Chapter 19
"Leave it alone Carter." Peter chastised batting Carter's hand away from scratching the IV in the crook of his left arm.
Moaning and letting his head roll back against the pillow, Carter glared at Peter as the man went back to writing in his chart, leaning on the railing of his bed and eyeing the monitors; "It itches." Carted whined; "Can't you just take it out?"
Peter sent Carter a sharp look and huffed; "You know better than anyone that it has to stay in so you can get the medicine and fluids you need. And Carter," Peter's jaw hardened as he stared him down; "You need this stuff. Need I remind you that you nearly died and are still badly injured and sick. Your pneumonia hasn't shifted yet, and you're still in pain."
Carter faltered for a moment. Peter reminding him that he nearly died felt like a slap in the face. His jaw hardened and he turned away, not wanting Peter to see how upset he was.
But Peter noticed and softened a little; "I know you were hoping to get out of here sooner, and it's Christmas in a few days...I get it Carter. But you've just had a little set back. You'll recover. It will just take a little more time. You have to be patient and stop pushing yourself." He emphasised as he set Carter's chart back on the side of his bed, and put his pen away.
"Carter." Peter said firmer when Carter still refused to look at him.
With an eye roll, Carter rolled his head to look at Peter with a blank stare.
"You have to stop being so hard on yourself." Peter said as soft as the man could manage; "I know it sucks, believe me I get it. But you will get through this and you'll be back on your feet in no time."
With a smirk Peter patted Carter's shoulder; "Give yourself a break man."
Carter just nodded when in reality he just wanted to yell at Peter. Because what the hell did he know?! He had no idea what it was like to be in his shoes. To nearly die like this, to be stuck in a bed unable to do anything, and trapped with your dark thoughts...to know your own parents don't care if you live or die.
"Get some rest Carter." Peter prompted at the young doctor's silence; "I'll be close by if you need anything." With that Peter left the room and headed to the nurse's station. With a heavy sigh he glanced back one more time at Carter with a worried stare. He understood Carter was struggling right now, but he was worried about how hard Carter was pushing himself in a desperate need to recover and get out of the hospital.
"Peter."
Turning Peter was relieved to see his colleagues Mark and Doug heading over.
"Hey man. How is he?" Doug asked eyeing Carter in his room, frowning when he saw Carter just staring blankly out the window.
"Not good." Peter said briskly as he slammed a chart down and flipped it open.
Mark and Doug snapped their heads to Peter alarmed.
"Why not?"
"Is he ok?"
They both demanded.
"He's fine physically." Peter huffed rolling his eyes; "Temps returning to normal. Crits good. Pneumonia is shifting slowly. Pain level's not as high as it was, or so he claims. But so help me god if he tries to take his IV out one more time I'm going to..." As if on cue Peter glanced back into Carter's room and caught the man holding his left arm up again and was glaring at the IV as he picked and scratched at it; "CARTER!" Peter bellowed making Carter flinch and looked through the window at Peter with a guilty expression. He immediately dropped his arm and went beet red; "WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU? LEAVE IT ALONE!"
Peter turned back to Doug and Mark with a frustrated face. Mark offered a sympathetic smile as Doug smirked.
"He's not getting to you is he Peter?" Doug chided, finding it very amusing as he gave the impression nothing fazed him.
Peter just glared at Doug; "I'm serious here. If he keeps pushing himself this hard he's going to set his recovery back even more. He's already had one infection that nearly killed him! If he rips out his IV and gets another infection the next one could kill him! You get that right?!"
Mark and Doug stayed silent, their face solemn.
"We get it Peter. I get it." Mark nodded seriously; "I know he's pushing himself too hard." He blew out a breath remembering how Carter had gone walking alone on his broken leg and ripped his stitches; "He's fed up and thinks he can push himself to recover faster so he can get out of here."
"He's just going to make himself worse." Doug grumbled and Peter sent him an 'I told you so look'."
"He need to be watched." Peter said as he closed the chart he was writing in and sent Doug and Mark a sharp look; "I'm not kidding. If he is left alone there's no telling what he's going to do and just wind up hurting himself."
"I don't think we should leave him alone anyway." Mark shook his head in sadness for Carter; "With all the drama with his family, he's clearly struggling and depressed. I'm worried about him. He needs us right now, to show him he isn't alone."
"I've got a surgery in ten minutes. You got him?" Peter eyed Doug and Mark fiercely, basically telling them he was entrusting Carter in their hands.
"Yeah go on." Doug waved at him.
And then the two doctors shared a look and Doug simply huffed; "They do say doctors make the worst patients."
"Carter takes it to a whole other level."
0o0o0o00o0oo0ERo0o0o0o0o0oo0o
"Carter." Mark warned without looking up from the charts he was signing.
Both him and Doug were perched on chairs in the corner of the room. Doug was curled up with a blanket, his head on his fist as he slept, whilst Mark worked on catching up on his charts during the last few weeks.
Carter huffed and removed his hand yet again from scratching his IV. And he dramatically let his head fall back against his pillow in frustration.
0o0o0o0oERO0O0O0O0
2 minutes later...
"Leave it Carter." Doug grumbled in his sleep as Carter started flicking at his IV with an angry glare. He lifted a defiant glance wondering just how the hell Doug knew, and found the man watching him with one eye open as Mark sent him a raised eyebrow. The intense gaze from the two man had Carter's anger deflating.
"It itches." He complained weakly, and held up his arm; "And look it's all red!" It's true the whole are had a red splotch with bruising around the area; "That's not good."
The two doctors eyed him unimpressed.
"Carter." Doug replied monotonously as he closed his eyes again; "You did that. Because You. Wont. Stop. Scratching. It!"
"Because I want it out!" Carter found himself yelling and then blinked in surprise wondering where that came from, along with Mark and Doug. The latter instantly sitting up wide awake in surprise.
"Carter." Mark said slowly in concern, moving to set his charts aside and intending to stand to give Carter his full attention.
"I want it out. Just take it out." Carter rushed out shaking his head, suddenly feeling his chest constrict and he started tugging at his IV. So fed up and frustrated, and claustrophobic like it was choking him, he was going to pull it out himself. He winced and hissed at the sharp pain as it was ripping out, blood starting to seep out, but he didn't stop.
"CARTER NO!"
"Hey hey stop!"
Both doctors came rushing over and grabbed Carter's arms to stop him. Doug holding his arm back as Mark fixed the IV and cleaned up the blood.
"Carter you can't do that!" Mark huffed in frustration; "That's really dangerous, you could knick a vein and cause serious damage! You know that!"
Carter just looked at Mark replacing the IV and tears sprung in his eyes at the frustration and terror of the IV being replaced. It did nothing to help the claustrophobia dissipate. And he was suddenly seeing flashbacks of memories he really didn't want to relieve.
"Woah hey buddy what's wrong." Doug's eyes widened at the tears, and softened his hold on Carter; "What's with the tears?"
"Are you hurt? Are you in pain?" Mark eyed Carter's vitals in alarm as his heart rate sped up and oxygen dropped. He was terrified another panic attack was forming.
"I can't take this anymore!" Carter huffed, all the fight just draining out of him as he leant his head back to stare at the ceiling. Just trying to calm himself down. But it was all just too much.
"What? What can't you take anymore?"
"I need to get out here. Please just get me out of here. I'm fine I'm getting better,, just let me go. I need to get out of here." Carter rambled looking at them with such desperation it shocked them. They knew Carter loved the hospital and they got it was a hard recovery for him, but this caught them off guard.
"Ok ok calm down Carter. It's ok. You're ok. You're safe here." Mark murmured soothingly as Doug started carding through Carter's hair in comfort.
"Talk to us." Doug pressed gently; "What's going on up here?" He gently tapped Carter's forehead and carried on carding through his hair.
"I just...it's too much...It's bringing up too many bad memories." He found himself confessing before he could stop himself.
Doug stilled his hand movements as he and Mark shared a look.
"Bobby?" Doug whispered in realisation.
It all made sense now. Nearly dying, and seeing Bobby, being reminded of his brother's death. And all the mess with his parents. It's not surprising it was bringing up bad memories.
Carter couldn't talk and only nod as he wiped at his eyes furiously, wincing as he jarred his IV. He eyed the lead in frustration again and terror when he found himself flashing back to seeing his brother in a similar medical bed in a similar looking room. He had all these wires and leads attached to him too, and all the nurses and doctors were bustling around running tests and constantly poking and prodding him. And Carter remembered just how sick Bobby looked, getting weaker and weaker every time he saw him. And he often overheard the doctors and nurses talking about how he wasn't getting better and that he was going to die...hearing that and just knowing his brother was never going to get better it was like they stabbed him in the heart. All Carter could think about now as he lay in this bed was why was he alive? Why was it that Bobby was the one to get sick and die? Why did Carter survive when he had such life threatening injuries? How is that fair? It just felt wrong...And he felt like he was hurting his brother's memories by taunting the fact that he was alive and his brother wasn't.
"...Carter hey Carter?"
Blinking Carter looked dazed at Mark and Doug, his mind suddenly dragged back to the present and away from back in his brother's hospital room.
"Are you ok?" Mark asked hesitantly, already sensing the answer.
"I er..." Carter was at a loss for words and could just shrug and wave his hand.
Mark nodded in understanding; "I can only imagine what you're feeling right now. It must be hard being reminded of your brother like this..." He hedged cautiously, knowing it was a controversial issue and didn't want to upset Carter even more.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Doug murmured as he leant back to meet Carter's gaze with concern.
Shaking his head Carter closed his eyes; "No I can't." He could never talk about his brother, with anyone, it was just too painful. Especially now.
"That's ok." Mark assured him with a smile; "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do."
"What do you need?" Doug asked seriously.
"To get out of here." Carter quipped and smirked at them hoping to lighten the mood but their serious expressions were unfazed. They were worried. He made them worry because he was so damn messed up.
"Ugh god." Carter said frustrated as he pressed the heel of hand into his eyes.
"Woah hey don't do that Carter." Doug chastised gently prying his hand from his face; "Don't get mad at yourself. It's ok to feel whatever you're feeling."
"I'm a mess." Carter corrected huffing and looking down at his lap; "I don't even know what's going on with me. My head is just all over the place and I just feel so..."
"So what?" Mark murmured quietly.
"So angry. And sad and tired...I'm so so tired of having to stay strong and fight all the time. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm just so tired." He's had to fight to lock down his emotions his whole life, because his family taught him not to show weakness, and as a doctor you couldn't get emotional over patients, you had to detach yourself. But it still hurt; "It hurts so much."
Nodding Doug murmured; "It's ok to feel that way Carter. It's ok to feel period."
"You can't keep locking your feelings away Carter." Mark added; "It's not good to bottle things up."
"You're hurting but the only way to get through that, the hurt and the pain, is to let yourself feel it."
Carter wasn't sure he could. Losing his brother hurt so much, and to have to go through that all again. He wasn't sure he could. And losing his family like this, it was the worst way possible. Because they chose to leave him, they actually abandoned him. That hurt more than anything. Especially when he realised that they loved Bobby more than him. What was wrong with him? This was all just so unfair...
"Why am I alive?"
The question shocked Mark and Doug, and they were left speechless for a moment, struggling to respond.
"Carter you..."
"He didn't. But I did. Why did I survive and he didn't?" Carter lifted his gaze to look pleadingly at his friends. It wasn't rhetorical. He really needed an answer to this question. It was one he'd asked him his whole life but was now more important than ever.
They immediately realised that he was talking about his brother and shared concerned glances. Because how were they supposed to answer that question?
"Carter there's no real reason behind why some people die and some survive." Doug reasoned gently; "We've all seen it as doctors how some people with serious injuries survive but others with minor injuries get complications and don't make it. Sometimes there isn't a reason. Sometimes things just happen and don't work out. You have to accept that what happened with your brother was not your fault and there is nothing you could have done. It's just the way life panned out I'm afraid. But it has no bearing on you."
"It's not fair." Carter exclaimed in a huff, tears slipping down his face; "Why was he the one who got sick? It should have been me."
"Carter no!..."
"It should have been me. My parents would have rather it was me I know that. Why wasn't it me? Bobby deserved to live and I..."
"You what?" Doug snapped fuming now; "You think you deserve to die Carter?" The thought terrified Doug that Carter actually believed that. It was just so wrong, and it scared him and Mark that Carter might do something drastic with these thoughts.
Furrowing his brow Carter shook his head; "I don't want to die." He said scared, because he didn't. And knowing how close he came terrified him to his core. That wasn't where he was going with this; "I just...I know that I deserve to live, I'm not suicidal." He quickly assured them seeing it in their faces; "I'm just saying Bobby deserved it more."
"How can you say that Carter?" Mark pressed sharply moving to sit on the bed beside him sending him a fierce look; "Why would you think you deserve it less?"
"Bobby was better." Carter shrugged because it was just true. He wasn't sure why but Bobby was the golden child to his parents, and he was like the black sheep of the family. Nothing he ever did was enough. He was never good enough.
"Because your parents thought so?" Doug pressed and nodded furiously in realisation. Getting even more pissed over at Carter's parents. God all he wanted to do was go give them a piece of his mind. No one should treat their child like that.
"Carter that is just so messed up. You realise that it's not true right?" Doug said slowly but firmly, trying to meet Carter's gaze to ensure the message got through. But Carter refused to meet his eyes, and he just knew. Carter believed it. His parents had messed with his head so much he refused to accept any other view about himself. And that was very serious. Because Carter was in a very dark place right now and they worried he wouldn't get out of it alone.
"Carter." Mark started hesitantly; "Have you ever considered...talking to someone?" He had been thinking about this ever since he found out about Carter's parents and Carter being homeless. But he was wary to bring it up with Carter knowing his reaction.
Lifting his head, he eyed Mark confused; "About what?"
Mark shared a glance with Doug uncertain how to broach this topic.
And it was like Carter was hit with a bucket of cold water. He just knew. He saw it in their eyes.
"You think I need a shrink?!" Hurt and a strong wave of betrayal hit Carter, and he looked at them in horror and anger. Instantly he batted Doug's hand away from his head and flinched away from Mark, suddenly not liking their probing intense gaze anymore. Suddenly feeling like they were treating him like a caged animal or something.
"Carter we're not saying anything." Mark said gently and quickly, seeing on Carter's face how upset he was getting.
"We're just worried about you and want to help." Doug added quickly holding up his hands in a peaceful gesture; "You've been through a lot lately, not just with your injuries but with your family, and your brother..." Doug treaded carefully; "It might help to talk about it."
"I'm not crazy!"
"We're not saying anything of the sort!" Mark said panicked holding up a hand to Carter to stop him; "Of course you're not."
"Carter." Doug sighed as he pulled a stool over to sit down beside his bed and met his eyes; "We all know that there is a stigma around seeing a therapist but as a doctor you know better than anyone that there is nothing wrong with it. It helps people. It is nothing to be ashamed of. And we are certainly not judging you. We care about you Carter. We only want to help."
"We know this is hard Carter." Mark persisted; "We may not understand everything you're going through, but we get that it's hard. We see you struggling. And that is ok. You don't have to hold all this stuff in and be afraid to show weakness or vulnerability. It's ok to let people help you."
"It's ok to let people in." Doug quickly interjected; "You're not alone Carter."
Those words made Carter still and his anger quickly deflated as he flashed back to Bobby's words.
"You have to stop pushing yourself so hard Carter. We get you want to get out of here and get back to normal life. But it's going to take time to heal, not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. You've been through a great trauma and that is going to take time to overcome. Time and help." Mark emphasised leaning forward to squeeze Carter's arm; "You have to stop pushing us away. We only want to help you through this, but you have to trust us and listen to us when we're telling to rest and not mess with your IV." He said sharply but with a smirk but earned a tiny almost invisible smile on Carter's lips.
"I'm sorry." Carter grimaced, suddenly realising how horrible he'd treated them. He'd been a terrible friend and patient; "I've been hard on you all and I know I'm annoying and you don't want to deal with my drama..."
"Hey we didn't say anything like that." Doug said frowning at him sending him a look to get that thought out of his head; "You can be angry and upset all you want. You have every right to feel what you feel. But let us help you. We only want to help you get better."
"I don't know how." Carter looked at them pained and frustrated. They didn't understand; "I'm used to just relying on myself. That's how I was raised." He remarked bitterly; "I was taught to be strong and not show vulnerability. That asking for help was a sign of weakness and I had to lock my emotions away and not let anyone see them. I have to stay in control all the time."
"That has to be hard." Doug murmured sympathetically; "Fighting to stay in control all the time. Putting these walls up to keep people out and lock all your emotions away." Doug was sure that the walls weren't just from how he was raised by his awful parents but losing his brother at such a young age. That had to have been so hard and it was clearly still haunting Carter, so the walls were probably a protection so Carter wouldn't get close enough to someone to feel that kind of hurt again. And it was just so sad. Because whilst it may protect Carter from getting hurt, he could never get close to someone, never really let anyone see the real him.
Carter just shrugged in response to Doug. What was he suppose to say? That he was terrified to lose that control he had, terrified to let himself feel the emotions he locked down inside because it all just hurt too much and he wasn't sure it was something he was strong enough to overcome. The truth was he was weak, and he didn't want anyone to see the real him. No one would like the real him. Especially Mark and Doug. Who were two very strong men, and amazing doctors.
"You have to let it go Carter." Mark insisted; "You have to let that control go and let yourself feel. You can't keep bottling it up, it will eat away at you and destroy you if you don't. We're not going to judge you or discriminate against you for feeling whatever you're feeling. Or for being weak or vulnerable. We all are. It's human."
That made Carter think for a moment, and he hesitated wondering if maybe they were right. It did make sense. Being human was being vulnerable and having emotions.
"No one's perfect Carter." Doug mused and smirked; "We certainly aren't. So you don't have to be either."
Bobby's words echoed in his mind. That Doug and Mark really did care about him and he had to let them in...he wanted to. They were his friends and he cared for them too but...he just wasn't sure he could. What if they saw what his parents saw in him and realised they didn't want anything to do him either?
"We're your friends Carter and we're like a family here." Doug offered hesitantly unsure how Carter would take this but he hoped it would help reassure Carter; "We got your back and we're not going to abandon you like your family did. We're not going anywhere, we're here for you if you want us to be or not."
Finally, the message started to sink in. Carter felt it as his shoulders sagged, like it felt like the weight of the world wasn't on his shoulder anymore, and he could breath again. And Doug and Mark saw it as the haunting and pain in Carter's eyes eased and a small smile crossed his face.
"Ok."
Mark and Doug shared a look.
"Ok what?"
"Ok...I will...try." Carter sighed; "I can't promise anything but I will try to let you guys in. I want to. I don't want to lose you guys...not you too." He couldn't handle losing all his friends at the hospital as well. They were all he had left and he had to let them in. For Bobby.
"You're not going to lose us Carter." Mark assured him with a warm smile; "Nothing will make that happen."
"Even if you push us away we're not going to let you."
"Good." Carter replied self consciously, and it made Doug and Mark smile as they realised they were making progress.
"Good."
"You should get some rest Carter." Mark said patting his arm when he saw how tired the resident was. The talk clearly tired him out.
Honestly, Mark expected a fight and Carter to pull a funny face as he refused. Even if he was bone dead tired, if Carter was told to go to sleep he refused simply because he was told to.
"Ok yeah." Carter sighed as he leant back into the bed and closed his eyes; "I'm pretty tired and sore all over."
Doug looked shocked and impressed at Mark like he had just accomplished something miraculous.
But just as Carter was drifting off he snapped his head up and looked at them in anguish and fear; "You'll stay right?"
He instantly grimaced realising how pathetic and clingy he sounded. And he waited for the look of annoyance and disgust that he knew his parents would have done to his childish request.
But Doug and Mark merely smiled at him with warmth and concern.
"Of course buddy." Doug started carding through his hair again in a soothing motion as Mark patted his arm. The affection felt so strange to Carter, he'd never been hugged by his parents or grandparents, they'd never even really touched him at all. So whilst this felt foreign, it also felt really nice. Like coming home.
"Rest Carter. We'll be here." Mark murmured quietly as Carter drifted off again; "We got you."
