Ionic
It was rare for Olivia Benson to have an evening completely to herself. They'd wrapped up a major (life-draining, heart-wrenching, stomach-twisting) case that day, and Noah was at a sleepover with a friend from dance. After she'd dropped him off, she'd been tempted to go back to the precinct, if only to distract herself with overdue paperwork. But she'd resisted and gone home, hoping that she would soon fall asleep and put this horrible week behind her.
As she was dressing for bed after a long, hot bath that only relaxed her by a fraction, a knock was heard on her door. Immediately on her guard, Olivia walked out of her room and down her hallway. When she looked through the peephole, she sighed before opening the door.
There stood Elliot, dressed casually in a black Henley shirt and jeans, and carrying a bag of Chinese takeout.
Olivia was so drained of energy or fight that she simply asked, "Fin called?"
Elliot, drinking in the sight of her in those same pajamas she'd worn when he'd shown up here high out of his mind, nodded. "He also said you barely ate anything today."
Olivia snorted and stepped aside for him to walk in. "Neither did he."
"Yeah, well, he has Phoebe to take care of him now," said Elliot, closing and locking the door behind him. "What about you?"
Olivia let out a hollow laugh as she walked to her couch and ungracefully flopped down on it. "You know, Chief Garland said something similar to me last year. I'd been held hostage in a restaurant all day, and he'd told me to go home and let someone else take care of me. I almost laughed in his face."
Elliot followed her to the couch, put the takeout bag on the coffee table, and carefully sat down beside her. "I would have come if you called, Liv."
"How could I, Elliot?" Olivia immediately replied, not looking at him. "You were a disaster and had just told me that I was pulling you under when I tried to help and went to Angela Wheatley instead."
Elliot grimaced, knowing that she was right. The fact that she was being so blunt told him just how exhausted and sad she really was. And after what Fin had told him about the case they'd worked that week, it didn't surprise him. He also remembered what Fin had told him before he hung up: 'If you go to her, remember that this isn't all about you.'
So, Elliot reached for the bag and pulled out the cartons of food as he said, "Well, I'm here now, and there's nowhere else – and no one else – I'd rather be with."
But Olivia wasn't quite ready to give in, despite her exhaustion. "Suspension really that boring that you came here? I mean, I've barely seen you since Christmas. That has to be why you're suddenly free to see me."
Elliot sighed. Of course Olivia had found out what his confrontation in an elevator with Richard Wheatley had gotten him. "The last thing I wanted to do was give either Wheatley another reason to look at you again. I didn't want you to get hurt again." He looked pointedly at her ankle.
Olivia finally looked at him properly. To be fair, they'd been in steady communication over phone since Christmas – he hadn't ghosted her again. He looked tired but his eyes were bright, sincere, and warm. His lack of excuses and honesty were beginning to cause another wall around her heart to crumble. Sitting beside him on the couch, him looking at her like that after the week she'd had, all she wanted was to curl up in his arms and cry herself to sleep as he held her tightly. And that frightened her. So she got up from the sofa and walked to the window, facing away from him.
"Elliot, what is this?"
Always so in-sync, Elliot knew just how deep that question ran. "Finding balance in this friendship, Liv."
Olivia shook her head, crossing her arms and fighting back tears. "Whatever this is, it's not friendship. It's never been just…friendship…this bond between us. It's still there, even after you've hurt me so much…and that scares me, El."
Elliot stood up and, slowly and carefully so as not to startle her, walked towards her. "I know, Liv…it's almost ionic."
Her brow furrowed and she almost laughed. "What? Are you a scientist now? And what does that even mean?"
"I was helping Eli with his chemistry homework last night," Elliot explained as he stopped right behind her. She could see their reflections in the dark reflection of the window. "I can't remember the exact definition, but it's a bond formed on a molecular level. So it's deep…and it's powerful. And if it hasn't broken by now, I doubt it ever will, Liv."
His hands slowly came up to rest on her upper arms, and she didn't object when he gently rubbed them. His aroma and warmth were having a strong effect on her, eventually leading to her leaning back against him and shutting her eyes. His arms wrapped around her middle as he rested his chin on her shoulder, pressing his cheek to hers. They swayed, shifting weight from one foot to the other, dancing in silence to a music only their souls could hear.
But it only lasted a minute. Olivia eventually opened her eyes, narrowed them, and asked, "Is that peanut butter on your breath?"
Elliot grinned sheepishly. "I was with Maureen and the boys today, and their favorite snack is peanut butter crackers."
Olivia smiled. "That's one of Noah's favorites, too."
The spell was broken completely then by the sound of Olivia's stomach growling. Olivia blushed and Elliot laughed and took a step back. Rubbing her arms again, he said, "Come on, my friend Olivia, you need food," and then gently led her back to the sofa.
They ate in silence at first, but eventually Olivia began to talk. She didn't talk about the case she'd just closed or his current suspension and the reasons for it. Instead, she told him about Noah – how she'd found him and how he'd made her life so much brighter. Elliot listened with pride for her and heartbreak that he'd missed so much, but he refused to let the latter show on his face. This wasn't about him.
This eventually led to Elliot talking about his grandsons, and how much joy they were bringing him since he'd been back. As he laughingly told Olivia a story about them, she suddenly stopped mid-laugh as though she'd been slapped. Elliot, frightened, reached out and touched her hand. "Liv, what is it?"
Olivia let out a shaky breath and looked at him as though for the first time. "You're a grandpa," she breathed.
His heart breaking, Elliot replied, "And you're a mother."
The subtext between them might as well have been on a loudspeaker: We've missed so much.
The tears that Olivia had been resolutely holding back that day – hell, all week – broke loose like a river through a weakened dam. Her first sob had barely escaped her before Elliot wrapped his arms around her and lifted her onto his lap. His own tears mixed with hers even as he tried to soothe her. He didn't speak, knowing that words weren't what she needed right now.
Sometime after her sobs had calmed, but while they still held each other tightly, Olivia asked quietly, "Can you stay?"
"Yes, I can," Elliot replied immediately. "Eli's staying with Richard tonight, and my mom is with Kathleen."
Olivia let out a breath of relief and nodded. They then carefully got up and threw away the empty food cartons. Olivia then led him by the hand to her room. After she shut the door, Olivia stood in front of Elliot. Her tear-stained face was completely worn out, but she moved with certainty as she removed his shirt. Her hands were trembling when she lifted them towards his chest, and Elliot pressed them over his heart, resting his forehead against hers for a long moment.
Their silent, ionic communication was clear: We're here. We're together. We are meant to be.
Finally, Olivia lowered her hands and undid the button and fly of his jeans before walking to her bed and climbing in. If both weren't so tired and worn out from crying, no doubt they would be making up for twenty-three years of sexual tension that went nowhere. But tonight was not the right time – that would come when they were both ready.
After Elliot removed his shoes, socks and pants, he slipped into bed beside Olivia. She laid curled up with her back to him, saying without words what she needed him to do. He reached across the bed and gently pulled her to him. His body molded easily, protectively and securely around her.
They laid in silence, their breathing slowing. Just when he thought she'd fallen asleep, he heard her voice:
"This isn't going to be easy, El." Please don't leave and break me again.
"I know, Liv. Tonight is just the first step." I will do whatever it takes for however long it takes to earn your trust again.
For tonight, it was enough, and they fell asleep minutes later.
A/N: Anyone who saw certain clips from the L&O press junket will know exactly what inspired this little fic. Not sure I intended it to be such a sad hurt/comfort fic. But these two really need to talk and, from watching old episodes, I notice that the more tired they are, the less filters they have on their words and feelings.
