A Waking Nightmare
At night, Levi felt like he was drowning in the horrors of the past.
000
At night, Levi dreamed.
He dreamed of a bright red sea, stretching out as far the eye could see, lonely seagulls at the horizon, a soft breeze in the air.
He dreamed of dark rooms with no air to breathe and starless skies.
He dreamed of rain and the smell of rotten leaves.
He dreamed of broken bones, blindingly white to the eye.
He dreamed of gravel and tiny pieces of rock splitting the atmosphere, destroying everything in its path.
He dreamed of the low humming of a plane that never ceased echoing and the sharp smell of burning flesh.
He dreamed of insects with torn wings lying on their backs.
He dreamed of barren land with nothing but dust left behind.
He dreamed. And when he awoke in a soft bed or sometimes his chair, treacherous lungs gasping for breath and his heart pounding painfully behind his ribs, cold sweat soaking his shirt, Levi nonetheless felt like he was still stuck in a nightmare.
000
The scent of paper and ink, the reddish glow of a fire, empty cups on the corner of the table.
"Hey, Erwin."
This scenario. It was not real. Levi was dreaming. Again.
"Hm, what is it, Levi?"
"You remember the promise I made, right?"
Gravel digging into his knee, the piercing noise of rocks, a promise, and-
Pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain.
"Ah, of course, Levi."
And I-
"Did I- did I do well? Good enough? I fulfilled it, right, so then why-"
Then why do I feel so empty?
Whining and desperate. Like a child. Fuck. Disgusting. I-
"Do not worry. You did well, Levi. You fulfilled your last promise."
A green cloak, soaked red and torn, dust, and dried up flower petals.
"Levi, thank you."
000
"Hange."
This again. It was not real. Levi was dreaming.
"Hm, what is it, Levi?"
"Why- (Stop it, don't you fucking dare!) why did you have to leave too."
"You know it, Levi."
Aching eyes, a small piece of black cloth clasped between cold fingers.
"I had to."
A desperate smile, concealing a terror too immense and an approaching hell closing in.
"I know, Hange, of course, I know that, but-"
The low and neverending hum of a plane - a short laugh that faded away into the deafening thunder of thousands of footsteps far below.
000
"Captain!"
Hundreds of gazes. And they were always asking-
-asking why.
(Accusing, condemning.)
They were always asking why he had not been able to save them. Why had he not been faster, better?
Why?
Over and over and over again.
It was not real. It was his mind, merging memories and imaginations into a horrific and incoherent mess of misery and fear. And yet.
Yet...
000
At night, Levi dreamed. Again and again. The same terrors of his deepest sorrows repeated themselves mockingly before his eyes. And he always woke up sweating, restricted under his obnoxious soft blankets scented with his favored soap, teeth chattering from the cold seeping through his veins, an apology on his lips ready to spill out.
000
At night, Levi felt like he was drowning in the horrors of the past. During the day, the guilt made it hard to breathe.
I recently finished my internship and thesis (yay), so I'm back to writing angst.
