This chapter is inspired 'II Mondo' ('The World') a song composed by Carlo Pes, Lilli Greco, Gianni Meccia and Jimmy Fontana; performed by Jimmy Fontana, Arrangements made from Ennio Morricone, one of the most prolific composers of all time.
'II Mondo'
('The World')
No, stanotte amore
(No, tonight my love)
Non ho più pensato a te
(I stopped thinking about you)
Ho aperto gli occhi
(I opened my eyes)
Per guardare intorno a me
(To look around me)
E intorno a me
(And around me)
Girava il mondo come sempre
(The world was moving as always)
Gira, il mondo gira
(Turns, the world turns)
Nello spazio senza fine
(In space without an end)
Con gli amori appena nati
(With loves that have just begun)
Con gli amori già finiti
(With loves that have died)
Con la gioia e col dolore
(With the joy and with pain)
Della gente come me
(Of people like me)
O mondo
(Oh world)
Soltanto adesso, io ti guardo
(Only now I look at you)
Nel tuo silenzio io mi perdo
(In your silence I disappear)
E sono niente accanto a te
(And I am nothing next to you)
Il mondo
(The world)
Non si é fermato mai un momento
(Has not stopped for even a moment)
La notte insegue sempre il giorno
(The night always follows the day)
Ed il giorno verrà
(And the day will come)
O mondo
(Oh world)
Present..…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ
Past..…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ
Dream..…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ
*Oji-sama: A Japanese term that usually identifies a masculine presenting person; an 'Uncle' someone who is a more mature aged sibling to a parent, or a close family member. Also used to identify a 'middle aged man' or 'old man'. -Sama used for someone of high regard or seen as extremely polite.
*Monogatari: A traditional Japanese literature style in the form of a long adventurous tale.
*Oka-san: A Japanese word that refers to a feminine presenting parent, 'Mom' or 'Mother'.
*Oba-san: A Japanese word that loosely translates to 'Aunt', a feminine presenting sister of parent or close relative, but can also refer to a 'middle aged woman'.
*Tsukesage: A type of semi-formal kimono, where smaller, less fluid motifs, are placed on the back right shoulder, and sleeve; front left shoulder and sleeve; across the hem, higher at the left than the right.
*Boku no/ Watashi wa ikitai: A Japanese phrase used to depict the feeling, 'I want to live.' 'Boku no', used by a younger masculine presenting person and 'Watashi wa' used for a feminine presenting person.
*Hai, Hai: A Japanese phrase, using 'Hai' that directly translates to 'Yes' but is also used for phrasing like 'Affirmative' or 'I understand', the phrase 'Hai, Hai' is used to reflect a flippant type of attitude or to sound cheeky.
Act IV:
'I Want to Change; I Want to Live!'
…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ
'Maa...I got so thin.' Neji exhaled, inspecting himself in the floor length mirror in front of him, edges of his reflection, framed in the rising steam and condensation. He had quickly skimmed over his forehead, still not use to seeing it bare.
The pale brunette, hair twisted on top of his head into a bun, angling his hips and feet to the right, his front stayed toward the mirror. He let his hands, at his sides, carefully drag over the bare skin of his thighs, then abdomen, traveling past his chest, coming to rest on his shoulders, his muscle tightening before he sighed again, relaxing his posture.
He sat gingerly in the bath big enough to loosely cross his legs, water stopping at his pecs. He hadn't been super ripped before but, you could definitely tell he'd lost the lean definition he'd kept up, his arms and legs looking significantly slimmer.
The Hyuuga was trying to relax, pulling his legs tighter to his body, arms enveloping them. His skin glistened, under the single, warm light above, lowly illuminating him; the bath water sloshed as glossy wet beads glided down fair knees and shoulders, flushed from heat. He was mulling over his uncle's words, cupping the water in his hands to examine the little, dried, white and blue flowers amongst tiny slivers of tangerines and blood oranges added to the medical salts.
They put him in the hospital room they'd usually use for Hinata if she had sustained critical injuries. There was a private bathroom, covered head to toe in dark wood; stone trim accents the bottom half of the walls and the surface of a round, wooden, tub for soaking, it's placed in the corner across from the shower and wash basin. That's how the brunette knew, Hiashi was serious in his, and the elders, proposal for him to become head of the clan.
The brunette the water slowly drain from his hands, gaze fixated on the small bits of potpourri covering his palms. It was a great honor, something he'd sometimes daydream about as he strove to be recognized by his clan, and even more, it was an even greater apology from his uncle and dear cousins.
He wasn't dense, he knew this was probably something heavily advocated by them, he was aware of the guilt they've felt about his treatment and his father's death. Since the brunette has allowed them in his life, they have tried at every opportunity to make it up to him, Hanabi not even bringing it up during their visit.
Neji rinsed his hands, putting one on his left shoulder and rotating it steadily backwards, stopping to roll his neck even slower; he let his hand fall to the scars on his abdomen, letting his fingers trail through the oily waters around the tender skin. -But, he also knew this was a chance for the elders to bind him to them, to allow him to fall into stance as their martyr, their toy. So, he can be the face of the clan, the hero that gave his life for their princess and lived. It made every cell in him scream, to run far away. Hiashi had advised him to try and think about this offer but the brunette, for once, was going to listen to his gut, to his heart.
A hand clinched into a fist in the water in front his belly, he gritted his teeth. When the thought of going back to the compound crosses his mind, his chest tightens uncomfortably, as if he cannot breathe, he's filled with dread. He feels guilty about possibly making his cousin's feel like he's abandoned them but—
He could feel himself walking through the main house, the hairs raising on the back of his neck; he could almost hear their hushed muttering now, the elders complaining about how disappointed they are that their favorite weapon has been broken, and once he has spoken out of turn, they will make him watch as they replace him like some household tool. Though they no longer enforce the curse seal, he knows that's how they still view him and the others they look down upon; he has seen with his own eyes how the elders have treated their family members as disposable, the brunette once believing himself as so.
'Perhaps their influence has not totally left me...' The brunette closed his eyes, going slack, shoulders drooping, letting his hands rest in his lap.
Parts of the war were coming back with every person he spoke to, like foggy dreams interrupting the regular stationed program of reality. The brunette knows he'd sacrifice himself for his friends in a heartbeat, they were more than worthy, they were amazing ninjas and even better companions, but the Hyuuga couldn't deny it, there had been a time when he was little too eager to throw his life away recklessly. Though he had risked his life before, something normalized to him at a young age, he had not expected to feel such a deep seeded need to live when confronted with his end when he knew what was at stake.
Letting his arms fall limply to his sides at the bottom of the tub, he leaned his head back to peer past the light shining down on him. He was tired of people influencing his thoughts and the way he lived his life. Sometimes he thinks about what it would be like if things were different.
The image of the child he was before his father's death, standing next to the boy he had to become to survive and the teen he became after letting in his peers, surfaced in his mind. His own father had wished him free from the fate that he had been birthed into, Neji wants to honor him but most of all, he wants to honor the younger versions of himself too scared to live in their truth from the social pressures of their clan.
'I hope you can forgive me... Oji-sama* but— I may not be returning to the Hyuuga estate.' He had made up his mind, nodding to himself, sitting up as water swished around his movements, licking the sides of the tub. There was still the problem of where he could possibly go.
One of the shorter hairs that framed his face fell from its place, softly brushing his shoulder, tickling him, sending a shiver up his spine, he absentmindedly tucks the fringe into the rest of the bundle, thinking back on his talk with his cousin's, the brunette wraps his arms around himself.
Hinata and Hanabi had informed him that Lee, had gone to great lengths to maintain his hair while he had been comatose. Telling him that the black-haired Shinobi had come to the Hyuuga estate with Sakura, Ino and Tenten, inquiring about his haircare routine, asking tips and even practicing on the five of them while they were there. His rival went to great lengths to write down every step in the little notebook he kept for inspirational quotes from Gai-sensei, buying products from the store and even paying Hinata herself. The Hyuuga noticed that even his nails had been trimmed and polished in a clear lacquer, and the skin on his face was basically immaculate.
He bemoaned, his head crashed into his hands, a flush crawling up his neck, it wasn't that he was embarrassed about how he took care of his hair at home, or distraught about the attentiveness of his teammate, he just knew how the guys could be.
When it came to that, he really was more than appreciative of how much thought his teammate put into being attentive but the brunette still didn't want to be called high maintenance or prissy for taking pride in the health of his hair.
Once he had hit puberty his mane started to grow thick and tangle much easier than when he was a child. A time when children outside of his clan had tried to tease him; Neji putting a stop to that by a show of strength. He started paying more attention to the products in his hair and the way he applied them. Often, the day after a rough mission, the Hyuuga unwinds by tending to his locks, applying masques, rice water rinses, serums, oils and a special pomade made by Hinata. His day-to-day care was much simpler but in his younger years he had heard many times that a man's routine should be slim to nothing, that preening was for women.
Though, Neji knew there was nothing gendered about caring for one's appearance—
No, he was embarrassed about how his thoughts would drift to his rival, his strong, attentive hands, unbandaged. Thinking about how he carefully unbraided his hair, untangling the strands with gentle fingers; the brunette feels goosebumps forming, the phantom feeling of hands caressing the back of his neck, messaging his scalp, stroking—
Lowering himself, he blew bubbles under the water, abashed.
The young man rubbed both hands down the back of his neck, the rosy colour, traveling to his face. Hyuuga, Neji wasn't usually this distracted when it came to people touching him, something he did have to get use to after becoming friends with, and being around people like, Gai, Lee and Naruto.
All this new information provided to him on his rival's behavior since he's been asleep, the steady rolling film replaying in his head like a TV drama, his rival, crying for him, quitting missions, tending to his body while he slumbered on, he should probably feel humiliated or disturbed but instead it was making the pit of his stomach feel, weird—
Warm and fluttery.
He had taken his hair down to inspect the growth while his bath was filling, it had been just below the middle of his back but after a year of Lee's care, it had grown to the back of the brunette's knees. Just when he was thinking about how ridiculous the length had gotten, suddenly; it was as if his rival was there behind him, an apparition forming out of the rising vapour, his ghostly hands gently caressing his hair so softly, it felt like the plucking of strings, on the strands brushing against his back—
—The flushed Hyuuga stood up hurriedly, trying to escape his thoughts, quickly stepping out of the tub.
Dressed in loose fitting white pants, he begins to feel woozy, having to stable himself on the nearest wall. When he closed his eyes to ease his sufferings, flashes of the warzone swim in his vision, his head band sliding off, his blood pumping adrenaline through his veins at the thought.
He struggled to gasp, kneeling to the ground, he mentally thanked himself for remembering to take his inhaler to the bathroom at the last minute. It only took one hit to ease the pain in his chest, hand trembling, he grabbed his shirt and headed to his bed, laying down until he calmed.
Pale eyes hazily peered at the ceiling above him, listening to his own breathing as it regulated and his sights settled, wondering how long it'd take for him to feel normal again, his bare chest begin to cool from exposure. He didn't feel bad all the time, and some of the soreness in his body had eased with the medical salts and oils he used in the bath, but the brunette could tell he had to move significantly slower if he didn't want to cause a spell of dizziness or breathlessness.
As his senses settled, he finished dressing, a simple matching robe top and dark grey haori for warmth. The brunette began the process of carefully re-braiding his hair to its previous state. A style he didn't often wear but decided to keep; it was way too long and too much of a hassle to deal with in his current condition. It has nothing to do with the fact that it was a hair style his eternal rival had chosen for him, and he would never admit out loud to anyone even under threat.
Now knowing that moving fast was a no go, he slowly sat up trying to ignore the flush in his ears, positioning himself to meditate, his mind circling the conversation he had with the artist this morning.
Sai had sounded like a jealous lover.
The pale eyed brunettes hand grabbed his elbow and the other his chin, which initially, he had come to the conclusion that he was envious of the Naruto and Sasuke's friendship, sounding more like the artists wanted equal footing among his housemates.
—Until he had started to describe the way he wanted to be cared for. There had been a bit of a romantic tone that he wanted to question Sai about before they had been interrupted, his detailing of Neji's final exit made him stop in his tracks, did this mean Sai thought Lee had feelings for him?
He flopped back onto the bed; sheets partly askew from where he lay before. The desire in which the artist spoke, longing for the attention the brunette had gotten for his demise, but from the infamous pair. The Hyuuga's mind settled on —if he had to question if there had been romance, then there indeed, had been. Sai was in love with Naruto, their group of friends already suspecting as such after the artist had joined team Kakashi, always speaking highly of the blonde, his dream of becoming Hokage and the friendships he's cultivated, but what is his interpretation of Lee's feelings of a close rivalry? He thought it was simply the byproduct of their Sensei's odd ways.
Besides, last he heard the green-clad ninja was head over heels for a certain pink haired Kunoichi.
Neji turned his back to the windows, exhaling, eyes tracing over the different florals in the room, eyes flickering to the nameless red roses. It seemed that Sai's regards towards Sasuke, are more than that of friendship. The brunette recognizes the nervous feelings of not knowing how people will react to something you feel strongly about, about truly being yourself. If it is true that the artist might have an attraction for Naruto and Sasuke, he can see why he chose his words carefully. Their friends may be open minded, but there is still no way to gauge how one will react to such a topic.
The artist was smart, ultimately leaving room for denial, if there had been a need, but the Hyuuga was going to take this challenge head on. His friend has chosen him to discuss something sensitive, regardless of the known close-minded nature of his clan. The brunette wanted to meet him with compassion; it's hard to be different, living in a place that expects you to conform to a mold. The brunette was excited to have another friend who is different like him, the other being Tenten. His teammate had confided in him long ago that, woman alone, is who she admired, Neji admitting that he didn't have a preference either way.
The Hyuuga complimented her ease at telling him, he had once felt ashamed about his preferences, or lack thereof, when he was aspiring to be the golden child of his family. Knowing at a young age, he'd have to marry someone, most likely arranged by his clan, to have a strong child that will grow up and go to war for them as his father had done before, and his father before him. Neji was left thinking, there was no use in entertaining any other thoughts or dreams. The pair had left the conversation at that, leaning on each other under a tree in a comfortable silence, both feeling a little closer as friends.
He turned to lay flat on his back, a leg bent up and the opposite arm thrown across his forehead, it seemed there was no use focusing his mind, he'd have to wait for his thoughts to run their course, sights shifting towards the window, mind wandering aimlessly, gazing vacantly at greyed clouds washing the sky of blue.
The brunette didn't make it five minutes before his mind decided his dream with Lee was a better focus. A flush crawling up his ears, his eyes shut, trying to focus but the images of his rival's gentle face leaning towards his and the sound of his name coming off his teammate's lips—
'Neji.'
It was resounding in his head, his eyes snapped open wide, the flush filling out the rest of his top half, he covered his face with both hands. A Shinobi's mind was supposed to be well trained, the brunette often considered himself a master, needing incredible concentration to master the Byakugan. Once he was above the age 8, he could control his subconscious and his dreams.
He didn't often have them, finding them a distraction when he was younger, unnecessary to his goal and the habit simply continued as he got older, assisting with clarity to his jumbled thoughts. Only having the occasional slip up, when he was super exhausted or had a particularly scarring mission. Those always came in the forms of nightmares, disappointing his clan members, being overtaken by the enemy, or even his least favorite to reminisce, a dream in which he had failed to save his eternal rival.
His body stilled at the memory, the night his team had arrived home from rescuing Gaara, his mind not replacing his teammates body with the Kazekage's, but added lying serenely next to him as if the two Shinobi were only sleeping. He still feels the way his body had ripped awake from dreamland, ninjutsu activated, heart beating like a hummingbird, the fear and anguish that had alighted him before reality swept in. The Hyuuga had never felt fear as he had then, staying shaken until the next day he could see the green clad ninja.
He sighed rubbing his hands down his face, considering everything that's happened, it's no wonder that his thoughts weren't in his favor, the Hyuuga decided reading might be a better choice.
That had proven bigger mistake.
He turned and picked up the book sitting on the table beside his bed, pulled out from the bag of clothes left by his cousins. A monogatari*, a story he's only heard once from his childhood that he didn't remember well, hoping it would suffice as a distraction.
It however, only brought back old memories and worries he had tried desperately to suppress in his childhood. He was absently tracing the cover of the book brought to him by his dear cousin. A story clinging to his consciousness, lying dormant until his psyche had time to deal with what had followed.
'The Tale of The Bamboo Cutter...' Neji's fingertips carefully tracing the colorful, worn cover.
…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ
After Neji had been branded and introduced to Hinata, they hadn't spent a lot of time together, especially since father passed. Usually, the little brunette was standoffish to those at the main house but today was special, it was his 5th birthday. His uncle was gone from the main house along with serval others from the main branch, he was sent to stay with Hinata and her Oka-san*.
That afternoon he was quickly escorted into the living area and was surprised with popping confetti, balloons and a banner, made in Hinata's messy handwriting.
'Happy Birthday Neji-niisan'
Oba-sama* even helped his cousin bake a cake, Neji didn't like sweet things, but he remembers the strawberry shortcake they made that day was better than any of the store-bought cakes he had before.
The rest of the day was spent eating yummy food, and playing games, they even bought sparklers they lit up after the sun started to go down but that night, came his favorite part. Oba-sama had rolled out futons for them to sleep on in one of the sitting rooms. They each had their baths before settling in with warm milk tea and a book, 'The Tale of the Bamboo Cutter', his cousin shyly telling him it's one of her favorites.
He feels like he's too old; or worse, no one would care if he said out loud, the nights he doesn't end up silently crying himself to sleep, he lays in bed desperately longing to hear his father read to him. The stories his Otou-san would tell, were of great Shinobis and adventures however Neji had never listened to a story like this, auntie's voice was soft and steady, reciting the story from memory as Hinata and Neji followed along in her book. She even used different voices and inflections for different characters, making us giggle and gasp in wonder, the feeling of awe was different than listening to adventure stories, this felt more magical.
Hinata had fallen asleep before her mother finished the long tale, the birthday boy had barely held on till the end. Oba-sama let out a light chuckle at Neji's persistence before bidding her nephew goodnight.
"Oba-sama.." The little Hyuuga whispered quietly as to not wake up his cousin.
"Do you think when Kaguya-hime returned to the moon, she got to be happy?" His eyes staying closed a little longer with every blink. Auntie looked at her nephew for a moment before bending down to put a hand on his head.
"In life we cannot escape moments of sadness, but it is those moments that help us cherish the things in life that make us happy." She spoke warmly, Neji nodded like he understood even though he didn't, before closing his eyes.
"I think if Kaguya-hime is to ever regain the memory of her time on earth, she would remember them fondly." She whispered, hesitating before kissing his forehead.
"Happy birthday, Neji." Was the last thing he heard as he drifted off to sleep.
The sun had barely rose when Hinata woke him giggling, when Neji eyes focused on his cousin, she was draped in an oversized white robe decked out in dramatic makeup she had obviously done by herself.
"I'm princess Kaguya!" She whispered excitedly.
The end look was a bit messy but that didn't stop five-year-old Neji from being impressed, he gasped. This started their game of pretend. They danced around the room exclaiming praises of how beautiful the Hime-sama was and how sad she was pretending to be of earth, knowing she had to return to the moon. Hinata giggling trying to spin gracefully, ends up stumbling over her feet.
"Here! Hinata-sama, try it like this!" The little brunette says excitedly before showing his cousin his dance moves.
Neji extends both of his arms to the right using the momentum from swinging them behind himself and around to spin his whole body before using chakra to stop and pose, one hand in the air and the other down at his side. It was Hinata's turn to gasp, impressed.
"Neji-niisan! That was really good." She said in awe then exclaimed excitedly. "Now it's your turn to play Kaguya-hime!"
She shed the white robe from over her night clothes and gave it to her cousin. As Neji puts the play robe on, with a little more care than his cousin, Hinata turns around digging through a pretty, green, brocade box.
He will never forget the bright red carnations decorating, the beautiful green box, it looked like a magical item that could belong to Kaguya-Hime. When his cousin turned, her grin could split her face in half, in her hands a mirror, brush, sponge, rouge, face powder and eye pencil.
Neji grabbed her hand before she could touch his face with a brush that obviously had too much powder on it. He shook the brush to get some of the fine particles out, making Hinata sneeze as it flowed through the air. The tiny brunette chuckled before he took her hand again with the brush and lightly dusted his face with it. The older Hyuuga guided Hinata like that through the whole process until his face was complete.
"You look beautiful Neji-niisan!" She clapped her hands together, watching her cousin inspect himself in the mirror shyly. It had been fun to play with Hinata like this, even with the makeshift robe and makeup, the end result had made the little brunette feel... pretty.
Neji hasn't felt pretty before, he had always thought that was something for girls, a feeling he wouldn't get to experience because of the fate he had been born into.
"Oh Kaaaguya-hime! You are the most beauuutiful girl in the whole world! Would you please dance for me?" Hinata starting to play, bowing down to her cousin making Neji giggle, bringing the sleeve in his hand in front of his mouth, he begins his act.
"If you wish a favor of Kaguya-hime, you must provide me with a gift! A magical box that grants wishes! A box to change my fate!" Hinata can't keep a straight face, getting up to pick up the green box and present it to her cousin.
"Kaguya-hime! I have traveled far and wide to find the magical box to grant your wish!" She spoke between giggles. He carefully takes the box in his hands smiling at his cousin.
"Very well." He nods with a smile. "I shall preform a dance for you!" Setting the box between himself and his cousin. The tiny brunette jumps suddenly, spinning and landing with his left leg bent, right leg and both arms extending in front towards Hinata, then using the momentum of swinging his left hand, he twirls himself away to the middle of the room to start his dance. She squealed in delight and began to clap a beat for Neji to dance to.
The children were smiling and laughing a s he danced around the room, eventually softly swaying and twirling over to Hinata to persuade her into joining his shenanigans. Neji had taught her a few simple moves so they could dance together, when the door suddenly opened, they turned their heads when they heard a gasp.
"Neji." His uncle said angrily, Oba-san looking at Hinata in disapproval.
The children were silent.
Hiashi marched in front of his nephew and reached out as if to grab him, but the brunette flinched back, first confused and then afraid. Hiashi stopped and looking at him with a look of disgust, Oba-san was kneeling in front of Hinata telling her she knows she's not allowed to take things that aren't hers and gestures to the makeup box, neither of them ever look at Neji.
"Go wash that crap off." Hiashi's tone filled with malice. He flinched again when his uncle spoke, as if he had been slapped before ducking his head down and running out of the room.
When the little brunette shut the door to the bathroom he sank down, hugging his knees as he cried wanting to know why his uncle looked at him like that, why his uncle was so angry at him, he wished his father was there to help him not feel so different.
'I thought I was pretty? -Was I doing something wrong?...' Neji wept into his arms. He knew his uncle could be hateful, seeing the way he had treated his father during training before his passing, but it had confused him seeing Hiashi react so harshly to him innocently enjoying his cousin's favorite game. It had destroyed any last wavering thoughts on how the little brunette felt about expressing himself openly.
He learned that no matter how good something felt, if it went against what his clan thought was right, it was wrong. What he felt was wrong.
In turn, the tiny brunette felt there was something wrong with him, since it seemed he was the only one who felt that way. It meant that Neji, was wrong, he was different.
He was weird.
For the next 12 years, he tried his hardest to be someone his clan could be proud of; trying to be normal. The little Hyuuga never thought about being different ever again, he strived for perfection, to be recognized by his clan.
Hinata and Neji were very careful to not cross each other's paths ever again.
…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ
Neji blinked and sat back, starring at the book in his hands. He didn't know the last time he thought about that day; he began spending his birthdays alone, and when he got older, with his team. Something he had pushed far into the back of his mind was now resurfacing, perhaps from the shock of his injury, he sighed.
'Or maybe now that I have all this free time on my hands.' He thought rolling his eyes; something was loosening the tight hold he had.
The Hyuuga shook his head and stood up from his bed, opening the door to his room, he looks left and right before adventuring out, hopefully a walk will help clear his head. Strolling through the quiet hall, he didn't sense many people on this floor, but he kept himself alert not wanting to be caught outside of his room by Tsunade or Sakura, they were quite scary when angered.
The brunette had been familiar with gender roles already by that age, then really understanding that there are things they wanted Shinobi and Kunoichi to learn, separately, once he started school; their class dividing into boys and girls for certain lessons. It was probably then, when he started hearing children bully each other for being too girly or too boyish, too messy or too clean, things that labeled you as strong, or weak.
When his father was still with him, he often wrote them off, his Otou-san teaching him that sometimes kids could be cruel and misguided. Someone commented about how he carried himself every so often, those who didn't know of him, as if any trace femininity was the end all of man. Neji's abilities kept them from saying anything too extreme, knowing the Hyuuga would have no problem proving to them who was better physically, in a spar.
Besides their bodies, as a child he didn't understand the difference between men and women. When either talked about the other, it always boiled down to boys not liking the girls because of things they labeled as girly, and the girls not liking the boys because...
Well, the boys are immature.
Strength had nothing to do with it because there are plenty of just as strong women and as far as Neji was concerned, they definitely learned things faster than men. Everyone had different attitudes and personality traits depending on where they are from and how they are raised.
The brunette stopped in his tracks, taking a moment to look out the window, slowly tracing the details of the Village Hidden in the Leaves.
To this Hyuuga, gender was all in the matter of how you want to be presented, others were not too keen to his sentiment. His clan especially, having rigid ways on how we should play our roles as members of the clan, our duty to follow the leaders' orders.
A warm glow from the windows lit his profile, the brunette tucked a wild hair behind his ear. After a while, Neji had forgotten about the mask he wore, it had become a part of him along with the stress of hiding himself that came with it. All those times he had to pretend to not be as concerned as looking neat, turning away interest in cute things and anything else labeled strictly for women, openly voicing disinterest in shopping even though Neji's gaze always stops on a particularly beautiful garment, or barrette, lying to himself, saying it would be pretty on someone like Hinata or Tenten.
He had gotten so caught up in his life trying to be the perfect Hyuuga, ignoring what was locked within him, he had forgotten about the things he had denied himself.
The things he never thought he'd even dream of.
When he was a kid, it was so serious, it was of the upmost importance to keep up the charade and after everything that has happened to him, putting that mask back up seemed a little too superficial.
Neji turned his back to the window, the clouds had diffused, allowing a golden beam of light to flood the crown of the brunette's head. He leaned back against the wall crossing his arms in front of his chest, his forehead and nose casting shadows across his face, after a minute he pushed off the wall and kept moving forward through the barren halls.
The lines being blurred between the presentation of men or women had never bothered him, his parents both had long hair, they were neat, with great mannerisms. Traits, he had been given the hallowed excuse over the years from people outside of the Hyuuga clan, that was mainly for women.
Young Neji had no clue what hair length had to do with giving birth, the only thing that divided men from women.
He unconsciously lifted his hands to hug himself, growing up it was just him and his father until he sacrificed himself, his mother dying at childbirth, his Otou-san took care of him, telling him that he would try his best to be both the mama and the papa. Working hard to provide for his family and clan, to the little Hyuuga, he was the strongest man in the world, but he also could be kind. He taught his child he could do anything he put his mind to, something the brunette proved by teaching himself the ways of the ninja after his father's death.
He crossed his arms drifting past empty rooms, their clan's standards were impossible, and the environment could become suffocating, saying they were strict would be downplaying the inhumane practices they had enforced in the past. Teaching yourself was grueling, but the young Hyuuga focused to become recognized for greatness.
The memory of his birthday and his uncle seemed to unlock everything he had put off thinking about, like the times his father spoke of his mother, you could tell how deeply he missed her by the way he talked about her. He would often tell Neji about what an elegant, strong, courageous and caring woman she was. The paled eyed brunette had forgotten how much his heart used to yearn to meet her just once.
His gaze casted downward, a smile blossoming on his face. It was arranged when they were young, but they grew to be very close before they married. His father always reminding him though they hadn't met by their own circumstances, they were brought together by fate to make him. His heart gave a painful squeeze full of love for his father, for the mother he only knows through stories and pictures.
It overtook him, the image of his memories fading into view, he was watching the younger version of himself and his father, retelling his favorite story of the only informal picture his parents had ever taken.
.…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ
They were young adults in the picture, his father and mother dressed in their summer kimonos, sleeves rolled up, his father in white, decorated in dark blue and grey cranes and a grey obi, long brown hair, tied loosely at the base of his neck, forehead wrapped in bandages to hide the curse mark. He was looking surprised, sitting across from a pale woman, her kimono Tsukesage* style, decorated in red spider lilies and red obi, her long black hair tied in a high ponytail with a red ribbon, barrettes holding her bangs, a determined glint in her eye and a cheeky grin on her face, lightly done up with makeup. Their right hands were joined at the center, and she definitely had the upper hand.
A story his father would tell of his mother that always made him giggle, how a man, twice her size, had bumped into her harshly.
Hizashi stepped in and demanded the man to apologize but he didn't back down, claiming he'd only apologize if he was beaten in an arm-wrestling match. The man's goons pulled out two stools and a table, his father sat, ready to honor his future wife, people started to crowd around but his father was utterly stunned when the black haired woman tied her hair up and pushed the man who had bumped her, out of the way to sit down; she grabbed her fiancé's hand, and claimed she could honor herself by, not only beating Hizashi, but also the man who had wronged her.
—Although she never got to face the one who issued the challenge in the first place, he had tucked his tail and ran after being shoved and watching Hizashi get his ass handed to him in a matter of seconds. A perfect moment captured by a random gentleman walking the festival taking pictures and to the little Hyuuga, that had been the most amazing picture he'd ever seen.
The moment he had seen the photo, Neji had thought to himself, it didn't matter whether you were a boy or a girl.
You could be strong and beautiful.
..…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ
'And I had forgotten...' He paused, standing in place, vision becoming blurred; after his father died, it had been too painful to look at their things, he kept them boxed up in the storage of their family's home. He closed his eyes, to shield himself from the pain, he had let the elders and his clan claim his fate and push away what he really wanted.
To be like that woman who inspired him the moment he saw her, his Oka-san.
'I—I wonder what it would have been like; if I had been brave enough to be... myself.' The brunette thinks, opening his eyes.
'Maybe that's why...' He takes a step forward. 'Boku no*...'
"—Watashi wa... -Ikitai*..." Neji spoke aloud for the first time.
He was about to bound the corner when he heard the voice of Sakura leaving the room of another patient, the brunette frowned at himself as he concealed his chakra and flattened his back against the wall listening for her footsteps, when he heard them retreat in the opposite direction, he continued to the top floor of the hospital, taking a moment to rest when the coast was clear. He put a hand over the thumping of his beating heart, breath regulating.
What will his teammates think? What will they think when he tells them about his injury? A sense of panic welled inside him, there were new buildings, new people, while he had slumbered on, things had kept changing without him. He wasn't sure what to make of the feeling inside that the thought gave him. It made him feel— forgotten, like no one needed him, like he was alone, on a stage where every member of the production has disappeared, leaving just him, a single light and the audience, waiting for him to fuck up.
The brunette put a hand over his injured lung. His mind flashed to the flowers in his room, his conversation with Sai and his cousins. He pressed his palm firmly to his chest, breathing in, letting the air fill his lungs before pushing it out.
Entertaining thoughts like that would be a disservice to his comrades, who believed in him and awaited his return. Continuing to wander the halls aimlessly thinking about his predicament, he knows he'll receive unending support but, there's still a little sliver of doubt in the back of his mind, worried now that he can no longer be a Shinobi, will he be left behind? A performer, left without even an audience to perform for?
'Had Sai known?' The brunette paused in his steps. The artist had been caring for his body while he had been unconscious for months, he must have had some knowledge on his condition. A flush creeping up his neck thinking about his newfound friend's parting words. His reminder to make sure his touch was strictly professional, or he'll have to reconsider their friendship.
'I wouldn't have objected to someone trustworthy, like Lee—' He couldn't finish the thought, feeling the heat on his neck rise.
'Maybe I'm still unwell...' Neji tried to lie to himself, but it made him feel more embarrassed, a flush creeping up his ears.
"Or maybe it's brain damage..." He murmured to himself with his face in his hands.
After Neji began to open up, the cringing humiliation he felt towards Lee, his mentor and their hideous green jumpsuits, had long gave away to admiration. Rock Lee had proven to be an incredible Shinobi, dedicated to his word, a passionately caring friend, with an amazing sense of justice. The Hyuuga had tried to push down the feeling that had plagued him long ago but still, it persists.
…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ
The feelings had crept— deliberate; unwavering; tenderly.
Before, Neji was convinced Lee was a complete baka. Having no control over his chakra, taking the pathway of the ninja. He thought it was a fool's errand and his insults didn't stop until the brunette had been thoroughly defeated during the Chunin exams. After that talk with Naruto and his uncle, the way he thought was irrevocably changed.
The paled eyed Shinobi felt as if the weight of the world had lifted off of him. This allowed him to explore how he felt about life, on his own, separate from what the Hyuuga elders thought was right.
He began to actually spend time with his teammates and Sensei outside of just missions. They all became so close before the blood shed of the war; they had even talked about a monthly dinner hosted at their mentor's house. Neji had even surprised himself in the ways he had begun to relax outside of his clan's domain. There were not a lot of warm exchanges in the Hyuuga household, and the Shinobi was finally making an effort to tear down his defensive walls to make true friends.
So, of course, that left him completely blindsided by Lee's kindness.
The brunette had lived until his early teens thinking that showing emotion was not a part of being a good Shinobi or the Hyuuga principles, but then he broke down his walls and what he found on the other side had surprised him. His mind felt lighter, his vision clearer, and his heart more open than he could remember ever being, making connections and cherishing them.
That's when the feeling started, spending everyday with the black-haired Shinobi, sparring, going on missions, eating meals, he begun truly seeing him, he had grown to appreciate the way, Lee worm'd his way into his heart. There was never a dull moment around him and the way he lived his life, earnestly showing emotion, fearlessly voicing his opinions and being affectionate towards the ones he cared for most; it had melted a part of Neji he thought he'd never thaw. The taijutsu user didn't need to shed his feelings to become a better ninja, he used every ounce of his emotions to prove to everyone that it's not about status or natural talent.
Lee had become an amazing Shinobi using raw dedication, hard work and the sheer will to want to do it.
'Was he always like this?' Neji remembers thinking. Truly in the beginning he thought Lee was simple-minded, but the longer they spent time talking, and surprisingly sometimes laughing together, the brunette found himself charmed beyond his comprehension. He couldn't fathom why Lee would show such grace and compassion towards him, after he was being so outright horrible to him.
It wasn't long after they started their companionship, the Hyuuga needed to clear the air and a few thoughts plaguing his mind. He pushed himself off the tree he was leaning against, hands at his sides to keep from wringing them anxiously, he approached his teammate.
"Lee." He started, clearing his throat to catch the Shinobi's attention.
The green clad ninja in question was stretching his legs after a long sparring session with his self-proclaimed rival, he stopped, turning his full attention to the brunette with a smile that shined, the brown-haired Shinobi ignored the quickening of his pulse.
"Yes, my greatest rival!" The taijutsu specialist responded happily, closing the distance between them.
"Lee, when we were first introduced as team members, and even after, I said some horrible things and I-" His nervous apology was cut off by a bandaged wrapped hand in his face.
"Speak no more of the past my dear friend! There is no need for such words!" Lee spoke confidently giving him a thumbs ups with one hand, leaving his other to rest on Neji's shoulder, the brunette turned his burning face to ignore the tingling under his teammate's palm as he spoke again.
"I know we have all gone through many hardships. I've seen you overcome the challenges that you were burden with from a young age and I am proud of how you have risen from it, my friend! I am proud to be the rival of you, Neji, not because of your clan, but because of the person you've become." The air around them grew tepid when Lee finished; the brown-haired Hyuuga knew his companion was kind, but he still wasn't ready for the onslaught of forgiveness and understanding.
"Now!" Lee exclaimed, fist in the air. "I lost the sparring match this time my eternal rival, in return I'll run 400 laps around Konoha!" Neji gave a light scoff before stretching a hand out to catch the sleeve of Lee's jumpsuit before he took off.
"Why don't you just buy lunch for us both as punishment." The brunette Shinobi smirked, inwardly he was unwilling to let go of their time together after his friend's proclamation, Lee paused before a grin broke out over his face.
"It would be my honor to buy lunch for my best friend!" The green clad ninja exclaimed with joy, throwing an arm over his rival's shoulders, directing him into town. Lee launched into questions and idle chatter about what they should eat before noticing how silent he was; the black-haired Shinobi took his arm from around his silent companion.
"Are you okay Neji-kun?" He asked out of concern trying to read his rival's pensive face.
"I-... I've never had a best friend before." The Hyuuga said stumbled out shyly with a light flush of embarrassment tinting his pale skin. The black-haired Shinobi blinked in surprise, his ears catching the blush on his teammate's cheeks.
"Oh! — Me, neither." Lee exclaimed hooking his arm into Neji's, starting to walk again. The taijutsu specialist looked off into the distance, smiling softly.
"When we were young, I was determined to have you recognize me." The black-haired Shinobi stated, clenching the first of his free hand. " One day I was so frustrated during training, I cried to Gai-sensei." He chuckled to himself at the memories, scratching his cheek.
"I was surprised when he told me stories of him and Kakashi-sensei, they use to have a similar relationship to the one you and I shared back then... Suddenly, I felt... A lot better. More than better, it gave me the strength to keep training harder." He said turning his head to look at Neji who was staring at him owlishly.
"I knew if I worked hard and waited patiently, one day it would pay off. One day I'd be someone that even Hyuuga, Neji could be proud to call his rival!" Lee's smile would've blinded him if he hadn't already been star-struck by his words.
"I am proud to call you my rival, Lee." Neji spoke confidently meeting his gaze, heart swelling from Lee's sweet honesty, the brunette thought his rival was grinning handsomely, the flush on his ears darkening, the pale eyed Shinobi had to turn from the scene, breath caught in his throat, as if his eyes had caught the brilliant shine of the sun.
…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ
There was no ignoring them now.
Neji pulled shaky hands away from his face, scanning his smooth palms, he had tried many times to stay away from these thoughts but his talk with Sai had made it even harder. The Hyuuga was not dense enough to ignore his own feelings, the way the artist discussed his situation had sparked excitement at the possibility.
He gripped the shirt on his chest, heart beating wildly despite his calm breathing. There was a cold sweat on the back of his neck and the hairs on his arms rose up, thinking about seeing his rival after all that has happened. Hanabi had took just a bit too much pleasure at telling him the rumor going around the village about Lee, that he quit to care for Neji. Cursing his cousin for making them sound like, lov—
He had to muffle the squawk of sound bubbling in his throat, refusing to finish that thought; you could almost see the steam pouring from his ears, his brain steeping, his face redder than the cut of roses he noticed tucked in the corner of his room by the exit, the only vase without a name attached.
He needed to get a grip.
Neji usually had much better control of his wandering thoughts, never daring to entertain anything like this before. He had to keep everything different about himself under lock and key from a young age and regrettably, it left him a little emotionally stunted.
The brunette rubbed the back of his neck, a tired look came over his face, he was working to heal those traumas from his childhood, growing up feeling no control over his body or life— no choice but to follow the path sat before him, become a weapon to protect the main branch of his clan and lay his life down for them. If he was lucky to survive long enough, he would marry and have kids to continue the Hyuuga bloodline, raise his children to do the same, romance was never an option.
He let out a breath, dropping his hand. When he learned the truth about his father's death, nothing had changed too drastically, until he opened himself up to his friends, started having fun, wanting to be a great Shinobi not for the recognition of his clan but for the strength to protect his friends did the brunette began to think about what he wanted in life when his companions talked about their hopes and dreams, the things that brought them happiness, his mind unexpectedly turned to Lee, his teammate, and rival.
His friend's enthusiasm for life was contagious, he found himself laughing and having fun any time he was near him. Being around him made him want to be a better person to the point where the brunette looked forward to seeing his rival on a daily basis, knowing when he was with him, he could let down his barriers.
His face coloured, he never thought he would play the fool for love, but he knew the time would come; and love would be cruel, because love, in Neji's philosophy— was cruel to everyone. In this world, to love someone means eventually, you will have to let them go.
This was one of many fears that kept him from entertaining any thoughts of confessing what he might feel for the black haired taijutsu specialist, while also telling himself he had a duty to his clan. He didn't even know for sure what he could call these feelings, not wanting to jump to conclusions before he was sure of himself. The Hyuuga kept them down, deep, hidden away, wanting to savour their relationship as it was without any awkwardness but now, he was worried about his dear rival, awaiting him in his dreams, the sound of Lee's voice whispering his name in his ears.
It intrigued him the way his teammate could throw himself into proclamations of love so easily, knowing the kind of lifestyle they live. It was a topic the Hyuuga's mind didn't want to touch on continuously, the unattainable possibility that he could be in a romantic relationship with his esteemed rival, if that is even what he wanted.
Footsteps behind him caught him unaware, and in a brief sense of panic, Neji gathered chakra to the bottom of his feet, jumping through the open center of four flights of stairs before crouching out of the way of the amber light, casted on to the cool toned stillness, from the window of the door to the roof. He listened for the footsteps to follow but they passed, furthering down the hall, he relaxed, sitting on the floor, letting out the breath he was holding.
When the brunette breathed in, it was cut short, his heart thumping hard, his breath hitched again making him cough before Neji reached in his robe and pulled out his inhaler. He pressed on the button inhaling twice before he felt his lungs relax, leaning back against the door trying to catch his breath, when it opened and he fell flat on his back, blinking up at a familiar face coming into focus.
"Shikamaru?" The pale eyed brunette questioned with a wheeze, cigarette smoke filling his nostrils, making him cough once again.
"Neji? — What are you doing on the floor?" The Nara spoke, confusion on his face.
"Oh, you know." He replied on the ground, between coughs. "Contemplating my existence."
Shikamaru snorted, lending a hand to help the trembling brunette carefully off the ground, and down the first flight of stairs away from the smell of smoke. The ever-slumbering genius was dress in his Jonin gear, leaning against the wall facing the brunette who sat on the steps catching his breath.
He sees kinship in the Nara for having a similar fate, born into a generation of ninjas known for their skills, the powers at be choosing the kind of life you'll live depending on what's going to serve your village the best and now, their fathers also share the same fate. The Hyuuga was currently at a loss on what he should do with himself regarding his condition, feeling like now was a good time as any, to gain the shadow users opinion on the matter.
'Perhaps I could...' Neji thought mildly, Sai's openness rubbing off on him.
"Shikamaru...Could I ask you somethin—" The Hyuuga stopped short, the chess master looking at him curiously.
"-On second thought, maybe this is too embarrassing..." He said looking away, a flush crawling up his neck, the brown-haired Shinobi chuckled.
"Don't chicken out now... I'm all ears." Shikamaru said, taking out his pack of cigarettes, putting one in his mouth, freezing when he look up at the brunette like he was thinking about sparking it, then thought better of it and put it behind his ear.
"I take it you know about my condition." Neji spoke, clearing his throat, looking up at his comrade who visibly paused before scratching the back of his head guiltily.
"Sorry, Ino let it slip when she found out from Sakura." The shadow user put his other hand in his pocket.
"Women are so troublesome." He grumbled and Neji chuckled a bit before silence settled around the pair.
"If...If you had a chance to live the life you wanted, but you might disappoint the people you love... Would you still do it?" The pale eyed brunette whispered into the silent staircase; his companion took some time before he replied.
"Of course, because in the end, if you are being true to yourself, the people who truly love you will understand." Shikamaru stated as a fact, nonchalantly shrugging his shoulders.
"But what about honoring your family, what if what you want, goes against what they value?" The Hyuuga prompted softly.
"...Shinobi, at their core, have only ever fought to protect their people, so the people they care for have the freedom to live harmonious lives, free to choose their own fates." The shadow user crossed his arms while he spoke.
"I believe our parents were ninjas who believed in that sort of thing, and they would think of us as foolish if we did not take the chance." Nara shrugged again, gazes meeting.
"Or maybe I've been spending too much time with Naruto." Shikamaru muttered looking away, a flush crept up his ears as he scratched his face, Neji looked away from him.
"I had to stop myself from reacting like I was a child. Kicking and screaming, fully deny my reality with a vengeance. I felt as if this had been another one of my choices taken from me." The pale eyed brunette started. "I had to realize I only felt that way because —I was afraid. I was scared about what my family would think, how my friends would react; thinking how I would be left behind with nothing to tie me and my comrades together..."
"I realize that those thoughts are insecurities bred by fear, there was no telling how anyone would act and even if I might lose someone I hold dear...there will still be people who will have my back." The Hyuuga gaining the courage to look up at his friend.
"That's right." Shikamaru tipped his head with a smile in agreement. "You'll always have me and the others to support you, Neji."
The brunette felt his heart squeeze, solidifying another friendship in one day, he thinks Naruto would be proud, he smiles warmly at the shadow-jutsu user who pushed himself off the wall and started down the stairs.
"Let's get back before I get caught with you, I'm trying to avoid a tongue lashing from Sakura." Said the pre-tired Nara, thinking about the exchange.
"Oh, uh I—I need some help...I kind of overexerted myself using chakra..." Neji finished looking away guiltily.
The Jonin sighed, putting the cigarette behind his ear back in his pack as he came back up the stairs standing in front of the long-haired brunette, offering out his hand to him. For a moment the Hyuuga could see them clear as day in his head, the both of them as children, before Neji had to bear the mark and burdens of his family, just a kid accepting the friendship of another. The brunette reached out to take the outstretched hand, but the chess master quickly lifted his hand out of reach, softly delivering a swift, single chop to the top of his head.
"Baaka." Shikamaru said smiling affectionately at him, Neji's mouth slightly agape in shock, a hand touching the place he hit. The shadow user bent down and motioned for the brunette to get on his back, the Hyuuga opened his mouth to protest.
"Think of it as your punishment." The shadow-jutstu user smirked over his shoulder; eventually the reluctant brunette sighed, defeated and climbed onto his companions back.
'I really do feel a lot better now...' Thinking as he was lifted into the air by Shikamaru standing slowly.
Sharing his thoughts had helped alleviate some of the stress he felt. He may not know what path he will take, but at least he has the support of his friends. The chess master carefully descending the stairs, Neji purposefully wrapped his arms around his friend's shoulders.
"Arigato, Shikamaru...I- I'm sorry about your Papa..." The Hyuuga whispered softly as they walk along empty halls, his grip tightening around the Jonin carrying him, a quietness passed before he spoke up.
"It's...good to see you awake my friend." He spoke with a look on his face that Neji couldn't quite see even though the sun had breached the thin veil of the clouds outside the windows, bathing the pair in a tangerine coloured haze as they somberly shuffled through the halls.
He didn't pity him, the Hyuuga remembering how much he, himself, disdained it as a kid after his father's passing. The brunette just thought, he might have a grasp on what the brown-haired Shinobi might be feeling; a young boy, quelled with responsibilities that were never his in the first place. Rising up to act, as if we were actually capable of such decisions before their brains were fully developed. Not that Neji didn't think they were intelligent enough it's just—
Knowing that Shikamaru, who is currently supporting his body carefully, so he won't jostle him, who intuitively, temporarily curbed the coping mechanism of addiction in favor of his friend's health, that his favorite thing is—
Watching the clouds pass until the warmth of the sun engulfs his senses completely until he's lulled into a deep sleep; Neji understood his tired demeanor, looking back on it, they started so young, too young.
It almost felt like a trick.
It's those thoughts that makes the Hyuuga wonder, did this cigarette addicted, chess playing, napping narcoleptic, who was, not only actually carrying him, but carrying the weight of the world, ever dream? Of his care-free times as a child? Of the times when he wasn't burdened with the troubles of adulthood; or did he only have nightmares of the horrors that life brought now that he had become a man who had to bury his father.
"Do you ever wonder... what it would've been like if we had been —average?" The pale eyed brunette whispered into the still air, and after a while he replied.
"Hn... I think being average is overrated..." The chess master turned his face towards the brown haired Hyuuga, giving him a small smirk, the pale eyed brunette coyly smiled back, he could almost hear the 'Or whatever' behind his companion's closed lips.
They were about to round the corner to his room when they feel the chakra of many of their friends at his door. The Hyuuga immediately sensed Lee and tensed, hand immediately flying to pull at Shikamaru's ear.
"P-put me down!" The long-haired brunette demanded in a whisper, embarrassed flush on his face. Neji didn't want anyone to see him being carried around.
"Hai, Hai*, Hime-sama." The offended Nara grunted, dropping him to rub the sore spot, muttering about 'Troublesome Hyuugas' as the long-haired brunette straightens his clothes, staring at the shadow user.
"Payback for your violent transgressions against Neji-Hime." The Hyuuga punctuated the sentence by sticking his tongue out at his friend before turning on his heel to see his other companions, a chuckling Jonin, following behind him.
He rounded the corner and Lee was already rushing towards his direction.
"Neji." He breathed.
.…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ
A: _(:з)∠)_
