Santo: Bit late, the Beta had a bit of trouble with this one. Kinda my fault, I suck at punctuation.
Hero: I'm not that bad, but I don't really take the time to write correct grammar in this thing.
Santo: AAAAANYWAYS. Here's the end(ish) of the Konosuba arc. It was simultaneously difficult and a blast to write, if only because there were some moment when I was laughing too hard to strike the correct keys.
Hero: Yeah, this kind of thing is more of my comfort zone. Zanny comedy is sadly my forte.
Santo: I am legitimately jealous of how good he is at comedy. ,
Anyways! Drop us a comment, letting us know what you think! Pretty please, with a cherry on top. It helps keep us motivated to write more! And stuff!
Chapter 6 - God's Blessing on this Wonderful World 3
Hero P.O.V.
So the little training break was a disaster. Darkness managed to level a small hill in terms of collateral damage, but never actually touched Santo with her sword. He dodged once, but that was because she tripped mid-swing.
Kazuma eventually woke up from his dirt nap and I tried to get him to show me his swordsmanship. He was in the middle of a showy flourish when he lost his grip on his sword and it flipped into the air, landing pommel first on his head.
Aqua got to show off her healing. Which was nice. I think Santo appreciated that at least one of our party members was contributing.
And Megumin exhausted herself by doing strength training as she tried to retrieve her staff from an impossible height. That height being, a little over six feet in the air in my hands straight up.
So overall. Aqua was the only one that got actual training done.
Aqua. Who literally cannot get any stronger or heal any better.
So yeah, not exactly a productive bit of time.
"So… this might be… a little harder than I thought." I watched Aqua attempt to console the other three as they sat in the cart, arms wrapped around their knees. I could see a literal cloud of despondency hovering over them.
"I should have known better," Santo said with a thousand-yard stare. "I didn't believe you, why would I believe you when you had that cheshire-cat smirk? I thought you were trying to mess with me. But you went too far, you messed with me by telling me the truth."
To be fair, I was mostly messing with him. I didn't think it would be this bad. But as any good liar will tell you. Deny, deny, deny.
"Santo, Santo, Santo. After all this time, you still don't understand. I only lie when I need to lie. The truth hurts just as much as a lie." That made sense, right? Well, even if it didn't it would probably still have the same effect.
"No it doesn't," Santo refuted immediately. "The truth hurts much, much worse."
"You haven't been lied to about the right things." I grinned at him. "Give it time. I'm sure I'll hurt you just as bad with a lie one of these days."
"You're lucky I need you to pull the cart." Santo grumbled impotently. He spat out the side of the cart. "So, we'll just have to take care of the monsters ourselves. How would you rate the monsters here, anyways?"
"I mean, this is a death world, but a pretty happy one. So… Lord of the Rings meets Mario?" I offered.
"We talking books, movie, or Shadow of Mordor?"
Rather than answer and showcase that I've only seen the movies, I instead took a hold of Santo's shoulders and turned him around.
His thousand-yard stare returned with a vengeance as he beheld the crazy. Strangely enough, all he said was a subdued, "Huh." Always a sign of danger with him.
See, what we beheld was a giant earthworm. You know, if an earthworm was on steroids and all veiny and it's mouth had sharp teeth instead of a rounded end. It was also in the process of swallowing Aqua whole. Judging from the fact that I could only see Kazuma and Darkness, it already got Megumin.
I could hear Kazuma shouting as he and Darkness fought the worm to rescue their friends.
The sounds of pitched battle lingered for a moment, before Darkness, the final one, was eaten as well.
I slapped a hand to my face. "We… we should probably rescue them."
"Yeah," Santo sighed, his voice having that strangely flat quality it always had right before he did something violent. "Yeah, we should."
"Huh, how did you accidently shoot everyone but Darkness?" I questioned Santo as I cleaned off the earthworm guts off my leg.
Good news. Rider Kick is what I thought it was, a flying kick that blasted apart my enemies. Bad news, earthworms blow up in guts and blood, not pyrotechnics. Disappointing.
"It wasn't an accident." Santo said, making Darkness twitch. "Bitch has yet to earn getting shot."
I'm going to ignore the hope in Darkness' eyes or the characteristic shudder that went through her body. For obvious reasons.
"Wait, you could tell who was who in its guts?" I gave up on the pant leg. I'm just going to burn this set of pants later. "Because they got all switched around in there."
"There were a few factors," Santo said, raising a hand and counting them off on his fingers, "first, I picked the skill called 'Friendly Fire', it lets me know where friendlies are so I don't accidentally shoot them."
"That's ironic." My skill names were either to the point or oddly poetic.
"Quite, I was using the 'Push Shot' skill, was trying to literally push them out of the worm and leave Darkness in there, didn't work. Second, I was able to discern their overall builds by the size of the bulge they made in the thick, veiny, fleshy, drooling, pulsating pillar of flesh."
Ha. Jokes on him. He's making innuendo to hurt me. No, the issue isn't innuendo. It's Darkness being Darkness. And imagining having to deal with her for the rest of my afterlife if Santo brought her back to the office.
I shuddered. Sadly, Santo took that as his innuendo hurting me.
"And finally and most importantly." He summoned a pistol with a quickdraw motion, spun it around his finger three times, then holstered it and let it poof away into motes of blue light in a complete waste of mana. "I'm just that goddamn good."
"Alright, Tex." I raised an eyebrow. "Is any of that swagger going to help me clean these guys off." I gestured to the four drool and blood covered party members lying on the floor. Aqua was crying, Megumin was passed out, Kazuma was just dying on the inside and Darkness was enjoying this way too much for my liking.
They needed a morale boost. Well, three of them did. Darkness needed a cold shower. So I could kill two birds with one stone.
"Uhh…well, technically, you can put anything in a Blunderbuss…" Santo said as he pulled a bar of soap out of one of his pockets.
Why the hell did he have that in his pocket? Was he going to make one of them eat it for the drill sergeant routine? Questions for later.
"Yeah… how about we don't shoot them again, Tex." I sighed. "I'm just going to waste one of our kegs of water to clean them off. Okay?"
"Do we have to? I paid good gold for that water," Santo grumbled. "Nobody told them to get swallowed by a giant earthworm anyways."
"A: You paid for the barrel. I pulled the water out of the well. 2: It's either the water or listen to Aqua and Megumin whine and Darkness be Darkness—"
"But the sound of their suffering is the only thing that brings me pleasure anymore." Santo interrupted playfully. By his quickly stifled grimace, I think he actually forgot how Darkness would take that statement and I pointedly did not look in her direction.
"—And C:" I paused. I couldn't think of a reason, but I am not going to ruin a good rule of three here. "I'm doing it anyways. So tough."
Santo tossed the bar of soap at Darkness. "Make yourself somewhat useful and clean the others."
I lugged over a barrel of water and helped Aqua take a makeshift shower. Oh hey, Aqua can make us water. Damn, that would have been a great third point.
Oh well. This was probably the worst encounter of the day. So it's all uphill from here.
Santo P.O.V.
"Hero, Darkness, up front! Kazuma, Aqua, stay by the cart! Megumin, don't you fucking dare!" I activated 'Summon Rifle', lined the sights up with the nose of the nearest Ogre as it charged down the hill and squeezed the trigger. Its head came apart in a welter of red. If the rifle were not so loud, it would sound roughly like an overripe melon hitting the floor.
I let go of the rifle and summoned two pistols and emptied both of them into the second of the numerous Ogres. Dropping the pistols, I summoned two more and emptied them as well, riddling its chest full of lead. I was lucky that it died at the ninth shot, as by that time there was so much smoke that I could no longer see the ten remaining ogres.
Stupid ass Black Powder! Stupid ass Gun Powers!
A 'thump!' reverberated through the air, accompanying a localized seismic event. Correction, nine ogres.
I stepped forward out of the smoke and reflexively stabbed an Ogre that had lumbered past Darkness in the groin. It fell to its knees, emitting a surprisingly high pitched squeal and bringing its head at just the right height for me to press the barrel of a pistol into its ear, and put it out of my misery.
A girlish shriek split the air. I looked back to see an Ogre holding a wailing Aqua in one hand, and an unconscious Megumin in the other. I could see Kazuma hanging on the Ogre's back as he wailed on it with his sword.
Seriously, just stab the thing.
"Hero! The backline!" I yelled as I summoned a blunderbuss and riddled three ogres full of shot, buying myself the time I needed to summon pistols and shoot them in the eye.
"Shit! I'm on it! I'm on it!" An Ogre took the opportunity provided by his distraction to punch him on the back of the head. "Ow!"
"Not now!" Hero landed an uppercut right into the Ogre's chin sending it flying upwards before he sprinted off, leaving me to rely on Darkness to be a bump in the road for the remaining Ogres. I shot one of the Ogres he'd been holding off in the knee to stop it flanking Darkness.
"Raidā Kikku!" he shouted with a Japanese accent and launched into a flying sidekick. He then accelerated into a brown blur, shooting off like an arrow and crossing the forty or so feet to the retreating Ogre in the blink of an eye.
He punched through the Ogre, blasting a Hero-sized hole through its torso. He landed and stood tall, his back to the Ogre. He had Megumin on his left arm, Aqua on his right, and was carrying Kazuma by the scruff of the neck with his teeth like a cat with its kitten.
The Ogre took a single step, holding a hand to the hole in its chest, its face a mask of utter, serene confusion.
Then it vanished in a great ball of fire and fireworks.
The combat paused. The ogres stopped attacking, I stopped shooting, Darkness panted. Hero stared at the pitiful pile of ash that used to be the enemy he'd just brutalized, opened his mouth (incidentally dropping a flabbergasted Kazuma to the floor) and said, "Wat."
I shot the closest ogre in the dick. "Get back in the fight!"
Holy hell, not even a day in and this trip already sucks.
Hero P.O.V.
"Okay, I call shenanigans!" I yelled as I kicked another Goblin off its mount. It let out a rather high pitch squeal as it fell down the mountain side. Huh, I was expecting the Wilhelm scream. Too bad. "Who the hell taught goblins how to be Calvary Goblins?"
Nobody answered me since they were busy fending off the dozens of Calvary Goblins that were chasing us up the mountain. Like the one that was about to trample me. I should probably do something about that.
"Iron Body," I called out. I crossed my arms in front of my face as I stood my ground against a charging Calvary Goblin. Its mount slammed into me and then flipped as it found an unmovable object rather than a squishy human.
"Ow," I grunted and rubbed a hand against my stomach. "Damn horns dug into a soft spot."
"Why!" Santo screamed as he shot a goat out from under one Calvary Goblin. "Are the goats!" He roared as he threw the empty pistol at another Cavalry Goblin, the impact throwing it off its goat. "All cutesy!?" He punctuated the statement by firing his blunderbuss at a group of goblins that weren't on goats.
Yes. I was not lying when I said this world was like Lord of the Rings meets Mario. That meant some of the monsters were more Mario bent. Rather than looking regal or tough, the goats all had rather cute and derpy faces.
Each of the rather large, adorable goats that had lost a rider all gathered around Santo and began to chew on the bottom of his coat. He looked down at them and paused for a moment, judging them.
"Bleh~" the goat cutely bleated in the face of the crazy-eyed blood-covered Gunner.
Santo gently pushed the adorable animal away from his coat and then shot another Goblin in the face.
"Kazuma, Kazuma!" Aqua screamed as she held onto the back of a bucking goat for dear life.
"Kazuma is busy! Leave a message!" Kazuma reflexively replied as he engaged in goat to goat combat against one particular Calvary Goblin. I had no idea when he got his own goat to ride.
"Heeeeelp!" Aqua cried pitifully as the goat finally gave up on bucking her off and just turned its head to chew on her hair. Megumin was ineffectually poking said goat with her staff.
"Still busy!" Kazuma yelped as he jumped off his goat and tackled his enemy off its own goat. In a rather lucky twist, Kazuma landed neatly on the new goat, while the original rider got trampled.
"Don't worry about me~!" Darkness half screamed half panted as she was being dragged away by a group of Goblins. "I'll never submit to whatever torture they inflict! Even if they do horrible, unspeakable things to my young and nubile body, I will endure all of it!"
A couple of the Goblins dragging her paused and looked at her, then at each other, taking a moment to contemplate their life decisions. Finally, one of them shrugged and they continued to drag her away.
Santo planted a weird looking rifle with six barrels on the ground. A loud explosion and a blinding cloud of smoke later, all the Goblins dragging Darkness were dead. He cut quite the heroic figure for all of two seconds before he planted his boot on Darkness' back and screamed. "I'm the only one that pushes this bitch down!" And shot yet another Goblin in the face.
Damnit, Santo.
"Screw it. Ending this now." I decided I didn't want to hear Darkness' reaction to Santo's sadistic grandstanding or whatever romcom shenanigans that would follow.
"My rage calls forth the flames of the underworld," I intoned as I poured out all the energy I could muster into my right arm. This would either blow up my right arm or kill every enemy in the area, maybe both. Either way, I would be in too much pain to hear or it would finish the fight. Win, win. "Let it become a beast that will consume the world!"
My right arm ignited in a blaze of fire. Not normal fire, no my powers were too much of a drama queen to allow normal fire. No, this was fire from hell. So of course it was black. "Behold! Tyrant King Black Dragon Blaze!"
The flame rose up my arm until it engulfed the entire thing. Then, birthed out of the flames of hell, a dragon made of black fire rose above all of us. It roared in rage and agony at being born into this cruel world. So it needed to take out its anger on the proper targets.
Thankfully, there were dozens of Goblins for it to consume. So I let it.
"Okay… that was awesome." I stared at the giant eastern dragon made of Hellfire chasing down the screaming Goblins and consuming them, leaving only ash and unwounded goats. "Now if only that technique didn't cost my entire mana bar, and burn the shit out of my arm."
I looked down at my right arm which was now very painfully burnt and hanging limply at my side. "I am really glad, we have a healer in the party. Because as soon as the adrenaline and combat high wear off, that is going to hurt like a bitch. And… there it is… ow."
"Whooo!" Santo screamed, then pressed down on Darkness harder—I decided that I did not, in fact, hear her moan. "No, you don't get to chase the dragon made of literal flame and hatred." Santo turned to me as he absently pushed a goat's head, failing to stop it nibbling at the edge of his coat. "Nice ult, Hero!"
"Yeah, that one was a little dramatic. Might use a different one later," I said absently, my voice just a little weak from fatigue and pain.
"How many of those you got anyways?"
I paused as I tried to raise my right hand to count, but it failed to move on command. "Uh… I'unno. Six or seven? For some reason, I had a bunch of moves that just like, eat my entire mana bar to do big stuff."
"Shit, that's pretty rad," Santo said as he scratched his cheek. "Too bad they're mostly useless without a supply of mana pots."
"Yeah, really wished I read their descriptions first rather than skill them up based on their names." In hindsight, it was a really poor decision. But what kind of game allows you to skill up multiple ultimates. That's just bad design.
"Well…at least its name sounds pretty cool," he said, getting off of Darkness as the Dragon finally guttered out after it ran out of Goblins to consume.
"Yes!" Megumin popped up next to me, grinning wider than I've ever seen her. "I thought you were just a boring Monk, but clearly you're of the same ilk as we Crimson Demons."
I looked at her, then looked down at my burnt right arm, and then thought back to the name of that ability and the incantation that it required. "I've made a terrible mistake."
"Come. I've got bandages for that right arm of yours and then we can draw sigils around it to seal away the great hell dragon's power," Megumin continued, completely ignoring my horrified expression. "While not as grand as Explosion Magic, truly you too wield a power too great for any ordinary mortal to contain."
"Seriously, that looked like it came straight out of a manga," Kazuma teased, clearly seeing my discomfort. He got over his awe way too quickly for my liking.
I looked at Santo, hoping for a save. He gave me the Spock Eyebrow instead, the bastard.
Wonderful. I had a burnt up arm, no mana, and Megumin thinking I was a fellow Chuunibyou instead of a responsible adult.
On the brightside. My arm would heal. I would regain mana rather quickly and I could try to convince Megumin that I was, you know, an adult and not a middle schooler.
On the other hand, Aqua was too busy crying about her chewed up hair to heal me, my mana wouldn't start coming back until my arm was better, and Megumin was too crazy to convince her that I was a normal person.
Ugh. This trip could not get any worse.
Santo P.O.V.
I snapped my fingers a bunch to get the attention of the goats that were tied to the back of the cart, they stopped nibbling on Aqua to look at me, I pointed to the cart and they all huddled close to it, taking what little cover it offered.
I then looked at the…dozens? (Looked like a hundred, ish) bandits armed with bows and crossbows that lined the cliff face, the one at the bottom smirking at us, I couldn't actually see his expression, what with the bandana wrapped around his face, but he gave off those treasonous smirk vives.
"So, what'llit be? You'll be pain' the toll with coin, or with one of them girls?" He tried to growl, it came off sounding like he had a cold.
Someone panted in arousal trepidation, it might have been Darkness, but it could have been anyone, really.
I turned to Hero. "Got any other cool ultimates that would deal with this?"
"Uh…still out of mana," Hero said sheepishly. "Like, a little came back, but until my arm's fixed, I'm like under a debuff."
We really should have stopped the goats from trying to eat Aqua long enough for her to heal Hero. But they were just so cute tho, I just hadn't had the heart.
"Well shit, Darkness! Get your useless ass up here!" I called out.
"Yes!?" she said with a horrifying mixture of bashfulness and excitement, jumping up and standing ramrod straight. I proceeded to shoot the gonads off the bandit standing out in the open.
"Protect the goats."
She blinked, visibly trying to shift gears from whatever depraved fantasies her mind had conjured."The wh-?"
I gave her a push to the back of the cart. "If even one goat is hurt, I'll not let you get so much as a scratch until you die of old age!" I then picked up an empty barrel, put it in front of me, and crouched behind it just in time to not get porcupined with arrows and bolts.
"Ow. Seriously. Ow. Santo. Ow!" Hero complained as he covered the rest of the party with his body, arrows bouncing off his skin as if he were literally made of iron. Seriously, if he was going to complain so much he should have listened to me when I told him to buy that chainmail hauberk. "Do something! OW!"
"You have a high enough toughness stat, you'll be fine, you big baby!" I called out, an arrow took my hat off my head and pinned it to the ground.
I stared at my tricorn, the arrow quivering as it bled off its remaining momentum.
"Bastards just shot my hat?" I asked.
"There are a lot of bastards. They're everywhere and they're shooting at us. So do something! Ow."
"Damnit. Can't your dumbass gun powers summon a tank or something!?" Kazuma begged as he huddled under Hero's shadow. "Get a kill streak already!"
"Tanks haven't been invented yet, moron!" I called out, then grabbed the barrel and hefted it up as I stood tall, and took a deep breath. "They may be in front of us, and beside us, and behind us, but that just means they cannot possibly get away from us! Because you see Ivan, while Infantry may be the Queen of the battlefield, Artillery is the King!"
"Santo?" Hero called out, I ignored his attempt to sabotage my Moment of Glory.
"And you know what the King does to the Queen don'tcha?" I continued the entirely necessary chant.
"This cannot be part of your chan-! Are you quoting something?! Ow! Seriously?! Ow!" Hero bitched at me. I didn't interrupt his dumb chant. Seriously, just because he was busy keeping the useless ones safe, doesn't mean he gets to rain on my parade. Jerk.
I flipped him the bird. "Creeping Barrage!"
I flipped the barrel over, put it over my head, and crouched inside it.
Nothing happened, the steady, 'Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!' Of the raining projectiles continued to assault our ears.
"Santo?" Hero called out, louder. I thought there was some panic creeping into his voice. Eh, he'll get over it.
I raised the barrel up just high enough to dart my hand out and retrieve my hat.
"SANTO!"
If Hero had been a little quieter, he might have heard the shrill whistle of the shells as they descended. As it was, he was utterly unbraced for the deafening KABOOM!
Or the few hundred other eruptions of dirt, flame, smoke, and lethal shrapnel that immediately followed it as the shells fell all around us, obliterating everything in a grid-square removal pattern with us in the sole point of (relative) safety at the center.
The explosions went on and on, never giving a chance for one to fade before a dozen more roared out their fury. The earth heaved in agony as the ever roiling wall of noise jealously silenced any and all who would seek to contest its dominance. The immense assault on the senses continued for a subjective eternity that was, in truth, a little less than a minute.
Lifetimes.
The barrage ended as suddenly as it began. One moment there had been all encompassing, overlapping fury, the next deafening silence. The world held its breath in fear that its punishment would resume. The silence was eventually broken by a fearful, questioning, "Bleh~?"
I ignored Aqua as she stopped bleating and started hacking and coughing and stood up. I lifted the barrel off of myself and tossed the piece of wooden swiss cheese to the side where it crumpled to pieces and splinters. Looking around, the landscape was completely transformed. Not a single tree remained for hundreds of feet, the cliff face had collapsed in numerous places, and the only signs that remained of the bandits were the occasional red stain and the one whose testicles I shot off. He was still in the fetal position where he'd fallen, somehow, miraculously, still alive.
I put my hands on my hips and took in the simultaneously nostalgic and repulsive smell of spent high explosives and partially vaporized human. "Well…that right there looks like a job well done."
"Really?" Someone sounded very disgruntled. Seriously, it was just a few arrows.
I turned around and beheld Hero. What little remained of his clothes were just tatters that conveniently covered about the same amount of area on his body as a speedo, and a piece of cloth that hung on his neck and perfectly covered his nipples even as it flapped in the slight breeze. He was bleeding from a hundred cuts and had a lot of tiny bruises already turning purple all over his body. "Woah…those arrows really did a number on you, huh?"
"Oh no. The arrows really weren't that bad. They stung like a bitch, but really, they were more annoying than anything." Hero did that annoying thing he does where he leads off with gentleness before attacking me with his real grievance, the jerk. "The real problem was, oh you know, the barrage of cannonfire that came down on all of us!"
He threw an arm out to point at the entire area, specifically Kazuma, Megumin and Aqua, lying in a strangely Hero-shaped area of untouched ground. On cue, a tree absently fell from the sky and shattered to a thousand pieces as it impacted the ground.
I looked at where I had been crouching, and realized that spot was the center of a perfect five foot circle of unexploded soil centered on where I had been crouching…huh. I raised a finger. "Okay, One: Pretty sure it was technically howitzer fire." I held up two more fingers. "And B! I could have sworn it was a five-meter safe space, not five feet…The more you know!"
"Oh even better, that means it was even stronger than cannon fire and I can't trust any of your abilities not to blow us up, you jackass!" Hero used my own technicality against me, how dare he? Suddenly, Hero's head snapped to the side, he called out worriedly. "Shit, Darkness!"
"Yes!?" she yelped, jumping to her feet, the only sign of damage on the girl being a copious amount of spit that her face was lathered in, some tears on her clothes, and the dirt covering her armor.
We both stared for a moment, fortunately I was the first to recover my wits and asked the only important question. "Any of the goats hurt?"
"No sir!" she answered, beaming with well earned pride.
"She's okay, thank God." Hero sighed in relief.
So I shot her in the stomach, punching her off her feet.
"Oh my God! Santo!" Hero shouted shrilly at me, horrified. He actually lifted his fist like he was ready to slug me.
"What? Bitch earned it," I said with a shrug, I twirled the pistol three times and holstered it, then shouted as it vanished. "Good job, Darkness!"
"Oh~ What a cruel taskmaster~" Darkness crooned in… let's call it joy for my peace of mind.
Hero just stared at me for a moment before pinching the bridge of his nose. "My head hurts. And not from the cannon fire hitting it. I'm just going to get a change of clothes and we're leaving this godforsaken place."
"Goddess!" Aqua called out.
"Not the time, Aqua!" Hero roared and to his credit, actually managed to cow the (self-proclaimed) goddess.
"Rassin Frassin, Howitzer fire, rassin freaking friendly fire," Hero started to grumble to himself as he dug out our cart, which funnily enough, managed to come out of the Creeping Barrage mostly unscathed and only partially buried. Man, I really got a good deal on that cart. I am definitely taking that with me when we leave.
"Technically, the term is 'danger close.'" I called to him, prompting him to flip me the bird. Aaah, technically correct, the best kind of correct. I looked ahead, the path up the cliff looked… okaaaay? I mean, it was only slightly exploded. "Oi, Darkness! Go get the last hit on that one bandit would ya? If you do, I'll shoot you again!"
Darkness yelped, tried to run in the direction of the one living bandit, but tripped and fell on her face as the numerous goats tangled her legs.
Honestly, why do I even bother?
I sensed a disturbance in the Force. I turned and saw the midget glaring at me. I could feel her reluctant awe at the aftermath of my Bombardment.
I speared Megumin back with a glare, she jerked and looked back at me with trepidation on her face.
I said nothing. I didn't need to; my exceedingly smug smirk said it all for me. Well, there was one thing I had to say. "Controlled explosions."
Having to shoot her staff out of her hands was absolutely worth it to hear her screech of inarticulate rage.
Something niggled at the back of my head. Objectively speaking, I was not usually this petty, so why was I going so far out of my way to antagonize the (alleged) explosives wizard?
The thought was wiped away as quickly as it came. I took a moment to wonder what idea I had been thinking about, but dismissed it as unimportant. Megumin was pointing at me and throwing a tantrum. Man that little midget hated me.
Eh, it's not like I'll ever see her again after this mission is done anyways.
Hero P.O.V.
Okay, so it took a bit. We fought Ogres, Calvary Goblins, lots of animals, a mantis migration, a bunch of bandits, at one point we had to kill a giant ass plant with tentacles, because of course it had tentacles, but we made it to the mountain top. Now we just needed to find the World Tree.
Thankfully, it was easy to find. There was just one thing about the tree that was odd. Where it was resting. See, it was resting on the back of a beast. And not just any beast, it was—
"That's one big turtle," Santo said, stating the obvious. In fact, Santo was kind of killing the sheer majesty of the sight.
I ignored him and tried to regain my inner narration.
It was like staring at a Divine Creature, a being of such immense size and power that it carried a literal forest on top of its back. No doubt, this was an animal worshiped at one point, as a guardian of the land that rested on its mountainous body. The great tree growing on its back, bigger than any I've ever seen as it scratched at the sky itself, was truly deserving of the moniker of World Tree.
Santo snapped his fingers as he realized something, hopefully it would be profound. "Wait, turtles are the ones in the sea, I meant tortoise."
I sighed and deflated, mood dead and buried. "Yeah, it's kind of big."
I turned to the rest of the party, whom we had escorted here safe and sound. Okay, maybe we needed to lean on Aqua's healing a little bit, but they were here and that was the important part.
All of them were just staring blankly at the giant ass tortoise with all the shock that was appropriate. Man, this job has made me jaded.
"What the hell?!" Kazuma threw his arms up and grabbed his face in despair. Then, a spark of hope appeared and he turned to us. "You've got a plan to get the apples, right?"
Oh man, there was just so much hope in his eyes. I actually felt a little bad. I was going to kill that hope and sell him the remains.
"Oh. Kazuma, Kazuma," I slid next to Kazuma and threw an arm around his shoulder.
"Yes. This is Kazuma."
"Do you happen to remember what the agreement we made in the guild specified?" I let the slimy salesman smile crawl up on my face. It was a little grimy, but if it meant I didn't have to fight a mountain sized tortoise, I would endure it. "Because there is a very important detail in there."
"Well you said that you guys would escort us and then…" Kazuma started to connect the dots. It was actually pretty interesting to see the wheels turn in his head and come up negative. "When it came to the Apples, we would need to get them ourselves."
"Eeyep." I let my smile widen for just a moment. "So… good luck!"
"No, no, no." Kazuma grabbed my shoulders and turned my body towards the World Tortoise. "Do you see the size of that thing?! It is a freaking mountain. What the hell are we supposed to do to a mountain?!"
"I'm absolutely positive you'll figure it out buddy," Santo said, sitting on the cart and patting a procession of goats.
"But, but, but." Kazuma scrambled to think of any argument. So I needed to cut off that avenue before he thought of something dumb but effective enough to actually get us to do his job.
"Well, if you want to leave and go back. There's always the way we came. You know, the path full of monsters way over your level that probably have all respawned or refilled in the days that we took to get here. I'm sure you can fight those by yourself, right?" I patted Kazuma's shoulders.
He couldn't and he knew it. The despair on his face was clear as he slunk over to his party. Darkness was gleefully pointing at some ruins and quickly explained something to Kazuma. After Kazuma began to scream at her, I figured they had it covered.
"Is it just me…or are those rocks looking at me?" Santo asked out of nowhere.
I turned and looked at one of the large rocks that littered the area. It did, in fact, have a face on it and was staring at us with googly eyes and derpy smiles. Huh, that Mario metaphor really came full circle.
"Those are Blasting Rocks." Megumin explained as she walked over to us. She paused in front of Santo and his goats and threw her arms up, one crossed over the other in a pose that I guess she thought looked cool. "Now then-!"
"Bleh~" One of the goats turned to her and bleated right in her face.
Megumin tripped before regaining her pose. "As the mightiest Explosion User of the Crimson Demon Cla-"
"Bleh~" The same goat bleated again.
"I will show to you the glory of-"
"Bleh~!" The same goat bleated louder.
I squinted for a moment as Megumin tried again to get through her speech uninterrupted. Santo was patting the goat in the same spot, right before it would bleat. That jerk.
I picked up a small rock, ignoring the tiny face on it and hefted it for a moment. I threw it at Santo. The rock beaned him right in the side of the head, then it exploded in a tiny puff of fire and gravel with just enough force to knock him on his ass.
"Oh hey, they do explode," I nodded as I confirmed the fun fact.
"Ow! Asshole!" Santo called out.
"Bleh~?" Questioned his goat, then since it was no longer being petted, it started chewing on the edge of his coat.
"That's right Goatsy, he is a treasonous cur!" Santo said, pushing away the goat's head and petting it on its side.
"Go ahead, the headache should stop him for a moment," I gestured Megumin towards the fallen body of Santo.
Megumin took the small opening and quickly went on with her grandstanding before Santo and the goat could recover.
"Now, you will witness the power of Megumin, the Archwizard who wields the strongest magic known to man. Watch there on the floor, mere mortal and cower before its great majesty! My Explosion Magic is the most powerful, most deadly, and most feared magic and you shall finally see its glory in person!" Megumin threw out an arm to billow out her short cape and posed with her staff. Her red eyes glowed with some aetherial magic power.
Santo stared at her long and vapid, he waited just long enough for her to start fidgeting, her staff trembling as it really was a very uncomfortable position to hold. Before saying in the flattest voice possible. "Sure."
Then he yawned. Thankfully, Megumin had just scampered away after the agreement so there was no more childish fighting between the middle schooler and the grown-ass man. I sat down next to Santo and pushed a goat away from my sleeve. "So, you might actually want to watch. I have no idea what they're going to do, but it'll probably be very flashy and pretty ridiculous."
"I mean, it's at least a couple days climb down…" Santo said, peeking down the cliff face. "No nice and easy road either. So, at the very least it promises to be entertaining."
I looked over at the group and grinned. "Yeah… about that. I don't think they're planning on taking the long and safe way." I pointed over Santo's head.
He looked over at Kazuma and Co. With the three semi-sane members huddled together on top of a wrought iron door, atop a pile of Blasting Rocks. Darkness knelt on top of the door, a wide innocent smile on her face as she took a few practice swings.
I hated to admit it, but her beaming face, out of context, was quite pretty. Too bad it was because of the whole 'going into mortal peril' thing.
"Why exactly did they let Darkness come up with the plan?" Santo asked, scratching his head. "More importantly, why are they letting Darkness swing? She'll probably stab Kazuma by accident."
That's when Darkness swung down and flawlessly struck the rock.
Santo jumped to his feet. "Darkness!"
She turned to him, her face red and her smile even wider. "Yes!?"
But before Santo could say or do anything, the entire party disappeared in a fiery explosion.
I blinked away the dust before looking up into the air.
"Huh… so that's their plan." I looked at the falling quartet of adventurers high in the sky, falling towards the World Tortoise. "That's a terrible plan."
"Of course it's terrible, Darkness came up with it!" Santo said, squinting at the distance. "But hey, she hit something! On her first try! I haven't managed to get her to do that in days!"
"Yeah, but what are they—" I paused as I saw the red and black speck in the air point something glowy at the turtle. "Oh shit, don't look at it directly."
I threw a hand up to shield my eyes and braced myself.
"Don't look at wh—?"
Light.
Heat.
Sound.
Concussive force.
Echoing silence.
Well, actually, I could hear Aqua and Kazuma screaming in the distance, but other than that, echoing silence.
"WHAT IN SHIT THE GANGRENOUS FUCK!?" Santo screamed, getting up and scrambling back towards me from the thirty or so feet he'd been tossed backwards due to not properly bracing himself.
I looked at the now dying flames from the Explosion Spell, still taking up a large portion of the World Tortoise's back and tilted my head. "You know, I'm not quite sure what that was supposed to- Oh wait, that's clever."
There was a pink balloon of sorts that was floating on the updraft of the explosion. I could see a person hanging on the bottom holding it together and three people on top, somehow not collapsing it.
"WHAT THE SACRED FUCK WAS THAT!?" Santo screamed, his voice gaining in both pitch and volume. "I THOUGHT YOU SAID SHE WAS LEVEL TEN!? WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!?"
"Yeah, she is. She spent every single skill point into Explosion," I tilted my head away from Santo as I re-explained. "I told you this. She's a one-shot nuke. I'm pretty sure she doesn't even have enough MP for the spell, she dips into her HP to make up for the difference. Hence the collapsing afterwards."
"YOU SAID SHE WAS A NUKER! NOT A LITERAL FUCKING INTERCONTINENTAL BALLISTIC MEGUMIN! WHAT THE FLYING FUCK!?"
"No. I said she was a nuke. I was very specific with the wording," I actually wasn't sure if I was that precise. But less thinking about the past and more admiring the sheer devastation in front of me. It was actually a pretty damn impressive amount of destruction. Shockwave knocked Santo ass over teakettle too, so bonus points. 9/10.
I could see something shine on the top of the balloon. I guess they did something to get the apples now that they were close enough.
Santo seemed to regain some of his composure. "If you tell her I was impressed by her spell. I will make your unlife an unliving hell."
Man, Santo was being super petty about Megumin. I wonder if I should do something about that. Don't we normally stop each other from doing shit like this? Eh, maybe, maybe not. I can't really think that hard after the concussive force of the Explosion hit me.
"Please, you know I'll retaliate," I waved off his threats.
"It'll be worth it. Do not test me on this."
"Yeah, yeah. Promises, promises," I paused for a moment before looking down at the balloon that disappeared into the forest below. "Hey… do you think there's monsters in the forest down there?"
Santo peeked down the cliff face. "Nah."
"There are probably monsters in the forest down there."
"They'll be fine." Santo insisted.
"Megumin is literally dead weight after casting that Explosion," I reminded him of that important detail. "They'll need to fight while carrying her."
"In short, absolutely nothing has changed. They'll be fine," Santo reiterated.
We both paused for a moment and recalled the trip here and all the monsters and ridiculous shenanigans that it took to get to this point. There was a hooting, growling call from below. Followed by a girly shriek. I couldn't be sure if that was Aqua or Kazuma.
"I'm going down to help them." I stood up.
"I'm not abandoning the cart," Santo stubbornly stated.
I called back as I leaped off the cliff, "Then bring it with!"
"Stop being a mother hen!" Santo shouted back, sullenly.
Santo P.O.V.
"I can't believe you. You're ridiculous. I mean, there is a limit to this kind of thing. I mean, I get it, you want to ensure their safety and all that, but dude. You can't just hover over them like a helicopter parent or something. They'll live if you leave them alone for like, five minutes."
The rickshaw driver grumbled as he pulled the cart on our way back to town.
"You wanted me to leave the poor goats unsupervised in an environment literally filled with their natural predators?" I asked incredulously. "For shame. The sickly ones might have been eaten! Those are the most adorkable ones!"
"None of them are sickly! Two of them just have lazy eyes. They're higher level than Kazuma!" Hero cried out, the cart moving just a bit faster as he worked out his frustration.
This required more research, with the right stimulation, I might be able to make him shave off a whole forty five minutes from the trip!
"Stop bitching, the cart is important, look, they're resting in the cart!" I said and turned back. My stomach dropped out from under me. The cart was full of goats and I couldn't see Kazuma and Co.
"They okay back there?" Hero asked. I gingerly lifted the head of one of the resting goats, and saw Aqua's face, dead to the world and covered in goat spit.
I gently set the goat's head back down, giving it a better angle to drool on the (self-proclaimed) goddess. I then lifted another one and saw Megumin, she was actually awake after her latest attempt to enlighten me with the Glory of Explosion Magic (As much as I abhorred admitting it, she was well on her way to making a convert out of me), still couldn't move though.
I pulled the goat's tongue out and made sure it splatted onto her face as I set the goat's head back down, muffling her cries of outrage. One last goat in the corner was chewing on something green, that was either Kazuma, or his cloak, same difference.
"Yeah," I said, breathing out a silent sigh of relief, "as I said. They're resting."
"How's Darkness?" Hero asked hesitantly. He should, her reward was caused by his suggestion after all.
I stood up to have a better view. Darkness' wrists were tied by a rope, dragging her behind the cart. As I watched, she turned her face to have optimal friction against the rocky ground.
"She's uhh…she's being Darkness." Hmm… I don't want her to work too hard to enjoy herself, I eyed the bottle of magical glue I'd bought just in case, my gaze then drifted to our one remaining box with provisions…nah, I might need it for something actually useful at some point. "She's doing just fine."
"Great." Hero did not sound enthused. "Hey, kind of a hindsight thing since we're almost back in Axel. But do you think we could have gotten the goats to pull the cart?"
"Oh yeah," I said with a shrug. "The night when we adopted them, I used some of the rope I bought to make a harness for them so they'd pull it like a…some sort of uhh…goat sled team…That sounded better in my head."
"Wait. Then why have I been pulling the cart the entire time? Why am I still pulling the cart?" The beast of burden asked, without pausing or slowing down his trot.
"I mean, at first I was still getting back at you for the 'Good Morning Vietnam' thing," I said with a shrug. "But as the days went on, I became really curious to see how long it would take you to bring it up, and by that time I was too invested in the experiment to pollute the data."
Hero was silent for a moment as he continued to pull the cart like a good work horse. I would most likely pay dearly for this, but as long as he didn't let Megumin know her explosion got to me, my retaliation would be reasonable.
"Hey Megumin!" Instant worst-case scenario! "You'll want to hear this!"
Well, she can't hear him if she's not conscious! I lifted the goat and got ready to punch her lights out, unfortunately, the cart came to a sudden and violent halt, throwing me just enough so I had to choose between punching Megumin and staying in the cart.
It was a close call, but I'm not that petty.
Hero flipped over me and landed on the edge of the cart. He reached down between the goats and pulled Megumin out.
"So Santo wa—" Was as far as he got before I finished silent casting 'Summon Flashbang' and the world turned white and my hearing descended into a deafening ringing whine.
Then I did it nine more times, just to be on the safe side.
Interlude: The Abhorrent Adventurer
(He's getting better though, it's a work in progress)
Kazuma was ready to sleep for a century. In fact, even though he was covered in goats and one was eating his cloak, he was taking advantage of the situation and trying to nap.
Sadly, like any good thing since coming to his horrible world, it was cut tragically short.
The cart shifted rather violently and there was a flash and a loud noise, followed by several more. In fact, if it wasn't for the pile of goats on top of him, he was sure it would have been deafening.
Oh well, Kazuma was sure that Santo and Hero would take care of it. This was what they were paying them for after all.
Except, the cart did not start moving again. And after a few minutes, Kazuma was actually getting worried. What if the two of them left them there and tried to take all the credit.
Kazuma needed that money! Aqua still hadn't paid off her tab at the Guild Hall.
After struggling against the goats for a minute, stupid high level goats, Kazuma managed to dig his way up and pop a head out. He looked around cautiously and saw nothing, just the hills surrounding Axel.
Kazuma was about to panic when he heard a set of voices start to scream. It began as gibberish, but quickly evolved into profanity. Kazuma went to the side of the cart and looked over it. Curled into two separate balls, were Santo and Hero, both of them scratching at their eyes and screaming.
Next to them, Megumin was unconscious and Kazuma wasn't sure, but he thought he saw blood.
Oh god, what kind of monster could do this to the three of them? He looked back for Darkness to see if she would be any help.
"Oh Eris! My eyes are burning like a bonfire and my ears are pounding like drums. What a wonderful new pain! What maddening agony!"
Right… Kazuma forgot for a moment. Darkness was in peak form since Santo kept indulging her. Darkness would be no help here.
A familiar head of blue hair popped out of the goats next to him. Aqua's face was covered in goat drool and her hair was being chewed on by a stubborn goat.
"Kazuma, Kazuma," Aqua whined.
"You've reached Kazuma."
"Why aren't we moving? I want to go home and take a bath!" Aqua cried. Though to be fair, Kazuma completely agreed with her.
"I think something attacked us. Hero and Santo are down and the monster must have gotten Megumin and Darkness." Kazuma quickly explained the situation as he kept an eye out for the monster to return.
Aqua yawned. "Nah, the two of them were just arguing and then they blew themselves up. Or well, Santo blew them up because Hero was going to tell Megumin that Santo thought her Explosion Magic was cool."
"What," Kazuma said flatly.
"Yeah. I think Santo was being Tsundere." Aqua shook her head like a disappointed parent. "He must be a shy one."
"So… instead of admitting to Megumin, who admittedly has been kind of a brat this trip, that he thought her Explosion Magic was cool." Which it was. Even though Kazuma saw it basically every day, the sheer destruction that the loli could unleash still awed him. "He blew himself, Hero and Megumin up."
"Yep. Flashbang. It sounded like he used nine or ten of them." Aqua lazily crawled over to the edge of the cart and stretched down, her arms trying to cover the remaining inch between her and Megumin without getting out of the cart to heal her.
It was official. Every other adventurer in this world was insane.
"Just… just heal them so Hero can drag us back to Axel."
"Okay, but only if you push them close enough for me to reach." Aqua as usual, was less than completely helpful.
"Cheers to the returning party!"
Everyone in Guild Hall cheered loudly, then guzzled their tankards.
Kazuma had to say this about being an adventurer. The pay sucked, the work sucked and every day was a disaster that could be his last, but man, did adventurers know how to throw a party.
Kazuma and his crew had hardly walked into the Guild Hall, World Tree Apples in hand before everyone had started to cheer and booze started to flow.
Kazuma was just finishing another, slightly exaggerated, tale of him fighting off an ogre that tried to kidnap Aqua and Megumin when he noticed that something was off. He looked around. Aqua was plastered and showing off her party tricks. Since she had paid off her tab, there was a fresh pile of wine bottles around her just waiting to be emptied.
Megumin was sullenly devouring some chicken and if Kazuma tilted his head in just the right direction, he could see Yunyun hiding behind a pillar behind her, waiting for a moment to join her in celebration. She'd probably be there all night.
Darkness was sprawled by the door to the Guild Hall? She was blushing bright red, not a new thing for Darkness, but there was a doopy smile on her face. Weird. Kazuma didn't hear a gunshot, so what had made her so happy?
Actually. Speaking of guns. Where was Santo? Oh, and Hero too.
Kazuma wanted to talk to the duo and thank them now that they were safe and sound.
Except, he couldn't see any sign of either of them. Kazuma would have sworn that Santo would have started to drink and regale anyone in the area of his grand adventure. He did it once, after all.
An arm settled around his shoulders, which caused Kazuma to let out a manly yelp of manliness.
"Hail the conquering hero!" Chris cheered as she leaned against him and drank from her own tankard. "It looked like you got back from your adventure safe and sound."
Chris seemed to leer at him and Kazuma felt a little worried for a moment. He self consciously patted himself down to make sure Chris hadn't stolen anything off of him.
"Yep, safe and sound," Chris said, satisfied. "I guess Hero and Santo were a big help."
"Crazy help." Kazuma meant that in every way. "Speaking of crazy, where are the two of them? I don't see them anywhere."
"I saw them leave the Guild Hall." Chris smiled impishly. "Well, I saw Santo give Darkness a little reward before leaving the Guild Hall, but I'm sure if you find him, you'll find Hero too. Speaking of which, where's Megumin? Hero left her a note."
"Geez, what the hell did he do?" Kazuma didn't want to think of what the crazy Gunner had done to Darkness to make her a pile of goo next to the door.
Still, Kazuma was a modern Japanese boy. It'd be impolite if he didn't at least thank the two for a job well done. So he pointed Chris in Megumin's direction, then made his way outside.
Just as Kazuma made it out the door, he heard Megumin's scream.
"I knew it! I knew that he would bow down to th—!"
The cool air in Axel was a relief against his skin and he looked around the entrance of the Guild Hall.
There was that blasted cart one sided still painted in rainbow and glowing slightly in the dark, goats all tied to it bleating up a storm. Kazuma walked by, making sure to keep his cloak out of biting range of the lazy eyed ones.
"Hero? Santo?" Kazuma scratched the side of his head. The two of them were just gone.
Hmm, he'd better double check.
"Say nothing if you want me to take the cart and the goats!" Kazuma shouted out to the Axel nightlife.
All Kazuma could hear was the rowdy partying behind him.
"What the heck?" There was no way that crazy Gunner would just abandon the goats after all of that.
Not to mention, what kind of an adventurer just left before getting paid?
Oh well, free cart and goats. The goats were even well trained.
Kazuma walked back into the Guild, his mind full of a scheme about selling goat rides to children.
Kazuma would take whatever blessings he could find in this wonderful world.
