Day 7: Magic Mushrooms

Atlanta, Georgia, United States of America

July 3rd, 2010, 12:40 AM

Somethings never changed. I had to beg my big brother, Daryl, to let me sleep in his tent with him rather than share one with Merle. I was a grown man, but an older brother was still an older brother, and I had been at the mercy of his will. After careful conversation and callous insultation, Daryl let his more empathetic side kick in and agreed to share the tent with me for the night since Shane had only brough me two. Merle would be left to roll on his own.

We'd been asleep since the sun had set yesterday, and though I normally slept deeply in my exhaustion, tonight was a different story. The stumbling of footsteps outside of my tent sent my heart into a race against itself. One of those things was out there, I just knew it.

In quick pace, I grabbed Daryl's flashlight from beneath his feet and the Desert Eagle I'd obtained yesterday, unzipped the tent, and rushed out, ready for a fight.

Shining the light, I saw no geek, but Merle, wandering around in the dark, obviously still high out of his mind.

"Man, I though you were a geek!" I shouted at him, instantly getting his attention. "Turns out you're just geeked… still."

"Joel!" he laughed, leaning himself against a tree. "My baby, baby brother. You should really try for some of these magic mushrooms. Makes all this shit go away."

I wanted to be mad at him for being out here on his own by himself like this as well as waking me up but seeing him with a big smile on his face in the flashlight bean had an air of innocence to it. Innocence was not a word that I could often use to describe Merle, but innocent was the only word I could really use to describe him right now. Maybe doe eyed.

"You liked the way the world was before better?" I asked him, my voice gentle and low to keep from waking Daryl.

My oldest brother slid down the tree trunk until he sat firmly on the forest floor, his legs stretching out comfortably. The act itself making me cringe- I imagined the tree bark must have scratched his back all up. He looked up at me in quiet contemplation. This was another look I didn't much see on the man. As he was often defensive and quick to react, I felt a bit of guilt in liking seeing him on the psychedelic. But I wished he could be this way while sober as well. Or that at least some version of this boyish innocence could remain.

"I… I don't know," he said, his head tilted back to look up at the stars through the trees.

I could only imagine how they must look while in his current state.

"Well, do you miss anythin'?" I challenged, walking over to him, and sitting down to his left.

"Do I miss anythin'? Do I miss any goddamn thing!" I rested my elbows on my knees, waiting to see where this was going to go. "Well, I don't miss bein' locked up, that's for sure. I don't miss the police. I don't miss nothin' about the law. They got no right tellin' me how to live my life or take my freedom from me!"

Oh, how this was the contradiction I'd been faced with in my life.

"You're damn right," I nodded, looking into his bright blue eyes. "You're a free man, Merle. To tell you the truth, when it came down to it, I thought a lot more like that. Always did."

"Always did?" he quizzed. "I find that hard to… imagine. You would've been more like me otherwise 'stead if joinin' up with 'em. Why'd you wanna become a cop of all things? I told you time and time, again, brother, don't go fallin' for anyone's bullshit. No one wants what's best for you 'cept me and Daryl, you hear? I fell for it once with the goddamn army recruiter! Gettin' away from the old man was never worth leavin' you and Daryl behind."

When he spoke, his mind seemed separated from him, as if two different thought processes were going on at once. On one hand, his eyes were fleeting all around them in awe as well as caution. This caution wasn't brought upon by the dead. It had always been there. I knew he was suffering from the trauma of not only childhood but everything he'd experienced that he never told me about. On the other hand, his words were more honest, insightful, and vulnerable than the way he usually talked. There was anger there, yes, but the emotion in his voice was flowing from angry to sensitive to curious, the whole gamut.

"I don't speak for Daryl, but I can't fault you for that. You did what you had to do. We made it okay. We're here now, brother. And to answer your inquiry about my career choice, I wanted a way out too, same as you. I wanted to make sure no kids went through what I went through- what we went through. I wasn't expectin' to be some kind of over glorified hero," I had to admit, Shane came to mind when I said this, "but I didn't think it would be as bad as it would. I wanted to help that woman and her kids, yeah, but I wanted a way out. I wasn't thinkin' straight. There were so many times, Merle, we had to let people go 'cause of lack of evidence, lack of charges, bribery, I'm sure. I didn't want to be nothin' like Dad. I thought bein' a cop was the best route. It wasn't for me."

"We all wish we did things differently."

"I don't know how I could have done anythin' differently. Does it matter anymore? Look at what's goin' on around us."

Merle's two thought processes seemed to align for a moment, his face losing its wonder. It was as if he had forgotten everything only for a moment in time, and I had done the dishonor of bringing him back to reality.

"You think things are ever gonna be back the way they were?"

It was unusual for him to ask for the genuine input of me or anyone else. If Merle asked you a question, it was usually to prove his own point. Regardless of the topic, Merle had an opinion, and he would do anything to prove that he was right.

"Nah. Even if some sort of civilization gets put back in place, it ain't ever gonna be the same. Who we were, who I was, who you were; none of that matters anymore. I ain't a former cop. I ain't a criminal. You ain't a criminal, you ain't a tweaker. You ain't none of what anyone wants to tell you they think you are, Merle. You don't gotta be."

I hoped he understood what I was saying.

"Then why's Kendal, that nigger cop runnin' around like he owns the place. And I damn well know the other cop would've been doin' the same had he not been out there with you. Least he's actually doin' somethin' for his people."

"That's what it is, Merle. You gotta stop with that. We were raised a certain way. That way ain't gonna do us anythin' in this world. You can't be callin' people niggers or wetbacks or chinks no more. You don't have to be Dad."

"You better watch the way you speak to me, boy."

"I'm tryin' to help you get on and stay alive. If you wanna keep actin' this way, we're better off splittin' from these folks. Right now, they ain't seein' the sum of us three as an asset. Mia, Ahmad, and Sheila are overjoyed they ain't stuck with just us anymore; I can see that. We ain't gonna get far if we don't get along with them."

"That why you're riskin' your neck out there to bring 'em some nests to curl up in?" his tone softened again, gaining his wonder back.

"Maybe. What I'm thinkin' is there ain't nothin' else to do. I don't want to sit around on a stump all day hopin' someone rescues us."

"That cop's a damn liar, that's for sure."

I wasn't sure if that was his intuition or if his paranoia just happened to be right.

"Don't got to let no one else know that just yet. They need to believe someone's comin' in order to keep movin'. Tell 'em the truth, some of them will lose their will to even keep tryin'."

"Suicide's for pussies."

"We're all lookin' to die in our own way."

"How do you figure?"

"Like you said, I'm out there riskin' my neck for some tents for people I don't know. You're eatin' unidentified mushrooms out in the woods. Did it ever occur to you when you're puttin' that shit in your body that maybe it would be the last time?"

"Didn't care. What about you?"

"That's my point. And I'm on the same page. I did dope when I didn't care. Didn't have a job, a girl, a future to look forward to."

"Don't ever let pussy have control of you like that. Ain't never gonna be worth it. I've seen what women do. They'll get you real hooked then leave you for the next best thing. Take half of what you own while you're at it. Keep it to a good wham, bam, thank you ma'am. And nothin' more."

"That's what you think Dad shoulda done with Mom?"

"I do, but it woulda been for her own good."

"So, the world's just a better place for everyone that way?"

"Guess so," he shrugged.

"What do you care about the world?"

He laughed at that. "Nothin' at all, baby brother, nothin' at all."

Merle moved his body from where he was resting against the tree trunk to laying flat in the grass, dirt, and twigs.

"You care about all the people that are dyin' right now? All the people that are hungry and scared? All the people that have lost people?"

"I don't know why you're askin' me all this when you damn well know you don't care nothin' about them neither. Maybe less than I. You're happy it's all done and over with. It's a new world for you, Joel. You lost so much before, and you ain't lost nothin' now. Just you wait 'til it's me or Daryl. Then you'll be where everyone else is."

"It ain't gonna be you guys."

"You're right if I can help it."

"You can. You got what it takes. Gotta stop pissin' people off though. Ain't no law anymore to stop anyone from shootin' you in the face."

"You might be right. But ain't no law stoppin' me from gettin' what I want or shootin' anyone that pisses me off in the face!"

Merle was a lot of talk, but he was no killer. Brutal and violent when angry, yeah, but he'd had plenty of chances to end the lives of people who'd made him mad. Chances he could have gotten away with. But he always stopped before it got that far.

"People are what's gonna help get us through this. We got their back, they got ours. We live. Most of us anyway."

"You really believe all that? What's next, sharin' all the labor? You sound like one of them socialist democrats. Listen to yourself. When has anyone ever had our back besides the three of us? And don't you dare say your cop buddies! Tell me which one of 'em tried to get you acquitted? Came and visited for you in jail? Covered for you?"

He did have a point. It had been the three of us. Only even we weren't all there for each other all of the time. Merle left. I left. And Merle wasn't always the best role model of a big brother. And yes, that was an understatement. I was quiet for a while, trying to find a way to make him at least consider things from the way I was looking at them. I couldn't discredit him completely. Maybe he was right. But maybe I was. And his way was at a bigger risk of loss than mine. We could at least try to acclimate with the group. Though I could admit that there was a seed of doubt which was certainly rooted in childhood that we could rely on anyone but ourselves. Despite the strength of Merle's argument, I was selfish. I wanted him to try my way of doing things. It had a possibility to work out for us.

"I wasn't gonna say that," I admitted. "You're right about them. Bunch of pussies. But those men had jobs to carry out, mouths to feed. They weren't gonna put morality above their career. Just as selfish as we've had to be. Everyone's always been survivin'. The world's not so different come to think of it."

"What are you ramblin' about?" Daryl interrupted.

The guy had a way of creeping up when you weren't expecting him. He'd undoubtedly learned to move noiselessly in order to not scare away prey as his time as a hunter. The result of that, however, was scaring everyone he ever came up on.

His crossbow slung over his back, he came and leaned against a nearby tree, lighting up a cigarette.

He was entirely right. I was starting to ramble.

"Merle and I are… strategizing. I think it's better that we stay in cahoots with everyone."

"'Course you do," Daryl muttered from behind his cigarette.

"Maybe it doesn't go nowhere, maybe it does, but I think we got better chances with people lookin' out for our us. Before you make a very valid point that Merle just made, consider this. Us three, we are capable. We're strong. We can make them feel safe. We can become an asset, somethin' they value. People will do anythin' to protect what they value."

"Don't need no one's protection," Daryl replied.

"Probably not, but it's not going to hurt to have that extra layer there," I defended.

I knew it would be an uphill battle in convincing my brothers to play kumbaya with a group of people they had nothing in common with. I was always the odd man out.

"Maybe he's onto somethin'," Merle spoke up.

"You got to be kiddin' me," Daryl scoffed.

"Hear me out, baby bros. You're gonna hate this idea at first, Joel, but humor me. It ain't as bad as it sounds."

"Go for it," I urged, gaining curiosity in what plan my shroomed-out brother could have concocted.

"I say we rob this people blind," he stated bluntly.

"What? No!" I zipped.

"I ain't got a problem with it," Daryl shrugged. "Merle always kept us above water when we were kids, didn't he?"

"Wait, wait, wait, little bro," Merle turned his head to face me, pointing an assertive finger in my direction. "You've done all the work. Went out and got all that shit for everyone like you said you did, didn't you? That cop may have gone with, but how many times you think he wants to leave behind that little brunette and his kid?"

"Turns out that ain't his family," I clarified.

Merle chuckled. "Oh, it will be. That girl's lookin' for any man that makes her feel safe. Same as any woman. If her man ain't here, and the cop is, that's her man now."

"Shane's her dead husband's best friend."

"And wouldn't the late husband want his wife to move on with a man he trusts? She's gonna find anyway to justify it. That ain't important here. You don't need to be riskin' yourself for these people for them to do nothin' for us. Think about it at least, Joel. We try playin' nice, but if that don't work out, we take what's ours. It ain't a robbery really if it's what we provided for them."

"Sounds fair to me," Daryl agreed.

I sighed. "Fine. But you agreed. You'll play nice and see if that works out first."

"That's what I said, ain't it?"

"I owe you a deer if the whole cult of Joel thing works out," Daryl remarked, earning an inquiring look from me. "What? You all but said to make these people dependent on us, form a shield around us. Ain't that some Waco, Texas shit?"

"Maybe it is," I wasn't going to argue. "But if it keeps us in a good position, it keeps us in a good position."

The sky had slowly started to light up during the conversation, and Merle was certainly gaining his sobriety back. I knew he wouldn't choose to stay sober for long, and I was sure he had a lot more in that plastic baggy he called his stash to keep him going. I'd rather turn the blind eye to whatever he was putting into himself besides mushrooms. It was a free world, and he was a free man now.

"Sun's up high enough to get back to it," Daryl observed.

"Y'all want me to bring you some beans or somethin'?" I offered.

"Still too pussy to kill a rabbit," Daryl quipped. "By the looks of it, day will come when you can't afford to be anymore. I ain't huntin' for you 'cause you got it hard for Bambi."

"I make a better scavenger," I retorted. "Look, y'all want the beans or not?"

"I don't get hungry 'til I've been up for a few hours," Daryl said. "Merle don't get hungry. Got squirrels anyhow."

Right. All the drugs Merle was on would surely kill his appetite.

"Alright. I'm gonna head back to camp then. See what use I can make of myself," I told them.

I offered Merle a comforting pat on the shoulder as I stood up. I hoped the come down wasn't so bad. Surely, he'd get something else in him to prevent a come down from happening at all.

Navigating my way back through the woods, I followed the path through which I remembered coming in. It wasn't really all that far away.

Back in camp, it was pretty quiet. I earned a wave from Dale who seemed to be the only one awake at this time which was no surprise. There was something about old people getting up at the crack of dawn.

"Good mornin', Dale," I waved up to him.

The man had looked essentially the same day after day. Always with a hunting rifle by his side, a fisherman's hat, and a wife beater underneath a lightly colored flannel. It was only day three in camp if I could remember correctly, but I was wondering if he really owned any other clothing.

"Joel, mind if I have a word with you?" he called back, a concerned tone paired with a gesture waiving me to join him up on top of the RV.

I was prepared to have to convince him that the Merle situation had been all sorted out.

I nodded and walked over to the ladder in the back of the RV, climbing up to greet him where he sat in a lawn chair, umbrella set up to protect him from the rising sun.

"What's goin' on, Dale?" I asked him, my hands on my hips.

"That young Asian guy, Glenn, was it? He left this morning."

"Left? Camp wasn't good enough for him?"

"Well, I don't think he was expecting anyone to be awake at 4 AM. I had a chance to have a talk with him, and he said he needed to go into town and pick up a few things. Just like it was a trip to the grocery store."

"Brave dude," I commented. "He's a grown man, though, Dale. If he wants pull his own, I say let him. He's not hurtin' anyone."

"I don't know if that's true, that's my only concern. Of course, I'm concerned about his safety out there, leaving on foot and whatnot, but I'm not sure how close he is with T-Dog and the others. How well they know each other. I just don't want his friends to freak out and everyone go out looking for him. I'd rather somebody who's capable," he gestured towards me, "be the one to find him."

"They might freak out, but I doubt anyone's going to leave. People are scared. Glenn maybe not so much, but everyone else? Yeah. If he chose to go out on his own, that's on him. If it becomes an issue, I'll tell his friends I'll leave to look for him tomorrow if he's not back by today. Shane and I made a trip of what? A few hours?"

"Right, but you were in his Jeep. May I reiterate that Glenn took off with nothing but a backpack."

"Maybe he was a hiker," I shrugged. "Probably just needed a toothbrush like everyone else. It's been what? Almost a week since I've brushed mine. And don't even get me started about deodorant."

"Well, why didn't you say something, son?" he asked. "The RV is unlocked. Go in the drawer to the right of the sink. I got a bunch of the cheap ones they give away from the dentist."

"If I wasn't dying to brush my teeth, I'd ask why."

I really was more excited right now to brush my teeth than I had ever been in my lifetime which was evident in the way I rushed back towards the ladder.

"I stalked up when I heard the world was going to shit!" I heard Dale yell at me when I jumped from the bottom steps of the ladder onto the dirt floor.

Swerving around the corner, I opened the RV door excitedly but now trying to not be too loud just in case Andrea and Amy were sleeping in here. I followed Dale's direction and found the toothbrush drawer, grabbing an orange one and removing it from the plastic, along with a mini tube of Colgate. I tried for Dale's RV sink, but no water came out. I wasn't all that disappointed. This would give me an opportunity to walk down to the quarry and actually see it for myself for the first time. It would be nice this early in the morning with no one else around. I could maybe take the chance to bathe myself a little bit, but I didn't know that I would want to just to put dirty clothes back on.

Hurrying out of the RV and around the corner to the walkway that led down to the quarry, I truly noticed how long of a walk it would be up and down to the quarry each day. Not only long but pretty steep. It would be easy going down, but the walk back up was what I wasn't looking forward to so much. I was considering setting up camp down here for myself, but certainly everyone would want to follow me then.

As I neared the bottom of incline, the sun shone its rays onto the body of water, creating a blinding but beautiful, bright, blue sparkle. The sight took me aback as it had been so long since I'd been reminded of something beautiful. Nature was largely untouched by this whole virus. I doubted it would be long before the animals took their land back. That is, the land that didn't belong to the dead now.

Off in the distance, on the far side of the quarry, I could see a figure. My first instinct was that it was a geek, but geeks didn't wash laundry, certainly not with such coordination. It looked like Dale had missed somebody who woke up early.

I intended to see if they were okay or if they needed any help or even company. As I got closer to the figure, I could see that it was that of a woman's. Carol, I believe was her name. Her petite frame worked hard on the task before her, and when she noticed me coming to approach her, she offered a small smile.

"Good mornin'," I greeted. "Suppose I'm not the only one who likes to rise before the rest of the world."

"There's not much of the world to beat in that respect left," she pointed out.

She was quiet and sullen but not utterly defeated like the others.

"You and your husband," I began as I wetted my toothbrush in the water, "I hope I'm not assuming or intruding, but you guys don't seem as bothered by all of this as everyone else."

"Ed was a prepper," she shrugged. "Of course, I supported my husband, but I have to admit," she lowered her voice to barely above a whisper as if afraid of being heard, "I thought he was just crazy. Turns out he was right. Had I known, maybe I would have done more to help him. Maybe our marriage would have been better. It was so important to him. It never was to me. He was never very satisfied with the way the world works. Maybe he'll be happier this way."

It was sad. She did her best to seem okay, but I could see her marital issues were weighing on her. From what I gathered, Ed was happier with the collapse of society. I couldn't say that my brothers and I were any different, so I couldn't fault him for that. Carol just wanted her husband to be happy. Therefore, she was happy. I decided to pry anyway.

"That's your husband though," I stated. "What about you?"

"My parents both passed not too long ago," she told me. "My brother and sister are in different states. I haven't seen them in ages."

"I'm sorry to hear all of that."

"Things happen for a reason," she said assuredly. "I have to trust that they're for the better."

I nodded. She had a much more polite way of putting things, but I was beginning to suspect that she had a childhood not so different from my own. Something about her reminded me of a version of myself.

"At the beginning of all this, my father died," I told her.

"I'm sorry for your loss."

"Don't be. He was a cruel man."

"You can love a cruel man."

"Am I wrong then; if I didn't love him."

"I'm sure you did at one point."

"Maybe. I don't remember that far back."

"I should really be getting back to my husband before he wonders where I am."

"Of course, I'll see you around Misses Peletier."

"Carol will be fine," she said without making in eye contact, beginning to carry her laundry back up the hill.

She had a timidness about her, but also a certain level of insight and wit. I found her to be endearingly interesting, being willing to talk but closed off at the same time. I was sure there was a lot she wasn't saying.

Back to my task at hand, I opened the toothpaste tube and applied a conservative amount to the brush's bristles before bringing it to my teeth. And God, it felt like heaven. I'd been so bothered by it for days now. It was as if rolling in mud for months then finally taking a shower. It was these little things I was starting to realize I had to be really grateful for going forward.

I walked the path that Carol had just walked up, back up the hill. The fact that I hadn't slept all that much was probably what was wearing me out more than the trek itself.

Once I'd made it back up to the top, I could see that the camp was starting to rise as people sat around the main campfire, cooking up whatever they had brought into camp. What caught my attention was that there weren't many places for everyone to sit. And Dale's RV had popped an idea into my head.

The Sprinter was huge. I'd seen people convert their vans into campers before, and without the current bounds of finances, this was a project I might be interested in starting. The first step would be getting all of the extra seats out of it. Kill two birds with one stone.

I headed over to my mostly empty van, opening the backdoors. There were three rows of seats I could remove. It would look pretty redneck around the campfire, but I had never been opposed to that aesthetic.

One after each, I removed the three seats and put them each out the back door.

"Hey, Morales, give me a hand over here," I prompted the father of two and he obliged.

As he and I lifted the largest of the three seats, I explained to him, "I want to convert my van into a camper for me. Thought these seats would do better by the campfire for everyone."

"It's gonna get hot in there at night," he warned me as we set the first seat down at the campfire, his children crawling on it enthusiastically.

It was funny how kids were entertained by the slightest changes from what they were used to. I could assume that they'd never used a car seat as somewhere for them to sit outside of a car, and the prospect seemed to excite them.

Morales and I walked over and lifted the second seat.

"I've seen people install fans and all types of things in these vans. I ain't got much better to do right now. Might as well make a project for myself," I continued.

"Well, I'm curious to see how it all turns out. If it's good, maybe we can find and convert more of them," he suggested.

"Gonna have to put my skills to the test first."

Morales and I finished arranging the seats around the firepit, and I was glad to have been able to provide some better seating arrangements for everyone. It did look pretty backwoods, car seats and lawn chairs arranged around a campfire in the middle of the woods. It was better than nothing.

In exhaustion, I sat down around the fire in one of the seats. At this point, everyone had seemed to disperse in their own directions after breakfast. I spotted Shane approaching me where he took a seat diagonal from me, offering me a can of beans and a fork which he had already opened with a can opener.

"So, did you catch up with 'em?" he asked.

"Yeah," I nodded. "There's not gonna be anymore problems with them being team players."

They had agreed to play nice for now. I wasn't going to mention the taking everything and running plan. I didn't think it was going to come to that. A plan b never hurt though.

"Good. I think we should come up with some sort of organization. There's jobs to do. Can't have no one not pullin' their own weight."

"I agree when it comes to the latter, but don't you think it's a little early for that? People are still registering what's goin' on. They don't want to be told what to do by you, me, or anyone. We ought to give everyone their space."

"I ain't sayin' that your point is wrong, but food is runnin' lower and lower. We don't figure shit out now, and we starve out. When people get hungry, they get angry, riled up."

"You're probably right," I admitted. "We should give everyone a choice on what to do though. Ask about their skills, what might be helpful around here."

"Alright then, we call a group meetin' if you will. Nothin' that formal. Let's just try to get everyone together."

"Daryl and Merle are deep in the woods. We can just deem them the group hunters and call it good."

"Fine with me."

"We're gonna need to map out some jobs first. Don't wanna pull everyone in without a plan. We take input, but we ain't gonna let everything get hectic."

"I'll start some kind of camp guard group. Gather some of our most capable people. If you're so comfortable out there, Joel, I think you should be in charge of the scavenging team. We'll get the women to do some of what they're used to."

"The women ain't gonna live long if all they know to do is fold laundry."

"What's your point?"

"If they want to stay foldin' laundry and cookin', let them, but we gotta give any girls the right to be guards or scavengers if they'd like."

"Alright. Won't argue with that."

Shane and I continued mapping out some details on what kind of jobs we needed. We'd need foragers- people to collect firewood and anything useful growing out in the forests. Fishermen down in the water. I'd seen some under the surface this morning. Of course, someone would have to watch the children. There weren't many of them. It was all going to depend on who was comfortable doing what. We both agreed we didn't want to impend on anyone's freedom. Keeping the group together and safe was most important.

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WORDS: 5,545

Thank you all for keeping up with this story- following and favoriting. I'd like to give a special thanks to my reviewers. To answer some of your inquiries, I am letting this story write itself, so I really have no idea what I'm going to do with some of these characters like Merle. I'm not fully following the canon story line, and it will likely majorly break off at some point, so we will see what happens to Merle. I really am a little conflicted with what to do with him and how to develop him and his relationship to Joel as well as the other characters. With that being said, my mind can't help but plan a few things ahead as much as I'm trying to leave everything open, and I do have a plan for the dynamic between Joel and Ed. I'm not a hundred percent certain of what the execution of that will be as of yet. I've felt a little rushed with some parts of this story, so I don't want any of these relationships to be rushed. I was looking at a carefully constructed timeline of the show's events, and I wish I dragged out the forming of the quarry camp to be more accurate. It was formed on what? Day four or five here when it was more like fifteen on the show apparently. And a part of me wishes Joel linked up with some of the other survivors before meeting up with his brothers. I could have let the older Dixons play out their survival instinct story arc without Joel's presence and given him a more original independent one. But, at the same time, I'm glad I was able to write in him putting his dad down.