Chapter 16

This couldn't be happening!

Carter was dying.

Mark couldn't believe this was actually happening. When Peter had said they had to be prepared, he never actually processed the idea of Carter actually dying. And then when Doug said not to give up hope, he had been so relieved. He felt hope.

But now Carter's vitals were plummeting, and no matter what they did he just kept crashing. He was dying and there was nothing they could do.

"Come on Carter, don't give up. Hold on!" Mark pleaded.

Then he flat lined.

Peter, Mark, Doug, and Carol all snapped their gazes to Carter's vital machine in horror.

"No!" Carol gasped.

"Get the crash cart!" Peter bellowed, his face full of thunder; "NOW!"

Mark grabbed the paddles first before Peter and Doug could. He felt most responsible for Carter. He should have stopped all this from happening. If he had just noticed what was wrong with Carter sooner, none of this may have happened. And Carter wouldn't be here in this bed dying...And so he felt like he had to be the one to help save Carter. And if he couldn't...it would be on him. Not Doug or Peter. They couldn't live with the guilt if Carter died. Neither could Mark, but he had no choice. Someone had to do it.

"CHARGING. CLEAR!"

Paddling Carter was the worst experience of Mark's life. He felt utterly sick watching Carter's body convulse and go limp. His heart rate beep and flat lined again.

"Again!" Doug ordered, his eyes never leaving Carter. His fists clenched at his sides, as his heart raced so fast he thought it would explode from his chest. Carter couldn't die. He just couldn't.

"Clear!"

Another shock. Nothing.

"Upping to 300." Peter said quickly without checking with the others.

"Clear!"

Where there was still no response, Mark stumbled back in shock. A steady flat beeping filling the deathly silent room.

"Doug..." Carol gasped, tears in her eyes as she clutched her stomach and covered her mouth; "Oh my god."

"I'm sorry..." Mark murmured his eyes trained on Carter's face in pain.

"No this isn't happening. He can't die!" Doug shouted and snatched the paddles from Mark before he could process what was happening.

"Doug..." Mark tried weakly, too devastated to try to stop him.

"CLEAR!" Doug shouted ignoring Mark as he shocked Carter. Mark expected there to be no response again, but still it was hard to watch as Carter convulsed and went limp again.

"Again!"

"Doug stop!" Peter ordered in despair, and Carol reached for him.

"CLEAR!"

This time when Doug shocked Carter, he went limp and then...

Carter's eyes shot up as he spluttered and coughed deeply. The vital machine suddenly beeping wildly as Carter's heart started up again.

"Oh my god!" Carol's eyes widened, and everyone rushed forward.

"Carter!" Doug threw the paddles back onto the crash cart and rushed to Carter's head, cupping his face; "Carter? Carter can you hear me?"

Carter looked around wide eyed and glassy eyed, not focusing on Doug.

"Bobby?" Carter murmured with a raspy voice, his eyes searching.

They were all both alarmed and relieved.

Before they could ask Carter anything, his eyes closed again.

He may not have made sense, or been awake long. But he was alive. Carter was alive.

0o0o0oo0oERo0o0o0oooo0o

Carter woke up slowly next time. And his mind was clearer, the fog had lifted.

So when he opened his eyes and found himself staring at the familiar hospital room. He wasn't surprised. But he was disappointed, really disappointed. Bobby was gone.

Had it all been a dream? Or had it been real?...Carter had no idea. It felt real, he wanted it to be real...so badly he had wanted it to be real. Then again...if it was real it meant he lost his brother all over again.

It felt like his heart was being torn apart, the horrible pain and loss overwhelmed him so much he could barely breathe.

Wait that wasn't just the loss, he really couldn't breathe that well.

Peering down he realised there was a mask over his face giving him oxygen. It didn't seem to be working that well. Blinking dazed as he got his bearing and his memory came back, his eyes flickered around the darkened room. And he saw Carol, Doug and Peter all sleeping in various chairs around the room.

Bobby's words flickered across his mind; 'there are people who care about you back at the hospital. People who are waiting for you to wake up. Think about how they'd feel if you didn't wake up. If you..."

Carter felt a wave of guilt. They'd been taking care of him for weeks, ever since he got hit by the car. They stayed, whilst his own family had abandoned him. They looked after him, and saved his life. He'd taken them for granted. And he felt terrible about it. Bobby was right he needed to realise how special the people were close to him. How much they meant to him.

Movement and sounds caught his attention, and he cautiously shifted, wincing as he felt his body crying out in pain at the moment. He was aches and pains all over, not to mention hot and cold.

As he turned to the left, he felt some relief and comfort seeing Mark standing over him. Looking down at his chart he assumed as he was writing something. Carter thought he looked tired, probably hadn't gotten much sleep. Because of him.

Carter opened his mouth to speak, to call Mark's name to alert him he was awake. But all that came out was a mix between a groan, a whimper and some incoherent sounds.

It had the desire effect though, Mark's head shot up, his eyes wide. And they softened in relief, a smile breaking out on his face.

"Carter! You're awake!" Mark shoved the chart back to hang over the railing off the bed. His shouting and commotion startling Doug, and Peter, and Carol awake.

"Carter!" Peter exclaimed as he bolted upright.

"Thank god!" Doug breathed, the tension in his eyes relaxing; "You gave us quite a scare buddy."

"You're awake!" Carol beamed, all of them standing.

"How are you feeling Carter?"

Carter opened his mouth to speak; "I..." That was all he was able to get out before a coughing fit hit him, causing sharp pains in his chest, and made his head spin. He gasped for air and fumbled for the mask to make sure it was in place, scared he wasn't getting enough oxygen.

But his shaking hands came into contact with others hands. Wide eyed he looked up through blurry vision to see Doug leaning over him, holding the mask in place.

"...ok Carter. Just breathe. Slow deep breaths." Mark explained, resting a hand on Carter's shoulder to keep him in place.

Relaxing, relieved and reassured by the contact and their presence, he calmed down and sucked in some air.

"That's it. Slow deep breaths." Doug praised, a small tight smile crossing his face; "Just relax Carter we got you."

When he got his breathing under control, Carol appeared at Doug's side with a cup of plastic water and a straw.

"This will help your throat Carter." She said gently offering a motherly smile.

Mark and Doug helped adjust the bed up more so Carter was more upright. It meant he had a better view of everyone.

They helped him remove the mask, and take a drink. He would have complained about the babying and coddling if he wasn't so tired and weak himself. And he appreciated they cared so much about him to make sure he was comfortable and did the little things for him. They made all the difference.

"How are you feeling Carter?" Peter asked slowly standing at the foot of the bed, arms crossed pacing on the spot as he studied Carter's face as he finished drinking, and Carol stepped back with the drink. Carter had yet to actually say something, and Peter and the others were concerned that Carter had suffered some complications from the infection and fever.

Clearing his throat, Carter leant back, and closed his eyes for a moment gathering his strength. Then he opened them and offered a weak smile; "Tired...Weak..." He murmured; "...Everything's...kinda fuzzy...what happened? The last thing I remember..." He rolled his head to the side looking at Mark for confirmation; "We were on the roof?" Even though he wasn't fully awake or aware of everything that was happening he didn't miss the looks of relief on their faces that he could speak on. No brain damage. Carter was relieved too.

"That's right." Mark nodded and then became serious; "You passed out in the elevator coming back down here. That night you developed a pretty serious post op infection."

"Infection?" Carter furrowed his brow, churning the word around his head as it took a moment for his brain to catch up with what that meant. And how serious it was.

"To your incision site." Doug offered seeing the wheels turning in Carter's brain, and how confused he looked.

"Oh..." Carter paused, frowning as he looked down at his torso in realisation; "That's my fault."

"What?" Doug reeled back startled looking at the others; "What are you talking about Carter?"

"I ripped my stitches before. You had to redo them. That's what caused it wasn't it? I did this to myself didn't I?" He shifted to look sadly at Mark expecting an angry expression, but instead was stunned to see concern and sympathy on his face.

"Oh Carter of course it wasn't your fault." Mark said quickly patting his shoulder with a small smile.

"You of all people know how common post op infections are Carter." Peter added with a shake of his head; "Especially when your condition is as serious as it is."

Something occurred to Carter. When Mark said he developed an infection 'that night', and Doug saying he gave them a scare, now Peter saying how serious his condition was. Dread and fear hit him.

"Just...how bad am I? The infection..." He trailed off as Bobby entered his mind and what happened with him, and his eyes widened; "I nearly died...I did die? Didn't I?"

Carol's eyes widened; "How did you...?" She quickly trailed off realising her mistake, and bit her lip looking nervously at Doug. They had agreed not to tell Carter not wanting to scare him with how close they came to loosing him.

Sharing a look, Mark nodded slowly and spoke softly as he pulled a stool over to sit by Carter's bedside; "Yes Carter. We nearly lost you. Your infection developed quickly. Your temperature rose, your pneumonia got worse. You were throwing up and delirious."

"We did everything we could to try and bring it down." Doug quickly interjected.

"You could barely breath we had to put you on a vent." Peter continued.

"How long?" Carter needed to know how long he was out for.

"36 hours and 27 minutes." Doug quickly replied and they all looked at him startled at how precise it was. But Doug couldn't help but count every minute in dread and terror. They were the worst 36 hours and 27 minutes of his life. He was sure it was for everyone else as well.

Carter just nodded slowly trying to process the news.

"Are you ok Carter?" Carol whispered rubbing his arm gently.

"I um I'm not sure." Carter replied shakily; "Um so...my condition got worse?"

"You weren't responding to treatment." Mark said diplomatically.

"And I...died." Carter's voice broke at the words, feeling it get caught in his throat like a huge lump.

"The important thing is you are ok." Doug spoke fast, and the others nodded.

"But I did die?" He needed to be sure that what happened with Bobby was real, even if it terrified him to think how close he came to dying.

"For a moment." Mark murmured quietly, rubbing his hands nervously together; "Yes. But we didn't give up on you Carter. We got you back."

"You're going to be just fine Carter." Doug added firmly, relief evident in his voice.

Carter could only nod staring into space. His mind whirling. He could barely even comprehend the idea that he nearly died. What that meant...to stop living. He'd barely even lived. Never accomplished anything. He wasn't even a full doctor yet, he'd never been in love or had a family, never owned a house. There was so much he still needed to do, so many people to save. The fact all that had nearly been taken from him was horrifying to think about. It felt like he'd been given a second chance, and he wasn't going to forget that.

But...

What hurt the most was Bobby.

"It was real?" Carter whispered in shock and a wave of sadness as he realised that those moments with Bobby were real. He had been right there, and Carter had lost him again.

The others frowned, sharing concerned and confused looks.

"What was real Carter?" Mark pressed leaning forward to study Carter's face. He was surprised and worried to see tears in his eyes.

"...Bobby." Carter breathed, closing his eyes at the painful memory; "I saw him."

"You did?" Doug said slowly casting a sharp look at Mark. Carol and Peter had been filled in on Bobby after Carter's parents had paid a visit and Carter got worse. When they were trying to explain why Carter's parents were so horrible to him.

"Oh Carter. I'm so sorry. That must have been so hard." Carol murmured in comfort; "Are you ok?"

Carter just looked at her dazed and in awe; "You believe me?"

Furrowing her brow she tilted her head; "Why wouldn't we?"

"Well it sounds crazy...I mean it couldn't have been real. It's just not possible..."

"Did it feel real?" Peter asked silencing Carter. He looked at Peter blankly; "Your brother. Did he feel real?"

Pausing to think about that moment, Carter nodded. It had felt just as real as now with them.

"Then it was real."

"If it was real to you Carter, then it was real." Mark explained at his still confused look. "It doesn't matter what we or anyone else thinks. If you think it's real, that he was real. Then he was."

Carter felt so much gratitude and love for his friends in that moment. Their immediate response was not to think he was crazy but support him, and reassure him. His parents wouldn't have done that, they would have looked at him like he was insane and told him he was being silly and to act appropriate. It meant so much to him they supported him on this.

"What happened Carter?" Doug said quietly leaning on the railing to look at him; "With your brother?" He asked gently, gulping a little. He could see how hard this was for Carter, how much trouble he was having to hold it together.

"I...he..." Carter opened his mouth to tell them, but the words failed him. How could he explain how much it hurt to lose his brother again? The guilt he felt...they wouldn't understand. And more so it was embarrassing to retell what Bobby had said about them, being his family. Because there was no way they saw him as family. They were his friends sure, and they treated him because that's what they did as doctors, they helped sick people. But there was no way they cared about him enough as family.

Then again what did he know about family? His own family had thrown him aside like he was trash and didn't care that he was in hospital hurt.

A thought occurred to him; "Did you tell my family? About the infection and how I nearly...you know."

Doug and Mark took note of how Carter quickly changed the subject, and both filed that away for later.

Everyone shared sheepish looks at the mention of Carter's family.

"We kept them informed yes." Mark said slowly looked down at his hands; "We didn't speak directly to them. We left messages. But their housekeeper assured us they were getting the messages."

"So...they knew I was dying. They knew I could die. And that I did die...but they still didn't come?" Carter asked in a small voice.

Doug immediately tensed gripping the railing in a vice grip. It was Mark who insisted they keep Carter's family informed, he would sooner have had them arrested for the way they treated Carter. The fact they just ignored the messages and didn't even care about the fact that Carter had nearly died said a lot about them. They were some of the worst people Doug had ever met. If he ever saw them again, he wasn't sure he would be able to hold back from teaching them a lesson.

"Carter..." Mark tried to talk to him. To offer comfort, seeing upset he was. He understood it had to be unbelievably hard for him to hear this.

"They don't care whether I live or die." Carter concluded in devastation; "Wow." His eyes widened before he rubbed his face furiously, feeling so many emotions. Anger and hurt being the most prominent. Like he was being stabbed in the heart. They were that mad at him they actually didn't care if he died? His own family actually didn't care if he lived or died! Did he seriously mean that little to them?

Mark and Doug shared concerned glances, worried at how Carter was dealing with the news. Especially when he was still so weak and sick. They were scared his condition might plummet again if he realises he has no support system.

"Carter? Are you ok?" Mark asked gently leaning forward to catch his eyes.

Blinking, Carter looked at Mark blankly. Speechless, and numb all over. How could he be ok after learning his own family truly didn't care about him? He knew they were mad sure, but that's nothing new, and they usually got past it. But how could he get past this? It felt like a major betrayal. The people who were supposed to protect him, to always be there for him, to love him no matter what, had abandoned him to die. Literally. He wasn't sure he could ever get past that.

"Carter?" Doug prompted when Carter didn't even blink, let alone say anything.

Dazed, Carter turned to Doug, and that was when he suddenly realised that Doug, and Carol weren't in scrubs but in normal clothes. Mark and Peter, were but they weren't. Which mean they weren't working at the moment. But...if they weren't why were they here?

"You're not on shift?" Carter asked Doug and Carol, surprising them.

Carol shot a look at Doug; "Er no Carter. Doug and I are not at the moment."

Doug frowned, a little concerned about the subject change.

"But you're here..." Carter murmured slowly.

"Of course Carter. Where else would we be?" Doug asked.

"Home." Carter said if it was obvious; "I get you being here whilst on shift, treating me. You're my doctors. And my friends. But...why stay when you didn't have to?"

The four of them just stared at Carter if he had grown a second head.

"We weren't going to leave you Carter." Doug said fiercely; "Not when you were hurt and sick."

"Yeah but..."

"We weren't going to just sit on our asses at home when you were here Carter." Peter added with a nod to him; "We would never do that."

"And we know you would do the same for us." Mark continued; "We weren't going to give up on you."

"We care about you Carter." Carol carried on reaching to squeeze his arm; "We wanted to be here for you. Through it all."

"We got your back Carter." Doug nodded firmly; "Through all of this. Not just in treating you, but in everything and anything you need."

"We care about you Carter. We're your friends." Carol said.

"Besides, you needed a support system." Peter murmured briskly crossing his arms; "You know how patients recover better when they have one."

Carter suspected Peter meant that as reassurance, but all Carter took from that was that they were pitying him. Poor Carter who had no family, was homeless, and had gotten hit by a car. They felt sad for him because he was all alone, and they were really just doing their jobs in trying to help him get better by being his support system. It wasn't that they cared for him like family, they were just thinking of how to make him recover faster. And it hurt. That they just pitied him and felt sorry for him. This was all humiliating enough, and he was already devastated having his family abandon him. But knowing his friends pitied him and didn't care enough about him, like he had hoped...well that just pushed him own the edge. He never felt more alone than right now.

Bobbing his head Carter scoffed; "Right because my own family abandoned me."

Instantly, they all realised the way it had to have sounded to Carter. Peter dropped his arms in panic and guilt, as Doug and Mark shared concerned looks.

"Carter that's not what I meant..." Peter started but trailed off guilty.

"We're just trying to say we care..." Mark interjected.

"You know...I'm actually...feeling pretty tired. I think I need to rest." Carter interrupted as he rubbed his eyes furiously. Feeling claustrophic and edgy all of a sudden. Like there were too many people in the room and he couldn't breathe. What with his family, and Bobby... and nearly dying, and now this... It was all just too much for him to cope with right now.

"Oh of course Carter." Mark said quickly nodding at the others; "We'll let you get some sleep and check on you again later." He patted Carter's shoulder, and Carol squeezed his arm before they turned to leave. Carter closed his eyes pretending to go to sleep as they left. As soon as he heard the door close, he opened his eyes and looked around the empty room.

Yep, story of his life. He was alone. He'd always been alone ever since he was a child, he just didn't realise it. But now it felt even worse, because he truly had no one. No one to lean on or to talk to, no one to understand and help him through this. He had to shoulder everything himself. He was used to that by now but still, the realisation he literally had no one in his life. It was shattering. And he had no idea what to do...

0o0o0oo0ooERo0o0o0o0o0oo0

"He's not ok." Doug shook his head as he looked through the window to Carter's room, watching as Carter just looked at the window to outside with a far off sad look; "We shouldn't have left him alone. He's clearly struggling."

"It's bad enough learning that he nearly died," Carol murmured covering her mouth in concern; "But to find out his family don't care either way if he lives or dies. How is anyone supposed to deal with something like that?"

"To top it off he thinks we don't care about him." Doug grumbled shooting a look at Peter.

"Hey I was only trying to make him feel better! He just interpreted it wrong." Peter defended.

"Doug." Mark chastised gently and sighed; "It's not Peter's fault. It's all of ours, we weren't sensitive enough in reassuring Carter. He has to be feeling scared and alone, and now on top of everything he thinks we'll abandon him too. We need to show him he isn't alone in this. That he has family even if it's not blood."

"Hear hear." Doug nodded at Mark.

"Carter needs us and we need to make sure we're here for him. Especially now. This is when he needs us most."