Santo: Wellp, I did say 'soon', and technically, I was not wrong! Technically correct, the best kind of correct. Oh also, I liked this chapter, it made me smile as I wrote it.
Hero: Yeah, this was fun. Things get pretty ridiculous here. Which fits the setting, which is something I hope to keep consistent in the future.
Santo: I actually had not seen or read anything Konosuba related prior to writing this arc. I can now honestly say I did myself something of a disservice. I'll get around to watching Konosuba…later. Also, Kudos to anyone who guesses 'when' in the timeline we are!
Chapter 5 - God's Blessing on this Wonderful World 2
Hero P.O.V.
So, this isn't a new thought or anything, but being the sober one of the group is a thankless job. You've got to keep your drunk friends from being total jackasses while at the same time, lugging their drunk, usually struggling, asses around until they're somewhere safe. See, the smart thing would have been to leave Santo somewhere safe, find an inn and get a room, return, and then drag Santo's drunk ass into a bed and place a bucket next to it.
Sadly, I was too frustrated to do the smart thing. So I had to lug his drunk ass all over the damn town to find an inn, while he bitched the entire time about going back to the party.
Bastard almost shot me once.
Thank god I took 'First-Dodge' as a skill.
However, there is one, glorious benefit to being the sober one of the group.
"Gooooooood… MORNING VIETNAM!" I cheered as loudly as I could as I kicked the door open.
You didn't get a hangover from being sober.
Santo rolled out of the bed and crouched behind it, a blunderbuss appearing in his grip aimed in my general direction. His eyes being bloodshot added a strange intensity to his gimlet stare, he blinked once before muttering, "Fuckin' hell."
"This is not a test! This is not a drill! This is our first day as glorious adventurers! There is no time to waste! The morning sun won't be up there all day! We've got a mission to fulfill!" I cranked up the volume and cheer of my voice just because I knew it would hurt him.
"Hate you," Santo muttered as the blunderbuss disappeared and he rubbed a hand over his face, "hate you so much."
"So… 'Mister Gunner Hero of the Land' it's about time to wake up and get started on our actual work."
"You torment me, because you're jealous they didn't think you was anything special!" Santo said cruel lies because he was in pain. I magnanimously ignored the hurtful words and smiled brightly at Santo.
"Well, despite all of that, Luna still hates your guts. So I had to work extra hard to get the inside scoop on our targets, so… fuck you."
"If she didn't want me looking at her tits, she shouldnt've put them on fuckin' display, now where can I get a goddamn glass of water? My head's killing me." Santo said as he zombied his way in the rough direction of the door.
I wonder if I should annoy him by telling him that was the least reason that she hated his guts. Still a reason, but one she was used to. I mean, seriously, the male adventurers are not subtle about staring. Meh, he'll get over it.
"Well, being the paid gopher for a dumbass noble I am, I got breakfast laid out for you. Just look for the one table that has a tablecloth on it, 'your stupendoful worshipfulness'."
"The whole noble thing is your fucking fault asshole!" Santo growled as he stumbled out of the room. I watched gleefully as he stubbed his toe on the way to the table laid out with hearty food and a jar of water. Even if I was enjoying his pain, I at least needed him fed and watered for the mission.
"Yes, that's why I can use it to make fun of you all I want. It is b-e-a-utiful." I let my voice have a rare trill at the end there.
Santo ignored the glass and drank out of the jar itself before beginning to shove food into his gullet. Thankfully, he was using the utensils, so my makeshift call for him to be a noble wasn't completely ramshot.
I also heard more muttering, which I assumed was more hurtful accusations aimed at me, but until Santo could actually use full words he had no ground to stand on.
"So, our targets are going out on a long-term mission today. I had no idea which one, but if I was a guessing man, I'd have put money on the dumb ass Winter Shogun thing." Santo just raised an eyebrow at my exposition and didn't even give me a motion to continue, but I was going to anyways. "Fortunately for the both of us, I was completely wrong. So we don't have to buy a shit ton of winter and mountain gear. Sadly, I have no idea what the hell the Apples of the World Tree are or what we're dealing with, so we're flying half-blind."
I could tell from how Santo's raised eyebrow was twitching that he was not impressed by my lack of knowledge considering I was in charge. Thankfully, his mouth was too full of food to bitch, so I could continue unabated.
"Good news is, that because I don't recognize what the hell is going on, it probably isn't a major timeline event. Which means no Demon General or Demon King to fuck up our day. Just monsters, bandits, maybe the occasional giant frog or something."
Seriously, this world was one saccharine death world when you gave it much thought. There were demons, monsters, lich, dragons, and a shit ton of other stuff all just waiting to kill anyone outside of a major city. And that's ignoring if the damn Destroyer was still walking around. Damnit Aqua.
Santo continued to absorb my exposition while doing his best to set me on fire with his gaze alone. Also, he called for seconds.
"But, I guess I've been avoiding the issue. The main problem isn't any monster or Demon General or anything that we'd be fighting. No, the problem is our… targets… escortees?" I tilted my head in slight confusion. "Is there a word for this?"
"Clients." Santo growled with surprising venom, then continued eating.
"Sure. That works." I snapped my fingers in agreement. "Yeah, I said it before and I'll say it again. They're dumb. Really, really dumb. It's going to be like herding kittens, except one of them has dynamite, one of them wants to jump off a cliff, one of them is dumb as bricks and the last one is an asshole… so just like a normal kitten."
"Can't be that bad."
I grinned viciously. Santo quieted as he knew that I knew something that would cause him immense pain. Both mental and spiritual.
"Hey, hey. Buddy. How much of last night do you remember?" I led off with an innocent question.
Santo blinked and scrunched up his face in concentration. "Most of it? I'm a bit iffy on what happened after I went a little gunbutt crazy…And I think I sang something on the street?"
"Oh good. And it was a horrible rendition of Frank Sinatra." I nodded sagely before the vicious smile returned. "Did you happen to remember a witch looking girl standing on a table?"
"Uhh…the one with the eyepatch reciting emo poetry?"
"More of a Chuunibyou attempt at puffing herself up, but yeah. Megumin's the strongest Archmage in the town, capable of mass destruction on a level only matched by an endgame boss." I described truthfully.
Santo grunted. "Good, that sounds pretty useful."
"She also can only cast one spell before basically passing out. And all it does is nuke an area. She's also a complete Chuni-Weeb that will want to cast Nuke at anything and everything. She'll want to nuke something once a day. It's like a drug for her." I let the punchline settle.
Santo rubbed his forehead and sighed. "Okay, okay. Significantly less useful…but it can be worked around."
"Okay, not that bad. You're right. Let's move on to client number two." I agreed, I made this list go from best to worst. "How about this? Do you remember the busty blonde in armor?"
"The one that was using very unsubtle innuendo about having sex with me?"
"Oh. No. It's much worse." I smiled. "Darkness is a Crusader. Think of them as a Paladin, except no magic. All about tanking hits and doing dps. She's probably the strongest tank in the area and could maybe tank a nuke from Megumin and survive."
Santo nodded. "Right, I was almost a dedicated tank before I settled on guns. It's always good to have a strong front-liner."
"Yep, but Darkness is all tank no liner. She can literally miss the broadside of a barn, with a sword." I started my spiel. "So she has that problem. The bigger problem, though, is that she's a masochist."
Santo's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "When you say masochist…"
"I mean, that when she asked you to 'fill her full of hot boiling lead' that wasn't innuendo. She was being literal." I smiled brightly at him. "She was wet for your bullets man, not you."
Samto shuddered. "Actually…I think she jumped in front of one of my shots when I was showing off, I only grazed her, and then kicked her to the corner to reflect on her actions…she seemed a little too happy about that now that I think about it.…I feel at once disappointed, dirty…and strangely enough…used?"
"That's Darkness alright. If she toned down the whole, extreme masochism thing, she'd probably be super attractive." I nodded sagely. "And now for best worst-girl. It's time to introduce Aqua."
"I remember her!" Santo said with a smile. "She was that crazy girl that kept doing the party tricks any time I shot a plate someone threw! She's alright as an assistant, good head for showmanship."
"Well, thank God then she's our support. She's the Archpriest of the group." I smiled brightly. "She's also a goddess of Healing and Arts that got pulled down here along with our protag. All of her healing abilities are innate and not part of the skill system."
"Well, that's pretty great," Santo said, determined to find a silver lining.
"Yeah, now if only she didn't use all of her actual skill points on the Party Tricks skill tree." I sighed mockingly.
Santo frowned. "But…she didn't use that many different ones?"
"They use a lot of skill points, for no reason at all."
Santo rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I…I think I'm starting to see a pattern."
"Aqua is also a lazy, greedy, alcoholic that is desperate to return to heaven, but has zero plan at all about how to do that. Also, her church is literally a cult."
"Okay, so who is the last one and how bad is it?" Santo sighed and took a vicious bite of bread.
"Satou Kazuma. Japanese, teenaged, former NEET, and not from this world." I started slowly. "He came here due to a vehicular accident on the road back from a video game store."
"Truck-kun Co. claims another one," Santo grumbled his reluctant praise of one of our partner companies, dipping the bread in a bowl of soup before taking another bite.
"Except it wasn't a truck. See, he pushed a girl out of the way of a… a slow moving tractor. She was in no danger whatsoever. The tractor didn't even hit him. He freaked out and had a heart attack next to it."
"That's…unbelievably pathetic!"
"Eeyep. I'm sure you remember him. The guy in green, cape and everything." I grinned as the final bit of my plan to cause Santo spiritual pain fell into place.
"The dumbass that started the whole sexual harrassment issue? The only one that escaped the wrath of my gunbutt?"
"To be fair. It was an accident on his part." I played devil's advocate. "Everyone else probably deserved the tooth loss."
"Bastard took the panties of the girl that bought most of my drinks, he's got karma coming his way and its got my name on it."
"Oh yeah, Chris. That keeps happening to her. I'm not sure if that's intentional or not on her part. But Kazuma doesn't choose the target, his high ass luck stat does. Make of that what you will."
Santo shook his head. "Alright, let's go, the sooner we start, the sooner this whole mess is done with."
"That's the spirit. Look on the bright side. If we get nuked, Aqua can cast a revive spell since, you know, she's a goddess." I cheered with as much false cheer as I could muster. "Though I got nothing if Darkness propositions your bullets again."
I must have pushed him too far. Because Santo retaliated in the worst way possible.
"If she propositions me to cover her in my wrathful hot lead, shot out of my steel-hard rod, I may just give her exactly what she begs for." Santo's pun filled innuendo hurt my soul.
There must be retribution.
"She'd probably enjoy that. Might ask you to marry her if you treat her like dirt afterwards." I ignored my soul pains and kept up the attack. "Who knows, Company may let her come back with us."
Santo scowled harder at me. It was on. "Well, I haven't used my company companion coupon. Who knows, it sounds like it wouldn't be that bad of a choice. I could use a meatshield who can actually take a pounding."
I winced, thankful that Santo was behind me and couldn't see it. "Well, I guess it would be an easier laundry bill. You wouldn't be getting my blood all over you. Just Darkness's other… juices." I hesitated at the last bit. Both because I struggled to come up with a good comeback and also because it hurt me to say.
Santo's tone told me he had caught my mistake. "Mmmhmmm~, yes~…You're right, if I can train her to keep her mouth shut, she'd definitely make for a juicy little peach."
I shuddered. Nope. Fuck it. Bail. This was a terrible idea.
"Okay, you win. I'm out." I took the cowards way out and started to run ahead to the Guild Hall.
Santo cackled all the way to the entrance of the adventurer's guild.
Jokes on him. I'm going to fill out the companion form with his name on it and leave it on his desk when we get back. God knows the other afterlife wage slaves will have a good laugh at that gossip.
There was quite a bit of good cheer going around when we walked into the Adventurer's Guild. Sure, almost all of it was aimed at Santo, but it sure beat everyone being miserable and hungover. Damn, Adventurers were hardy.
I scanned the area for our targets and found them. Half of them were facedown in their plates, the other two were happily chatting and enjoying breakfast. I guess, being Japanese and/or a Goddess does not allow the same alcohol tolerance as the rest of the planet. Go figure.
Well, we could do this the smart way and maybe have Luna introduce us to them. Use some of that charm and social knowhow from being a wage slave. Oh and from being teacher too, I guess. My kids liked me. You know, or at least were polite enough to fake it. Hard to tell with teenagers.
Or, I could just wing it.
"Soooo… haaaaaaave you met Santo?" Damnit mouth, you were supposed to wait until our brain thought of a plan.
"Mornin'." Santo growled, Darkness shuddered. I chose to ignore that.
"Oh hey! It's the cowboy!" Aqua snapped out of her hangover coma to point at Santo.
"Don' ever trust a horse," Santo said with a glower as he sat next to Megumin. "Cowardly, unreliable creatures, horses. Bolt at the first loud noise and dump you in the ground, probably aim for a rock, just to spite you. Oi, who do I need to shoot to get a jar of water here!?"
Was he speaking from experience? I've never seen him on a horse. I guess he is from Texas. Is that a stereotype? Probably. Oh well.
"Kazuma! Kazuma!" Aqua shook Kazuma out of his attempts to drown in his breakfast plate.
"Yes, this is Kazuma."
"We should totally take them on our quest!" Aqua threw her arms out like she had just solved a great mystery.
Well, that was easy.
"What?" Kazuma looked at us. His eyes passed over me, examining my outfit. It was a rather bland, brown Chinese monk outfit; simple, austere, and lacking any of the giant ass weapons or armor plates that every other Adventurer seemed to have. Even Santo, had the notable empty gun holsters to draw the eye. Also the awesome Tricorne hat. "Do you really think they'd be useful?"
Before I had a chance to answer, Kazuma found himself staring down the barrel of a gun. "You tell me. Boy." The last word, somehow, was said with a depthless contempt.
"Gah!" Kazuma flinched backwards and tried to bat away the gun. Sadly, Santo's dex stat was rather high, so it was a simple matter to dodge the hand and keep the barrel trained on Kazuma. "Oi! This guy's more likely to shoot one of us than a monster!"
"Kazuma, Kazuma." Darkness panted. Still ignoring that.
"Yes, I'm Kazuma."
"We have to take them with us." Darkness coughed into her fist and recomposed herself. Mostly, there was still a bit of drool. "As a Crusader, I could not allow any other party to go out with Santo and risk getting hurt from a stray shot. I am confident that my body could take any punishment from his… how did he describe it? His burning hot lead."
I shuddered.
"Ooooh~?" Santo caught the innuendo and decided that it needed to go much farther. Because he's an evil person like that. "You think so do you? Not only do you insult me by insinuating I'm incompetent. You think yourself up to the task of withstanding my towering, burning fury? You believe yourself to have the endurance t-!"
I slapped a hand over Santo's mouth to stop the innuendo vomit. Kazuma and I had a moment of camaraderie as we shuddered in unison. Dear lord, there are two of them. Darkness looked both overwhelmed and disappointed. Megumin and Aqua both had blank looks on their faces that spoke of horrible, horrible experience.
"Look, maybe he'd be useful." Kazuma at least took a moment to contemplate having someone with a gun to hide behind. "But two more people means less money for the rest of us."
Hello~ opening.
I slipped next to Kazuma and put on my best car salesman smile. I spoke in a low whisper. "Look, Kazuma right? I get it, you're the responsible party leader and you need to look after everyone. God only knows, they can't go two feet without causing problems if you aren't watching them. I get it. Look, my buddy here. Noble. I'm the schmuck that is guiding him around so he can brag about his adventures while sipping wine."
Kazuma looked over at Santo, who now that his mouth was free was antagonizing Megumin, and sent me a commiserating look. Okay, empathy check. Now to set the bait. "So I get it. But here's the thing, I'm a pretty good monster hunter and my level is up there. We can join you and escort you on the way to the World Tree and take care of any monster in the way. Santo gets to brag about being a mighty warrior and you and your party of misfits can do your thing and get the apples. We all come back and everyone can party about our grand adventure."
Kazuma looked contemplative. I could tell that I had his interest. Now to add incentive.
"Look, me and Santo will only take a fifth of the reward total, just enough to cover our expenses. He's loaded already and I'm getting paid by his father. I just need to get him through something dangerous enough to brag about."
Kazuma's hand snapped into mine faster than I could track. "Deal!"
Hook, line, and sinker.
Now all I needed to do was…
"Look," Santo said with a perfectly reasonable tone, but a contemptuous sneer, "it's a mathematical fact that an uncontrolled explosion is, to put it succinctly, not as useful as a directed one. A controlled blast, channeled and funneled through the barrel, propels the bullet at a high speed and gives a satisfying boom that distracts and disorientates those not expecting it. Furthermore, it can be scaled up for much more devastating effects. Making 'gun explosions' more useful, repeatable, and reliable than singular uncontrolled blasts. In short? Git on mah level, scruuuuuuuuuub!"
…was prevent Megumin from blowing Santo up by 'accident.'
Kazuma and I leaped to our feet. Kazuma tackled Megumin before she could grab her staff and try to demonstrate the Glory Of Explosions inside the guild. I tackled Santo, just so he'd stop antagonizing the small teenager. Seriously, you're a grown-ass man, damnit!
I suddenly regret giving him the worst impression of the party. It was starting to bite me in the ass.
This was the party I needed to herd while fighting off monsters. Wonderful. Thank you God. Surely, this will be a grand adventure.
Santo P.O.V.
"Okay, let's go!" Hero said, throwing a fist into the air to the cheers of Darkness, Aqua and Megumin, and a far more subdued reaction out of Kazuma. He took all of two steps before my mad grab jerked him back like an overexcited dog pulled up short by the chain.
"I'm still buying the cart." I said, ignoring Hero's wheezing at my not-at-all-gentle handling.
Hero made a combination of guttural wheezing and choking sounds, clearly exulting my foresight and wisdom at my insistence of getting a cart and provisions for the journey ahead. Judging by his murderous stare, I was absolutely correct, and there was no way this would come back to haunt me.
"That said, those idiots sure can run," I said, holding a hand up to shield my eyes from the sun's glare to stare at the back of the retreating Kazuma and Company, and turned back to the used cart salesman. "And you! You want me to pay how much for this half-rotten piece of shit? Look at the state of the axel! Hasn't been greased in years, I'd bet!"
I ignored Hero's tippity tappity foot behind me. The art of haggling took time, and he knew better than to give the salesman any leverage.
"But if I don't sell for that price how am I supposed to feed my kids!?" the salesman said with surprisingly genuine sounding remorse.
"Sell them to a slaver for all I care!" I snapped back. "Not only do you make money, you have less mouths to feed! They get to become productive members of society, it's a win all around!"
To my quiet horror, he looked contemplative.
"Santo, please don't advocate for slavery. Pretty sure the crown frowns upon that. Like, knight squad busting down your door, frowns upon." Hero to the rescue, how timely. I knew there was a reason I kept him around.
I waved vaguely in his direction. "It's not slavery, it's called adventuring and/or an apprenticeship. Point is, I'll give you a tenth, and you can keep the horse!"
"Deal!"
I handed over the coins and turned away as the salesman unhitched the animal.
"So…we're going to a different salesman for the horse?" Hero asked, he looked a little exasperated by how long my masterful haggling had taken, but them's the shakes.
I smirked.
I loudly slapped the riding crop against the side of the cart. "Giddy up! Giddy up! We need to catch up. Hiyo Silver or whatever the fuck! Forward my trusty steed!"
The beast of burden loyally increased his pace.
"You know," my trusty steed said as he jogged, pulling the cart at a steady, smooth pace. He turned and looked at me over his shoulder. "This is a little racist."
I blinked, out of all the things I expected him to say, that was not one of them. "Racist how?"
"You know, a rickshaw driver? The Chinese people tugging carts around roads," Hero regaled me with useless trivia as he was wont to.
"Huh, I legit didn't remember that. I did it to get on your nerves as revenge for the good morning vietnam routine." I scowled down at my boots, angry with myself. "I can't believe I missed that. I could have done a much better joke!"
"Too late now!"
"I'll get you next time, Gadget!" I said as I looked around. The place was rather picturesque. A sea of bright green grass, swaying gently on the cool breeze that caressed the skin. I leaned back to get more comfortable as Hero pulled the cart up a hill with surprisingly little effort. Yeah, this was fine, we'd catch up eventually an—
We crested the hill and saw them. Megumin was passed out face down on the road, Kazuma was on his knees sweating buckets into the ground, Aqua was leaning on her knees and panting like a dog, droplets of dead-ass liquid rainbow falling from her mouth as Darkness gently patted her lower back.
What.
And I cannot stress this enough.
The fuck?
Hero jogged to a stop, as flabbergasted as I was.
"I…But…this…" I took a deep breath to center myself, before letting them have both barrels. "It hasn't even been a mile!"
"Mile and a half, actually," Hero called out as he started to unhitch himself.
I sighed and jumped down. "Don't bother," I said as I jogged over to the four stooges, gathered the middle-schooler up, and tossed her to the back of the cart where she landed with a grunt. I did the same with Kazuma and Aqua, the latter of whom emitted a little puff of rainbow as she landed, spattering all over her companions.
I turned to Darkness, who presented herself, ready for manhandling.
Oh, I could not possibly ignore this opportunity.
I stepped into her personal space and loomed over her. "The fuck you looking at?" I glowered at her. "Are you so useless that you cannot even muster the ability to walk under your own power?"
I took perverse delight in the strangled grunt coming from my rickshaw driver as Darkness' cheeks turned bright red. She started panting, and her eyes literally twinkled with…I'm gonna call it delight for my peace of mind.
"S-Sorry! I'll walk!" she said between quick, rapid pants.
"Good, because the cart can only comfortably fit three." Which was a blatant lie; it was a pretty great cart—got it for a steal, the axel was actually in fairly good condition—that salesman had no eye for carts. "The driver's seat could fit two, but you need to prove yourself worthy of sitting in it!"
"Good point!" Hero said way too happily and started to pull the cart. Leading me to an ungainly scramble as I jumped onto it while he was still accelerating, yay for a high dex stat! Unfortunately, I landed on the warm squishy pile of Kazuma and Company, getting another little squirt of rainbow out of Aqua.
It landed on my boot. Goddamnit.
I gingerly made my way, doing what I could to step on tender places, keeping my balance fairly easily thanks again, to my high dexterity, then climbed onto the driver's seat. "I'm complaining to your manager. Very poor service."
"That would be you, good sir." Hero cheerfully redirected back at me.
I leaned back, Darkness panting like a dog as she jogged next to the cart. Man, she really has issues with stamina doesn't she?
"Uh… you okay over there?" Hero asked with more trepidation than concern, which was a first for him.
"Yes!" Darkness yelped and straightened her running posture. "No problem here!"
I stopped paying attention to their conversation, and leaned back to get comfortable again. I looked from Darkness, to the twitching pile that was her party, and back to Darkness, her cheeks still an enticing pink. "Dumbasses."
What a wonderful, wonderful day this was. The sun was bright, but not too bright, the wind was cool, the air smelled of grass with a hint of lavender. The stink of civilization long behind us a-
I can't, I can't fuckin' do this. I turned around to glare at the idiots. "For god's sakes, Kazuma! The cart isn't even rocking, how is she still sick!?"
Aqua cried harder, then went back to dry-heaving as the perfectly still cart proceeded to not rock.
"Christ, it's everywhere." The beast of burden was doing his job cleaning the cart. "Ugh it's… huh… smells like cotton candy."
"Thank you, you've successfully ruined cotton candy for me, forever. Bright side, if anyone's looking for us, they just need to follow the miles-long rainbow road." I leaned a bit further to the side. "On the brighter side, the cart actually looks better with the new paint job. So if we could turn her around to the other side, you know, even it out?"
"How about we don't and instead give Aqua some time to get over this… infernal hangover?"
"Ugh… demon booze is the worst," Aqua whined between heaves.
"That a brand or something?" I asked, hopping off the cart and picking Aqua up by the scruff of the neck. She was surprisingly light. "Anyways, there's a convenient tree right there so…might as well."
I made my way over to the solitary tree, and tossed the…well, not actually a wannabe…the self-proclaimed Goddess onto the shade. I then stretched my back, hearing more than a few pops.
I turned back to the other three stooges and my rickshaw driver. "Alright, we aren't wasting this time doing stupid shit. Lineup and show us what you can do." I waited for the hammy idiot to smile. "Not you, midget, I don't wanna deal with dragging you behind the cart the rest of the day."
"Why would I be dragged!?" She wriggled a bit. "Would you really treat a girl like that?"
"The cart is exclusively for those who can be of use," I said, running a hand through my full goatee. "If anything, you should be thanking me for letting you ride in it at all, on the assumption you have any potential whatsoever."
Her left eyebrow twitched before she gave a banshee screech and pointed her staff at me. My loyal beast of burden moved to protect its master, and plucked the staff from her hands, then held it up to an unreachable distance by holding it straight up.
Seriously, the tallest of them was Darkness at five ten in dumb units. Putting her at the same height with Hero, and three inches under me. Everyone else came up to my chin at most, Megumin barely reached my shoulder. She climbed on his back like the world's most unfit spider monkey and screeched something about explosions, I didn't really pay much attention.
I turned to the two who had at least a sliver of potential. "Alright blondie, you're up," I said, drawing my shortsword and holding it at a low guard. I let myself smile lasciviously and growled, "Show me what you're made of."
Her cheeks gained a dusting of pink as she grinned back, drew her sword, and settled into a guard stance. There were a number of issues with it, her feet a little too far apart for optimal balance, her shoulders a little too hunched, lowering her center of gravity more than necessary. As if she were trying to match the height of whoever showed her rather than imitate their stance. But, overall, a solid base to work with.
A genuine smile slipped past my control as I waved her forward.
Her grin became genuinely radiant as she charged at me, moving with surprising grace and speed, her pony tail streaming behind her not unlike a cavalry banner. She raised the sword over her shoulder, leaving herself open for me to stab her, but to be fair, with her defense stat there was little I could do to take advantage of that opening. I fought my body's natural reflex to tense, forcing myself to remain loose, ready for explosive movement.
She reached me, moving a little too close for her optimal engagement range, and brought the sword down with a mighty two handed swing! The ground was cleaved ten feet and more past the point of impact. The force of her attack unbalanced her as she planted her foot, carving a furrow into the ground as she arrested her momentum. She threw herself into a horizontal swing that could have split a boulder in two, the slipstream of her attack cleaving through the grass like a scythe through chaff.
Once again, the force of her strike unbalanced her, rather than go with the momentum and turn it into a spin, which for most fighters would be a poor decision but with that much power and speed she could have pulled it off while not leaving an opening. She planted herself again, raised the sword and once more brought it down in an overhead swing that sank into the floor and cratered the ground.
I moved for the first time to avoid mud spattering my coat and stared at her with utter disbelief. That was literally impossible. I didn't move and she missed. Not once, not twice, but three times!
I turned to look at Hero, who now had Megumin standing on her tippy toes in front of him, reaching for her staff, and raised a questioning eyebrow.
He shrugged.
Real helpful there buddy.
I turned back to Darkness, who was still holding the pose of her last attack, her face bright red.
I turned to look at Kazuma, demanding an explanation.
The bastard was pointing and laughing.
I had to wonder, did he really need both his kneecaps? My heart said no, but at the same time, I didn't wanna have to drag him.
I turned back to Darkness. "Those…I…" I took a deep, deep breath, and spoke like I would to a kid that just skinned their knees; calm, collected, in control of the situation, about to make it alright. "While the power behind the swings was impressive, I cannot help but find the execution…inadequate."
Darkness blushed a very, very bright red, dropped her sword and covered her face with her hands as she fell to her knees.
I stepped up to her and patted her back softly, changing my tone a little, as if speaking to a scared, wounded animal. "It's fine, we just need to work a little bit on your accuracy. We all have to start somewhere."
I think that my calm and understanding tone hurt her more than if I'd shouted because she whimpered and curled up, pressing her face to the ground.
"Failing is a natural part of learning," I said, my heart shriveling up as I failed to soothe the poor girl. "I've failed more times than you've even tried, kid! You don't think I was always good with a gun do you?"
"She's leveled up twice since I've known her," Kazuma said glibly. Making Darkness curl up even harder. "I think she's level twenty."
I looked at Hero. He mouthed, 'Out of a hundred.'
I looked back down at the girl. "That just means you have that many more chances to improve," I said, patting her head and scritching lightly at her scalp. "Really, with your strength, once your accuracy goes up a bit, anyone and everyone would be afraid to take you on in battle."
Darkness went into a fetal position, her one visible ear a crimson so deep I was starting to worry it was unhealthy. I sighed and stood up, "You just…you uhh…you just stay there a bit, get yourself together. Redo your ponytail, alright? I'll get back with you in a bit."
She made a strangled noise that sounded approximately like. "Mrgle."
I walked over to Kazuma. "Alright, twinkle toes. You're up."
He blinked and scratched his head. "E-Excuse me?"
I gave him the Spock eyebrow. "Your turn. Move it, whip it out. Show me what you're made of. Dazzle me with your brilliance. Come on twinkle toes, impress me."
Kazuma stared at me with a dumb look on his face, he then turned to look at Hero, who had Megumin using his foot as a ladder and his shoulder to brace herself as she reached for the staff, she just about had it too. So he wordlessly switched the staff into his other hand, to her loud grief.
Hero shrugged. Kazuma turned back to me with his face all scrunched up in a look that was the exact in-between of hard concentration, and constipation. I saw that face all the time on Hero when he tried to think his way around a problem. Can't have that, a shonen protagonist is supposed to be a man of action!
"A thinker huh? Perfect, you need to learn to think on your feet!" I said.
I then stepped past Kazuma, put my right leg behind his ankle, wrapped my right arm around his chest, and pivoted my whole body to slam him to the soft, grassy ground. Kazuma bounced and rolled. And didn't get back up.
"Good try," I called. "But playing dead won't save you."
Kazuma decided to continue playing dead.
"You're not getting out of training!" I said, getting genuinely angry. "Stand the fuck up!"
Hero sauntered over to me, Megumin still using him as a portable jungle gym. "Dude, he's like level five. You're level forty. That judo trip probably almost one-shot him."
I stared at the unmoving body before sighing. "LitRPG settings are bullshit."
I then walked over to the insensate boy who was foaming at the mouth, dragged him to Aqua, who had graduated from lying on the ground to leaning against the tree, and went back to Darkness, who had managed to uncurl herself.
I took Darkness by the arm, dragged her up, and put her sword back in her hands. "Alright, put up your guard."
I squared up against her and readied my shortsword.
"You know, now that I think about it. You're a Gunner. Why do you have a sword?" Hero asked an inane, useless question, as was his wont.
"Because shut the hell up!" I answered back calmly and very adroitly. "And it's called a bayonet!" I turned back to Darkness, who was looking very meek. I sighed, put away my sword, and walked over to her and helped her fix her stance.
This was going to take a while.
Interlude - The Hysteric Holy Maiden
I'm a goddess!
I shouldn't be getting motion sick so easily. And the running was awful! I never had these problems up in Heaven.
Stupid mortal rules.
Anyways. Hero and Santo were nice enough to set me by this nice tree in the shade and Hero even gave me some water. Really, they've been super nice, as they should be, cause I'm a goddess. It's only right that someone drives me around when I'm feeling sick.
I should make them convert to the Axis Cult. Hero is super nice and Santo is really funny.
Oh look. They're going to make everyone train. Except me. I don't need to train. As a Goddess of Healing all my stats and skills are maxed out after all. I don't know why Kazuma looked so disappointed when I told him that. It just shows how amazing I am!
Oh. Darkness is fighting Santo. He's a Gunner so he can't be that good with close range. Though I do worry about Darkness. He has more than enough room to shoot her before she gets close.
Oh! Oh! She got in close and she's swinging. Darkness is super strong.
Oh… she missed. Every swing. That's right. Darkness has that aiming problem. Kazuma should really do something about that. How are we supposed to beat the Demon King if Darkness can't even hit him.
And now she's super embarrassed. She's so cute when she's like that. Santo is trying to comfort her. That's not going to work. He'd have better results if he started yelling. Except that would excite Darkness and I don't want to see that.
Speaking of Kazuma. It's his turn to train.
Santo is doing the whole Full Metal Jacket thing with Kazuma (I miss TV). Sadly, the (former) Hikki-NEET isn't really prepared for the drill sergeant routine and just stared at Santo like an idiot. Santo then tripped him.
Hahahaha.
Oh my Me. That hurts. It actually hurts to laugh after all that dry heaving.
Santo throws Kazuma's unconscious body towards me. Hero, who was getting along great with Megumin (look at how close she's clinging to him), caught Kazuma before he hit the ground and asked me to heal him.
I can do that. I kept my giggling to a minimum as I started to heal Kazuma's broken body.
Man, that Santo is really strong. I'm really glad we have him here. He and Hero can kill all the icky monsters.
Let's see. Better fix Kazuma's head first. Last thing he needs is to lose more brain cells. Okay, skull and brain fixed. Now let's fix that spine. Good. Okay… and internal organs are all okay. Oh, he only cracked a few ribs. Good, less work for me. And… good as new. Which considering it's Kazuma, is only okay.
"Look, just make me dodge!" Santo said while Darkness flailed. "If you manage to make me dodge, I'll shoot you!"
"You can do it, Darkness!" I cheered. Not for her masochism, but for her success.
Darkness' eyes shone, she yelled, she swung her sword, she missed.
Now both of us are disappointed.
"Ugh… did a truck hit me?" Oh hey, Kazuma woke up.
"Nope. But don't worry, you didn't have a heart attack." I cheered. "Just broke your spine, and your head, and your ribs. But I fixed it!"
"Oh…" Kazuma looked blankly at me. Hey, be more appreciative. I healed you, damnit!
"Kazuma, Kazuma."
"Yes, Kazuma speaking," Kazuma said dully.
"Aren't you glad I suggested we bring them?" I pointed at Hero who was now holding Megumin with one arm as she clawed at the air for her staff. "They're really strong!"
"Yeah… they really are." Kazuma agreed bitterly. Man, Kazuma really can be a killjoy sometimes.
With two adventurers as strong as Santo and Hero. Nothing can go wrong!
