XVII

"You invited me."

Rachel hears the words and immediately feels cold all over. Heart stopping, breath stilling. It's Julia. Rachel can see that it's Julia, but nothing else makes sense. She knows Quinn never would have invited her.

Not knowingly, at least, and Rachel just has to take in the expression on Quinn's face to know that she's just as confused about this turn of events as everyone else.

She can't move.

Time seems to stand still as they all adjust to this turn of events.

Quinn is the one who says, "No, I didn't." Then: "I never would have."

Something complicated happens to Julia's face - something pained - and it's the only way Rachel could ever sympathise with her. It is the most heartbreaking thing to realise just how much Quinn doesn't want you.

Still, Julia doesn't stand down, and her confidence worries Rachel. "You did," she insists, stepping closer to Quinn, who remains as frozen as Rachel does. "Tom and Denny send their regards, by the way."

It seems to click for Quinn in that moment, and she gasps softly. "Crystal."

Rachel's frown deepens. Crystal? What does that even mean?

"Why would - " Quinn starts and stops, unable to make sense of what's happening right now. "Why would you do that?"

"I knew you wouldn't ever tell me the truth," Julia says, and she steps closer. There's something earnest in her expression, and something a lot desperate. "But then Rachel sent me your contact details, and I knew it was the only way. I had to find out the truth."

What?

Wait.

Just, what?

Quinn looks to Rachel, who must be wearing a similar expression, because nothing makes sense. She looks back to Julia, confusion growing, because there is no way on this good earth that Rachel would ever send anything related to Quinn to Julia. The only person she's ever sent Quinn's details to is -

"Denny."

Quinn's eyes snap towards her, and they realise what happened at exactly the same time. They've both been played, and now -

"Now I know none of it was real," Julia says, and she says the words too easily for the way they seem to slice right through Rachel. Through Quinn, whose breath actually catches, her worst fears brought into the light. "I knew you would never do that to me." She looks more relieved than anything, and just a little manic. "I knew you'd never break your promise."

Rachel looks at Quinn, eyes boring into her, because this is -

Quinn wouldn't have told her, surely. Some stranger. Julia. But Quinn just looks horrified, and there's enough truth in that expression for Rachel to realise Quinn broke her confidence and told the one person who could ruin Rachel's career just as it's truly about to take off that their entire relationship has been -

What -

Some kind of ruse.

Then Julia says, "At least you now know what I've always told you: she won't ever really want you, Quinn," and Rachel feels the edge of some proverbial cliff fast approaching. "I don't have to worry about her anymore. We can - God, we can work now."

Quinn just stares at her, dumbfounded, and Rachel knows - knows without a doubt - Julia is getting to her the way she's always been able to get to her. Making her believe Rachel couldn't ever want her. Reminding her it's not real. Playing on some insecurity that makes Quinn believe that nobody could really want to keep her - least of all Rachel Berry.

The only thing that sent Julia away is Rachel making a claim on Quinn, because they're all painfully and heartbreakingly aware that Quinn will always choose Rachel.

So, there Quinn stands, a war going on behind her eyes, and there Julia stands, once more coming to tear apart Quinn's life.

And then there Rachel stands, waiting.

It's perhaps the moment everything becomes very clear to her. What her priorities are; what she's willing to put on the line for this love she could have. She went into this entire thing terrified of being perceived a certain way, and Quinn has done all she can to protect her in a way Rachel realises she hasn't paid the blonde the same courtesy.

So what if Quinn confided in a stranger? Rachel did it, too. That part doesn't matter. What matters right now is that Quinn Fabray is standing in front of her and visibly questioning what, if anything, has been real between them, and Rachel won't stand for it.

The world goes quiet.

Fades to nothing and nobody but Quinn, and Rachel realises this moment isn't anything new. Quinn is asking something of her without ever actually saying the words, and Rachel is always going to deliver. Because she loves her. Because it's always been real, back then and especially now.

Santana will ask her what she was thinking after all is said and done, and she won't have a response. Right now, all she knows is she's striding forward towards Quinn - the only direction, really - and reaching out for her. They're in public, which Rachel doesn't quite forget, but this is also the love of her life, and she doesn't care who sees them.

Not even a little bit.

Quinn startles when Rachel's hand slips into hers, their palms pressed together. Rachel can feel her racing pulse through her skin, and she knows the contact is something they both need. They've held hands before, many times, but it feels different now.

There's intent behind it.

There's meaning.

With as steady as a voice as she can muster, Rachel says, "What's going on here?" with all the false bravado she doesn't feel. It feels almost like an out-of-body experience, two sets of incredulous eyes turning to look at her. "I see Julia decided to show up, uninvited, to an event that we all know is extremely important to you, and I can't imagine anyone who claims to care about you would try to ruin this night, would they?"

If Julia had some kind of response, it dies on her lips at the sound of Rachel's words, because they all know they're true. If Julia really cared abut Quinn, she wouldn't have deceived her. If she really cared about Quinn, she wouldn't be garnering such pleasure from what has actually hurt her.

Quinn looks equally speechless, but that could be for any number of reasons right now. Rachel keeps her eyes on her anyway, because Julia doesn't deserve her attention. "Are you okay?" she asks, voice quiet enough for only Quinn to hear.

When Quinn looks at her, her expression doesn't look any clearer. "What are you doing?"

"Making sure you know she's not right," Rachel tells her. "Because she's not, Quinn. It was all real. It is real."

Whether Quinn believes her in this moment isn't immediately apparent, but it's also the moment Santana appears with Kurt and Blaine in tow, and Julia knows she can't say another word. Santana would probably drag her out of here by her hair, if she's not careful.

Quinn turns away then, starting to walk away, but forgetting that Rachel is actually holding her hand. Neither of them lets go, Rachel's feet carrying her along behind her, Quinn weaving through the small crowds until they're in a dark corner and away from prying eyes. Quinn doesn't release her hand until they've spent a few minutes just standing there, people bustling all around them.

It's a wonder Julia hasn't followed them, but Rachel gets the feeling Santana is enough of an obstacle before she even gets to Rachel and Quinn.

Because Rachel is here, determined to make sure Quinn knows where she stands. Right now, Rachel tells herself the best thing to do is wait her out. She wouldn't even know what to say if she opened her mouth, anyway.

Which is why it's a good thing Quinn is the one to break the silence, deftly releasing Rachel's hand and sliding all ten fingers through her hair. She looks a little lost, overwhelmed by this entire night as a whole, and Rachel wishes she knew how to make it better.

"I didn't tell her," Quinn says, voice strained. "I wouldn't." Her expression is borderline distraught, as if she needs Rachel to believe her. "She just - she was - "

Rachel has hated Julia in the past for a plethora of reasons, but it's this moment right here that truly makes her irredeemable. Quinn has already been through so much in her life, struggled with people betraying and violating her, and she trusted Julia not to be a person to do that to her.

And now here they are.

"She told me she understood what it was like not to be seen," Quinn says, voice quiet. "She said she knew how it felt to be overlooked and not appreciated; to be in the background and watch as the one person you need to see you continually looks everywhere else. She said - " she stops, death catching. "The entire time, she must have known I was talking about you."

And, now, Rachel hates herself almost as much as she hates Julia.

"I'm sorry," Quinn says. "Rachel, I'm so sorry. I swear I didn't know."

Rachel reaches for her now, taking Quinn's right hand in both of her own. "I believe you," she says, because she does, but she also needs Quinn to hear the words as much as she needs to say them. "It's okay."

Quinn looks at her, clearly disbelieving. "I don't know how we got here," she says, and Rachel hates how defeated she sounds. "I don't know how it all came to this, Rachel. Why is everything such a mess?"

Rachel actually has a response to that question, given her own deep-dive into her own feelings. "Because we've both made assumptions and not been clear with each other," she says, knowing they've both been guilty of it. Quinn willingly hid things from her, and Rachel has subconsciously hidden more than she even realised from herself and from everyone else.

Quinn meets her gaze for what feels like the first time. "You're right," she finally says, taking her hand back and straightening her spine. "Then let me be clear with you."

Rachel forces herself not to look away, not entirely sure she's ready for whatever Quinn is going to say.

"You know what I should have told you when I first came out to you," Quinn says, and she sounds tired; exhausted by the events of this night and everything that's come before it. "I should have told you how I felt immediately. It would have saved us all of this pain. I could have known if I stood a chance right at the beginning, and that's my own fault, okay? I blame you for none of that."

"But you do for this," Rachel finishes, because she can sense Quinn's lingering anger. It's just there, simmering under the surface, buried under resignation.

"I should have told you the moment I realised," Quinn says. "I should have stood right in front of you and looked right into your eyes and told you that I had the most wonderful, terrifying realisation."

Rachel can't be sure why she holds her breath, but there's really no other response to the intensity in Quinn's whole being.

She looks very serious when she meets Rachel's gaze. Her voice is calm and steady, holding meaning and lingering heartbreak. "I should have told you that I realised that there was a list of girls in my past whom I managed to develop feelings for and just didn't realise it until it was staring me right in the face," she finally says, eyes deep and intense. "Rachel, I should have told you that you are on that list." She takes a breath. "In fact, you're the most important person on that list."

Rachel can't think of anything to say, heart pounding against her ribs.

Quinn steps forward. "Actually," she says, "you are the list."

Rachel's breath catches, and she's just realised she was never ready for how it would feel to be on the receiving end of Quinn's unfiltered intent. She's all-in at this moment, making sure Rachel knows exactly where she stands.

Quinn says, "That's what I should have told you a long time ago, but I'm telling you now," as she leans forward. "Think about that for a while, and then get back to me," she adds, as if she hasn't just altered Rachel's True North again.

She places the lightest kiss against Rachel's cheek, whispers, "Happy birthday for tomorrow," and then walks away as if the world isn't shaking beneath both their feet.


Rachel finally reads Quinn's book.

The first time is a little jarring. When Santana mentioned the book was about her, Rachel didn't really believe it would be -

Well.

It's very obviously about her. In an overt way. In the sense that Quinn very clearly wasn't trying to hide just how important Rachel seems to have been for her own self-discovery. It's not any kind of autobiography, so Quinn claims, but there are so many elements of her life in the world she's created that it's difficult to discern fact from fiction.

Either way, a character by the name of Mikaila realises she actually loved her female boarding school roommate at a later point in life, and the story goes from the moment she decides to tell said estranged roommate, Ashleigh, about said feelings.

Rachel reads it in one sitting, unable to move from her spot on her bed. She may or may not be hiding - on her birthday, no less - but it isn't even as if Santana is home. Rachel just needs to be alone with her thoughts as she tries to make sense of what she's reading.

She's not very successful.

Santana sends her a text that reads, Quinn's character wanted to bang her 'longtime friend' from the moment they met - ring any bells?, and Rachel doesn't even have a response for her besides, they met when they were twelve, you perve, which, yeah.

Bells have been rung, loud and clear.

Rachel has heard them.

It's after she's read the book for the third time in four days that she stops to think about how she would be feeling about it if she and Quinn hadn't started their whole fake dating ruse.

How would this have played out? Would Quinn have ever actually told her how she felt? Would Rachel have had to find out from the book? Would it have even made sense? Would she have read it and just known? Is there anyone else in Quinn's life any of this could apply to?

If pressed, Rachel's sure she could talk herself in and out of the truth that's right in front of her, but there's no point. The book is just that: a book. What is there even to read into when Quinn has actually looked her in the eye and said, "You are the list?"

They love each other.

They're in love with each other.

Nothing else should matter, right?

Rachel sits with all she's learned and can't bring herself to do anything about it. Quinn doesn't try to contact her and even Santana gives her a wide berth - probably by Quinn's instruction, and possibly her plea.

Rachel's not sure what her next steps are supposed to be. Can she just show up at Quinn's office, or her apartment, and just -

And what?

What would she even say? Haven't they already said all they need to say? Shouldn't this be the easy part? Shouldn't they already have it all figured out? Because she honestly doesn't know what more Quinn needs to hear from her. What more can she say? What will Quinn even believe?

In the end, it takes Rachel only those four days - and an additional five hours - to realise that it's never really mattered to Quinn what she says, anyway. Quinn is the one who uses words. Rachel is the one who -

Well, when she's not using music, she's using actions, and it's about time she acted.

The first thing Rachel does is call Nicole. They haven't talked since it all fell apart in the worst way. As far as Rachel knows, Nicole isn't actually aware of that part, though. All Rachel has managed to relay to her is that yes, it's not just Quinn, though it really is just Quinn.

Even Rachel is confused by that sentence.

Nicole answers with, "Please tell me you're blissfully enjoying the holidays with the love of your life."

Rachel's breath gets stuck in her throat, because the answer is no, but she has every intention of doing that. She just has to get through several difficult conversations first. "Are you?" Rachel asks in response.

Nicole doesn't immediately respond, which really tells Rachel all she needs to know.

"Nicole?"

"Ed's in Boston with his kids," she says.

"And you're not?"

"I'm in New York," Nicole says. "Where are you?"

"New York, as well," Rachel says, sighing. "I haven't spoken to Quinn in four days."

"Why?"

She doesn't really have an answer. All Quinn did is send her a birthday message, which Rachel replied to, but the interaction felt so impersonal. Like it wasn't actually the two of them; like they hit pause on everything else just for that one day.

Rachel didn't end up doing anything to celebrate, anyway. She wasn't up for it, though her cast made sure to get her a (vegan) cake and sing for her before they took to the stage. She claimed to want a quiet evening in, and nobody thought to question her.

Hopefully, her Christmas will be better.

"I'm still figuring things out," Rachel admits. "What's your excuse?"

"I'm pregnant."

Rachel actually gasps, and then she laughs in delight. "Nicole, that's amazing," she says. "Wow. Congratulations." Then she pauses. "Wait. How do we feel about this?"

"I haven't been able to tell him," Nicole admits. "I don't know what's supposed to happen now."

"Sure you do."

Nicole hums. "Well, so do you," she says in response, and it's a wonder how the two of them managed to find each other. "I think we both already know what we're supposed to do."

Rachel chuckles. "Why did I even bother calling, huh?"

"You need to talk to Quinn, and I need to get myself to Boston," Nicole says, voice firm. "That's why you called. To hear me say that."

"So you could hear yourself say it, as well," Rachel returns, feeling just a bit better. "Book your ticket."

"Go get your girl."

Rachel doesn't need to be told twice. She barely wastes a minute after their call ends to gather her things and start making her way to Columbia. It's so close to Christmas already, but she knows Quinn will still be at the office. She also knows that Quinn has no intention of going back to Lima for the holidays.

Getting to Columbia is the easy part. It's a route Rachel is used to, though this time feels different. Something significant is about to happen. Something that will inevitably change the trajectories of their lives.

When she arrives at Quinn's shared office, Quinn is sitting behind her desk, attention on her the right of her two screens, and Rachel is afforded the opportunity just to look at her. It hasn't even been a full week since she saw her, but it suddenly feels like forever. She never wants to go that long without seeing her ever again. She never wants either of them to question where they stand in their relationship ever again, either.

Jason notices her first, and Rachel can only imagine what he thinks of her right now. He can't know the full extent of the situation they're in, but he must know there's been significant drama in her relationship with Quinn recently.

For now, their gazes meet, steady and intense, and Rachel is actually relieved that Quinn does have someone like him in her corner. Someone, who, despite everything, would still rise to protect her in his own way.

Rachel tries for a smile, possibly conveying to him something even she wouldn't recognise. Jason nods only once, and then gets to his feet. Quinn looks towards him then, noticing Rachel standing in the doorway, and her eyes widen in surprise.

"I need some coffee," Jason declares, and then exits the office without another word. He does make sure to give Rachel a look that very clearly says, you better not mess this up.

Rachel's definitely going to try.

As soon as Jason is completely out of sight, Rachel actually knocks on the open door, wanting to give Quinn the option not to have whatever conversation they need to have right now or not.

"Hi," Rachel says, "Are you busy?"

It's Winter Break. Quinn's afternoon is blissfully free of actual commitments, though she does have a PhD meeting with Jordan she's preparing for in the morning.

With a quiet sigh, Quinn saves all her documents and locks her computer, before getting to her feet. "Have you had lunch yet?" she asks.

Rachel hasn't, actually. She was too nervous to eat. "No," she says, "Have you?"

"I was actually going to get a sandwich from Mario's on my way home," she says. "I'm craving a Reuben. They should have something for you, as well."

Rachel nods. "Okay."

Quinn reaches for her bag immediately, packing her notebook and small pencil case before they can leave. She makes sure to lock the office door when they leave, texting Jason to make sure he does, in fact, have his keys with him.

"Shall we?" Quinn finally asks, gesturing with her left hand for Rachel to lead the way.

Rachel starts walking, so relieved when Quinn falls into step beside her. It feels like forever since they've walked side-by-side, Rachel desperate to reach out and hold her hand. She doesn't, of course, because they do need to talk more, but also because it becomes increasingly evident that people are staring at Quinn.

It takes little to no time for Rachel to figure out just why, and she can't stop her grin. "You're famous," she says, breaking their silence as they make their way across a small courtyard.

Quinn glances at her, tips of her ears already pink. "I - no, I wouldn't call it that."

Rachel can't help her laugh. "Oh, my God, you really are." Some tension between them seems to dissipate. "That girl literally just took a picture of you. You're basically a superstar."

Quinn shakes her head. "You're silly," she says, clearly deflecting. Then: "And why is it me you think they're looking at?"

"Excuse me?"

"If one of us has just reached some kind of stardom, my bet's on you," she says. "I'm not the one who's on her way to being a household name, Miss Broadway."

Rachel hums in agreement, and says, "We'd definitely make a power couple, wouldn't we?"

At the sound of those words, Quinn immediately stops walking, and it takes Rachel a few steps to realise. She stops too, turns to face her, and sees the slightly dubious expression on her face. It's not something Rachel is used to, because Quinn knows that Rachel usually says what she means and means what she says.

"We really, really would," she reiterates.

Quinn takes in a shaky breath. "Is that what you want?" she asks.

"To be powerful?"

"The other thing."

Rachel steps forward. "I read your book," she says, in lieu of an answer to her question. "A few times, actually."

Quinn's blush has spread from her ears to her cheeks, steadily working down her neck. "Did you?"

"You know, I don't think you've ever truly accepted just how talented you are," Rachel tells her. "I'm sure, even now, you don't believe that you deserve any of the accolades you're already getting and are bound to receive. Every review, every compliment, do you believe any of it?"

"I keep having to pinch myself, so maybe not," Quinn admits, gaze dropping to the ground rather sheepishly.

"Have you believed anything I've said?"

Quinn visibly swallows. "Have you?"

"You wrote about me," Rachel says, voice gentle enough not to be entirely teasing, but Quinn is firetruck red now, her blush creeping past her shirt's collar and down her chest. "You wrote about us."

"You got that, huh?"

Rachel smiles. "I know I missed all the signs in the past, but you did kind of look me in the eye and tell me that - "

"I love you."

Rachel's breath catches. "Yeah. That."

Quinn risks a smile. "Is that what you want?" she asks again.

"To be a couple?"

"Yeah. That."

Rachel doesn't even hesitate before she's crossing the space between them, hands reaching out for her before she can stop herself. Quinn is already waiting, arms spread to catch her when Rachel essentially throws herself at her.

Rachel kisses her now, not for any kind of pretence and not because any specific person is watching them. Rachel kisses her now, not thinking about anyone but Quinn Fabray, her gorgeous best friend, with whom she's managed to fall in love without even realising it.

Quinn kisses her back for long enough to let Rachel know it's all she wants to be doing, but she is the one to break their kiss, mouth pulled into an easy smile. "We're famous," she says, "We can't just be making out where people can snap pictures of us."

Rachel would tell her she doesn't actually care, but she might in the not too distant future. Now, what she says is, "At least now everyone will know I'm at least a little bit gay."

Quinn rolls her eyes, but she's smiling. "Let's pick up some lunch, and then we can head to my place and talk."

Talk.

Rachel knows it's what they should do. They definitely need to talk, and then talk some more. They need to clear up what's happened in the past, discuss what this all means for them in the present, and decide what they both want from their mutual future.

It's what they need to do, and yet Rachel knows it's probably the last thing they'll actually do.

With the way Quinn keeps looking at her, it's likely they're bound to use their mouths for anything and everything other than talking. It's borderline indecent, really, and Rachel feels hot all over as they make their way to Mario's Sandwich Shop, Quinn taking and keeping hold of her hand the entire way. She lets go only to order and pay for their sandwiches, Rachel not even bothered to fight her on it.

But then Quinn says, "Maybe we should stay and eat here," like she knows what kind of debauchery they could get up to in private.

"Maybe," Rachel agrees, following when Quinn leads them to a table in the corner. They end up sitting next to each other, definitely closer than strictly necessary, particularly in public.

Quinn spends the first few minutes focused on her Reuben sandwich, taking several bites as if she's trying to buy herself time. Rachel just lets her take as much time as she needs, carefully picking at her own vegan turkey sandwich. She's not particularly hungry. She might actually be a bit nauseous.

Which only gets worse when a shadow falls over their table and they both look up to see none other than Megan Porter, her red hair unmistakable. The first thing Rachel feels is disbelief - because this has to be impossible - but that's closely followed by something that could be rage if left unchecked. Truthfully, if she weren't currently sitting in public, she thinks she might scream in frustration.

As it is, Quinn just places a hand on her leg to keep them both calm, giving Megan a polite smile. It's a practiced smile, something Rachel is immensely relieved she's never actually been on the receiving end of.

"Look who it is," Megan says, eyeing them closely. "Always just around, constantly proving me wrong."

"Hello to you too, Megan," Quinn says. "You're not still following us, are you?"

"As if I ever was."

Rachel looks between them, trying to make sense of what is happening right now. She's never managed to figure out whatever the two of them seem to understand about each other, particularly when it comes to where she fits in within this complicated equation.

"So you say," Quinn says.

Megan looks at Rachel for a moment. "I saw the show," she says, voice quieter, less abrasive. "You were very good."

Rachel feels Quinn's hand tighten on her thigh, which is a confusing response to a compliment. "Thank you," she says, not sure what else she should say.

Megan turns to Quinn now, their gazes locked for a few seconds. "Still going strong, I see," she says, and Quinn's jaw clenches for a moment.

It's subconscious, the way Rachel leans against her, and the tension seems to bleed right out of her at the simple act. It's merely an answer to Megan's implied question and observation, the woman's weight shifting when she reads the action for exactly what it is.

Megan nods, just once. "Good," she says. "That's good."

Quinn just keeps her eyes on her, saying nothing more. Rachel can't think of anything else to add, so she doesn't bother to try.

Megan lets the moment turn awkward, and then releases a nervous laugh. "Well, then, take care, okay?"

Now, Quinn says, "You too," and that turns out to be that.

When Megan finally turns and leaves, Rachel releases a long breath. "Is it going to be like that with everyone?" she asks.

Quinn huffs. "Gosh, I hope not," she says. "As far as people know, we maybe just hit a rough patch. Our careers are taking off. It can be stressful for any couple." She meets Rachel's gaze. "Nobody has to know we were ever fake dating when we're now - " she stops quite suddenly.

"Real dating," Rachel offers with a small smile.

Quinn leans in to kiss her cheek, and then her hair, just resting there. "Our story is basically the same as we've always said; how it could have been if one or both of us had been braver," she says. "Only our closest people will ever know the full truth."

Rachel closes her eyes, enjoying their closeness. "I'm sorry I've made it so we have to lie," she says.

"As long as I no longer have to lie to you, I don't really care," Quinn says in response. "Maybe, years from now, we can look back on all of this and be candid about it, but it really is a delicate time in both our professional lives, so I'm actually okay with it if you are."

Rachel places a hand over Quinn's on her thigh, curling her fingers around her palm. When she reopens her eyes, Quinn is already looking at her. "Was it hard?" she asks, "Having to pretend the entire time?"

"What was I pretending?" Quinn asks. "Being with you was everything I ever wanted. I didn't have to pretend for a second of that."

"Quinn."

"It was the restraint that was hard," Quinn admits. "It was torture. Wanting to touch, but not too much. Wanting to spend every second with you, but not wanting to overwhelm you. I was so careful not to make you uncomfortable, because I had all these feelings I couldn't tell you about, and it was - everything was so - "

"Fucking confusing," Rachel offers again, less of a smile on her face this time. "Because it really, really was."

And she doesn't say that as some kind of exaggeration. It really was one of the most confusing situations Rachel has ever experienced, constantly questioning herself, and Quinn, and the fakeness of the relationship Rachel now knows was always everything but. Looking back, she can only pick apart all their moments and see them with a better understanding of herself, and Quinn.

She had her own motivations for her actions, whether she was aware of them or not, but so did Quinn.

"You said no," Rachel says, almost blurting the words. "When I first asked, you said no."

"My feeble attempt at trying to protect myself."

"I'm sorry I ever put you in that position."

"I should have told you my real reservations from the very beginning," Quinn says, shaking her head at them both. "We're shit at communicating, aren't we?"

"I don't think so," Rachel immediately counters. "I think we're actually very good at communicating. There are just very specific things we didn't talk about."

"And now we are?"

"Well, I do think it was you who said you wanted to be clear with me."

Quinn hums. "That was moments before I essentially quoted my own book in order to tell you I have loved you since we met, wasn't it?"

"And you claim I'm the one with dramatic flare."

When Quinn leans in now, she kisses Rachel's mouth. It's just a pressing of lips, because she's just eaten pastrami, and Rachel loves her even more for her consideration. Her eyes are dark and intense when she pulls back, though, and Rachel feels her gaze like a physical touch.

"Want to get out of here?" Quinn asks, and her voice is low, confidential.

Rachel uses her free hand to cup her cheek, keeping her head turned towards her. "I would love nothing more, Quinn," she says, "But I think we still have things to talk about."

"Like what?"

"Julia."

Quinn freezes. "What about her?"

"Are you okay?"

"What? Yes. I'm fine."

Rachel runs the pad of her thumb over Quinn's cheek, searching her eyes for the truth. "You really are, aren't you?"

Quinn hums. "I talked to Denny, actually," she says. "Or Denny talked to me, rather."

"She did?" Rachel frowns. Denny didn't mention anything to her.

"We had lunch, actually," Quinn continues. "She was apologetic and very confused."

Rachel stiffens. "You told her, didn't you?"

"I didn't have to," Quinn says. "It was like she already knew, though she wasn't sure what she knew. Apparently, there's this look about you whenever I allude to my feelings. It's like you look at me as if you don't believe anything is real."

Rachel recalls that Frankie and Jasmine have mentioned something similar in the past. They were clearly seeing something that Rachel wasn't, Quinn's feelings on blast but Rachel not quite caught up to speed.

"But it was, wasn't it?" Rachel whispers. "Everything you ever said. When we were supposed to be pretending. When it was supposed to be all an act, it was all real."

Quinn's smile is sad. "It still is," she confirms. "It's always been."

Rachel takes a deep, calming breath. "And you're really okay?"

"I'm with you right now," she says, "My world is almost perfect."

"Almost?"

Quinn chuckles. "I'm afraid to say you're wearing far too many clothes for it to be completely perfect."

Rachel couldn't possibly stop her blush if she tried, so she doesn't bother. Quinn even lets her gaze drift down Rachel's body, making her shiver, which is something Rachel hopes she never gets used to. "Um."

"Um what?"

Rachel takes another breath. "Do you still wonder?" she asks, "About why Julia ended things?"

"No." The answer comes immediately, with zero hesitation. "Maybe, before, I was hung up on it, but it doesn't matter anymore." She smiles softly. "I do know it had something to do with you, though."

"Oh?"

"You're very triggering for her."

"She was for me, as well."

Quinn nods. "I'm sure we'll spend some time talking about that at some point," she says, "But I don't care about whatever reasons she had for doing whatever she did, because I'm here with you right now, and I really wouldn't trade it for anything else."

Rachel can feel her heart thumping in her chest. She can feel it in her fingertips. "Is it always going to be like this?" she asks.

"Like that?"

"Do you always - those words - are those just things you say?"

"Yes." Again, there's no hesitation. "I told you I'm taking a page - or a chapter, really - out of my book, and I'm going for it. I know, and you know, and I'm so sick of fighting this. I'm done trying to deny what I've known from the moment I met you, Rachel. Back then, I wasn't ready for you, but I am now."

It's all so much.

Quinn has always been an intense person, but it's something else entirely being her entire focus; being the one she can't and won't look away from. It's no wonder it took Rachel so long to figure it out - it's enough to overwhelm a person if you were to acknowledge it for what it is.

Real.

It's all just so real.

Rachel puffs out a breath. "Yeah. Okay."

"What?"

"We should get out of here."

Quinn blinks in surprise. "I thought you said we had things to talk about."

"And we do," Rachel agrees. "And we will. I just would much rather be kissing you right now, and I can't really do that the way I want to while we're in here."

Quinn doesn't look shellshocked, though it's something close. If anything, she looks as if all her dreams are currently coming true. Which is something Rachel wasn't aware she would ever be able to give her.

"But you're probably going to have to brush your teeth first," Rachel points out. "I love you, but I don't really want to be tasting pastrami."

Quinn grins. "You have great plans for me, huh?"

"I just think we've wasted enough time," she says, "Don't you?"

Quinn kisses her cheek. "My place?"

Once Rachel agrees, they don't do much more talking. Quinn gathers their food scraps for the trash, food the last thing on their minds, and then they're leaving Mario's at a pace that would give away their intentions if it weren't New York during the holidays.

Everyone is already in a rush. Rachel isn't even embarrassed by her eagerness to get Quinn behind closed doors, determined to kiss her without a single other thought and not worry at all about whether or not it will be well-received.

On the way, Quinn actually turns to her and says, "I actually got you a birthday present," in the tone of voice that promises great and wonderful things for Rachel Berry.

"Oh?"

"It's actually a physical gift," Quinn clarifies, almost as if she's caught the suggestion in her own voice. "I bought it a while ago, when we were - you know, still doing whatever we were doing."

If she's being honest, Rachel doesn't care a single iota about what Quinn might have bought her. All she's thinking about right now is getting Quinn behind closed doors and taking off her clothes. It's her mission, right in this moment, and they can worry about everything else once she's accomplished it.

Quinn must be able to tell, because her smile turns into a smirk. "Yeah. Okay. I guess I'll give it to you later."

Rachel just squeezes the hand she's holding, not needing to speak. Maybe they're actually done talking. For now, at least. They have the rest of their lives to talk to each other; years and years to spend making sure they keep communicating about all the important things.

They've made this silent, mutual decision that they're going to Quinn's apartment for one reason and one reason only. Which is why it's entirely baffling to Rachel that the moment Quinn closes the door behind them, they kind of just stand and stare at each other like they suddenly don't know how to use their limbs.

Rachel hasn't really given it enough conscious thought. She's never had to wonder about the two of them being physically compatible - their hands already fit together; she already knows their bodies will. So why does it feel as if this is the first time they've been here?

Quinn shifts her weight backwards, leaning against the wall behind her and looking oddly nervous. "I - what time do you have to be at the theatre?"

Rachel stands perfectly still. "Not until six-thirty at the latest," she says. "We have time."

"Oh."

Rachel studies her closely, trying to figure out just what seems to have her spooked. It's when her eyes dart to the closed door to the side that Rachel figures it out, because this isn't the first time they've been here.

In fact, the last time they were here, caught up in a moment similar to this, ended rather disastrously. She can picture it in her memory now, the way she had Quinn pressed against that exact door and kissed her so thoroughly; the way Quinn bent and bowed at Rachel's touch; and the way she dazedly whispered, "God, I've wanted this for so long."

Oh.

Oh, there it is.

That night, Rachel left Quinn right here, dazed and confused and heartbroken, and Quinn is probably worrying this moment might end in a similar manner. It won't, of course, but there's only so much communication going on between the head and the heart after so much has already happened to prove otherwise.

Rachel takes a small step towards Quinn. "We don't have to do anything," she offers.

"I want to," Quinn immediately says, as if she needs Rachel to know. "I just - "

"I know," Rachel says, because she doesn't need Quinn to stumble through some kind of explanation. She's allowed to feel whatever she feels without having to justify it - least of all to Rachel. "And we will."

"Just maybe not today," Quinn whispers. "Maybe, I don't know, maybe we could go on a date first, or just hang out. I don't - just, you know, I'd really like to do that. I really just want to date you."

Rachel's mouth pulls into a smile. "Okay. Yeah. We're going to do that. We're going to date.

"For a really long time."

"For forever."

"Cool."

"Okay."

Quinn lets out an awkward laugh. "Is this weird?" she asks. "It feels weird."

Rachel suspects there's something very specific Quinn needs her to say; something that would alleviate whatever fear that's just reared its ugly head. "It doesn't have to be weird," she says. "It's just the two of us. You and me. Quinn and Rachel. We've known each other since we were fourteen. And, apparently, one or both of us have loved each other for just as long."

Quinn's smile shifts from awkward to amused, and Rachel loves her. Absolutely adores her. "Apparently," she mutters with a roll of her eyes.

Rachel takes another step closer. "Apparently," she echoes.

Quinn's smile shifts again, softening. The way she looks at Rachel is like something she's never experienced before. Oh. This is what it's like to have Quinn hold nothing back. This is what it feels like to have Quinn stop hiding how she feels around her.

It is overwhelming in all the best ways.

"Whoa."

A crease forms in Quinn's brow. "What?"

"Nothing," Rachel says. "I just really love you, is all."

Quinn's expression immediately relaxes, her eyes getting impossibly softer. "Yeah?"

"So much," Rachel murmurs.

"Enough to continue our Harry Potter marathon with me?" she asks, all sweet and hopeful.

"Probably more than that," Rachel concedes with a smile. "But, yeah, where are we up to again?"

She doesn't even have to spend a moment thinking about it. "Half-Blood Prince," she answers. "We're really in the depressed, lovestruck years of Harry's life."

"Which is in such contrast to our own lives, hmm?" Rachel quips.

"I know I'm acting a bit nutty right now, but this really is the happiest I've ever been, and I - shit, I don't know what to do with it. It's like my body just - it's such a foreign - it's just all so new."

Rachel reaches for her hands. "Come on," she says, "Let's go watch Harry pine over Ginny, and I can remind you that nothing much has to change about whom we are to each other."

"Nothing has to change, huh?"

"Only whatever you want to."

Quinn nods slowly. "We can cuddle, right?" she asks, voice quiet. "Can I hold you?"

Rachel smiles, automatic. "Yeah," she says, "Never let go."

Quinn finally pushes off the wall, right into Rachel's arms. "I think I can handle that."


AN: Quinn's book is actually an original novel I've written. I'm still working on how best to get it to the world, but please watch this space.