Note: Timeline wise, I'd say this occurs a while after 'All the Little Things'.
Syria
'Hetty, what happened?!' Keane asked when he saw Hetty's bruised and bloody face.
'Got into a fight, lasted longer then I wanted it to. Bit dizzy, but I'm fine.' Hetty mumbled.
Keane iced and patched up her wounds.
'You sure you're okay? Your nose is pretty messed up and that cut next to your eye vaguely reminds me of-'
'Please don't say it.' Hetty requested, knowing which country he was going to bring up.
'Oh, okay. Well, other then a few scratches, a couple of cuts, a slightly bloody nose, you're fine. Get in a fight with a cat or something?'
Light chuckle, 'I wish. This fool that I was messing with was wielding 2 knives, and it just so happens that my gun was jammed. So, I had to fight him off with a small knife. Believe me he's in way worse shape then me!'
'No doubt about it.' Keane replied. 'Here's the ice, just take it easy for a while,'
Then Hetty went to sit in her armchair next to the fireplace.
Keane sighed. He knew that she could handle herself just fine, but a goon wielding 2 knives and her gun jammed?! Even that had to be too extreme for her.
He went to sit next to her.
'Let me guess, this is where you ask me if I'm really okay?' Well, I'm fine. This ice feels so good.' Hetty said.
'You know, you're probably right. But I'm still very concerned about you.' Keane replied.
Pulling the ice down. 'Sigh. I know I've had some bad meltdowns while we've been here, but that doesn't mean I'm self destructing.'
'Not saying that you are, but. You're clearly very emotional now.' Keane pointed out.
'So what? Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me.'
Not wanting to argue with her, Keane just sighed, and patted her on the shoulder and left her alone.
'She'll be back there tonight.' He thought.
Why was she doing the whole 'I'm fine' bit again? Because she didn't know what else to do. Basically pretending that she was 'fine' when she knew that she wasn't had pretty much been her coping mechanism since being rescued from Vietnam.
Hetty knew that she was lying to herself, and to Keane. But again, she didn't know what else to do. They had been there in Syria for half of a year now, and the mission they were still on was just getting more and more risky, and honestly, she felt she didn't even care anymore about how bad it was getting. Her team hadn't come for her by now, which either meant they couldn't find her, or they just didn't care anymore.
And why should they? She kept disappearing again and again on classified missions. Not to mention, the man that she considered to be the closest to a son that she'll ever have, probably wanted nothing to do with her after supposidly finding out something about his past that she couldn't answer about because she had to leave again.
As much as she missed them dearly, she sometimes wondered if they even missed her. Like, did they ever stop to think about her during their work day? Or were they just too busy to care? Or had they gotten too used to having another boss to really notice?
Ever since Vietnam, it had been 1 coping mechanism after another. Then again, who could've blamed her? In only a few short months that followed being rescued, she not only had to put up with a new partner that didn't really care about her team, but she also found out that the man that she knew deep down inside that she loved had been dead for a year, and while she was mourning, her team got forced into a suicide mission that she couldn't stop from going off the rails, and they almost paid with their lives.
Day after day she asked herself: 'Why, oh why didn't I just make that freaking call?!' 1 call would've stopped the whole thing from happening. Sure, she would've had to deal with the consequences, but it still would've been better then watching her agents get blown up!
After that, classified missions became her coping mechanism. Because the sheer guilt of not being able to have stopped a suicide mission from going off the rails was too much to handle by just being behind a desk.
After coming home, She thought she could try and get the pain under control. But, bad things happened. And before long, therapy was failing to do it's job, and the self guilt became overwhelming.
Then the Syria mission began, and then came the homesickness again.
Hetty lightly chuckled. Her biggest enemy since Vietnam had been herself and her motherly instincts of wanting to keep everyone safe, and her biggest flaw was being too harsh on herself when things didn't go right. Heck, if Granger could hear what she was thinking right now, he'd probably be telling to stop feeling sorry for herself and just do something about it!
'Except what can I do?' She asked herself. Go home to a team that had probably moved on from her? Try to go back to therapy? She knew that she wasn't the same person that she was when Granger was still alive, and that what had happened to her since was going to prevent her from ever feeling normal again. So, what was the point in trying to 'get' better?
'Heck. Maybe this is why I keep doing these missions. Because I don't care anymore if I die doing them.' She grimly thought.
Except, a part of her that miraculously hadn't turned all dark and gloomy knew perfectly well that wasn't true.
'If it's not true, then why can't I seem to want to get better and try to go back to being that tough but caring woman behind the desk?' She asked herself.
Then she chuckled. She was 1 of the smartest ex spies in the world, and she couldn't even figure out why she was feeling the way she was feeling!
'I'm such a mess.' She mumbled to herself.
Sure enough, when he woke up later that night and went to check on her, Hetty was still sitting there with the ice and her tea.
'Can't sleep?'
'Nope. And knowing you, you probably predicted this.' Hetty cynically replied.
'Maybe a bit.'
'Sigh. I hate myself. I feel horrible every day that I'm here, I feel so agitated a lot, and I feel so alone! And yet, you put up with me anyways? Even when I keep arguing with you? I'm a mess, Keane. A big, lousy, always feeling sorry for herself mess! And I don't know what to do about any of it!'
'Hetty, I stay because I care about you. You may think that the whole world has turned against you and that it might seem hopeless to do anything about it, and whatever other dark thoughts you have stored up in your head. But I'm still your friend. And you asked me to help with this mission for a reason. You don't really want to be alone, you want someone to talk to, to vent to, and to try and feel better with.' Keane kindly replied.
Knowing perfectly well that he was right, Hetty started welling up with tears, and Keane bent down to hug her.
'I just want this to be over!' She cried.
'Shh shh. And that's okay. I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay with you until this is over.'
Truthfully, she did want to go home and be with her family. Sometimes, it just took a kind voice of reason from someone who had been through utter hell to remind her of it. And she also knew that they hadn't moved on from her. If they still loved her enough, they would be happy that she was safe and sound and would want to be with her when she returned.
And that alone, gave her incentive to keep on fighting.
Endnote: Yeah, sometimes I feel motivated to go pretty dark with the 'inner thoughts' stuff. But, with whatever poor Hetty has been through since Season 9, I'm 99% positive that she'd be feeling pretty hard on herself. (And I seriously need some real answers in the show's canon about what's really going on with her.)
