Still alive?" Akihiko asked when he saw the food in his kouhai's hands, unable to keep the venom from his voice.
"For now," Arisato muttered back. He trudged up the stairs to the landing, unable to meet Akihiko's eyes.
"Are you going to try for anything more than that? Or are you cashing your chips in?"
"I'm not sure what good trying for more would do at this point."
Akihiko had to restrain from shouting. Junpei had talked to him about his meeting with Arisato, how the discussion had left the reckless teen fuming. Akihiko understood the sentiment now. Where was the kid who thought on his feet and took it all with a smirk? How could anything be bad enough to send one of their best into the pits like this? What had happened when that Persona came out?
Akihiko wanted to lay into Arisato, but more familiar footsteps came from behind him, from the girls' floor. He turned to see Mitsuru descending the staircase, and she stopped when she saw them. Akihiko's growing anger dropped out of him in an instant when he took in her appearance. Her clothes, usually pressed and crisp, were wrinkled and creased. Her posture was uncertain, her feet seeming like they didn't know where to be. Or perhaps where they were allowed to be. And her hair, perhaps her greatest pride of all, was frizzy and unkempt, lacking the glow of health and surety. Worst of all her were eyes, red-rimmed and glassy and... timid.
Akihiko had known her since grade school. He'd been there when her mother died, when her father buried himself in work. He'd been at her side since all this shit started in April and made their already-complicated lives even crazier. He'd never seen her this bad.
"Am I interrupting something?" she asked.
Akihiko wanted to shake the sound of her voice out of his head. None of her confidence was there, none of her strength or certainty. Soft and unsteady, like she was asking permission to speak. It was... wrong. "We're fine," he replied without thinking.
Arisato shuffled back toward his room, having made it around the corner and able to escape. He kept his eyes away from them and looked like he was about to run away.
Akihiko wanted to tear into him, but Mitsuru cut him off. "Make sure you're eating well," she murmured, her voice cracking like edges of glass rubbing together. "I know this is hard. Look after yourself."
Arisato didn't say a word. If anything, she'd given him permission to leave, and he slinked down the hall to his room without speaking.
Akihiko's fury tripled. His fists were clenched so hard that his wrists hurt. Someone could argue that Arisato needed time to recover, but that's not what Akihiko just saw: What he saw was a coward running from something he couldn't stand to face.
"Don't be hard on him," Mitsuru told him, apparently knowing where his mind went. "What he's gone through, it's probably the worst thing that could happen to him."
"Everyone's had a rough go of it," Akihiko grated. "We didn't get a pass when things went to hell. He doesn't either."
"Maybe, but I think this is different. It has to be handled differently, without us pushing him."
"Wait until he decides he wants to come back? Do we have that kind of time?"
"He's dealing with that Persona. Thanatos. It's different from what he's used to, and it might be affecting him in ways we can't detect. We can't discount its effects on him, or what it might do if he's pushed too hard. You might not like it, but this is better that we let him handle it on his own. A mistake might result in him accidentally destroying the dorm, or us completely losing any chance we have of fighting."
Akihiko wasn't going to dispute the effects Thanatos was having. It sounded like Mitsuru had detected something through Penthesilea, and with a Persona that strong, it made sense if Arisato was struggling to keep it in check. Especially if he was stuck in the past and his will was being undermined, like what happened to Amada after Shinji died.
But if they knew this much, then they had to do something about it. "You'd be the best person to talk to him then," Akihiko pointed out.
She looked away, seeming smaller than ever. "I... I know."
Akihiko didn't know what to do, and the impact of that fact hit him like a haymaker. He'd wondered how she was coping, and now he had his answer: she wasn't. She was drowning in grief, she was distancing herself from them out of some sense of necessity, and her ragged, bloody wounds continued to bleed. She'd lost her father, her boyfriend was a mess, and she was losing herself with each passing day. Akihiko was staring at the reality that he was losing his best friend and there was nothing he could do about it. "Get some rest," he advised woodenly. "I won't go hard on him."
"I appreciate it." She turned and went back to her room, leaving him standing in the hall trying to process everything. It only took him a few minutes to do so, and his conclusion was starkly grim. Everything was falling apart around him. He wanted to believe that he could exert some control over this situation, that if he fought hard enough that things would tilt back to normal, but if he told Mitsuru to get back in the saddle and fight, it wouldn't get anywhere. He couldn't point SEES in any direction when he didn't know where the next threat was coming from. And with those closest to him breaking down, no matter how hard he tried, all he could do was watch. This felt dangerously similar to when Shinji had shut him out.
He didn't know how long he stood there, trying to deny what he dreaded was happening. He only snapped out of his thoughts when Junpei returned from the store. Not wanting to deal with anyone, Akihiko retreated to his room.
He hated himself for running like Arisato had.
Akihiko did his best to put everything into perspective and work through the problems before him. He couldn't keep his anger down, but this time he didn't try. It seemed everyone had been keeping their secrets lately, and bottling everything up only made things worse. He was furious at how things had turned out, and he wasn't going to pretend otherwise. With this resolution, a plan formed. Something simple, something he could put into action on his own. Something that would get these feelings out. His knuckles itched when he worked out the last details. He knew what the risks of the plan were, and he said a silent apology to Mitsuru; he wasn't going to be able to honour her wishes this time.
His one precaution was a text message to everyone except Arisato: "If you hear anything at midnight or during the Dark Hour, ignore it."
Simple and misleading, anyone would assume Akihiko was going to go on a rampage against the Shadows. Of anyone in the dorm, he was the most able to fight on his own right now, and they trusted him not to do anything stupid.
Except that anyone who made that assumption would be wrong this time.
He did his homework and listened to lectures to kill time. He exercised and shadowboxed to keep his anger stoked. The dorm moved around him in the same mournful pace it had for days, and he cut himself off from everyone else.
Finally, dark came. The others went to their rooms, and the Dark Hour approached.
That's when Akihiko got up, knuckles wrapped, armour in place, and mind set. He left his room, went to Arisato's room at the end of the hall, and braced himself.
Last chance to walk away. Last chance to find an alternative, to do something else, to not punch a sleeping bear.
To hell with that.
Akihiko didn't bother trying the door knob. He levelled a kick in the centre of Arisato's door so hard that the frame shook and the walls trembled. Two more blows broke the solid wood inward and in Akihiko strode. Arisato looked up, alarmed, and seemed to have been moping so much he hadn't changed out of his street clothes.
The anger twisted even more.
"Get up," Akihiko commanded. "We're going to Tartarus."
Arisato sat back down, looking away. "Give my apologies to the others, but I'm not going. I'm not safe to be around."
Akihiko let the fury bleed into his voice. "You misunderstand. I'm not talking about a normal raid, and the others aren't involved. You and me are going. Right now."
"That's not wise. If I lose control of Thanatos, I could–"
"Get. Up." Akihiko took two steps closer, his every fibre radiating a challenge that Arisato seemed to be picking up on. "We're going. Right now. You can walk there, or I can drag you, but your vacation's over."
Arisato stared at him, caught between being angry about the dismissal of his problems and understanding just how serious a threat this was. His sensibilities won out and he got dressed, grabbed his Evoker, and joined Akihiko in the hallway. "Was breaking my door necessary?"
"It got your attention. Let's go."
The walk to Tartarus was uncomfortable. The Dark Hour rolled over them, and Akihiko watched the corners and streets for Shadows. In some way he wanted them to attack, to let him vent, but he also wanted to keep his edge. Arisato's hands clenched and unclenched, and every now and again he shook his head like he was hearing something Akihiko couldn't. Was that Thanatos whispering in his ear, trying to get out? If so, then Mitsuru's senses were dead on, and the Persona's influence was getting stronger.
Akihiko hadn't forgotten how Thanatos had fought Aigis, what it had done to her and the destruction it had wrought. That thing getting loose looked like a serious risk now, and it would take all of them to rein it in if that happened. And that was assuming that all it did was get loose. If it broke Arisato's will down, the havoc it could wreak was unimaginable, and even if SEES could stop it, Arisato would probably be dead. Without that ace against the Shadows, they would really be screwed.
Problems this big and no one was addressing them.
It was time for everyone to get real and stop running.
The two reached the bottom floor in silence, the unearthly glow inside Tartarus almost tranquil. Arisato looked pale, clenching and unclenching his hands. His face was dotted with sweat. "What are we doing here?"
"That new Persona of yours," Akihiko began. "How strong is it? Is it becoming hard to handle?"
He flinched. "That's... one way to put it."
"Don't mince words. Tell me straight: Are you at risk? Is that thing getting stronger? What do you need to get back on your feet? How can we help?"
Arisato looked like he wanted to nod. Instead, he shivered. "This isn't a good time, Senpai."
Akihiko snorted. "Too bad. You didn't give Aigis any sympathy before you ripped into her when you found her in your room, and you were on Amada's back the second he stepped through the door after Shinji died. You don't get to pull rank when it's convenient for you, and then push for pity when it isn't." He stepped forward, eyes hard. "You saw Mitsuru earlier. She's a mess. We're fighting blind without you. What happened to you when Kirijo-san died, when you fought Aigis, it sucks that it hit you this hard. I get that you've had a rough time. But you have to step up and get back in the game, even if it's just to get help. We're the only ones who can fight the Shadows, and we need you to make sense of what's going on. We don't have the luxury of sitting this out."
Arisato shook his head. "I told you, I'm dangerous to be around. Find someone else."
"There isn't anyone else, unless you expect us to ask Strega for an assist."
"Of course not." Even Arisato's indignation sounded weak.
"Then we're it."
Arisato shook his head and backed away. Tartarus rumbled around him. The light of the room began to dim, flickering like a dying light bulb.
Akihiko knew he'd pushed things as far as he could. He gave the command, springing his plan: "Let it out."
Arisato blinked, clearly not believing what he'd just heard. "I... what?"
"Thanatos. Let it out," Akihiko repeated, slower this time. "It won't go away if you're afraid of it, and you look like it's getting stronger. It needs to be stopped, especially if it's tearing you up."
"You want to fight it? Senpai, that's crazy."
"It's just a Persona. A strong one maybe, but it can be beaten like anything else."
Arisato clenched his head, and a low growl echoed around Tartarus. The sense of something else, angry and powerful, rose. "You're not Aigis, Senpai," he grated out. "If you get hit, you're dead. If you want to fight Thanatos, get the others to back you up."
"It's just us here. Let it out."
"It'll kill you. And the others will kill me when they find out."
Akihiko didn't keep the scorn out of his voice. "Why do you care about them? You're already running from them. If I die, it's just be one more reason for you to hide under your bed. One more thing you can mope about. And it's not like you'll ruin anything with Mitsuru; you're already killing her with this pity act of yours. Let Thanatos out. If this is your last fight as one of us, then make it count. Have the spine to put a few more nails in your coffin and settle the matter for good."
Darkness spread and began to solidify. Arisato had turned pale. He was shaking. "You... you–"
Akihiko took another step forward. His Evoker was in hand, thunder rumbling around him. "Show me what you can do, Arisato," he commanded. "Show me that trusting you with SEES, with Mitsuru, wasn't a huge mistake."
Darkness flashed around Arisato, and the entire room dimmed. "I can't stop it," he choked out as his shadow turned black as the void. Chains clinked and space warped as Thanatos formed, coffins floating, armour polished, sword sharp. Its glare was like a weight on the chest, and its growl rattled between the ribs.
Akihiko grinned back fiercely. The fear the Persona evoked was a natural, biological reaction; all living things feared death. He couldn't chose to not be afraid, not when every cell in his body was screaming at the prospect of immediate destruction. But he'd been afraid before. Back when he'd first awakened Polydeuces, when he'd first fought the Shadows, fear had become a constant companion. He'd lived with it on the streets, overcome it every day and night since the fire, and it wasn't going to stop him now.
He set his Evoker and pulled the trigger. White radiance pushed back the darkness, and his Persona formed. It was a challenge, as real as his trash-talk before.
Thanatos accepted the thrown gauntlet by hurling a coffin at them. Polydeuces tumbled out of the way, but the chains whipped out and caught its leg, picking it up and sending it into the wall. Akihiko focused and threw lightning at the spectre, but the bolts broke on upraised coffins. Chains snapped at him, sending him running and zigzagging to avoid the attacks. Polydeuces vanished from where it was and manifested at his side, shrugging off the chains and empowering its master.
Akihiko lined up another blast of lightning, this time forking it to hit from different angles. The blast broke the upraised coffin in half, scoring Thanatos's armour.
The victory was short lived. Using the same trick as it did against Aigis, Thanatos fired its sword at them faster than the eye could track. The blade punched into Polydeuces' leg to the crossguard, pinning the Persona to the ground. Then the two halves of the destroyed coffin flew forward, colliding with Polydeuces so hard the force knocked Akihiko from his feet.
Polydeuces broke down into crackling lightning and bright wisps.
Akihiko doubled over, the backlash of Polydeuces's defeat tearing into his mind. He tried to keep moving, but Thanatos played a completely new card. Its sable surcoat sank into its own shadow and flashed up around Akihiko, wrapping him in cold, skin-crawling fabric. Akihiko immediately tried fighting free, but his feet were entangled and the material crawled up his waist, stomach, torso. His arms were bound to his chest, his Evoker under his chin as the darkness closed in on him.
He called to Polydeuces, struggled with all his might for one more shot. Power and lightning tingled through his body, casting his vision white, but the darkness overpowered him
The last thing he saw was Arisato clenching his head, looking on in abject horror. Then Thanatos closed its mailed fist, and the surcoat tightened.
Everything went black.
Minato sank to his knees, stricken mute. He watched the bound form that had been Senpai struggle less and less. Then it stopped moving entirely.
He could feel Thanatos above him. The Persona had been taking up more and more of his mind since the fight with Aigis, no longer under his control as his pain had broken his will. It wasn't a servant like the others, willing to wait to be summoned. It had a purpose of its own, towering pride that had been stung by Akihiko-senpai's brash challenge. It would not suffer insolence, especially not from someone living, and it would not be stopped by a mere human vessel.
Minato couldn't pull back on the Persona. He wasn't strong enough, especially not here in Tartarus where Thanatos was even stronger. It was too late to stop the fight, to change what he'd let happen.
Just like how he'd let Kirijo-san die, let Ikutsuki escape and beaten Aigis down, he'd killed Akihiko-senpai. He couldn't go back to the others now. He wasn't physically able to anymore. The pressure of Thanatos's presence drove him to the floor and would keep him there. He'd be a puppet of this monstrosity.
Was that any different from being a Shadow? He'd truly belong here, in Tartarus. Thanatos would be free of his control. It would carry out its mission unimpeded, and Minato could feel it pulling him upward, toward the top of the tower.
There was no pain. No grief at the idea of not seeing the others. No remorse about never giving Mitsuru-senpai that much-needed apology. Not even the desire to stop Thanatos, or struggle to live.
There was nothing.
This really... was the end.
Darkness and quiet. Akihiko expected death to be something else, something more painful. Maybe somewhere with fire and brimstone, or a blasted wasteland. But this was... nothing. Not pleasant or unpleasant, not hot or cold. He could stand, but he couldn't move around, and opening his eyes was the same as leaving them closed. He could feel the world around him, like he was in water and the current brushed him in passing. Was he moving with it? Was he stationary? What was holding him in place?
"Where am I?" he asked. The echo of his voice circled him, the emphases and tenses changing each time. After a moment, the words grew louder.
"Where are you?"
Akihiko's eyes narrowed. The presence behind that voice was familiar, but the voice itself was foreign. Polydeuces had never spoken to him before, only giving inclinations and nudges. It communicated on a level deeper than words, like Penthesilea apparently did with Mitsuru. He knew Polydeuces wasn't asking where he was physically located – not that he had an answer – but rather where his mind was right now. "Did Thanatos kill me?"
"It has not. Not yet."
"I need to beat that thing. How can I get out of here?"
"Why do you want to? You failed already." The words were thick with derision. "You will again if you fight it as you are."
"I can't afford to fail. Too much is riding on this."
"Higher stakes do not entitle one to victory. A dog does not readily bring down a bear, no matter how much it might want to."
"It's a Persona," Akihiko insisted. "It must have a weakness."
"Perhaps so, but why would you think you are the one to exploit such a weakness? Even if you found it, would you be able to win?"
"Why are you asking that? You should know."
"I do know, and that is why I say your efforts are in vain. As you are, you cannot defeat it."
"So I should just run away?"
"That would not be unfamiliar to you, would it? You have grown quite apt at running."
Before Akihiko could argue, the darkness hardened into concrete under his feet. Light spread around him like he was on a stage. A body thudded at his feet, wearing a patchwork dress he recognized immediately. Miki. The knife in his heart twisted. He could smell the smoke again, the charred wood of the orphanage, the sickening scent of burnt flesh. Blue and red lights flashed around him, disembodied commands from the emergency crews, but he stood apart from it, the same now as he had then. No one could bring back the dead.
The lights dimmed. A gunshot echoed, and another body fell nearby. This one wore a beanie and a pea coat, both soaked in blood. Shinji. Mocking laughter – Sakaki – echoed around him, encircling him like chains. Akihiko wanted to look away, but his eyes wouldn't. "Stop it," he demanded, voice shaking. His legs wouldn't move; he couldn't get away.
"What do you fight for?"
"To kill Shadows," he replied on reflex. "To protect people."
"You lie, even to yourself."
"It's not a lie!"
"Yes, it is. I know your desire best; I was born of it. You wanted not to protect others, but to protect yourself from your failures."
Another gunshot, another body. Kirijo-san this time. Ikutsuki's laughter sounded in the dark.
Four more bodies collapsed near Miki. His friends from the orphanage. Kimura, Minami, Nakano, Ueno. Lovers of animals, gentle, kind. They'd helped him and Shinji look after each other and the really young kids. They'd helped cook and steal and get by with what little they'd had, and they had been part of his family.
They'd died slowly, trapped in the back room when the fire started. They'd tried clawing their way through the door, fingernails torn off as the heat grew and they had nowhere to go. It took a long time for them to die from the heat and fire – they hadn't died from smoke inhalation like the others. Their screams still kept Akihiko awake at night.
"You did not desire power to protect those around you. You wanted to avenge the dead."
"I could do it if I was strong," Akihiko protested numbly, realising only now how hollow those words were.
"Then you are as strong as you need to be. You cannot prevent deaths from happening if you are always looking to the past, for what is gained by looking back without attending to the future? If you seek to avenge the dead, then why be strong enough to prevent them from dying? You do not look to the present or think of the future so you might save those around you, therefore you are strong enough as you are – you will watch as others die beyond your reach."
The words hit him to the core. His every failure flashed before his eyes, from being knocked out by Aigis and watching Arisato fight on his own, to the Shadow that had gotten the best of him in April. Every argument with Shinji that had failed to make a difference, each time consoling himself with more training. Every time he'd looked at Amada and Ikutsuki and known something was off, but didn't act because he couldn't be certain he could solve the problem.
The bodies disappeared, but new visions appeared. Akihiko's horror grew:
He saw Mitsuru, left alone and hollowed out by her pain, unable to find the will to keep going. She couldn't bring up the strength to summon her Persona or fight anymore, and she began to transmogrify during the Dark Hour. Her mental state deteriorated – medication only making things worse – until she picked up a letter opener and sliced her arm from elbow to wrist, bathing herself in red.
He saw Junpei and Amada fighting against Strega, trying to rally around him and pull things together, only to be killed. Amada faltered, and Sakaki gleefully blew him away with lightning. Junpei stood his ground, but wasn't strong enough to fight off Moros, and was crushed under the Persona's boots.
He saw Arisato, fighting alone against something he'd never asked for and running out of willpower. Thanatos would use him as a vessel to fight and kill everything that lived, becoming unstoppable as Arisato, locked inside his own mind, was forced to watch until it drove him insane.
Every fight, a failure in disguise. Every victory, a half measure.
"One so self-centred cannot defeat an enemy like that. At best, one can fight and lose until one is brought low for good. These are the limits of Sanada Akihiko. This is where he belongs, and this is where he will stay."
Akihiko clenched his fists, willing the pain to stop. There were two sides to everything, and while Polydeuces was right, it wasn't completely right. Akihiko had fought every battle on his own, and while Mitsuru had gotten angry at him for his independence, she'd also taught him how to grow. Had he really gotten this far by not learning? Or had he learned and he just wasn't applying it?
"What do you fight for?" The question had a tone of finality to it, the conclusion to his warped desires and blind drive.
Akihiko set his feet in place and squared his shoulders. "To help those around me."
A long pause. Then, "You have spent years as you are now, only to fail. Do you believe that you can change enough to succeed now? That your empty words are enough?"
Akihiko focused on his experiences since April, and the visions shifted to reflect what he recalled. Talking to Amada and Arisato, sparring with Junpei, and throwing the ball for Koromaru. Looking out for Takeba and the other kouhai in school, smiling as their antics brought a warmth and colour to his life he hadn't had before. Watching from the sidelines as Mitsuru gently shed her armour and let down her walls, allowing Arisato into her life and growing beyond what even she'd believed she could be.
Saying his farewells to Shinji, who had carried a burden for years and suffered for one mistake, yet stood and fought in the face of death itself. Who had known his life was going to end, yet bravely decided on what terms it would end. Who saved Amada and had given him hope and the chance of redemption.
"It didn't matter who was around me before," Akihiko admitted. "I just wanted to be stronger so I wouldn't be a victim. But cutting people out wasn't the way to get stronger, back then or now." He brought his thoughts up and let them hit him:
Amada's questions about Shinji had hurt, but they'd also showed how far the kid had come in only a few weeks. Maybe he'd grown enough to rejoin SEES, to manifest a Persona and make peace with his past – especially if Akihiko stepped up and helped.
Akihiko had friends at school who were breaking apart because their families and loved ones were being hit by the Shadows, becoming the Lost. Akihiko couldn't change that on his own, but he could remember the friends whose families had come back after the Shadows were defeated. The tears of happiness, the reconciliations, how their bonds emerged stronger, those were all real things. Those who were suffering now, he could help them too – all he had to do was keep fighting and bring down the next Shadow.
Arisato was cracking under the weight of Thanatos and a destiny greater than anything anyone had seen before. It was too big a burden to shoulder for any one person. But that was why such a burden shouldn't be shouldered alone. SEES had become what it was through its successes and its failures together, and every day was a new chance to answer the questions they had.
The past was set in stone, but the future was pure potential. All one had to do was reach forward in the present and take it. "My words aren't empty," Akihiko declared, power tingling in his veins. "I won't run or give up this time. Just because I didn't get it before doesn't mean I don't now."
The darkness rang with silence. Then it grew brighter, rumbling with thunder all around him. "Where are you?" the Persona asked, its voice strong.
"I'm in the here and now. Where I need to be to see this thing through. With Mitsuru, with Arisato, with everyone. No matter what it takes, I'll protect them." He focused on those words, feeling lighter and stronger than he had in months.
Polydeuces appeared before him, glowing so bright its form became indistinct. "With what power?"
"My own, and I'll keep at it until that's enough." The power grew, ringing in his ears.
"Then make your vow."
Akihiko drew himself up. The words came to mind as easily as breathing. Words he'd chosen years ago, scribed onto his very soul as his mantra.
Words that had become his second chance.
Minato stirred from his despair when he felt the pressure against his face. Not the pull of Thanatos, but something else. Something different, coming from where Senpai's body still stood. He looked up, his heart tearing at the sight, and the feeling got stronger. Wind and air pressure, and the smell of ozone like after a thunderstorm.
Thanatos responded to it, glaring and growling. Its chains rattled together, but it was drowned out by the rising sense of power. The air crackled and hissed as the encloaked form glowed and split.
"Give me a place to stand–" a voice intoned, rich with power and echoing throughout the room.
Minato couldn't believe his ears. This... was a Persona. It felt like Polydeuces, but it was different and so much stronger that he had to be wrong. But faith in his friend and the faintest flicker of hope pulled a name from his mouth in a ragged whisper: "Akihiko-senpai?"
"–and I will move the earth." A gunshot went off. The cloak shredded and blew outward with gale force, pushing Minato and Thanatos back. Thunder exploded throughout the room as a blazing figure formed in the air. Thanatos's aura of fear broke in the face of this being, and Tartarus itself shuddered and rang like a row of struck bells.
Akihiko-senpai walked forward, power blazing around him and burning away the shadows. "Caesar," he named the Persona that hovered above him. Silver armour, an incandescent sword in one hand and a globe in the other, Persona and master stood unbowed before Thanatos.
Minato couldn't believe what he was seeing, but he instinctively knew what this was: Ascension. A rebirth of one's psyche. It wasn't like his own Personas, which were mixed and matched to his will, but a revelation at one's very core to change how they perceived the world, and their Persona adjusting to this new truth.
In the space of a few minutes, Akihiko-senpai had broken free from Thanatos's trap and come back better than ever. He looked stronger, clearer of purpose, everything down to his footsteps radiating power. "We're not finished yet," he said as Caesar crackled.
Thanatos roared at Senpai's defiance, chains whipping forward to entangle Caesar. Caesar's globe blazed bright and lightning tore through the chains, following them back and searing Thanatos's armour. Thanatos shook itself and hurled coffins again, but they were blown aside or cut in half before connecting. Any shadows that tried to darken and approach were pushed back by Caesar's glowing armour. Senpai stared at Thanatos, firmly on equal footing with the towering entity. Senpai walked forward steadily, Caesar floating next to him. Thanatos's fury doubled, its sword ready, but Senpai ignored it.
"Two in harmony surpasses one in perfection," Senpai began, his voice cutting through the noise Thanatos was causing. "That's been the Kirijo Group's motto for years. Mitsuru would say it to me and Shinji whenever we tried to do our own thing. It used to drive him crazy."
Minato shivered. Thanatos's presence in his mind had been diminished, but what little control he's regained was frail as a thread under scissors.
"I always thought she threw it around to make us work together," Senpai continued. "But I think I get it now. No one, with a Persona or not, is so strong that they can't get better with someone's help, and no one is so without flaws that they don't need other people. Thanatos is powerful, but it doesn't work with others, does it? Even I can feel that."
Thanatos re-manifested its coffins and stomped forward.
"It hates the idea of being flawed, because that makes it real, and real things can be beaten. Tell me what its weaknesses are."
The Persona screamed in Minato's mind, trying to crush any attempt to say, to think, what those weaknesses might be. Its pressure grew to levels of crush depth, but Caesar's armour glowed and pushed back. Minato gasped with the breathing room and spoke. "It... it can't conceive of... help. Not giving or receiving from any other Persona... or any other thing. It's strong, but... alone. Find its weaknesses and it fails, because... it kills everyone else around it. Foe or ally."
Thanatos stepped back, its threats diminishing and its presence weakening. Senpai kept walking closer. Thanatos roared and leapt forward, prepared to kill.
"No," Minato grated out, pulling back. Dim voices from the sea of his soul joined his, reinforcing a will that had brought demons and demigods to heel. He reached out to stop Thanatos in its tracks. It felt like trying to stop a full-speed freight train, but the Persona froze in mid-step. "You're... not... I'm in control."
Every fight he'd been through flashed through his head. Every struggle, all the uncertainties and mistakes, had brought him here. The people who relied on him, his friends who needed him, even at his worst he wasn't going to let them down. If he did after getting this far, he'd have failed. And if he failed, this thing would get loose.
He was still Arisato Minato. Even if his family had died and he'd let it break him, even if he'd failed Kirijo-san and Mitsuru-senpai, even if he'd hurt the only people he had left in his life, Arisato Minato wasn't going to lose now.
Minato grabbed the shreds of his will and pulled back on Thanatos. The Persona railed against his efforts, fought like a mad beast to keep from being pushed down. The struggle was enough to blind Minato with sweat, and he was afraid the best he could manage was a stalemate. Given that his very soul was on the line, that would be as bad as losing.
But Senpai's hand clasped his forearm. Senpai's other hand came up and patted him on the shoulder.
Such a presence was like a pillar for his psyche. His will reinforced and Thanatos buckled, breaking down into darkness and retreating into whence it came. Even when Minato stopped pushing, the Persona was silent. Not a beast walking its cage and looking for another opportunity, but an animal cowed by the presence of the pack leader.
It was over, and Minato felt so weak that he would have fallen if Senpai hadn't pulled him close and held him up.
"See? Nothing to it," Senpai told him.
Minato laughed, and the action and sound eased the weight on his shoulders by half. It was enough that he could stand on his own, though his legs were still shaky. "Thanatos beat you, you know."
Senpai stepped back and shook his head. "That was just the first round. The winner's the one who gets up one more time than the loser."
"You got a new Persona. What happened?"
"Polydeuces and I had a talk. It's... well, things worked out and he changed."
Minato could see that it wasn't just the Persona that had changed. That strength and intensity was still there, and it looked like it was there to stay.
"You're better now?" Senpai asked. "Is Thanatos under control?"
Minato nodded."I don't know if it's under control, but this is way better than before. I won't let it get away from me again, and if it gets worse, I'll let you know."
"Good." Senpai gave a sharper look. "There's something else you have to do, you know. Tonight."
Minato winced. Mitsuru-senpai. Minato knew he had to help her, but even now, with his head cleared, he had no idea how to broach the subject.
"She wants to give you your space and let you deal with things on your own terms," Senpai continued, "but she's a wreck. You saw her; she's taking everything on herself. She can't keep that up without breaking. You're the one who needs to help her."
"I... I know. I'm not trying to dodge the issue, but what about Ken and the others?"
"I'll look after them."
"I... I owe Junpei and Yukari an apology, don't I?"
"Probably, but they'll forgive you."
Senpai's tone made it clear he wasn't budging, and Minato asked hopefully, "I don't suppose you could help me? Give me some tips? Maybe work me in somehow and give me a place to start?"
"I kicked your door in and dragged you here for a fight no one else knew about," Akihiko-senpai pointed out. "There's no way she doesn't know about it by now, so do you really think she's going to listen if I tell her it was for your own good? Trust me, whatever you do will be better than if I get involved."
"So that's a no?"
"I've never had a girlfriend; what do I know? You've gotten pretty far with her already, and you need to do some of this stuff on your own."
Senpai's knowing look felt like old times, like the beach at Yakushima or when he'd pushed Mitsuru at Minato to get her mind off things. Minato smiled. He was filthy and sweaty and tired, he hadn't been eating properly, and he'd just faced down a being of death itself, but he smiled. "All right."
