Fate/Kyon's Order: The Return
A Haruhi Suzumiya & Fate/Grand Order Crossover
by Derald Snyder
Part 13: BB Channel~!
"Fox Caster, you are overreacting here!" Nero argued with Tamamo, the two standing in the latter's room.
"Overreacting?! Like hell I am!" Tamamo shot back, having just changed into a fresh kimono. "If Cat can come here, then what about the other Tamamo Nine? Some of them you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley! Especially Tamamo-vitch! She acts like a secretary, but she's even more vicious than me at my worst!"
"At least Cat and Gudako seem to get along well," Nero pointed out.
"Good for them! But that's not going to stop Cat from rubbing me the wrong way! What if she tries to usurp my position among the kitchen staff?!"
"I-I'm sure Nameless- I mean, Emiya wouldn't just leave you on the side of the road, figuratively speaking," Nero assured her friend. "It's so strange, knowing that Archer's name now..."
"I'm sure he had his reasons for keeping it quiet back then," Tamamo sighed. Suddenly, the PA clicked on, emitting unintelligible noise... "Mikon...?"
"...ello? ...this thing... Ahem, hello Chaldea! Can you little humans all hear me?!" The voice suddenly became clear, causing both Nero and Tamamo's blood to curdle in their veins. "Oh, good, looks like I finally got in!"
"That voice..." Tamamo whimpered.
"It... it cannot be!" Nero gasped.
"I have to hand it to you, Chaldea, your security's top-notch! Good job, it's not often that someone like me has difficulty with computer security! Glad you guys are on the ball, even in 2019! Okay, let's start this over!" The voice then uttered two words that both the saber and caster had hoped to never hear again...
"BB Channel~!"
"It IS her!" Nero and Tamamo cried in sync, looking at each other in horrified realization!
"But how?! She shouldn't exist in this time!" Nero said in denial.
"It doesn't matter! Her being here means big trouble! We need to get to the Control Room now!" Tamamo asserted.
"For once I agree with you, Fox Caster! Let us make haste!" Nero agreed, the two promptly vanishing into spirit form.
*Mission Control*
(Music- 'BB Channel')
"Wh-who are you?!" Mash demanded of the woman with dark lilac hair, matching eyes, dressed in a white leotard with a black high-collared jacket, a red ribbon tied at the right side of her head, another one tied in a bow over her very ample chest.
"You don't resemble any of the Seraphix staff that I can recall from the data files," Da Vinci mused.
"Bzzzzt, wrong answer! Nope, this broadcast is coming to you live from me, BB: Illegal high-grade AI and Ruler of the Moon!" the girl replied with a wide smile.
"An AI?! So, you're like Nagato-san here!" Mash realized.
"We may be similar in concept, but I am far more advanced than Black Blossom-san," Yuki spoke up.
"What the-?! How did you-?!" BB's jaw dropped. "There's no way you could have guessed my real name like that!"
"I have already analyzed you thoroughly, Black Blossom," Yuki responded dispassionately. "You are far more advanced than any AI that exists in this time frame, but you still pale in comparison to myself, not to mention the entire Integrated Sentient Data Entity."
"Integrated Sentient Data Entity?" BB's face shifted to one of confusion.
"Basically, Nagato here is an interface for an intangible extraterrestrial supercomputer," Da Vinci explained, "who just happens to be close friends with one of our staff!"
"Extraterrestrials?! ...Well, that explains a few things. No wonder I had trouble with your security," BB pouted. "I should've known you pathetic humans could never have made your firewalls so tight in 2019 without help from outer space."
"Hey, don't sell us humans short!" Gudako cried as she ran into the room with Fujimaru and Haruhi, with Kyon and Artesia bringing up the rear. "Who are you and what do you want with us?!"
"Late to the party, much? But it's OK! Like I said, I'm BB, the ultra-cute and ultra-immature AI from the future, here to help you little humans after my oil stove caught fire! By which I mean Seraphix, of course! Now, the stove doesn't matter one bit to me, but I don't want MY room burning down too, you know? So I opened up this channel to help you out, even though I have absolutely no desire to do so!"
"She's whacked," Haruhi observed. "Yuki, can't you just, decompile her or something?"
"That is not advisable at this point in time," the interface responded. "Despite Blossom-san's instability, she does seem to have benevolent intentions."
"Hey! Call me BB, please! How many of you call The Rock Dwayne Johnson when he's in the ring or acting a movie role?! Exactly! So stick to my stage name, please! Anyway... if your alien AI hasn't told you already, Seraphix is no longer in your time, but in A.D. 2030!"
"2030?! Isn't that the future?!" Haruhi gasped in surprise.
"Yes. Seraphix has become a singularity," Yuki confirmed.
"A singularity, eh. And Seraphix is sinking even as we speak," Da Vinci observed.
"But if it keeps sinking, won't everyone, like, drown?!" Gudako realized.
"Yup! And once it hits 10,000 meters, the pressure will crush it like a tin can!" BB proclaimed. "And given space-time is all wonky down there, it's not looking good for the people trapped inside! So I guess that means you've got to rayshift over there! Oh, by the way, what are your names?"
"I'm Riyo Gudako! 47th Master of Chaldea!" Gudako exclaimed.
"Ritsuka Fujimaru, 48th Master," Ritsuka said next.
"Haruhi Suzumiya, newest Master of Chaldea and Leader of the SOS Brigade, dedicated to exploring supernatural phenomena!" Haruhi declared.
"Supernatural phenomena, huh? Well, this should be right up your alley, then!" BB said happily. "But, um, Ritsuka, was it? Sheesh, talk about your forgettable background characters. But, my nonexistent heart goes pitter-patter for your type! So I'll gladly scorn you and happily help you out at the same time, Senpai!"
"Senpai?! Why are you calling him that when you've just met?!" Mash demanded.
"Whoa, hot under the collar much?" BB snarked. "Relax, I'm not gonna snatch your boyfriend away or anything! He just seems like a Senpai-type character!"
"W-we're not like that...!" Ritsuka and Mash cried, both turning red.
"Wow. In perfect stereo, even," BB deadpanned. Just then, Nero and Tamamo appeared from spirit form in front of Ritsuka! "Oh, hey, I see some familiar faces! Of course, you probably don't remember me, but-"
"How on Earth could we forget YOU, BB?!" Nero cut her off. "Just what nefarious scheme do you have planned this time?!"
"We're wise to your tricks! You won't get our Masters that easily!" Tamamo added.
"Wait, you DO remember?!" BB gasped, frowning and sweat-dropping. "Ugh, this is not going according to script at all! I'm gonna have to improv from here on out..."
"I'm guessing you two were summoned into a Holy Grail War in 2030, and she tried to hack the outcome or something?" Haruhi guessed.
"You aren't too far off the mark," Tamamo confirmed. "She's been a big headache for me and Saber!"
"Sorry I'm late!" Emiya called as he also materialized. "So what's going on? Another singularity?"
"Yes, and this fool is the one responsible, most likely!" Nero pointed to BB on the screen.
"Hey, low blow! Do really think I'd turn some old 2019 oil rig into a singularity for the fun of it?!" BB shot back. "Anyway, hey there, Nameless! These two ladies giving you headaches as usual?"
"Um, do I know you?" Emiya's face contorted in confusion.
"Oh... you don't remember. Oh well, two out of three isn't bad!" BB shrugged with a smile. "So, anyway, I'm not the one responsible for the singularity, because there's nothing in it for me. All I'm here to do is help you poor Masters rayshift here so you can save the Seraphix staff!"
"It's a trap. I guarantee it," Tamamo snarled.
"Even if it is, we can't ignore the people trapped there," Ritsuka pointed out.
"I agree with Master. This isn't something we can just ignore," Emiya concurred. "Besides, if you've dealt with her before, couldn't you just sidestep any traps or plots she might try?"
"Excellent idea, Nameless!" Nero nodded. "Yes, we shall be accompanying Master to Seraphix! I assume there are no objections?"
"None from me," Da Vinci said.
"Oh, but you know, there's only enough data capacity for two Masters," BB spoke up. "So, one of you will have to be left behind, all alone..."
"In that case, Gudako should stay behind, then," Da Vinci decided. "Ritsuka is the Master with the most experience, and Suzumiya, as said before, has plenty of know-how with supernatural phenomena."
"What about Yuki, though?" Haruhi inquired. "Shouldn't she come along? IF this BB's an artificial intelligence, this would be right up her alley!"
"I decline," Yuki said firmly.
"Huh?!" Haruhi gasped in shock. "But- why?!"
"Let me guess, your bosses won't let you?" Kyon sighed.
"The ISDE has determined that my assistance is unnecessary for this singularity," Yuki gave a small nod. "After all, your presence there should be more than sufficient, Suzumiya-san."
"Well, yeah, but..." Haruhi grunted.
"Ohh, so you have to request permission, huh?" BB made a sad face. "Too bad you're not the boss, like I am here! But, I'm fine with Senpai and this Suzu-whatever character."
"Suzumiya," Haruhi corrected. "Okay then, to the rayshift chamber! Artesia, you're coming with me, since Fujino-san's not ready for deployment yet."
"Understood, Master," the blackened saber agreed. "And since Shirou is coming with us, we should work well together..."
"Yes! And Tamamo and I can help deal with any plots that little demon hatches!" Nero declared.
"That's right! As your dependable shrine maiden, I'll do my best to exorcise any misfortune BB brings on our heads!" Tamamo asserted.
"Aw, you're so cute, trying to protect your Master from big, bad BB here!" the AI teased. "Well, don't worry about Seraphix being in the future, I'll take care of that!"
"Right, since 2030 is the present for you," Da Vinci nodded. "We should hurry, Seraphix has only a few hours before it reaches the bottom! Ritsuka, Haruhi, you two are hereby ordered to rayshift to Seraphix and resolve the singularity! If that's all right with you?"
"Sure, just wish I had my snorkel," Ritsuka agreed.
"I'm sure she'll make sure you can breathe down there," Kyon snarked.
"Yep! I'll take care of proving your existence when you get here, as well!" BB said with a smile. "So, hurry up, chop chop!"
"Right, let us go!" Nero asserted, the group rushing to the rayshift chamber...
"Wait, Suzumiya-san," Yuki spoke up, Haruhi obediently halting as her friend came up and whispered in her ear... ("Be wary of Black Blossom, but do not assume she is the true enemy...")
"...okay, got it," Haruhi nodded. "Thanks, Yuki! Off I go! C'mon, Artesia!"
"Good luck, Senpai! Stay safe!" Mash called after Ritsuka.
(Starting Unsummon Program)
(Commencing Spiritron Conversion)
(Rayshift begins in 3... 2... 1...)
(All systems are go)
(Analyze Lost Order. Commencing Belt Recast)
...
(now hacking... now hacking...)
(OK!)
"Aha, ahaha, ahahahahaha!" BB laughed evilly. "That was way too easy, Senpai! A little sob story and you're rushing to help! But remember what I said about only enough capacity for two Masters? I meant ONLY two Masters, no servants allowed! BB Signal Jamming~!"
"What?!" cried Nero.
"Huh?!" gasped Emiya.
"What's this?!" yelled Tamamo, the trio suddenly digitizing out of existence!
"I'll just send you to random locations," BB stated, her eyes suddenly glowing red. "Humans don't deserve to play on easy mode. You'll either clear this game on hard mode, or not at all. No turning back now, it's only a matter of time before you're dead. It's a fight for your very survival... and the survival of all humanity! Good luck!"
*To be continued...*
