Trash Panda Translator 5
To say the ride up to Lucifer's penthouse was awkward was an understatement.
In her hands, she held a very squirmy St. Michael (a.k.a. Rascal, burgeoning Wobbletube star) who kept trying to lunge out of her arms and bite her best friend who was literally, actually that Satan, and here she was in the middle, trying to keep peace between the two. Also, she was pissed too. How long had she known Lucifer? How many times had he told her he was the Devil, and she'd bought the whole thing hook, line, and sinker as a metaphor or a real bad attempt at method acting?
And every time she failed to believe him, he'd just let her do it.
The door to the elevator finally dinged, and Ella resettled Michael on her hip. He was glaring daggers at his brother, and she couldn't completely blame him. If she had a sword—even a tiny cocktail one—she'd brandish it at Satan too. She didn't even wait for Lucifer to try leading her to the sofas. Instead, she made a bee line for the bar. She foisted Michael off on a stool and hunted for the tequila, the top shelf stuff, and groaned when it was on a literal top shelf.
"Rayos, are you kidding me? I can't even reach the Cuervo."
"Miss Lopez, I'd be more than happy to—" Lucifer said standing back up and starting to the bar.
He didn't get to finish as Michael sprouted his very tiny wings and flapped hard, getting enough altitude to flutter by the shelf she needed. "Which one, Lady Ella?"
"The Jose Cuervo please, kind of yellow-golden liquid, Mike."
He grabbed it in his tiny yet dexterous paws and landed on the bar's surface. "Of course, M'Lady."
Ella, deciding Michael probably wouldn't be any good at pouring a bottle half as big as he currently was, rummaged around the bar and pulled out a couple shot glasses. She filled both and gestured to one. "You want any, Luce?"
"I'm far more of a Scotch person myself," he said, as he took a seat in his armchair and gaped at his brother. "They are so small, the wings I mean."
Michael glared at Lucifer but at least he didn't launch himself at his brother. "My wings work fine, Samael."
"He says his wings work fine," she added, taking both shots in succession. Ella was probably going to need a third. In that spirit, she took a third shot and settled it in her hand, and then she leaned against the bar. "So you're that Lucifer? The whole time?"
He nodded and sighed theatrically. She did love the guy but, to be fair, he tended to do everything theatrically. Who knew the literal Lord of Darkness would be such a drama queen? "I am, Miss Lopez."
"Oh, we're first name basis now. I know you do the cute pet names for everyone, but I don't think we're on that footing right now, pendejo. You lied to me for years!"
Michael set his wings away but stayed on the bar. His tail poofed in his own anger. "You had no right, Samael, to be so mean to the Lady Ella. She is very helpful! She got me garments with Mickey from the House of Mouse on them. And toys!"
Ella sighed and patted his head. "I'm glad you care about the stuff I got you, mapache."
"I am Michael!"
"It's…nevermind," she added, already feeling drained from both brothers.
A small paw patted her hand. "It is okay. I like you too. You are nice to me and rescued me from the dumpster."
"Well, I wasn't going to leave you in the dumpster, not with that really big monster raccoon," Ella said, studying the red stitches in Michael's bad ear. "He was super mean!"
At this point, Lucifer doubled over in laughter and grabbed both his knees. "Oh that's deliciously rich. Are you quite serious? He was living in a literal dumpster." The Devil continued to laugh uproariously.
Michael chittered and brandished his cocktail sword toward Lucifer. "It is not funny, Samael. The Lady Ella was very brave!"
She threw up her hands in frustration and let out a long curse in Klingon before taking in deep breaths. "Lucifer, not cool. You don't get to make fun of him. Michael…he doesn't remember anything in the last thousand years. And Michael, you can't just attack your brother—"
"My deceitful traitor of a twin!" Michael corrected, baring his teeth.
And, okay, raccoons had some serious fangs. Great.
"You're twin-twins? Like identical? Like gemelos?" she asked.
"Well, clearly not now. I'm hardly a furry little miscreant, Mis…Ella," Lucifer corrected.
Michael chuffed a little, his sword, such as it was, still held high. "I am the Sword of God, the Angel of Fear, the Great Judge and Demiurge."
She nodded to him. "I get it, buddy. He says he's 'the Sword of God, the Angel of Fear, the Great Judge, and the Demiurge' and I'm pretty sure he was going to add even more titles. Just don't tease him."
"A bit hard when he's such a bedraggled thing."
Michael sprouted his wings and then did lunge through the air straight for Lucifer. Ella caught him round his belly in mid-flight and pulled him to her chest. "No, bad Michael."
Lucifer laughed even harder, and she swore she saw the Devil tear up. "I might be starting to believe you that he's confused."
"I am fine. You will fight me in a duel for your honor, Samael!" Michael chittered.
"He wants a duel," she explained before hugging Michael tighter. "No, hey…do you wanna go play on the balcony? I'll be fine and Lucifer and I have a lot of stuff to get straight."
Michael stopped squirming and put his wings away again, and where they went and how his onesie wasn't shredded, Ella had no clue. Angel physics was so weird.
He nodded, considering everything. "I shall do that, but I hear very well. If you are in distress, I will come to your aid, Lady Ella."
She nodded and walked with him out to the balcony. She slid open the door, and he waddled outside, soon fascinating himself with playing with the jets in the jacuzzi. Ella tried really hard not to think of how many visitors had been in there or what they'd been doing at the time. But if Michael wanted to catch weird things, that was on him…
Sighing, she turned back to the penthouse and sat across from Lucifer on the sofa. "Okay, Mister, you owe me such a huge explanation, seriously."
He sighed and glared at the balcony. "Are you sure he's trustworthy? You've no idea what he's done to my life in the last little bit."
"Trust me. I don't know why I'm the only one who understands what he says, but he's…a little loco right now. He thinks he's a knight and at first thought it was still the Crusades. He doesn't remember having any fights with you lately or anything that's not, uh, tavern wenches and the war stuff."
Lucifer shook his head. "My brother has always been an inveterate liar. You may well be being fleeced by quite the con artist."
At that point, Michael ran in to the room, spotted the roomba, drew out his sword and ran to attack it. "En guarde!"
Ella sighed and ran across the room to intercept the angel. She grabbed him around his belly again and placed him back on the balcony, this time shutting the door as she reassured him it was not "bewitched" and the thing moving on its own was "not trying to kill her."
She huffed as she sat again. "Dude, no one is this committed an actor, even you. He thought the freaking roomba was enchanted to hurt me."
"He doesn't know what a vacuum is?"
"Lucifer, your twin still thinks it's the Middle Ages. It took me hours to explain I hadn't enchanted people to be trapped in my TV set and a lot of Wobble vids and gnarly accident footage to get him to understand he couldn't just wander into the street and become roadkill. He's really out of it. He's sweet, but he's very confused. I don't think it's some long game to con you this time. He was living in a dumpster and the other raccoons, uh, you know what I mean…well, they weren't letting him eat and one bit off his ear."
"That would explain the red thread in it."
"I had to stitch him up with what I had," she admitted. "He should be glad I was always doing last minute sewing things for dance competitions in high school."
The Devil chuckled. "Yes, that or bedazzled with fake crystals…ooh, is that still an option for the beast's little ear?"
"Anyway, clearly, Michael didn't do it to himself but he doesn't know how he ended up like that." Her eyes widened at him. "Wait? Did you do it?"
Lucifer brought a hand to his chest, clearly affronted. "How dare you. I mean, what pray tell do you think I'm capable of?"
"I don't know, but you lied for like four years about being the devil. For all I know, you have the power to transmogrify him on a whim. Would that I had. He'd assuredly be less cute and cuddly and far more slimy, probably more legs. Perhaps a nice centipede for a millennia."
"Hey!"
"Ella, let me give you the short version: yes, I'm that Lucifer, and I have some abilities whilst on earth and no in Hell. I have wings of my own and like Amenadiel am stronger than any mortal. I have minimal telekinesis, just for small objects like lock tumblers, and I can with some effort ignite anything if I so choose. The control and mastery over desire you've seen for yourself round the station in questioning."
"I kind of thought a hypnotism thing."
"It is not."
She frowned a bit disappointed, especially considering her catechism training. "So you're not big and red and hooved or something?"
"No horns or tails or fangs, no. I…do have another form, but that's more a psychosomatic projection and whilst the skin is red there, I do not have hooves or something quite so debased." And then he sniffed, as if she'd accused him of being bad in bed or something so trivial and vain as well.
"Sorry, just figuring it out. Am I the last to know? I mean clearly Linda has to cause she had Charlie and she's your shrink. Ooh, Chloe went to Rome and like wigged out for over a month so she totally does, so I assume Trixie too. Wait, even Dan?" She gaped at him, feeling hurt since if everyone else knew, well, she just felt like a joke.
Lucifer's expression grew soft and concerned. "Daniel does, but only because about six months ago when my brother was here causing such trouble in my life, Michael decided to show him all that I was. I do believe Daniel is still reeling with seeing my Devil side, well at least that countenance. I would not have told him either."
"So it's fun to keep us in the dark, right?" she asked, her tone brusque. It hurt suddenly to breathe, let alone talk, as if she'd always been a joke.
"No, it is dangerous to know an angel. Linda has been tortured over information she knows and had her child stolen from her for a time by demons."
"The weird crap and all the bodies at The Mayan, right?"
"Yes, alas, and the Detective has suffered mightily as well, been targeted by the world's first murderer and by my brother. Michael was her kidnapper when we had first assumed it was the Whisper Killer. Earlier he had tried to seduce her by impersonating me. He's terrible, Ella, and you'd do well to leave him be."
"Wh-what?" she asked, and now the air was truly out of her lungs.
"He worked one case as me."
She gulped again, forcing the air into her lungs. "The space case thing. I knew 'you' seemed off. I couldn't even get you to joke in the lab and spill on your date stuff when you were back. You look like super bug-eyed when I told you about my weekend with Julio and…oh jeez."
Ella was suddenly very glad that Michael apparently didn't remember the last thousand years, let alone six months ago. Oops.
"Yes, well, you can see how nefarious he's been and hurting the Detective was the worst of it, but he had other plots going. He turned Maze against me for a bit and tried to have a showdown at the precinct."
She nodded, everything clicking into place. "The earthquake damage after everything with me grilling Pete wasn't…it wasn't an earthquake."
"No, so you can see why…well some of the fight is rather foggy to me too. I can't quite remember the series of events, but Father did show up."
"Like actual God? The Big Guy?"
"Don't get excited; he was about for less than a day and mostly to try and play the cuddle grandfather to greet Charlie. He set it all straight and punished Michael. Honestly, I assumed my twin had been banished from earth and forced to a back room in the Silver City."
"Heaven as a punishment? Sounds not so bad."
"Oh, it can be if you don't fit in, and such a display would have earned Michael no favor," Lucifer sighed and straightened the ring on his finger. "But I suspect Father has cursed him and this is, well, far more delicious a punishment. I'd know; I'm the expert."
She was about to say something when Michael ran by, clearly chasing after a squirrel with some pizza crust in its mouth. The squirrel made fast work of climbing the railing, which Michael, in turn, didn't stop in time to avoid hitting and bending.
"Oh, I'll uh help you cover that…the repairs, I mean," she offered.
Lucifer shook his head. "Wouldn't dream of it. I have an idea of what you make and…I'll handle it, but just goes to show that even furry, Michael is a one-angel wrecking crew. Best to shove him off on animal control and let him be their problem."
"They'd euthanize him!"
"Oh they could try but he's an archangel and—"
She shook her head. "No, he doesn't have his invulnerability at all, hence the raccoons beating him up. Besides, I'm the only one who can translate for him. I can't just leave him. He thinks it's like 1100!"
"Then, I need to strongly warn you that if he gets his shape or even his memory back, he'll be as he always was—a duplicitous threat. It's best to leave him to whichever dumpster he'd prefer, Miss Lopez. He'll only hurt you."
"Like people lying to me for four years didn't? Like feeling left out of so much hasn't? I feel like the world's biggest idiot."
"I told you exactly who I was every day of those four years. You knew I didn't lie."
She rolled her eyes, hopped up, and started to pace. "But you knew I thought you were a method actor and a pretty shitty one since you didn't get the part on Diablo."
"I could have played that far better!" he said, playing with his cufflinks. "I am merely watching out for you. He's trouble."
"I'm sure that basically everyone has thought that about you, dude. You're the Devil."
He clenched his jaw before responding. "Yes, I'm well aware."
"And the first day we met, I said that what did you do that was so bad? Offer a lady an apple?"
"It was more like a metaphor and definitely a banana," he replied, smirking.
"Okay, so duh whatever, still everyone who knows has given you a chance. Your brother might suck, but this version of Michael doesn't really have his powers, doesn't have his memory or a lot of it, and is scared and alone. I am not going to turn my back on that."
"Then," Lucifer said, standing again. "I fear you will be sorely disappointed should he ever regain his personality. He's far from pleasant. But you're not wrong. I regret now that it's put us on rocky ground, hiding so much from Daniel, and, quite honestly, I owed you more transparency than I allowed too. You can do as you please with Michael, but I hate to see you hurt, hermanita. And that's all my twin is good at."
She sighed and rubbed at her eyes. "I just was owed more than being led around and dismissed."
"I'd never dismiss you, Miss Lopez. You're one of the smartest humans I've ever met."
"Well, you didn't think enough of me to be honest either," she replied, her voice cracking. "Can you at least help me? Help us? Can you like call your Dad?"
Lucifer rolled his eyes. "Yes, of course, I'll just ring Him right up on the mobile."
"I dunno! You could pray."
"Technically yes. Father never responds. It took three angels and a demon having a massive fight in front of mortals and…" he trailed off them, blinking into the distance. "Well something else did happen in the precinct, I can feel it, but the memory is not there. Perhaps Father did more than just wipe Michael as well. Even more reason to avoid my trash fire of a sibling."
"Raccoon Michael is pretty helpless. Dude, you just saw him get outsmarted by an L.A. squirrel."
He laughed again. "Yes, I quite enjoyed that part. But Father won't come, especially if I call for him. You might have luck tomorrow talking Amenadiel into requesting His presence. After all, he does sometimes have Father visit. Never predictable, but apparently all grandparents are addicted to their grandchildren. It's a bit nauseating but Father leaves me be in his pop-ins, so I can't complain but so much."
She chuckled a little; her mind calming a bit since all the earth shaking revelations started coming out this evening. "Oh, sounds like you're still complaining a lot, Luce. How can you really? He's the Big Guy!"
"He's perhaps light and love and hope to you, but to me, He's rather a pain in my backside. Now, the best I can offer is that you speak with Amenadiel tomorrow. Charlie is surely asleep by now, and the good Doctor keeps him on quite the rigorous schedule."
She nodded and, despite her frustration with him, Ella couldn't leave without hugging her friend. She gripped him in her usual big squeeze, and for once, she noticed him not resisting. If anything, he seemed to relax into her embrace after his initial startled reaction.
"Still mad at you, seriously enojada, you do know that."
"Yes, but I will endeavor to make it up to you."
"Good, cause I want to do a Diablo marathon with you! Later and I'll bring Michael over. It'll be your punishment."
He pulled away from her and rolled his eyes. "You are quite the devious minx, aren't you?"
"Totally," she replied, going to the balcony door and sliding it open. "Michael, we're going now. And, don't worry, Lucifer didn't hurt me and isn't going to."
Michael had settled down for a nap on a chaise lounge. He rolled onto his back, stretched his paws over his head, and then rolled to the concrete. Then, he trotted past her on his four legs and glared daggers up at Lucifer.
"If you ever try and hurt her foul Devil!" He even bared his teeth for emphasis.
Ella decided to, uh, soften that threat a bit. "He says that's cool as long as you don't hurt me. So we're all pretty good right?"
"I despise that hairball," Lucifer said.
"Samael is still a waste of feathers," Michael added.
Perfect, twins who hated each other. Such fun…and for a minute that made Ella realize that Michael would normally look like Lucifer which was so weird to think about, especially since he'd spent yesterday pretty naked running around her apartment and then her brain blue screen of death'ed a little.
Lucifer broke her out of her confusion, "Ella, are you quite all right?"
"Relative term. You have all our loot at the bar downstairs, right?"
"Patrick has it behind there, yes. I'll fetch a ride for you at least, and he'll help you get you loaded up."
"Perfect," she said, looking around, realizing she couldn't find Michael. "Shit? Where'd he go?"
"No idea, and really, you could just let him waddle off into the sunset—"
And, for once, two chatter boxes like she and Lucifer were silent, struck dumb by witnessing the Sword of God ride by them on the back of the roomba, his little sword raised. Michael turned and nodded to Ella.
"See, M'Lady, I have tamed such an evil beast. Now he is my loyal steed." His whiskers twitched. "I must keep him now."
She looked between both brothers and laughed. "Yeah, good luck with that, Rascal."
