Chapter 20
Christmas Day...
Carter couldn't believe it but he was finally being discharged!
His pneumonia had finally cleared up, his concussion was basically gone, only leaving him with a mild headache. He still had a broken leg and arm, but it was healing and he wasn't required to stay in the hospital to be monitored anymore.
Carter was so happy to be leaving this damn hospital bed.
But a part of him was also terrified at leaving, the hospital he knew, and he trusted it, he felt safe here. But when he left here he would be staying with Mark. For how long? He had no idea.
When Peter, Doug and Mark had first told him he was cleared for discharge his worry was about where he would be staying, but Mark immediately just declared he was still going to be staying with him and it wasn't up for discussion. A part of Carter was relieved and a part hoped Mark had changed his mind. He tried to argue against it that it wasn't necessary, but Mark was insistent. And Doug and Peter had put the nail in the coffin by saying he had to stay with someone to keep an eye on him because of his broken leg and arm, and in case he had any long lasting symptoms from his concussion or pneumonia. Carter knew that whilst that may be true, it was just an excuse, they really didn't want to leave him alone because they were scared what he might do to himself. Which was just ridiculous. He wasn't going to hurt himself, he wouldn't do that, but he supposed he understood where they were coming wrong. They were worried about him, and he kind of liked that. They cared atleast. His parents didn't. It was nice to actually have people who cared.
So he relented in staying with Mark. Even if he did feel like a burden to the attending. He was trying to let some of that control go a little like they wanted him to. Because really all he was thinking right now was that he needed to get through this alone, that he needed to figure out a way to get an apartment himself and look after himself. It felt like weakness to rely on them to look after him, like he was a child who couldn't look after himself. He could just imagine the look of disgust on his father's face if he was to see him now. It just felt wrong but he didn't have any other choice. And that secretly relieved him, because he didn't want to be alone right now anyway. Being alone meant he had no choice but to face the dark thoughts in his head about his parents and Bobby and nearly dying...and those all just hurt too much. Especially Bobby. And he was desperate for any kind of distraction from those thoughts. He hoped being with Mark would help with that.
0o0oo0o0oERo0o0o0o0o0
As Carter sat in a wheelchair in his room in some fresh sweats, staring out the window. His broken leg perched up, and his crutches beside him.
He was waiting for them to discharge him and Mark to take him back to his place. Carter wasn't going to call it home because it wasn't. It was temporary. Carter didn't plan on staying with Mark for too long, as soon as he was well enough he'd find a way to get his own place and be on his own again. He meant it when he said he would try to let go of some of his control and let them in, and he was going to, but it was just better for everyone if he was on his own.
The sound of the door opening had Carter snapping his head towards it, his expression anxious and hopeful.
When Doug strolled in with a smile, Carter's own smile slipped a little in disappointment, and he looked away to hide it. But Doug caught it, and tilted his head in confusion. He would had assumed Carter would have been happier right now with finally being discharged and getting out the hospital.
"Hey bud." Doug said brightly as he strolled over dragging a stool over to perch on in front of Carter; "Peter and Mark are just signing your discharge papers and getting your medication. Shouldn't be long now and you and Mark can head home. Sound good?"
"Yeah." Carter offered a small smile as he played with his fingers to try and contain how antsy he was.
"You feeling ok?" Doug narrowed his eyes; "No symptoms or pain right?"
"Nope I'm good." Carter met his eyes and nodded; "Ready to go."
"Hmm." Doug murmured dubiously; "Because you wouldn't lie to me would you?" He absolutely believed that Carter would lie about his symptoms if it meant he could leave the hospital.
Carter's jaw hardened not liking how Doug spoke to him like a child; "No." He said sharply glaring at Doug; "I said I'm fine."
"You're doing it again." Doug murmured softly sending Carter a sad look, no judgment or annoyance on his face.
Surprised Carter looked at Doug baffled for a moment, until it finally registered.
"Ugh." Covering his face Carter groaned loudly; "What's wrong with me?" It was just instinct to snap and push Doug away.
Gently and silently prying Carter's hand from his face sending him smile; "Nothing is wrong with you Carter. Remember what we talked about? Give yourself a break." Releasing his hand Doug leant his forearms on his legs to study Carter; "What's going on hmm? I thought you'd be happy to be leaving here."
"I am. I am really." Carter emphasised.
"But...?"
"But..." Carter shrugged and the sound of footsteps passing Carter's door had him automatically snapping his head to the sound. But when they passed and didn't come into his room, he deflated.
Doug watched in curiosity, and looked between the door and Carter trying to connect the dots of what was going on with Carter. It was when Carter sagged and looked out the window it clicked.
"Oh." Doug felt sad and pissed off at the realisation; "Carter I'm sorry." What else could Doug say?
"I know I know. I'm pathetic." Rolling his eyes Carter ruffled his hair in anger; "It's stupid I know. After everything they put me through...Still...I thought they'd come you know." He looked at Doug pleading for him to understand; "They're still my parents. My family. Even if they say they're not they still are."
"I know bud. And whilst I hate your parents and family for what they put you through. I get it." Doug murmured softly; "But Carter...you aren't stupid and it is not pathetic to feel this way. Even if they hurt you, they're still your parents of course you want them to come."
"Why do I still feel like I need their affection and their praise?!" Carter huffed in frustration, angry at himself that he was still letting his parents affect him this way, they still had control over him even as an adult; "After all they put me through my whole life, why am I so desperate to have them accept me and love me? I want to be mad at them, of course I'm mad at them. I'm so angry. But mostly I'm just..."
"Just what?" Doug prompted when Carter trailed off.
"Sad." Carter whispered shaking his head and closing his eyes; "I'm just really sad."
"Yeah I know bud." Doug reached over and squeezed Carter's arm; "That's ok you know that right? To feel that. To feel everything you're feeling."
"Yeah I guess." Carter murmured and wiped his eyes. He was so mad at himself and sick of crying lately. It just felt like he was broken inside and he couldn't control his emotions anymore. And he really needed to try and find a way to supress them again. Even though Doug and Mark said to let himself feel that it was ok, Carter couldn't handle these intense waves of emotions.
"I hate to say it Carter." Doug started taking a deep breath; "But they aren't coming and they're not going to come. Ever." It was harsh and he felt like dirt for hurting Carter like that, but her knew he needed to hear it; "But that's on them. Not on you."
"Right yeah I know." Carter murmured ducking his head not wanting Doug to see how much that hurt.
Doug hated to see Carter like this, how much he was hurting and there was nothing they could do for him.
"You'll get through this Carter. I believe in you. We all believe in you. You're tough."
"Yeah." Sitting up straighter Carter took a deep breath locking away all that pain again, and nodded gratefully at Doug; "I'll get through this. I don't need them."
"Right exactly." Doug agreed, but he hated the fact that he could see Carter's walls coming back up and he was locking his emotions away again. It was clearly going to take time for Carter to recover from this, if ever.
He'd spoken with Mark and Peter, as well as Carol about how they were worried about how Carter was coping with all of this. He should really talk to a therapist about all this, it would help him. But Carter wasn't ready, and they couldn't force him. All they could do was be there for Carter through this and hope they were enough.
The door clicked open and this time Carter blankly looked up with no expectation, and smiled when he saw Mark and Peter walk in. Mark was the only one who wasn't in scrubs because he wasn't on shift. Carter was actually relieved for the first time it was his friends and not his family.
Progress.
"Hey Carter. We're got your discharge papers all done. And your final labs are good so you're cleared to go." Peter said as he glanced between Doug and Carter suspiciously, raising an eyebrow at the former to ask what they were talking about.
Doug just sent Peter a look that he handled it and it's fine, earning a subtle nod from Peter. It was the first time that Peter and Doug were actually on the same page about something.
"You all set to go?" Mark said clapping his hands together and smiling eagerly at Carter.
"Definitely." Carter replied with no hesitation.
"Great. Let's go." Mark murmured as he moved to stand behind Carter's wheelchair to help push him. Carter stiffened about to protest, he could push his own wheelchair, he wasn't totally helpless. But Doug laid a hand on his shoulder, and he turned to the doctor to find a soft smile on his face, and Carter relented and sagged and let it happen.
Let people in. Let them in. That's what Carter kept telling himself. It was hard but Carter was trying.
Smiling in relief that Carter was letting them help, Doug moved to grab Carter's crutches, and they all escorted Carter to the elevator.
When Doug pushed the button, Mark turned to murmur quietly to Peter about something. Carter glanced at them and then back at Doug.
"Dr Ross?" He murmured quietly and the older doctor turned curiously giving him his full attention.
"Yeah Carter? What's up?"
"I just...I wanted to say thanks...you for before." He gestured back at his room; "And well everything."
Doug merely smirked; "No problem bud."
"I'm serious." Carter said with uttermost sincerity; "Everything you guys have done for me, it means a lot."
His face solemn, Doug nodded and squeezed Carter's shoulder; "Your welcome Carter." Then he smiled and winked.
"You know you can call me Doug. Dr Ross sounds really weird now."
That earned a smirk from Carter; "But you guys call me Carter."
"Because that's your name Carter." Peter grumbled as the elevator opened and they all stepped inside. And that earned a smirk from Mark and Doug.
"So does this mean I can call you Mark and Peter now?" Carter earned smirking at Peter the most.
"Fine with me." Mark said as Peter snapped; "No way."
Doug snorted and rolled his eyes; "Lighten up Peter. I think Carter's earned the right now. Besides he does get a pass for putting up with your shit and not killing you during his surgery rotation."
Carter burst out laughing at Peter's affront face, earning a wink from Doug.
"Doug." Mark chastised gently but was smiling. It was good to see Carter happy and back like himself again.
"Whatever Ross." Peter snapped and sent a glare at Doug, but Carter could see there wasn't much heat behind it. That's the thing here, whilst the doctors may argue and banter with each other, they were all friends and all got along with each other. It was completely unlike his family. When they argued it was heated and every word was harsh and intended to hurt someone with no remorse. It just showed him how messed up his family was, and how happy he was that he had his friends here. Without them, he wasn't sure where he'd be.
0o0oooo0ooERo0o0o0o0o0o
As they reached the ground floor, of the ER, Carter was suddenly very nervous. The last time he'd been done here he had been injured and dying. Flashbacks of lying in the trauma room, in agony as his friends poked and prodded him. It rattled him, knowing that he himself was a patient in this hospital and nearly died. And he was suddenly very nervous to be back here, and seeing all his colleagues. They had seen him at his weakest, at his most vulnerable. He hated that. How was he supposed to come back here and work with everyone when they'd seen him like that? How was he supposed to regain his authority as a doctor leading the interns and nurses in traumas when they now saw him a weak frail person who was going through all this personal drama? He wasn't sure he could come back and face them again...
"Carter? You ok?"
Startled from his musings, Carter jumped and looked wide eyed at Peter narrowing his eyes as he stared at him from the elevator doorway, his hand holding the door open waiting for them to exit.
At that Mark paused as he was pushing Carter out, to lean to peer at him. And Doug froze as he was exiting, all of them turning alarmed to Carter. All fearing he wasn't feeling well.
Carter really didn't want to talk about this to them. Especially not here and now. He may be pushing them away again but he didn't care, there was some stuff he just wasn't ready to share with them.
"Yeah yep I'm all good." Carter forced a smile to them.
Doug narrowed his eyes as Peter raised an eyebrow.
"You sure Carter because whatever it is..."
"I'm sure." Carter interrupted firmly and with finality hoping they didn't push harder; "Let's go." He nodded at them to keep going. He just wanted to leave the hospital as quick as possible without facing anyone. He hoped it was a quiet day in the ER.
"Ookkayy." Doug drawled as he sent a dubious and suspicious look at Carter but exited the elevator anyway after Peter.
Carter drew out a relieved breath and ducked his head, planning to avoid eye contact with everyone and everything at all cost and just focus on leaving as soon as possible.
They were making good progress. They were just passing the trauma rooms and heading towards the exit when Carter heard it.
Christmas music.
All too familiar Christmas music which gave Carter flashbacks of stumbling around the ER after trying to treat himself from the car accident...the pain he felt...the fear...right before the darkness overtook him. And then he was hearing the Christmas music as he walking the streets seeing happy families...and the kids...getting hit by the car...
He felt sick.
It felt like the Christmas music was like stabbing him in the heart and head over and over again.
At this point he was so over Christmas and just wanted to start the next year and start fresh.
Before Carter realised what was happening instead of turning towards the exit, Mark turned Carter towards the ER and the admins desk.
"Hey what are you...?"
"SURPRISE CARTER!"
A whole chorus of voices suddenly yelled making him jump, and he looked around wide eyed to see all his friends and colleagues standing around the admins desk and ER smiling at him, all dressed up all Christmassy in some way and clapping. And there was a sign up above the desk saying Get Well Soon!
"Wha...what is this?" Carter stammered nervously feeling claustrophic all of a sudden. This was just too much. He didn't deserve this and he didn't want it. And having them all staring at him like this, all he wanted to do was curl in on himself and hide.
"Well you missed the Christmas Party Carter and we wanted to make up for that." Carol said cheerfully as she suddenly appeared beside Doug wearing elf ears, and whipped a Santa hat from behind her back with a giddy grin, swiftly moving to set it on his head.
Carter just reacted on instinct, he didn't even think about it and he just flinched away from her. It wasn't her. It was the hat. It was Christmas. God he hated Christmas so much.
Bobby was a big part of that. He used to love Christmas when Bobby was alive. He had so many fun memories of time with his brother, but in another way not enough. And after her died, Christmas just became horrible for him with his family. They didn't want to celebrate and just ignored him, or they threw a big holiday party and forced Carter to act a certain way to help the company. He barely even got any presents as a kid...In fact the only good memories he had of Christmas was when Bobby was alive. But they hurt so much now. Especially at Christmas time. The season just reminded him of all that he lost...and all the pain and sadness.
Murmuring and sharp looks had Carter suddenly realising what he just did. And he darted his eyes anxiously to see everyone looking at him concerned.
He had to think of something quick before they got really worried, and there was no way he was confessing the truth about his feelings about Christmas.
"Sorry." Carter forced a sheepish smile; "Caught me off guard." He chuckled nervously and then planted a large smile on his face that was totally fake as he looked around at everyone; "This is really nice. Thanks guys. It means a lot."
It was a really nice gesture, it was. Carter saw that. They were just genuinely trying to do something nice for him, as his friends. That did mean something to him. But...still it just hurt too much.
Doug shared a look with Mark, both knowing Carter too well to see that he was lying and clearly uncomfortable. They just didn't know why.
"Great!"
"Woo!"
"Let's get this party started!"
Suddenly Jerry cranked up the volume making loud Christmas music blare from all around, and soon everyone was laughing as they mingled and danced around. All having fun together...all except Carter.
Before he knew what was happening, soon he was surrounded by people all trying to express their happiness he was getting better and asking all these questions about how he was, and his recovery. Thankfully, he was used to this type of thing from all the parties he was forced to attend from a young age, so he shoved all his emotions and thoughts away, put back that control and forced a smile and played along. This was natural for him. Playing an act. And he was good at it. Clearly, because everyone believed him.
The party was soon in full swing, everyone eating and drinking as they danced and chatted along to the music. Even some of the minor injured patients were joining in.
Everyone was feeling the Christmas spirit. Except Carter.
What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he let himself be happy? He should be happy, he wanted to be, he wanted to have fun with his friends, but something held him back...
Feeling claustrophobic again, Carter was relieved to be able to slip out from the party unnoticed. Wheeling himself out into the ambulance bay, just taking a moment to get some fresh air and look up at the stars and the light snowing falling. It was so peaceful, so beautiful and for a moment all of Carter's thoughts and emotions just slipped away. It was nice.
0o0o0oo0oERo0o0ooo0
Doug was finally relaxing, he had the love of his life in his arms as they danced along to All I Want For Christmas Is You, his friends all around him, and Carter was finally going to be ok. It made him think that Christmas miracles did happen.
"So Paris hmm?" Carol murmured softly as she caressed the back of his neck, her arms looped around his neck.
Doug smiled as he held her waist tighter, swaying on the spot and raised an eyebrow; "Paris." He agreed searching her eyes hopefully; "What do you think?"
"I think that I love you with all my heart and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you." Carol murmured with a contended sigh as she looked lovingly into his eyes, feeling nothing but happiness in that moment. The last few weeks had been so stressful with worry over Carter, but watching Doug as he cared for Carter, how mature and responsible he was now, how caring and selfless. It made her realise how much he'd grown and changed into the man she loved more and more.
Doug's eyes widened in happiness; "Yeah?"
Carol smirked and sent him a look; "I'm not talking marriage. Yet." She said and watched his eyes light up in happiness, and it made her giddy thinking about marrying him. Before it was terrifying, but now she could picture it. Their future and it made her happy. She did want it, but not quite yet.
"But someday." Carol finished softly and moved to caress his cheek; "Maybe soon maybe later, but I don't care as long as we're together."
"Same here. I love you so much."
"I love you too."
"So Paris?" Doug said waggling his eyebrows and winking.
It made Carol burst out laughing; "Yes Paris. I can't wait."
Doug couldn't wait any longer and he kissed her. Carol smiling as she kissed him back.
They carried on dancing and Doug finally felt happy for the first time in his life.
0o0o0oo0oERo0o0oo0oo
Meanwhile Mark was suddenly noticing how Carter was no where in sight.
Passing Jerry on his search he asked the man; "Hey you seen Carter?"
"Hmm." With a mouthful of cookies, Jerry pointed sheepishly towards the ambulance bay; "M'thi'k 'ent tsidee." Jerry grumbled.
Mark just looked at him; "Right thanks." With a smirk Mark strolled outside to check on Carter. He was still worried and just wanted to make sure this wasn't too much for the young resident.
It didn't take long to find Carter in his wheelchair, sitting outside looking up at the stars.
"Hey Carter. Been looking for you." Mark said casually not wanting to alarm him. And he simply slipped a large black coat around his shoulders, the same style as the one he was wearing.
"Thanks." Carter mumbled quietly glancing at him briefly.
Mark stood beside Carter for a moment, hands in his pocket as he gave Carter a moment but stayed close so Carter wasn't alone. He sensed Carter had a lot on his mind, and he was still determined to show Carter they were there for him.
"I love the stars." Carter suddenly murmured and Mark glanced at him waiting patiently for him to continue.
"When we were kids Bobby and I..." Carter's voice caught and he had to close his eyes to reign in his emotions. Then clearing his throat he continued; "Bobby and I used to camp outside and look at the stars a lot. It was nice because I used to pretend we were the only two people in the whole world and all the drama and stuff with my parents and everything all just fell away. It was the happiest I ever been."
Mark stayed silent, allowing Carter to express his thoughts and emotions.
"I miss him." Carter whispered; "So much."
"I know Carter." Mark murmured back just as soft. He could only imagine how hard it was to lose your brother so young.
So many thoughts and memories were swirling in Carter's head, he struggled to make sense of them. And he struggled to keep them all in so something was bound to slip out...
"I hate Christmas."
As soon as the words were out of his mouth Carter sensed Mark snap his head to look at him with an intense gaze, but Carter couldn't bare to look back at him and see the shock or pity on his face.
Mark was shocked, he wasn't going to deny it, he was. Because it was so unexpected. He got that some people weren't fond of Christmas, and found it annoying, but it was hard to imagine someone truly hating Christmas. Especially Carter, who was so usually happy and so innocent, Mark just assumed Carter would be one of those people who loved everything about Christmas. Guess the saying was true that you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, and there was so much about Carter that they didn't know.
Hearing that just made Mark feel sad. He wasn't going to ask why because it wasn't hard to guess why. Carter's stupid parents continue to find ways to hurt Carter and it just pissed Mark off.
Carter took Mark's silence as a bad sign. Was he disgusted with him now?
Hearing the music inside and the laughter, Mark snapped his head towards the ER and grimaced; "Oh...the party. God Carter I'm so sorry." He felt awful now. The idea for the party was in the hope of cheering Carter up, it was meant to be fun, and to show Carter they were his family now. But to know the truth now, Mark felt terrible for putting Carter through this, no wonder he flinched away from Carol when she tried to put the Santa hat on him.; "Do you want to get out of here? Because I can just take you home and tell the guys you weren't feeling great. They won't mind." The last thing Mark wanted was to make Carter more upset and uncomfortable.
Home. That made Carter pause, because Mark's home wasn't home to him. He didn't have a home...he wasn't sure he had one in a long time...maybe never...So the prospect of going to Mark's place filled him with anxiety.
The alternative, did he want to stay at the party? Hearing laughter and the music thumping from inside, Carter glanced back inside in envy. Everyone was just so happy right now, why couldn't he?
"Carter?" Mark pressed; "What do you want?"
That question made something snap inside Carter. No ever asks him what he wants, no one has cared before, especially his parents.
He looked inside and listened to the music and laughter and then at Mark and just...let go. He was tired of fighting and staying in control, and these people were like his parents and family. They were his friends, and they cared. They did this for him, they tried to do something nice to make him happy. Because that's what a real family does.
He had to stop pushing them away.
"You know what I want..." Carter murmured flicking his gaze to Mark and smiled; "I want to have some fun." It had been so long since he just let go and have fun. He was trying to let them in, and maybe this was the first step.
"Fun?" Mark repeated slowly and raised an eyebrow; "So...you want to come back to the party?"
Straightening up Carter replied without hesitation; "Yes."
Smiling Mark nodded; "Alright then. Let's have some fun."
Mark helped wheel Carter back inside, and immediately he had his friends swarming him wanting to talk, and offering him food and drink. This time when he smiled it was totally real as he felt happy for the first time in a long time.
As the evening drew on Carter finally let go and had fun with his friends, joining in on some games and even shockingly taking part in singing along to some Christmas songs.
What surprised Carter the most was when presents were being handed out by Jerry dressed as Santa (Really?) that he handed a few to Carter.
"Merry Christmas Carter!"
Sitting there with brightly and poorly wrapped presents in his lap, Carter realised he couldn't remember the last time he received a Christmas present. It had to be when he was around 9...god that was so long ago. Having these presents now though, Carter felt like a kid again.
"Well go on Carter open them up! Some of us would like to get home before New Years." Peter prompted waving at him impatiently earning a laugh from everyone.
With a moment of hesitation where he doubted he deserved these presents or even wanted them, he then thought screw it and tore them open.
The first was the ugliest and most ridiculous Christmas jumper he'd ever seen. Like Santa threw up on it. It was bright lime green with a bunch of cartoon elf on it.
Mark eyed Doug nervously, remembering what Carter said about hating Christmas. Fearing this was going to set him off.
"What do you think Carter?" Doug asked smiling nervously, the gift being from him. He too now wearing an ugly Santa Christmas Jumper along with Carol's ugly Rudolph jumper. He thought they were fun, and at Christmas who cares what you wear. As long as you're happy and having fun with your friends and family. That's what Christmas was about.
"I think it's so totally ugly and cringy." Carter said scrunching his face up, making Doug frown in hurt. But then Carter broke into a huge smile; "It's perfect. I love it!"
Relived breaths went out all around as Mark and Doug shared a happy face.
The truth was a part of Carter did hate it and before he wouldn't be seen dead anywhere near a jumper like this. Most of all because it was Christmas related. But seeing it, it just made him think of Bobby. And Bobby would have loved this. He adored anything and everything Christmas and if he was still alive Carter knew he would be making Carter wear jumpers like this all the time just to make himself laugh. He could see Bobby looking down at him smiling broadly in amusement and happiness. And that made Carter happy too.
The next few presents Carter opened was a new bag, a new coat and some gloves and a hat. They were surprisingly a nice gesture. Which he appreciated given what happened to his own from the car accident.
What Carter loved the most was the last gift though. As he tore off the paper he was left speechless to find a small 6x4 framed photo. Of all of them huddled around the admin desk in their scrubs and lab coats. All either smiling or making funny faces. Carter remembered this photo. It was from Carol's birthday a few months ago when they had thrown Carol a surprise party at work and Jerry had declared he was taking a picture of everyone.
That had been a fun day.
It was such a thoughtful gift because as he looked at all the smiling faces around him who stood near the centre with Mark's arm around him, beside Doug and Carol. And he was smiling so much he looked so happy. And he was. Because he was with some really great friends.
No.
His family. His real family.
"Carter you ok?"
Mark asked quietly leaning forward in concern. He had wanted Carter to have the photo to remember he wasn't alone and they were there for him, but maybe it was a bad idea.
Carter simply answered with a smile; "I'm good."
As the party carried on, Carter looked around at everyone having fun and then back down at the picture and found he couldn't stop smiling.
Maybe Christmas wasn't so bad after all when you spent it with those you loved.
Carter didn't need his parents or grandparents, he was better off without them. Here and now Carter had finally found his true family. And for the first time in so long he was happy and had finally found his real home.
THE END.
