Oh, glorious days! Peace, man! Never before had a dwarf been able to travel like a common traveller in goblin territory. Halvdan and Runar were strolling casually from Dains Halls westward through the goblin realm and into the unruly lands between Gundabad, Dains Halls and the northwestern tip of Mirkwood. Halvdan was positively surprised by the new turn of events; he was for once mentioned before Runar instead of the common "Runar and Halvdan". While strolling casually, the dwarfs were very careful not to play any games, not even the simplest of quizzes, as this would have made them casual gamers. And as everyone knows, casual gamers are the legions of evil.
Having nothing but roots and some dried meat left for eating, it was time to resupply. The closest town was a wreck of civilization, therefore called Wreckyaburg, or Wrakyaburg in some dialects. Nevertheless, that's where they would have to go.
Wrakyaburg was actually officially under the dominion of the elves of Mirkwood. That rule was a farce, however, since the town was in reality ruled by the gangs of criminals that roamed the land. And no, mr Swedish translator of the Lord of the Rings, "roamed" is not equal to "bawl" or "roar". The elves did certainly not bawl in the deep woods…Uhm, anyways, where were we…ah yes, the criminals! The town itself was most foully plagued by groups of young brats taking up mugging, as well as disturbing the peace. They operated in groups of five each, always. Commonly known as "boy bands", every decent citizen hated them. The worst of all was the "Backstreet Boys". The origin of the name was somewhat clouded in mystery. They did like to stab people in the back in the street, so that could be the source of the name. They also retreated into shady backstreets when pursued. Perhaps they were born in a backstreet or lived in one as well. Regardless, the backstreet boys (so despicable that they didn't deserve capital letters in their name) were the pest of all boy band pests. Other notable bands included;
Un'sync (short for unsynchronized, a name derived from their poor planning and cooperation),
the Hen's Sons (claiming their birthright to all of Wrakyaburg due to their presumed mother, the sacred hen, hence the name),
Jestlife (wasting their lives away so much that their very existence was a jest of life itself) and
Boy Zone (named so for their fiercely territorial demeanour, guarding their own precious zone. It should be said that that was no grand feat, since their zone consisted of the area closest to the general manure silo, generally shunned by everyone with some common sense).
It did not take long for the new visitors to get a feeling of Wrakyaburgs picturesque atmosphere. While stopping to purchase carrots and cabbage in the market square, Runar and Halvdan heard a great disturbance coming from one of the backstreets. It was the most hideous singing imaginable! Endless lines of complete nonsense and crap. It was the infamous battle cry of the backstreet boys…
People all around them fleeing in terror, tables thrown upside down, wares spilled out in the mud…the square had gone into chaos. The dwarfs did not know what to do about it. They thought it was the strangest town they had ever visited. Suddenly five teenage boys burst out in the square, doing the lamest and most pathetic dance movements one can possibly think of. It was a spectacle of such epic crappiness that it was matched only by the war chant they let out, one sentence each, to scare their enemies:
-Everybody, yeah, yeah
-Rob their bodies, yeah, yeah
-Everybody, yeah, yeah
-Rob those buddies now
-(chorus)Backstreet's back all right!
Runar and Halvdan didn't know whether to be insulted by their insulting text or disgusted by the poor dancing or just laugh like mad at the ridicule of the whole band. One of the boys stepped forward and proclaimed an ultimatum.
-Hand over all your money!
Now that was just too much! Scaring away all the vendors and attempting to rob both of them!
-Runar, what is the currency in these parts of the Middle-Earth?
-Beats me, we didn't get any chance to pay before they showed up. Why?
-Do you think it could be cabbage?
-Well, why not? Actually, since we at least know that they sell cabbage here, cabbage is the best guess so far.
-Precisely my point. And therefore, we should hand over all our currency to those enterprising youths over there. We could add those rotten tomatoes as a bonus.
-Halvdan! That is sheer genius! You do indeed have your bright moments. Of course we should hand over the cabbage. And quickly so. Wouldn't want to keep them waiting.
-On second thought, it may be best to deliver it through the air. Flying express mail, so to say.
-Right!
In the end, the incompetent villains were routed by the bombardment and Runar and Halvdan were able to buy food and other supplies for the road ahead. Marching north again they saw some teen girls dressed in very stupid-looking clothes and shrieking like mad harpies. The dwarfs had never seen them before, but anyone in Wrakyaburg could tell who they were. It was a group of female smugglers which sometimes cooperated with the boy bands and sold the things they had stolen. The spoils were being smuggled out of town hidden among crates of smelly spices. Consequently, the smugglers were known as the "Spice Girls".
On the road north they met two strange looking fellows. One was dressed in a grey suit and a very high cylindrical hat. The other was wearing a brown coat without sleeves, neither coat nor cloak. He also had a peculiar green cap and was magnificently looking at the surroundings through a magnificent magnifying glass. When the dwarfs approached he greeted them in a most strange manner:
-Aha! You are two travellers from Rottland, having grown up in the western mountains, who have just moved and bought a farm! Said the man with the green cap.
-Blimey, you are either in league with the devil or the devil yourself! How on earth did you figure all that out? Said his companion.
-Elementary, my dear Whatsson. Their beards and small stature suggests growing up in a primitive area with no shaving equipment and scarce nutrition. Such as western Rottland, which is subject to constant raids by the orcs of Gundabad. Being here, loaded with vegetables, it is clear that they have now moved here in search of more fertile lands.
-My goodness, Sholmes, you are amazing!
-Uhm, sorry to interrupt, said Runar, but we are dwarfs and not malnourished human farmers. We also keep long beards because we like it that way and are travelling northwest. We have no intention of buying a farm near here and have bought the vegetables to eat during our journey. We are Runar and Halvdan, by the way, emissaries of Erebor, at your service. Who might you be?
The overly assuming man with the green cap was Herlock Sholmes, private detective and investigator of murders in large mansions in the countryside. He always carried a lock of his wifes hair in a necklace and was in time known as "Her lock Sholmes", shortened to Herlock. His elementary colleague was doctor Whatsson. His father had been a very curious man who asked everybody about everything. Eventually peole became so annoyed that they started calling him "What" and so his son was called "What's son". They made their living from investigating gruesome and spectacular murders in small country villages with peaceful names such as Midsummer, Lynleyville, Mount Albano, Frostfields and Marpleton. After about a week they usually found the unlikely culprit who confessed everything in front of the assembled crowd in the living room, for some strange reason. They never had to prove their theories in a court or something, as soon as they confronted their suspect with everything they knew, no matter how far-fetched, they always confessed everything at the end of the episode and filled in with details that an outside viewer could never have guessed on his own. They were on their way to Wrakyaburg as a matter of fact, to look into the recent robberies for the umpteenth time.
-Wait a little; said Runar, have you exposed them before? Shouldn't they be locked up for their disgusting behaviour?
-We certainly don't deal with those things, do we Whatsson?
-Ridiculous thought, old chap! We only expose them in front of everyone and stun the audience with our fantastic reasoning and wisdom.
-So you do not actually fight crime, you just capitalize on it? Asked Runar.
-Certainly sir, one should capitalize on crime and criminals, it would be unjust to capitalize on decent people who obey the laws and are decent to each other.
-Right…
What was Rottland, by the way? The country between the towns of Wrakyaburg and Framsburg produced honey and consequently had lot's of bees and people stung by the bees. It was called Stingland for that reason. West of Stingland lay a craggy country where dragons had nested in ancient times. The whole Grey mountains had been home to dragons (the dwarfs still fielded the so called "dragonslayers of Ered Mithrin") but here they were especially numerous, particularly the red ones, easy to spot against the green grass and white sky. In ancient times one could hardly turn around without spotting a glimmering dragon scale. That is, unless the dragon had eaten one before one had the chance to turn around. Therefore, this country was known as "Scales". To the northwest, at the borders of the Gundabad mountains, lay a green plain frequently burned during the goblin raids. This part was called Fireland for that reason. It lay to the north and was somewhat illogically referred to as "Northern Fireland", illogical since it was the only Fireland in the vicinity. There was always a fire somewhere. To the north lay a cold and wet area, where everything except the numerous sheep quickly rotted. It was called Rottland. Rottland was also noted for being the headquarters of the private investigators, like Herlock Sholmes. They were based in an abandoned vineyard and sometimes referred to as the "Rottland Yard".
Stingland in the south, Scales in the west, Rottland in the north and Northern Fireland to the northwest formed together the so called United Kingdom. Each part had their separate jurisdiction, laws and even language, although they all spoke in the common tongue as well. Funny enough they also had a common law juridical system and a house of commons to govern the cities instead of a town hall. As everyone can see they were very...united... Or not.
The "unity" was built on a "personal union" between the royals of each country who met and had boring parties with each other. The Stinglish drank tea with honey, the Rotts drank rainwater and the Scalesish and Firish were too disgusted by those two brews to be able to drink anything.
Maybe the United Kingdom was more like the Divided Kingdom, but it was safest to appear united. The Stinglish had after all coined the phrase "divide and conquer" and were well aware of the importance of unity and stability to resist invasions. The Stinglish frequently plotted against all countries of Middle Earth by disrupting their stability, sending Stinglish captains to lead rebellions of men, elves and even orcs.
The ultimate goal of the Stinglish was to create, through brutal conquest, a Brutish Empire, so large that the sun never set in it. Especially their present queen, Victoria, stressed the need for ruthless conquest. In all other aspects of life, the Victorian Stinglish only stressed the need for moderation, which our protagonists soon experienced.
Walking through the peaceful and quiet summer countryside between Wrakyaburg and Framsburg was truly a pleasure. No enemies in sight, no avalanches and no rain at the moment. The area was covered with crops and small stonewalls that separated them. Large mansions and estates overlooked it all from behind occasional trees.
Taking a detour through a meadow one day, Runar and Halvdan walked into a Stinglish lady who was reading a book while walking. She was so focused on reading that she almost collided with the walking dwarfs.
-God afternoon, said the dwarfs in order to alert her to their presence as well as their politeness.
-Oh! She was so surprised that she almost fell over. Runar caught her hand.
-My good sir! Please, that is most inappropriate!
-Uhm, sorry, said Runar, I just wanted to stop you from falling. It looked like you were about to fall.
-Oh well, yes, and I am most grateful, but it's just…inappropriate.
-Stopping people from falling? Asked Halvdan.
-Well, not as such but…I mean..this physical contact! "shudder" Think what my family would say if they knew about it.
-What, is physical contact deemed inappropriate among your people? Runar was stunned.
-Not in a close relationship of course, but otherwise we are expected to exercise moderation when it comes to that.
-Sounds more like abstinence than moderation.
-Oh no, you may hold hands and even sit close to each other after a while. That is, after a healthy five years of overseen introduction to each other.
-Sounds more like unhealthy than healthy I would say, said Halvdan.
-Isn't this terribly boring, never being able to touch anyone, asked Runar.
-A bit. I am not very good at it myself. That's why my father sent me out to read this book. Oh, but I am forgetting my manners! I am Elizabeth Bennet.
-We are Runar and Halvdan, emissaries of Erebor. What is that book you are reading?
-It's called Pride and Prejudice. It is intended to be a manual for young women who need to learn how to behave in a proper Victorian way. It's awfully boring, "sigh".
-What a strange title. You're not supposed to behave in a proud and prejudiced manner?
-Oh yes, and it also describes how to measure a man's worth and that dancing twice with you is the same as proposing a marriage and lot's of other things. I have to learn them all before my parents can marry me away.
-What? Said the dwarfs together. Proposing a marriage just by dancing twice with someone? Marry ones children away!? Marriage should be everyone's personal choice! And how on earth can you measure a man's worth after barely meeting him?
-Oh that's easy. You just have to look at the taxation calendar and then compare it to the marketing index and you will know what he earns during the year. Oh, wait, I forgot the currency calculation! Noo! I always forget that!
-But what has this got to do with a man's worth? That is just what he earns in a year?
-But that is a man's worth. Elizabeth looked surprised that anyone could question this.
-I thought a man's worth was determined by the skills and abilities of him, traits and virtues and such.
-Of course not! What are those good for? Perhaps for the peasantry but a gentleman never do anything. Nor does a lady. Their only worth is the amount of income they can add to their respective family.
-In Erebor a gentleman is someone that is gentle, that is, like polite, considerate and helpful. What is you Victorians definition of the term? Asked Runar.
They started walking along the meadow While Elizabeth Bennet explained about gentlemen.
-A gentleman is a most respectable man, totally different from the common man. He lives in a large mansion or castle and own vast acres of land. The commoners cultivate the land for him and in turn he let them grow their own crops on a minor part of his lands. A gentleman is noble, chivalrous and admirable.
-Why is he all that? Asked Runar.
-Because he is a gentleman of course.
-So a gentleman is admirable because he is a gentleman and a gentleman because he is admirable?
-Exactly! Very good, it took me ages to understand!
-I can't say I understand it, honestly. It only sounds self-righteous to me. Could you give an example of how to behave like a gentleman?
-Well, one of the most famous is Sir Walter Brawleigh, who threw out his cloak on the ground so that the queen could walk on it and wouldn't have to step into a muddy puddle.
-Why didn't they just go around the puddle?
-I don't know.
-Who was this Walter, asked Halvdan.
-He was a famous knight in the sixteenth century of the Third Age. He competed fiercely with sir Francis Fake over the queen's favour. Sir Francis Fake defeated a large fleet from the enemies of the flatlands, called Plain. Raleigh wished to outdo the defeat of the Planish armada by going on a long expedition. He never returned though, so the queen could not judge between them since she didn't know how far Brawleigh had come and which one who was the worthiest. Therefore she remained unmarried for the rest of her life, and literally untouched by anyone. She is of course heralded as a role model for anyone nowadays because of that.
-I wonder one thing, said Halvdan, if your family is so touchy about this touching subject, shouldn't they sort of have you followed or something like that? Not that I think you should be, but it is what I would expect.
-Stingland expects every man to do his duty. And so does my father, Scrooge Bennet. He sent three gentlemen to accompany me but I must have lost them at the cricket course. I was so focused on my reading that I didn't notice. They are very insignificant people though, so it really isn't my fault. They are my father's business acquaintances, called Tom, Dick, and Harry.
The company had reached the end of the Bennet grounds where Elizabeth had to turn back to get home for another boring dinner.
-Well, goodbye then, she said. Hope you will get safe and appropriate travels.
-It was nice to meet you, said the dwarfs, hope you will get out of this inappropriate prison of a moral code.
-Well, it doesn't sound so good now that I have met you. Elizabeth seemed to think that the Victorian way of living were perhaps after all not the best way of spending her life.
-Money is something to dig for, not marry for. Come to Erebor and we can show you, said Runar.
When they had just parted ways, Runar looked gloomy.
-Poor lady, she will turn to a walking statue of stone in this stupid land.
-No one should have to live like this. Do you think all aristocrats in this "United Kingdom" are the same? Or is it just the Stinglish?
-No idea…Ehm, hold these for a moment.
Runar handed over his backpack to Halvdan. Then he ran and gave Elizabeth a big hug and ran back again. Elizabeth was baffled beyond expression. She stood and looked after them for a long time.
For the rest of their journey through Stingland, Runar and Halvdan made a point of avoiding large mansions in the countryside. They followed the roads through villages and small towns which were all black since the people used coal for heating. It was not a healthy place at all.
As they passed the Times river west of Wrakyaburg, an ominous feeling was creeping up on them. Here they passed into goblin territory again. While they were at peace, it certainly felt safer in places where there were no goblins at all. Also, this was the northern Misty Mountains, the heartland of all heartlands for goblins. Expecting trouble and terrifying foes soon to come, the protagonists marched bravely towards Framsburg.
Framsburg was originally called Framesburg, but the name had changed a little over the years. It was once the site of a vicious quarrel between philosophers. One school, the hundredthers, clashed with another, the framers, over a timely issue. It was the question of how to divide time. In a mutual, cooperative project they had all come up with a system of hours, minutes and seconds for dividing a day. A day consisted of twelve hours, each consisting of 60 minutes which on their part consistently consisted of 60 seconds. Then the hundredthers put forth the proposal that a second should be divided into hundredths. The framers violently opposed that, and insisted upon dividing seconds in something they called "frames" or "frames per second". Neither had ever contemplated dividing seconds into 60 parts and maintain the logic a bit… The framers got the upper hand and named the murky little town Framesburg. Since neither they nor anyone else possessed a watch detailed and accurate enough to be able to depict frames, or even seconds, the idea was of purely a matter of principle and of academic interest. But since when have professors, philosophical doctors and other such elevated scholars cared about doing something useful?
After Framsburg, the scary mountains of Gundabad awaited all who dared climb them. Infested with goblins and orcs, they would be a perilous place at best. But that is another story, which will be published in the next chapter.
