A/N: If any of you also read my Naruto story. I'm not uploading it today. Sorry!
Anyway! I hope you guys enjoy this!
PREVIOUSLY:
If I'm lucky tomorrow will be a little better...
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Chapter 9: Unsolved problems
The next few days I find myself in a bit of a funk. I barely leave my bed, and I find most of my entertainment in text messages from the group and dancing videos on my laptop.
It seems like a fine existence for the time being.
Part of me feels like I should be spending what time I have left with Ichigo with him, but I just feel so upset and annoyed when I think about him and what he plans to do.
"I can't stay in bed all this time, I have things I could be doing," I sit up in my burrito of coziness. Oh my gosh this new velvet comforter is life. "Comfy comforters don't go and get themselves killed..."
Ok I need to stop.
"The anniversary of my channel is coming soon.. and I'm no closer to picking a location! Get your butt up and go looking," I shed my cocoon on my way to the bathroom. "No one likes the character that doesn't shower for days, come on!" I remind myself. I hate when those characters on dramas just says 'fuck all my responsibilities' and decide to be a bump on a log.
I dress in my blacks but this time I add a splash of gold to the mix with the panda print on my shirt. Shorts, fishnets, the usual dress wear for a girl who likes black in the summer.
I think my white hair really adds to my whole look, I don't know why I never dyed it before.
I'm lying, I know I didn't dye it before hand because It's against the rules at school.
"Then my hair changes for supernatural reason, I go missing from school for a week, and no one speaks a peep about it... Not a single teacher seemed to notice me missing or my hair change,"
What was I expecting I guess.
I travel to the outskirts of Karakura town, If I want a rural area with hints of civilization, it should be here, right?
I look to the sun. I got out at like 11ish, so one can imagine it's some time in the afternoon now.
"Where can the perfect place be?" look around, but I'm not finding much of anything. I found a place with a well, but I don't like wells very much. It's something about their aesthetic that doesn't appeal to me.
I search and search but the line between town and forest seems to be more fine than I expected.
That's annoying...
"Am I going to have to go straight forest then?" I ask the trees, but the thought of it makes me grimace. I don't want to do that...
"Maybe I can transfer from on to the other?"
That idea doesn't make me any happier.
This is annoying.
Not just this! Everything damnit!
"This is stupid! Everything is stupid! That tree is stupid! That rock is stupid! Ichigo is stupid! Rukia is stupid! Urahara is especially stupid! AND I'M THE DUMBEST OF THEM ALL!" I scream, glaring at the heavens above me, daring them to prove me wrong! To punish my lies! But they can't! Because every got-damn thing I said was true!
"Fuck this, I'm going back home," I accept defeat with agitated grace.
On my way back, the sun hides behind the horizon, leaving me in the dark.
Man, I must have been out here longer than I thought... If it's dark it has to be at least like eight or nine...
"Whatever," I huff.
The summer heat cools to a tolerable temperature, and around me fire flies blink to life. The sight brings with it a magic strong enough to break up my attitude. "Hey little guys," I smile at them.
!
The air shifts, and I look around for its cause.
"Oh shit!" I jump when a black cat pounces upon my shoulders. Calming myself I take in the furry hitchhiker.
"You scared me..." I whisper. "Wait a second, you're Yoruichi," I pronounce. I only saw the kitten once, but there's something about the furry little thing that is distinctive.
Maybe it's the gold eyes.
Most cats have the color and nothing else, but this one has visible scleroses.
"What brings you way out yonder? Lost maybe? Out for a good hunt?" I continue walking.
"It doesn't matter, I like cats, so we can hang as long as you're willing to hear me rant about stupid stuff," I warn. The little predator stays put, coping a squat on one of my shoulders and I giggle.
"Thanks for staying man, I appreciate it. So check it," I start, barely registering the man running up behind me. I swipe the little buddy into my arms.
"Gimme your shit lady!-" I don't know for sure what he said, I just remember nailing him with a kick and continuing on my way.
"Sorry, disturbances, but like, how do people deal with emotions all their lives? Up until recent I've only had to deal with how I feel about myself, and I was cool with that, I was cool with me..." I make sure the black fluff is comfy in my arms, and look both ways before crossing the street. Even though it doesn't matter, I already died.
"But when other people come into your life, and you don't get to pick how they make you feel and that's weird to me. Like, shouldn't I choose that? It's happening to me! Uryu says it's normal and that I should do what happens naturally, but what if I'm naturally a terrible person, and I never noticed because no one's ever talked to me long enough?" I groan.
What is wrong with me. I'm ranting to a cat.
"Sorry, I'm just scared... People seem to get so angry with each other and stop talking forever over the smallest things in dramas. Just liking the same boy can make two girls hate each other, even if they were friend for so long... I know I'm going based off TV, but that's all I have! It's all so new and I feel so stupid all the time and left behind."
I sigh.
RwooOAAH!
"Oh crap... did you hear that? I'm pretty sure that's a hallow... With Ichigo's powers gone I should be careful... It's very possible it might come for us. If I run really fast will you get scared and scratch me?" I ask, the furry little thing bumps her head against my breasts.
"Ok, I'm trusting you. The hallow sounds like it's, if I have to guess, 2 and a half football fields away," I note, dropping down into my runner's start pose before biting into the dirt with my feet.
RwwwOOOOAAAH!
"Fuck that one is a bit closer, but it's on the other side, can we get past in time? Or should I find another path.
It's best not to risk it.
Skiiiiiiiid!
I Slide around the corner.
"To wrap up the rant my friend Ichigo is going to go save this Rukia chick from a society of swordsmen and I'm super worried but I can't say anything cause he'll hate me and still go off to die, so if he's going to do it anyway, we might as well be friends till the very end."
Ok thats an equal 2 football fields between both hollow.
I got this.
Rwoooooaaaah!
Fuck me!
That one is dead ahead...
"Ready for a risky move little one?" I prep my companion, tensing my thighs and increasing the power of my stride.
The Hallow comes into sight, but it's clearly a stupid one who hasn't gotten any consciousness to it yet.
good, that means when I get to the shop It probably wont follow, right?
I speed forward, it's mask is flatter that some.
"Here we go!" I jette onto that bitches head and pounce into the night air.
. . .
The night seems to hold itself for a blessed moment of silence. No passing cars, no opening or closing of doors, no sound.
...
The wind rushes past my descending form and I unravel from around Yoruichi, landing with as much grace as any dancer and taking off once more.
"Ok, so my sense of direction can be a little off sometimes, I'm kind of just feeling this out little buddy, so let's hope I'm right"
According to my senses the shop should be just around this corner.
I gather dirt besides my sliding feet, and use it to kick off toward the barely lit abode.
Almost there!
CRKKKHH
I gasp for my air but it shuns me, leaving me flailing for something, anything.
I didn't hear the bigger fry using the wimp for cover, but it saw me.
It breaks through the dirt digging its disproportionate fingers underneath to encase me.
Crap!
Where's Yoruichi? She's not still below me is she?
"Y...Yoru.." I use the last of my breaths to call for her. I need to make sure she's ok. She's Urahara's best friend! I'd never forgive myself if I took that from him.
"Y...Yoru...ichi," even I can't hear myself speaking. I'm not even sure if I said anything.
The beast lifts me, and I use the time to ignore how he squeezes my soul out my body like the flesh is an unwanted shell and focus on locating the black cat. I don't see her in the space where I once occupied.
Good.. Good... she got away.
Drip! Drip!
Ignore it! Focusing on the pain wont help.
My body has fallen static below me, and I try to think of a way to get attention or get away.
RWOOAH!
The screech blares in my ear, but it's muffled by the blood clogging it.
I can hear the other ones drawing closer.
Shit, they were a pack weren't they? They were looking for me the whole time.
I try to pry the grotesque green claws from my flesh. But they only burrow deeper.
A boiling hotness swells in my gut from my wounds, but it doesn't bleed out of me like my blood. No, it stays and spreads throughout my form and If I had the air I'd cry out in pain. It feels like something is burning me from the inside! It starts to leak from me, burning my persistent palms, and I'm almost certain I see a steam birthed from the contact between my hands and the creature.
There's the lightest of hisses from the monster holding me, but nothing else as the rest of the pack arrives.
. . .!
A ringing I had been ignoring pronounces itself, blurring the conversation of the Hallow around me and my vision soon follows suit.
!
The hallow around me disintegrates to a nothing, and I fall, my placement causing my soul to crash back into my body, but the pain isn't leaving me. It burrows into me, carving out my insides and blood.
Oh wait!
Oh shit! Is that Yoruichi!
A black blur sniffs at my being, coming close enough for me to confirm the feline's identity.
"Oh... Thank gosh," I gasp. "I was so worried. I'm glad... You're ok," I close my eyes, a peace running over me. Darkness is allowed to accept me and I fade.
"You're not a bad person Shiro, and certainly not a bad friend," a man says, but I'm certain I don't know the voice.
...
..
.
.
.
.
Emerald eyes snap open.
Everything rushes into my memories as soon as I'm awake. I groan, not ready to try and sit up. I don't want to deal with the mess my body probably is right now... If I have to guess I'm in a guess room at the shop right?
Wrong.
Around me are the white walls and lavender ceiling of my own room.
What?
I roll over onto my back.
...
No pain.
I sit up slowly. Each inch I gain without a regret surprises me.
I look around.
Impossible... My velvet comforter surrounds me, but didn't I leave it on the floor earlier?
I awaken my laptop besides me and it shows me the tab I left it on and a time of 4:32am.
"It's just Impossible," I squint brown eyelids, my white eyelashes barricading my vision.
I peek into my shirt, but not a single bruise greets me. Not a one. I look at my shirt and find it to be the pajama one I was wearing before I left earlier.
...I did leave didn't I?
I sniff under my arms. I smell terrible... but I did do all that running..
"Maybe it was a dream?" I ask the walls.
The more I scrutinize everything, the more such a conclusion seems likely. I mean, come on, what are the odds that, out of all the strays, I ran into Yoruichi? Plus! The hallow were suddenly vanquished without rhyme or reason! I certainly didn't do it...
And if that craziness was real, then why didn't Urahara or Tessai or someone come out to help me?
Too many flaws...
I get up.
Even my legs feel fine, and I was pushing it in my dream. Heading over to the bathroom, I cut off the light, but not before seeing the bloody black and gold panda shirt in the dirty clothes hamper.
...
My throat dries up, and swallowing does little to quench the internal desert.
Why?
Why get every detail right down to my clothes and leave this?
Why fuck with me like that?
Why make me doubt everything?
My heart booms in my ears.
"Go to sleep.. You're safe and ok now, isn't that all that matter? Deal with it tomorrow," I tell my nerves, and they put away their excitement for the next day. I turn back to my bed and go back to my slumber.
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Morning greets me and my questions warmly.
I get up and head over to the dirty clothes again, but of course the stupid shirt is gone now...
I go through my drawers in search for it and imagine my surprise when I find the article completely intact.
Now what?
Do I drop it? Or do I search harder?
The only question I really have is 'why?'.
But who do I even go to with my inquires? The only person there was the cat...
"For now we drop it," I decide, pressing my fingers into my eyelids.
Getting up, I bathe and dress myself, this time in a white shirt with a silver wolf on it.
I dunno, I'm feeling the animals lately.
I make my way to the shop for reasons uncertain to me. Am I looking for another training session? I've missed a few now, so I mean, I don't know.
I approach the green wood structure, and it stands tall and undisturbed.
I look to a few feet away where I was attacked last night, but of course there isn't the slightest hint of my struggle with life.
Come on, you said you'd drop it.
I tear myself away and into the shop.
"Hey! Mad hatter! You wanna beat me up again!?" I shout through the doorway, but my words search the room and return to me unanswered.
Where is everyone?
"Tessai? Ururu? Jinta?" I go through each room and find nothing.
Maybe there's a group training session downstairs?
They seem like they're cute enough to do something that adorable.
I open the hatch and the distant clashes of battle greet my ears. I take up a hold on the latter before sliding down.
thk thk!
My feet take their stance and I go walking.
FWOOOSH!
I dive out the way, barely missing a slice of red that zooms past me. I should make almost dying my favorite thing to do, then, at the very least, I could enjoy the heck out of my life. I sprint towards the blast's direction. I find them deep inside the grounds, battling it out. Ichigo vs. Urahara.
"Oh look it's the weird lady!" Aw Jinta.. such a lovely turd that one...
"That's not very nice jinta.." Ururu tries to help, her meek protest is quickly drowned out by the boy's frustrations.
"Oh! hello Ms. Bokuso-chi! It's a pleasant surprise for you to drop by! Are you here for your training?" Tessai greets me, and everything about him brings me happiness. He's just so nice.
"Yeah, I know I haven't been by lately, Do you think the Mad hatter can see me?" I tilt my head, curly white curtain draping off the side of it.
"It's difficult to be certain, but I'll ask, though he promised these days to Ichigo," he prepares me for the rejection.
"HEY BOSS! MS. BOKUSO-CHI WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'LL HAVE TIME FOR HER!"
My grin doubles in size.
I could have just done that if that's all he was going to do, but it's still hilarious to see it play out.
"Wha? Shiro's here?" I-go-chi slides to a stop and our eyes meet long enough for me to wave at him.
"hello!" I round my syllables.
"Ah! Shiro, When you didn't show up for your last sessions I thought you found out I would be putting your training on hold," the streak of green shoots past me, honing in on the red head.
Oh man!
"Whoa! Ichigo is a soul reaper already? I thought he said it would take 10 days!" I blink in amaze.
"Yeah, it was supposed to, but it happened faster than we thought," Jinta explains.
Ichigo is so cool.
"Hey!" I glare at the audience. "Why didn't you guys ever watch when I was training," I raise a brow, and Ururu and Tessai gain a sheepish aura.
"Cause your sessions are boring! Plus the boss doesn't get nearly as into as he is now! look at him!" Jinta speaks above the silence.
I allow my gaze to follow the blonde, he's smiling, but it's wider than usual, happier than usual. He shows the true strength of Benehime more than once and each time he gains a bit more life in those grey eyes.
I feel like he's tried to do this with me, but it didn't work. He tried to train me like a soul reaper, but I am not one.
"Yeah, I guess you're right..." I cross my arms. It's hard to argue with facts. Training Ichigo is more of a privilege, while I'm more an experiment, a task. An obligation.
Ow.
I just hurt my own feelings.
I shake all that from my head. I really need to stop making everything about me.
Right now is about Ichigo.
~X~
"So... you all are leaving?" I twirl my fingers around themselves, head bowed and spirits low.
Before me, Ichigo, Sado, Orohime, Ishida, and Yoruichi pause before the unopened gate way to the soul society. I only curled deeper into myself when everyone, even Kisuke and Tessai, turn to me.
It bothers me, that knowing look in Kisuke's eyes.
"Shiro, I understand you want to save Rukia too, but you can't." Ichigo tells me, and his assumption of my worries kills me from the inside because I don't want to save Rukia. I don't want them to save Rukia. I've never had friends all my life, I don't remember my family, and I'm sick and tired of being alone. Now the only friends I've ever had are leaving to fight an entire organization of killers that have been trained for longer than I've been alive.
And for what?
A girl who I barely know or interacted with.
I know they've known her far longer, even longer than they've known me, but I don't see this from their perspective. I don't want to. Because if I do, I'll see the love they feel her. The dedication, the loyalty.
Then I'll be ok with losing them.
And I don't want to be ok with that.
I peek up into the eyes of determined brown that belong to my first friend, Ichigo Kurosaki, and it hurts that he sees a person as loyal as him before his sturdy form, when really I'm just a piece of selfish shit.
. . .
"Good luck..." I force out after a minute of digging my nails into the flesh of my thighs.
I have to try. Try what, I'm not sure. Maybe I have to try loyalty, or taking a risk, or sharing, or some other sentimental shit like that.
Whatever it is. I have to try. At least long enough for them to leave, because by then, it wont matter what I feel or think.
"Shiro,"
Orohime approaches me, and I barely see her reach for my hand, but I yank back like she's a nearing flame, holding the hand she seemed to choose behind me so that she might not reach it.
She looks hurt for a second, but I can't let her show me love. If she does, I wont let her go. I wont let any of them go, and I have to.
But I also can't stand that look in her face. . .
. . .
I fling my body against her with enough strength that she almost falls back, I catch her in my arms. I hug her low, wrapping my limbs below the bend of her elbow, and I squeeze her tight.
It's an awkward position, but I assume it because it stops her from hugging me back, if she can't bend her arms, she can't hug back.
clack!claCK! cLACK!CLACK!
The others, Ichigo, Sado, and Ishida, they've circled us and they stand there, watching my pathetic show of affection that I refuse to let be reciprocated.
But then one of them, Ichigo I think, steps forward, and that commences the shrinking of the space between them and us.
No! They're going to touch me!
I rip from Oro like a cat sprayed with water, and the sudden movement makes them back the fuck off. I then speed through them: Ishida first, then Sado, and lastly Ichigo. I hug them all in that silly way, and each one lasts for as long as no one moves.
But they keep moving.
As I move from person to person, they keep trying to get closer and closer, so I dash between them, I have to finish quick, before there aren't any exits left, because they stopped backing off after Orohime.
Don't they get it!?
Don't they understand I can't take anymore of their love?!
It would kill me. . .
...
Did they want to kill me?
I snatch myself from ichigo when they close in again, and I dash for the exit by Ichigo's side, but he's fast. He catches my hand and takes me back. I had been planning to run so fast that the tug threw me completely off balance, and I fall back into his awaiting embrace.
Then Oreo joins, and Sad-doe... and Ishi-ishi.
Fuck.
I panic, putting up walls as fast as I can to block any affection they wish to give me, but there's more of them than there are me, and they tear them down too fast for me to make process.
Shit.
No! I can't just... I have to... why wont...
I feel it, my love for them welling in my chest, but I shove it down. I push it down deep inside of me, all the way into my toes.
There that should help...
But my friends are stubborn.
They squeeze, and I feel those feelings lift.
"no" my voice is meek but panicked.
Tighter. I feel it in my legs making them as weak as jelly.
"Stop," I beg, Why would they want to do this? Why would they want to leave me in such a terrible state of complicated emotions.
Tighter. I feet it in my gut and it aches.
"Please..." I've resorted to begging, because I can't deal with all the knots of friendship they're tying around me, if they leave me with all this rope, I'm going to hang myself.
"...please..."
Tighter. It's back in my chest, accentuating the pounds of my heart.
Why are they doing this?
"Just..." I can't finish the phrase in one go, I'm too pathetic.
Tighter. I choke on it in my throat.
Why?
"Go..." I finish.
Tighter. It doesn't come out my mouth in the form of an anguish filled howl that belongs to the abandoned wolf.
No, it floods me like an ocean, filling me to the brim till it pours out my eyes.
And I can't swim.
I drown in it.
They let me go, but they were the only thing holding me up.
So I crumble.
I sink to my knees before them, completely at their mercy, and their presence is like a guillotine.
...
My cranium falls to the floor like they've chopped it off...
In a stupid attempt to save face, I cover mine with my hands.
"Are you all ready to leave now? I can only keep this portal open for a short while," Urahara speaks up.
"Yeah, we're ready," Ichigo states, leaving my executed form be, unperturbed by the deed he and friends have done.
I hear the portal open, and then-
"See you later, Shiro!"
Oreo...
"Take care... Shiro,"
Ishi ishi.
"I'll... be back,"
Saddoe..
"We'll bring Rukia back, Shiro,"
I-go-chi...
. . . !
The portal closes.
"Don't... go..."
A breath rattles past my lips.
I can't! I can't break. Not here, not in public.
"Ok, Thanks for all your help, I'm going to head home, have a good night," I hold it all back and force the words forward, stumbling over my limbs to get up.
"Take care," I sprint into the distance, springing past the entrance and through the warms streets.
"!" The wails leave me before I even know they're there. They reach for the skies for answers that don't exist and I run. I try to keep my sight as clear as possible but no matter how fast I claw them out my eyes they come back.
It was one thing when it was just Ichigo, but.. all of them?
A stupid little laugh bursts through the sobs.
What did I expect? Of course they chose her of me.
No one wants me. They never did.
A/N: Thanks for reading! Please Comment!
