There was something indescribably special about the simple pleasure of lying in a sunbeam. Then again, after Azkaban, there was something special about every simple pleasure one could imagine. The soothing warmth was so welcoming that the fact that a good portion of the beam of light was being intercepted by a large cat that had decided to drape itself over his barrel didn't bother Paddy in the slightest. It was still one hundred percent more refreshing than the misery to which he had become accustomed to over the last decade. He was almost too comfortable to get up and accomplish what he knew he needed to do.

With everyone else out of the house for one reason or another, he really should get up and check his mail. There was no telling what may have happened in the last twenty-four hours, and he was obligated to make sure no major upsets were in play.

Still, the sunbeam was very nice. He could nap for a few more minutes. No one should be home for at least . . .

With a sigh, the large dog stood up, dumping a more than half-asleep feline onto the floor. If Crookshank's face hadn't already been flat, that act alone would have gone a long way toward making that goal a reality.

Paddy was just giving himself a customary shake when a set of small fangs sank into his tail in retaliation.

"Yipe!" Paddy scooted forward several steps before turning and shooting a baleful glare at the only other current occupant of the house.

Crookshanks licked one of his front paws in a disinterested manner, ignoring the larger mammal.

Shaking himself again, Paddy huffed before trotting over to the window where he had seen Andi letting in the owl the night before. He did a quick scan, making sure that the neighbors wouldn't be able to see in, despite the likelihood his cousin had notice-me-not wards on her house. Then, he double-checked that the apparation point didn't have a direct line of sight to his current position.

Satisfied, Paddy transfigured into Sirius Black and stood up on his two feet while reaching to open the window.

"Mrooow." Crookshanks stated, seeing as he had followed the transfigured dog, perhaps planning some more payback.

"Shhhh!" Sirius said, placing one finger on his lips while he dug something out of his pocket with his other hand. "We need to keep this just between us."

"Mreeew." Crookshanks agreed before leaping onto Ted's recliner, all the while eyeing the canine-turned-man.

Sirius removed a small copper disk from somewhere in his new robes and tapped it with a wand he also had secreted away. Less than a minute later, an owl bearing a carrier's pouch entered through the open window. Without hesitation, Sirius opened the pouch and withdrew a stack of parchments. "I'm out for less than a month and I'm already buried in paperwork." He sighed as he focused on the top sheet. Reading quickly, he nodded to himself as he absorbed the news.

Like so many inmates of Azkaban, he had gotten into the habit of talking to himself. "Mmm hmmm. Good he showed up. I already knew that plan had gone off without a hitch; it was in the Daily Prophet. Good. Good. I can't wait to see how the Ministry reacts to that."

A fierce grin lit his face as he finished the letter. "Sawtooth's informants had better be right. They've caught the rat," he practically snarled. Then, he turned his attention to the remaining bundle. "Request for an extension on loan with inviting incentive. Denied." Sirius flipped the top page to the back of the pile to get at the next in line. "Request for an extension on loan with inviting incentive. Denied," he repeated, proceeding to the next.

He did this four or five more times before the pattern broke. "Request for an extension on loan with inviting incentive. Deni . . . wait a sec." He stopped to reread the offer. "Oooo!" he murmured. "That's . . . That's too good to pass up. Granted, it's giving them more rope, but it's rope they'll use to hang themselves." He studied the parchment some more, grinning manically. "Much too good to pass up. The pup would never forgive me if he found out that this particular knocking went unanswered."

Sirius was still grinning as he went over to where Andi kept her ink and quills. It wasn't part of the original game plan, but there was room for improvisation.


"Let me see if I have this straight." Emma Granger popped a gravy covered chip into her mouth before chewing and swallowing. "My daughter arranged for her future husband to have a second wife so that he wouldn't be forced to go back to his abusive relatives."

"From what I understand, that's the gist of it." Dora nodded.

"Forgive me for saying so," Emma said, "but that seems a bit convoluted. There must be easier ways around that problem. From what you've told me, those people would not be averse to us just showing up and saying we're taking Harry for the rest of the summer." There was more than a little venom in her voice when she said the word "people".

"There is a certain politically powerful and unethical busybody that needs to be countered," Dora said.

"Still, this is like throwing out your highest trump card on the opening hand." Dan said. "It should have been saved for a time when it was needed. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, after all."

"Especially where magic is involved." Dora practically growled. "I cannot imagine what they were thinking when they concocted this."

"Maybe, some future someone, who shall not be named, talked their wife into something she would not have otherwise gone along with," Dan suggested.

"Daddy," Hermione said dangerously, "Harry would never."

"Don't give me that," Dan said. "What young man wouldn't dream of having two beautiful wives?"

"A sane one?" Harry offered.

"Someone's hormones haven't kicked in yet," Emma noted.

"Well," Dora said somewhat hesitantly and more than a little reluctantly, "I am considered to be a priceless prize."

"Excuse me for bursting your ego," Emma said. "You are beautiful, but I'd hardly consider you priceless."

Dora looked down and shyly drummed her fingers on the table. "I can change my looks."

"Change your looks?" Dan repeated dubiously.

Hermione gasped. "You're a metamorphmagus."

"Yeah," Dora said meekly. "I hate it. Men only see me as an object to be possessed."

"Men see all women as objects to be possessed," Emma scoffed. "Until they learn better. Even then, some learn better than others. You needn't take it to heart."

"You shouldn't be so harsh," Dan objected. "Not all of us think that way."

"After what you just accused your son-in-law of, you have no room to talk," Emma told Dan, who suddenly had the suspicion that he would be spending the night on the couch.

"It's worse for me." Dora frowned. "I can become any woman they want, fulfill any fantasy."

"Can you really change that drastically?" Hermione asked. "Not just, say, your hair?"

"Yes," Dora said. "And don't knock the hair. I can do wicked things with my hair." So saying, her hair grew to just below her shoulders while turning red and orange with a yellow stripe down the center. "You have no idea how much I save on haircare products."

"I'm jealous," Emma muttered.

"That's amazing," Hermione gushed. "Can you do that with all of your hair? Even . . ."

"Yes," Dora interrupted. "I can even do my eyebrows." Said features turned fluffy and changed to match the colors adorning her head.

"That's not what . . ." Hermione stopped herself. "And the rest of your body? You can change that as well?"

"Give me a photo and I can match it." Dora said.

"So, if I gave you a picture of Dolly Parton, you could match her . . ." Hermione let her words trail off, an eager look on her face.

Dora stared at Hermione with her mouth half open. "Okay," she said after a few seconds. "I'm beginning to have my suspicions on exactly whose idea it was to include me."

"And suddenly it all makes sense." Emma sighed placing her head in her hands.

"I . . . I don't know how to feel about this." Dan admitted.

Harry asked. "Who's Dolly Parton?"


"Ah, Minister Fudge, just the man I was looking for." Dumbledore stalked across the atrium of the Ministry to corner his prey. "I'm afraid I must petition for emergency funds due to unforeseen circumstances."

Fudge didn't even break stride as the elder wizard strode up and matched his pace. "I'm sorry; I don't have the time right now," he said distractedly. "I have more than one emergency of my own to contend with."

"This matter cannot wait," Dumbledore said in a friendly yet firm manner. "It is of dire importance to the future of our society."

Still walking, Fudge held his hand out. Taking the hint, Dumbledore responded by placing a scroll in it. The Minister took a self-inking quill out of his robes and opened the scroll to the signature line. Without any flourish or a hard surface to support the parchment, Fudge signed it. "I really am busy," he told Dumbledore. "I hope this takes care of the problem; I really cannot manage any more surprises right now." He tossed the scroll to Dumbledore and hurried into a waiting elevator. "Good day," he said as the doors slid shut.

Dumbledore looked at the scroll in his hands, before producing his own quill to sign as a witness. "Well," he said, heading toward another elevator intending on getting the paperwork properly filed as soon as possible. "That was easier than anticipated. To think I started the petition high so he would feel a sense of accomplishment by talking me down. I even added a paragraph to purchase new brooms, just to pad it a bit." He stopped to think for a second. "I should have added a clause for new robes for the staff while I was at it," he mused.


Andromeda Tonks popped into existence with the telltale crack of apparation, which was all the warning a certain black dog needed to be alerted to her presence.

"Yes Paddy, I'm home," Andi said to the canine who had come to greet her. "I wasn't gone for tha . . . get down! You are much too big . . . Get down! I see some training is . . . Get down! Bad dog!"

Finally listening, the dog looked up at her, happily wagging his tail.

Wiping something off her face that hadn't been there before, Andi glared back in return. "I know James trained you better than that. I see you picked up some bad habits."

"Mrooow!"

"You tell him, Crookshanks."

"That didn't take long," Ted said, walking into the hallway. "I'd kiss you, but I don't fancy the taste of dog slobber."

Andi sighed before stepping over and using her husband's shirt as a towel.

"Here now," Ted protested with a laugh. "That can't be proper manners."

"You didn't think I was going to ruin my blouse," Andi said, finishing cleaning herself before giving Ted a kiss hello. "Of course, it didn't take long. Sirius left me his permission, and the house elf knew exactly where to look for the items we need."

"Glad to hear it went off without a hitch."

"I wouldn't say that." Andi frowned. "I'm positive Kreacher tried to disobey me when I ordered him to fetch the locket. I left him standing in the corner with orders not to move for an hour. After that he is only to leave the house for necessary supplies. No talking with either of my sisters."

"And the other item?"

Andi reached into a pocket and removed a shrunken book, which she returned to normal size.

After studying the book Ted told Andi, "You know I don't speak French; what does the title say?"

"Basically, an idiot's guide to voodoo," Andi answered. "The author isn't very flattering to her readers."

"Do you think this is going to work?" Ted frowned at the book.

"You can do some very nasty things to someone if you have a few strands of their hair. Imagine what you can do if they are careless enough to leave a piece of their soul laying around." Andi smirked.

"Well, that's his problem now, isn't it?" Ted smirked back.


"I can't believe I have this much money," Hermione said, studying the paperwork she was holding.

"I can't believe you gave away over half of what you got," Dora added, looking over her shoulder.

Hermione nodded. "I recognize Ron, Lavender, Dean, Ginny, Su Li, the Twins, and the Creevey brothers; though honestly, I didn't know there were two of them. On the other hand, who are Sinclair, Ashfeld, Lovegood or Rosewood?"

"We followed your orders explicitly," Sawtooth said from behind his desk. "For informing us of the abomination in one of our vaults, you received ninety percent of its contents. Those funds were funneled through the Black accounts to wash them." He shook his head in dismay. "How you expect that to be accomplished is beyond me. Gold is better cleaned using a weak acid, but as I said, we were following your instructions."

"Are you telling me, as a banker, you are unaware of how to launder money?" Hermione asked in surprise.

"I assure you; we know how to keep money pristine." Sawtooth huffed. "Like I said, a weak acid is best for gold."

Hermione stared at the goblin for a second before turning to look at Dora.

"Yeah, that concept hasn't filtered over yet." Dora shrugged. "Wizards are slow to embrace muggle ideas."

"The possibilities," Hermione opined.

"Best keep those thoughts to yourself," Dora suggested.

"And they aren't illegal here," Hermione added.

"That way lies the dark side of the force," Dora warned her.

"If you have any ideas on how to acquire more gold, as your account manager, I'd be happy to entertain suggestions," Sawtooth said hopefully.

Hermione opened her mouth to speak, but Dora roughly nudged her from behind. "You have already initiated a financial beatdown on your enemies. Keep something in reserve."

"Why are you giving me credit for things I haven't done yet?" Hermione pouted.

"We have to blame someone," Harry said. "Besides, you're brilliant."

Hermione closed her eyes and counted to ten. "Did I leave any other instructions?" she asked Sawtooth.

"We are to go upside your head with a flyswatter if you start a campaign to end elf ownership." The goblin answered. "Also, you very firmly informed us that you were not to alter your plans for one Miss Luna Lovegood, despite your younger self most likely not being completely amendable to the idea."

"What plans are those?" Hermione asked.

"It's a surprise." Sawtooth grinned at her.

"Oh," Harry said. "You did mention her to me as well."

"What did I say?" Hermione prodded.

"It didn't make much sense." Harry admitted. "You wanted to buy something, but didn't tell me what."

"Buy something?" Hermione asked.

"Yes." Harry nodded. "You specifically told me you were to buy something, but you didn't tell me what."

"What could I possibly want to b . . . oh." Hermione's face turned red.

Dora facepalmed. "Harry?"

"Yes?"

"Remember that conversation we had last night?"

"Yes," Harry said in a small voice.

"Well, I obviously left out some important details," Dora said. "We are going to have a refresher tonight."

"We don't have to if you don't want," Harry offered.

"Conversation?" Hermione asked.

"The talk," Dora said flatly.

"Really?" Hermione managed to blush harder. "You gave Harry the talk?"

"We have a blank slate," Dora said. "We get to train him however we please."

"Really?" Hermione sounded hopeful.

"And you need to stop corrupting him," Dora said firmly.

"I've read some interesting."

"Are you sure you're only twelve?" Dora asked in exasperation.

"Thirteen, actually. Almost fourteen."

"Still . . ."

"I've read some interesting things," Hermione insisted.

"I'm lost," Harry admitted. "What exactly are we talking about?"

"I almost feel bad for you." Sawtooth looked at the young man. "Extremely jealous and bad at the same time."

"Why does that make me feel nervous?" Harry asked.

"Because you inherited your parents' intelligence," Dora said with a grin that didn't reassure him.

There was a knock on the office door, interrupting the drama. "Enter," Sawtooth called out.

The door opened, letting Doctors Dan and Emma Granger enter while their escort waited in the corridor.

"Well, that was informative," Emma said, walking over to hug her daughter.

"How was it, Mum?" Hermione leaned into the embrace.

"Unsettling to say the least," Dan said coming to stand behind the three women. "You had a nasty scar over your right eye. I'd imagine you were lucky you didn't lose it. Though it wasn't your normal eye color; an electric blue actually." He frowned. "If you hadn't told me that they were going to start by targeting the mundane born who had turned down their education, I'd pull you out of that school in an instant."

Tears were leaking down Emma's face. "You did tell us that Harry is the only one for you and you are more than willing to share. In fact, you were quite blunt about that."

"No surprise there," Dora quipped.

"I suppose not," Emma admitted. "Dear, remember how you wanted an apology for those assumptions we made and I told you that we'd do so after watching the memory?"

"Yes Mum." Hermione perked up a bit.

"Well, we are going to hold off on that apology and have a little talk, just you and me," Emma finished.

"Mum!" Hermione said, scandalized.

"Now I'm positive whose idea it was," Dora muttered.


The married couple stood in their basement and looked at their creation with critical eyes. Before them stood a rough effigy made out of straw. It was crude, but recognizably shaped as a man.

"I suppose that will have to do." Andi said after a minute.

"I'd say we did a good job since we couldn't use magic." Ted advocated.

"It feels . . . unfinished." Andi pursed her lips.

"It doesn't have to be pretty," Ted countered.

"I still feel we could have done a better job." Andi picked up a wooden bowl containing a thick black paste.

"Function over form." Ted shook his head.

Andi sighed and looked into the container she held. "I don't particularly want to put my fingers in this," she commented.

"I can't blame you. I saw what you mixed into it," Ted agreed. "Would you prefer if I did the honors?"

"No, I can handle it." Andi stuck two fingers into the mixture. She then reached out marking the effigy, making two eyes and a nose. Then after a few seconds consideration, added a mouth.

"Did you have to make it smile like that?" Ted asked.

"In hindsight, no." Andi studied her efforts before pressing one more dollop of paste in the middle of its forehead.

"It does seem creepy," Ted stated, "all things considered."

"Too late to change it now." Andi shrugged.

"What's next?" Ted asked.

"Stick a pin in it," Andi said.

"We are going to need some big pins," Ted said, noting that the object in question was the size of a normal man.

"Hit it with a stick, then," Andi suggested.

"I'll do that." Ted walked over to his workbench and retrieved a rubber mallet. "On second thought, I don't think it can take the hit."

"If it worked correctly, it should be able to handle anything a normal body can take," Andi said. "Give it a whack; that'll give us an idea on whether this is remotely feasible or not."

"Stand back." Ted gestured to Andi before swinging as hard as he could. The blow landed vaguely where a knee would have been, resulting in only a few small bits of straw flying into the air.

"I'd say that was a promising outcome." Andi noted the lack of significant damage.

Ted grunted his agreement as he brought the hammer down on the other knee.

"If nothing else, this seems therapeutic," Andi said walking over to Ted's workbench.

"I can only imagine he's feeling a fraction of the pain he caused," Ted began to systematically hammer away at different parts of the straw body.

"If we are lucky, we can incapacitate him." Andi pursed her lips as she perused the available options.

"As you said," Ted grunted. "It is, at the very least, therapeutic. Pity it doesn't have toes I could break one by one."

"And here you were saying it was good enough." Andi walked over with her selection. "My turn."

Ted looked down at the instrument she held. "I forgot I had that." He gestured at the rusty ice pick. "I suppose that'll work as a pin."

"That was the general idea," Andi said. "Now stand back."

"Okay." Ted took the requested steps backward.

*THUNK!*

"Andi!" Ted shrieked.

"Is something the matter dear?"

"You just." Ted sweated. "I mean . . . you. That's cruel. You . . . Why there?"

"It seemed appropriate." Andi smiled. "And I noticed you were avoiding that area."

"I do have a smidgen of decency," Ted squeaked.

"Don't be such a baby," Andi berated. "Help me get this on the table. We just need to set up the Chinese water torture, and we'll be done for the day."

Ted winced as he moved to comply.


Somewhere in a forest a freshly deceased snake lay tied in knots among the dead leaves. Its demise apparently hadn't been easy; the mouth was open wide as if issuing one final scream. The markings on the dry dirt floor gave mute testimony to the thrashing it did before the light left its eyes.

Nearby, what appeared to be a ball of black smoke or maybe mist rolled about the ground doing a passable imitation of a two-legged hamster in a translucent plastic ball.

In the woods, if a spirit screams and there is no one to hear, does it make a sound?


For a second night in a row, they sat around the kitchen table eating takeaway. This time, there were two notable differences. The first was that the meal consisted of Chinese, not Indian. The second was that they were joined by the Grangers. Though, it would be a splitting hairs debate on whether they numbered two or three.

The initial meeting between the Tonks and the muggles went off without much tension as the man in each family found someone who could sympathize with their rollercoaster-worthy feelings. So, in an unspoken agreement shared with the youngest male, the three silently listened as the four females made plans to hold two ceremonies after Harry's seventeenth birthday.

Harry had just popped another dumpling in his mouth, wondering what was so important about flower arrangements, when the doorbell rang.

Excusing himself, Ted went to see who it was. He returned a minute later trailing a man wearing smart business robes who, in turn, was followed by two girls carrying a suitcase each.

Upon seeing Harry, the man brightened and held out his hand for a shake. "Harry Potter, I presume."

"Yes, sir," Harry said, shaking the proffered appendage.

"Dale Rangeford. I have a deliver from Gringotts for you."

"Thank you," Harry said, eyeing the suitcases the girls were carrying. He recognized the girls from school, upperclassmen from Slytherin if he remembered correctly. "You can put them down over there." Harry pointed at a corner. "I'll get them later."

Dale laughed heartily as he somehow produced and unrolled a scroll. "Such a kidder," he said, presenting the scroll to Harry along with a quill. "Sign here for receipt."

Harry did so as the girls placed the suitcases in the indicated spot.

"Thank you, and enjoy," Dale said, handing Harry a sealed letter before turning toward Ted. "Mind if I apparate from here?"

"Be my guest," Ted said amiably.

There was a crack, and the man was gone.

Harry turned and looked at the two girls again. "Aren't you going too?" he asked.

The girls shared a look before the first answered, "No."

"Why would we?" asked the second.

"Ah." Harry searched for a response. Finding none, he opened the letter to see if it held a clue.

Dear Harry,

Your birthday is coming up soon, so consider this an early present. I have so much to say, but no time to say it, and my hand is already cramping from using this quill. So, keeping it short, meet the Carrow twins. Lovely, aren't they? I know this wasn't a part of the original plans, but, you know, TWINS. Can't pass that up now, can you? Their family offered them in exchange for an extension on their loan. They are yours to do with as you please. I suggest spending time with your wives before going there, though. My hand is smarting badly so I'll end this here.

Love, Sirius Black

Harry looked at the girls again and realized that the suitcases weren't the delivery. "Um," he said smartly.

"So?" Andi asked, half holding out her hand as if expecting him to hand her the letter.

Harry looked at her, then at Emma. A shudder went through his body before he turned to look at Ted then Dan. He was almost shrinking in on himself when Hermione held out her own hand in an unmistakable manner.

Hermione smiled as he relinquished the paper. Then her curiosity got the better of her and she scanned the page. "This is not my fault," she said upon completion. "This one is all on Sirius; it is not my fault."

"What's not your fault, dear?" Emma asked warily as Dora snatched the paper from Hermione's hand.

"Oh for . . ." Dora said, her eyes running over the page. "Harry doesn't know what to do with one woman. What's he going to do with four?" she started to giggle. "What's happened to my life? Yesterday I was training to be an auror, now this." Tears started trickling from her eyes. "I mean, this is better than dying, but come on! Married without my knowledge. My sister wife is a pervert. Now this." She dropped the paper before fleeing the room.

"I'm not a pervert!" Hermione called in the direction Dora had fled

"Well," Andi said, getting to her feet, "I think that a breakdown was past due. She has been handling this rather well, all things considered."

Emma got to her feet as well and started to follow Andi out of the room. "Come along Hermione. We need to comfort Dora. You can play with your new toys later."

"New toys?" Hermione frowned as she got to her own feet and the meaning behind the words struck her. "Mother! They aren't my toys"

"I'm sure Harry will share if you ask nicely." Emma called back over her shoulder.