Chapter 5 - Cardigan
A friend to all is a friend to none
Chase two girls, lose the one
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" she screams at him.
She was furious. From the moment she spotted him walk into her yard, without Chrissy, she'd been looking for an excuse to take her anger out on him. Now that she had found one, she wasn't going to let him walk away without explaining himself.
.
.
The only reason she let Josie convince her to have this damn party was so that she could forget about her latest argument with Hopper. Her parents never went away, not together, so when they told Joyce they'd be out of town for the funeral of a distant relative, she was ecstatic to have the house to herself for the entire weekend.
When she bragged about having the place to herself to Josie, Josie suggested she have a party for their classmates. Initially, Joyce was unsure. If her parents ended up returning early, things wouldn't end well for her. Josie won her over by promising it would be fun and a perfect distraction from her fallout with Hopper. After they returned home from the party at the lake, she had explained what happened with Hopper to her friend, who lent a sympathetic ear and told her that Hopper didn't deserve her.
It was designed to be the perfect distraction. Plus, she figured it might get Hopper's attention. She realized the irony of wanting both things, distracting herself while hoping her rash decision would catch his attention, but she wanted him to hear about the party and think she'd moved past their argument. She wanted him to believe that she was living her best life without him, even if the truth was that she was miserable without him around. What she didn't expect was for him to show up at the party, solo.
The moment she spotted him, she could feel the tension building in her body. She told herself not to let it bother her because the less she showed him it bothered her, the more bothered she knew he would be. Hopper had always been funny like that; he would be more inclined to pay attention to her if she paid no attention to him.
But he was staring at her. She was certain his eyes had been glued to her all evening and it made her angrier. He didn't get to look at her that way, not when the entire purpose of this party was to distract herself from the pain he caused her. He didn't get to show up alone and stare at her like that. She was going to make sure he knew it wasn't alright with her.
Joyce considers lecturing him sooner than she does, but gets distracted by Josie introducing her to a few of her friends. She notices him laughing across the party and her stomach flutters. Goosebumps scatter across her freckled arms and she blushes, embarrassed that the sound of his laugh could impact her in such a way.
She reminds herself he chose Chrissy over her. She replays their last conversation and tries to recall the pitying look in his eye when he weakly attempted to apologize for leaving her in the lurch, but none of it is of any use. She's falling down the rabbit hole of what-if scenarios when Josie asks if she needs another drink and she nods.
Why did he come here? It was possible it was because he wasn't one to pass up a party, but him showing up alone yet again struck her as odd and she couldn't help but wonder, was there a reason he came here alone tonight?
.
.
Not long after Hopper shows up at the party, Joyce finds herself alone with Josie near the table holding the drinks.
"He came?!" Josie asks, eyes growing wide.
"I'm trying not to focus on that. There's a party going on," Joyce replies.
"That's the spirit! You know who I saw come in a little while ago?"
"Who?"
"Lonnie," Josie winks.
"Josie, I told you I'm not super interested in Lonnie."
"But he's super interested in you."
"He's nice. I just don't think there's a spark there."
"You've never even kissed him, what if there is?"
"You're a horrible influence," Joyce laughs.
"I'm just saying, if you never try you'll never know. Besides," she smirks, "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."
"Oh god," Joyce rolls her eyes.
Josie waves and flits off across the lawn towards a group of her friends and Joyce decides to grab another drink before joining her.
She fetches a can of beer and pops it open when she spots Benny, one of Hopper's best friends, flirting with a girl named Helen. Ducking to avoid making eye contact, Joyce turns her back to the pair. She's prepared to rejoin her friends when she overhears Benny say something interesting.
Curious, she leans in so she can listen to the conversation, careful to not draw attention to herself from where she is standing on the opposite side of the table.
"Maybe we should introduce my friend to yours," Joyce hears Helen tell Benny.
"He's seeing someone."
"Then why is he here alone?"
"Can you keep a secret?"
"Try me."
"It's Joyce's party," Benny explains.
"Am I supposed to know what that means?" Helen asks.
"As far as I know, Hopper didn't even ask Chrissy to come with him."
"I still don't get it," the girl admits.
"He would kill me if he knew I was saying this, because he would never admit it but it's pretty obvious that he has feelings for Joyce."
"You think he's interested in Joyce?!" Helen says loud enough that Joyce would have heard without trying to listen in.
"Shh," Benny hushes her.
"But he's still dating Chrissy?"
"Well I didn't say he was going to date Joyce. You've seen the two of them, they're usually thick as thieves."
"Then why do you think he's interested in Joyce?"
"Isn't it obvious? He always has been."
Joyce pales and forces herself to walk away, not wanting to hear any more. Benny had known Hopper almost as long as she had, and she trusted that he knew him in ways she didn't (it was a guy bond type thing), which meant she trusted what he had to say about Hopper.
Feeling nauseous and unsteady, she stumbles into the bathroom on the first floor of the house and splashes her face with cold water.
She and Hopper had been best friends for years. For years she wondered if there could be something more between them, but she always drew the same conclusion, they were meant to be friends. Hopper never showed any signs that he was interested in something more, and while she decided years ago that she might want something more, she wasn't willing to risk their friendship to pursue a possibility.
But what if she was wrong? What if after all this time, he wanted the same thing she did? It's irrational, but a small part of her hopes that she's right about why he showed up here alone. A larger part of her is angry with him for continuing to ruin her evening, even without having spoken a word to her. She loathed him for putting a damper this evening; her night of fun that was designed to allow her to forget about him. She wishes he would be upfront about the way he felt so that she could follow his lead.
The more she thinks about it, the more upset she gets. Hopper was supposed to be the one person who soothed her anxiety, not ramped it up.
She downs her beer, dries off her face and returns to her party on a mission to rip into Hopper for raining on her party parade. Joyce is intercepted by a group of girls she'd recently met and joins in on their conversation. She forces herself to laugh at the jokes made, and while she really likes the ladies, her mind is preoccupied and she fiddles with the hem of her shirt, anxiously waiting to excuse herself and find Hopper.
He's talking to Allen, a student in their class on the far side of the lawn and she wastes no time in approaching him. She storms up to him and shoves him away from Allen and yells at him.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"What's wrong with me?! You're the one who came over here swinging."
She notices a few people turn to observe the argument and steps closer to him so she can whisper her next question.
"What the hell are you doing here?" she demands to know.
"I'm at the party?"
"You know what I mean!" she exclaims, allowing the frustration to slip into her voice.
"Just trying to enjoy the party."
"Alone?"
"I don't know if you noticed, but I was talking to Allen before you rudely interrupted us."
Joyce turns to look at Allen and uses that as an excuse to put some distance between them.
"Where's your girlfriend tonight?" she says. Her voice catches when she uses the term girlfriend to describe Chrissy. It causes her to cringe.
"Not here." He says. Looking down at her, he pauses before speaking again, "look Joyce. I need to talk to you."
"Because our last conversation went so well," she laughs to herself. She'd gone over their last conversation countless times, each time only fuelling her anger and desire to lash out at him.
"Joyce, I care about you and I'm worried. Throwing parties because your parents are away, talking to all these people when we both know you can't stand most of them, ignoring me…"
"Ignoring you? I'm ignoring you?! That's rich, Hop." She feels her cheeks flush and her arms angrily flop at her sides.
"Is this because of Chrissy? Is that why you won't listen to my apology?"
"Please, I don't give a shit about Chrissy," Joyce says in her most convincing tone. At least, she hopes it sounds convincing.
"Then would you care to fill me in on what the hell is going on here? Because one second everything is fine and the next you can hardly look at me. I know I screwed up by bailing on you but I've been trying to tell you that I'm sorry."
She paces away from him, folds her arms and then paces back. Did he really think she was upset about that? Was he so clueless that he didn't realize why she was actually upset? She always thought that Hopper knew her better than anyone, now she was wondering if he knew her at all.
"Do you have some type of alarm that goes off in your head when I'm happy?"
It's a rhetorical question, but something she's been wondering since he stepped foot in her yard that evening.
"What?"
"You show up here, at MY party and insist that you care about me when really all you want to do is apologize so that you'll feel better about yourself. You know what, go fuck yourself!"
She moves to turn and storm away but he catches her wrist before she can and her eyes meet his pleading ones. He tugs on her arm gently, and she gives into his pull, hoping that maybe he's going to tell her the real reason he showed up at her party without Chrissy. She follows as he leads them away from the party and towards the dead rose garden along the side of the house, digging in her heels to show him she was still in a feisty mood and wasn't planning on giving in without giving him an earful.
"Hopper what the hell!" she protests, looking back in the direction of the party. "You can't just drag me off and…"
She doesn't get a chance to finish her thought because she's being pressed against the wall and her mind is consumed by the taste of him. She stills at first, the force at which he pins her to the wall shocking her. It takes a moment for her mind to register what's happening. Hopper is kissing her. And before she can consciously decide what she wants to do, she's moving her lips against his.
His lips are on hers hot and fast while he grinds down into her hips. His hands are framing her face, large-open palms planted on the brick of the house. She almost gasps when the bulge in his jeans brushes against her inner thigh, but prevents the sound from escaping her throat by leaning into the kiss. He tilts his head to deepen the kiss and brings his hand down to caress her cheek. The moment she feels his thumb brush against her cheek, she realizes what's happening - what they're doing, and she panics.
She pulls back and slaps him across the face with her left hand. He reaches for his swollen cheek and Joyce shoves him away from her with both of her hands.
"What the hell are you doing?!"
"Joyce, I-"
She waits for him to continue, but Hopper stands there staring at her with his mouth hung open.
"You what?!" She says on his behalf, "saw me having a good time and decided it would be fun to ruin it?"
"No, that's not…"
"Not it? Hmm, let me see, got bored of Chrissy and thought why not drag me into the mess that is your love life?"
She doesn't mean to sound so cruel, but she's livid with him for dragging her into his mess. Based on what she just learned from Benny, Hopper was dealing with some internal debate that involved him having feelings for both her and Chrissy, and she didn't care to be caught in a love triangle. Especially not when the third member was one of the most popular seniors in school.
If he had something to say to her, he could tell her with his words, rather than press his tongue into her mouth and hope that conveyed his message.
"I thought that maybe you wanted me to…"
"Why the hell would I want that?" she spits.
She did. But not like this.
"Don't you…"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence! You didn't do that because you thought I wanted you too, and I think we both know that." She needs him to say it, to tell her that he felt it too; the connection between them. Their kiss proved that what she thought might be there between them, was, and now Joyce was holding out hope that he would confess the real reason he showed up at the party alone. For the briefest instant, she lets herself believe that the reason is because he wanted to be alone with her.
She pulls her shoulders back, trying to make herself taller while she squares up to him and asks "why did you do that?"
Hopper stares across the yard at her and sighs. She can see the resignation in his eyes and she knows he either isn't ready to admit what she wants him to say, or he doesn't feel the way she hoped he might.
"Can't say it? Figures," she scoffs. "Get the hell off my property."
She storms off in the direction of the party, looking to lose herself in a sea of unfamiliar faces and a few cans of beer.
.
.
Joyce works her way through the crowd and towards the table of drinks with a purpose. Determined not to let herself cry, she pops open a can of beer and immediately downs half of the contents. She wasn't surprised that he couldn't tell her how he felt. Hopper had never been extremely in touch with his feelings, and she knew that he was infatuated with Chrissy. Even if he did have feelings for her, he had Chrissy and no reason to choose her over the perfect blonde. Sure, they had a history but she wasn't tall and beautiful like the cheerleader was and she knows that she'll never measure up.
Telling herself to forget about it, Joyce looks around for someone to talk to. She spots Josie standing with a few of their peers across the yard and waves. Before going over to them, she finishes her drink and crinkles the can in her hand. She tries to forget about everything that happened in the garden, but the taste of him is still heavy on her lips and she's certain she smells like him.
The worst part of this entire situation was that while Hopper was popular with the girls in their class, he'd never had a serious girlfriend before Chrissy. Girls would catch his attention for a few weeks at a time, but then they would be phased out and Joyce never had to think about how she would feel if he started spending more time with one of them instead of with her. She never believed he would find someone to get serious with in highschool; he was always going on about how the girls at their school we're too immature.
She smiles to herself, thinking about the time they lay in the field behind her house looking at the stars when he told her he hated all girls and that she was the exception.
Laying in the field behind Joyce's house, Hopper points up at one of the constellations and smiles.
"That's Ursa Major."
Joyce rolls onto her side and meets his gaze with a pointed look. "You're making that up." She rolls her eyes.
"I am not! That's what it's called."
"You have no idea what stars make up the constellations," she snorts.
"Come here, I'll show you," he says. She sits up and slides closer to him, stopping when she's within his reach, she lays on her back and stares up at the star filled sky. It was a cool summer evening, the only sounds aside from their voices the chirping of crickets in the nearby weeds. Joyce loved the summer. Everything about it made her feel a steading calmness and she yearned for the orange-hued skies and the late night adventures that accompanied it.
"It starts here," Hopper says, raising his hand and pointing towards a star on the left of Joyce. When he notices she's struggling to identify the one he's referring to, he takes her hand and guides it until she's pointing at the glowing orb. "There."
"Then, here," he explains, guiding her hand to the next star in the constellation.
It wasn't uncommon for the pair to spend time in the field behind Joyce's house. It was where they spent most of their childhood summers, and growing up saw a shift from playing tag to talking and lounging around, but the location remained a favourite for both of them. It was silent and secluded and neither of them felt any pressure to be anyone besides themselves when spending time amongst the grass.
"How did you know what that constellation was?" she asks after he releases her hand and they go back to staring up at the sky in silence.
"I looked it up once to impress Laura on a date."
"A waste of energy," Joyce giggles. Laura was a girl that Hopper was crazy about at the beginning of the summer. He spent weeks trying to convince her to go out with him only to have her break things off with him after the first date and he was devastated.
"Girls suck," he remarks.
"Hey!" she smacks him playfully. "I'm a girl."
"You don't count."
"Why don't I count?" she whines.
"Because you're my favourite girl."
Unsure of how to respond to his compliment, Joyce grins and stares up at the night sky. They lay side-by-side in silence, hands resting inches apart, enjoying the company of one another for the rest of the evening.
Joyce can't help but laugh at the irony that plagued her life. Hopper was with Chrissy and now was when she decided she had feelings for him. Now was when he decided to finally make a move and kiss her.
Jim Hopper kissed her; her mind is trapped in the memory. Her hand comes up and runs along the edge of her lower lip and she shutters.
There was a time when Joyce could confidently say that she knew Hopper. He was the guy that wore a flannel and Levi's every day because he didn't care to be "fashionable." He never bothered to comb his hair and he secretly had a huge heart. But he had become a different person when he began dating Chrissy. The boy she knew would never have done something as rash as kissing her, especially not while he was dating someone else. In touch with his feelings or not, she was beginning to notice that he was different around their peers.
With their classmates at school, he was the popular jock who got girls and good grades. With her, he was an insecure kid who had no clue what he wanted to do with his life after graduation. He was a kind ear and a passionate storyteller; he was always the first person to comfort her. He drew stars around her scars and reminded her that she was stronger than she knew and she always found solace in his arms.
He wasn't that person tonight. He hadn't been in weeks. He chose the life that came with dating Chrissy and she was left lusting after a version of him that ceased to exist.
Part of her wonders if he'll ever be ready to admit that there may be something more between them. She knew he'd miss her once the thrill of being with Chrissy expired, but would he ever admit that he missed her in a way that extended beyond their decade long friendship? Or, was Hopper destined to always be with someone like Chrissy; the type of girl she would never be.
An absolute mess of emotions, Joyce rejoins Josie and a few of their classmates and does her best to distract herself from her inner demons. Hopper wasn't going to ruin this evening for her. He could be as reckless as he wanted, he wasn't going to drag her into his mess. The kiss didn't change anything. If anything, she was angrier than she was before she approached him tonight. He couldn't just choose to want her when it was convenient for him. She was no one's second choice.
Lonnie Byers joins their circle not long after Joyce does. Standing next to her, he compliments her on her outfit and tells her the party is incredible. She lets him flirt with her because it's easy, he's nice enough and part of her wants Hopper to see when she places her hand on Lonnie's shoulder and laughs. As wrong as it is, she wants him to hurt the way she does.
Lonnie asks if she wants to join him and talk away from the group. She nods and follows, catching the unsubtle wink Josie tosses in their direction as they head off to be alone. They talk about school and make pleasant small talk about the people they know at the party. It's not exactly awkward, but the conversation is a tad forced and Joyce finds herself bored.
He steps closer to her and though she knows what's happening, she doesn't react. When he kisses her, she feels nothing. Instead, she's back in the garden pressed between Hopper's muscular body and the wall, unable to catch her breath. But, Hopper isn't here, he's probably gone home to Chrissy and she's Lonnie's first choice, so she numbs her pain by kissing him back.
You drew stars around my scars
But now I'm bleedin'
