Fate/Kyon's Order: The Return

A Haruhi Suzumiya & Fate/Grand Order Crossover

by Derald Snyder

Part 8: Gudako's First Sortie

"So, now that you have a servant that can fight on the front lines," Da Vinci nodded to Koyo, "it's time for your first supply sortie. Miss Nagato has informed me that Semiramis needs a certain something for her Hanging Gardens of Babylon, so you and Ritsuka will be deploying along with her to South America to obtain the materials needed."

"South America? Like, deep in the jungle?" Gudako pondered.

"Right. This singularity is fairly stable, so the source of the problem shouldn't be too hard to deal with. So we'll focus on procuring the necessary supplies first, then deal with the problem. Just watch out for the natives."

"You mean like the Aztecs or Mayans?" Gudako mused.

"Or maybe the Inca," Ritsuka supplied.

"Incorrect. Those tribes resided mostly around modern-day Mexico," Yuki corrected them. "The tribe we have to worry about are the Jivaro, who are known for their head-hunting raids and shrinking of said heads."

"Eww!" Gudako did a full-body cringe. "Koyo, you better not let them shrink my head!"

"I would not dream of it, Master," Kijyo Koyo said with a smile. "So what servants will you bring, Master Fujimaru?"

"Probably should take someone that can move fast through the forest..." Ritsuka mused. "Oh, I know who to take... this'll be a good chance to break in that new rider that was summoned the other day..."

*Amazon Jungle, South America*

"RUN!" cried Achilles, putting Ritsuka on his back as he, Atlanta, Jack, Koyo(carrying Gudako) and Yuki fled from the Jivaroan warriors, the latter armed with crude spears and knives!

"Why can't Jack just chop them up?!" Jackie complained.

"Anyone who dies in a singularity doesn't come back to life when history is corrected!" Ritsuka yelled. "I'd rather avoid bloodshed if possible!"

"Well, can't you just go T-Rex on them and scare 'em off?!" Gudako asked Koyo.

"I can if we get into an open area!" Koyo yelled back.

"This way!" Yuki called, the group following her lead, suddenly emerging into a clearing by the Amazon River!

"Okay, do it, Koyo!" Gudako encouraged as she climbed off.

"So I shall!" the oni asserted, a bright flash heralding her transformation into her dinosaur form! The Jivaro burst into clearing, only to stop in their tracks at the massive creature standing before them... Koyo then let loose with a drawn-out roar, the warriors turning tail and fleeing back into the foliage in terror!

"Haha, yeah! You better run!" Gudako cheered.

"Good work," Yuki stated. "Now please remove yourself from that spot."

"Huh? But why?" the redhead asked.

"Because you are standing on a non-Newtonian surface. In other words, quicksand."

"QUICKSAND?!" Looking down, Gudako saw that her feet had already vanished into the gooey brown muck! Meanwhile Koyo was sinking faster due to her massive weight, her legs already gone!

"Koyo, change back to your human form!" Ritsuka called. "Achilles, see if you can reach them with your spear!"

"Gotcha, Master!" the Greek hero summoned his weapon, trying to reach out to Gudako with the blunt end. Meanwhile, Koyo had reverted to human form, but was now sunk past her hips in the quicksand! "Argh, she's too far! Atalante, grab my hand!"

"Don't do anything stupid!" the archer cautioned, although she did as told. With Atalante's firm hold, Achilles took a step into the muck, reaching his spear out just that bit further, Gudako falling forward a bit but managing to grab on! "Pull!" Atalante called, as much to herself as to Achilles, the duo working together and pulling the young Master free, her lower legs coated in mud.

"What about me?!" Koyo yelled, sinking past her ribcage, trying to dig the muck away to no avail.

"Just go into spirit form, Koyo," Ritsuka pointed out.

"...Oh, right. Of course," the oni smiled and shook her head, before vanishing into golden dust. She then reformed next to Yuki, no mud to be seen anywhere on her kimono. "Thank goodness, I thought my clothes were ruined..."

"Well, my pants are ruined!" Gudako complained. "Though I guess it's better than being buried alive..."

"You would have begun floating at chest-deep," Yuki spoke up. "The real danger is dying from exposure or dehydration."

"Oh." The redhead blinked at that. "OK, well, now that the savages are gone, can we go search for your precious item or whatever?"

"This way," Yuki gestured, the party following her back into the jungle...

*A short while later...*

"How much longer?!" Gudako complained. "I'm all sweaty, and my muddy legs are all yucky!"

"I'm kinda soaked myself," Ritsuka wiped his brow with his forearm.

"We are here," Yuki replied, emerging into a smaller clearing, with some bean plants visible. "I only need one healthy plant from this group." She started toward the plants...

But then, someone came down in front of her, wielding a cat-paw lance! "Halt! These cacao plants are the property of the god Tezcatlipoca! Mew will turn back now or get clawed to little pieces!"

"Jaguar Warrior?!" Ritsuka gasped in recognition.

"Oh, mew know me? Good! Then mew know that I'm serious! Now leave or become sacrifices for meow!" Jaguar Warrior demanded.

"You might want to step aside," Yuki said calmly.

"Grrr! Or else what?!" the servant pointed her weapon in Yuki's face-

Only to get slammed into the ground by a new arrival! "Victory for me! You should have listened to her, yes?" the woman said as she stood to her feet.

"What...?" Jack's eyes went wide.

"The heck?!" Achilles gasped.

"Is this?!" Atalante finished. The blonde servant was also familiar to everyone present, but her outfit was far skimpier compared to before, basically being a red/green bikini with several ribbons around her arms and legs, and a pair of phoenix wings emerging from her lower back!

"Quetzalcoatl?!" Ritsuka cried. "Why are you dressed like that?!"

"Why indeed? Because I'm Samba Santa, that's why!" Quetz proclaimed. "Giving Christmas presents to all the little ones! Like you," she pointed to Yuki, "and you!" she pointed at Jack.

"I am not a child," Yuki said matter-of-factly.

"But you are just so small and adorable!" Quetz countered, turning and bending over, exposing her rear end and causing both Ritsuka and Achilles to cover their eyes! She uprooted a cacao plant, turning back and handing it to Yuki! "There you are! Merry Christmas~!"

"...Thank you," Yuki said after a moment. "But from our point of view, Christmas was over two months ago."

"Yeah, it's Valentine's Day now!" Gudako said. "I'm guessing YOU must be the reason this singularity formed!"

"It is most likely," Yuki concurred.

"Um, but what is Samba?" Jack asked.

"Why, I'm glad you asked!" Quetzalcoatl gave a wide smile. "It's a popular kind of song and dance that originated right here in Brazil! And it meshes nicely with my Lucha Libre as well!"

"...I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I'll never understand Quetzalcoatl," Ritsuka face-palmed.

"Can Jack cut this fake Auntie Quetz to pieces now?" Jackie inquired, equipping her knives.

"Fake?! Are you calling me a fake Santa?!" Quetz gasped in both anger and dismay. "No, I will not stand for this! I will prove that I am the best Santa ever! Behold!" Rising into the sky, she intoned: "Yucatán Regalo de Navidad!" The clouds above suddenly parted, revealing a giant Christmas present at least 50 meters in diameter! "Behold the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs! A fitting present, yes?"

"Wait, I'm a dinosaur! I don't want to die!" Koyo cried in panic.

"Achilles!" Ritsuka held up his right hand, "by my command spell, use your Noble Phantasm to destroy that asteroid!"

"You got it, Master!" Achilles nodded, whistling and summoning his chariot! "Let's go, Xanthus, Balius, Padasos!" Hopping on board, he steered his chariot up into the sky! "Asteroid, meet shooting star! Troias Tragoidia!" Achilles' chariot became a green streak of lightning, striking the giant present dead-on! After a few seconds, it broke through, the present shattering into a million streams of red and green confetti!

"My Christmas present!" Santa Quetz wailed. "How could you?! Now I'll have to be Santa the only way I have left: by giving lessons in Lucha Libre!" With that, she leapt body-slammed Atalante into the dirt!

"Mommy!" Jack cried, lunging at the goddess with her knives only Quetz to easily flip out of harm's way!

"Santa or not, she can't compare to a dinosaur's strength!" Koyo declared, again assuming her T-Rex form!

"How amusing! You can't wrestle me with those scrawny arms!" Santa Quetz taunted only for Koyo's arm to suddenly grow thick and muscular, sending the servant into a tree with a megaton punch, splintering it! "Ugh... it seems I stand corrected." Jumping back to her feet, the Samba wrestler grinned in excitement. "Seems I have found a worthy opponent! ¡Vamos!" The two servants leapt at each other, Quetz slamming Koyo to the ground, only for the T-Rex to lift her off and hurl her into some brush! Quetzalcoatl leapt into the air for a body slam, only to get intercepted by Koyo's tail and sent skidding along the ground! Quetz quickly recovered however, dashing at Koyo, sliding under the berserker's punch and flip-kicking her in the jaw! She then grabbed Koyo around the neck and flipped her onto the ground!

"C'mon, Koyo! Beat that stupid Santa!" Gudako called.

"Sorry, this match is all mine~!" Santa Quetz taunted as she leapt up for another body slam- only for Koyo to suddenly expel a blast of flame from her jaws, nailing the blonde dead-on, crumpling to the ground in a heap! Getting back to her feet, Quetzalcoatl complained, "My Santa outfit! It's all burnt and not festive anymore! ¡Qué desastre!"

"Now, Jack!" Ritsuka ordered.

"Maria The Ripper!" Jackie cried, slashing Santa Quetz several times, blood spurting from her body! As she collapsed, the little assassin yelled, "That's for hurting Mommy and being a bad Santa!"

"The child... rejected me...?" Quetz lamented. "Oh, qué tristeza..." With that, she collapsed into golden dust and faded away to nothing, a Grail soon materializing where she had vanished.

"Bleh, that was kinda gruesome... but it worked," Gudako commented, a bit queasy. "Hey Koyo! Can you dig Atalante out of the ground?"

Koyo grunted affirmatively, enlarging her arms again to dig and pull Atalante out from her hole. Not long after, Achilles landed his chariot nearby. "Oh no! Atalante!" He immediately rushed over to help, managing to pull the archer from the hole, smacking her on the back as she coughed out dirt. "Speak to me! Are you all right?!"

(cough cough) "Achilles..." Atalante grunted, wiping dirt from her face until she could open her eyes again, beholding the handsome green-haired rider. "My hero. But don't expect a kiss."

"Not until you wash your face," Achilles quipped with a playful wink.

"Does this mean Jackie's gonna have a daddy soon?" Jack asked, causing them both to blush furiously.

"Oooh, I ship it!" Gudako said with a knowing grin on her face.

"I hope you two are happy together," Koyo piled on, having reverted to her human form.

"Alright, enough embarrassing those two," Ritsuka interrupted. Picking up the Grail, he continued, "If we've gotten what we came for, we should rayshift back now..."

"Good idea! Then I can clean up this yucky mud!" Gudako agreed.

"Very well, I will contact Da Vinci to recall us," Yuki said.

"By the way, what's that plant for?" Achilles indicated the cacao plant the interface held.

"This is the main raw ingredient for making Valentine's chocolate," Yuki answered. "Queen Semiramis wished to modify her Hanging Gardens of Babylon into a chocolate factory for all of Chaldea. And it appears we already have two potential customers," she smiled at Achilles and Atalante, the two servants now beet-red. "Anyway, let us return..."

And so the party returned to Chaldea...

*To be continued...*