Previously:

It was one thing when it was just Ichigo, but.. all of them?

A stupid little laugh bursts through the sobs.

What did I expect? Of course they chose her of me.

No one wants me. They never did.

~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X

Chapter 10: Meaning

Where is my sketchbook?

Not the larger one, that one is hard to miss; I'm looking for the standard sized one that I sometimes bring to-

Oh wait, I remember now, I brought it to school cause I wanted to draw the group, but Rukia had just gone missing so Ichigo was all moody... and I tucked the book in my desk to cover up my folly.

Great, so I'm going to have to go all the way up to the school? Ugh... where are my shorts and tank top... and I guess I'll where thigh socks instead of fishnets today, despite the heat.

I step into my shoes on my way out the door, and my gosh it's hot!

Ok, maybe thigh socks were a mistake...Should I change?

No, it wont take me long to get there and back.

I head for the school, walking with large strides because I want to get there and back as fast as possible.

Phew! Made it!

Now... with as hot as its been lately, someone was bound to leave a window open on their shift... Well if they did, it's not on the front side of the building, though that's to be expected, if they opened a window on the front side, they'd be more likely to see it open on their way off the campus.

Oh~! But there is a window open on the side of the building, though it's a level higher than I need to be, but whatever. I hop up into the oversize oven. Oh man... the heat really sits in this place when the air isn't on. It feels like I'm breathing in the low flames of a fire; It forces me to breathe through my mouth.

Ok, now I really need to hurry up, making my way down the steps and through the hall, and for the first time, I understand why they set horror movies inside of schools. Even in the daylight, it's creepy, probably significantly less creepy than it would be at night, but, man, the way your hushed steps boom down the corridor before rushing back at you. That shit stops your heart.

And don't get me started on how the lockers mess with your paranoia. They're so tall that it wouldn't be so impossible that someone was hiding in them, lurking, waiting for you to pass by all innocently.

BEFORE THEY GET YA!

Oh, and did I mention the souls?

Yeah, being able to see those mofos don't help, because there are plenty of them who are just lounging around, more so than you see during the school year. I'm assuming they like the quiet, because when I come unwillingly stomping down the halls, they scatter, hiding inside the freaky lockers I mentioned.

Yeah, nope.

Never doing this again.

I'd turn around right now if I wasn't so close to getting what I needed already.

I find my home room and enter its threshold and jerk to a halt.

I get this weird pang in my chest as I map out mine and my friend's seating arrangements. It's so odd, the way my cheeks bunch up in the most jovial smile, and my heart feels like a dam was just removed from it. It flows with nostalgia, pumping fond memories into my veins until they replace my blood, and I survive off of them.

But that wears off fast.

Suddenly I feel horrible, a worry manifests itself in the form of a sun, and questions of their current whereabouts and status of living are like rays of heat, and they dry up my new found source of life to a powder, and I feel like I'm dying.

Holy shit, is this what it feels like to miss someone?

Does everyone feel that way?

Do my friends feel that way about me?

Oh man, I have friends!

That simple fact fills me with enough life to bounce on over to my desk, and pull out my sketchbook with minimal rummaging.

Nice! Now I can... is there someone outside?

I pause in my short rejoice as I look out the window... I'm pretty sure there's someone out there...

I approach the glass. If it's someone that can get me in trouble, then I'll just hop out my entrance and disappear like the freaking gingerbread man. I'm just really curious.

At first, the figure is nothing more than heat distorted blackness, but the closer they get, the more form and shape they take. Until, finally, I can see it's...

"Smug hatter?" I frown. That can't be right, but that all green fashion can't be mistaken.

He's looking straight ahead with a hand securing his hat and the other swinging that cane of his all leisure like. What is he doing here? I've never seen him outside of the shop, much less at school.

And how is he still wearing all those layers in this heat!?

As I continue gawking at the males ability to stay consistent in clothing, I notice him tilt is head up; those mysterious dark eyes snap to mine like a magnet close to its opposite, and, oddly enough, I somehow feel my body warm up and my weight beginning to shift from leg to leg.

Then, he levels his gaze with the school entrance in front of him and continues on his way.

Does...Does he know I'm here?

This is all confusing, I have to go talk to him.

I remove him from my gaze in favor of the locking mechanism above the window, and I undo it before jumping down below.

And, of freakin' course, he's suddenly no where to be found.

But he was definitely here!

I try the entrance, and tugging on the heavy chain and padlock does two things: 1. it burns the hell out me, and 2. lets me know he didn't go in this way.

So I dash about, checking the perimeter for the blonde, but I can't find him. And I checked everywhere!

I checked all the classrooms, the back of the school, the front of the school, the lockers, I even checked the garbage cans and the dumpster.

Nothing...

Maybe I imagined it?

I mean, that would make sense, in this heat, there's no way he's walking around in all those robes, that little fan of his would do him no good... And it doesn't make sense that he'd even be here...But, if I did make it up, why would I hallucinate him of all people?

You know what? Screw it! I'll just go visit the shop and ask the man.

...

Oh, but what if he thinks I'm being weird and needy?

Plus the shop is pretty far... I'll die before I'd get there...

While having this inward discussion, I head for the campus' edge, and just when I'm about the step onto the sidewalk, I THUD! bump into this...this thing and fall onto my tush.

"Ow..." I rub my nose. Looking up, I don't see anything. Though when I walked into it, the air ripples with golden light.

Hmmm... very curious.

I stand onto my feet and lay my hands against the barrier. I'm not really looking for anything, I just kind of want to feel it. It's all slick and smooth like fiber glass, and it's cool to the touch.

Speaking of cool... I really hope I can break this thing down or that there's an exit somewhere, because I'll bake if I don't...

Thigh socks, really weren't a good Idea.

"Well... It could be worse..." I remind myself.

RWAAAAUUH!

I will never say that phrase again.

Now I'm stuck in the heat and there's a hollow mother fucker that would love to gobble me up.

I push away from the invisible wall and head back for the window I opened.

The hollow sounds like it's out here with me, so I'm going to head inside.

As I run for the building, I watch the ground teeter from side to side, and every time I blink, I swear it stays dark for longer than it should.

Fuck.

Is this... Is this the heat getting to me?

thud!

I collapse on the ground.

Crap, looking at my arm now, I see it's soaked in my sweat, and goosebumps have begun to rise upon them.

Sh-it. I should have been paying attention!

"Well, jussst going to lay there and let me eat you?" A large snake of black ink squirms around the corner. "How obedient." It praises me.

I pull my arms to me and press them hard into the dirt, but they punish me for denying my fate, cramping up and draining my energy. I'm weakened to the point of fighting for every breath, but I'm certain that I wont have to for much longer.

This isn't good.

But that's obvious, isn't it?

"H...help," I try, but it's too weak to get attention and unreachable if it does.

Oh man... I feel like I'm going to throw up...

"Don't worry, I'll help you" the hollow takes me up by my midsection and flings me into the side of the building.

CRACK!

FuCK! that didn't sound or feel good.

But the beast doesn't care, it feeds off my anguish and terror like a gluttonous child, so he does it again.

CRASH!

and again

SLAM!

and again

BAM!

I'm not sure if each throw is harder, of if my body is just being worn down to nothing, but I can't do anything. That extra strength isn't shit when its been ripped from you by the solar body you once worshiped.

THUD!

And all the speed in the world doesn't matter if your legs hate you enough to refuse you use.

CRASH!

This time, he's flung me into the shaded walk way. I know this isn't the time, and I don't have much left, but I can't help but remember that one time I cleared the railing of this walkway just so I could get enough strength to tackle Sado.

DUH!DUH!DUH!DUH!

Multiple walls shatter, breaking or bruising a bone with their demise, and it keeps my mind off the pain when I remember the times I sat here trying to learn how to sew from Udyu.

SLAM!

My bones have snapped like celery sticks from all the abuse, and I didn't even know the human body had this much blood in it.

But I've accepted it.

A lot easier than I thought I would. I guess it helps that I couldn't fight if I wanted to.

As I'm tossed around, I seem to be having my life flash before my eyes , but it shows me the times I spend with them, which is good.

I didn't really love my life before then.

But it gets me thinking.

I'm being brought closer and closer to my end, and all I can think about are the ones that I love the most.

But where are they right now?

Off dying for someone who, I'll admit, is worth more than me. But... why didn't they think about me?

At all.

They knew I couldn't live without them. Knew I loved them so much yet not single one could stay behind?

They all had to go die?

And don't give me that bullshit that knew they'd come back, because they don't.

They don't know shit!

They know nothing of the constant pain that is birthed of unrivaled yearning for another's touch. Not a thing about the wails of loneliness you cry every night you wake for a taunting dream. Or a damn thing about the lengths you go to get someone, anyone to at least remember your face. They have always had friends. All they had to do was be nice to this person, fight another, fight for someone else.

But those things didn't work for me!

If I gave till I had nothing I was forgotten

If I lashed out for attention I was ignored.

And if I stood up for the rights of others I was forsaken.

No matter what I did I couldn't make a friend. Not even a bad one.

They do not know this.

And they never will...

Because they decided to die together.

While I'm left to die alone.

Always alone!

I'm. Tired of it.

It seems the hollow worm has grown tired as well, tired of my lack of struggle, tired of my swallowed screams. Tired of my life.

So he wraps his tail around me once more, and drags me to its face, probably hoping to see the same hopeless tragedy upon my features, but it's gone.

I'm no longer sad or accepting; I'm pissed. And the inhuman contort of my bloody face lets him know that.

And it hesitates.

Despite my broken flesh and depleted strength. The beast hesitates.

And that moment of weakness...

Is a mistake.

TH-THUMP!

I glare into those pathetic glimmers it calls eyes, and suddenly feel like I can see everything.

I lash out, clawing into the pitiful thing's flesh and acquainting myself it the taste. I take large bites and spit them out because I don't want that shit, and I break the being into two entities.

The lively half retreats, unable to return to its world to heal, it hides around the corner from my sight, but I keep the other half. The tail falls limp around my ankles, and I step out of it like it's dress, and I wait.

I don't go after it.

I don't look for away out.

I. Fucking. Wait.

No need to rush. It's trapped in here with me, and if it wants to eat me, then it will have to survive my own dinning on its flesh.

I hear something...

It's in the deepest parts of my mind; it's music.

I've never heard it before, but it blares in my ears like I'm wearing headphones and the beat is fast and strong like a frightened heart. I'm commanded to sway my hips, and I do, letting them knock back and forth while my head bobs along. I want to get more into the song, but the little leech pounces for me from behind.

Pathetic.

I heard it a mile away.

The music consumes me just as my prey 'attacks'. The beat is harsh, but demands fluidity in return.I dance around him, not metaphorically, I literally dance. Each dodge corresponds with a coincident collapse, arch, or bend in my artistic display. Every attack of my own is a graceful rise of the leg or a powerful thrust of the hip.

As he returns to me from the crumbled crevice of the school wall, I'm completely absorbed in my choreography.

STOMP! STOMP!

The moves are powerful, but fluid.

STOMP! TAP!

Despite the freshness of the dance, I feel like I was practicing this in the womb.

TAP! TAP! STOMP!

Now!

I halt in a pose that curls a raised leg and stricken my bent arms. The abruptness causing my prey to be cautious, so he too stops.

Then, from nonexistent ashes, five more hollow raise from the dirt, and with me, they complete a circle around the hunted. But these few are strange: their masks are nothing out of the ordinary, but their bodies are fabricated of bright green light, and the holes in their chests are shaped like hearts with a line going through them.

"What?!" My prey seems just as confused by their appearance as I do, but I'm far less frightened.

I curl my lip in a snarl. I don't care how many show up or what the hell they look like. I dare them to approach me. Dare them to defy my will, to dethrone me, to go against my wishes.

But no one takes the opportunity.

To my surprise, the five strange ones are humbled by my display of dominance, and curl to their knees before me.

They bow... to me.

"Leave nothing left," I look up at the target beneath my furrowed brow.

And they obey, pouncing the pitiful snake and tearing at him till he's reduce to the nothing he amounts to.

"Now leave," I shoo them, and they bow once more before their departure, leaving me to stand the same way I was born: Alone.

. . .

. . .

CLAP!

It happens once, before continuing slowly. It approaches, but I have my ears flatten against my head until the source is revealed to be none other than the Smug hatter himself.

Of course he put this together.

"Why?" I demand, tilting my head. I'm not too upset anymore, I seem to have gotten it all out of my system after the dancing, the clawing, and the massacre.

"Had to find out if my hunch was right," he only shows me his eyes. "Looks good, so you are Nekomata after all, Shiro Bokuso-chi,"

I revolt at the term, "Are you calling me a demon?"

"I am," He pulls something from beneath his arms, "Well, half of one, anyway," he flings the object at me, "Take a look,"

I catch it. It's a mirror...and I have cat ears and fangs and bows I was wearing on those cat ears... Huh, my eyes have gotten cat like too... No wonder I can see so well.

What the heck?

Then I notice that there's this flowy black and white furisode kimono with purple flowers on me. What the? Dude! I'm wearing the obi too! And the obigage! And the Obijime! Though I'm not wearing the nagajuban...

How did I not notice?

I look down to see it is definitely more flowy at the bottom than it should be, but I don't mind...

"So...I'm...?" I don't finish it, not sure if I'm happy with the sentence's outcome.

I'm not.

"No..no! I can't be some ugly demon! Especially not a Nekomata! That's a legend about mistreated house cats that get older and their tails split... I'm a human girl, so how could I be one!?" I refuse... I can't be a demon... I was already strange enough!

"Come now, Shiro, you're a smart girl." Urahara coaxes.

Well... Supposedly Nekomata had the ability to appear as old women, even if they are cats... Could one of those have mated with a human? Shit.

It would even make sense as to how I used to be blind to spirits. They start off as regular cats, but as their mistreated, their tail splits, and when they die they exact revenge. That's what happen to me... except!

"But I don't have a tail to split!" I challenge his logic, there, that proves I'm fine! I'm not a demon.

"Didn't you mention that you had a solid black-line as a birthmark... and that it recently gained a split towards the end," He pierces me with those sharp eyes, and I feel like he's tearing me down, starting with my protective walls.

"But... I'm not old! I'm only 15!" I shout at him, trying to dissuade his charge, but it doesn't work.

"That's pretty old for a cat..." he states, crumbling my first line of defense with just his voice. He steps forward into his newly conquered territory.

"But I'm only hostile towards hollows... not humans,"

"It was the hollows that finally killed you, had it been that crash, you would be," He advances.

No, If he gets too close... he's going to break me.

"Then... why did my hair turn white?" I need something. Anything.

"The ones with white tail curse the best," he draws nearer, now he's right in front of me, and I crumble in defeat. I sit on my heels, completely at his mercy.

Will he chop my head off?

"But... I was never mistreated," I mumble.

"Physically, no, but are you telling me that being forgotten isn't torture?" his words are like a sword he raises, no doubt aiming for my neck, "While beatings damage a person, they are a sign of hate, which is still a very strong emotion, just as love is a strong emotion. Hate, is not the opposite of love. Apathy is. The absence of all feeling. No way hates you, and no one loves you. They just don't care about you,"

CracK!

Something breaks inside me. He spares my head, but he crushes my heart in its place, and I clench its resting grounds with such regret. This...this pain. I feel so terrible. I feel like this isn't worth it. That nothing is worth it.

That I'm not worth it.

"But,"

I look up through the salt of my tears.

SNAP!

He shuts his fan and puts it away.

"It's not your fault, you were born with a genetic make up meant to ward people off," He offers his hand to my fallen form. Hesitant, I take it.

"Ichigo saw this, and decided to look past it and be your friend" he raises me from my ashes with a smile upon his lips."They all did," He looks down at me, patching my heart without even touching it.

Something new blossoms in me.

I think... I'm ready to accept it.

"So I'm really a Nekomata?" I smile at him, and his smile becomes more true.

"Yup! Complete with ears and tail," He pinches the pointy listeners and shows me the furry noodle. Whoa, I have a tail too? It's even split like the legends say, and its white to match it all.

I hadn't noticed...

I should really pay more attention.

"You can even raise allies of your enemy from the dead by dancing! It's all very exciting really!" the blonde boasts, and it takes me a second to connect what he says to how I defeated the hollow.

So I don't just summon hollow? It's based on the person I'm against.

"Ready to train before I send you off to death with the rest of your friends~?" I perk at the comment.

"Why did you say that all happy like! and what's with that creepy smile! Stay away from me!" I freak, hiding from the shop keeper.

"Oh don't be that way, come on, lets get you back into you body!" he beams, just as doltishly pleased with everything.

Wait... what?

"My body? But I never left..." I frown as the older male turns to walk towards the shaded walkway.

"You got so hopeless that you buried yourself so deep in your mind. You didn't even notice when you got knocked out of your body." He stops before the rubble my flung form created, and points to the limp hand poking out from beneath it all with his cane.

Disturbing.

A shiver rushes up my spine as I dive into the cement to emerge like a zombie.

"Ow..."

My soul may have healed up after the upgrade, but my body was fu-cked.

"Don't do it again," The hatter speaks, but there's no indication he does. He doesn't look back at me or pause in his stride.

All I have is my ears as evidence.

Don't do what again?

Oh! Don't lose hope again!

I beam as I scamper to my feet to follow.

"Wait up! ow. I'm right, ow, behind you! Ow..." I limp after him, but he doesn't slow down.

If anything, he speeds up.

Jackass!

~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X

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