Fate/Kyon's Order: The Return
A Haruhi Suzumiya & Fate/Grand Order Crossover
by Derald Snyder
Part 9: Valentine's Day
*Hanging Gardens of Babylon, above Chaldea*
Despite the Antarctic landscape clearly visible from the edge, the Hanging Gardens were a balmy 75 degrees, perfect for growing cacao plants. In fact, the entire floating castle had basically become a chocolate-making factory, the three Masters looking about in awe.
"Wow! Is that a chocolate fountain?!" Gudako gasped in amazement.
"Don't dive into it," Ritsuka cautioned.
"Semiramis really put a lot of effort into this!" Mash said from beside him.
"Kinda surprising," Kyon muttered, walking alongside Haruhi. "I was under the impression that she wanted to be served like a queen, not do this for everyone."
"Unless she's got some ulterior motive," Haruhi mused. "Maybe there's someone at Chaldea that's caught her eye?"
"Ooh, already?" Gudako grinned giddily. "Heehee, I can't wait to tease Her Majesty about this!"
"That would not be advisable," a male voice spoke up, a servant with dark skin, white-spiked hair and dressed in priestly robes with black pants walking into view. "Queen Semiramis isn't one who can handle open affection very well. One has to be discreet with her."
"Amakusa!" Ritsuka recognized the ruler. "You were invited, too?"
"Of course, given that we were close allies in a previous Grail War," Amakusa replied. "And before you ask, Riyo-san, I wasn't attracted to Semiramis' beauty, being a holy man and all. Rather, I admired her tactical mind and sharp wit."
"You admire her, huh?" Haruhi smirked knowingly.
"Well, better to admire a woman for her mind than her body," Kyon shrugged. "Believe me, when Haruhi and I first met, she was pretty and a straight-A student, but also a bit out there. It took her growing up a bit before I seriously considered pursuing a relationship with her..."
"I'm glad you didn't give up on me," Haruhi said with a smile.
"Y-you have the wrong idea," Amakusa ducked his head.
"Then why did she go through all this effort for Valentine's Day?" Haruhi shot back. "You said it yourself, she prefers being discreet... it doesn't take that fake Sherlock Holmes to connect the dots here."
"N-nevertheless, I would at least ask that you not hound Semiramis about this," Amakusa grunted, now blushing a bit.
"Right, no hounding, or I'll take a vow of chastity for tonight," Kyon snarked.
"You wouldn't!" Haruhi turned to face her fiancee in exaggerated shock. "On Valentine's of all days?!"
"Not as long as you behave," Kyon stipulated.
"Oh fine, I won't harass the queen," Haruhi visibly hung her head. "Besides, she might give me poisoned chocolate if I did that anyway..."
"She better not give ME poisoned chocolate! I'm her Master, after all!" Gudako asserted.
"I'm sure she wouldn't be that petty," Ritsuka shook his head.
"Well, shall we go meet up with her and Nagato?" Mash said.
And so, a few minutes later, the group came across Yuki and Semiramis nearby the queen's throne. "Greetings, my queen," Amakusa gave a small bow.
"Hello, Amakusa," Semiramis said dispassionately. "You all should feel privileged that I have granted you all this rare honor. I wouldn't usually permit peasants to walk in my sacred garden, but this was a special circumstance. Also, Miss Nagato here deserves credit for speeding up the process of constructing the Gardens and growing the cacao for this special occasion."
"Our interests happened to overlap," Yuki took over. "I wanted to ensure a happy Valentine's day for Suzumiya-san and her fiancee, though I understand it takes more than just chocolate for that."
"Aw, that's so sweet of you, Yuki!" Haruhi complimented. "I just hope you can find someone who'll make you happy someday, too!"
"It is fine," the interface shook her head. "It is not a high priority for me at the moment..."
"Your horrible attempts at matchmaking notwithstanding," Kyon snarked to Haruhi.
"Hey, how was I supposed to know that one handsome bookworm was actually a sadistic serial killer?!" Haruhi shot back in defense.
"S-serial killer?!" Gudako gasped.
"Yeah, Nagato revealed her true nature and put the fear of God in that bastard," Kyon supplied. "He pled guilty and now he's serving consecutive life sentences. Good riddance to bad rubbish."
"How sad," Amakusa sighed, "for such a lost soul to be utterly consumed by evil... this is why I sought after the Grail myself, in the past..."
"You still do," Ritsuka spoke up. "After all, you tried to betray us once for a Grail in a minor singularity..."
"Well, nice to see you haven't changed a bit," Semiramis snarked, causing the ruler to duck his head and turn away.
"I assure you, I've learned my lesson," Amakusa grunted in mild embarrassment.
"Says the guy who still looks for where we stashed all the lesser Grails we've retrieved," Kyon piled on. "But maybe now that you're here, Queen Semiramis..."
"Yes, I'll make sure to rein in this fool," the assassin closed one eye in annoyance. "In the meantime, perhaps this will tide you over..." Walking to her throne, she reached behind it and pulled out an elaborately-sculpted chocolate chalice. "I rather would have waited until we were in private, but I get the feeling Master isn't going to allow me that luxury... so, here."
"A chocolate Grail!" Amakusa exclaimed, taking it from her. "(ahem) Thank you. I shall treasure this generous gift."
"Just make sure you eat it before it melts," Ritsuka commented.
"Yeah, Her Majesty wouldn't be too happy with that!" Gudako added. "Hmm, too bad I don't have a boyfriend yet... I mean, Ritsuka here is kinda cute, but I can tell he's spoken for already. No offense, Mash."
"I, um, thank you!" Mash blushed at that, Ritsuka following suit.
"Aaaanyway, getting back on topic," Haruhi said, "Are there anymore custom-made chocolates, or are the rest mass-produced?"
"If someone wishes for a custom chocolate, they will have to come up and sculpt it themselves," Semiramis answered. "But yes, there will be generic ones made for those who don't wish to put in the effort."
"Alright, well, I know that Koizumi-san's gonna want one delivered back to Japan," Kyon said.
"I will take care of that," Yuki gave a slight nod. "I will consult with Koizumi-san personally."
"You four are quite close-knit, aren't you?" Amakusa observed. "Nakama, even..."
"Yeah, that's right," Haruhi nodded. "There used to be five of us, but one of them, um, moved away..."
"She was a time-traveler," Kyon cut in, causing the brunette to shoot him an annoyed look. "Haruhi, we're in a top-secret facility that uses a rough form of time-travel themselves. I think we can let them in on this."
"Um, was that Mikuru? Your mascot?" Ritsuka tried to recall.
"Yeah, that's her," Kyon nodded. "And according to Nagato, there's a good chance Kenji Asahina is actually her direct ancestor. Don't tell him that, though. Not yet, anyway."
"Ah, so that's why you became so close with him," Amakusa smiled. "Well, I'd love to continue this conversation, but as Fujimaru-san says, I need to get this chocolate Grail at least refrigerated before it melts... if you'll excuse me. Good day, Semiramis." With that, he gave a brief bow and took his leave.
"Don't eat it all at once, either," Semiramis called after him.
*That night...*
"Thanks again for sending those chocolates to Tachibana-san," Koizumi nodded to Yuki as they walked into Salon de Marie together, the former wearing Kyon's three-piece suit, the latter in a modest purple dress with wrist-length gloves.
"You are welcome," Yuki acknowledged. The two sat down at a booth, Haruhi and Kyon joining them not long after. The reality warper Master was dressed in a strapless evening gown similar to one one her servant self wore, while Kyon was dressed in his work uniform, albeit cleaned and neatly pressed, his hair combed properly. "Good evening, Suzumiya-san, John Smith."
"It hasn't been that long since we last saw each other," Kyon muttered as he and Haruhi sat down.
"So, what's the entertainment for tonight?" Haruhi asked. "I heard Elizabeth was going to sing, but then she got cancelled..."
Looking around a bit, Kyon said in a low voice, "Actually, Kenji-san is performing tonight, but he's in disguise."
"I did not know he could sing," Yuki said.
"Nor did I," Koizumi shrugged.
"Well, I only know about this because he confided in me, but..." Taking a quick glance to ensure no one was listening in, he whispered, "Tristan discreetly recorded him singing 'A Horse With No Name' when he was sunbathing at Fantasia Resort, and worked with Robin Hood to make a music video featuring him. Kenji begged them not to show it, and they agreed on the condition that he sang tonight. Not the same song, mind you."
"Tristan of the Round Table? I didn't think he was the type for blackmail," Koizumi commented.
"It wasn't so much blackmail as not wanting Asahina-san's talent to go to waste," Kyon stated. "Oh wait, looks like it's starting."
The group looked over to where Marie Antoinette had just taken the stage... "Good evening, everyone! I'm sure all of you were looking forward to Elizabeth's magnifique singing tonight..." A chorus of boos resounded, Haruhi joining in. "Oh, non, don't be like that! Anyway, there's been a change in plans-" A cheer went up from the audience. "Oui, oui! Tonight we have a mystery singer who requested his identity remain hidden! He shall sing a song of his own choice, that is somewhat in theme with Valentine's Day! Enjoy!" With that, she stepped away, Mozart beginning to play a tune on his piano...
Then Kenji stepped out from behind the curtain, disguised in a trench coat and hat with large sunglasses on his face, a drum joining the chorus as he began to sing:
~Just as I thought it was goin' all right,~
~I found that I'm wrong when I thought I was right~
~It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all~
~I could say day, and you'd say night~
~Tell me it's black when I know that it's white~
~It's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all~
"Oh, I know this song!" Haruhi exclaimed. "Kyon used to play this after we'd had an argument..."
"I think it exemplifies our relationship at times," her fiancee sighed.
As Kenji began to get into the song, Koizumi observed, "My, he's actually not half bad, even singing in English."
"Now you see why Tristan quote-unquote 'blackmailed' him," Kyon concurred.
"Yes," Yuki nodded. "This is... enjoyable." It seemed quite a few others agreed, bobbing their heads in time with the beat.
"Yeah, sing it!" Gudako called, eliciting some light laughter and causing Kenji to flub his next line in embarrassment, though he quickly recovered.
At a corner table, Semiramis commented, "Well, his singing is passable... thank the gods, I'd heard horrible things about Elizabeth Bathory's musical talents..."
"I've heard she can be a good singer with the right motivation," Amakusa recalled. "But such occasions are, sadly, very rare."
"Remind me to play sick next time she's scheduled to sing," the queen sighed. "Anyway, that's a very nice suit you're wearing..."
"Thank you. Just don't let Riyo-san hear you say that," Amakusa pointed out.
"R-right," Semiramis ducked her head. Fortunately Gudako was far enough away to not hear their quiet conversing...
Soon, Kenji was finished singing, letting Mozart and the band play for a little bit longer before they finished as well, the audience applauding them heartily. "Way to go, Kenji!" Haruhi called. "With that voice you'll get a girl by next Valentine's for sure!"
"Gahhh!" Kenji cried at being called out, his hat falling off and his glasses falling down his nose. "Smith! You told them?! You promised me you'd keep it quiet! How could you do this to me?!" A rumble of laughter was heard through the lounge.
"Oh, my!" Marie giggled. "Well, the cat is out of the bag now! Our mystery singer tonight is none other than Kenji Asahina! Give him some applause!" Kenji's face went red, burying said face in his hands as he was given a standing ovation.
"Best Valentine's we've had in a while!" Haruhi said with a wide grin.
"Yeah," Kyon nodded in agreement. "But in my opinion, the best part hasn't even started yet..."
"Oooh, is that a hint? What happened to chastity?" Haruhi gave her fiancee a sly look.
"You behaved yourself," Kyon shot back.
"If I may, could you please save your pillow talk for the pillows?" Koizumi suggested.
"Okay," both lovers replied in unison, sharing a chuckle together...
*To be continued...*
