Chapter 12: Start of a Hellish Cycle
(Day 11 w/ the Bad Batch - Evening)
Once again and to his vast frustration, Sergeant Hunter had failed to forewarn his new charge who was completely inexperienced with, well, basically everything that didn't involve battle tactics.
Yes, he had revealed to Talla that him and his brothers were also victims of that damned long-neck who tried excusing all of her terrible deeds with the phrase 'It's endurance training' as if it kept her slate clean but in reality, they were nothing more than torture sessions, which left behind physical damage of course but even deeper emotional and mental scars that could not be fixed with a bacta patch.
What he didn't do was warn Talla of these deep emotional and mental scars and their side effects, severe symptoms of what Tech discovered soon after they were freed from Nala Se's clutches: 'Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.' Ugly PTSD'S even uglier sibling and it was damn near impossible to handle in a healthy way without some form of professional help.
Well, being lowly clones only bred for warfare and clearly no insurance or money to pay for it, they didn't have any access to professional help, so their brainy brother Tech came to the rescue!
After their symptoms first appeared soon after their deployment and he saw the effects that unhealthy coping mechanisms had on their overall performance, Tech spent all his free time over the next couple of weeks holed up in his bunk of the Havoc Marauder I researching, researching, RESEARCHING their symptoms to discover what their condition specifically was and then after, the best skills that could help them cope with the trauma healthily, and with his Eidetic Memory filed away EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL of what he had learned. Then he implemented these skills into their lives - whether they liked it or not. Though it definitely became easier once the leader of the squad got on board with his scheme towards improved mental and emotional health that would, obviously, improve their performance on the battlefield.
It wasn't near as effective as proper treatment would provide them, but it helped keep them stable and compared to what they were two years ago, being stable had done them a lot of good. Believe it or not, Wrecker didn't get that scar because he was clumsy with explosives - that was his area of expertise, after all - but being unstable had made him unintentionally so. Since then, no close calls of that severity had happened ever again because of mental strain. Sure here and there a blaster bolt got too close to the heart or a stab wound almost made the victim bleed out, but those accidents were no longer because of instability - just the touch of bad luck that came around every so often when they worked with regs.
Anyways Hunter, who apparently couldn't think straight around Talla, did not warn her about any of the afflictions coming her way, or the ways to handle those fierce, hellish cycles... one of them being the horrifying night terrors.
Still recovering, her stamina was still pretty low and despite it being a new day Talla ended up dozing on the couch even with the booming holovids on, tucked away in the corner and curled up the best she could with her cybernetic leg sticking straight out on the cushions so the tender flesh and touchy synth-nerves wouldn't be aggravated by unnecessary movement. Even though it was an awkward position, like her fellow ship mates she had learned to sleep in the most undesirable locations, so an awkward positioning on a cushy couch wasn't exactly a hurdle she had to climb over, and the woman looked so peaceful as she drifted off into the dream world that Wrecker had even so thoughtfully turned down his holovids from ear-splitting to blaring.
But pleasant dreams could quickly turn into a living hell you couldn't escape until your mind said you could, a person in the midst of a night terror too dangerous to try and wake up, especially so with one who had enhanced strength.
The batch of men could only watch helplessly as her initial gasp that caught Wreckers attention turned into short quick intakes of breath followed by small whimpers which he immediately recognized as the first signs of the same night terrors he'd seen every one of his brothers experience alongside him and called out to them for backup, and by the time they had rushed into the common area her breathing turned erratic, borderline hyperventilating coupled with some twitches and other frantic movements as she tried to fight back at whatever demons were swirling around her mind despite her unconscious state, unable to break free from it. And they couldn't do anything, not wanting to risk Talla further injuring herself by fighting back if they tried to shake her awake, and none of them wanted to be on the receiving end of a sucker punch that could land them back in the hospital with a bashed in face at the very least.
The average night terror lasted five to ten minutes Tech had informed them, and the minutes dragged unbearably on and on and on as if they were hours. Being the Sergeant of the squad, it should have been Hunter who kept everyone calm, but he had to physically be held back by Crosshair so he wouldn't spring into action to try and shake her out of it to end her suffering, risking his health thus risking the sanity of the squad... Crosshair, his impromptu second in command, knew he could keep the freak outs at bay for only so long, something he realized after one close call that almost took Hunter away from them permanently, but the sniper, not being attached to the woman in any way yet, was able to maintain his cool despite her agony, thus helping Wrecker to stay calm at least and the most empathetic of the bunch who couldn't be held back by anyone thankfully stayed put.
Finally, finally she shot upright with a final shriek, skin flushed and beads of sweat dotting her face. As they flinched and made themselves tense and ready to defend themselves if need be as she unsteadily whipped around, crazed eyes darting this way and that, trying to make sense of her surroundings while the ragged breaths never let up.
The medic of the squad took a cautious step forward with his palms held up to show he meant no harm and took a stab at trying to get her to calm down. "Talla." Her crazed eyes snapped in his direction, still too dazed and wound up to process it was just him, and she looked ready to attack as whatever hallucinations her brain had created still were affecting her. "You're not in any danger." His tone was more pragmatic than soothing, but sometimes that's what you needed to cut through the chaos and snap out of it.
It still took a few tense beats before it seemed to click that no, she wasn't in any danger, but the realization wasn't exactly a major relief - the vividness of the dream that felt so real and caused her such true terror that she thought was left behind on Kamino made her collapse back onto the couch and rake her fingers through her dampened hair and latch onto handfuls that could have been ripped from her scalp if she applied any more force.
Her voice was so small it was practically inaudible when she asked between breaths that were still coming out in gasping huffs and puffs, "What happened?"
Tech was closest, so he was able to barely catch her hushed question and approached her hunched form with his signature finger raised as he sat down on her left, "You just experienced a night terror."
Putting such a name on the 'experience' didn't exactly ease her mind either. "Why?" She could only sputter out in a whine.
"It's unfortunately a symptom of the Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder you undoubtedly have -"
He may as well have been speaking Wookie with her mush for brains. "What?"
He wanted to recite every little detail he had accumulated of the developmental trauma disorder. "Complex PTSD comes in response to chronic traumatization over the course of months or, more often, years. This can include emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuses, domestic violence, living in a war zone, being held captive, human trafficking and other organized rings of abuse -"
"Or in our case being experimented on." Hunter interrupted shortly, having finally been released from Crosshair's restraint and found himself by Talla's other side and sensed how Tech's ramble, though at it's very beginning, was already sending her brain into overload, and came to her rescue. "Because of what happened to us, we have these... bad side effects."
"Bad side effects you should have already been made aware of." Tech stated curtly, earning him a dirty look from his older brother.
"Sue me for wanting her to stay blissfully ignorant for a little while longer." He growled in return to the slight from his little brother.
"Ignorance will only make Talla suffer more in the long run because she will have nary a clue as to how to handle her symptoms -" Tech's statement was backed up with a sharp gesture to her trembling form that had started rocking back and forth, "- adequate preparation, on the other hand, will give her the skills necessary to function somewhat properly under these less than ideal circumstances."
Hunter could hear the 'Is that not obvious?' in his tone, and when it was put like that of course it was that so plainly obvious and of course he should have warned her instead of letting her live in a fantasy world where her nightmare was behind her after she left Kamino... but he just wanted her to stay somewhat merry. Shockingly, after his initial disdain for it, he now found himself liking that cheerfulness she had and didn't want it to go away, even though the logical side of his mind also knew her innocence would not benefit her on the battlefield and was a sure-fire way to get her killed.
Not to mention, he plain hated talking about what happened to them as cadets.
Even when he was actually trying to help her, he just seemed to let her down, as if nothing had changed after her near-death experience, and that wasn't a good feeling for a leader.
"Why am I still reacting like this to the experiments?" Talla managed to ask in a whimpering tone, still very much hunched over though, "You promised it would never happen to me again, and I believe you, so shouldn't that be enough to not react like this to a stupid dream about them, or even a thought?"
So without much of a choice - Tech could and would go on a five-hour rant about this plague - Hunter had to try and explain this whole trauma disorder in simpler, more straightforward terms that wouldn't send her into another downward spiral while Tech went to brew her a mug of calming Jeru tea, wishing with all his might hecould unload all the helpful knowledge he had stored away but instead let his leader handle this because apparently he could 'Explain it in simpler terms.'
Pfft. He was already doing that, but far be it from him to get in the way between a guilty Hunter and his wronged party.
Wrecker and Crosshair decided to find other ways to occupy themselves, the former feeling awkward observing such a deep conversation, the latter hating this weird burning in his chest at seeing their new member still suffer at the hands of the longnecks - it totally wasn't protectiveness! - and both just not wanting to relive their own experiences if she asked some curious questions.
"Experiences like those - trauma - it doesn't go away like that." Hunter started, trying to conjure up as much gentleness as he could while under the force of having to openly discuss the still extremely touchy subject. He knew in instances like these, a matter-of-fact approach would unfortunately not make this distressed soldier calm down. He was very inexperienced with this approach to matters, and had only done it like this with his brothers sometimes, but he channeled everything he knew about being soft. He had promised himself to be more encouraging and attentive in a more traditional way, and that what was he was going to do.
"Why? I'm not even there anymore! It's all in the past now!"
"It doesn't work like that." Hunter repeated bitterly, remembering he also wanted it to be like that, and still wished it from time to time. "What happened, what she did to us, it's caused injuries... but not just physically, mentally and emotionally too. It basically destroyed your mind, Talla, and Tech can explain it more once you've calmed down, but it won't go away because you're not on Kamino anymore."
"So I have to live with this for the rest of my life?!"
Side note - it killed Hunter that Wrecker shaved his hair off, even though he needed to because of his scarring that created odd patterns of baldness he didn't like. In response the sergeant, the vainest of them all, the defender of all thing's hair related in this family, made certain the rest of members' hair always looked it's best. Talla, now a part of this squad at least, her knuckles were turning white as her hands tightened around her fistfuls of hair as she became more distraught over this revelation of her new life, so the lover of locks prevented her from creating two bald spots on her scalp by powering through his borderline standoffish nature and gently tried to pry her hands free, using such a sweet-tempered nature that shocked him because it rarely made an appearance even among his brothers, let alone with a woman he'd just met over a week ago.
It was strange, but he told himself it was because of the guilt over how he had treated her those first days, and nothing else.
Her hands were successfully freed without too much damage to her tresses, but to his chagrin Talla still wanted to be latched onto something as her freak out continued, needing something stable to ground herself with, and since his own steady hands were now within reach, theybecame the culprits.
His teeth gritted while he winced as her enhanced strength made his bones painfully crackle in her grasp but from experience with the other person in his life possessing enhanced strength, he knew what to do to get her to ease up. With his brother, who would latch onto him with both arms after a night terror like the sergeant was his lifeline, Hunter would have to rub and pat him on the back soothingly to appease his demand for comfort, and it always worked in liberating his bone structure.
In this instance, featherlike strokes over her knuckles with the pad of his thumb combined with soft reassurances that while yes, she had to live with the trauma symptoms for the rest of her life, he and Tech would teach her how to manage them to the best of their ability so the complications wouldn't rule her life, and that even though they didn't have the professional help they obviously needed, what little tid-bits Tech researched really did alleviate enough of the symptoms that they could still enjoy at least some aspects of their war-torn lives.
Even so, it was a hard bite to swallow: Nala Se's treatment had left permanent scars on her overall psyche, and they'd never go away, and trying to forget what happened would only hurt her more. Talla would forever be subjected to this hellish cycle, and could only hope these skills would decrease the frequency of incidents like today.
She couldn't find her voice now, Hunter's efforts to keep things simple and easy to process only working to a small degree, but Talla still wanted to show him that she was grateful for the skills he did promise would help, finding a little shred of hope inside because her trust in him had grown over the last few days - when he wronged someone, he did everything to make it right, and then some. It was an honorable quality despite the annoying undertones, and showed he was a good man.
On holovids they portrayed a person warmly hugging another to express gratitude, no words needed.
Well, the anxious woman already had his hands, and he hadn't shoved her away yet, so after swiping away some unfallen tears it only required minimal shifting to lean in and lock her arms around his middle in a light, sideways squeeze.
Without much of a choice, the want to make her feel some solace in this difficult moment overruling his reserved nature, Hunter had to begrudgingly accept her demand for comfort in the form of physical touch...
Except, the traitorous part of his mind knew this was her first hug... And she sought if from him specifically and not from anyone else - even Wrecker, the king of cuddling, who was just ten paces away in the kitchenette - and he was exasperatingly pleased with this fact, and it inclined him return the embrace, albeit unsurely... but he told himself it was only because he owed her, and wanted to make her feel better in whatever way possible.
And to his great relief, it did, if most of the tension leaving her frame as she curled up closer to him was any sign. He also denied that he, who always preferred keeping to himself, actually didn't mind her hugs, likedthem even and the warm fuzzy feeling that came along with it, telling himself that this was just a practical way to comfort this distressed soldier and nothing more.
He only accepted the fact that she seemed to trust him now, even after telling him it would take a long time to earn it after what he did. That reduced his guilty feelings in spades. Maybe he hadn't screwed up this time.
:D
A/N:
I hope this chapter was okay! I'm very insecure about it but love it at the same time XD Hunter is a little bit ooc, but I think it was worth it
Song that inspired this chapter - lovely by Billie Eilish, Khalid
Thanks for the continued support!
- Ella
